Father Ted s02e11 Episode Script

You know, I've been doing
a lot of thinking recently.
Well, I just don't think
I'm cut out for the priesthood.
It's time you and I faced facts.
But Father, you're one of
the best priests in the country,
if not the best.
Assumpta, Assumpta, Assumpta
Why are we running from this?
You know what I'm
talking about, don't you?
Yeah. Yeah, II suppose I do.
I'll be off, then.
I said, I'll
- Yeah, bye.
- Yeah, bye.
Come here, you!
- Ted! Ted!
- Oh! What?! What?!
Would you like a peanut?
A peanut? You woke me
to offer me a peanut?
- God, Dougal!
- Oh, sorry, Ted.
Go to bed.
Now, where were we?
Ready? Here we go.
Onetwothree!
Hey!
- They on?
- They are, Ted. Oh, wait, now.
- What?
- They've gone off.
That's it, they're back!
No, they're gone again.
No, keep it like thatno.
That's it, Ted, you're a genius!
Gone again. Right, back. Gone.
Back. Gone. Back. Gone. Back.
Dougal! Just sit down.
Can I open another window
on the Advent calendar?
All right. But remember,
only today's window.
Oh! A shepherd!
Great! Fantastic stuff!
- Can I not open the other two?
- No, Dougal.
God, I can't wait
to find out tomorrow's one.
I bet it's a donkey or something.
So you changed from your
initial prediction? What was it?
Ruud Gullit
sitting on a shed, wasn't it?
God Almighty,
where do you get these things?
What would you say, Father Jack?
A pair of feckin' women's knickers!
- Well, who knows?
- kNICkERS!
- Yes, Father.
- WOMEN'S kNICkERS!
Yes, Father, yes! Message understood.
God Almighty. Dougal!
Leave the calendar until tomorrow.
There.
Ah, dear. Another year gone.
It's hard to believe, isn't it?
I mean, what's it all about, Dougal?
It doesn't really have a story,
it's just about football and stuff.
No, Dougal, I mean life.
You slave away for your parishioners,
and what do you get?
A one-way ticket to Palookaville.
You know,
I looked in the mirror this morning
and saw a middle-aged,
grey-haired man staring at me.
Who was that, Ted?
- Me, Dougal!
- Oh, yes, of course.
I got a Christmas card
from Father Jess Flafhern.
He's in Montana. He makes $50,000
a year and 2,000 in tips.
Brilliant. How does he manage that?
I don't know.
Lap dancing or something.
Father Buzz Dolan in Canada,
he has his own show on cable
and he's landed a bit part
in the new Bond movie.
It started with that
Golden Cleric award.
Wow.
Must be great to be famous.
You know what I'd love?
People listen to what you have
to say. And I have a lot to say.
What about your sermons?
People listen to you then.
No, Dougal. I mean people I respect.
I suppose the
You see? Even you don't listen to me.
- I do. That's not fair.
- Well, I
So, Father, are you looking
forward to Christmas?
I am indeed, Mrs Doyle. A nice,
quiet Christmas, that's what I want.
A nice, quiet Christmas, no unusual
incidents or people turning up,
that would suit me.
A nice, quiet, normal,
everyday Christmas.
Oh, there's the door.
I'm sorry, is this Mrs Riley's house?
No, that's just down the road.
Oh, thanks very much.
Who was that, Ted?
Just some woman looking for
Riley's house. She had a baby.
For a moment I thought
somebody had left it on our doorstep.
God, imagine what
would've happened if she had.
Yes.
We'd have been looking after it
and getting into hilarious jams.
It would've been very, very funny.
It wouldn't have been
that funny, Ted.
Actually, no.
And the liquids come out here.
You've already selected milk and
sugar, so the work is taken out,
leaving the modern woman time
for running a business, or skiing.
Flick a switch and it can access
coffee, hot chocolate or Horlicks.
Teamaster takes the misery out of
making tea. What do you think?
Maybe I like the misery.
I thought some perfume for Mrs Doyle.
Good idea. Perfume is the ideal
woman present, isn't it?
Yes, that's why God invented it.
You don't have to put
any thought into it whatsoever.
Where did you put Jack in the end?
There's this place for people
who don't want to go shopping.
They just stay and have a laugh.
Really? Were there
other people there?
Loads, Ted. He'll be fine.
Perfume, perfume
You think you'd be able to smell it.
Where exactly are we now?
Well, we're in thein the
Oh, God! We're in Lingerie!
We're in Lingerie!
- What's the problem?
- Think, Dougal.
Two priests hanging around
ladies' secret things.
It just doesn't look good.
Where is the exit?
God, we're in Bras. This way.
More underpants. Why do they need
so many kinds of underpants?
Do they parade around
looking in mirrors all the time?
Billy! Terry!
Ted! Ted Crilly. How are you?
Good to see you. We got lost,
that's why we're here.
Got lost. I suppose
that's why you're here as well.
- Lost? Uh, yeah. That's it.
- That's right. We were lost.
Do you know the way out?
It's Ireland's biggest
lingerie section, I understand.
- Really?
- Yeah, I read thatsomewhere.
The best idea is for us
to get out of here, quickly.
You know, four priests, hanging
round the, um, frilly section.
- Yes, I see what you mean.
- Let's try this way.
Wait, we've been here, I remember
these bras from the first time.
They all look the same to me.
These ones have double padding,
black lace outline,
and the extra strength straps.
If we pass one with single
padding and the white lace outline,
- we're on the right track.
- Someone's coming.
Ted Crilly?
God, are we glad to see you!
We were looking for the toilets
and wandered in by mistake.
- How do we get out? It's huge!
- It's Ireland's biggest.
Right, we have eight priests
hanging around the lingerie.
One or two is embarrassing
but eight is national scandal.
What'll we do?
All the aisles look the same!
Don't panic.
We're in this, let's get out of it.
Ok, Billy, I want you on point.
Fathers, you take the back.
And keep it quiet!
Ok.
Hang in there. Shape up, Ok?
I thought I heard someone.
Maybe I'm going crazy.
I've been in this damn
lingerie section so long!
Shh. Wait.
I don't think they saw us.
You take a rest, Father.
Father Riley, you go on point.
You Ok, Father Deegan?
There's no way out. There's just
no way out! They're gonna get us!
They're gonna get us!
- Damn it, Deegan.
- SorryI
Hang on. You've got to expect this
kind of thing in the priesthood.
I only left the seminary
two weeks ago.
I'll never get a decent parish!
They'll send me to some bloody kip!
- What we gonna do?
- Listen.
I'll make you a promise -
one day we'll be in your new parish,
sipping iced tea on the lawn,
and this will all be just a memory.
Can you hold on to that thought?
Can you do that for me?
Good man.
Father Cleary, what happened?
I was messing about
with one of these bras
and a strap flew back
and hit me in the eye.
Oh! I think
I've twisted my ankle as well.
Let's get you up.
It's my stupid fault
for messing with the bras.
You go on, I'll only slow you down.
Listen, we're a team,
we're sticking together. Come on.
Feck! Feckin' feck! Arse!
Arse! Feck! Bastard!
- There's the exit.
- Thank God.
- All those people.
- They'd definitely see us.
Maybe if you buy some underpants
it wouldn't look so strange?
They're women's underpants.
- Oh, yeah. Sorry.
- 'Lady shoppers.
'Gifts for husbands, like pipes,
are on the first floor.'
Come here.
- Who's got the most boring voice?
- What?
Of the lot of us,
the most boring voice.
That'd be me, Ted.
I have an awful, dreary,
monotonous voice, God help me.
Yes, yes. Listen.
Ted! Were you asking
for a dramatic, exciting voice?
No, he said boring,
he wanted a boring voice.
In that case, excuse me
for my impetuous interruption!
Listen. This is what we'll do.
- What's goin' on?
- I think Ted has a plan.
No, I mean, in general?
We're trying to find our way
out of the lingerie section.
Oh.
'Ladies and gentlemen,
'please bring your purchases
to the checkout,
'as the store is about to close.
'Hurry up. Come on.
Hurry up, will ye?'
'Not that way,
for feck's sake! The other way!
'Move!'
Go! Go! Go!
Ohh.
What's wrong, Dougal?
It's just three lads pointing
at a star. A bit disappointing.
Why?
What's that got to do with Christmas?
There's nothing in the
Catholic Scandal Supplement
about the lingerie episode.
Hello? Craggy Island Parochial House.
Father Ted Crilly speaking.
Ted. Tom McCaskell here.
Phew. Hello, Tom. How are you?
Where are you? You left in a hurry.
- I'm in Rome.
- When are you back?
When things die down. I might head
off to South America for a while.
You know she's writing a bloody book?
Ah, no, that's not fair.
Did they ever catch up with you
about that Lourdes thing?
That looked a wee bit dodgy
Let me stop you right there, Tom.
That money was just
resting in my account.
- Ooh-hoo!
- Shut up, Dougal!
Anyway, we owe you for getting the
lads out of trouble the other day.
We'd like you to have
a Golden Cleric.
A Golden Cleric?
- You're not serious?
- Deadly serious.
I don't feel worthy when I think
of the other priests who've won it.
Alberto! Alberto, please!
You deserve it. You averted
a very tricky situation,
and prevented
another scandal in the Church.
Father Billy will drop
the award over tomorrow.
Sorry about this, but is there,
um, any cash prize with that?
I'm afraid not, Ted. We're a bit
strapped for cash at the moment.
Anyway, see you soon.
Dougal, fantastic news.
- You're getting married?
- No, I'm not
- Is that a joke?
- Er, yeah.
No, I'm being given
a Golden Cleric award!
Waaay!
I'll have to write a speech.
It's not every day you win an award.
- AWARD?
- No, you can't have an award.
Why not? Award! Award! Award!
- Yes, Father. Yes, Father!
- Award! Award! Award!
- There you are.
- Right. Photo! Photo!
Dougal, take a photograph.
Ted, can I stay up tomorrow
to watch the scary film?
No. After the last scary film,
you had to sleep in my bed.
It wasn't even that scary a film.
Come on, Ted. A Volkswagen
with a mind of its own?
Driving all over and going mad?
If that's not scary, what is?
Dougal, it's a children's film!
How will you take a film
about a burglar who kills everybody?
- Is that what this one's about?
- Yes!
'If you want to meet
priests your own age,
'listen in on the latest gossip,
'or simply have a bit of a laugh,
'then call Priest Chatback, and speak
to priests you want to know.'
Right, I got the presentation case
for my award.
Great, Ted. Fantastic.
I think I'll put it here,
over the creaky floorboard.
If any robbers try to rob my award,
we'll hear them.
Very few priests
get this award, you know.
I'll be one of the top priests
in the country.
Oh, right.
Did you hear? One of the top
priests in the country. Did you hear?
I did, yeah.
Well, it's not before time, Father.
I always thought you were
one of the best in the country.
Thank you, Mrs Doyle.
One of the best, or maybe the best?
Go on, honestly, would you say
I'm the best priest in the country?
Well
If you don't think so, just say so.
I honestly won't mind.
I'd say you might be
the second best.
I mean
No, it's all right.
I'm not the best in the country.
There's somebody better than me,
apparently.
I was thinking of those priests
who work in very poor areas.
Yes, those lads. Father Archbishop
Desmond Tutu and the likes.
Well, I think Archbishop Tutu
is a Protestant man.
Oh, right, oh, great.
So a Protestant is better than me?
No, no need to continue this.
I'm not the bestjust second best.
The Golden Cleric
is a runner-up prize.
Well, I'm so sorry.
Obviously I'm just
an idiot who can't even say Mass!
- Father, I
- No! That's what you said.
You said I'm not the best. Fine.
I just want to know where I stand.
- Now I'll have to jack it in.
- What?!
- I'm leaving the priesthood.
- But, Father
No! I'm going to write
and ask for early retirement,
then you can ask Father Peter Perfect
the perfect priest to come here,
and you can work for him, since
he's obviously such a great priest!
'Second
best priestsecond best priest
'second best priest
second best priest'
Sorry about that!
Feckin' eejit!
Wait there till I get ya!
Wait till I get you now,
you little pup!
'I'd say you might
be the second best priest.
'The second best priest
The second best priest'
'You're just the second best priest
in the country'
'..and speak
to priests you want to know.'
'Welcome to Priest Chatback.
'If you're under 18 or not a priest,
please hang up now.
'To speak about the Pope's
visit to Mexico, say yes now.'
'To speak about being vaguely unhappy
but not able to figure out why,
'say yes now.'
- Wait! Yes! Hello?
- Hello?
Is that being vaguely unhappy
but not able to figure out why?
- No, it's breaking news of a death.
- We're talking about techniques.
I say it's best to get it over with.
"Your husband's dead. He's not
coming back. Get used to it."
Yes, but sometimes
a few little hints help.
"Remember how your husband
used to love a good laugh?"
My problem is, I should be on top
of the worid because of my award
Stupid priests! Duh!
- Have some respect.
- This is a priest-only line.
- Are you priests?
- You bunch of wankers.
Father, while you were out for
your walk we had a phone call.
I think you were supposed
to do a funeral today.
The funeral! I completely forgot!
It's all right.
Father McGuire said he'd do it.
That's Ok, then.
Dougal's doing a funeral?!
You let Dougal do a funeral?!
Sorry about that.
Oh, damn. It's no use.
I'm so excited about Christmas
I can't sleep.
You'll never get to sleep like that.
You'd have a better chance
if you got off the bike.
Oh, right.
What are you up to yourself, Ted?
Writing my speech for tomorrow.
It's brilliant so far.
What do you put?
You'd normally thank everybody.
Not in this case. You see,
I got this award through hard graft,
so there's nobody
to thank except myself.
Actually, good idea,
I'll thank myself.
Wow, is that the speech?
No, these are just the notes, really.
See here, for example,
this is a list of people
who've really fecked me over
down the years.
Father Jimmy Fennel. He really
needs taking down a peg or two.
Father PJ Clabbert.
Oh, wait, he's on the wrong list.
He should be under
"Liars" rather than "Twats".
At last I get a chance to shine,
to stand out.
To be recognised.
I recognise you. Look, it's Ted.
No, I mean recognition of
my abilities, of my achievements.
Oh, right.
And what achievements are these?
Shut up, Dougal.
Hope Larry Duff's coming.
I'll give him a call.
Hope he makes it.
Larry's tremendous fun.
He loves award ceremonies.
Oh! Ooh! Oh, my leg! Ow!
Oh, Jesus! Mother of God! Ohh!
Wait now, he's on holidays.
Well, I won't disturb him.
Anyway, I'm gonna try
and get to sleep one more time.
Ahh! It's no use.
Dougal, here's a way. Try and
empty your head of all thoughts.
I'll give it a go,
but I don't think
Oh, yes.
Ah, brilliant!
A load of people in a stable, Ted!
The one thing I didn't expect!
Dougal, aren't you going
to open your presents?
Oh, wow!
Presents! I completely
forgot about the presents.
First the calendar, now presents.
It can't get any better!
Ah, brilliant!
Happy Christmas, Mrs Doyle.
Oh, Father, you shouldn't have.
What is it?
It's a
You know, I thought, "What would
Mrs Doyle love for Christmas?"
Something to take
the misery out of making tea.
The days of housekeepers
making tea are over.
We can't live in the Dark Ages.
You've made your last cup of tea
in this house.
Thank you, Father.
If I know people the way I think
I do, she really loved that present.
Ah, brilliant, Ted!
I mean, how did you know?
Don't think I hadn't noticed
those little hints you left around.
Present! Present! Present!
Present! Present!
Come on, come on, come on!
- Happy Chr
- Feck off!
Who could that be?
Ceremony's not until two.
Father, it's
Ted!
Hello there.
- I haven't missed it, have I?
- No, not at all.
You haven't changed a bit,
you rascal!
And er And you, look at you.
You haven't changed either!
What? What about the hair?
Right, well, the hair,
it's a differentshape.
- Colour!
- Colour, yes, of course!
It used to beredbrown!
Blonde!
- Hello there.
- Hello there you back.
- He's told you all about me?
- No. Who are you?
Who am I?
Who is he?
Hey, tell you what, stick the old
name and address in the book.
Especially the name. Important
you write very, very clearly.
I'd love to but I can't really write.
One time I was running
with scissors and I fell,
and the nerve that controls
handwriting was severed.
Father, are you not going
to introduce me to the new Father?
Oh, right. Of course.
Actually, see if you can guess.
Guess?
Go on, have a go.
God, Father, sure,
it could be anything.
Still, though, give it a try.
Father Andy Riley?
No.
Father Desmond Coyne?
Father George Byrne?
Father David Nicholson.
Father Dick Linlidge.
- I'll give you a clue.
- NO CLUES!
I'll get it in a second.
Father k en Sweeney?
Father Neil Hannon?
Father k eith Cullen?
Father kieran Donnelly?
Father Mick McAvoy?
Father Jack White?
Father Henry Bigbigging?
Father Hank Tree?
Father Hiroshima Twinkie?
Father Stig Bobblecurd?
Father Johnny Hellzapoppin?
Father Luke Duke?
Father Billy Fury?
Father Chewie Louie?
Father John Hoop?
Father Harry Cake-Lyneham?
Father Raboola Conundrum?
Father Peewee Stairmaster?
Father Tight Egglips?
Father Jemima Ragtoole?
Father Jerry Twigg?
Father Spodo Commodo?
Father Canner Brammerlammer?
- Father Todd Unctious?
- Yes! Well done!
- Is that it? Did she get it?
- Ted, you knew already.
Of course, I was just amazed she
got it inwell under an hour.
Well done, Mrs Doyle.
So, Todd, eh?
Todd, Todd, Todd. Old Todd.
There you are now, Todd!
Good old Todd.
How you getting on there, Todd?
How are you fixed for tea, Todd?
Or would you prefer a hot toddie?
Anything you want, Todd.
Anything at all, Todd. Todd.
What time is the ceremony, Ted?
Well, Todd, it's not really
a ceremony, just a simple affair.
'One-two, two-two-two.
Test mike one-two.'
Two-two-two. We're getting
mad feedback here, Sharon. Sharon.
Excited, Ted?
Wellyes.
Something to tell
the grandchildren about.
- You need to bring it up faster.
- You'll need to cue me.
Ok, no problem. So
Uplookdown.
Dominus albe turum.
Tell you what, change
the "Dominus" to "Canus".
Go, go. I'm sorry, what's your name?
- Sean.
- Sean.
Sorry, but I need you there
on the day.
A second or two and I'm dead here.
- Is anybody organised here?
- Talk to that priest there.
So, lads, when the rhythm kicks in
and the song reveals itself
through the counter-rhythm,
I want you there and ready, Ok?
Anyhow, where's Todd?
Who's Ted and who's Dougal?
I'm Ted and that's Dougal.
No, I'm Dougal, he's Ted.
- We need you over by the stage.
- Right.
Why does he need you by the stage?
He must mean me!
Uplookdown.
- Ted? Dick Mayo.
- Hello.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Ted, ever thought of doing
It had crossed my mind.
- Do you have an agent?
- No.
Give this lady a call.
She's done wonders for me.
Well done, man.
Right.
Drink!
Drink, drink, drink, drink,
DRINk, DRINk
..drinkdrinkdrink.
Good afternoon, and welcome to
the 5th Annual Golden Cleric.
Every year the Catholic Church
gives an award to a priest
for outstanding achievement.
This year's winner has overcome
controversy in the past,
when rumours of financial
irregularities threatened
No! No!
But following an investigation,
no formal charges were made.
The money was just resting there!
Though authorities were confused by
BIZARRE IRREGULARITIES
IN HIS ACCOUNTS!
Enough of that now!
He's overcome this
to become this year's Golden Cleric.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Father Ted Crilly!
I hope he doesn't start going on,
settling old scores in public.
Well
Well, well, well.
I, uh I see some
familiar faces here today.
Some welcome, some not so welcome.
It looks as if I've had
the last laugh on a lot of people
who didn't think
I could become a brilliant priest.
What I say to them is,
"Look at me now".
..but eventually
I got out of his headlock
and now where are you,
Father Eamonn Hunter?
Working with pygmies in the
South Seas. And where am I?
Here, accepting a Golden Cleric award
for being a top priest!
Yes, of course! He thought
it'd be a great idea, great fun
to pour water
on this young novice's mattress.
But, of course, 30 years later,
the smile has been very much wiped
off Father Barry kiernan's face.
And now, we move on to "Liars".
Father Peter Thornton.
Father Desmond k earnes.
Remember him?
- Well, um Great speech, Ted.
- It went well, didn't it?
And you mean to say you was wandering
around in there for three hours?
Yes. It's Ireland's biggest
lingerie section, I understand.
Tea for everyone!
Right. No, Mrs Doyle, put that away
and relax, we'll try the Teamaster.
- How does it work?
- Can I not just put the milk in?
You leave the cup there, slide in
a cartridge and tea comes out.
Fantastic.
Now that I've won an award, I can't
be seen drinking tea made in a pot.
The idea!
It just seems too good
to be true. What's the catch?
I'm sorry, Father,
your voice is so boring
I couldn't concentrate
on what you said.
Well, I do have
an incredibly boring voice.
I was just saying
what's the catch?
Sorry, didn't get it there either.
Ted! I've been thinking!
About the Teamaster!
There must be some sort of a catch!
What? Oh, there's no catch.
No, just watch this.
You see? Perfect.
Father, actually there's someone
- WHAT?
- Are you all right, Father?
Yes. But it's
actually quite hard to breathe!
- Just
- WHAT?
- I really am finding it
- Get up.
- WHAT?
- Dougal! Put on that music!
- What?
- The music that makes Jack stand up!
WHAT?
Sorry about that.
Up! Up! Up!
Father Jack likes us all to stand up
when that bit of music comes on.
Up!
SING! SING!
Again! Again!
Father, have a go at this with me.
Get him away!
- No, Father, it's just a bit of fun.
- AARRRH!
Yes, we thought Jack was jumping
through that window too often.
That's why we put in the Plexiglas.
Anyway. My speech.
What did you think?
- Let's watch the Christmas film!
- Yeah!
'That was Indiana Jones.
'And now a special extended Latin
Mass from St Martin's in Dublin.'
Oh, great. Mass.
God, I'm supposed to be doing
something terribly important.
The thing I'm supposed to be
doing, I just remembered
I've gotta telephone this fella
on Death Row that I befriended.
Because he's being executed tomorrow.
For mass murder.
So I'd say he's pretty low
at the moment.
God Almighty. Did he do it?
I dunno. Yes. No! Yes!
Do you want any help? He might
get hysterical and start crying,
and I could say,
"Pull yourself together, man!"
There's been a big accident,
so I should go too.
I got a phone call there
while you were all
..somewhere else.
- So
- Right, so, we're all off.
Father Unctious, you coming too?
No, I'll stay awhile.
Oh, great! Mass!
Father Alton Crosby is doing it.
I'm a huge fan of his.
- He gives good Mass.
- He what?
He really knows
how to work the altar.
Look at that chalice work.
Effortless.
We'll be off, so. See you all soon.
- See you.
- God bless.
Bye!
Thanks for coming to the award
ceremony where I got my award!
'Now on BBC1,
the director's cut of Jurassic Park,
'with extra dinosaurs.'
Well, that was a fantastic day
It was brilliant. Fantastic fun.
One of the best Christmas Days ever.
Dougal, I was being sarcastic.
Oh, right. So was I.
And who's that Todd Unctious?
I didn't invite him, did you?
No, I barred you from
inviting people over
after that tramp stayed a week
when I was away.
That wasn't a tramp, that was
the Prime Minister of France.
No, Dougal, he just lied to you.
Todd Unctious, I don't remember him
at all. Who the hell is he?
Maybe he had a nickname,
like Terry Wogan.
Terry Wogan? What's his nickname?
What? You mean, that's his real name?
Anyway, he'll be gone in the morning.
- There you are!
- Hello there.
Look at you lying in there
like a big eejit.
Well, here we all are,
now, all the lads.
Just like in the old days, eh?
Remember the fun
we used to have in the showers?
Do you still have
the big old hairy arse?
Fluff, Todd. That wasn't hair,
that was a bit of downy fluff.
Ah, God. Memories.
Remember you all mitched off
to the Dana concert?
I couldn't go because I was
recovering from a car accident.
Did I show you the scar?
There you are.
- See that crescent shape?
- God, yes.
And that series of indentations
along the inner thigh?
- That's really, really
- They run up to me groin.
Let's go to the pictures,
I fancy a good film!
Ah, Ted, it's half one
in the morning.
You sleep,
I was just wandering around.
Sometimes I can't sleep,
I need a good walk to calm meself.
- You don't mind?
- No, no.
All right, so. Good night.
And
Happy Christmas, Ted.
God Almighty. We're not going out
of this room until tomorrow.
I don't want to risk bumping into
that weirdo in his nudieness.
Good night, Dougal.
- Get away from that award!
- FECk OFF!
It's just you, Father.
Listen, turn off the light
after you and
Oh! God! Jesus!
Ahhhh! God!
- 'What's wrong, Mack enzie?'
- 'There's a burglar in the house.'
- 'What?'
- 'He may be hiding in this room.'
'A burglar?
In the room, you say? My God.'
'It's safe to say the burglar
is definitely in the room.'
- 'But where?'
- 'There he is!
- 'There!'
- Ahhhhhhh!
Oh, Dougal.
Dougal, you'll have nightmares.
Dougal, I thought I told you
not to watch that film.
Ted, no, I wasn't watching it.
I came to, uh, carry the milk around.
Go on, Dougal, up to bed with you.
Hello, your Holiness.
President Robinson,
well done on everything.
Mr De Niro. Bob, Bob.
I loved you in Godfather II.
Todd
Ahhhhhh!
He won't be doing any more
burglaries where he's going.
- Where's that?
- Well, prison!
Yes, of course. Sorry.
- How did he know so much about me?
- I'm curious about that myself.
- Unctious, if that's your real name.
- I already told you it wasn't.
How did you know so much
about Father Crilly?
- Is this off the record?
- Of course!
Well, I was in Selridge
a few days ago,
got talking to
this old priest in a bar.
'He was cagey at first,
'but a few shots of JD
and he was singin' like a bird.'
The Golden Cleric, they call it.
Giving it to an old pal
of mine, Ted Crilly.
Met him on Dollyman Strand.
'As I listened,
a plan formed in my head.
'We drank long into the night,
me payin', of course.
'Him spillin' his guts on the subject
of a certain Father Ted Crilly.'
He got a mane of white hair,
kinda like you get on a mule.
Used to wet the bed at St Colum's.
Big hairy ass.
'The longer he talked,
the better it got.'
Lives with a pig-ignorant
old-timer named Jack Hackett,
and a poor strange
idiot-boynamed McGuire.
'After that, all I needed
was the right costume.'
Goddamn housekeeper.
What a pain in the ass.
Ah, perfect.
But you're a priest. Why?
It's a long story.
I used to be like you.
A completely average,
bog-standard, run-of-the-mill cleric.
Then I won the County Westmead
Priest of the Year Competition.
Guess it went to my head.
After that I started
hitting the altar wine too hard.
Gettin' backhanders
for doing quicker Masses.
All I wanted was trophies and prizes.
But the one that got me
was the Golden Cleric.
No, no, Todd.
I mean, you're a priest.
Why did you take
the OTHER priest's clothes?
I don't know.
It was just going that way.
Well, I've got bad news for you,
so-called Todd Unctious.
That wasn't off the record! I'm
using that as evidence against you!
Oh, that's completely unfair!
Take him away.
Thanks, Sergeant.
There'll be a reward in this, Father.
You both should be
very proud of yourselves.
A reward.
Not such a bad day after all.
Well done, Fathers. Now.
That's a handy old thing
you have there, Mrs Doyle.
Modern technology. It's brilliant.
It is indeed.
And thanks again, Father.
It's the best
Christmas present ever.
- What about the tea machine?
- Oh
Yes.
I'll crank it up right now.
I don't like the sound of that.
We'll have to get it fixed.
Oh, no, Father. Don't, please!
What?
Father, I love the whole
tea-making thing.
You know,
the playful splash of the tea
as it hits the bottom of the cup.
The thrill of adding the milk,
watching it settle for a moment,
before it filters slowly down,
changing the colour from dark
brown to
a lighter brown.
Perching an optional Jaffa Cake
on the saucer,
like a proud soldier standing
to attention beside a giant
cup of tea.
Just think, Father,
remember all the great times we had,
when I used to make the tea?
- Tea, Father?
- Great.
- Tea, Father?
- Thanks, Mrs Doyle.
- Tea, Father?
- Great!
You're right, Mrs Doyle.
Tea out of a machine
is like milk out of a baby's bottle.
The baby doesn't want a bottle,
he wants it out of his mother's
Anyway
Why don't you go
and make us a normal cup of tea?
Right-o, Father.
And don't you worry,
it'll be tea-riffic!
"Tea-riffic". Bloody hell, Dougal.
You know, the priesthood,
it's not about awards and glamour.
It's about hard graft and
the needs of your parishioners.
That Todd Unctious fella,
that could've been me.
Really? Ahh, that explains a lot.
No, I don't think
you picked up on what I meant.
I could have been a bad priest.
Lazy, arrogant, not giving a damn
about my parishioners.
Ted, Mrs Gilcuddy wants you
to do a Remembrance Mass.
- I'm not in.
- He's not in. Ok, bye.
Dougal, I'm sorry
about my recent silliness.
You know, you deserve
this award as much as me.
Really? Thanks, Ted.
That's great. Thanks.
- Why don't we leave it in the case?
- Oh, you better, I suppose.
And my name, we won't change that.
All right. I know it's mine,
that's good enough for me.
Yeah. I'm going to go have a bath,
help me calm down.
Ok.
Dougal?
What are you doing?
Just having a bit of a laugh.
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