Friends s02e11 Episode Script

Okay, here's his diaper bag and his Mr.
Winky.
And him.
Hi! -How did everything go? -Great! There was a projectile throwing up incident, but he started it.
We've gotta go.
Oh, right.
I've got some news.
It's about us.
You and me? No.
Susan and me.
The other "us.
" We're getting married.
As in, "I now pronounce you wife and wife" married? We'd like you to come.
We understand if you don't want to.
Why wouldn't I want to come? I had fun at the first wedding.
I just thought that Why shouldn't I be happy for you? What would it say about me if I couldn't revel in your joy? And I'm reveling, baby! Believe me! Is your finger caught in that chair? Want us to go? The One With the Lesbian Wedding This is cool.
You're actually on television.
I know.
It really hit me last night.
I'm on Days of our Lives.
Then I started thinking about us, and how these are the days of our lives.
Yes! What? Carol and Susan's caterer had a bike accident and she's in a full-body cast.
They want me to do it, which is cool since I've never catered and I need the money.
Is this a problem for you, isn't it? -Would it matter? -You're so great! Thank you! -You're really not going? -I'm really not.
They already live together.
Why do they need to get married? They love each other.
They wanna celebrate that love with the people close to them.
If you wanna call that a reason.
Who's the bitterest man in the living room? The bitterest man in the living room? Hi, neighbor.
-I thought you were over this.
-That has nothing to do with it.
She is my ex-wife, If she were marrying a guy, you wouldn't expect me to go.
If she were marrying a guy, she'd be the worst lesbian ever.
Did I miss it? No, I'm on right after this guy shoots himself.
She's pretty.
And she's really nice.
She taught me about how to work with the cameras and smell-the-fart acting.
-I'm sorry, what? -Excuse me? smell-the-fart acting You got so many lines to learn so fast that sometimes you need a minute to remember your next one.
So while you're thinking you take this big pause where you look all intense.
Like this.
Here's my scene! Here's my scene! Mrs.
Wallace? Dr.
Drake Ramoray, your sister's neurosurgeon.
Is she going to be all right? I'm afraid the situation is much more dire than we'd expected.
Your sister's suffering from a subcranial hematoma.
Perhaps we can discuss this further over coffee.
Nice! For a minute, I thought you were actually smelling something.
-Do it again! -All right! -That was so good! -Do it again.
"Damn it, Braverman! It's right there on the chart!" I gotta get to work.
I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect.
No, that's me.
Oh, right.
Oh, thanks.
Couldn't.
Is everything okay? No.
One of my clients died on the massage table today.
Oh, my God! That's a little more relaxed than you want them to get.
She was, you know, and her name was Mrs.
Adelman.
Oh, honey.
It's just so strange.
You know she probably woke up this morning and thought I'll have some breakfast, take a walk, then have my massage.
Little did she know God thought, "Okay, but that's it.
" Oh, but the weirdest things was I was cleansing her aura when it happened.
And when her spirit left her body I don't think it went very far.
What do you mean? I think it went into me.
This is so hard.
I can't decide between lamb or duck.
Well, lambs are scarier.
Otherwise the movie would've been called silence of the Ducks.
Okay, who ordered what? I had the half-drunk cappuccino with the lipstick on the rim.
And this with the cigarette butt in it, is that decaf? Oh, God.
You're so uptight about your mom coming.
I know.
I just don't want her to think that because I didn't marry Barry my life is total crap.
Talk about crap, just listen to Stella Neidman tell her story about Rod Steiger for the hundredth time.
I'm sorry.
At least you guys haven't need to hear staff she said in my head.
Pheebs? How long do you think this lady will be with us? I don't know.
She obviously has some unfinished business.
Sit up! There she is! -Mom! -Hey, sweetie! So this is where you work! Oh, it's wonderful! Is it a living room? Is it a restaurant? Who can tell? I guess that's the fun.
Pretty much.
Here, meet my friends.
Monica! You look gorgeous! Oh, my! The last time I saw you, it was eat or be eaten.
This is Joey.
This is Phoebe.
This is Chandler.
You remember Ross? Oh, hello, Ross.
Mrs.
Greene.
What do you think of my daughter, in the apron with the big job! Oh, Mom! If you didn't pour the coffee, no one would have anything to drink.
Believe me, sometimes that happens.
This is just so exciting! You know, I never worked.
I went straight from my father's house to the sorority house to my husband's house.
I am just so proud of you! Really? Let's make a day of it! We will have lunch, we will shopping, we will get nails done, whatever you want.
Mom, I have to work.
What! No one else can pour coffee? I know who you remind me of.
Evelyn Durmer.
That's before the lousy face-lift.
Now she looks like Soupy Sales.
Pheebs? Who's Evelyn Durmer? I don't know.
Who's Soupy Sales? Oh, my God! There's an unattractive nude man playing the cello.
Just be glad he's not playing a smaller instrument.
You have some life here, sweetie! Mom, I realize you and dad were upset when I didn't marry Barry and get the house in the suburbs with all the security.
This is just so much better for me.
I do know.
You didn't love Barry, honey.
And I've never seen you this happy.
I look at you and I think, "This is what I want.
" For me.
Well, not just for you.
What do you mean? I'm considering leaving your father.
All right, tell me if this is too cute.
Lesbian wedding chicken breasts.
Oh, God.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
What? It's not like I'm putting little nipples on them.
Oh! Honey, I'm sorry.
Please don't be mad at me.
What can I do? You order me to make those martial art trick you used to like.
I can call it Carl Meilong to find out how? Mom, I just don't understand.
I thought you are happy.
So did I.
You know sometime you are driving on the highway, and you get home, and you can't actually remember you have driven there.
That's kind of my life being like.
Coundn't you listen to the radio more? I wish it is that easy.
But then I see you here and I keep thinking why can't I have this? I want adventures, I want hang out, I want Chandler.
Believe me, Chandler is no reason to leave daddy! You think it's something having a lot of fun, but it's really hard, really hard.
I got this lausy job, I barely know how to make it ramdon.
Forget about to buying stuff.
Honey! You don't understand.
I'm be doing what you are doning, but with money.
It's very different.
-You had no idea what they getting along? -None.
They didn't fight a lot? No, they didn't even talk to each other.
How was I suppose to know they were having problems? You know, in my day, divorce was not an option.
Hey, look who's up! I just can't believe this is happening! When I was little, everybody's parents got divorced.
I figured as an grown up, I wouldn't have to worry about it.
Can't you look at this as flattering? She just wants to be like you.
Well, couldn't she have just copied my haircut? When my parents divorced, they sent me to a shrink and she told me that kids blame themselves.
But in your case, it's actually kind of true.
Oh, that's him.
Damn! My mail-order grandfather hasn't come yet.
-Phoebe? -Hi, Mr.
Adelman.
-Nice to see you.
-Thanks for meeting me.
That's okay.
Although you did cut into my busy day of sitting.
Do you wanna sit? No, I spent most of my morning trying to stand up.
What can I do for you, my dear? Okay, I don't know how to say this, but.
I think when your wife's spirit left her body it kind of stuck around in me.
You're saying my wife is in you? Yeah.
You don't have to believe me, but can you think of any unfinished business she had? Any reason to hang around? I don't know what to say.
All I can think of is that she used to say that before she died, she wanted to see everything.
-Everything? -Everything.
That's a lot of stuff.
Oh, wait, l.
I remember she also said she wanted to sleep with me one last time.
I'm sorry.
There's laughing in my head.
Worth a shot, huh? Look at this! These are all Halloween, three years ago.
My little matini.
I love your oral of hair.
Oh, and look, here's Barry.
He came straight from the office? Oh, no.
That was his costume.
See, he's actually an orthodontist, but he came as a regular dentist.
He thought that was really funny.
You guys? Remember when I said that I don't need your help? Actually, I think you said "Don't touch that and get out of my kitchen.
" Really? Weird.
Anyway.
I planned really well.
I planned and planned.
I just didn't plan enough time to do it.
-You want some help? -lf you want.
What a day! I took her everywhere.
The Museum of Modern Art, Rockefeller Center the Statue of Liberty.
She's still with you? Yes.
I guess she hasn't seen everything yet.
Be right back.
She has to go to the bathroom again.
Such a pretty face! Oh, this is so much fun! Just the girls! Do you know what we should do? Does anybody have any marijuana? God! Did I have to ask do we have pot.
Look, no one's smoking pot around all this food.
Well, that's fine.
I never did it.
I just thought I might.
What's new in sex? What's new in sex? The only man I've been with is your father.
I'm dicing.
I'm dicing.
I don't hear anything.
This is no offense to your dad, but I was thinking there might be more.
You know what? I cannot have this conversation with you.
All right.
You come here and drop this bomb on me before you even tell Daddy.
Do you want my blessing? Want me to talk you out of it? Then what do you want? I guess I figured you would understand.
Why on earth would I understand this? You didn't marry your Barry, honey.
But I married mine.
We're in trouble.
We've only got Move, move, move! I feel like you should Joey, speed it up! I'm sorry! It's the pigs! They're reluctant to get in the blanket! How did this happen? I thought you had this planned out.
Do you want me to cry? Is that what you want? Do you wanna see me cry? Sir, no, sir! All right, you! No.
Look, I told you, I am not a part of this thing.
Look, Ross.
I know you have issues with Carol and Susan, and I feel for you.
But if you don't help, I'm gonna take those hot dogs and create an appetizer called "Pigs In Ross.
" All right, ball a melon! How come I'm stuck dicing when he gets to ball a melon? -How's it going? -Great! Right on schedule.
Got my little happy helpers.
That's fine.
Whatever.
What's wrong? Nothing.
Okay, everything.
I think we're calling off the wedding.
You're still gonna pay me, right? Or something a little less selfish.
What's the matter? What happened? My parents called to say they weren't coming.
I knew they were having trouble with this, but they're my parents.
They're supposed to give me away.
Susan and I fought because I said maybe we should call it off.
She said, "This isn't for them.
It's for us.
" And if I couldn't see that, we should cancel the wedding.
I don't know what to do.
I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I think Susan's right.
You do? Do you love her? And don't be too emphatic about this.
Of course I do.
Well then, that's it.
If George and Adelaide can't accept that, then the hell with them.
If my parents didn't want me to marry you no way that would've stopped me.
Look, this is your wedding.
Do it.
You're right.
Of course you're right.
So we're back on? We're back on.
You heard the woman! Peel! Chop! Devil! Can't believe I lost two minutes! It just seems so futile.
You know? All these women, and nothing! I feel like Superman without my powers, you know? I have the cape, and yet I cannot fly.
Well, now you understand how I feel every single day.
The world is my lesbian wedding.
Butterscotch? No one? All right, you'll be sorry later.
-Thank you.
-Anytime.
Ross.
Nothing makes God happier than when two people, any two people, come together in love.
Friends, family, we're gathered here today to join Carol and Susan in holy matrimony.
Oh, my God! Now I've seen everything! She's gone! She's gone! She's gone.
Go ahead, get married.
Go, go! Strangers in the night Exchanging glances Wondering in the night Would you look at them? Yeah.
Can't help but.
How's that pig-in-the-blanket working out for you? I wrapped those bad boys.
I miss Rose.
Oh, yeah? I know it's kind of weird, but she was a big part of my life.
I don't know, I feel alone.
You know, I couldn't help overhearing what you just said.
I think it's time you forget about Rose, move on with your life.
How about we get you a drink? Okay.
So nice! I shouldn't even bother coming up with a line, right? Hey, Mom, having fun? Am l! I just danced with a wonderfully large woman.
And three other girls made eyes at me over at the buffet.
I'm not saying it's something I wanna pursue but it's nice to know I have options.
There's more alcohol, right? How you doing? You did a good thing today.
You wanna dance? No, that's fine.
Come on.
I'll let you lead.
Look, penis, schmenis! Okay? We're all people.
Which one of us is gonna be the first one to get married? Mon, I was married.
-Yeah, me too, technically.
-I had a wedding.
Just trying to start a discussion.
Which one do you think will be the last to get married? Isn't Ben in this? Of course! Absolutely.