Futurama s02e11 Episode Script

Futurama is brought to you by Arachno Spores,|the fatal spore With the funny name.
Lesser of Two Evils Cop Department is real.
The people are not actors.
Most aren't even people.
Come on, man.
|I didn't fire off no laser.
Then Why is there a smoking hole|in your ceiling? Crazy upstairs lady's|been shooting doWn.
You're on the top floor|of this domicile.
Get that f* * *ing camera|out of my house! Just relax, ma'am.
|Sir? Put doWn the lamp.
Okay, I'm cooperating.
That's it.
|Put up your hands.
Nice and sloW.
|Oh, yeah.
- While you're at it, unblur your face.
|- Oh, man! Bender, you said you were|in this episode.
No.
I'm on Caught on Tape Three|for what I did in the coffee pot.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
|I'm just going through some things.
I'm going in.
Cop Department|Will be right back.
Is today's lifestyle making you tense|and impatient? Shut up and get to the point! Then relive the carefree|days of yore at Past-O-Rama Where old NeW York comes alive.
|- It's like living in the year 2000.
Time for the mammoth hunt, dudes.
- Let's disco dance, Hammurabi.
|- "Dy-no-mite!" Located on the former site|of Brooklyn.
Sounds like your kind of place.
|Wanna go? If I ever wanna go back,|I'll freeze myself again.
Come on, Fry! I want to see it.
|You know I yearn for a simpler time of barn dances and buggy rides before life was cheapened|by heartless machines.
But Bender, you are a It's like the good old days.
Give me your wallet|or I'll cut you! Get a picture of me being "mugged.
" Give me the camera too! Learning is fun.
Ancient Wall Street.
- No!|- I'm ruined! I direct your attention|to this ancient tablet.
Which has yet to be deciphered.
- Do you know?|- Yes.
A cop told me.
It means, "Up yours.
" I'm really enjoying the day out|with you people.
Hey, a suicide booth!|So long, suckers! Sorry, Bender,|that's just a phone booth.
- What were they used for?|- In New York? Bathrooms.
I'll be out in a second.
"Tokens only.
"|How does this work? I'll show you.
It's a turnstile.
What's this? - Another bathroom?|- It's a mobile apartment with no rent.
Come on, Fry, get up! The tomb of the 20th century's|greatest spiritual leader AI Sharpton.
Now, this guy had taste.
He was mummified|in ceremonial vestments.
We called it a "jogging suit.
" Old NeW York's traffic jams Were a public forum|for the exchange of opinions.
Move it, crap for brains! Get on, bastard man! It all started|With Gerald Ford's invention the Automo-Car,|poWered by a tank of burning fossils.
Here is a 20th century|assembly line Where cars Were constructed|by primitive robots.
We've come a long way, baby.
The fruit of the robot's labor Was|the stately 1992 Latoura.
My girlfriend had one!|Actually, she wasn't my girlfriend she just never closed|her curtains.
Didn't I tell you to end|your stories a sentence earlier? Let's sneak in for a closer look.
We don't touch the antiques, sir.
I'm sorry.
You work here.
|I should have known from that getup.
This is from Miller's Outpo|I mean, yeah, I work here all right.
Move this rust bucket out behind|Saint Koch's cathedral.
Did you drive much, Fry? No one in New York drove.
|There was too much traffic.
Nice.
|Listen to that baby purr.
There's a baby in there, huh? It's just like riding a bicy - I think I got whiplash.
|- How? You don't have a neck.
I meant ass whiplash.
I'm glad we hit something.
|I thought we'd never stop.
I think I got whiplash.
How's that robot I hit? We did all we could.
- You mean he's|- Good as new? Yes! Leela, Zoidberg, the rest of you,|this is Flexo.
Except for that stylish beard,|he looks just like Bender! No duh! We're both bending units.
What's your serial number? No way! Mine's 2716057.
- I don't get it.
|- We're both the sum of two cubes.
Sorry about crushing your body, Flexo.
|You okay now? Well, I don't feel as bad as you look.
I'm just messing with you.
|You're okay.
That's some face you've got.
|There's a cream for that.
- No.
You're great.
|- Is there anything I can do for you? Your stunt did a number on my back.
|You mind rubbing it for me? Sure.
That's it.
|A little lower.
- How's that?|- Lower.
- That's it.
A little lower, though.
|- I can't get any lower.
I'll say.
|You're rubbing my ass! Check it out.
|Six beautiful devices.
They know what you like, and they|do it to within one micron.
- Spin those fans, baby.
|- Yeah, baby! All right, mama! - Spin it, baby.
|- Gyrate it, honey! I don't like this place.
|It's 120 with little oxygen.
Shut up and hoot.
- Yeah!|- All right! Hubba-hubba! She is built!|In Mexico, I believe.
And that ain't silicon.
|It's tungsten, and plenty of it.
Yeah.
|Look at that exhaust fan.
- Pervert.
|- Yoo-hoo Thanks, moderate spender.
|Select erotic transaction.
How about a lap dance|for my pal here? No.
|That's all right.
Really.
There's something about Flexo|I don't like.
Hey, Fry? Think fast! Get it? It's chlorine! - It's funny because it's poisonous.
|- Keep laughing, shrimp.
He's bad news.
|I regret hitting him.
Take a rage dump.
|He's no worse than Bender.
He is.
He drinks, smokes|and posts naked photos of me.
- That's Bender.
|- I'm talking about Flexo.
I get it.
This is cute.
|You're jealous of Bender's new friend.
No, I'm not! Mark my words: Flexo's evil.
|He's the evil Bender.
Rage dump.
Good news, everyone.
Report to|my bedroom for a private exhibition.
Everyone, get in bed with me.
|I have something to show you.
Feast your eyes on this! It's beautiful! And huge! Can I touch it? What is it, already? It's a single atom of Jumbonium.
An element so rare the nucleus alone|is worth more than $50,000.
- How much more?|- 100,000.
That's why I hid it|under my mattress.
Can we discuss this somewhere else? Why certainly.
The atom sits atop|this dime-store tiara to be awarded to the winner|of the Miss Universe Pageant.
Your job is to deliver it,|safe and sound.
When I was a little girl,|I dreamed of being Miss Universe.
That's pathetic.
Deep down,|all girls wanna be Miss Universe.
- Not me.
|- Really? Maybe it's just cute girls.
The atom's value would bankrupt|Planet Express, if it were stolen.
We'll need to hire additional security|for the mission.
Mister Professor, right here! We should stick with people we know.
- Flexo's great, but|- Flexo's great? That's good enough for me.
Welcome aboard, lad.
Space bandidos are operating nearby.
You'll take eight-hour guard shifts.
Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.
Wait.
Hold on.
|Let's go alphabetically.
Okay.
Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.
Go by rank.
Okay.
Bender, then Flexo, then Fry.
Flexo outranks me? That's "Flexo outranks me, sir!" - Who goes there?|- Don't point that at me.
I know Flexo's your friend,|but I don't trust him.
Just because he has a beard|you label him as evil? I've got a label for you,|an ugly word called "prejudice.
" - I'm not prejudiced.
|- Save it for the cross burning, Adolf! - Keeping an eye on the safe?|- You know it! Looks like it's my shift.
|Lie down and go off-line for a while.
All right.
Caught you!|You were looking at the atom.
So? I look at lots of atoms.
- Shouldn't you rest up for your shift?|- You'd like me to fall asleep.
Whatever it takes to shut your yapper.
I'm just kidding you.
Here's a joke:|I'm gonna sit here until my shift.
- Suit yourself, skinbag.
|- I will.
- Good!|- Good! Good! That's eight hours.
Eight hours of solid boredom.
I'm kidding.
|You're a wonderful man.
Finally, the atom is safe.
What is it? My God!|Did you hear maracas? - No.
|- It wasn't space bandidos.
Lock the ship.
- Don't let Flexo escape.
|- Aye, aye.
It appears Flexo has outwitted us all.
|Especially me Bender.
How did he steal the atom? By using a sleep ray.
|Sleep rays exist, right? - No.
|- Then I fell asleep.
You were sure right about Flexo.
The ship's locked.
|He may have escaped.
Thanks, Bender.
|Let's look for him.
I've got a map of the ship right here.
Keep an eye on Fry.
|It's possible that he did it.
Searching Why are you looking for Flexo|in my underpants? He wasn't here 10 minutes ago,|so I thought I'd check again.
Well, he wasn't in the kitchen room.
Bender, can I hold that map|for a second? And leave me high and dry in case|of a scavenger hunt? No way.
Give it up! All right, take it! Looks like Flexo got away clean.
It's a darn shame.
He must have jumped ship|just as we landed.
Or maybe he never left at all! Wait.
You're Bender.
Who said I wasn't? Why were you wearing a scarf,|a turtleneck and this? It's a little thing called style.
|Look it up sometime.
Our ninth finalist,|Miss Methane Planet Halatina Smogmeyer.
And our tenth and final finalist,|Miss Earth's Moon the Crush-A-Nator.
Thank you, Bob Barker.
|I'm as happy as a girl can be.
End statement.
Which one of these lovely womanoids|will take home the atomic tiara? Downplay the tiara.
We'll find out after these|subliminal messages.
You lost the atom, huh?|You're garbage! Human garbage! Do you space jockeys have any idea|how much it's worth? - $100,000?|- $200,000? - $200,001?|- You're closest without going over.
We'll leave.
Just sign,|saying you received the atom.
I'm not signing squat.
|Find me that damn tiara.
- But, Mr.
Barker|- Enough! I may be against the fur industry,|but I'll skin you alive! As long as no one wears the skin.
Well, gentlemen,|it appears we're boned.
- Flexo!|- Get him! Next, in what is generously called|the talent competition performing a traditional|gangster rap, Miss What the? Got you! Fight! Fight! Fight! - Shoot him, he's choking me!|- No.
Shoot him, he's choking me! - I don't know which one to shoot!|- Shoot Flexo! Women only room! All right, enough of this! There's the atom! Bender? You stole the atom? Yeah, but I can explain:|It's very valuable.
I saw him snatch it while Fry slept.
|That's why I ran to tell Bob Barker.
Wait a second.
|Bender is the evil Bender? I am shocked! Shocked!|Well, not that shocked.
I'm sorry we suspected you, Flexo.
|But with the beard Don't even bother!|You people sicken me! I put my life on the line.
|This is how you repay me? You can go rot for all I care! I'm just kidding.
|You guys are all right.
I'm so confused.
The Bender I like is evil,|and the Bender I hate is good.
How can I live my life|and not tell good from evil? They're both fine choices.
|Whatever floats your boat.
- Is this the guy?|- Huh? Yeah.
It looks like him.
- Wait, but l|- Take him away.
Let's put an end|to this pathetic hoedown.
Brannigan? And the winner is Who else but Zapp Brannigan would be judging the most|chauvinistic, degrading Leela? Wait, you're making a Look at that! I feel like a princess! Are you people idiots? I'm still going mano a mano|with this envelope.
And the winner is Miss Vega 4! There it is Miss Universe There it is looking Weird I almost had that tiara.
Me too.
You guys are losers but I made out with the woman|from the Radiator Planet.
Fry, that's a radiator.
Is there a burn ward nearby?