Get Smart (1965) s02e11 Episode Script

( dogs barking ) If we don't hear from Agent 27 today, we're going to have to send someone in to find him.
You're really worried about him, Chief.
since we've had a message from him.
Well, Chief, you know how Agent 27 hates to write letters.
Max, the assignment he was on is a vital one.
We've traced Hans Hunter halfway around the world.
This may be our last chance to capture him.
Hans Hunter.
Wasn't he a high-ranking Nazi? He was at various times a Nazi, a communist, a member of the mafia, and is right now one of the top executives of KAOS.
If there's anything I hate, it's a joiner.
- ( intercom buzzes ) - Yes? Oh, have him bring it right in.
It's something from 27.
You can just put it down right there.
Sign right there, please.
Hey, what kind of a signature is that? It's "The Chief.
" It's my official signature.
Sorry, mister, but I got to have a name on this.
This is a top-secret government organization.
My real name is classified information.
I'm sorry, but no name, no delivery.
That's company policy.
- This is ridiculous! - That's tough beans, Charlie.
All right, all right.
- Oh, boy.
- What's the matter with you now? I've delivered a lot of packages in my time, some here to CONTROL and some over to KAOS headquarters, and I'll tell you this-- crime may not pay, but it sure tips a lot better.
All right, let's get this crate open.
- Max, you have your screwdriver? - Right here, Chief.
( screams ) ( theme music playing ) Chief, it's 27! Chief, I think there's something definitely wrong with 27.
I'll say there is.
He's dead.
Well, at least he can't get any worse.
He looks so strange.
I don't know how to say this, 99, but Agent 27 has been stuffed.
Stuffed? Oh, how horrible, Chief.
- The only thing left is to bury him.
- It seems a shame to bury him.
- What do you mean? - Couldn't we donate him to a museum? - What did you find out, Max? - You were right, Chief.
The boys in the lab went over the body thoroughly, and they found out that he was shot with a poisoned dart, then stuffed like an animal.
Who do you think did it, Chief? Hans Hunter? Undoubtedly, 99.
It's typical of his and KAOS's fiendish sense of humor.
They must have killed him and then sent us the body as a warning.
Chief, you've got to let me go after Hunter.
I want to get that madman, no matter how dangerous it is.
I don't care if he is one of the world's greatest killers.
I don't care if he is a master of fiendish torture and death.
I want him, Chief.
You've got to let me have that assignment.
- You've got it, Max.
- If you'd rather send someone else - The job's yours, Max.
- I don't want to force you into it.
- You'll leave tonight, you and 99.
- Where do we go, Chief? That's exactly what we have to find out.
We've got to figure out where 27's body was sent from.
Well, Chief, why don't we do a little basic detective work? Now, for example, the wood in this crate is thin and unprocessed.
There's no evidence of any machine tools used on it, and the nails are of a peculiar shape not usually manufactured in this hemisphere.
Then there are some hairs caught in this slat here, as though the crate had been carried over a long distance by animal.
Those are excellent clues, Max, but what do they mean? They mean this, Chief-- that this crate was put together and sent from the Caribbean island of Moriva.
Max, that's fantastic! It certainly is.
How did you arrive at that conclusion? From the return address.
Now, we'll get you to Moriva by submarine.
Since you're posing as sportsmen on a hunting and fishing expedition, I've asked Carlson to come up with some special equipment to fit with your gear.
- Carlson.
- This has been specifically designed for the agent on vacation.
It's called a V-11 Modified Vindicator, Resort Model.
Let me show you how it works.
Are you ready, gentlemen? - ( gun fires ) - ( bullets ricochet ) Oh, it's one of the deadliest guns I've ever invented.
It's a little unsportsmanlike for shooting fish, isn't it? Max, it's an antipersonnel weapon.
Have you got anything else, Carlson? Well, we have the A-14 Mark II Incinigrator.
( machine whirs ) That's fascinating, Professor.
What does it do? Absolutely nothing.
But in the event you're captured by the enemy, they'll be so intrigued by the way it works, you'll have time to escape.
Carlson, do you have something compact and lethal that they can carry on their persons? Well, yes.
We have the only new device right over here.
- Oh, cigarettes.
- Not just cigarettes, Chief.
- They're called Bazooka Butts.
- Plain or menthol? Neither.
You see, you put one in your mouth, light it, take one puff, then throw it.
- And what happens? - A super grenade, complete devastation.
Oh, but you don't have to worry about a thing.
You see, as long as they're not ignited, nothing will happen.
And don't forget that only half of them are Bazooka Butts.
The rest are real cigarettes camouflaging them.
You be sure and brief 99 on this.
You'd better come with me, Max.
Your submarine is waiting.
Uh, just one question, Professor.
What happens if you take more than one puff? You'll blow a hole in the back of your head the size of a basketball.
Well, that's one way to quit smoking.
Where do we go now, Max? Well, let's take a look at the map and see.
Okay.
Now here's our route.
We go straight along this path past Alligator Swamp, turn right at the rattlesnake pit, then crawl through the spider cave and go single file between the sulfur bog and Dead Man's Cliff.
Max, isn't there another way? - Yes, 99, but they advise against it.
- Why? It's too dangerous.
Come on, let's get out of here.
Max, I can't go any further.
We're really lost.
Don't be ridiculous, 99.
I know exactly where I'm going.
I have an infallible sense of direction.
But, Max, it just seems to me that we've been walking in circles for hours.
But that can't be possible.
Every time we've stopped on the trail, I've made a little mark.
That way we know where we've been.
- What kind of little mark, Max? - A little "X.
" - Like that? - Exactly like that.
Oh, Max.
We're hopelessly lost.
Would you drop that please, Mr.
Smart? Take their weapons.
My name is Hans Hunter.
I'm sure you've heard of me.
Yes.
Murderer, thief and traitor.
Well, people will gossip.
I'm sure your lovely companion will learn to like me just a little bit.
- I doubt that very much.
- ( chuckles ) Take them to the lodge.
Just a minute, Hunter.
You don't really think we'd be stupid enough to come in here alone, do you? - What do you mean? - Just this-- in a very short while General Crawford and a hundred of his crack paratroopers will come crashing into this landing.
( laughing ) Would you believe J Edgar Hoover and 10 of his G-men? How about Tarzan and a couple of his apes? Get moving.
Bomba the Jungle Boy? Make yourselves comfortable.
Please sit down.
Ah, you're much smarter than your Agent 27.
If he had taken my advice and gotten some rest, he would have lasted a few minutes longer.
So you did murder Agent 27.
"Murder" is a very nasty word.
Let's just say that in the contest between myself and 27, I was the victor.
- Contest? What contest? - Yes.
Hunting is my hobby, Mr.
Smart.
I've hunted all over the world-- India, Africa, the wilds of Tibet.
I have stalked and killed a huge rogue elephant, the ferocious Bengal tiger, and once, Mr.
Smart-- once, Mr.
Smart-- have you ever heard of the Great White Rhino? That was done by the Great White Rhino? No.
This was done by a small blue convertible.
The Great White Rhino was driving a small blue convertible? Mr.
Smart, I've heard of your exploits.
You too are a hunter-- a hunter of men, a man much worthy of my skill.
I knew when I killed Agent 27 you would come hunting me.
Yes, Hunter, I've accepted your challenge.
And here we are face to face.
Now what do you have in mind? I could kill you, Mr.
Smart.
I could kill you very easily.
But I will give you one chance to live-- a 50-50 chance.
We will play a little game called Russian Roulette.
It's very simple, really.
Six chambers, one cartridge.
- ( chamber spins ) - Would you like to begin? - You wouldn't switch to checkers? - No.
The game is over, Hunter.
Get over there.
All right, now everybody stay right where you are.
- 99, we're getting out of here.
- Igor, stop them.
Stay where you are, lgor.
I'm warning you.
One more step and I'll put a bullet right between those beady little eyes.
( trigger clicks ) Uh, listen, lgor, I hope I wasn't out of line with that crack about the beady eyes.
Put him down, lgor.
( chuckling ) Very well, Mr.
Smart.
Most resourceful.
But surely you didn't think I would put a loaded weapon in your hands.
Max, he palmed the bullet.
And now I must say good night.
I have to get up early.
Igor and I are going hunting.
Oh? And what poor animal are you gonna hunt this time? As you can see, Mr.
Smart, my trophy collection includes one of almost every kind of animal except one-- you, a Homo sapien.
Now just a minute, Hunter! I'm as normal as you are! What about me, Hunter? I have other plans for you, my dear.
I hope that you will stay on here as my permanent guest.
I'd rather take my chances in the jungle with Max.
Very loyal, my dear, and very stupid.
We're CONTROL agents, Hunter.
We're trained to be very loyal and very stupid.
Igor will show you to your rooms.
Get a good rest.
We'll have an early start.
Max, what are we going to do? He's going to set us loose in the jungle, hunt us down and kill us! Don't be ridiculous, 99.
With my skill as a jungle fighter, he doesn't have a chance.
- You know it and I know it.
- Max, look! Now if only he knew it.
I will give you one hour's head start, Mr.
Smart.
If you can elude me until sundown, you will go free.
- You'll let us go free? - You have my word.
Why should we take the word of a vicious, homicidal, psychopathic killer like you? Because I am a gentleman.
Oh.
Well, that's different.
Okay.
Now how about weapons? Yes.
I will limit myself to rifles, shotguns, pistols and knives.
Oh, that seems fair.
Now how about us? You? You will have your raw courage, your daring, your resourcefulness, your sharp wits.
Listen, Hunter, I'll make a deal with you.
I'll trade you two of my sharp wits for one of your rifles.
Good luck, Mr.
Smart.
How about her raw courage for a pistol? I suggest that you start.
My resourcefulness for a knife? Very well.
That might make the hunt more interesting.
Oh, I suggest you start running.
Listen, lgor, how would you like to swap this nice new knife for that dirty old pistol? - Ehh.
- Was that "yes" or "no"? - No.
- I thought so.
Until sundown, Mr.
Smart.
( barking ) - Oh! - Come on, we can't stop now.
We've got to keep going.
They're gonna catch up with us, Max.
What are we gonna do? - We've got to even the odds.
- How? - Here, take this and start digging.
- Why? We're gonna build a pit.
Then I'm gonna sharpen some stakes and put them in the bottom of the pit, then we'll cover the pit over.
Nobody'll know it's there.
Then finally someone will jump into the pit and be impaled on the stakes.
I've heard of that, Max.
It's called a Malayan Mantrap.
- It is? - Uh-huh.
Do you think it'll work? - Well, that all depends, 99.
- On what? - On whether Hunter's a Malayan man.
- Oh! Keep digging, 99.
( hounds barking ) - Max, listen! - What is it? Do you know what that sound is? I'm not sure, but it'll never make the top 10.
- That's the dogs.
They're almost here.
- What time is it? It's only 3:00.
We won't be out of danger as long as that sun's shining.
The way I look at it, 99, there's only one thing that can save us.
- What is that? - A total eclipse.
Max, here they come! All right.
That's it.
From now on, no more Mr.
Nice Guy.
( hounds barking ) I c-- I can't go any further, Max.
You've got to try, 99.
It's almost sundown.
( hounds barking ) - Max, a bridge.
- It looks like the only way across, 99.
Listen, if we can get across this bridge and then destroy it, Hans Hunter will have no way of following us.
- But, Max, it doesn't look very safe.
- Don't be ridiculous, 99.
Whoever built this bridge built it strong enough to support their weight.
- Who do you think did build it, Max? - A very small pygmy.
How far do you think it is to the bottom of that gorge? - About a half a mile.
- Listen, Max.
If you took a running start and you jumped as far as you could, how far do you think you could go? - ( hounds barking ) - About a half a mile.
Listen, Max, they're coming.
We've got to do something.
I'm all for taking our chances on the bridge.
- What's the alternative? - Certain death.
In that case, I'm all for taking our chances on the bridge.
Listen, Max, it's not gonna hold both of us, though.
- 99, I'll carry you across.
- That's not gonna work, Max.
- I still think we should go together.
- Why? Well, that way, in case the bridge collapses, then at least we'll have someone to talk to on the way down.
- All right, but hurry! - Okay, 99.
- Now follow close behind me, 99.
- Okay.
And be very careful.
The slightest little swing, - we could go plunging to our deaths.
- Right.
And whatever you do, 99, don't laugh.
Max, I can't hold on! Just a little ways longer, 99.
Don't let go now.
Come on, 99.
Just a little ways more.
- We made it, Max! - Listen, 99.
( hounds barking ) Max, it's lgor.
He's going to cross the bridge.
What are we going to do? - I've got to stop him.
You stay here.
- Be careful, Max! ( groans ) Good work, Max! - Now let's take care of the bridge.
- Right.
All we have to do is let the bridge down, 99.
Once we destroy the bridge, Hunter can't follow us.
It's five minutes till sundown, 99.
We've made it! ( screams ) Well, Mr.
Smart, it's been fun while it lasted.
Come down, please.
You really didn't do as well as I thought you would, although you dispatched lgor quite nicely.
Huh-uh! It's only 4:55, Mr.
Smart.
I was sure you'd still be alive at least until 5:00.
I'm disappointed.
You're disappointed? How do you think we feel? Before I kill you, I will make a final offer.
I would still like to keep one of you with me.
It would be a terrible waste for someone so young and so beautiful to die.
I'm sorry, Hunter, but I'm not interested.
- I think he means me, Max.
- Huh? Oh.
Yes, of course, 99.
Well, what do you say? - You know what my answer is.
- Of course.
You see, Mr.
Hunter, with a dedicated agent like 99, there can be only one answer to a suggestion like that, and I think we all know what that answer is.
- What is that answer, 99? - No! Of course.
The answer is no, Hunter.
Then prepare to die.
- Wait.
- You've changed your mind? No, I'd just like one last request.
- What is it? - Just a cigarette.
Go ahead.
It will be your last.
Max, may I have a cigarette, please? smoking at a time like this? Yes, I'd really like a cigarette, and I think you ought to have one too.
Forget it, 99.
You know I'm trying to quit smoking.
Max, I think you need a cigarette.
I don't need right now, it's a c-- of course.
That's exactly what I need.
You have 15 seconds, Mr.
Smart.
- Do you have a light, Max? - Right here.
- 10 seconds.
- Oh, it's got to work! - It's got a money-back guarantee.
- Five seconds.
Are you quite finished, Mr.
Smart? We'll know in a minute.
( gasps ) Oh, Max, how terrible! He deserved it, 99.
He was a KAOS killer.
Sometimes I wonder if we're any better, Max.
What are you talking about, 99? We have to shoot and kill and destroy.
We represent everything that's wholesome and good in the world.
( theme music playing )