Girlfriends Guide To Divorce (2014) s02e11 Episode Script

1 Previously on "Girlfriend's Guide To Divorce" I am kind of screwed.
My book is due in a few weeks, and I'm on chapter three.
I've just been so busy at SheShe and with Jake in Latvia.
You guys, I'm so sorry.
We have to go.
- Sorry.
- No, you have to stay.
Abby, back off.
I just want to make sure you're not giving him a pass because you feel guilty about what happened with your boss.
- What if we moved there? - New York? I could work from the New York office.
I have been driving myself crazy trying to make this work.
I'm not even sure I like you.
Seems like we're done here.
Let's not introduce JD as the artist.
Let's run with the enigma thing.
You take my breath away.
No, Ralf, I can't.
I can't.
What if I care about you, Jo? [both screaming.]
- [crying.]
- Want to meet your son? [thud.]
- Oh mama, oh mama, oh mama, oh-oh - She just blacked out.
Check your pulse.
Do you feel any pain in your neck or head? We're going to elevate your legs.
- Oh.
- Abby, you scared us.
- Jesus, Abs.
- Hi.
I'm fine.
I'm fine.
I just I don't know what happened.
I was up, taking care of Becca, and then I was down.
It was so surreal.
You fainted because of all the stress.
What, you think? Who knew Jake was black? Any clue on the baby papa? - Taye Diggs.
- Wow, Taye Diggs.
- Oh, my God.
- Becca's one-night stand.
Seriously? After you invested all this time and concern into Becca and the baby? I did.
I really did.
Sorry, it's just that, you know, the real shocker was that the baby wasn't ours.
I mean, Jake's.
I mean, the kids and I, we we were really getting attached, and Well, now you can have your life back.
- Yeah.
- I know, and I will do that.
I just, uh I'm gonna get there.
I just the baby and Harris sort of blew up and out of my life on the same night.
- No.
- Harris? What happened? Oh, it is definitely for the best.
Turns out he is not into kids.
Well, then it's good-bye, Dr.
Dickwad, right? There's a doctor behind me, isn't there? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Good morning, Ms.
McCarthy.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- I'm Dr.
Nickel.
- How are you feeling? - Much better.
I just, um I got a little overwhelmed.
- And it's nothing serious.
- Not yet.
But according to your blood work, you have low proteins, hemoglobin, calcium.
Have you been on a juice cleanse? - No.
- Good.
I have no patience for Juice Moms.
Chew something.
That's why God gave us teeth.
Still, you are run down, dehydrated.
You need to take better care of yourself.
So, I'm gonna let you go here today if you promise to rest for a few days and eat a sandwich or ten.
[phone chimes.]
- Uh - [clears throat.]
I promise.
I, uh, cross my heart.
[chuckles.]
I just rest, sandwich.
So you're 40 plus years young this week, huh? [chuckles.]
Yay.
- Happy birthday.
- Thank you.
But you're getting older.
The next time you collapse, you could smash your head.
People die that way.
Copy that.
Thank you, Doctor, really.
Thank you so much for that.
What a way to start your birthday week, huh? - Yeah.
- "People die that way.
" Abby, I think we should celebrate gently before you expire from the juice cleanses.
- We should.
- Thursday night? - I'm free.
- Oh.
Gordon's in Vegas.
He's celebrating his bachelor party.
"Duh, guys, let's celebrate my marriage by being horny idiots; come on.
" Vegas, which is like the land of depression and loneliness.
Even I think it's tacky.
Some people, you know, use it as an opportunity to bond with your friends, you know, before you're moving on.
I like bachelorette parties.
- No, not really.
- Not to me.
[phone chirps.]
Well, I gotta go.
It's work, 911.
All right.
- Okay.
- Feel better, Abs.
Bye, sweetie, see you.
So Thursday night? Abby's birthday? - Yeah, right.
Abby.
- Don't forget.
- All right, bye.
- Okay.
- Oh, my God, she is so annoyed.
- She has no idea.
You guys, do you think we should really do this? Yes, yes, yes.
She's gonna be so surprised.
Wait.
Are you gonna be okay? Barbara has hooked us up at a very exclusive "ladies club.
" - What? - Dude strippers.
Mmm, yeah.
But you might be not into it right now.
Negative, no.
We're not gonna wimp out on Delia's bachelorette because of me.
So if you're sure, we have to show up at her office after work and kidnap her.
I'll get the masks.
- Kidnap? - Masks? That's how you do it.
Calling all the shots out Well, unless anyone else has anything, I guess that's a wrap until next month.
I have something.
About the East Coast office situation.
We all know that New York headhunters have been poaching us to death.
I know.
That's the problem with having an out-of-town office.
Maybe time to fold our hand in New York.
Or we could send a partner there.
Who'd want to get in to that mess? I would.
I can stop the bleeding, get that place running like a top.
Okay, but aren't you getting married in, like, an hour? I assume that's still on.
It is.
Gordon would come too.
He has a business there, and I would come, right back after it's settled there.
Well, I think it's a great idea.
Albert? Oh, well, Delia is our force of nature.
If anyone can help save 360 Park But, is that what you want? You've always said that, uh, New York is only good for 72 hours and an expense account.
Well, one out of two isn't bad.
[laughter.]
And I'm ready for a fresh start.
Well, then I guess it's unanimous.
We'll miss you.
God, it's so weird coming home in the same clothes I went out with.
It's so "Orange Is the New Black.
" Mm-hmm.
And and coming home to the same dishes that were out when I left.
It's okay.
What's this? Happy birthday.
From Rize Bakery, straight to your stomach.
That is so sweet.
I mean, cake first thing in the morning, - that's a little - Maybe later.
Psycho, put the cleaning supplies down, okay? Doctor Toughlove says you need to feed yourself, so take advantage, sister.
Sit your skinny ass down.
Yes, and lucky you, you actually need to eat something.
- Yeah.
- And Scott's cake needs to be eaten.
That sounded so wrong.
[chuckles.]
How is it with Scott after the whole couch incident? Is that gonna be weird? Eh, Scott and I are always kinda cool.
- Yeah? - [phone chimes.]
A good dry hump doesn't have to be all feels, Abs.
Right.
It's like working out together, only less boring.
[both chuckle.]
Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.
- Oh, crap, no.
- What? What? Kat is texting me the jacket copy, but this cannot go in the catalogue.
Look at this Face of Divorce.
I mean, could the photo be any closer up? You T-Zone looks kind of fracked.
Yeah.
Random House can't spring for an airbrush? Kind of fracked.
Yeah.
Give your thumbs a break.
You're supposed to be chilling and eating.
I know.
I'm writing Chilling and eating.
I am writing a quick to-do list, and as soon as these things are done, I am going to take to bed for, like, a week.
It's gonna be like a bed-in.
It's gonna be like John and Yoko, only just Yoko.
Did the words "brain smash" not register with you? Hey, no, Kat is waiting for catalogue copy and photo approval.
I need to get into the fall catalogue, or they will hold my book until spring.
Let them.
Take a freaking break.
I can't, Jo.
I cannot.
Things change.
Trends.
What if divorce goes away and suddenly it's trans-polyamory? I cannot reinvent myself again.
I am so close to being done.
I just need to finish my book this week and and pack up Becca's baby things and tell the kids they're not getting a baby brother, and order a limo for Delia's bachelorette.
Abby, put the phone down.
Hey, you gotta swear that after all of this is done I will decompress.
I will totally decompress.
I promise you.
Or you can send me to Promises.
[chuckles.]
Look.
Look at the top of my to-do list.
- "Un-friend Harris.
" - Oh, no.
Oh, sorry.
The the one after that.
- "Learn to meditate.
" - Right? Come on.
I mean, just go to work.
Have a day, do your thing.
I am gonna be here.
I am gonna be laying the groundwork for rest-o-rama.
Rest-o-rama? Choco Krispie square? Hey.
Hey, you.
Not a pity coffee.
Just thought you might need it after last night.
Ah, thanks.
That's my boss.
Now, how would you like a bonus Cruffin Nookie? Baked yesterday but still oh, so fresh.
Really? How fresh? See for yourself.
Just open the box.
"Nice rack.
" Ooh, wow.
Sorry, that cruffin is fresh.
[chuckles.]
Call me.
I put my telephone number in the box.
You're gonna burn it down You're gonna burn it down Scott, we we should talk about last night.
You know, the thing.
The the thing.
- The thing? - Yeah, the thing.
On the on the couch? Oh, the couch.
Yes, yes.
Yes, the couch was was It was lovely.
It was, uh It was a lovely evening.
Singular? Okay.
Um, so I'm gonna, um I'm going to go with we agree to not repeat.
Yeah, yeah, I mean, it's probably the least complicated choice, right? I mean, why make all this, you know, emotional? You know, why get weird about it? We're good.
- Yeah.
- We're cool.
Yeah.
Yeah, we're cool.
Fantastic.
There's my Jo, huh? There's-a my Josephine Ha ha.
[whistling.]
I-I knew it.
I knew you were that guy.
The whole "let's do it" approach didn't work, so then you pretend to give a shit just based on this pathological need to score.
I-I can't believe I fell for it.
Wait a minute.
You just said hang on.
Listen, I thought that we weren't getting emotional.
Well, then, we should have thought about that before you stuck your funky love cruffin inside of my pastry box.
- Yeah? - You know what my box says? I'll tell you what my box says.
"Go screw yourself.
" Careful! Oh, geez.
Burn it down, burn it down B-b-b-burn it down, b-b-b-burn it down B-b-b-burn Come on, Slow Pokémon.
What's the rush? We're not late.
It's just it's Marianne Gallagher.
If there's one gallery that you want interested in you after your showing, it's hers.
And Marianne is huge in New York.
I know who she is.
And she wasted no time in calling because she's opening here, and she wants raw LA talent.
I mean, that's so exciting.
Aren't you excited? [sighs.]
You're still mad about last night, aren't you? Nah.
You know.
I get things.
JD, I swear nothing happened with Ralf and I.
But I think I was just I was trying to prove that I was worthy or something.
It was your night, and I'm sorry.
And it would make me really happy if we could move on.
I accept your apology.
Okay.
Will you skip with me? - No.
I don't skip.
- JD, stop thinking and skip.
- I don't skip.
- [sighs.]
[upbeat music.]
- Mommy! - My babies.
Oh, my gosh.
Don't kill her, Charlie.
She just got back from the hospital.
[chuckles.]
But she's okay now, right? I'm fine.
I'm fine.
You okay, Mom? What happened? I'm fine, really.
It was just a one-time-only drop in my blood pressure.
- What's blood pressure? - It's nothing scary.
It means I need to get I need to get more rest, and I need to remember to to eat more.
I'm in.
Like, what's this cake? - I want cake.
- That's from Jo.
- It's for my birthday.
- Birthday eating.
Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.
First I want to do a family talk.
Oh, man.
Okay, this is something funny.
Well, not so funny.
It turns out that Becca's baby is not Daddy's after all.
What? Wait, how is that even She was with somebody else around the same time, and it's it's his, not not Jake's.
But she lied to him.
She put her peen in somebody else's veejay.
Um, close.
She didn't lie.
It was a mistake.
That's exactly right.
When did you get so wise? So, you guys, you must be a little disappointed that you're not getting a baby brother, huh? Nah.
Now I'm still the littlest.
Okay.
And what about you, Lilly girl? That means no more pet baby, so - Honest? - Yeah, please.
Do you think Becca will still want me to babysit? And if the baby's not really related to us, do you think it'd be okay if she paid me? I don't know.
Probably.
Um But I wanted to talk about feelings.
You know, this has been This is a big loss for all of us.
We were we were We were about to welcome a new person into our our home.
[chuckles.]
Or into our lives, at least.
Oh, my God, Mom.
They're crushed cookies.
This cake is amazeballs.
Why are you not eating? I am.
I'm about to start eating.
Who's the dad? Did she say? Okay.
Well, I guess we've all moved on.
So, um, I will go pack up the nursery.
Check this off my list.
Next! She didn't eat her cake.
It's unself-aware.
And crude and a breath of fresh air from what I'm used to.
You know, if I see one more portrait of the Brooklyn Bridge through a rainy windshield, I'll be on suicide watch.
Huh.
These are good.
Very LA.
I'm happy.
That's amazing.
So do you want to sign JD? Right now, let's start a conversation.
Put one of JD's pieces in a group show.
If it moves, we'll keep talking.
That would be incredible.
Right, babe? - Yeah, yeah, sure, I guess.
- Yeah.
Maybe we can do a project together if you have new work.
Oh, he will.
He is very prolific.
And what about you? Are you interested in exploring a relationship? I'm sorry.
What do you mean? I am guessing you know people with good taste and empty wall space.
A consultant? That would seriously be a dream.
I'd be honored.
It's not an award, Phoebe.
All the New York galleries are opening West Coast branches.
They're like foreigners looking for directions.
"Hey, hey, hey, which way to the fat wallets?" You opinion on this, not interested.
I-I was sorry.
I know how to judge if someone is real.
I see something in you.
I would love to try you out on my team.
- Thank you.
- Excuse me.
Looks important.
Oh, I need to take this, - but I assume we have an understanding? - Yes.
"Foreigners asking for directions?" Sorry.
Anxiety talking.
Mom, I just wanted to say we're We're sorry for making you mad.
I'm not mad.
You're throwing stuff like when you're mad.
[chiming "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star".]
You're throwing out Lamby? What? No.
Um, no.
This is yours.
No.
[chuckles.]
Mom, if you want to talk to someone, I can talk to you.
Oh, honey, I'm fine.
I'm sorry.
I'm fine.
Actually, I should I should be writing.
This can wait.
Look, take this.
And bring it to the front door.
That would be great.
And I'll be right there.
Okay, go on.
Go on, girl.
[chiming "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star".]
Onward.
JD, you here? I risked a drive-by because I have something really awesome to share.
Your first check.
From everything you sold at the show.
That's a lot of money.
Because you're worth it.
It is too exciting not to celebrate.
[chuckles.]
All right.
What are you doing? I need more canvases.
Marianne wants more work, right? Okay.
Well, can you give it a second? We can toast.
Sure.
To you.
Congratulations.
[glasses clink.]
Both: Mmm.
Maybe Maybe you should take a break.
That's a first.
Think I I'm just tired Yeah? From, researching the new series.
Oh.
Are you still doing nudes? Mm-hmm.
How many times did you research today? That has nothing to do with I never Twice.
Maybe five.
Jesus, JD, do you want to save some for me? You were at work.
I need inspiration.
Or maybe this is your way of dealing with the whole Ralf situation, because what you said to me, at Marianne's gallery, that was mean.
You're angry at me.
Just admit it.
I am not angry.
I'm not like your boy toy.
I can't just perform on your sex schedule.
We were on the same schedule until Ralf happened.
Stop about him.
I don't care about him.
I don't care about him either.
I mean, you do like saying his name a lot.
See? There.
And that makes you feel what? Bored.
That's all.
Wow.
I actually don't believe you.
If every time you're pissed at me, it means you're watching hours of "Mad Ass, Fury Load" instead of trying to communicate, then this is not gonna work.
Uh, what's this? Birthday 'Fredo.
I have to go to Delia's bachelorette party tonight, and I wanted to eat with you guys first.
[phone vibrating.]
I love it.
Sorry, it's my editor.
One second.
Hey, hi.
Got the message about your cover.
What's the small tweak? Uh, I just the the photo is a little intense.
But we have no time for a new photo shoot, your diva-ness.
And that drivel you sent me was less exciting than reading the ingredients in my Snackwells.
Well, that's because the material is in flux Oh, never mind, never mind.
I solved it.
I am going with choice tweets from your Harris flirtage.
Everyone will order from that.
You're welcome.
- Mom, no more work calls.
- Come on.
Uh, Kat you cannot go with those Harris tweets.
He and I are done.
He kinda dumped me.
So? I mean, that's all part of the "sexy" divorcee world.
- Am I right? Wake up.
- Oh, my God.
I know you're just gonna get off this phone call and put those tweets in the catalogue.
Is that really what you think of me? - I-I I'm on Team Abby.
- Fine.
Run that cover of my fossilized face.
But if you put those tweets in the catalogue, I will not show up to a single PR event.
Don't try to hondle a hondler, McCarthy.
Well lump it or leave it, lady.
Okay, fine.
But you better deliver a badass manuscript.
You are high maintenance.
I really don't [dial tone.]
Hello? Ring, ring, ring, I been calling your phone Now my night's wasting away If you think, think, think I'll be waiting alone It's almost go time.
Operation Bridenap.
She'll be out any minute.
Put the masks on.
- Ew.
Is that a goat? - Oh, my God.
It's all they had at the 99-cent Store.
We're gonna look like we're in a Satanic cult.
Sorry.
It was either this or the Minions.
Are you gonna be okay? You can skip the kidnapping.
- No, I feel great.
- You sure? I had fettuccine for dinner.
I had a bagel-y, carby breakfast.
And I am just leaving my worries behind.
[all laughing.]
Legal eagle is exiting the building.
You are taking this way too seriously.
Yes, I am.
Come on.
Come on.
On the other line Why should I answer? - Hey, lady! - [screaming.]
We got a runner! - Delia, stop! It's us! - She can't hear you! Surprise! [all laughing.]
Bachelorette party time! [all screaming.]
You were like, "Ah!" I can't believe you didn't recognize us.
I'm wearing your freaking hand-me-down red Sarah Palin-looking jacket.
You jerks had me believing you weren't gonna do anything.
- But you did.
- Yeah.
- Because you're the best.
- Oh.
- I love you guys.
- Aww.
I'm gonna miss you so much.
"Miss you"? What does that mean? Okay, here it is.
Gordon and I are moving to New York.
- What? - He's got a business there.
Woman, do not tell me you are quitting your job.
Oh, no.
The firm has an office there.
- It's not forever.
- That's amazing.
That's a highly romantic way of getting hitched.
But New York.
You hate New York.
Oh, I never said "hate.
" Okay, maybe you said "loathe.
" Whatever.
I you know, Mazel Tov.
What are we planning for tonight? - Yes, yes.
- Oh, Barbara has hooked us up.
It is XXL time, baby.
High-end, invite only, male strip club.
Oh, yes.
You know I am a strip club virgin.
- Yeah.
- You are long overdue.
Mm-hmm.
Whoo! [techno music.]
Welcome to paradise, ladies.
House rules: no tipping, because it is all included here.
And you can touch, but you cannot "touch," got it? Those are balls.
Yeah, you can't touch the balls.
Ladies, can I get you started with some Ace of Spades, courtesy of Gordon Beech? - Gordon! - Aww, how thoughtful.
That's, like, $300 a bottle.
- I so need this.
- Thank you, Gordon.
Can I make a toast? - To Barbara.
- (all) Aww.
Well, of course.
[laughter.]
So they have dancers here, right? Absolutely.
- Bring it, Mino.
- Gentlemen.
Here it comes.
Look, watch.
- Oh, my God! - Ahh! Oh, my God, a man buffet.
I'm gonna go with the Brazilian.
He has, like, 7,000 beautiful teeth.
- Oh, no.
- Which one's the Brazilian? He is pint-size.
Built for me.
Delia likes them short.
[chuckles.]
I'm Ricky.
At your service.
- Both: Oh.
- Well, what do you do, Ricky? By day, I'm an accountant.
But here, I can do whatever you want.
I'd like to see your spreadsheet.
[laughter.]
- Come with me.
- Oh, hello.
[indistinct conversations.]
- Have fun.
- Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! - All right! - Okay, seriously - Yeah? - What? - She's moving to New York? - It's her choice.
- She said it's temporary.
- Please.
They will be there for as long as Gordon wants.
Wow, Abs, pretty negative spin, and I'm the one saying that.
I don't think Gordon's the enemy.
I think you've had a lot of rough breaks recently, Abs.
It's not about me.
No, I'm trying to tell you that - Can we table this? - Yeah.
Let's not get into our stuff.
- Thank you.
- Look around.
Enjoy the fierce abs, Abs.
Sorry.
I am tabling it.
I am cutting loose.
- Yes, cutting loose, honey.
- Whoo! Behold, ladies, the Red Room, which I like to call "The Bedroom," because sexy never sleeps.
You know what I'm saying? [both laugh.]
Hey, ladies, who's up for some whipped cream shots? - Whippets! - So retro.
Throwback to my high school football field, I have to say.
- Yes.
- There you go.
I don't want to think.
There's no thinking tonight.
No, all the things [laughing.]
I'm not gonna have any house things, any kids things, any baby things, any Tay-be things, any Harris things.
That's a lot of things to not think about, Abs.
You know, we're gonna have fun.
I am a free bird tonight.
JD? What happened? I was this delicate little flower, and I pushed him too hard, whatever.
I'm kind of relieved.
He was sweet but a little bit of a weirdo.
Well, not all of us can date a CNN star five minutes after her husband really becomes her ex-husband.
Did we not just talk about not getting into our shit tonight? - Yes.
- No, no.
Phoebe's right.
Thank you.
I mean, I really was trying to leapfrog.
But Harris can be very confusing.
I mean, he's a sexy TV doctor.
"I'm Harris.
Watch me battle germs with my blinding smile.
" He was like a line drawing of a person.
That's the laughing gas talking.
All right, talk away, 'cause I'm gonna see if there's a line in the Footsy Room.
Oh.
Jo, you don't look like you're having enough fun.
I'm gonna hook you up.
I'm gonna hook a bitch up.
What? - Cowboy! - Yeah? Can I lasso you over here for my friend? Come here.
She loves cowboys.
[laughs.]
- Oh, my God.
- Uh-oh.
- Whoa! - Whoo, yeah! - Yeah.
- [laughs.]
Oh, easy there, Hoss.
[all screaming.]
- Whoo! Amazing! - Amazing.
- [laughing.]
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, my God! - Okay, get off.
Get off.
I asked for a dance, not a face assault.
Okay, you know, Jo, I think that's just part of his cowboy routine, but Let's get some candies for the baby.
Oh, let's get you another drink.
What'd I miss? - It's all about Delia.
- Whoo! Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
We should be doing body shots off these sexy abs.
[all talking at once.]
All: Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! Ugh.
Drakkar Noir.
To Delia.
May you never have to employ your pre-nup.
- [laughter.]
- Oh ho! All: Cheers.
Rescue victim coming through! Clear a path, ladies.
She is burnin' up! [all screaming, whooping.]
Barbara! Aah! [overlapping whooping, screaming.]
Ladies, meet Dr.
Feelgood, the man who can heal your heart.
- Wow - Oh A new, sexy doctor.
That'll make you forget Dr.
Harris.
- Oh, my.
- [women whooping, whistling.]
Oh, she just Wow.
Got a feeling that I'm going under - Uh-oh.
- Okay [both laughing.]
If I quit calling you my lover Move on You watch me bleed till I can't breathe Shaking, falling onto my knees And now that I'm without your kisses Okay, Abby, Abby, hey, hey, hey, come down.
Tripping over myself Oh, no, no, no, no.
- Yeah! - Abby, Abby, come down! Mama like doctor! Ah! Maybe it's cathartic.
Bleed until I can't breathe All right, seriously.
Abby, Abby, Abby.
Come down.
Abby, you are gonna regret this.
Come on, come on.
Was that bad? - Great - That was bad.
Jesus, what are you doing? One minute you're fainting, the next minute you're stripping.
What's going on? Delia, I, um, I'm sad, and I'm tired, and I'm stressed, and I and this isn't about me tonight.
- This is about you.
- Yeah, well, you wouldn't know that from that display.
You're acting nuts, okay? - And you're hijacking my night.
- I'm nuts? - Yeah.
- What about you and Gordon? - That is so nuts.
- Nice, nice.
- Just put your shirt back on.
- No.
I am tired.
I'm sick and tired of playing along with this perfect wedding crap.
This whole thing has just been a crock since you started screwing Albert.
- Do not go there.
- Did you know that? - Un-uh.
- I never asked to be - your secret keeper - Not one word, Abby.
- I'm warning you.
- I have to lie every time I see Gordon now.
- I have to lie - Abby! - Oh wow! - Uh-oh.
- I think it's time to go.
- Are you fighting with me? - Okay.
- Is this a bar fight? Because I've had bar fights.
I'm a bar fighter! - Shut up, Abby.
- I will do that! - Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Time to go, ladies.
Enough, enough! We got it.
We're good, we're good, we're good.
You gotta get out.
Thank you, we'll be out soon.
I trusted you.
I just wanted one night where I didn't have to think about the mess I made, but no, you couldn't let me have that.
I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry that I spoke up at an inconvenient time.
"An inconvenient time"? Yes, upon reflection, very.
But can you please consider that what I'm saying may be true That you would not be having sex with your boss if you were being honest with yourself about Gordon.
You barely know Gordon.
He's a wonderful charming manipulator.
And he is He pulls your strings.
How? By spoiling me? By making me feel loved? Delia, I know Gordon loves you.
I really do.
I know he loves you.
But the price is that he calls all the shots.
Like this whole wedding.
Albert was your cry of independence.
You know, go, run off to a new city, but you're still gonna want your freedom, because that's who you are.
Well, if that's how you feel, you should seriously reconsider being a part of my wedding.
I think we just need - to take a beat here.
- No.
Maybe I would rather be honest than be there.
Mom, hey.
Hey, it's late.
You should be asleep.
I want to hear about the strip club.
- Was it fun? - It was, kinda.
- Did you get dry-humped? - Uh no.
Barbara did.
And Jo.
- Am I being gross? - Yes.
Can you just eat a piece of cake, Mom, like a normal person? Hmm normal person cake eating.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Holy sh ugar.
Scott's a genius.
Or is it just that I haven't had anything this rich in, like A year.
Ish.
Oh, my God.
I love birthday eating.
You know you're a total hypocrite, right? Like, you don't eat what you want for a whole year.
Seriously? I do.
I just eat I just eat healthy.
Oh, my God Are you okay? Yeah, just too much cake on an empty stomach.
Mom? - [vomiting.]
- [liquid splashing.]
[groans.]
Uhh Oh, God.
Oh, I'm fine.
- Mom? - I'm fine, really.
Oh, my God.
Life lesson Don't mix cake and [strained.]
strippers.
[groans.]
Ohh Uhh - [vomiting.]
- [liquid splashing.]
Hey.
What are you doing here? I came here to tell you that I am mad.
Okay.
I was having feelings that made me hurt you.
I'm sorry.
- And you apologized.
- I know.
Just suck at this.
[groans.]
I just don't know how to Mad was not allowed in my house.
And I didn't want to trust you, but then you helped me have real sex, and then that's all I want to do now All of the time Be with you.
And only you.
And Ralf, that really hurt me.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have decided Don't decide.
Y-you're always deciding.
And you push me.
You push me, and y-you make me talk to people, and I'm uncomfortable all the time.
And because of you, everything's different.
I'm doing all these things that aren't me, and I don't know if I want to do them, or I'm just doing them because I want you to stay with me because I love you.
Aw, shit.
Sorry.
Too soon.
I only want to be with you too.
You do? I know it's super-fast, JD, but You are an amazing man.
Maybe not everyone can see it, but I do.
You have this huge heart, and you're such a talent.
And I want you to have everything you deserve, and if I push you too hard or if I get too "decider," I need you to tell me.
Okay? And get mad.
Because it turns out you're really good at it.
[whispers.]
You're also pretty good at this.
[snoring.]
Frumpkis.
What in God's name are you doing in my apartment? These keys They're for emergencies only.
And you look terrible.
[sighs.]
I am terrible.
You smell like a potato still.
I thought I was gonna get the hangover award.
Look, whatever Frump hole you've fallen into, you've gotta go home.
I don't want Zooey waking up and seeing you like this.
She left me.
Wait, what? Charlene.
For that goddamn German tennis pro.
Will you just hold me, Jo? [crying.]
Just hold me.
Thanks for letting me come by.
It's only because Gordon's out of town.
Albert, what's going on? Delia, please don't say anything before you hear me out.
Just give me a chance.
A gavel? You've always said someday you would like to see yourself as a judge.
Well, a spot opened up on the federal bench.
I can get you appointed.
Delia, you are brilliant.
And, yes, you should expand your horizons, but New York is a mistake.
There are so many better opportunities for you here.
I want you to stay.
For me.
I'm not going to expand my horizons.
I'm marrying Gordon.
Forget him.
I can give you anything he can.
You can't buy me.
I'm not one of your flings.
Don't lump yourself in with them.
You're not like anybody else for me.
Ever.
Believe me, I didn't plan this.
I realized it when I lost you.
If you're gonna marry anybody, I want it to be me.
I'm sorry, Albert.
You don't mean what you're saying.
You just don't like to lose.
Don't Don't diminish this.
Albert, be reasonable! Delia, think long game.
You're just gonna end up being one more thing that Gordon owns, and you're gonna get bored.
But you and me we finish each other's sentences.
We're the same species.
I need you to leave my house.
What are you doing? I said go! You think you're telling me that I'm never gonna have this again? Yeah.
That's exactly what I'm telling you.
[water gurgling down drain.]
Let's get you to bed, Mom.
Come on.
Okay.
You really Don't get so close just in case I have a virus.
You don't have a virus, Mom.
You drank and you binged on, like, half a cake.
Anyone would barf.
I would.
You're 15.
How would you even know that? Don't answer that question.
I'm fine, I'm fine.
[groans.]
I'm sorry, Lilly.
You are right.
Going from vegan dog biscuits to cake was dumb and vomity and did not mix well with strip-club champagne.
Or the smell of drugstore cologne.
I'm sorry.
Mommy's just a mess.
I'm just I'm overwhelmed.
I have a lot of work to do on my book.
Don't you always tell me to rest before I do my homework? Your brain works better with sleep.
Yeah, I do tell you that.
So rest.
I can take care of Charlie.
I'm not a kid anymore.
No, I know that, baby.
I know that.
Tomorrow, I'm I'm staying in bed.
Doing nothing at all.
Until my brain gets back online.
- You promise? - I promise, promise.
Oh, my God.
Happy birthday, Mama.
Thank you, baby.
[soft instrumentals.]
You want cereal, Charlie? - Mommy! - Good morning, sweet peas! Mom, I thought you were gonna stay in bed.
I can take Charlie.
I know.
I just feel so much better.
I'm sorry you had to see me like that last night.
You know, sometimes you just have to hit rock bottom before you bounce back up.
And we will be speaking in refrigerator magnet speak for the rest of the day, by the way.
And the nursery's all packed up? Uh-huh.
I got up early, got it all done.
Boom.
Just like that! Okay, don't eat that.
I already scooted off to the bagel store this morning, and I got us some warm and fresh and carby breakfast for all.
Hey, thank you so much for last night.
Really.
I-I shouldn't have put all that on you.
I was wallowing a little bit - [phone vibrating.]
- but I'm totally on it now.
Um, sorry.
Just one second.
Work call.
Kat, hi.
Yes.
Yes, I'm sorry for the 'tude.
Um, but I am full steam ahead on our delivery date, and I even canceled plans to go to a wedding next weekend, so I'm all about work, getting it done.
Okay, great.
Later.
You're not going to Delia's wedding? I know, but I am taking care of me by taking work off my plate while your Dad is gone.
Okay, backpacks ready.
You take that.
You take that.
Troops moving out, moving out.
Let's do it.
All right.
- All right.
- You got it - Go, go, go, go, go.
- Oh, no, no Don't hide it - No, no - Carpe Diem.
You got it - Carpe Diem.
- All over