Grace and Frankie (2015) s02e11 Episode Script

1 If you're a ghost, I'm a friend.
- What if I'm Babe? - Oh, Babe! - Ah! - Oh, my God.
- I didn't know you were back.
- I'm back.
And look! I've got a new wagon.
- What's in it? - Just a little spring cleaning.
I saw your fire ceremony from my bedroom window and I wanted to get in on it.
Oh, Babe, I was cleansing myself of an ugly corporate chapter of my life.
Aww.
But I don't want to talk about me.
I want to talk about you.
I want to hear all about your travels.
Same old, same old.
The Great Wall, the Berlin Wall, the Wailing Wall.
The whole world is just a bunch of walls.
Now, come on, catch me up.
Let's see.
Robert and Sol told us they were lovers, so I moved in here with Grace.
Sol and Robert got married, now they're getting divorced because Sol was unfaithful with a woman who turned out to be me.
And I almost made nine million dollars.
You and Grace are living together? I wasn't really expecting today to go like this.
But I'm so glad it did.
Me, too.
So how do we do this exactly? I think we've reached that point in the evening where you ask me if I'd like to come in.
- Do you want to come in? - I do.
But I don't want you to think I'm easy.
Believe me, I know you're not easy.
Ah! What's so funny? Oh, I'm just trying to picture you two down here hanging over waffles in the morning.
- It's been a process.
- Oh, I thought you hated Grace.
Hate's such a strong word.
It's the word you used when you said things like, "I hate Grace.
" Thank God I could vent about her on our walks.
You know, she vented about you, too, sunshine.
- When? - On my walks I took with her right after the walks I took with you.
- You did a lot of walking.
- I did.
- My ass looked good then.
- Your ass looks good now.
So, how's Grace been managing with all this drama? Like a champ.
With my help, of course.
And you know, like, how she was always a skinny, emotionally shut down drill sergeant? Now she's a skinny, not so emotionally shut down drill sergeant.
Where is she? I want to give her a squeeze.
Upstairs sleeping.
She's going through a lot of rough stuff right now.
I'm sure she'll tell you, but it's very private, so it's not for me to say.
She reconnected with this guy that she'd been in love with for years and it didn't work out.
He has a sick wife.
I'm sure she'll tell you.
If only her neighbor were throwing a party, maybe that'd cheer her up.
- A Babe party? - The Babe party.
It's gonna be the party to end all parties.
I don't know how it could beat the last one.
It went on for 24 hours.
Are you gonna have that little monkey that picks pockets? Oh, no.
I'm done with her owner.
He doesn't think Patton Oswalt's funny.
Fuck that noise.
Turns out you are easy.
God, I've missed you.
I had some moments of missing you, too.
But I played it pretty close to the vest.
Feels good holding you again.
I thought you were holding me so I didn't drop to the floor.
Sorry the bed's so small.
Don't be.
It was the best night's sleep I've had in weeks.
Me, too.
This place is way worse in the daylight.
Fortunately, it never gets brighter than this.
Why would you move in here in the first place? I don't know.
I guess after what I did to you it's what I thought I deserved.
I will never again doubt how bad you felt.
And I'm sorry.
Oh, good morning.
Try again.
Bad morning? Can I get you something? A larger sphere of personal space.
It's the one thing I'm out of.
Then, no.
OK, here's what we need to do.
We're gonna start Frankie Bergstein's three-step emotional healing system, - patent pending.
- No.
Step one: talk about it.
You need to purge.
- It's essential for closure.
- No.
And I've got watermelon.
It's everyone's favorite low-calorie food.
Basically celery in a Lilly Pulitzer dress.
Can we move on to step two so I can say no to that? Step two: art therapy.
- No.
- I soaked you an extra lump of clay.
I just want to get into my bed and watch that show where terrible people buy tiny houses.
All right.
But I want you to know I'm proud of you.
I know it was hard to say no to Phil but it's so much better that you stopped it before it started.
Yeah, well No, I'm not gonna let you put a negative spin on this.
You are my shero.
- Please don't tell me why.
- I'll tell you why.
You were strong when you made a clean break.
You weren't weak like I was when I slept with Sol.
Why are you defiling my watermelon? Because they don't sell them like this.
Isn't it a little early for that watermelon to be drunk? I'm talking about you, Grace.
You're the watermelon.
I'm not having it now.
It has to marinate.
I'm cooking.
You know, you should share that with Babe.
She's back.
She is? Oh, God, I'd love to see her, but not right now.
The boys are coming today to meet Jacob.
You want to join us for crafts? You talking to me or the watermelon? 'Cause the watermelon's not coming.
I'm the watermelon.
You want me to cancel so I can be with you? Oh, please don't feel hurt, but I I need some alone time.
Yes, alone time is all part of the process.
You can vlog.
You can write your feelings in the sand.
You can jump in the pool and do some underwater yelling.
I think I'm just gonna take myself for a walk on the beach.
Mmm.
Best martini in town.
Another.
If you think I'm gonna ask you why you're drinking at 11 in the morning, you've come to the wrong bartender.
That's exactly why I'm here.
No talking, just drinking.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Are we really braiding garlic? I think it's Mom's idea of a group bonding activity.
Hm.
Are you really packing a Dry Lady Dry? Mom asked me to pick it up.
Man, I cannot believe she is back on deodorant.
Well, maybe she's just trying to get ahead of the garlic.
Frankie B! Up or down? Down or up? - What? - My hair.
Oh, down.
Oh, God, I've got I better go fix it.
Oh, you know my - What about my dress? - Is it like too Is it I'm trying Am I trying too I mean, my hands are so sweaty.
I hope you like him.
I think you will.
I know he's gonna like you.
He's really a great I'm I I'm pretty sure you'll like him, too.
I Oh, God, I'm so nervous.
You can't tell, can you? Really? - Not at all.
- Whoa.
Our mom is using store-bought deodorant for a man that isn't our dad.
- Or Art Garfunkel.
- She is leaning in, man.
Yeah.
Do you think this guy's the real deal? Well, she seems pretty sure about him.
And she deserves to have somebody.
Maybe he's that someone.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Or maybe he's that someone that blows in with all the sizzle and jazz of a master garlic braider, only he's braiding someone else's garlic on the side.
- That would suck.
- Not on my watch.
I'm really nervous now too.
Well, hey-hey.
Here he is.
Hey, guys.
Great to finally meet you.
Your mom talks about you two all the time.
I got a few more boxes in the car.
We will give you a hand.
Bud - I love him.
- You just met him.
No, no, I can tell.
He's solid, man.
- I got great instincts.
- You have terrible instincts.
- That's what you're known for.
- No Suck on that, bitches.
I think she's hustling us.
- Yeah.
- You're next, Abandoned Husband.
OK.
I hope you're not as bad as Workers' Comp.
You think he'd be better with all that free time on his hands.
Hey.
Hey, you.
Excuse me.
How much do you have to drink to not feel anything? If you're still asking you're not even close.
Hello? OK, maybe you should slow down.
It's 12:15.
But I'm having a good time with my friends.
Workers' Comp, Been-Here-Since-Last-Night, - and - Abandoned Husband.
Yeah.
I love these guys.
Hey, let's start a darsleague.
Darts league.
A round for my darts league.
We need a name.
"Who Darted"? - Did you get it? - Yeah.
Hey, that's some pretty stellar braiding you got going on.
Oh, thanks.
Bud, look at you.
- Yeah.
- Super first attempt.
Thanks, but I've actually done it before.
Hey, man.
Every braid is unique.
I think it was Thoreau who said, "I was not designed to be forced.
I will breathe after my own fashion.
" - Whoa.
- Even your depths have depth.
- So good.
- I have no idea what you just said.
So what can you tell us about yourself, Jacob? Well, I was born in a pretty small town in upstate New York Mom said you were married.
What happened there? - When and how did things go south? - Bud.
Oh, it's OK.
I don't mind.
My ex-wife wanted out of the marriage, but, um, it was the right thing to do for both of us.
- Was it amicable? - Oh, yeah.
We're good.
She's remarried, but we still do holidays together.
On too-good-to-be-true-island? I think it's super cool that you have a farm.
Yes.
How are your yields? Do you do OK for yourself? I'm comfortable.
Well, that is a relief because, uh, Mom's not as wealthy as this beach house might lead a person to believe.
How was the shower? The shower is worse than the bed.
And I would use the word "shower" loosely.
It's more of a random drip.
I had to run around to get fully wet.
Sorry.
And don't use the hair dryer.
It's downright dangerous.
Unless you need to light the stove.
Sit down.
Breakfast is served.
Doesn't this look lovely.
Special K or Corn Chex? Offering a selection, are we? But of course.
Merci.
Special moment.
Special K.
We only have one spoon.
I'll use the fork.
You don't mind? It actually achieves the perfect milk-to-cereal ratio I've been searching for my entire life.
Bon appétit.
Right on time.
- Every day? - Every day I've been here.
Sir? If I may? We gotta get out of here.
And quickly too.
Let's go home.
Boom.
What else you got? Concerns about your drinking? Well, then you're in the wrong line of work, sissy.
Hey for this next one, surprise me.
OK, I have the perfect thing.
What's in there? It is a water and water with a water back.
- I'm not thirsty, I just want a drink.
- You need to take a breather.
- No, you're too drunk! - I'm cutting you off.
Oh, yeah? Well, we'll just see about that.
Somebody, give me a boost.
- Ah - I knew it'd be you.
Now you have to serve me.
It's the law.
Ah Hey! Hey! That is it.
You guys, that is it.
Get off! Hey, off! Go.
I am taking you home.
Where are your keys and where is your car? - At home.
- OK, fine.
I'm gonna put you in a cab.
No, I'm putting you in a cab.
I'm putting all of you in a cab! Why are you going all Leaving Las Vegas on me right now? I mean seriously, what is wrong with you today? I thought you were the bartender who doesn't ask questions? Usually, yeah.
That guy you just kissed? Abandoned Husband? His name is Pete.
And Been-Here-Since-Last-Night? That is his wife.
You mean Abandoned Husband is just Husband? Oh, God, they're all over the place.
Let's leave before you do something else you'll regret.
No, I don't want to go home.
They talk too much about feelings there.
I hate it.
OK, you're going home.
Come on.
And you know what else? I lied.
You don't make the best martinis in town.
Cheesecake Factory does.
Are you a fan of whimsy? Answer carefully.
Hey! Hey! Cashmere.
Cashmere.
Are you interrogating my boyfriend? No.
I'm just asking a series of pointed questions in order to get the truth.
That's different.
You are supposed to build bridges with garlic and words.
Or find out if he has a secret love child with Cher.
You have asked him that five different times in five different ways and his answer every time is "no.
" That's not true.
The last time his answer was, "Why do you keep asking me that?" What is this about? Do you not like Jacob? - He seems perfectly nice.
- He is.
Until he's not.
Dad's the nicest guy in the world and he broke your heart.
- I mean, what's this guy gonna do? - I don't know.
Yeah.
That answer terrifies me.
I just I can't let you get hurt again.
Well, I may be hurt again, because sometimes that's what happens in a relationship.
And it's not your job to protect me from that.
- I feel like it is.
- I'm telling you it isn't.
I just want to make sure that somebody's looking out for you.
Oh, sweetheart.
Why don't you chill the eff out and give Jacob a chance? No, wait, wait, wait.
Wait a minute, wait.
You worked on the Hubble telescope? I worked on a team that worked for a team that worked on the Hubble telescope.
He's being modest.
- He has a letter from the president.
- No way.
Once I was held back from riding an elevator because the first lady was riding in it.
Do you have stories? Or is it Is it top secret? I get it.
I get it.
You'll tell me later.
I can fix it.
Grace? I like one-third cake, one-third berries and two-thirds cream.
That's four-thirds.
I guess it is.
Here she comes.
Ooh.
- Are you drunk? - Oh, I hope so.
I drank enough.
Oh Oh, that is so good.
Why don't I eat cake more? Oh.
How about some coffee? Nah, it keeps me up.
Mmm.
- Oh, how are you, Jacob? - Can't complain.
Oh, you guys, you make a great couple.
You're gonna make beautiful babies one day.
Oh, I think that ship has sailed.
Oh, right.
Because you're afraid of sex in the vagina.
- OK.
Party's over.
- No.
Why? You're always telling me to eat and I'm eating.
This is how I do it.
Bud told me he was done.
- Bud did not say that.
- Grace, what are my eyes saying? Oh, probably more of your hippie bullshit.
- That was harsh.
- OK.
I think somebody's ready for bed.
No! No, I'm ready to purge.
Isn't that what we do here? We purge our feelings.
That along with a bunch of other stuff.
Come on.
Beddy-bye.
This is not the time or the place to purge our feelings.
- Come on, you goonch.
- Passive resistance.
- No, use your feet.
- Is that what gets you off? You're being mean to me.
Because I just realized how much better off I was without you.
How can you say that to me? - Because you're a bully.
- How am I a bully? You bullied me into Phil.
You bully me into feelings.
I don't want to feel! Then don't.
I don't care.
You liar.
You do care.
Because if your "Better Grace" project doesn't work out, I'm just like everything else you do.
A total failure! And we're done.
Come on.
Oh! I'm not done! I'm still eating.
Give me some cake.
- Take it to go.
- I love him.
- Where do you want her? - How about the middle of the ocean? No, no, no.
She's She's just kidding.
Hey, she was just kidding.
She was just kidding.
You OK? Oh, yeah.
Mm.
That looks good, love.
Thank you for making dinner.
Thank you for going "Mm" when you know it's cashew-cheese lasagna.
What? Nothing, it's just All I can see is you hunched over there after the heart attack.
And I haven't been able to sit there since the night you told me about Frankie.
Maybe we should eat in the dining room? Where Grace and I told our daughters I was leaving her? - That was a fun brunch.
- Right.
How about the sun room? Where Stan Singer almost caught us kissing New Year's Eve, 1999? Why did we risk kissing that night, anyway? It was Y2K.
We thought the world was ending.
Ahh I suppose we could eat on the stairs.
Where you almost bludgeoned me with a toilet plunger? It's this whole house, isn't it? But it's your house.
But it's never been ours.
I was happier this morning with you in that dump.
- You want to go back? - No, no.
But I think we should call a realtor in the morning.
Wow.
That's an exciting idea.
But where do we actually eat tonight's dinner? - At a restaurant.
- Mm! OK.
Frankie? Frankie? "I threw away your alcohol.
You're welcome.
And don't worry, I recycled the bottles.
" Oh, fuck.
Oh I can't believe how mad I am that Grace made me so mad.
I mean, she was so drunk, I don't even know why I was listening, although sometimes that's when the things you really mean come out.
When you're not thinking.
That's the whole theory behind improv.
I'm gonna have a hell of a walk with her tomorrow.
Oh, please don't.
She's too mean to deserve a walk with you.
I hate to change the subject but, critical juncture: Racing car or snail in a top hat? What about cross-eyed bear? I feel bad for him.
Marty Feldman, you're coming to the party.
He's so cute.
Almost makes you think twice about beating him to a pulp, which I am going to do.
Beep, beep! Beep, beep! Beep, beep! Fuck.
Oh.
Come on.
I'm sorry, ma'am, it looks like we're all out of that size.
- We have other brands.
- No.
Just give me the size you do have.
We have these fun little baby sized ones.
I mean, not baby as in a baby, but Great.
How many of these equal a regular bottle? Like, probably a hundred.
We've got masks, we got pilgrim hats, we got a great deal on 2013 sunglasses.
We just need that kid to come back with the helium.
Now I appreciate you letting me put whatever I want into the cart, but I'm a little confused as to theme.
I have a theory, dare I say wish? Hit me.
A sweet sixteen party for your breast reduction.
Close.
- A bon voyage party.
- For you? Pour moi.
I don't know French.
Well, if you want a tarot card reading from Jean-Pierre, I suggest you learn.
Are you really going away again? You just got back.
I'm still basking in the glow of your joie de vivre.
I do know French.
Where are you going this time? Can I tag along? I'm sorry, honey, you can't come.
Please? I'm really fun to be with, and I really need a vacation from Grace.
- I'm sure you do, but this isn't it.
- Why? Because I'm going to the one place you don't come back from.
A Carnival cruise? No, sunshine.
That's not where I'm going.
Ma'am? Would you like me to ring this up for you? - Yes, please.
- OK.
Bye-bye, Babe.
The party to end all parties.
My God.
And I need you to help me.
Oh, come on! Hello? Hey, Frankie.
It's Grace.
I need you to come pick me up.
Find your own way home.
Oh, wait.
I have coupons.