Great News (2017) s02e11 Episode Script
Competing Offer
1 Well, it's Broadway Week here at "Morning Wined up.
" Now, Kelly, you had a short-lived theater career.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, - Tell us.
but I cannot sing like I used to, not ever since I got shot through the neck with that arrow.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- [LAUGHING.]
- She did! - Hi, Mom.
Hey, pumpkin.
Listen, I've been thinking about you and Greg.
And I think maybe the best thing to do - is give him some space.
- Mom, just because I like Greg doesn't mean I'm gonna jump his bones and make him cheat on his girlfriend.
- Then what are they doing here? - Whoa! Okay Well, that was obviously self-conscious.
You know Bebop and Rocksteady have a mind of their own.
I'm just saying, being the other woman is the worst way to start a relationship.
That's why everybody still hates Camilla, even though she's perfect for Charles, because they are both so boring.
No one is starting a relationship, okay? Greg doesn't even think about me that way.
Oh, don't look, Greg.
Carol, promise me you will never tell anyone about this night.
I don't know a secret! Oh, that's a great song from the '70s.
Do you know that one? It's by Carol and the Liars? - No - Oh.
Okay, look, obviously, I'm gonna put on a sweatshirt.
But there is about as much of a chance of something happening with me and Greg - as there is with you and Dad.
- All right, that's a relief.
[UPBEAT NEWS BROADCAST MUSIC.]
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey, Greg, what are you thinking budget-wise for my intern anniversary party? Please say 10 grand.
Because I just called Adam Levine's manager, and long story short he's coming.
Carol, interns don't get anniversary parties because interns aren't actually supposed to work here for more than a semester.
Oh! I guess I'm just that good! Oh, by the way, I broke the thermostat again really broke it.
The guy said it'd be cheaper to tear the building down at this point.
Look, being here for a year is not actually a good thing.
Most other interns would have moved on - to paying jobs by now.
- Oh, man! Adam Levine's gonna think I'm a loser! Who broke this? [WHINING.]
Oh, my God, it's so hot! Oh, yeah.
That's why I'm eating ice cream for breakfast.
- You want some? - Uchh, no.
Not with my IBS.
The last time I tried dairy, I had to do a conference call from the toilet and tell them there was a thunderstorm outside.
I'm offended you feel so comfortable telling me that.
- I'm a handsome man.
- No, I know.
Good morning, everyone.
I'm afraid I have some not-so-great news.
It seems a lawsuit has been filed against "The Breakdown.
" - BOTH: What? - Is the FCC mad because I said the f-word on air? I'm sorry, but the Venezuelan elections were effin' lit! No.
Smug Meadow Farms is suing us over that story we did about them.
They're saying it was inaccurate.
And, Chuck, you specifically have been named.
Eh, get in line.
I've been sued dozens of times.
That's why I have my lawyer on speed-dial.
Penis Hospital.
This is Janine.
Uh Look, the point is this isn't a big deal.
This is a very big deal.
- [OVERLAPPING GASPS.]
- Oh, Diana - I didn't know this TV had video conferencing.
- It doesn't.
that allows the user to tap into any electronic device, and that is how I am able to appear - [COMPUTER CHIMES.]
- Here - [BEEP BEEP.]
- or here - [CHIMING.]
- or here.
Katie, I'm in your texts.
You shouldn't feel like you have to reply to every ad bot.
- [SOFTLY.]
Okay.
- The reason I am here is that we are on the edge of a crisis.
This lawsuit has the potential to destroy the network! [DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING.]
Whoa! You can control the lights? That wasn't me.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
Sorry.
Itch.
This is no ordinary lawsuit.
Smug Meadow Farms is owned by Fenton Pelt.
Wait Fenton Pelt? Isn't he that crazy tech billionaire - who's obsessed with staying young forever? - Yes.
He bought the United States men's gymnastics team to use as an organ farm.
He has unlimited money and resources and could sue this show out of existence - if he wanted to.
- So we could lose our jobs.
I have kids.
They're gonna laugh at me until I cry.
And I need health insurance.
I have a high-risk pregnancy because I plan to give birth in the eye of a hurricane.
Hey, look! He's a Nebraska man.
Like me.
I'll just go and talk to him, husker to husker.
Absolutely do not do that.
Greg and Katie produced the piece.
You two need to review every scrap of evidence and make sure your story is airtight.
I don't care how long it takes.
Just lock yourselves in a room and do it.
Do it all night if you have to.
Do it, already! - Okay, well that sounds fine.
We're both professional coworkers, so [ZIP.]
Be cool, you two! [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey, Greg, - you got a minute? - Not really.
Katie and I have to double-check our Smug Meadow Farms story.
It's gonna take all night to get through these documents.
Oh, no, wait You two are gonna be together in the office, alone, all night long? I don't think that's a good idea.
Why not? Nothing is gonna happen.
I'm in a committed relationship with Cat, and we're very happy.
Why would I say it like that? - We're very happy! - Yikes.
Katie and I are just colleagues, nothing more.
I'm very sure she feels the same way.
I'm obviously madly, hopelessly in love with Greg.
I don't know nothin', man! Another smash hit from Carol and the Liars from their EP, "I'm basically Trying to Get Caught at This Point.
" - Did you need something? - Yes.
Okay, Greg, I thought about what you said, and you are right.
I should have a paying job by now.
Which is why I've written a number on this paper.
This is my final offer.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
This is a list of generic Beano brands? Oh, no, wrong paper.
Ooh.
Look, Carol, now is not the time for me to be asking my superiors for more cash.
But here's a little word of advice.
Next time you're negotiating with somebody, come to the table with some leverage.
For example, a competing offer.
Okay, I have that.
Father Kevin said that I could run the church raffle as long as one of the prizes wasn't a burlesque show starring me.
No, Carol.
A real competing offer.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
Fenton, thanks for taking a meeting with me.
I was waiting for your call.
I can't believe you still use a phone and not a Bluetooth implanted in your brain.
- [RINGING.]
- I'll call you back! [BEEP.]
Please have a seat.
You know you and I have a lot in common.
We're both Nebraskans, men of means who enjoy a good midday martini.
That's not a martini.
Those are stem cells.
[HACKS, COUGHS.]
I'm just saying we understand each other.
What do you say we forget this silly lawsuit, have a steak dinner, hit the strip club, touch knees by mistake, and leave? You don't remember me, do you? Of course I do.
You're the guy I was just talking to Felton something? In 1977, I won a teen science fair.
You interviewed me.
[INHALES.]
And it was the worst day of my life.
[CYMBALS.]
The real story here is that this kid genius is no kid at all.
I did some digging and discovered that Fenton Pelt is really a 29-year-old sicko who's been lying about his age to win science competitions for children.
Kid genius? More like - [RIP.]
- Aah! Adult loser.
Back to you, Gloria.
That was my first big scoop as a young reporter.
I ate ham salad off of Gloria's bare breasts that night.
[LAUGHING.]
It was the '70s! You humiliated me on television! Well, what was I supposed to do, not report the bigger story? People deserved to know the truth.
But it wasn't the truth.
I was 15 in 1977, and I'll be 30 next week! I don't think that math checks out.
I don't get math.
I went to school in the 2000s and we were taught Common Core! I have spent years biding my time, Chuck, amassing my fortune, and now that I have you in my cross-hairs, I just want one thing.
A night with my wife.
Well, too bad, because she divorced me.
- I kept losing her in low stakes poker games.
- No.
I want you to admit to me that you lied about my age.
- That's it? - That's it.
Just say you lied, and this whole lawsuit goes away.
[EXHALES.]
Oh I see.
Well, in that case "Go to hell, Fenton!" I said, and then I tossed that martini down my gullet because I'd forgotten it was stem cells and I strode out! My back feels great! Wait, so all he wanted you to do is say you lied? "All"? He was asking me to sacrifice my integrity.
Without that, what have I got? Money? Fame? A voice rich like Burgundy wine? The fingers of a pianist? - A child's imagination? - Wait a minute.
So you're just gonna hang us out to dry? If you don't give him what he wants, - we could all lose our jobs.
- Maybe I can hire you guys.
How many of you are gardeners? - None of us are gardeners.
- I'm willing to learn.
Well, I'm sorry, but I for one will not roll over to Fenton's demands.
We have got to fight.
What would Jesus do if he were under attack? He'd kill the guy with his trident! He's a billionaire.
How are we supposed to fight back? [SNAPS.]
With proof.
When Chuck Pierce reports a story, he backs it up with hard evidence.
I have a copy of Fenton's birth certificate.
I remember because I had to seduce his mother to get it.
Now, why isn't he more mad about that? Okay, so just show him the proof and make him leave us alone.
Unfortunately, my ex-wife has the birth certificate.
It's in a storage locker that she got in our divorce.
It seems that we have only one option.
- ALL: A heist? - A heist! - ALL: No.
- Yeah! [BACKGROUND CHATTER.]
- Well, that was a fun show! - Yeah! You know who was hot? BOTH: That cop who pumped my stomach! [ROLLING TONGUE.]
Blllll! - You have the right to remain horny! - [BOTH LAUGHING.]
- [ALARM RINGS.]
- Oh! Oh Hello, ladies.
My name is Carol Wendelson.
I'm an intern at "The Breakdown," but I'm looking to take my next step.
Are there any openings at "Morning Wined Up"? - Ohh - I may be a little long in the tooth to be chasing my dreams, but Kelly, I know from your autobiography that you didn't get your start in television until you were 40! - Yes! - And Mary-Kelly, I know from your autobiography - that you had sex with Wee Man.
- I love that you read my book! I mean, that is the first line, - but I trust you finished it? - Mm-hmm.
You are so cute! - Oh - I bet we could find you a job - as a PA or something.
- Well, why not? Really? Thank you so much! I'll be in touch as soon as I tell my boss Greg about your offer.
[KEYBOARD KEYS CLACKING.]
It's getting pretty late.
Should we order dinner? Uh, not like dinner like wine and oysters.
I meant like some brown, - gross crap or something? - No, no, I love gross food.
That's why they call me Gross-Out Greg.
[LAUGHS.]
You know about that? Wait What? They actually call me that? You know what? Let's just keep working.
[QUIETLY.]
Oh, my God.
Katie, it's like a million degrees in here.
- Why are you still wearing that sweatshirt? - Because I have to! - [WHISPERS.]
They're in there.
- What? You're not making any sense.
You have heat stroke.
Okay, fine.
I'll take it off.
[JAZZY TROMBONE.]
Okay, right! Let's focus up in here.
Papers.
Yes.
Cup is full.
Scissors are chomping.
Work station check complete.
Let's finish this.
Get it together, Wendelson! [GROANS.]
Katie! Big news! I just made a major power play in the elevator and Wait.
Come here.
- Did you almost have sex with Greg? - No! - But it's getting really difficult.
- What did I tell you, Katie? Your relationship will be doomed if it starts like this.
- You don't wanna be the other woman.
- No! I don't! I don't wanna go back in there, Mom.
Greg's butt's like two dinner rolls from Red Robin! Come here, baby, come here.
Wait! Mommy has a plan.
I know the place where sex goes to die.
Don't mind Angie.
She's recovering from vaginal mesh surgery.
Surgeries.
One wasn't enough.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
[MURMURS.]
Sorry I brought us to my mom's house, but it's so much cooler here than it is at the office.
No, no, I love it.
No distractions.
Wholesome décor.
Imprints of your parents' butts on the couch.
It really puts you in the mood to work.
Yeah.
And have you seen all the photos of me at various awkward stages of my life? For example, this one? Oh, good lord.
Yeah.
We're gonna be done in no time.
Here we are! Coffee! Hey, Greg, when you have a second, I do need to talk business with you.
I got a very interesting competing offer today from "Morning Wined Up.
" - Oh, my gosh! Mom, that's great! - Yeah.
And I'm definitely gonna take it if Greg doesn't offer me a paying job.
No, Carol, I still can't hire anyone until this lawsuit is resolved.
And even then, I can't promise anything.
If it's a good opportunity, maybe you should take it.
But I don't want a paying job at another show.
I want one at "The Breakdown" so I can be near you and Gross-Out Greg Mom, don't stay just because of me.
Even if we don't work together, - we'll still see each other.
- Yeah.
Well, I guess I'll go to bed.
As long as you two kids are gonna be okay.
Keep it down, you three.
I am trying to watch "My 600-Pound Arm.
" We're gonna be just fine.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Okay, gang.
Here's the plan.
Gene has procured a blueprint of the sewer system beneath the storage facility.
My cousin works in the City Planning Office.
That's right.
Without Gene here, I wouldn't have been interrupted.
Wayne, you'll pose as a plumber.
You'll locate and open the water main, causing a flood in the facility's only restroom.
Then Justin and I will arrive disguised as plumbers.
Justin will fake a heart attack, distracting the guards, while I head off and look for Darlene's storage unit.
Meanwhile, Beth, posing as a plumber, will cut the power, unlocking all of the units.
Shouldn't I be an electrician? What electrician would cut power, Beth? They love power! Next time, think! After I have Fenton Pelt's birth certificate, Gene and Portia will arrive in the news van disguised as plumbers who took the wrong van.
Chuck, you may be over-thinking this.
Also, are we going to be reimbursed for the coveralls? [LAUGHING.]
If this mission goes right, we'll never have to worry about money again.
How so? While the guards help Gene and Portia look for their plumber van, Justin and I will make our escape.
[CHUCKLES.]
In and out, boys.
[SUSPENSEFUL SPY MUSIC.]
In and out.
[FUNKY JAZZ.]
- [ALARM BLARING.]
- I'm stuck! Plan's off! Hey, I'm sorry about all of the distractions tonight.
Well, despite it all, we did it.
- Our story is airtight.
- Mm-hmm.
- Good job, partner.
- [GIGGLES.]
- Don't be nice to me right now.
- I'm not being nice to you.
- Oh, my God, it's happening.
- What? Not like this.
No! I have to stop it! [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Katie, don't you have IBS? Why does everybody know that about me? - You're gonna wanna get outta here, Greg.
- [GROWLING.]
- [WHISPERS.]
What is happening? - Get out! You bastards! Of course you'd save yourselves! - [ALARM BLARING.]
- Who's there? I'm a registered security professional with Jason Security Systems.
Jason Security Systems? - [GROANS.]
- Chuck! - You came back! - We never left.
We didn't know you weren't in the van.
[CLICK.]
You you saved me.
No fair! I'm too fat to run! I still can't believe what you guys did for me back there.
You saved me, and you could have just saved yourselves.
You'd have to be a real jerk to leave your friend stuck on a fence.
Or a real Chuck Pierce.
I screwed you over, and I could easily have gotten you out of that lawsuit.
- Hello.
- Why did you do that? Look I'm going to make this right.
Have you guys ever been to Sky Zone? It's a trampoline park, but they've got a pretty decent arcade too.
Or you can just tell Fenton Pelt that you lied.
Yes, obviously, I'm gonna do that too.
- [OVERLAPPING COMMENTS.]
- Thanks.
Aah! [GROANS.]
- Katie - No! Why are you still here? Please - I can't just leave you like this.
- You have to.
It's coming up.
Nope, it's going down.
Hold on, it's thinking.
[BELCHES.]
Yep, it's definitely coming up.
- Right.
- [HEROIC MUSIC.]
[VOMITS.]
[GAGS.]
Okay.
You're okay.
[PANTING.]
I'm so sorry.
- Do you want me to hold your hair back? - Mm-hmm.
[VOMITS.]
- All right.
- [VOMITING, COUGHING.]
Ooh! Whoa.
Did you French braid it? I have sisters.
I can't believe you're still here, Greg.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
Oh, God, I was wrong.
This is the worst way to start a relationship.
[RETCHING.]
- Oh! - Ooh [SOFT MUSIC.]
Oh, hello, Chuck.
I'm just finishing an email that I will have sent 100 years ago.
Please, have a seat.
All right, Fenton.
You win.
I'm here to give you what you want.
[INHALES.]
Back in 1977, I lied on the air.
- You are not old.
You are young.
- Thank you, Chuck.
I know that couldn't have been easy for you.
It wasn't.
But it was worth it to make this lawsuit go away.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I lied too.
The lawsuit is still on.
Wait What? But I did what you wanted.
- I said I lied.
- Exactly.
And I recorded your confession on my Google contact lens.
- [BEEPING.]
- Oh oh oh! Back in 1977, I lied on the air.
Your confession will help me establish a pattern with slander and deceit in my lawsuit against MMN.
- Why are you doing this? - Because 40 years ago, you ruined my life, and I'm not gonna stop until I ruin yours.
Face it you're done, old man.
- We are the same age! - [SCREAMING.]
No, we are not! Chuck, I told you his was a delicate situation.
So you provoked the man suing us, tried to rob a storage unit, and then allowed yourself to be recorded saying you're a liar.
Well, if you would let me tell the story, I would try to blame Gene.
And I'd let him, for the attention.
Okay, his lawsuit is baseless.
Greg and I double-checked our story it's airtight.
It may not matter.
This man is clearly willing to stop at nothing to take us down.
I'm sorry, Chuck, but you're a liability.
I'm taking you off the air before this gets any worse.
- I'm suspended? - Indefinitely.
Ah! So not definitely.
- Definitely suspended.
- [LIGHT MUSIC.]
I'm off the air.
Now I have no one to say good night to.
This helping? [LIGHT MUSIC CONTINUES.]
So last night was crazy.
But not bad crazy, good crazy.
Like a mattress salesman slashing prices, - not caring about his own bottom line.
- Listen, I have to apologize.
I shouldn't have let that happen.
Oh, y - Really? - I have a girlfriend, and that's complicated.
And I just need a little time to figure it out.
Besides, it would be the worst possible way to start a relationship, wouldn't it? It's why everyone still hates Camilla and Charles, even though they're perfect for each other.
[INHALES.]
Hey, Katie, got your text.
What's up? Did you talk to Greg? Okay, well, I may have meddled just the tiniest bit.
- Okay What - Okay, I told Greg that if he wanted to be with you, he had to break up with Cat.
Oh, my God.
You gave him an ultimatum? Because he should have made up his mind by now.
I mean, he told me a couple of months ago that he liked you - What? - Oh, boy.
No! Sit.
What do you know? Ohh A while back, Greg and I followed you on a date.
- And he told me he liked you - So you've been meddling to my face and behind my back.
Oh, my God, what are you even doing here? Are you interning because you actually want a career? Or is it maybe because you're trying to control every aspect of my life? You know how much I want a career.
Really? I actually don't, because they just gave you a job offer at "Morning Wined Up" and you turned it down.
I think maybe you're still an intern for a reason.
Well, if that's how you feel, then I'll take myself as far away as I possibly can to another floor in this building! "Morning Wined Up," here I come!
" Now, Kelly, you had a short-lived theater career.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, - Tell us.
but I cannot sing like I used to, not ever since I got shot through the neck with that arrow.
- [LAUGHTER.]
- [LAUGHING.]
- She did! - Hi, Mom.
Hey, pumpkin.
Listen, I've been thinking about you and Greg.
And I think maybe the best thing to do - is give him some space.
- Mom, just because I like Greg doesn't mean I'm gonna jump his bones and make him cheat on his girlfriend.
- Then what are they doing here? - Whoa! Okay Well, that was obviously self-conscious.
You know Bebop and Rocksteady have a mind of their own.
I'm just saying, being the other woman is the worst way to start a relationship.
That's why everybody still hates Camilla, even though she's perfect for Charles, because they are both so boring.
No one is starting a relationship, okay? Greg doesn't even think about me that way.
Oh, don't look, Greg.
Carol, promise me you will never tell anyone about this night.
I don't know a secret! Oh, that's a great song from the '70s.
Do you know that one? It's by Carol and the Liars? - No - Oh.
Okay, look, obviously, I'm gonna put on a sweatshirt.
But there is about as much of a chance of something happening with me and Greg - as there is with you and Dad.
- All right, that's a relief.
[UPBEAT NEWS BROADCAST MUSIC.]
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey, Greg, what are you thinking budget-wise for my intern anniversary party? Please say 10 grand.
Because I just called Adam Levine's manager, and long story short he's coming.
Carol, interns don't get anniversary parties because interns aren't actually supposed to work here for more than a semester.
Oh! I guess I'm just that good! Oh, by the way, I broke the thermostat again really broke it.
The guy said it'd be cheaper to tear the building down at this point.
Look, being here for a year is not actually a good thing.
Most other interns would have moved on - to paying jobs by now.
- Oh, man! Adam Levine's gonna think I'm a loser! Who broke this? [WHINING.]
Oh, my God, it's so hot! Oh, yeah.
That's why I'm eating ice cream for breakfast.
- You want some? - Uchh, no.
Not with my IBS.
The last time I tried dairy, I had to do a conference call from the toilet and tell them there was a thunderstorm outside.
I'm offended you feel so comfortable telling me that.
- I'm a handsome man.
- No, I know.
Good morning, everyone.
I'm afraid I have some not-so-great news.
It seems a lawsuit has been filed against "The Breakdown.
" - BOTH: What? - Is the FCC mad because I said the f-word on air? I'm sorry, but the Venezuelan elections were effin' lit! No.
Smug Meadow Farms is suing us over that story we did about them.
They're saying it was inaccurate.
And, Chuck, you specifically have been named.
Eh, get in line.
I've been sued dozens of times.
That's why I have my lawyer on speed-dial.
Penis Hospital.
This is Janine.
Uh Look, the point is this isn't a big deal.
This is a very big deal.
- [OVERLAPPING GASPS.]
- Oh, Diana - I didn't know this TV had video conferencing.
- It doesn't.
that allows the user to tap into any electronic device, and that is how I am able to appear - [COMPUTER CHIMES.]
- Here - [BEEP BEEP.]
- or here - [CHIMING.]
- or here.
Katie, I'm in your texts.
You shouldn't feel like you have to reply to every ad bot.
- [SOFTLY.]
Okay.
- The reason I am here is that we are on the edge of a crisis.
This lawsuit has the potential to destroy the network! [DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING.]
Whoa! You can control the lights? That wasn't me.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
Sorry.
Itch.
This is no ordinary lawsuit.
Smug Meadow Farms is owned by Fenton Pelt.
Wait Fenton Pelt? Isn't he that crazy tech billionaire - who's obsessed with staying young forever? - Yes.
He bought the United States men's gymnastics team to use as an organ farm.
He has unlimited money and resources and could sue this show out of existence - if he wanted to.
- So we could lose our jobs.
I have kids.
They're gonna laugh at me until I cry.
And I need health insurance.
I have a high-risk pregnancy because I plan to give birth in the eye of a hurricane.
Hey, look! He's a Nebraska man.
Like me.
I'll just go and talk to him, husker to husker.
Absolutely do not do that.
Greg and Katie produced the piece.
You two need to review every scrap of evidence and make sure your story is airtight.
I don't care how long it takes.
Just lock yourselves in a room and do it.
Do it all night if you have to.
Do it, already! - Okay, well that sounds fine.
We're both professional coworkers, so [ZIP.]
Be cool, you two! [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey, Greg, - you got a minute? - Not really.
Katie and I have to double-check our Smug Meadow Farms story.
It's gonna take all night to get through these documents.
Oh, no, wait You two are gonna be together in the office, alone, all night long? I don't think that's a good idea.
Why not? Nothing is gonna happen.
I'm in a committed relationship with Cat, and we're very happy.
Why would I say it like that? - We're very happy! - Yikes.
Katie and I are just colleagues, nothing more.
I'm very sure she feels the same way.
I'm obviously madly, hopelessly in love with Greg.
I don't know nothin', man! Another smash hit from Carol and the Liars from their EP, "I'm basically Trying to Get Caught at This Point.
" - Did you need something? - Yes.
Okay, Greg, I thought about what you said, and you are right.
I should have a paying job by now.
Which is why I've written a number on this paper.
This is my final offer.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
This is a list of generic Beano brands? Oh, no, wrong paper.
Ooh.
Look, Carol, now is not the time for me to be asking my superiors for more cash.
But here's a little word of advice.
Next time you're negotiating with somebody, come to the table with some leverage.
For example, a competing offer.
Okay, I have that.
Father Kevin said that I could run the church raffle as long as one of the prizes wasn't a burlesque show starring me.
No, Carol.
A real competing offer.
[BRIGHT MUSIC.]
Fenton, thanks for taking a meeting with me.
I was waiting for your call.
I can't believe you still use a phone and not a Bluetooth implanted in your brain.
- [RINGING.]
- I'll call you back! [BEEP.]
Please have a seat.
You know you and I have a lot in common.
We're both Nebraskans, men of means who enjoy a good midday martini.
That's not a martini.
Those are stem cells.
[HACKS, COUGHS.]
I'm just saying we understand each other.
What do you say we forget this silly lawsuit, have a steak dinner, hit the strip club, touch knees by mistake, and leave? You don't remember me, do you? Of course I do.
You're the guy I was just talking to Felton something? In 1977, I won a teen science fair.
You interviewed me.
[INHALES.]
And it was the worst day of my life.
[CYMBALS.]
The real story here is that this kid genius is no kid at all.
I did some digging and discovered that Fenton Pelt is really a 29-year-old sicko who's been lying about his age to win science competitions for children.
Kid genius? More like - [RIP.]
- Aah! Adult loser.
Back to you, Gloria.
That was my first big scoop as a young reporter.
I ate ham salad off of Gloria's bare breasts that night.
[LAUGHING.]
It was the '70s! You humiliated me on television! Well, what was I supposed to do, not report the bigger story? People deserved to know the truth.
But it wasn't the truth.
I was 15 in 1977, and I'll be 30 next week! I don't think that math checks out.
I don't get math.
I went to school in the 2000s and we were taught Common Core! I have spent years biding my time, Chuck, amassing my fortune, and now that I have you in my cross-hairs, I just want one thing.
A night with my wife.
Well, too bad, because she divorced me.
- I kept losing her in low stakes poker games.
- No.
I want you to admit to me that you lied about my age.
- That's it? - That's it.
Just say you lied, and this whole lawsuit goes away.
[EXHALES.]
Oh I see.
Well, in that case "Go to hell, Fenton!" I said, and then I tossed that martini down my gullet because I'd forgotten it was stem cells and I strode out! My back feels great! Wait, so all he wanted you to do is say you lied? "All"? He was asking me to sacrifice my integrity.
Without that, what have I got? Money? Fame? A voice rich like Burgundy wine? The fingers of a pianist? - A child's imagination? - Wait a minute.
So you're just gonna hang us out to dry? If you don't give him what he wants, - we could all lose our jobs.
- Maybe I can hire you guys.
How many of you are gardeners? - None of us are gardeners.
- I'm willing to learn.
Well, I'm sorry, but I for one will not roll over to Fenton's demands.
We have got to fight.
What would Jesus do if he were under attack? He'd kill the guy with his trident! He's a billionaire.
How are we supposed to fight back? [SNAPS.]
With proof.
When Chuck Pierce reports a story, he backs it up with hard evidence.
I have a copy of Fenton's birth certificate.
I remember because I had to seduce his mother to get it.
Now, why isn't he more mad about that? Okay, so just show him the proof and make him leave us alone.
Unfortunately, my ex-wife has the birth certificate.
It's in a storage locker that she got in our divorce.
It seems that we have only one option.
- ALL: A heist? - A heist! - ALL: No.
- Yeah! [BACKGROUND CHATTER.]
- Well, that was a fun show! - Yeah! You know who was hot? BOTH: That cop who pumped my stomach! [ROLLING TONGUE.]
Blllll! - You have the right to remain horny! - [BOTH LAUGHING.]
- [ALARM RINGS.]
- Oh! Oh Hello, ladies.
My name is Carol Wendelson.
I'm an intern at "The Breakdown," but I'm looking to take my next step.
Are there any openings at "Morning Wined Up"? - Ohh - I may be a little long in the tooth to be chasing my dreams, but Kelly, I know from your autobiography that you didn't get your start in television until you were 40! - Yes! - And Mary-Kelly, I know from your autobiography - that you had sex with Wee Man.
- I love that you read my book! I mean, that is the first line, - but I trust you finished it? - Mm-hmm.
You are so cute! - Oh - I bet we could find you a job - as a PA or something.
- Well, why not? Really? Thank you so much! I'll be in touch as soon as I tell my boss Greg about your offer.
[KEYBOARD KEYS CLACKING.]
It's getting pretty late.
Should we order dinner? Uh, not like dinner like wine and oysters.
I meant like some brown, - gross crap or something? - No, no, I love gross food.
That's why they call me Gross-Out Greg.
[LAUGHS.]
You know about that? Wait What? They actually call me that? You know what? Let's just keep working.
[QUIETLY.]
Oh, my God.
Katie, it's like a million degrees in here.
- Why are you still wearing that sweatshirt? - Because I have to! - [WHISPERS.]
They're in there.
- What? You're not making any sense.
You have heat stroke.
Okay, fine.
I'll take it off.
[JAZZY TROMBONE.]
Okay, right! Let's focus up in here.
Papers.
Yes.
Cup is full.
Scissors are chomping.
Work station check complete.
Let's finish this.
Get it together, Wendelson! [GROANS.]
Katie! Big news! I just made a major power play in the elevator and Wait.
Come here.
- Did you almost have sex with Greg? - No! - But it's getting really difficult.
- What did I tell you, Katie? Your relationship will be doomed if it starts like this.
- You don't wanna be the other woman.
- No! I don't! I don't wanna go back in there, Mom.
Greg's butt's like two dinner rolls from Red Robin! Come here, baby, come here.
Wait! Mommy has a plan.
I know the place where sex goes to die.
Don't mind Angie.
She's recovering from vaginal mesh surgery.
Surgeries.
One wasn't enough.
[LIGHT MUSIC.]
[MURMURS.]
Sorry I brought us to my mom's house, but it's so much cooler here than it is at the office.
No, no, I love it.
No distractions.
Wholesome décor.
Imprints of your parents' butts on the couch.
It really puts you in the mood to work.
Yeah.
And have you seen all the photos of me at various awkward stages of my life? For example, this one? Oh, good lord.
Yeah.
We're gonna be done in no time.
Here we are! Coffee! Hey, Greg, when you have a second, I do need to talk business with you.
I got a very interesting competing offer today from "Morning Wined Up.
" - Oh, my gosh! Mom, that's great! - Yeah.
And I'm definitely gonna take it if Greg doesn't offer me a paying job.
No, Carol, I still can't hire anyone until this lawsuit is resolved.
And even then, I can't promise anything.
If it's a good opportunity, maybe you should take it.
But I don't want a paying job at another show.
I want one at "The Breakdown" so I can be near you and Gross-Out Greg Mom, don't stay just because of me.
Even if we don't work together, - we'll still see each other.
- Yeah.
Well, I guess I'll go to bed.
As long as you two kids are gonna be okay.
Keep it down, you three.
I am trying to watch "My 600-Pound Arm.
" We're gonna be just fine.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC.]
Okay, gang.
Here's the plan.
Gene has procured a blueprint of the sewer system beneath the storage facility.
My cousin works in the City Planning Office.
That's right.
Without Gene here, I wouldn't have been interrupted.
Wayne, you'll pose as a plumber.
You'll locate and open the water main, causing a flood in the facility's only restroom.
Then Justin and I will arrive disguised as plumbers.
Justin will fake a heart attack, distracting the guards, while I head off and look for Darlene's storage unit.
Meanwhile, Beth, posing as a plumber, will cut the power, unlocking all of the units.
Shouldn't I be an electrician? What electrician would cut power, Beth? They love power! Next time, think! After I have Fenton Pelt's birth certificate, Gene and Portia will arrive in the news van disguised as plumbers who took the wrong van.
Chuck, you may be over-thinking this.
Also, are we going to be reimbursed for the coveralls? [LAUGHING.]
If this mission goes right, we'll never have to worry about money again.
How so? While the guards help Gene and Portia look for their plumber van, Justin and I will make our escape.
[CHUCKLES.]
In and out, boys.
[SUSPENSEFUL SPY MUSIC.]
In and out.
[FUNKY JAZZ.]
- [ALARM BLARING.]
- I'm stuck! Plan's off! Hey, I'm sorry about all of the distractions tonight.
Well, despite it all, we did it.
- Our story is airtight.
- Mm-hmm.
- Good job, partner.
- [GIGGLES.]
- Don't be nice to me right now.
- I'm not being nice to you.
- Oh, my God, it's happening.
- What? Not like this.
No! I have to stop it! [DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Katie, don't you have IBS? Why does everybody know that about me? - You're gonna wanna get outta here, Greg.
- [GROWLING.]
- [WHISPERS.]
What is happening? - Get out! You bastards! Of course you'd save yourselves! - [ALARM BLARING.]
- Who's there? I'm a registered security professional with Jason Security Systems.
Jason Security Systems? - [GROANS.]
- Chuck! - You came back! - We never left.
We didn't know you weren't in the van.
[CLICK.]
You you saved me.
No fair! I'm too fat to run! I still can't believe what you guys did for me back there.
You saved me, and you could have just saved yourselves.
You'd have to be a real jerk to leave your friend stuck on a fence.
Or a real Chuck Pierce.
I screwed you over, and I could easily have gotten you out of that lawsuit.
- Hello.
- Why did you do that? Look I'm going to make this right.
Have you guys ever been to Sky Zone? It's a trampoline park, but they've got a pretty decent arcade too.
Or you can just tell Fenton Pelt that you lied.
Yes, obviously, I'm gonna do that too.
- [OVERLAPPING COMMENTS.]
- Thanks.
Aah! [GROANS.]
- Katie - No! Why are you still here? Please - I can't just leave you like this.
- You have to.
It's coming up.
Nope, it's going down.
Hold on, it's thinking.
[BELCHES.]
Yep, it's definitely coming up.
- Right.
- [HEROIC MUSIC.]
[VOMITS.]
[GAGS.]
Okay.
You're okay.
[PANTING.]
I'm so sorry.
- Do you want me to hold your hair back? - Mm-hmm.
[VOMITS.]
- All right.
- [VOMITING, COUGHING.]
Ooh! Whoa.
Did you French braid it? I have sisters.
I can't believe you're still here, Greg.
[SOFT MUSIC.]
Oh, God, I was wrong.
This is the worst way to start a relationship.
[RETCHING.]
- Oh! - Ooh [SOFT MUSIC.]
Oh, hello, Chuck.
I'm just finishing an email that I will have sent 100 years ago.
Please, have a seat.
All right, Fenton.
You win.
I'm here to give you what you want.
[INHALES.]
Back in 1977, I lied on the air.
- You are not old.
You are young.
- Thank you, Chuck.
I know that couldn't have been easy for you.
It wasn't.
But it was worth it to make this lawsuit go away.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I lied too.
The lawsuit is still on.
Wait What? But I did what you wanted.
- I said I lied.
- Exactly.
And I recorded your confession on my Google contact lens.
- [BEEPING.]
- Oh oh oh! Back in 1977, I lied on the air.
Your confession will help me establish a pattern with slander and deceit in my lawsuit against MMN.
- Why are you doing this? - Because 40 years ago, you ruined my life, and I'm not gonna stop until I ruin yours.
Face it you're done, old man.
- We are the same age! - [SCREAMING.]
No, we are not! Chuck, I told you his was a delicate situation.
So you provoked the man suing us, tried to rob a storage unit, and then allowed yourself to be recorded saying you're a liar.
Well, if you would let me tell the story, I would try to blame Gene.
And I'd let him, for the attention.
Okay, his lawsuit is baseless.
Greg and I double-checked our story it's airtight.
It may not matter.
This man is clearly willing to stop at nothing to take us down.
I'm sorry, Chuck, but you're a liability.
I'm taking you off the air before this gets any worse.
- I'm suspended? - Indefinitely.
Ah! So not definitely.
- Definitely suspended.
- [LIGHT MUSIC.]
I'm off the air.
Now I have no one to say good night to.
This helping? [LIGHT MUSIC CONTINUES.]
So last night was crazy.
But not bad crazy, good crazy.
Like a mattress salesman slashing prices, - not caring about his own bottom line.
- Listen, I have to apologize.
I shouldn't have let that happen.
Oh, y - Really? - I have a girlfriend, and that's complicated.
And I just need a little time to figure it out.
Besides, it would be the worst possible way to start a relationship, wouldn't it? It's why everyone still hates Camilla and Charles, even though they're perfect for each other.
[INHALES.]
Hey, Katie, got your text.
What's up? Did you talk to Greg? Okay, well, I may have meddled just the tiniest bit.
- Okay What - Okay, I told Greg that if he wanted to be with you, he had to break up with Cat.
Oh, my God.
You gave him an ultimatum? Because he should have made up his mind by now.
I mean, he told me a couple of months ago that he liked you - What? - Oh, boy.
No! Sit.
What do you know? Ohh A while back, Greg and I followed you on a date.
- And he told me he liked you - So you've been meddling to my face and behind my back.
Oh, my God, what are you even doing here? Are you interning because you actually want a career? Or is it maybe because you're trying to control every aspect of my life? You know how much I want a career.
Really? I actually don't, because they just gave you a job offer at "Morning Wined Up" and you turned it down.
I think maybe you're still an intern for a reason.
Well, if that's how you feel, then I'll take myself as far away as I possibly can to another floor in this building! "Morning Wined Up," here I come!