Happy Endings s02e11 Episode Script

And go! Um okay.
Here we go.
Baba booey! Boutros boutros-ghali! How did you get boutros boutros-ghali from baba booey? Duh.
They're both middle eastern dishes.
Okay, who did you see hogging all the samples outside Wetzel's pretzels? - Judge Reinhold! - Yes! Hell-ur? Could I get a clue I'd know? Okay, okay.
Go, go, go.
Okay.
Is that it? Nothin'? Oh, I got to.
Katie Couric! Yes! - Bruce Willis! - Yes! The Honorable Elijah Muhammad.
- And time.
- Yes! - Ohh! - Mm! Come on! This is so weird.
I know.
Who put in so many "Honorable Elijah Muhammads"? "Ali" was on last night.
- Playing celebrity - Oh.
With sisters sooks.
Well, although Al and I may differ on a few bajillion things We've always had the sister connection.
I mean, even as kids we would finish each others-- Pizzas.
Was gonna say "sentences," but that works, too, because I was not much of a crust girl.
I love my pie crusty.
I always wanted a sibling, but the closest I got to a kid sister was a my buddy doll.
Why didn't you just get a kid sister doll? I did, but we weren't that close.
All right.
Who's up for another game? Not me.
My dad is coming to town For the cubs convention, so Wait.
Big Dave is coming to town? God, I love your dad! Ugh.
He hates me for no reason.
You left Dave at the altar! No! It was not that.
He thinks I spilled chocolate milk on his sheepskin seat covers when I was 9.
Well, why couldn't you just hold on to it with two hands, like the man asked? Well, someone had to prove she was a "big girl.
" Okay, I was framed, and I was a big girl.
I was able to do long division with leftovers.
Remainders.
Well, anyway, this is the first time I'm seeing dad since him and mom split up, so I hope he's all right.
Take it from me, a thrice child of divorce, parents get super weird after they split up.
First year-- Pinot grij and video dating.
Second year-- Bangs.
My dad got bangs.
No, that was more of a grown-out Caesar.
No, no.
Uh, those were bangs.
Okay.
Well, we have to go, too.
- Yep.
- What? You guys are leaving? Come on, guys.
We can play charades.
I can bake some cookies.
I'll get naked.
Huh? What are you - Whoa.
Wait a minute.
- What's going on? - Okeydokey.
Come on.
I'm lonely.
The store is empty all day long.
Then hire somebody.
Well, they usually want money, but maybe I should start letting the street performers back in to use my restroom.
That was gross.
It's like, "hey, Pierre, "I know you're tired from being stuck in that glass box, but would you mind flushing?" - No.
- Get one of those.
- Nope.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Here we go.
What? What? What? He gets me.
He does, and we're out.
Fine.
If you're not gonna play with me, I'll play with myself.
- I'd like to see how this shakes out - Okay.
We are - No, no, baby.
Wait.
- 'Cause it's so weird.
All right.
We're just gonna keep going Crocodile hunter.
Paul Hogan! Yes! This sooks.
So, Tyler, this is the store.
Scarves are here.
Sweaters are over there.
FYI, the boss is kind of a hard-ass.
Just kidding.
I'm great.
Anyway, it's great to have a new face around here.
So what do you think? White power.
Hold up.
What? America for Americans.
Thanks a lot, Craigslist.
Jane, thanks for making my dad cub-cakes.
I'm sure he's gonna love 'em.
Well, one sister had to represent the Kerkovich name after the yoo-hoo disaster of '89.
Ohh.
Speaking of big Dave, I bet this is him right here.
He says he's really excited to get here, and he's bringing a girlfriend.
Probably didn't mean to text "girlfriend.
" He probably meant to text that he's bringing a girl who's a friend.
Or he could have meant "goal, Finland.
" My dad does have large thumbs.
Or maybe he meant "girlfriend.
" Maybe he did mean "girlfriend.
" Well, he's been acting crazy since this whole divorce.
I mean, he sold our house.
He-- He sold your childhood house? I went to third base with Peter Wong in that rec room.
I still smile every time I see wood paneling Or Peter Wong.
Dave, I am sure it's not easy hearing that your dad has a new girlfriend and that Penny got rotary-dialed on your bumper pool table - Big-time.
- But how are you doing? Yeah.
Are you okay? Yeah.
I'm fine, guys But Peter Wong, really? Didn't that kid always used to wear a cape? - Yes.
- Mm! You, too? Up, up, and away.
Alex, what was so important that you called us here? I was right in the middle of doing nothing.
Aah! Sweet Jackee! What was that?! I got a bird! But I think something weird is happening over at Hop Sing's.
Alex, something weird is happening right here.
You got a bird? White power.
Oh, yeah, and he's racist Marriage is between a man and a woman.
And a bit homophobic.
You see, I got him online from this guy named "a-ryan420@prodigy.
net".
Why would a stoner Have a racist bird? Okay.
I think "A-Ryan" is "Aryan," and "420" is April 20, which is Hitler's birthday.
How do you know that? Uh, doy.
It's my birthday, too-- Me, Hitler, Carmen Electra.
Tauruses, yo.
Guys, something is definitely going on over there, okay? I always see these suspicious, middle-aged white guys going into Hop Sing's alone.
Lonely white men getting Chinese food? Quelle scandale, Judy Moody.
Hey, man.
I thought we said we weren't gonna tell anyone we saw that movie during our not bummer summer.
Serious-- I checked it out, and they're never in the dining room.
Even Tyler thinks it's fishy.
Right, Ty-Ty? White is right.
You say one more thing, Tyler - Shh.
- And it's over, homie.
Okay.
It's just a bird.
Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
And that tears it for me! Ohh! Max! Those are my Tibetan mood rings! I'm sorry, Alex.
It's okay.
Turns out I'm not that upset about it.
Mm.
Okay.
Everybody's got food.
Everybody's got drinks.
Al, this is for you.
I didn't spill the milk! And why do you even have this? Jane made me buy it for this bit.
Worth it.
I can't wait to see what big Dave's girlfriend's like.
I bet she's chesty.
Why would she be chesty? Because your mom is Uh Uh Big Dave does love yabbos.
Guys, guys, guys.
We are being insensitive, okay? Dave is about to meet his new mom.
She's not my new mom.
Dude, she's just trying to get them to be nice to your new mom.
New mom, a new mom a new mom Okay.
a new mom a new mom a new mom, a new mom a new mom mom Why, hello, Mr.
Rose.
Hello to you, Mr.
Rose.
There must be some mistake.
"Mr.
Rose" is the name of my father.
But that's me.
Dad! Ohh.
- Ha ha! - Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
- Thank you.
When I was a kid, we used to do that in Tuxedos.
Yeah, we remember.
Penny.
Jane.
Brad.
Butterfingers.
So where's this new girlfriend you've been talking about? Hell-ur! Hell-ur.
So Dave's new mom is Penny's old mom? Oh my God.
Best news ever! Told you she'd be chesty.
She got them thangs! Cheers to that.
Mm-hmm.
Huh.
Here is the wine you asked for, Big D.
, served with two hands.
How did this happen? Paint a picture for me.
Was it rainy? Was it sunny? Well, we reconnected at the wedding.
Ooh! What wedding? Ohh.
That wedding.
Our wedding.
Yeah.
Classic.
Anyway, when I got divorced, I called Dana Because I wanted some advice from someone who had been there, so she invites me to hear her sing - down at the old doubletree by the black mall.
- Yes.
- The what mall? - I am throat-deep in some fried mac-and-cheese balls when I hear the sexiest version of the "Neutron Dance" I have ever heard.
I open and close with it.
People just do not see that coming.
And ever since then, we've been together.
Right, featherbutt? That is correct, my lord and master.
Okay? Wow.
So you guys really are a thing.
Sorry.
We debated telling you and Penny before we got here, and we thought it was better to do it in person.
So you okay with this? Uh, yeah.
I mean, we're already family, and-- Oh, my gosh.
This means Dave is my little brother.
I've always wanted a sibling.
Mwah! Wet Willy, little bro.
Aah! You're gonna agitate my swimmer's ear.
Hey, Dah-veed.
You haven't said much.
How's this pill going down? Well, it-- It's a big pill, like the kind they give to horses who have strep throat, but you know what? - Tastes okay.
- Really? - Yeah.
I mean, you're awesome, and Dana's awesome.
- Yay! Wedgie! Uh-- Ooh.
Okay, you're not wearing any undies, but you know what? Hand sani.
Be right back! Like father, like son.
- Oh.
- Ew.
I can't believe you made us waste a perfectly good night watching nothing happening at Hop Sing's.
Seriously, Al, you've been cooped up here way too long.
You're starting to "rear window" yourself and make stuff up.
Oh, really? Well, am I making up that? That's the guy that I was talking about.
So Hop Sing is greeting a middle-aged customer.
That's not a big deal at Boy.
See? Look.
Why are all those young Asian women going inside? Oh, my God.
Hop Sing's is running an illegal kung pao sex ring Right in the middle of your neighborhood.
Me play joke.
Me make peepee.
Shut your racist beak, you racist racist! I told you, something is going down! Just like on "The Wire.
" We should go undercover.
Just like on "The Wire.
" Is there any way to get you to stop saying that? Yeah, well, saying "just like on 'Blue Bloods'" doesn't have the same pop.
- True dat.
- True dat.
I'm not touching you.
I'm not touching you.
I'm not touching you.
What? I'm not touching you.
Little brothers! Headlock! - Okay.
- Aah! You're 5 weeks older than me.
Jane, hit the music.
Mm.
Dad, I have a surprise for you.
I have created a special steak sandwich just for you The Big Dave! Top sirloin because I am of your loin, sir.
The Big Dave.
Heirloom tomatoes because I am your heir.
The Big Dave! Gruyere cheese because you helped me to gruyere up.
That one's not great.
I told you it was a reach.
You make a sexy sandwich, son - Yeah.
- But, you know, Dana's got me off the red meat.
Oops.
I only eat stoyk now.
Stoyk? Soy steak.
Blake lively loves it.
My blood pressure's dropping, and, look, I've lost 10 pounds.
No more buying my jeans at outlets.
No.
I'm slim Dave now.
No more jeans barn? I'm really sorry, son.
Looks like you worked - very hard on this - Mm.
But it's doctor's orders.
Okay.
All right.
Cool.
We'll, uh, we'll pick up some of that food on the way to the cubs convention, but we'd better hurry.
We gotta get in line for that Andre Dawson autograph session.
Hope those are hisses of excitement.
We were talking, and, um Since Andre Dawson's gonna be signing until 6:00, would it be okay if we swung by Healchicago first? Heal what? Hell-ur.
It's only the biggest holistic expo in the whole country-- Energy crystals and rolfing nooks just as far as the third eye can see.
Mm.
Dope.
Dopamine.
Sure.
Uh, we'll show up late to the first time Andre "The Hawk" Dawson has signed autographs in Chicago in ten years.
I'm sure there won't be a big line For The Hawk.
Hawks are my spirit animal.
Of course they are! Great! Let's get goin'! Shotgun! I get carsick in the backseat.
Okay.
This is getting way too real.
All we gotta do is act like we're on "The Wire," okay, homies? Which means that one of these dishes on this menu is code for the sex.
We just gotta find out which one it is, so just follow my lead and stay cool.
I take order? You tell us where the whores are at! I'm sorry.
I think he means, "can we have some egg rolls?" The weird ones that you have sex with! All those-- And she means, "with duck sauce on the side.
" Thank you.
Oh.
Ah.
Check it out.
Skinny jeans made of soy.
They're stylish and edible.
And they're pretty cool.
Hey, speaking of pants, let's get to the cubs convention.
Guys, this place is actually really cool.
I just got a coupon for a tantric workshop taught by Rabbi Sexenstein.
I don't think that's his real name.
Hey, okay.
D-minor, I know you weren't too keen on stoyk, so I got you a downward-facing tofu dog.
It might be a little bit cold because Ed Begley, Jr.
-- - I'm still shaking - Oh.
Was taking forever at the condiments bar, and I was, like, "quit hogging the quinoa, begs.
" I didn't really say that.
I was too nervous.
- Quinoa's stupid.
- Oh.
Look, I know you want to go to the cubs convention, but, you know, Dana stood in line for a half an hour.
You should at least try it.
Trying stuff is stupid! What is wrong with you, son? You've been acting childish all day.
Nuh-unh! Energy crystals are stupid.
Dream catchers are stupid.
Ed Begley, Jr.
is stupid.
Come on, man.
I got nine kids.
Just buy something.
Whatever.
Baby bro.
Stop "baby bro"-ing me.
You're not Johnny Drama, okay, and Dana's not my new mom.
Day-doo, I am not trying to be your new mom, okay? I am still the same person to you that I have always been-- A cool, hip, aunt-type figure who is way too young to be your actual aunt.
Real talk-- Your yabbos look 19.
Copy that.
Let's do what we used to do when you were kids in the neighborhood.
Let's sing our angry thoughts, huh? That way, maybe we won't hold on to our anger - for quite so long.
- Yeah.
- No.
I'm not trying to be your new mom I could never, never, never, never take her place I don't want to sing it out! Dave, just give it a try Yeah.
It worked for me when my second stepfather slept with my drama coach Dennis Look, my family's not weird like yours, all right? We don't sing out our issues! Come on, son, I know it's different but it's better than what we used to do which was yell until we all had mini strokes Now you're singing, too? I don't like it.
I want my old dad back-- The one who loved steak and thought singing was gay.
Now I didn't particularly agree with that point, but I still miss it! Out of the way, hippies! I can't eat another thing.
I know.
Being a detective is very hard.
- All right.
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! That's the guy! Where? Mm! He's definitely here for the sex.
We gotta do like they do on "The Wire.
" We gotta tail him.
- Right.
- Okay.
Should we-- Should we wait for the fortune cookies or just go? We should go.
I can't leave these, though.
Okay.
I got a piece.
I'm taking it.
Whoa.
Okay, we know what's going on here.
You people disgust me! You're all going to jail.
For teaching an "English as a second language" class? Yeah.
Well-- For teaching an "English as a s--" Right.
So you're just-- You're just helping Chinese immigrants gain a better life through education? Ah.
Okay, well, this may be a bad time to tell you guys that I have never actually seen "The Wire".
Where's Dave? He's not answering his phone.
I don't know.
He didn't come home last night.
What is that on your shirt? I don't know, Penny.
I don't have time to read everything that's stuck to me.
Dave ran away.
What?! Whoa.
Here's my car registration.
Come on! Your friend's in here.
He said he wanted to see his old room, and now he won't leave.
Hey, did you, by any chance, hang on to that bumper pool table? Because I did.
You got five minutes.
There's our guy.
Looks like he's doing okay.
Yeah.
Dave, it's been a long weekend, okay? And all that flaxseed I ate at the expo is starting to repeat on me, so let's just go home.
But this was my home, Jane.
This-- this was the corner where mom and dad used to help me with my homework, and this is where I played the keyboard, and over here-- This is the first place that I ever mastur-- --ed Playing the keyboard.
Look, just leave me alone.
You don't know what it feels like.
But I know someone who does.
Wanna talk, fella? There's nothing to talk about.
I hate that your mom is changing my dad.
Dave, we both know this isn't about my mom or your dad.
This is about you needing to accept your parents' divorce.
Look, when I was a kid, I watched my mom go through three divorces and one broken engagement to a very low-level member of the Saudi Royal family.
Thank God we didn't move to Dubai.
That heat-- My hair? Uh, no, thank you.
Yeah.
I remember how your hair would get in the summer.
You looked like John C.
Reilly after a kickball game.
Great joke.
Wrong time.
Dave, look, I may not be your sister, but can I give you some advice? Divorce is hard.
It's hard on the parents, and it's hard on the kids, but the only way to make it is to face it head-on.
Well, that's just not something I'm ready to do right now.
Oh.
Wow.
Okay.
See, I thought you were gonna say, "great job, Pen," but then you, like-- You, like, went the other way.
Okay.
Hey, can we wrap this up? I gotta Skype with my nana.
Can I Skype with your nana? What? No.
I cannot believe we thought Hop Sing's was renting tush.
Well, in our defense, you're an idiot.
It is what it is, babe.
I felt bad for accusing them, but I think I came up with a plan to make things right.
I like Indian food.
I told them they could teach their ESL classes - when I'm closed on Sundays.
- I like American food.
That way, they have a bigger, more comfortable space, and then I have company when I'm doing inventory.
And I think it's helping Tyler's racism.
I like Italian food.
I like Italian food.
All Italians are mafia.
Bird, you trippin'.
Straight trippin', bird.
Are you sure you guys can't wait just a little bit longer for Dave? No, we're gonna miss our flight.
We have to get there six hours early.
Someone got themselves on a watch list.
I was back and forth to Saudi Arabia a lot in the '90s when I was trying to make it work with Farouk.
Mom, I'm really sorry I couldn't help with Dave.
I thought I could reach him.
Oh, don't feel bad, bumblebug.
What do I always tell you? Grocery stores will discount dented cans? Okay, the food industry's best-kept secret.
Hmm.
However, what I was going to say is you can offer people a hand But they have to offer their hand back and be willing to grip said hand as they walk together in unison Toward the valley of growth And heart And sweetness.
It's only three words in arabic, so it's really a lot shorter.
Hey.
Uh, why don't we give you two a minute? No, I-I should say this in front of everybody.
Look, I'm sorry the way I've been acting towards all of you.
I-I just thought that you and mom would be together forever.
You know, it's been tough.
Well, it's been tough for me, too.
I'm just trying to do the best I can.
Dad, we can get through this together.
You know, we just gotta keep talking it out.
Or you could sing it out yes, you could sing it out you could sing it sing it, sing it sing out Or we could talk it out.
Yeah.
And I gotta say a special "thank you" to my "big sis" for supporting me the way a real sister would.
- Aw.
- Mm! I can't take it anymore! I spilled the yoo-hoo.
- What? - Yeah, I-I did not hold it with two hands like I was supposed to 'cause I was too busy doing my "highlights for children," and I did not think you would get mad at Alex, 'cause she had that adorable little lisp thing where she would say the word "scared" like "skay-ohwd.
" I'm a horrible sister.
Can you forgive me? You lied and let your sister take the rap for 20 years? Yeah.
Yep.
Oh.
I still like you better.
Mr.
Begley, Jr.
? My son has something to say to you.
I'm sorry that I insulted you, sir.
I don't think that you're stupid, and to honor you, I have created a new breakfast sandwich for my truck-- The Egg Bagely, Jr.
Three farm-fresh scrambled eggs The Egg Bagely Junior.
Two slices of New York aged cheddar The Egg Bagely Junior.
Three slices of applewood-smoked bacon, all on a sesame toasted bagel.
The Egg Bagely Junior.
Junior.
What an honor Oh.
Except, you see, I'm a vegetarian And this truck and all the crap that you serve on it is killing our Mother Earth! Now who's stupid?! Move it!