Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law (2000) s02e11 Episode Script
Guitar Control
1 Freeze! Put your hands where l can see them! Do it! Care to tell me what this is? You have the right to remain silent.
Who is the man in the suit? Who is the cat with the beak? Do you really want to feel him? Harvey attorney Habeas corpus Marvey attorney Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law Debbie? Send in the next appointment.
Hi, Señor Birdman? Avenger, it worked! - Thank you.
- The phone book ad.
Who habla espanol? We do! - No, l-- - N.
S.
, got it.
You come here, all teeming masses try to make a living, support the family and then Johnny Law swoops in.
Roger.
No, it is my friend, Quick Draw.
They arrested him.
Well, what was your friend doing? - Arresting someone.
- A-ha.
Hmm, arrested for arresting someone.
l don't see that one in here.
No, no, no.
He was charged with carrying a concealed weapon.
l see.
Sawed-off shotgun, Tek-9? A 6-string classical Spanish guitar.
Ouch! He's looking at some hard time, amigo.
l'll take the case! We'll have your bronco outta here in no time.
Mr.
Draw, l'm Harvey Bir-- Right of the people to keep and bear arms Mr.
Birdman, shall not be infringed.
Ooh, wait! Don't tell me! l've heard that somewhere.
- Second Amendment.
- Right! Moses.
Every day, the government issues a new restriction chipping, chipping away at a right guaranteed by the Constitution.
lt's a slippery slope, Mr.
Birdman leading us inevitably toward chaos and anarchy.
Excuse me, is that a gun? Yes.
They don't mind you having that in there with you? Hasn't been a problem.
Harvey, get in here! Guess who's running for president? Yup, it was the guys from the guitar lobby's idea.
They gave my campaign $1 2 billion.
Now l don't have to pander to any other large, powerful lobbying group to win.
Phil, a Pat Robertson is here to see you.
l'll meet him in the champagne room.
Birdman, l need you to notarize this.
- Sure, what is it? - Nothing special.
Some dental records, a pay stub or two.
Oh, and don't forget that one.
Congressional Medal of Honor? When l die, l'll go to heaven, 'cause l've spent my time in hell.
Grenada, '83.
Well, me and the boys are off to the guitar range to talk strategy.
Watch out, that's a loaded-- Ah, yeah, thank you.
l--l've been playing around with that one.
l kinda like it, too.
All righty, then, let's get started.
Mr.
Birdman.
Our founding fathers guaranteed us certain protections.
The freedom of speech, freedom of religion the freedom to own and play stringed instruments of all kinds.
Those founding fathers didn't place restrictions on these freedoms.
They didn't say ''The right to play guitar shall not be violated ''except when used to play Green Day's Time of Your Life ''over and over again in the common area of your dorm.
'' No! Where will these restrictions end? A background check when you want to take up the banjo? A five-day waiting period to buy a Telecaster? An all-out ban on the Flying V? Or dare l say, whammy bar? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury it is up to you to defend our right to keep and bear guitars.
Yes, our founding fathers were certainly comfortable with the idea of the lute or the fiddle but how could they have foreseen the fretless bass? No, there was absolutely no way for them to imagine a time when men would walk the streets brandishing Edgar Winter's special edition portable keyboards with standard midi interface.
Don't look at me! And while the good people of the National Guitar Association might like you to think otherwise do you really think we'd all be safer if everyone were walking around with a Sunburst Rickenbacker in their pocket? You asked for it! Your Honor, l'd like to call-- Oop, sorry, my bad.
l did-- l forgot, l have to do a magic show for my nephew in five and l'm going to need an assistant.
Harvey, let's go.
Ow.
- Make a rabbit disappear.
- Do a trick! Nope.
Got something much better.
You! You're going to die in 23 years of a coronary embolism.
You, you're going to live in Tuscany with your mother and your boyfriend! You, telemarketer.
You, light FM radio DJ.
You, you will raise poodles and not the big kind that win prizes.
No, the annoying little kind that go bap-bap-bap.
Get your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty kids! Mr.
Quick Draw, tell me what do you do? l'm a sheriff.
A cowboy sheriff.
On a steel horse you ride.
Tell me, when you were arrested for carrying a concealed weapon what was it you were doing? Trying to apprehend a suspect.
The Dalton Gang.
Wanted for card-cheatin,' cattle-rustlin' andrunning a crystal meth lab? That's right.
And this Dalton Gang, were they carrying weapons? Yes, they were.
Rifles.
While you, a sheriff, are issued-- Just this! So, you were carrying this! This weapon here simply because you felt under-armed in the line of duty, is that correct? Yes, yes, it is.
Nothing further.
Sheriff McGraw, who's paying for your defense? l'm not sure what you mean.
Lawyers cost money.
This all costs money.
Who's paying for it? Don't push me, Mr.
Reducto.
Or what? You'll pull out another concealed instrument? Objection! Overruled! You were saying - l don't know.
- l do.
lt's them! Those men! They're paying for your defense.
Ladies and gentlemen, since the guitar lobby is paying for this proceeding, l suggest we all sit back, relax and wait for the inevitable verdict.
Not guilty! l mean, court's adjourned! Oh, l've seen almost half of America And everywhere l look l'm proud to see what l can see Well, Americans now have you seen? Just take a look l'm Phil Ken Sebben.
You may not know me, but l have $1 2 billion here that says you'll vote for me regardless.
Phil Ken Sebben Strength, Leadership, Vision.
Oh, almost forgot.
l've taken every drug known to man, and not just orally.
Just gettin' that out there.
Paid For by the People that gave Phil Ken Sebben $1 2 billion.
Look out! Wow! l really like your house, Baba.
lt's neat! Hey, what's that? Oh, that's Quick Draw's guitar collection.
We are not supposed to touch it.
- Why not? - Well Uh-huh, got it.
Judge, a special request.
My client would like to make his own closing statements.
Go ahead! Ladies and gentlemen of the jury l respectfully ask you what's the first thing a dictator does upon seizing power? Wait, wait! l know! Put on a silly military uniform? Stalin! Mussolini! Mao Tse-Tung! Every one of these despots their first act was to outlaw and confiscate private weapons.
Why? So they can have absolute power and roll over the citizenry without so much as one finger lifted against them.
And that is why l will never give this up.
You're gonna have to pry this guitar, dammit pry it from my cold, dead hoof.
Shake hand, kiss baby.
Shake hand, kiss baby.
Shake hand, kiss hand, shake baby.
Shake baby, kiss hand, shake baby.
Shake baby, kiss hand.
Has the jury reached a verdict? We find the defendant not guilty.
Run! Guitar! Gosh, how does it work? Baba Louie? Baba Louie? Wake up! Wake up, little friend! You're not gonna need this wallet.
Well, we won the case.
l lost the election! Turns out you can't fool some of the people any of the time.
Either that or it was the Constitutional amendment to decriminalize sloppy blow-- Mr.
Birdman, for all that you did in defending not just my rights, but the rights of all Americans to keep and bear guitars l present you with this gift.
l'm honored.
lt's a repeating guitbox made in 1870 used in the American West.
Out there, guitars like this didn't enforce the law they were the law.
l didn't write that.
lt was on some asshole's website.
l wish l'd written it.
lt's a good line.
They were the law! They were the law! Out there they didn't enforce the law theywerethe law! Oh, God, that's good.
Hey, look! Real gun.
Can l see that?
Who is the man in the suit? Who is the cat with the beak? Do you really want to feel him? Harvey attorney Habeas corpus Marvey attorney Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law Debbie? Send in the next appointment.
Hi, Señor Birdman? Avenger, it worked! - Thank you.
- The phone book ad.
Who habla espanol? We do! - No, l-- - N.
S.
, got it.
You come here, all teeming masses try to make a living, support the family and then Johnny Law swoops in.
Roger.
No, it is my friend, Quick Draw.
They arrested him.
Well, what was your friend doing? - Arresting someone.
- A-ha.
Hmm, arrested for arresting someone.
l don't see that one in here.
No, no, no.
He was charged with carrying a concealed weapon.
l see.
Sawed-off shotgun, Tek-9? A 6-string classical Spanish guitar.
Ouch! He's looking at some hard time, amigo.
l'll take the case! We'll have your bronco outta here in no time.
Mr.
Draw, l'm Harvey Bir-- Right of the people to keep and bear arms Mr.
Birdman, shall not be infringed.
Ooh, wait! Don't tell me! l've heard that somewhere.
- Second Amendment.
- Right! Moses.
Every day, the government issues a new restriction chipping, chipping away at a right guaranteed by the Constitution.
lt's a slippery slope, Mr.
Birdman leading us inevitably toward chaos and anarchy.
Excuse me, is that a gun? Yes.
They don't mind you having that in there with you? Hasn't been a problem.
Harvey, get in here! Guess who's running for president? Yup, it was the guys from the guitar lobby's idea.
They gave my campaign $1 2 billion.
Now l don't have to pander to any other large, powerful lobbying group to win.
Phil, a Pat Robertson is here to see you.
l'll meet him in the champagne room.
Birdman, l need you to notarize this.
- Sure, what is it? - Nothing special.
Some dental records, a pay stub or two.
Oh, and don't forget that one.
Congressional Medal of Honor? When l die, l'll go to heaven, 'cause l've spent my time in hell.
Grenada, '83.
Well, me and the boys are off to the guitar range to talk strategy.
Watch out, that's a loaded-- Ah, yeah, thank you.
l--l've been playing around with that one.
l kinda like it, too.
All righty, then, let's get started.
Mr.
Birdman.
Our founding fathers guaranteed us certain protections.
The freedom of speech, freedom of religion the freedom to own and play stringed instruments of all kinds.
Those founding fathers didn't place restrictions on these freedoms.
They didn't say ''The right to play guitar shall not be violated ''except when used to play Green Day's Time of Your Life ''over and over again in the common area of your dorm.
'' No! Where will these restrictions end? A background check when you want to take up the banjo? A five-day waiting period to buy a Telecaster? An all-out ban on the Flying V? Or dare l say, whammy bar? Ladies and gentlemen of the jury it is up to you to defend our right to keep and bear guitars.
Yes, our founding fathers were certainly comfortable with the idea of the lute or the fiddle but how could they have foreseen the fretless bass? No, there was absolutely no way for them to imagine a time when men would walk the streets brandishing Edgar Winter's special edition portable keyboards with standard midi interface.
Don't look at me! And while the good people of the National Guitar Association might like you to think otherwise do you really think we'd all be safer if everyone were walking around with a Sunburst Rickenbacker in their pocket? You asked for it! Your Honor, l'd like to call-- Oop, sorry, my bad.
l did-- l forgot, l have to do a magic show for my nephew in five and l'm going to need an assistant.
Harvey, let's go.
Ow.
- Make a rabbit disappear.
- Do a trick! Nope.
Got something much better.
You! You're going to die in 23 years of a coronary embolism.
You, you're going to live in Tuscany with your mother and your boyfriend! You, telemarketer.
You, light FM radio DJ.
You, you will raise poodles and not the big kind that win prizes.
No, the annoying little kind that go bap-bap-bap.
Get your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty kids! Mr.
Quick Draw, tell me what do you do? l'm a sheriff.
A cowboy sheriff.
On a steel horse you ride.
Tell me, when you were arrested for carrying a concealed weapon what was it you were doing? Trying to apprehend a suspect.
The Dalton Gang.
Wanted for card-cheatin,' cattle-rustlin' andrunning a crystal meth lab? That's right.
And this Dalton Gang, were they carrying weapons? Yes, they were.
Rifles.
While you, a sheriff, are issued-- Just this! So, you were carrying this! This weapon here simply because you felt under-armed in the line of duty, is that correct? Yes, yes, it is.
Nothing further.
Sheriff McGraw, who's paying for your defense? l'm not sure what you mean.
Lawyers cost money.
This all costs money.
Who's paying for it? Don't push me, Mr.
Reducto.
Or what? You'll pull out another concealed instrument? Objection! Overruled! You were saying - l don't know.
- l do.
lt's them! Those men! They're paying for your defense.
Ladies and gentlemen, since the guitar lobby is paying for this proceeding, l suggest we all sit back, relax and wait for the inevitable verdict.
Not guilty! l mean, court's adjourned! Oh, l've seen almost half of America And everywhere l look l'm proud to see what l can see Well, Americans now have you seen? Just take a look l'm Phil Ken Sebben.
You may not know me, but l have $1 2 billion here that says you'll vote for me regardless.
Phil Ken Sebben Strength, Leadership, Vision.
Oh, almost forgot.
l've taken every drug known to man, and not just orally.
Just gettin' that out there.
Paid For by the People that gave Phil Ken Sebben $1 2 billion.
Look out! Wow! l really like your house, Baba.
lt's neat! Hey, what's that? Oh, that's Quick Draw's guitar collection.
We are not supposed to touch it.
- Why not? - Well Uh-huh, got it.
Judge, a special request.
My client would like to make his own closing statements.
Go ahead! Ladies and gentlemen of the jury l respectfully ask you what's the first thing a dictator does upon seizing power? Wait, wait! l know! Put on a silly military uniform? Stalin! Mussolini! Mao Tse-Tung! Every one of these despots their first act was to outlaw and confiscate private weapons.
Why? So they can have absolute power and roll over the citizenry without so much as one finger lifted against them.
And that is why l will never give this up.
You're gonna have to pry this guitar, dammit pry it from my cold, dead hoof.
Shake hand, kiss baby.
Shake hand, kiss baby.
Shake hand, kiss hand, shake baby.
Shake baby, kiss hand, shake baby.
Shake baby, kiss hand.
Has the jury reached a verdict? We find the defendant not guilty.
Run! Guitar! Gosh, how does it work? Baba Louie? Baba Louie? Wake up! Wake up, little friend! You're not gonna need this wallet.
Well, we won the case.
l lost the election! Turns out you can't fool some of the people any of the time.
Either that or it was the Constitutional amendment to decriminalize sloppy blow-- Mr.
Birdman, for all that you did in defending not just my rights, but the rights of all Americans to keep and bear guitars l present you with this gift.
l'm honored.
lt's a repeating guitbox made in 1870 used in the American West.
Out there, guitars like this didn't enforce the law they were the law.
l didn't write that.
lt was on some asshole's website.
l wish l'd written it.
lt's a good line.
They were the law! They were the law! Out there they didn't enforce the law theywerethe law! Oh, God, that's good.
Hey, look! Real gun.
Can l see that?