Life in Pieces (2015) s02e11 Episode Script

COLLEEN: Your family will be here any minute.
Where should this go? By the drinks? By the food? Definitely by the drinks.
Great, it's settled.
Maybe by the food.
You're putting way more thought into this than any date we've ever been on.
Yeah, of course, because if this goes badly, I can't fix it with sex.
Everything has to be perfect.
Your parents host brunch, Jen and Greg have New Year's, Heather and Tim throw a party every time one of their kids gets bigger pants.
I want tailgating to be our thing.
Okay, okay, but maybe our thing could not be hosting anything.
There's a lot of honor in just being a guest.
- JOAN: Hi, kids! - Oh, they're here.
- Hi! - Hi! - Oh, darling.
- Hi.
- Hi, baby.
- Hey, Mom.
Oh, God, it's so great to have the Rams back in L.
A.
You know, I've missed tailgating.
You know what I love? Putting my hand up and having somebody come by and give me a high five.
Hey! It's the best.
It's the best.
- Honey, can I have the Purell? - Mm-hmm.
(clears throat) John, you want to sit in the shade? No, I like the sun myself, like a lizard.
Move the chair.
Move the chair.
- Okay.
- Go, go, go.
Come here.
Okay.
How's that? Oh, now I have to lift my feet up if I want a drink.
I need hydration.
I'm not a lizard.
JOAN: No, honey, just relax and enjoy the clam dip.
Clam dip? Oh! Clam dip is a tailgating tradition.
Now I emailed you the recipe but maybe it went to spam because of the word clam.
Yep.
- It's all right, sweetheart.
- You like hummus? - No, dear, I don't.
- Oh.
Veggies? Fun.
I can't wait to taste the dirt.
No problem just dump a bunch of clam dip on them.
Yeah, I might not have realized the importance of this clam dip.
Oh, honey, it's okay.
These off-brand sodas totally make up for it.
I love Dr.
Pobb.
JEN: Yeah, yeah, don't sweat it.
You'd have to be superhuman to please the Short family.
Of course, we do it every year at our New Year's Eve party, but I'm heavily sedated.
- Right.
- I actually think it's more impressive to throw an amazing party for a milestone event.
You know, like when your kids realize that boogers aren't food.
Ooh, I'd kill for a burger right now.
Booger, babe.
Ooh.
Did I get it? You were so right.
We should've never tried to stake this out as our own.
There's steak? No.
This was a huge mistake.
There's steak? - No.
- No.
All I wanted to do was impress your family and now they're just going to remember this as the tailgate that Matt and Colleen screwed up.
It's okay.
I'm going to save this.
There's a very easy solution.
Clams? - Anybody got any fresh clams? - No, man.
Clams? No? Mussels? Bivalves of any kind, sir? Hey, man, a couple tailgates down there's a whole seafood spread that nobody's watching.
And there's an unaccompanied purse if you're feeling brave.
Oh, my God, you're Kurt Warner.
Hey, man, how you doing? I'm a huge fan.
Thanks, man.
Hey, can-can you do me a favor? Do you have good food? Oh, sure.
Okay.
All right, come on.
Thank you so much.
Right this way.
Hey, everybody, everybody.
Look who heard about Colleen's amazing tailgate - and wanted to join us.
- Hey, how's everybody doing? - Oh, my God.
- Hey! Kurt Warner! Oh, my gosh! Kurt Warner! Is this where the food's at? Amazing this is like looking in the mirror.
Hi! We love you, we love you.
And I am basically best friends with Marshall Faulk, who you Hey, hey, is that one of those misting fans? Uh Yeah? I mean Would you like it? I wouldn't not like it, thank you.
That feels awesome.
COLLEEN: This is so cool.
I know, I know, it's Kurt Warner, two-time league MVP, Super Bowl MVP, future Hall of Famer Yeah, yeah, yeah, all that.
But he's Kurt Warner, the guy who got your family to stop complaining about my tailgate.
Yeah.
Yeah.
MATT: Yeah.
Is he stealing Sophia's teddy bear? Okay, one more hug from you, then he's all mine, okay? - Okay? - Okay.
All right.
Okay, all right, all right.
That's - Give it to him.
- Thank you, thank you.
My dog's going to love chewing on this thing.
- (laughs nervously) - (chuckles) - You know what? - She doesn't need it.
- The kid's got plenty of toys.
- She's fine.
- You know? Yeah.
- She's fine.
Oh, I just made it.
Oh, close, but it just slid off.
Aww, man.
I win! Yes! Yes, people! You guys suck at this.
Kind of looks like you cheated.
Spoken like a true loser, huh, people? Come on, huh? Okay.
Good job, Kurt Warner.
All right, Rams on three! Ready one, two, three! ALL: Rams! - Yeah! - Yeah! Cool.
Let me see how I looked in that.
Oh, my gosh, my nose looks huge.
Oh, that's terrible.
Yuck.
Delete.
Delete, delete.
Okay, well, now you're just deleting photos of my kid's first birthday.
Hey, which one of us won the Super Bowl? You want me to throw him out? I mean, not physically, because that would end badly for me, but, you know, ask him to leave, like, really timidly? Honey, you know what? I'm glad this happened.
- Let him ruin it.
- MATT: Yeah.
To the honorable job of just being guests.
That's our thing.
Nice to meet you all! Thank you very much.
MATT: Take care, Kurt! Is that our chair? He still has my phone.
Oh! Hey, someone grab that Super Bowl MVP! (metal scanner squeals) It's a piercing.
Wait, wait, wait.
I was here! - Thank you.
- Flag on the play, you were holding me.
(beeping) Congratulations! You've been selected to participate in our halftime fan challenge.
- What? - That's so weak.
You're always getting so lucky, Greg.
Penalty declined.
Wow, I can't believe it! So, I, uh I'm actually going to get to, like, go out onto the actual field and stuff? And throw footballs used by the actual team.
What? Oh! Oh, that is awesome.
So you just throw a ball at a target and then you win a cruise? Yeah, I've already lost.
Eh, cruises are gross.
At least Tim won't be there wearing a Rasta hat with the dreadlocks sewn into it.
No, I've already lost because I don't know how to throw a spiral.
What? Dude, we are a Rams family.
Look, do you think I enjoy being the guy that runs back every pass when we're tailgating, yelling, "Hey, he's found an opening!" You know, or acting like it's super funny to punt it 20 yards over everybody's heads.
We just thought you were being a jerk.
No, I'm a great guy.
Mmm.
It's always been my greatest shame that this cannon of an arm could never master the finesse required to throw that perfect spiral.
Um Matt just tried so hard to teach me.
I feel like I let him down.
So Matt taught you? Yeah.
(whistle blows) ANNOUNCER: Six yards on the play, third down.
Hey, um, you know how you used to - teach Greg things? - Yeah.
Like if you pee in your bed, it makes it yours, and if you kiss Dad right on the lips, he'll live one more day.
Dad couldn't beat him off with a stick.
Okay, well, I think that your football lessons really stuck with him.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
STADIUM ANNOUNCER: Rams fans, make sure you stick around for the NFL halftime challenge, where six lucky fans will show us their quarterbacking skills.
Oh, no.
Yeah, just go, go.
(grunts) (grunts) (grunts, loud bang) Oh, hey, man.
What you doing? Just getting ready for halftime.
Yeah, I got to throw a ball through a through a target, so I'm just trying to decide if I want to, you know, drop back, throw from the pocket, or maybe bless the receiver on a, you know, play action.
Let me see both.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah.
Omaha, Omaha, Omaha! Hut! Hut! Oh, he sees an opening! Oh yeah, you can't throw a spiral, can you? No, I can't.
And it's stupid I'm trying so hard, you know? I'm doing the okay method, just like you taught me, - but it's not working it's not okay.
- Okay.
You don't put your finger and your thumb together, right? You grab the ball on the laces, like this.
See? You taught me how to throw wrong.
Are you serious? I can't throw a football because of you? I thought you'd learn how eventually once you started playing with your friends.
I didn't have any friends because I didn't know how to throw a football! Do you have any idea what it's like to walk out on the field and ask, "Hey, anyone want to long snap to each other?" Look, man, you were better than me in so many ways.
You were better in school, you were better at making Mom Mothers' Day cards.
You even smell better.
Like a freaking Yankee candle.
I do have a natural Christmas tree scent.
So I guess I just told you the wrong way to do things so that, you know, we'd be even.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Things? Things? You mean there's more? Yeah, there may be.
Wow.
If a stop sign has a white border, is it optional? You still got your license.
Does touching my pee stream prevent me from getting a cold? That's when I was in my "let's see how far I can take this" phase.
Does putting chewing gum behind my ear help me keep my balance? I don't even remember that one.
I do.
Man, I'm really sorry.
I was a jealous kid.
But I do want to make it up to you, and I'm going to start right now.
I'm going to teach you how to throw a football.
- I would like to win that cruise.
- Yeah.
Even if staying on a boat longer than 24 hours makes your toes shrink.
(scoffs) Damn it! STADIUM ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please turn your attention to midfield for our NFL halftime quarterback challenge.
It's just like throwing in our backyard.
Yeah.
If we had a hundred thousand neighbors.
Okay.
STADIUM ANNOUNCER: Today's champion wins an all-expense-paid cruise to sunny Bahamas.
MAN: That's what I'm talking about! STADIUM ANNOUNCER: Contestants, take your places.
All right, man.
Just like I told you put your fingers here, all right? - Release, don't overthink it.
- I got it.
STADIUM ANNOUNCER: Here we go.
Three, two, one, go! (drumline music playing) Did you see that? - That was beautiful.
- Did you see that? (laughing): I did it! I'm going on a cruise! Look at the We're going on a Why are they still throwing? Why is everybody still throwing? Oh, no, you know what? I think it's how many balls you get inside the target.
It's not the first ball to go in? I don't know, they were announcing the rules while you were stretching weren't you listening? Well, I was listening to my body.
- Weren't you listening? - No, I was back there trying to remember all the lies I've told you.
Because you are a liar, and you did it again, didn't you? - You lied to me! - What? You wanted me to lose, admit it! - No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did! You don't (grunting) (grunting continues) - Son of a gun! - (whistle blows) SOPHIA: Look, Daddy, it's Rampage the Ram! Hey, Sophia! Never follow someone in a costume! We showed you a whole video about that.
(cheering) - Oh! - Daddy, I need to go to the bathroom.
Wait? Oh, no, no, you can't go to the bathroom now.
You'll just have to wait until your mother comes back.
I can't.
But your introduction to football has got to be perfect or I'll never get the sports buddy I so desperately need.
Look at them! They're useless! - But nature calls! - Then you tell nature that you will call her back because you are busy creating a life-long passion for football.
I'm going to create in my pants if you don't get me to a bathroom.
- (exasperated groan) - Come on! Tim! Where you going? I don't know.
I'm damn it! (toilet flushes) Oh, here we go.
Dad, I need privacy or I can't go.
(chuckles) You get that from me.
You okay in there, sweetheart? MAN: Doing fine, princess! How about you? SOPHIA: All done.
Oh, no! Just close your eyes, honey.
You're the wrong height to be in here.
Boys are lucky.
- They get to pee in a sink.
- Yeah.
Mom always says I can't, but sometimes I do.
Yeah, yeah, so do I.
Hey, look, I don't think anybody scored yet, - so let's get back to our seats.
- (loud cheering) STADIUM ANNOUNCER: Touchdown! Oh! All right, come on.
Sophia, let's go.
Sophia? Sophia! Ooh! Hey! Hey, hey, hey! I need a souvenir to remember my first game by.
Great, let's get that.
Oh, great, yeah, yeah.
- Let's get that, good one.
- STADIUM ANNOUNCER: Extra point is good! Great, yeah, hat.
Let's get that.
Come on.
Oh, bear, yes.
Let's get that.
Yes! Oh, good choice, let's get that.
Do you want the blue one or the pink one? No! Don't give her choices! Hmm.
Hey, let me carry that bag.
Okay.
(gasping): Look, Daddy! It's Rampage the Ram! Hey, Sophia! Never follow someone in a costume! We showed you a whole video about that.
But wouldn't it be awesome if I got a picture with him? Then I could show all of my friends that I'm a true Rams fan.
Okay.
- Stop that furry! - Yeah! No! No! Aw, come on, Rampage! Please! It's kind of sad you couldn't catch up to a man in an 80-pound ram costume.
He's a professional athlete.
Well, I guess we just got to go upstairs and watch the rest of the game.
Bummer.
No! No! It's locked! No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no! Oh! Ah! We're trapped! (sighs heavily) I can't believe we're going to miss the game.
Sorry, sweetie.
Looks like your introduction to football has been ruined.
That's okay.
I don't really understand the game anyway.
You don't? Oh, no, no.
Well, then, we're going to have to have the talk.
Okay, this bear is the ball.
So you are going to hold onto that ball and you're going to try to run past me.
I'm going to try to stop you and I'm going to try to take that ball.
Okay.
What? What are you doing? Seems like you really wanted it.
Oh, I do really want it.
But you also really want it.
I don't care.
No, Sophia.
(sighs) - Hey! - Sike! Touchdown! (sing-song): Oh, mm-hmm, go Rams! I did it! I see, the old quarterback sneak.
Well, what about this? Whoa! Dad! (laughter) - What - (door closes) Are you okay, little girl? I have a panic button in my costume, and I'm not afraid to use it.
I think the appropriate response would be to ask me if I'm also okay.
(cheering) They just scored a touchdown.
Which is worth how much? Six.
Until they make an extra point - or a two-point conversion.
- Conversion.
Oh, it looks like we got a fan here, huh? Kurt Warner has my fan.
I know, sweetie.
I'm going to listen to my book on tape.
Tell me if anything exciting happens and I'll do the same.
Oh, damn, I just bought more seats.
JOAN: Sure is hard to see from way up here.
Well, I'm sorry, Joanie.
I thought I was buying the expensive seats.
It turns out I bought 30 of the cheap ones.
You win this time, Internet.
Well, you know what? What really matters is that we're together and that now we can comfortably spread out, right? Huh? No? Okay.
Well, I'm going to listen to my book on tape.
Tell me if anything exciting happens and I'll do the same.
Oh, damn, I just bought more seats.
We're so high up my hot dog's going to be brought by a Sherpa.
Hey, Joan, there's open seats lower down let's go grab two.
No, that wouldn't be right.
They're not ours.
Well, actually, no, um, a partner at my law firm has season tickets, and he told me he's having an affair this weekend, and also he's not very good at having affairs.
Well, let's go grab those seats before he loses them in the divorce.
(cheering) FOOTBALL PLAYERS: Ready? Break! JEN: Yes! Oh, I feel bad the family is way up there and we're down here.
I wonder if they can even see us.
Suckers! Do you think you could get these seats again? Um, I don't, but mostly because I made up that thing about these being our season tickets.
These were just two random open seats.
- You mean we're here illegally? - Yeah.
- We have to go, we have to go right now.
- What? Wait, no, hey, come on.
What is the worst that could happen? We're found out, we're caught, and we're publicly shamed.
Okay, worst case scenario, an usher comes, politely asks us to leave and we go back up to one of our other 30 seats in Machu Picchu.
Men are here, men are here for us.
I believe you two are in our seats.
I'm going to throw up.
Can we see your tickets? We don't have to show you anything.
These are our seats.
Don't anger them, they might be undercover detectives.
Hello, officers.
JEN: Well, I've got a quick fix.
We can just have the usher come over, take a little looksie-loo at the tickets and then kick out the liars.
(quietly): We're the liars! Oh, uh, these are for next week's game.
- (chuckles) - (mocking laughter) You said girls were dumb! How did you do that? How did you know they were bluffing? Because half their faces were sunburnt.
They were clearly up there in the nosebleeds with us.
You are so good.
You are good.
You're like that woman TV detective.
- You know, she's so brilliant at her job.
- Mm-hmm.
Her personal life's a mess, but Yeah, what can you do? Anyway, um, I think all this is a little too much for me, so I'm going to go home and-and think of ways I can give back to the community.
Hey, no, come on! What is your deal? Like, what traumatized you as a child? I was ten.
Oh, okay, so something actually did traumatize you as a child.
- I was ten.
- Oh.
And we had tickets to the circus.
And a mime had put a small rag on my seat.
And I sat down and then he pulled the rag out and it looked like I had eliminated the rag.
- He was good.
- Yeah, he sounds very talented.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
And so, yeah, so then that-that mime - played a trick on you.
- Yeah.
And everybody was watching and laughing and And that's why you became a therapist.
- No, that's unrelated.
- Okay.
JOAN: Let's go, Rams! Oh, I'm so glad you made me do this.
(laughs) - Ah! - Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! - Okay.
- What is that? Well, that's the mascot and he's pretending that you're in his seat.
- Oh, no, I don't like this.
- I know.
STADIUM ANNOUNCER: Uh oh, Rams fans, looks like somebody's in Rampage's seat.
Oh, no! Oh, no, no, thank you.
I-I-I-I don't want do this, I'm just on my way home.
Uh, hey, Joan, I think maybe you should play along because you're actually on the Jumbotron.
JOAN: Oh, my God.
Everybody's watching.
They're laughing.
ANNOUNCER: Better show Rampage your ticket, because he has his.
Stop this! ANNOUNCER: The only way to get rid of Rampage is to beat him in a dance-off! No, no, I don't want a dance-off.
- You got to dance.
- I don't want it.
JOAN (on Jumbotron): No, no, please! I just don't want to do this.
Oh, make it stop! Please make it stop! I can't get away from me, you old goat! (struggling) Okay, well, now we're actually getting kicked out.