Man with a Plan (2016) s02e11 Episode Script

Guys, this is a dishwasher.
Okay? This is not a dishwasher.
We know what a dishwasher is.
Okay.
Well, then, show me by putting your dishes in there.
It's full of wine glasses.
When you have kids, you'll understand.
Come on.
(SIGHS) Hi.
Hey.
- How was Bingo with your mom? - (SHUDDERS) (EXHALES) How do you think it was? Four hours stuck in a hot room with a bunch of senior citizens.
And it took forever to call each number.
"B9.
" (AS ELDERLY PERSON): "What?!" "B9.
" (AS ELDERLY PERSON): "What?!" And then this 90-year-old woman grabbed my thigh.
And I said "Hey, hands off" and she said "What?" Well, you've always been catnip for the blue hairs.
Yeah.
Oh! I did finally win a prize.
- (RATTLING) - A pill organizer.
But I think it's used, 'cause there's an aspirin in Friday.
I'll put it with the compression socks you won last week.
(CHUCKLES) Ever since my mom got on this Bingo kick, it's every week.
My dad won't take her, you won't take her Wait.
Why don't you ever take her? Well, I told her I don't like Bingo.
I may have also said that you love it.
So you did this to me? Bingo.
Honey, you know, your mom is just sitting around that house all day with your dad.
She's probably bored out of her mind.
That's what it is! Look at the big brain on you.
To stop Bingo at night, we need to find a way to tire her out during the day.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Don't you have volunteers at the hospital? Actually, your mom would love that.
Yeah.
Why not give her to the sick people? They're already not having fun.
Okay, I'll get her signed up.
Great.
Great.
Oh.
And as a thank you, please accept this state-of-the-art bunion shaver.
- Ooh.
- Really? I was on a hot streak.
Oh, I'm so nervous.
My first day as a volunteer.
Hey.
Dropped the kids off at school.
Uh, fair warning, Teddy lost his hard-boiled egg in your car.
I moved the seat back to try to find it, but I think I may have just crushed it.
Look at me, sweetie.
I'm a working girl, like Mary Tyler Moore.
If I had a hat, I'd throw it in the air.
(CHUCKLING) She knows she's not getting paid, right? Hey, I took her off your hands.
Don't rock the boat.
All right, look.
Just keep her moving so she's too tired for Bingo.
Maybe don't tell her about the elevators.
- Hmm? - (CHUCKLES) Okay.
(SING-SONGY): I solve problems, that's what I do.
(HUMMING HAPPILY) (HIGH-PITCHED YELP) You still scream like a little girl, son.
What are you doing here? I don't want to sit alone in an empty house, so I'm with you now.
Wha Mom's going to be volunteering at the hospital every day.
Then I'll be with you every day.
But I have to go to work.
Great, we'll go to work.
We just need to stop off and get me my morning Dr.
Pepper.
There's a can in the fridge.
Oh, no, no.
It's gotta be draft, with chewable ice, in a foam cup, the way the good Lord intended.
- Ah.
- I know where we can get it.
There's a place out by the airport.
Oh, great.
Yeah.
I was just thinking how much I want to drive to the airport.
All right.
After we get your airport soda, we need to run by the lumberyard.
What about breakfast? Why didn't you make yourself something in the house? I don't cook my own food.
Somebody does it for me.
I'm grandfathered into that.
What does that mean? It means I risked my life fighting commies, so somebody else makes my chow.
(ENGINE STARTS) (ALARM CHIMING) - You hear that? - Hmm? - (CHIMING CONTINUES) - You hear? Huh? - You know what that sound is? - Huh? That means put your seat belt on.
I don't have to do that, I'm grandfathered into that, too.
I'll just fly safely through the windshield.
How 'bout this soda, Donny? Oh Great job, Pop.
It's delicious and it looks like it made Adam really mad.
I can't hear you.
All I can hear is "bong bong bong.
" Oh, Adam, the insulation guys called.
They can meet you at 9:00 tomorrow.
Okay, great.
Oh, no, no, no.
That's not going to work.
We need to buy my lottery tickets at 9:00.
That's my lucky time.
How is it lucky if you've never won? Every time I don't win, I'm building up my luck.
That's how it works.
- Hey, Dad.
- What? Want to chase the crew around with the forklift? Is a duck's ass watertight? ADAM: Listen, Don.
You have got to take Dad off my hands.
No way, he wanders off.
I lost him in Target once.
I had to use that red phone and everything.
I love father and son time.
Once a year, my father and I go hunting for Bigfoot.
I take what I can get.
Just tell Dad you have stuff to do and he needs to entertain himself.
I can't do that to the old guy.
I'll just suck it up.
How bad can it be? (ALARM CHIMING) What are these guys doing? The light's green.
- (HONKS HORN) - Hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
What are you doing? You can't honk another man's horn.
Yes, I can, I'm grandfathered in.
- (HONKS HORN) - Hey.
There's four guys in that truck.
And now they're getting out.
Great.
That's why you don't put your seat belt on.
- It's go time! - Hey! You are 75 years old.
Go time is over.
Here's your "middle of the day" Dr.
Pepper.
Sorry it took so long, they were doing roadwork down by the airport.
Nice try.
This is from the Shell station down the street.
How are you so good at this? What's this? Cream for my dry skin.
Why are you giving it to me? You have to rub it on me.
What? Not everywhere, just the places I can't reach.
Hey, honey.
How was your day? My dad has a cream, Andi.
That I have to apply.
Oh, boy.
I'm sorry, honey.
Eesh.
Well, you know, if it helps, your mom is having a blast at the hospital.
Well, I can't do another day.
Okay, I-I think you're overreacting.
Oh, really? Am I? Am I? Am I overreacting? I am more and more confident the answer is yes.
Let me show you something.
Ooh.
What's in that cream? Your hands are so soft.
Bong bong bong bong.
I'm hearing it in my sleep now.
Oho, and this is the best part.
Look, Andi, it's my dad.
In our bed.
Where's Bev? She volunteered to stay for the late shift.
Okay.
What's for dinner? Pizza.
I I was thinking meatloaf.
ANDI: Okay, well, um, meatloaf takes a while, Joe.
Well, I got a good run of game shows here, I don't mind waiting.
Adam get him out of there.
You need to wrangle your filly, boy.
I don't think she's the problem.
It's not my fault.
- Your mother changed the plan.
- What plan? For our golden years.
We were happy just staying at home, watching the world go by.
Then she started acting different.
Did you make her rub that cream on you? 'Cause it's making me act different.
I knew something was coming.
Every morning, we'd go out for our walk and we'd get to the sidewalk and we'd turn left.
Then one day last month, she turned right.
Why? What was she looking for? And then the Bingo, and then the hospital.
And here I am.
Well, did you talk to Mom about any of this? I don't have to talk about my feelings.
I'm grandfathered into that.
Where you going? I have to make a meatloaf.
Well, before you go, would you get me another pillow? I-I need one for between my legs.
Use Andi's.
I can't believe we're actually making this meatloaf.
Well, we have to, he's grandfathered in.
You should have heard him up there, Andi.
He's lost.
Well, I don't get it.
Bev's gone away before.
She went on that cruise.
Yeah, but he knew everything would go back to normal in a day or two.
This is different.
It's a big change for him.
So, what, Bev has to sit on the couch for the rest of her life just to make her husband happy? Yes.
Wha It's in the vows.
We whisper it so you don't hear it.
You have to tell my mom to quit the hospital.
Wha? I'm not gonna do that.
She's happy.
So I have to talk to her all by myself? Yes.
(SCOFFS) Wives don't help their husbands with bad ideas.
It's in the vows.
Well I think it's a good idea.
I'll just explain that my dad is lonely with her gone and she needs to come back.
I wouldn't get involved if I were you.
I'm already involved.
My pillow smells like Brylcreem.
It's like sleeping in Ronald Reagan's arms.
Well, fine, you can use my pillow.
Uh, no, thank you.
I think we're gonna have to take your pillow out back and shoot it.
Okay, here comes Mom.
I'm going to talk to her about quitting the hospital.
Well, then I'm getting out of here.
Oh, your dad's up there.
Oh, here comes your mom.
I I c Pantry! Oh.
Hey, sweetie.
Hey, how was your day at the hospital? Tiring, I'll bet, huh? Makes you want to say, "Whew, I am never going back there again.
" Well, lesson learned.
You gave it a shot.
Yeah? Actually, you know, I feel great.
Helping people gives me more energy.
More energy? Ooh I hear that's what happens right before you should quit a job.
What are we talking about? - Hey, speaking of Dad - Were we speaking of Dad? We could talk about Dad if you want to, yeah, sure.
You know, I I think you threw him a curve ball by being out of the house so much.
He misses you.
Oh, that's what this is about.
You know, honey, I've been adapting to him my whole life.
Now I'd like it if he could adapt to me.
Well, I'd like it if he could apply his own damn cream, but that's not happening.
(EXHALES) I think what he really misses is me cooking and cleaning for him.
O Okay, that's a slightly negative spin on it.
I'm just saying I think he'd be happier if you weren't gone so much, you know? And if you think about it, it's kind of romantic.
Huh? Yeah.
So he'd be happier if I weren't doing the thing that makes me happy.
Again, slightly negative spin.
Mmm! I smell meatloaf.
Of course you do, you selfish bastard.
- (DOOR SHUTS) - What did you do, boy? I just told her that you missed her.
What, are you writing some kind of romance novel? I guess I'll be spending the night.
Wh Where you going? Where do you think? Well, hey, you know, uh, we have a guest room.
I made you.
You're my guest.
That went well.
Where's the meatloaf? He took it upstairs, like a groom takes his bride.
ANDI: Hey you elbowed me in the nose.
I didn't move, you nosed me in the elbow.
Ugh.
You are breathing directly into me.
- (EXHALES LOUDLY) - My air is your exhaust.
All right.
I want my bed back.
Look, don't worry.
Dad won't be here long.
- Mom will come around.
- Wh Why are you taking his side in this whole deal? He's been driving you crazy all week.
Well, the man has worked hard his whole life.
He deserves to retire on the couch with his wife sitting next to him and cooking him food.
Like any man would want.
- Like any man? - Mm.
Not you though, right? What was the question? I just want to know how you're picturing our golden years.
Well, I've worked hard my whole life, too.
So your plan is to just sit and eat? (CHUCKLES) You think you're making it sound bad, but you're kind of selling it.
Okay, well, that's not healthy.
I mean, you might get fat.
Hey, till death, baby.
But I wanted to do something fun, together.
You know, like open Pittsburgh's first winery.
You just like wine.
Yeah, well, I'm going to need it if I'm stuck on the couch with a supersized shut-in.
(CHUCKLING) I am going to breathe on you so hard tonight.
(BREATHING LOUDLY) (GROANS) (GRUNTS) (EXHALES) Adam, we need to talk.
You put the chicken too far away.
I'm leaving you.
For who? For me.
Are you leaving me for my own brother? Yeah, well, I had no choice.
- He kept it tight.
- Mmm.
You know it, mama.
(STAMMERS) Come back, don't go.
Andi.
Andi! Andi Chicken.
Chicken! What's for breakfast? Cereal.
I left a note on the fridge saying I wanted frittatas.
Well, those days are behind you.
We need to talk about what's been going on around here.
I told you what's going on.
I went left, your mom went right.
Get ready to for two Christmases.
Look Okay, listen, you are going to have to accept what's happening with Mom and, you know, adapt.
But I'm grandfathered in.
That's not a thing! Look retirement is a team sport.
You had everything the way you wanted.
Now Mom has found something that makes her happy.
Isn't that good? You think I don't want to make her happy? I love her, I I I just, I don't know how to do any of that stuff.
What stuff? Home stuff.
My mother fed me, then the army fed me and then Bev fed me.
If anything, this is their fault.
Okay.
You want a frittata? Let's teach you how to make a frittata.
Then you can make one for Mom.
You think that would make her happy? I do.
Okay, let's do it.
All right.
You want an apron? I'm willing to try this, but I'm not putting on a damn cooking costume.
I still don't understand why you brought me back here.
Adam called me and he said that there is a surprise for you.
Joe? What's this? I made dinner.
What with you being at the hospital, I want to, um What did you tell me I wanted to do? Adapt.
Yeah, that.
You cooked for me? - Well - You've never done that before.
Retirement is a team sport.
I taught him that.
And I taught you that.
I just want you to know that I support you.
This is really something, Joe.
- Here.
See? - Oh! Ooh, you made scrambled eggs.
Yeah.
Frittatas are a real son of a bitch.
By the way, we need to figure out something else for our retirement besides my couch thing.
That doesn't end well.
Oh, well (CLEARS THROAT) I have some ideas.
Hey, if it makes you happy, - it makes me happy.
- Aw.
Well, you know I've always loved dogs, so how about running a dog rescue? I already have a name: It's The Leash You Can Do.
Ooh, that's good.
Make him do that.
No.
No dogs.
Nothing that poops.
Once the three poopers we got go to college, we're done.
- All right.
- (CHUCKLES) What else you got? Okay.
How about we open a mask store? A what? A store that sells nothing but masks from around the world.
Ooh, that's a winner.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And we will call it Maskwell House.
It feels like you're just coming up with a funny name and then working backwards from there.
Yeah! That's my process.
Hmm.
It's cute, right? Hey, guys.
You get the hell away from my wife.