Melissa & Joey s02e11 Episode Script

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
I will never take another driving lesson from you as long as I live! Perfect, because I will never give you another lesson as long as I live, which will be a lot longer now that I'm never getting into a car that you're driving.
You are the worst teacher ever.
Even worse than Miss Layman in second grade, and she let the whole class eat paint.
Well, I have never seen a bigger menace behind the wheel, and that includes after prom when Kevin Martin drove me home with a keg in his lap! I'm going upstairs to recover.
Yeah, and I'm gonna recover, too, with a bottle of this.
Nuh-uh, I'm going commando tonight.
Looks like today's lesson went a little better.
Yeah, it was the best one yet.
I guess you're stuck with me.
Come on.
Wait a minute.
You lured me in here with the promise of moussaka.
I got moussaka- yummy moussaka- right here, all right? But no one's getting any of this till we clear the air.
- I'm not talking to her.
- Well, I'm not talking to her more.
All right, look, if you two guys don't start talking, you're gonna kiss the moussaka goodbye.
- Wait, stop! - All right, all right, all right! - We'll talk.
- Just don't hurt the moussaka.
What the heck happened during that driving lesson, huh? How'd it get so bad? Well, I generously took the afternoon off to teach this one here, and let's just say I was completely calm when I set foot in that car.
- All right, honey, now you see that truck? - Yes.
Okay, now you're gonna pass it on the left, so watch your speed.
Watch my speed? You told me to keep my eyes on the road.
Speed or road, which is it? - You can do both.
- It's too much.
You drive.
Oh! Okay, all right.
You know what? It's gonna be all right.
That is complete and utter fiction.
There are no other cars around.
I don't wanna die in this outfit.
All right, I know what happened here- two women got in the car.
Look, you two just need to share in the responsibility, apologize to each other and move on.
I'm not apologizing.
And I did nothing wrong, but to show that I'm the bigger person, how about this? I will take you for another lesson tomorrow and will fashion myself a dress made out of airbags.
Wait a minute.
I thought you said you would never ever teach Lennox to drive again.
Yeah, well, I also said I'd never drink during the daytime.
Some things are said in anger.
What do you say? I say No, I'll take the bus- forever.
She'll be back.
Trust me.
Lennox is not a bus girl.
One slow, stinky ride past the fish market, she'll come around.
Or maybe Lennox just needs a fresh start.
Maybe she needs a new teacher, somebody a little calmer.
You know, somebody not- well, just not you.
- You? - You got me, baby, use me.
Don't say things like that.
It makes me tummy queasy.
I am a way better driver than you, okay? I mean, I don't like to brag.
- You love to brag.
- No.
No no no.
It sounds like I'm bragging, but really, I'm just telling you how great I am.
These are all just facts.
I am a highly-skilled driver, all right? I even took one of those evasive-action driving courses.
Why, so you can parallel park while the KGB shoots at you? You don't park while they're shooting at you.
You take corners on two wheels.
Look, I have a gift for teaching.
We all have our strengths.
All right? Yours is Sleeping in.
- That's true.
I am great at that.
- Mmm.
But this is not about who's the better teacher.
That's all it's about.
Let's quit the back and forth and just give me the car keys.
No, this is my parenting moment.
I want the joy of teaching Lennox to drive.
- Joy? You guys are both miserable.
- Sure, now.
You know, life's milestones are always misery to go through, but once you get past them, you remember them fondly.
And for moments like that, you don't ask for help from the household staff.
I'm sorry.
"Staff"? Did you just call me the "s" word? Yeah, I have a lot of "s" words for you.
And anyway, trust me, I do not need your help teaching my niece how to drive.
All right, fine, I'll stay out of it.
What other "s" words do you have for me? - How much time you got? - Is one of them "sexy"? Yes yes, that is the one I use the most- that and "sdeluded.
" Hey, Mel.
Wow, you're all dressed up.
Where you heading? Stephanie's picking me up.
We're going estate sale shopping.
You gotta look broke when you're lowballing for grandma's silver.
Jeez, Burke, what's next? You gonna go graveside and yank out some gold teeth? Will you move your car? You're blocking me in.
Here, why don't you just take it? And while y're at it, fill 'er up.
Right away, ma'am.
Yes, after all, I am the staff.
- You like me British? - I barely like you American.
Hey, bud, I know it doesn't matter to you, man, but I got your clean clothes Here.
Hey, Joe, I bet you're wondering what all this is here.
No no, not at all.
I didn't even notice all those pretty ladies shoes that you're playing with.
See, it's just- just kind of a project of mine.
Yeah, taking pictures of your aunt's shoes? Did she ask you to do that? Yeah.
I mean, no.
No, I volunteered.
I'm just taking pictures and putting them on the outside of the boxes so she knows what she has.
So you like playing with ladies' shoes? Organizing them, posing them.
Wearing them? No.
No no no no.
They're much too small.
I could never fit my size 11s into these delicate peep toe pumps.
I'm guessing.
Okay, kid, you know what? I'm just gonna put your laundry down here and I'm gonna just accept you the way that you are.
Thanks, Joe.
Close the door behind you? Oh God, yeah.
Good and tight.
I'll tell you- a few more lessons from me and you're gonna ace your driver's test.
And then when your aunt asks, "how did she do it?" I'm gonna say, "Well, actually, I did it.
" And everybody wins.
How does aunt Mel win? Technically, she doesn't.
Hey, you just passed the house.
Can't we drive around the block just one more time? No, hm-mmm.
No, we have to get home before your aunt does.
Why? Why? Because these are secret lessons.
Secret in what way? Secret from your aunt, 'cause she kind of demanded that I never ever teach you how to drive.
Kind of demanded? You know how competitive she is.
It would kill her to know that I'm doing a much better job than she would.
So we're keeping it a secret, but it's for her.
It's gonna give you great opportunity to practice driving in reverse anyway.
So if she finds out that you're teaching me how to drive, - we're both in trouble? - No, we're not goa a get in trouble, because she's not gonna find out.
Just relax.
Now look, check both mirrors.
Check your blind spots, all right? Watch out for other pedestrians, other cars and mailboxes.
Oh man, I can't believe I killed Mrs.
Roser's mailbox.
Aunt Mel is gonna have my head on a silver platter.
Relax, all right? She doesn't even know where we keep the platters.
- What are we gonna tell her? - We're gonna tell her the truth, all right? We're gonna tell her that I took the car out by myself, and I wasn't looking where I was going, and I ran over a mailbox.
That's not the truth! In 100 years, will it really matter? But if I tell her you did it, she'll know I'm lying.
- How? - 'Cause she knows me.
She can look me in the eyes and detect lying.
It's freaky.
And let me tell you, it has really hurt me socially.
All right, fine, I'll do the talking.
Just back me up.
Silently, right? With no eye contact? Yes, silently, okay? Just try to look innocent, and I'll try to look like I made a big mistake.
I don't have a lot of practice with that, but I'll give it my best shot.
- Hey, guys.
- Oh my God, oh my God! - What? - I look guilty already and I reek of deception! Lennox, you don't look- where are you- Ta-Da! Look what someone couldn't take to heaven.
Certainly gonna make this place look like hell.
It's so ugly, it's gotta be worth something.
Yeah, care for a glass of wine? I care deeply.
Whoa, wait a minute.
This is the $18 bottle.
What's wrong? Yeah, you start sipping and I'll start talking, okay? It's good, isn't it? Take- take just a little more of that, yeah.
Okay, so look, here's the deal.
I took your car to the hardware store and had a little accident.
And I ran over Mrs.
Roser's mailbox.
Oh my God.
How's my car? I'm fine.
Thank you.
Look, the car's fine.
It's got a little dent in the rear fender, okay? It's hardly noticeable and the car's completely drivable.
So that evasive driving course you took didn't prepare you for the danger of a stationary mailbox? Yeah, I guess not.
I'm gonna fix the dent, though, and buy a new mailbox.
So are we good? Not yet.
I still need you to do one tiny thing - to help me get over this.
- Name it.
Say I'm a better driver than you.
It was an accident.
It could have happened to anybody.
Yeah, but it didn't.
It happened to you because I wasn't paying attention.
And that makes Mel - A better driver - Than Joe.
It doesn't really count unless you say it altogether.
- Mel's a better driver than Joe.
- Mmm.
This chardonnay pairs well with humiliation.
Hey, slow down, sport.
You're coming to a door.
Ryder, very nice work on my shoes.
Now that the job's done, can you sign this form for school? Wait a minute.
Wait, this shoe project took you, what, 10 hours? Yeah, your school requires a full legitimate 20 hours.
Can't fake this.
It's community service.
I photographed a closetful of shoes.
My hands smell like feet.
What more do you want? have to go through all my garments.
You know, check everything for holes, tears, rips, snags and runs.
Oh, and pay special attention to the pantyhose.
Pantyhose? Joe already saw me photographing your shoes.
He thinks that, um- God knows what he thinks.
Then keep this on the down low.
You know, the less Joe knows about our little arrangement, the better.
He'll never understand how this is true community service.
I'm a little fuzzy on that, too.
Any time I'm not wasting in my closet, I can be serving the people of Toledo.
You know, every snag and tear that you find is another constituent email answered or a curb repainted.
So by digging through your underwear drawer, I'm serving the greater good? Finally, someone understands.
Lennox, it's fine.
No, that's it, Joe.
No more secret driving lessons.
It's too risky.
You did great, though.
You were like a pro out there.
I mean, you didn't hit a single thing.
Yeah, but Aunt Mel saw us.
- No, she didn't.
- Yes, she did.
- I swear that was her car that we passed.
- That was not her car.
There are thousands of cars out there that look just like that, that are being poorly driven by blonde-haired women.
- I can't do this any more.
- How are you gonna learn how to drive, huh? Maybe I won't.
I just know she's gonna find out.
She is not gonna find out.
You are giving your aunt way too much credit, all right? If she knew half the stuff that I got away with- I mean, "Yeah, Mel, mm-hmm, I caught that rat up in the attic "and I let it go free in the wild, and I know tonight it's at home "having a nice dinner with his wife and kids.
" Relax, all right? In a couple weeks, it's all gonna be over and you're gonna pass that test.
Oh, what test? - Um - The math test.
She's got a math test with numbers and shapes and whatnot.
Oh, I didn't know you had a test coming up.
I do.
I do.
I swear I do.
Yep, just don't look at me! I have to go study! Stop asking me questions about math! She's 16 years old.
Will you just let her have her own math life, please? I think this is about something else entirely.
What? No.
I bet she's still upset about that debacle of a driving lesson we had.
You're right.
You know what? You are absolutely right.
That's what it's about, 100%.
You.
Cannot get anything by Mel Burke.
Mrs.
Roser, I'm so sorry.
I've been meaning to come over and offer my condolences for your mailbox.
Why didn't you? Well, because I have, you know, like, a life.
I don't.
That's why I'm here.
Nice place.
I've only ever seen it through your mail slot.
That's not creepy.
Anyway, I'm really sorry and I wanna pay for the damages.
Your houseboy brought over a check, but it's for the wrong amount.
It's not $50.
It's $150.
For that piece of Americana? Let me just write you another check.
And you should think twice before letting Mr.
muscles give your niece another driving lesson.
Clearly, he has no idea what he's doing.
Lennox was driving? When she wasn't crashing.
And Joe was teaching? If you could call it that.
Don't you have a clue what goes on in your house? Apparently I don't.
Ryder, look what your aunt got you, buddy.
It's not what it looks like, really.
You know what, dude? You really- you really got start locking this door.
Hey, so I just found out that after dinner, your aunt has a city council meeting, so what do you say you get behind the wheel again? We do a little freeway? How does that sound? How are you so calm about this? I'm freaking out, but it's almost like you're enjoying the lie.
I am a little.
No, I'm sorry.
I am a lot.
Look, just do what I do and act natural, okay? Right.
Hey, Lennox.
Slippery silverware.
Sorry.
That's okay, honey.
It's a perfectly normal thing to do, you know, to get all jumpy when somebody just says hi.
Will you pull yourself together, please? But she knows.
She knows! She doesn't know anything.
Hey, listen, honey, I was thinking after dinner, maybe we could take a driving lesson.
I thought you had a meeting tonight.
No no, the meeting was cancelled.
Yeah, funny, some people knew about it for days and kept it from me.
They knew the truth and they didn't tell me.
Don't you hate that? Don't you find that hurtful? Maybe they wanted to tell you the truth, but they were forbidden.
Or maybe they did it because it was the best thing for everybody.
You know what? I can't take you out driving.
My car's not here.
It's getting repaired.
Yeah, you know what? Let me know how much it costs to bang out that ding? Yeah, it's not a ding.
It's more than a ding, Joe.
- It's a dong.
- What? Yeah, my mechanic said that little accident you had knocked the rear axle completely out of alignment.
Says it's gonna cost $3,000 to repair it.
- $3,000? - Yeah.
Three and then thousand.
But that's what Joe makes in, like, 10 years.
Thank you, Lennox.
Look, you know what? This is my problem.
So let me handle this, okay? Why don't you go in the other room here and I'll take care of this by myself.
Thank you.
- Joe, it's not fair.
- I know.
Life's not fair, sweetie.
Thank you.
All right, so look, you know, I'll pay for the whole $3,000.
No, Joe, you know what? You could have lied.
You could have told me that the car got hit by someone else in a parking lot, but you didn't.
You were honest with me, and I wanna pay for it, okay, good Joe.
Honest Joe.
No, I don't really feel right about that.
No, I'll pay you back, okay? Hundred bucks a week for 30 weeks.
Doesn't seem very fair.
I mean, won't you owe me interest, too? for 40 weeks.
And I'll need a rental car while it's getting repaired - and I like a sunroof.
- 50 weeks, okay? It was me! I was the one driving.
I killed that mailbox.
Joe took me out for secret lessons! Oh my God.
All this studying is making her insane.
Go upstairs, will you, Lennox? - That one is- - Joe.
Mrs.
Roser told me the truth.
Mrs.
Roser? You're gonna believe Mrs.
Roser? That woman watches me clean through the mail slot.
Okay, no changing the subject.
I asked you to do me one little favor.
I asked you not to teach Lennox to drive.
How hard is it to not do something? What's the big deal? You teach her, the better guy teaches her- as long as she passes the test.
No, that's not what this is about! What the hell is it about then? It's- it's- you wouldn't understand.
This is why you gotta lie.
Hey, what's going on, Burke? Nothing.
Burke.
Burke.
We're not married.
You can't give me the silent treatment.
Is it about the rat? Look, I was very kind.
He didn't feel a thing.
You know who taught me how to drive, Joe? Charles, my father's chauffeur.
"Well done, Miss Burke.
Very nice job, Miss Burke.
That was a pedestrian, Miss Burke.
" And when we were done, Charles tipped his hat and asked me to sign his timecard.
Dad made the staff teach you how to drive? That's a little cold.
I just wanted to give Lennox the memory of learning to drive from a loving relative, something I wish someone had done for me.
Why didn't you tell me that from the beginning? If I had known that, I wouldn't have swept in there and taken away your moment.
- Now I feel like a total- - Wad.
- Well, I mean- - Jerk.
- Dipstick.
- Hey, Burke.
I appreciate the apology, but look, as parentalish units, we have to be completely honest with each other.
We can't be sneaking around.
Wait a minute.
Back up, back up.
You just called me "A parentalish unit.
" When did I get promoted from household staff? You're more than staff.
You're staff-plus.
You know, you're basically my co-parent person.
Co-parent? That's pretty good.
Not gonna put that on my resume or anything.
And as co-parents, you can't be doing things behind my back.
From now on, you can only do things to my front.
I just got a little sick right there.
You know what I mean- no more secrets.
I got it, okay? Hey, if you're interested, I actually made another moussaka and I hid it in the vegetable crisper.
We have a vegetable crisper? Yeah, it's the little drawer at the bottom of the fridge.
Oh, the bacon holder.
All done, Aunt Mel.
I never want my arm inside your pantyhose again.
Because I'm more of a shoe man myself.
- What's going on here? - We have- we just- what is it we have, Ryder? Not community service, that's for sure.
Give me this.
"Dear Grant High Administration," Ryder Scanlon has completed 20 hours of volunteer community service to the city of Toledo.
"Authorized by the Honorable Mel Burke.
" So cataloguing shoes and organizing pantyhose - is community service? - Let me see that.
Yeah, it says it is.
See, if she doesn't have to spend time in her closet, then curbs get painted and Toledo wins.
- She explains it better.
- Thanks, Ryder.
I'm gonna go upstairs now because my hours are done.
No more secrets, huh? Starting Now.
Hey, how was your driving lesson with Aunt Mel? Good! Good.
Hardly anything happened.
- By the way, is Joe around? - No, I think he went to the gym.
Did he now? We're good! You tell anybody what you saw here today, you'll wind up like this sign.
- Wow, good going, Lennox.
- Hey, I wasn't the one driving.
I wouldn't have hit the sign if you hadn't been shouting at me.
I was shouting "look out for the stop sign!" Can you help us carry this to the garage? We're gonna wrap it in an oriental rug and bury it so Joe will never know.
Joe will never know what? Will never know how much I value him as a co-parent.
Please accept this keychain as a token of my esteem.