Mork and Mindy (1978) s02e11 Episode Script
Mork vs. The Necrotons
MORK: Nanu, nanu.
( upbeat theme playing ) ( upbeat theme playing ) ( indistinct chatter ) Boy, Nelson, what a turnout.
I'm really impressed.
I'm really shocked.
They came because my advisor here delivered my message to the people.
Yeah.
And his message was, he was paying for lunch.
( laughs ) Here's what it comes to.
Fine.
I'll pay you next week.
Next week? Sure.
You can trust me.
You have my word as a politician.
Drop those forks.
Kitchen's closed.
Take that wiener out of your mouth.
Hi.
Sorry I'm late.
I was out polling the neighborhood.
Why are you so out of breath? Well, it was a Gallup Poll.
He's all yours.
Well, did you get a good cross section? I didn't want to discourage you, so I just polled your friends.
Must have been, uh, pretty one-sided.
Yeah, it doesn't look good.
Nelson, don't you think you should start your speech? Oh, yes.
Uh, Mork, would you mind introducing me to the general electorate? Is he here? I love what he does with refrigerators.
( chuckling ): I get it.
Yeah.
Ah! Ladies and gentlemen, please! Can we have a moment here for your attention? Thank you.
I'd like to introduce a man that flattened me and my dreams, and a man who will flatten your dreams too.
Let's bring him up here.
Nelson Flavor, the albino wonder.
Come on.
Bring him up here! ( all applaud ) ( whistling ) Thank you.
Thank you.
Come on, now.
Here we go.
No pictures, please.
It hurts his little, pink eyes.
Come on.
Let's move.
Thank you.
Good morning all you over-18ers, and welcome.
( ringing ) Come on, Mork.
I can't help it, Mindy.
I got this ringing in my mouth.
As I was saying, ahem ( ringing ) Do something about it.
I think Orson's trying to call me, Min.
( ringing ) Excuse me.
Mork, why are you ringing? Because my knocker's broke.
Well, since you're the sergeant at arms, why don't you throw yourself out? It would be my pleasure.
Will you come with me? Will you call my lawyer, Mindy? Come on.
Listen to me Let go of me.
( chuckles ) ORSON: Orson calling Mork.
Come in, Mork.
Orson calling Mork.
Come in, Mork.
Oh, yo, sir.
What's up? You never used the day rates before.
We've got big trouble.
Right here in Boulder City? Mork, this is deadly serious.
A spaceship from the planet Necroton landed on Earth.
Oh, no, not the Necrotons.
Our archenemies? No, they're a hockey team.
Of course they're our archenemies.
Oh, good retort, sir.
That's one for you, eight million for me.
This is no time to be cute.
They're after you.
Me? Why me, sir? Because you're there.
They want to know what you know about Earth to see if it's worth conquering.
But I I don't know anything about them.
What do they look like? I don't know.
No one's ever seen one and lived.
For all I know, they could look like anything from a human to a wedge of Velveeta.
Thanks a lot, sir.
That narrows it down to everything.
Fortunately, it's a limited threat.
The Necrotons can only survive in Earth's atmosphere for 24 hours.
All you have to do is what any patriotic Orkan would do in a time of war.
Hide.
Exactly.
Sir.
Just remember, not only is your life in danger, but the lives of every Earthling.
Well, too bad you're not here, your tubby-tude.
We could all hide behind you.
Nanu, nanu.
Necrotons.
Ha-ha! I'm not afraid of them.
So in conclusion, I want you to remember my campaign theme: A vote for Nelson Flavor is a vote for me.
MAN: Hear, hear.
( all applaud ) ( indistinct chatter ) Mo Mork! Min, I was working on my impression of a turtle.
What is the matter with you, Mork? I mean, you've been weird before, but never this weird.
Orson said the Necrotons have landed and I've gotta hide.
The Necrotons have landed.
Of course.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about our archenemies.
They're here, but I don't know what they look like.
They could be anything.
They could even pose as food.
Hey, Mork, you want a snack? ( shrieks ) What did you do that for? It was self-defense.
Uh, he's not feeling too well.
Yeah, well, neither is my antipasto.
I'll send her a card.
Min! Min, they could be posing as anything.
That That might be the mothership.
( suspenseful theme playing ) Mork? Mork, are you home? Mork? ( Mork shrieks ) ( screams ) What? Mork! Min, it's all right for me to sit on my face, but I don't think you can.
Will you get out of there? You can't hide in there.
Now, will you tell me what is going on here? Well, all right, but I gotta make it real quick.
( mumbling rapidly ) Now, what would you do in this situation? I would slow down and speak more clearly so I could understand.
All right.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was just a little panicked.
Here's the straight poop.
Well, you know, the Necrotons are the scourge of the universe.
Now, you know that Orkans have emotions.
Well, Necrotons only have three emotions: Hate, lust, and greed.
No love? No way.
And ever since I can remember, Ork has been at war with them.
But I thought all Orkans were pacifists.
We are.
That's why every time we go to war, we have to go into hiding.
Claude Rains would be one of our national heroes.
Now, you see, all we have to do is hide long enough, then they get tired, and they go away.
Huh.
Well, what do they want with you? Well, I think they want my reports to Orson.
You see, they want to find out whether Earth is worth destroying or not.
( gasps ): They want to destroy the Earth? Why? Well, I guess it keeps them busy, Min.
I don't know.
Well, I got to find someplace to hide, Min.
Yeah, but No, I can't hide in there.
I've been out of the closet for a year now.
Yes! I'll use one of your dresses.
Mm-hm.
Hm-hm! I'll go incognito.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Why? Why are you taking my dress? What better way to hide than your dress? You know, hiding is a drag.
Well, Min, where did you put those tapes of Ethel Merman Sings Led Zeppelin? Mork, where are you gonna go? I don't know.
I mean, someplace where no one ever goes.
The frozen tundra, the barren desert, a Mike Curb rally.
Isn't there anything I can do to help? Oh, don't worry.
Necrotons can't breathe Earth's atmosphere for more than 24 hours.
I mean, I'll be back tomorrow, unless, well Unless they find me.
But what'll they do if they catch you? Well, people who have dealt with Necrotons have a saying: ( Screams ) No, wait.
Wait a minute, Mork.
Look at it this way.
I mean, there's over that live here in Boulder, and And so they'd never find you if you just stayed here.
Good old logical Min, you old palooka.
You're right.
I mean, the odds of them finding me here in this particular room in the next 24 hours are ( imitates computer hum ) Three hundred and sixty-two million to one.
See? ( Chuckles ) ( screams ) ( suspenseful theme playing ) Must be my lucky day.
MORK: Oh.
Einstein was right, Min.
Space is curved.
I am Captain Nirvana of the Necroton black army.
Kama, Sutra, fall in.
Orkan, you have exactly five seconds to get your meaningless life together in one bucket.
Min, those are Necrotons.
They're as mean as they are ugly.
MORK: No, stay away.
Stay back.
Ah.
I'm going to get all the information you have out of your little pea-brain.
It's up to you, bright eyes.
It can come out of your mouth, or I'll, uh, suck it out your ear.
They mean business, Min.
Hope this room is Scotchgarded.
Mork, do something.
I am, Min.
I'm shaking as fast as I can.
You can't just barge in here and suck out his brain.
( laughs ) Orkan, curb your pet.
Pet? Min, Min, heel, girl.
Heel.
Heel.
Heel.
Don't worry about them.
I'll guard us with a force field.
( squeals ) ( laughs ) See that, Min? She's frozen in her tracks.
She won't thaw for months.
( gasps ) Is it spring already? Your silly, little Orkan weapons are useless against us.
Mork, run for it! Silence the pet.
I'll pet you, you bimbo! ( pulsing tone ) Mork, I'm trapped! Oh.
It's not that bad.
We'll have her housebroken in a month or so.
Come on.
Let her go, please! Private, the transinducer.
The pink one? Or the yellow? Oh, just give me one, you twit.
All right, you cute, little hot potato, you are going to be under my power.
Ha-ha! I'm afraid you've underestimated the incredible, hulking will of an Orkan.
I scoff at your sparkling balls.
Ah! Bachelor number one, if we were to go Tijuana All right, take him to the spacecraft.
( Mork mumbles ) ( chuckles ) Aw, don't worry about your master.
He's gonna be just fine in our little torture chamber.
( gasps ) Hm.
Must be the runt of the litter.
( suspenseful theme playing ) ( upbeat theme playing ) ( high-pitched whirring ) ( whirring decreases ) ( whirring fades ) ( gasps ) That was good.
I never knew you had a talent for pantomime.
No, uh, Mork I Uh Nelson, you gotta help me.
Uh, Mork was kidnapped.
Kidnapped? Yeah! They, uh They came in here, and they blew the door off the wall, and then they carried him away.
Dastardly! Who did it? Three gorgeous, voluptuous women.
That'd get my goat.
No! No.
They They're vicious and violent, and they're gonna do something awful to him.
Like what? Well Um I can't tell you.
Could you act it out? Oh! Oh, Nelson, I don't know what to do.
Nobody's supposed to know.
This is no stranger here.
This is Nelson talking.
First cousin, same flesh.
Hey, hey, hey, remember when we were kids and I confided to you that I put the goldfish in Mom's clam chowder? Hm? Well, you owe me one.
You're not gonna believe me anyway.
If you want me to help you, you've gotta level with me.
Oh, all right.
Um uh Mork was kidnapped by three creatures from this planet called Necroton, who came to Earth to suck out his brain and to And to invade To destroy our entire planet.
( whimpers ) You can tell Mom about the fish in the chowder.
Ooh! Nelson, it's true! I was trapped behind a force field right here, Well, somewhere, but But it was here.
And then this Mindy, I understand.
It's not easy being a single woman in the Now Generation.
You've got career versus marriage, tradition versus liberation, pregnancy versus being careful.
Nelson! The stress is too much, isn't it? I'm telling you the truth.
Stress can do funny things, like put the door on the couch.
Remember how Mom used to bend spoons? She'd bend them and bend them and bend them Nelson! Look, I mean, you know me.
I'm I'm good old logical, reliable Mindy.
I wouldn't make up something like this.
All right.
I'll help you.
You will? First, we'll get you to a nice home in the country, far away from the urban hubbub.
Why? For your mental and my political health.
I'll pay for everything.
Are you saying that I'm crazy? Well, Mindy, "crazy" is a relative term.
And as Jimmy probably said of brother Billy, "Why my relative?" ( upbeat theme playing ) ( pulsating noise ) NECROTON LEADER: Just think, we wouldn't have even known of the existence of Earth if we hadn't found those two Bogart films when we pillaged the planet Ovits.
Have they been much help to you? Not much, sir.
You see, it's not accurate information.
First of all, the Earth isn't even in black and white.
Then it's essential we capture the Orkan for the information.
Yes.
I've already done so, sir.
In fact, he's in the spaceship right now.
Excellent.
You must extract every report he's ever made to his home planet.
I hope you can handle this, Captain Nirvana.
Yes, sir.
I appreciate your confidence in me, sir.
I have no confidence in you.
The only reason you got the assignment is everyone else is out with the flu.
Well, uh Uh, don't worry.
I won't let you down.
As they say on Earth, "Here's looking at you, kid.
" ( computer beeps ) Private Kama, bring in the prisoner.
Oh, I can handle this.
I know I can.
( door hisses open ) ( moaning ) Aah! Oh! ( moaning ) Why are you making all those noises? We haven't even done anything yet.
I know that.
I'm trying to make you feel guilty.
It's an old Jewish trick.
( door hisses ) All right, smart guy, turn around.
Hands in the air.
What are you gonna do to me? Why, I'm going to search you for secret weapons.
( moans ) Nothing here.
Turn around.
( moans ) ( bell rings ) Ooh! Oh! You seem to have rung my bells.
What are you hiding in your pocket? Is that a secret weapon? No, harmless stuff.
I'm just glad to be here.
No No, uh, it It's a yo-yo.
Yo-yo.
Oh, yes.
We We have something like this on our planet, but without the string.
How do you get it to come back? Well, we don't.
It's never been a big seller.
Oh, and here's something very special.
This is chewing gum.
Yes, we have that on Necroton.
You put it in your mouth and you chew.
Your mouth? Uh, well, I suppose that would work too.
You're not gonna get anything out of me! I'm never gonna tell you anything! We'll see.
Ar-ar-ar! What would you say if I told you that we're going to put you on a rack and stretch your body till your tiny, little bones crack? I'd love it.
I'd look like Tommy Tune.
All right, then, maybe I'll just hang you up by your feet until your spleen slips out your nose.
Just so happens that's a hobby of mine.
Then you're gonna love it when I wrap a rope around your neck and start your head up like an outboard motor.
Ha-ha! That old Orkan party trick? Of course you don't realize that we Orkans scoff at pain.
Ar-ar-ar-ar-ar! All right, the jig is up.
( beeping ) NIRVANA: You'll spill your guts now.
Oh, no! A torture chamber.
The ultimate Ramada Inn! I've gotta get out of here! Oh, no, the Supremes! We know one thing about you little, sissy Orkans, and that is you can't stand any intensive physical pleasure.
Ha-ha! We'll have you moaning for mercy.
MORK: Oh, no.
No! ( mellow music playing ) Romantic music, soft lighting.
Oh, no! Not the hot tub! Not the hot tub! Yes.
Get behind the modesty screen and drop 'em.
You'll never get away with this.
If I don't come home, every cop in Boulder will be on your tail.
What's a supper? What's a cop? What's a Boulder? What's the difference? ( sighs ) How should we start? Maybe we should rub him down with baby oil.
Baby oil? No, no.
That'll leave a slick in the hot tub.
What are you doing? Well, I'm stalling for time.
Snap it up.
I have a planet to destroy.
MORK: All right.
I'm Uh, suspenders.
( chuckles ) Moral support.
Pants.
( snapping ) ( panting ): Hold on.
Okay ( muttering ) Are you finished? Well, I think so.
Then haul it out here, toots.
Why aren't you naked? Well, I am.
This is just a tattoo.
All right, you Orkan dog I'm not an Orkan dog! They have three legs and fall over every fourth step.
Why don't you save yourself a lot of pleasure, hm? Talk.
Never! Never! My Earth files are top-secret.
All right.
Kama, Sutra, sic him.
( as Mr.
Bill ): Oh, no, Mr.
Bill! Oh! Listen, wait a minute! Under the Jupiter Convention I'm entitled to one last meal.
Well, all right.
What would you like? Something to go.
No! No! I'll never tell you anything! Tickle him.
( laughing ) ( snaps ) Oh! Hm.
I must say he has a lot more spunk than I gave him credit for.
Let's just get right to the A stuff and throw him in the hot tub.
No! No! No, these are my new tennies! No! No! ( shrieking ) Ah, I love my work.
What's in that? Bubble bath.
Oh! ( wailing ) Oh, you're cruel! Sutra, blow in his ear.
No! No! Kama, darling, kiss his little neck.
No! Don't leave a mark.
Oh! Oh! Now, hold him down.
I want to read to him.
Oh, reading can't hurt me.
I've been to Evelyn Wood.
Oh, no? What about smutty limericks? No, you're despicable! You're despicable! There once was a lady From Nezzum.
Whose butt was as big No! No! ( gasps ) Yeah! Hey! That was a library book.
We're wasting time, Your Highness.
The Orkan doesn't seem to be breaking.
Yes.
Put him on the trembler.
No! No one has ever been able to endure that.
What's a trembler? The doomsday machine.
( beeps ) Oh, no, magic fingers.
( beeps ) He'll talk now.
( moans ) Oh, think bowling.
Think bowling.
Think baseball.
Think Tom Snyder.
He's formed a mental block.
We can't break through.
He's tougher and smarter than I thought.
There's only one way to break through.
Leave him alone with me.
( snaps fingers ) ( door hisses ) ( beeps ) I'm sorry you did that.
I forgot to close my eyes.
Oh, you've been through such a lot.
Oh, yeah.
War is hell, isn't it? Oh, you poor thing.
You know, this is very hard for a Necroton to say, but, well, I I'm I'm really sorry.
Oh, I thought being a Necroton meant never having to say sorry.
But you don't understand.
This is my last chance.
If I don't suck out your brain and destroy the Earth, well, I'm I'm ( whimpers ): I'm gonna lose my job.
Oh, you poor kid.
I'm sorry I was such a pillar of strength.
And those vultures are just waiting for me to slip up so that they can come in and move into my boots.
Oh, gee, I I didn't know mindless destruction was such a competitive field.
You know, sometimes Sometimes I just wanna chuck the whole thing and kidnap a family I could call my own.
Oh.
I hate to see a barbarian unemployed.
Tell you what.
I'll tell you everything I know.
Oh.
How can I ever thank you? Well, a simple goodbye would be nice.
Just give me any little old piece of secret information that you have for my report.
For instance, these people, the Americans, who is their leader? Well, they've been trying to figure that one out for years.
Um, they pick a new leader, though, every four years.
How do they do that? With a wet T-shirt contest.
What are the duties of this leader? Well, every spring he throws out the first baseball.
After that, he throws out his cabinet.
And he tries to make everything perfectly clear, except for the atmosphere and the water.
And in cases of national emergency, he takes immediate action and books himself a trip overseas.
Well, all leaders are alike, but what about the people? Tell me about the people.
You want to know about all of them? Uh-huh.
All right.
I guess I better start with the A's.
First of all, there's Aaron Ackalala.
He was born in Hawaii.
He has two children, Allen and Arthur.
Allen has a tattoo on his forearm of Jack Lord with the inscription, "Why'd you leave the show, Danno?" And his And his favorite quotation is ( imitates luau music ) His other son now raises herbs on Maui.
Uh, how many people are there on this planet? Well, four billion, and would you believe it? They all sleep laying down.
But to really understand this planet, you must participate in one of their sacred Earth rituals.
It's entitled Simon Says.
You must do everything that Simon says.
I'm ready.
All right.
Simon says close your eyes.
Simon says spin around twice.
Simon says take one step up.
What's the object of this game? To win.
Simon says you lose.
Oh! Why, you dirty rat! You'll never get away with this.
Oh! Nanu.
A privilege dealing with you.
Come back here! ( snickers ) ( as Bogart ): So long, sweetheart.
Don't take wooden dollars.
( normal voice ): Yeah, that's right.
Let me go! Unhand me! Kama, Sutra, help! ( door hisses ) Oh! Aah! ( beeps ) What happened? Oh, I just accidentally backed into the machine.
Where's the Orkan? Oh, he just accidentally ran out the door.
Uh, but we'll catch him again.
Don't worry.
Anyway, I've got some really juicy information that I That I know will please our leader.
( sighs ) ( beeps ) ( tape rewinding ) NECROTON LEADER: Fool, you blew it again.
It's all meaningless drivel.
The Orkan has tricked you.
But I tortured him all over the place.
Let me talk to him.
Well, he, uh He ran away, but But we'll get him back.
You imbecilia, Orkans are the best hiders in the universe.
You'll never catch him now that he knows you're after him.
I have a plan.
Oh, boy, do I have a plan.
Uh, I'm gonna make him come to me.
You better, captain, or you'll be space dust.
( computer beeps ) What are you going to do? He seemed very attached to his pet.
Yes, I believe he called it "Mindy.
" Catch her.
Bring her here.
We're gonna have a lot of fun.
I think I'll keep her little foot for my key chain.
( suspenseful theme playing ) ( upbeat theme playing ) KAMA: Captain Nirvana! Captain Nirvana! What took you so long? Well, the pet was a little hard to handle.
It bites.
Bite me and I'll remove your cheeks.
Leave us alone.
Who do you think you are? I mean, you You break down my door, you mess up my house, you kidnap my best friend and And now you threaten my cheeks? I mean, you're pushing me too far.
Well, if you think you're pushed too far, my job's on the line.
Oh, I never wanted to be in the military in the first place.
For one thing, you have to wear these drab uniforms.
I don't know.
I mean, who could look good in this? The bass player from Kiss? Will you get in the cage? Wait, wait Wait a minute.
Uh, uh, maybe you and I could be friends.
Friends? Yeah.
Like, if we were friends, we'd do nice things for each other, like, uh, I might lend you my best purse, and you might not kill me.
Well, it's a cute idea, but I don't think it'll catch on.
No, no, wait! Think about it.
I'll bet you deep down inside, you and I are a lot alike.
I doubt it.
Uh, what do you plan to do with me? Well, I haven't made up my mind yet, but right now I need you for bait for your master.
He is not my master.
And how do you even know he's gonna come here? Well, I don't know.
It's just a hunch.
But I got a feeling he's got a yen for you.
( clicks tongue ) It's called friendship, but obviously you wouldn't understand.
Well, whatever.
But what is it? You've never had a friend? Well, I I once felt something for a man named Torga from the planet Lepto.
Torga from Lepto? You know him? No.
Just the name.
Oh.
Well, anyway, he was Well, he was a wonderful kind of guy.
I mean, he had long, beautiful hair and a flowing red beard.
He was He was, well, so nice and warm.
Really? Whatever happened to him? I had him made into a jacket.
And there's something about Mork too.
Of course, he wouldn't make a very good jacket, but I like him anyway.
Well, if you like him so much, why don? Why don't you just let him go? Oh, well, it's strictly business.
You see, after I get all the information out of him, maybe I won't destroy him.
Maybe I'll take him home with me and donate him to the zoo.
Yeah, but if you do that, you might as well kill him.
Okay.
Now, will you get in the cage? I'm not getting in that cage.
How would you like to get into something a little more comfortable, like thumbscrews? If you need me, I'll be on my perch.
( dramatic theme playing ) MORK: Mindy? Where are you? Min! Min! ( groans ) "While you were out.
" How nice.
"Dear Orkan swine, we have captured your pet.
"If you value your life, give yourself up.
"Otherwise, we'll realign her head, "steam-clean her thighs, and rotate her limbs.
Yours truly, Nirvana.
" Now, just remain calm.
Deep breathing.
( short, shallow breaths ) Remain calm.
Mork.
Nelson! Oh, Nelson, they got Mindy! I was gonna get her and rescue her, but now it's too late! It's my fault! It's my fault! ( sobbing ) Hey, easy, easy, easy.
That's better.
( sobs ) Nice outfit you got there.
Pretty boss threads.
I told Mindy you'd be back.
( laughing ): You're not gonna believe this.
You know what she said? She said that you ( laughing ): Were captured by three gorgeous women from another planet.
( laughing ) By the way, where were you? I was captured by gorgeous women from another planet.
( laughing ) You crazy nut! Where's Mindy? She was captured by three gorgeous girls BOTH: From another planet! ( both laugh ) I get it! I get it! The two of you are in this together, right? ( laughing ) No, no, no.
Nelson, no! It's true! They captured me, and they took me to their spaceship.
Then they forced me to undress and sit in a hot tub with all of them.
A hot tub! ( laughing ) I get it.
Candid Camera, right? I heard it was coming back on.
Okay, Allen Funt, come out wherever you are.
Oh, you're too much.
Well, goodbye, Mork.
Goodbye, Mr.
Funt.
Let me know when I'm on.
Hi, Mom.
Three gorgeous girls from another ( upbeat theme playing ) MINDY ( gasping ): Mork! Min! Shh! You shouldn't have come here.
I couldn't leave you alone.
Oh, but Mork.
I'm only one person.
If they catch you, the whole world is in danger.
I'm gonna get you out of here, and if not, I've got a backup plan.
What is it? Remember how I told you that the Necrotons are biodegradable.
They can only last on Earth for 24 hours, and after that, well, bing! And by my calculations, they only have a few minutes left.
Yeah? Yeah.
Well, all we have to do is just stall.
Hiya, toots.
Hiya, boots.
Well, I see my plan worked.
I am executive timber.
I hope you get executive termites.
Not nice.
All right.
I surrender.
Let Mindy go.
Ha! Not a chance.
But we made a bargain.
So sue me.
There's something so nice about omnipotence.
( gagging ) Ew! ( Gagging coughs ) What's wrong with him? Uh, he's He's got something caught in his throat, and he'll die unless you help him.
Oh, I need his brain.
I better cut his head off.
Oh Oh, I don't know what you did, but you saved me.
Enough of your cheap Orkan tricks.
Now, get in the cage before I forget I'm a lady.
Uh, all right.
I didn't want to do this, but according to cosmic rules, and those dictated by Prime Minister Fluffy, I hereby challenge you to a holotecker.
Ha! Sissy stuff.
I mean, if you really want a duel, let's go all the way.
The Battle of the Rose.
Uh-uh.
Not the Battle of the Rose.
( snaps ) What's the Battle of the Rose? The greatest mental challenge in the universe, Min.
Those with the strongest will get to keep the rose.
This will be easier than Bobbing for Martians.
( sighs ) All right, who starts? I'll flip you for it.
Whoa! Ugh! Captain Nirvana seems to have won the toss.
He has elected to receive.
It's time to begin the game with a play-by-play now.
Five yards this way.
Good luck to the both of you.
( strained grunt ) ( hisses ) ( Mork muttering ) ( grunts ) ( tango theme playing ) ( upbeat big band theme playing ) ( "Tea for Two" playing ) ( upbeat rock 'n' roll theme plays ) ( upbeat groovy theme playing ) Ha-ha! You're pretty hot stuff, but I won.
I've got the rose.
Ha-ha! But I won.
You're out of air and time.
Four, three, two, one.
Ha-ha! You're gone.
Adiós.
Huevos rancheros, albóndigas, and anon.
What are you talking about? Well, you should have deteriorated, but You're still here.
You only had 24 hours.
Oh, those were Necroton hours.
MINDY: Oh, excuse me.
Roughly how long is that on Earth? Nine hundred years.
Boy, if I'd known that, I would have paced myself.
( dramatic theme playing ) ( humming "Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen" ) Oh, come on, Min.
Cheer up.
Hey, I'll give you a ride.
It was only a girl In a gilded cage Mork.
Sorry, Min.
Stop trying to cheer me up.
Yeah, I know.
It's kind of hard to frolic in the face of doom.
You know, I've been thinking about all the things that have happened to me since I've met you.
Well, one thing for sure, I never thought I'd end up sitting in a birdcage waiting for my brains to be sucked out by Necrotons.
Well, look on the bright side.
You still have your health.
Mork, you know, you You didn't have to come back and risk your life to save me, but you did.
Thanks.
Yeah, but I kind of botched up.
Because if I'd done the right thing, you'd be safe in your own home when they destroyed the Earth.
I guess we've had a full life.
I only wish I had gotten to meet Anson Williams.
Mork, there's something that I've been wanting to tell you for a long time, but I just couldn't.
Oh, what is it, Min? Well, one time when you weren't home, I put on your spacesuit.
The helmet too? Boots and all.
Are you mad? No.
I have a confession to make to you too.
Well, one time when you weren't home, I held your blow dryer and jumped up and down on your bed.
Are you mad? No.
I guess we've done it all.
Okay, Morky, it's time to get your brain sucked.
Oh! Goodbye, Mork.
( whimpers ) Goodbye, brains.
Hello, Larry.
Yaddy-yaddy, warden! Oh, Mork! Top of the world, Min! Top of the world, Mindy! Oh.
Is this thing gonna hurt? Oh, no.
I won't feel a thing.
No, no.
I meant me.
Well, you tremendously.
Oh.
Comfy? What? It would have been easier if you'd talked.
But since we can't trust you, we'll have to take out your brain and squeeze out the information.
What? Sutra.
Activate the extractor.
( machine pulsing ) All right, I'll take it from here.
Prepare the ship for takeoff.
And check to see if the cookies are done.
Oh, Mork, Mork.
Boxing have been good to me, Howard.
Oh! It's too late.
Oh! It's not in there.
I think it in my ear.
( mumbles incoherently ) Whew! Uh, that was close.
Oh, I'm so glad you're all right.
Well, I I thought you wanted to suck out my brains, put them in that little jar over there for the winter.
NIRVANA: Oh, no, Mork.
That was just to pretend for those two Those two barracudas.
You see, ever since I danced the tango with you, well, Well, I felt something I never felt before.
What was that? Lack of hate.
Well, you know what they say.
"Lack of hate is a many splendored thing.
" Oh, Mork, Mork.
If anyone on my planet knew what I was feeling now, well, I'd be vaporized.
But, somehow, ever since I met you, I've discovered there's a woman inside of me.
Oh, yes.
I can see where she's hiding.
Oh, why? Oh, why? Why? Oh, why? Why do you have such power over me? I do? Yes.
My life used to be so simple.
Up at 9, maim, torture, mutilate, and then a light supper and curl up with a good book.
But now, now I have to have you.
I want to take you home with me.
You'll be my slave.
Oh, we'll have such fun together.
Ooh! Well, we really can't.
We can't? What could be more important than being my slave? My friendship for Mindy.
You mean, you would pass up cosmic euphoria for that That thing scratching around in the cage? You got it.
Maybe you'll feel differently after I put your pet to sleep.
( dramatic theme playing ) Now, Nirvana, don't do anything rash.
Mork, you still have your brain! That's the good news.
There's some bad news you don't want to hear right now.
Listen, can we talk about this, maybe discuss it? No.
We Necrotons have a saying: "If an enemy gets in your way, you just needlepoint a sampler out of their hair.
" Oh, you're a real homebody, you know that? Mm-hm.
But since I don't have time to do all of that, I'll just part her hair down to her toes.
What did she say? Oh It's just kind of girl talk, Min.
Something about split ends.
Listen, if you hurt her, you'll break my heart.
Oh, you can have one of mine.
I have three.
All right, pet.
You have littered your last cage.
If you come near me, I'll I'll poke you with my perch.
No, no! No, no! Now, listen.
If you hurt her, you'll never, ever be my friend.
Oh, you'll forget about her.
No.
You never forget about a friend, even when they're gone.
Oh, I don't know what I'm feeling.
No matter what I do, I can't win.
You are driving me crazy! Mork, I think she wants to be a little more than just friends.
I don't care what you call it.
If I can't have him, no one can! Whoa! Oh.
It's a strange way of showing affection, Min.
It's time for slicing and dicing.
No, no.
Not so fast, Captain Ferrucci! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ow! Ow! Ha! You missed the whole galaxy.
Really? I warn you.
I am the best swordsman in all of Ork.
Ow! NIRVANA: Ooh! Ho-ho-ho.
Well, I never actually faced a person.
( in high-pitched voice ): But I am undefeated at capes and pictures.
( whimpers ) Oh.
I can't do it.
You win.
I win? Oh, what did I do? I'll make a deal with you.
Mork, you can't trust her.
Oh, go peck your cuttlebone.
Listen, I'll set your pet free.
I'll I'll say in my report that the Earth was uninhabitable, if only you'll come back and be my mate.
Oh, that's a wonderful offer.
Can I sleep on that? Okay, okay.
We'll go back and you'll be the master.
I'll be your slave.
We've heard enough.
Drop your sword.
Don't point that thing at me.
I'm your captain.
Our ex-captain.
Filing false reports, that's treason.
We're going to vaporize you and take the two specimens home with us.
We will be heroes.
See? I told you they wanted my job.
Traitors deserve to suffer.
I think we'll crush her slowly with the Necroton death hug.
Ooh! Gee, that always wrinkles my clothes.
Let's just vaporize her.
Hey, you with the death ray.
You've got a split in your tights.
Okay, ladies, put your hands up.
Don't worry.
She can't shoot.
She doesn't know the firing sequence.
Quick! The death hug.
No, no, no! Don't harm her! Aah! Oh! Oh.
Ahh, ha-ha-ha.
Whoo! ( rapid beeping ) Oh! I think I must have found the sequence.
Okay, gang, reach for Mars.
No.
I mean, up with your hands! Mork, not you! No!! Not you, you! No! Not you, them! No, you Mork! Mork! Mindy No, Mindy.
She's with me, me, me, me, me.
Okay, open the door.
Get out, pet.
I'm not a pet.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Get in, goons.
Oh, Mind.
Oh, we did it! NIRVANA: You know, I still don't understand.
I tortured you, I put you in a cage, and And yet you helped me, and, Mork, you saved my life.
Well, what else would a friend do? I don't know.
I never had any.
Are you gonna let us go? Sure.
You got the gun.
Mork.
Mind.
Here.
We have more with our friendship than could ever be destroyed by any gun.
Now will you let us go? Do I have to? A friend would.
You guys sure play rough.
( tender theme playing ) This time I had my eyes closed.
Yeah, me too.
Well, goodbye, Nirvana.
Next time you come to this planet, I won't hide.
Oh, what are you gonna do with Kama and Sutra? I'm gonna try to teach them what you taught me, but if that doesn't work, I think I'll have them stuffed.
Wait! W-when you have friends, does it hurt when they leave you? Yes.
( sobs ) Well, then, I guess I've found some real friends.
( tender theme playing ) ( suspenseful theme playing ) Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson! Come out, come out wherever you are.
Olly, olly fats in free! ORSON: Mork! Yeah.
I'm relieved to see you're in one piece.
Well, sir, what did you expect to see me in, a bikini, your Harper's Bazaarness? Ar-ar.
Congratulations on once again surviving the attack of the Necroton.
Well, sir, this has been a week to end all weeks.
I'm not kidding you.
Now that it's over, have you any special observations to report? You must remember this: That a kiss is still a kiss, and a sigh is just a sigh.
And on Earth, friendship is as contagious as the flu.
Are you sure? Well, it must be, sir.
I mean, I caught it from Mindy, then I gave it to Nirvana, captain of the Necrotons.
You gave it away? Well, I got it right back.
I mean, that's the funny thing about friendship.
( Australian accent ) It's like a boomerang! It comes right back at you.
Bam! But you wasted it on a Necroton, our enemy.
Well, but now we have one less enemy.
There's plenty more Necrotons where she came from, Mork.
Oh, but, sir, how about this for a plan? Tell you what.
If everybody makes two friends and those two friends make two more friends, and two more friends, and Yeah! Out to infinity, pretty soon, we'll all be flying the friendly skies and united.
Until next week, sir.
Nanu, nanu.
( dramatic theme playing ) ( upbeat theme playing )
( upbeat theme playing ) ( upbeat theme playing ) ( indistinct chatter ) Boy, Nelson, what a turnout.
I'm really impressed.
I'm really shocked.
They came because my advisor here delivered my message to the people.
Yeah.
And his message was, he was paying for lunch.
( laughs ) Here's what it comes to.
Fine.
I'll pay you next week.
Next week? Sure.
You can trust me.
You have my word as a politician.
Drop those forks.
Kitchen's closed.
Take that wiener out of your mouth.
Hi.
Sorry I'm late.
I was out polling the neighborhood.
Why are you so out of breath? Well, it was a Gallup Poll.
He's all yours.
Well, did you get a good cross section? I didn't want to discourage you, so I just polled your friends.
Must have been, uh, pretty one-sided.
Yeah, it doesn't look good.
Nelson, don't you think you should start your speech? Oh, yes.
Uh, Mork, would you mind introducing me to the general electorate? Is he here? I love what he does with refrigerators.
( chuckling ): I get it.
Yeah.
Ah! Ladies and gentlemen, please! Can we have a moment here for your attention? Thank you.
I'd like to introduce a man that flattened me and my dreams, and a man who will flatten your dreams too.
Let's bring him up here.
Nelson Flavor, the albino wonder.
Come on.
Bring him up here! ( all applaud ) ( whistling ) Thank you.
Thank you.
Come on, now.
Here we go.
No pictures, please.
It hurts his little, pink eyes.
Come on.
Let's move.
Thank you.
Good morning all you over-18ers, and welcome.
( ringing ) Come on, Mork.
I can't help it, Mindy.
I got this ringing in my mouth.
As I was saying, ahem ( ringing ) Do something about it.
I think Orson's trying to call me, Min.
( ringing ) Excuse me.
Mork, why are you ringing? Because my knocker's broke.
Well, since you're the sergeant at arms, why don't you throw yourself out? It would be my pleasure.
Will you come with me? Will you call my lawyer, Mindy? Come on.
Listen to me Let go of me.
( chuckles ) ORSON: Orson calling Mork.
Come in, Mork.
Orson calling Mork.
Come in, Mork.
Oh, yo, sir.
What's up? You never used the day rates before.
We've got big trouble.
Right here in Boulder City? Mork, this is deadly serious.
A spaceship from the planet Necroton landed on Earth.
Oh, no, not the Necrotons.
Our archenemies? No, they're a hockey team.
Of course they're our archenemies.
Oh, good retort, sir.
That's one for you, eight million for me.
This is no time to be cute.
They're after you.
Me? Why me, sir? Because you're there.
They want to know what you know about Earth to see if it's worth conquering.
But I I don't know anything about them.
What do they look like? I don't know.
No one's ever seen one and lived.
For all I know, they could look like anything from a human to a wedge of Velveeta.
Thanks a lot, sir.
That narrows it down to everything.
Fortunately, it's a limited threat.
The Necrotons can only survive in Earth's atmosphere for 24 hours.
All you have to do is what any patriotic Orkan would do in a time of war.
Hide.
Exactly.
Sir.
Just remember, not only is your life in danger, but the lives of every Earthling.
Well, too bad you're not here, your tubby-tude.
We could all hide behind you.
Nanu, nanu.
Necrotons.
Ha-ha! I'm not afraid of them.
So in conclusion, I want you to remember my campaign theme: A vote for Nelson Flavor is a vote for me.
MAN: Hear, hear.
( all applaud ) ( indistinct chatter ) Mo Mork! Min, I was working on my impression of a turtle.
What is the matter with you, Mork? I mean, you've been weird before, but never this weird.
Orson said the Necrotons have landed and I've gotta hide.
The Necrotons have landed.
Of course.
What are you talking about? I'm talking about our archenemies.
They're here, but I don't know what they look like.
They could be anything.
They could even pose as food.
Hey, Mork, you want a snack? ( shrieks ) What did you do that for? It was self-defense.
Uh, he's not feeling too well.
Yeah, well, neither is my antipasto.
I'll send her a card.
Min! Min, they could be posing as anything.
That That might be the mothership.
( suspenseful theme playing ) Mork? Mork, are you home? Mork? ( Mork shrieks ) ( screams ) What? Mork! Min, it's all right for me to sit on my face, but I don't think you can.
Will you get out of there? You can't hide in there.
Now, will you tell me what is going on here? Well, all right, but I gotta make it real quick.
( mumbling rapidly ) Now, what would you do in this situation? I would slow down and speak more clearly so I could understand.
All right.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was just a little panicked.
Here's the straight poop.
Well, you know, the Necrotons are the scourge of the universe.
Now, you know that Orkans have emotions.
Well, Necrotons only have three emotions: Hate, lust, and greed.
No love? No way.
And ever since I can remember, Ork has been at war with them.
But I thought all Orkans were pacifists.
We are.
That's why every time we go to war, we have to go into hiding.
Claude Rains would be one of our national heroes.
Now, you see, all we have to do is hide long enough, then they get tired, and they go away.
Huh.
Well, what do they want with you? Well, I think they want my reports to Orson.
You see, they want to find out whether Earth is worth destroying or not.
( gasps ): They want to destroy the Earth? Why? Well, I guess it keeps them busy, Min.
I don't know.
Well, I got to find someplace to hide, Min.
Yeah, but No, I can't hide in there.
I've been out of the closet for a year now.
Yes! I'll use one of your dresses.
Mm-hm.
Hm-hm! I'll go incognito.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Why? Why are you taking my dress? What better way to hide than your dress? You know, hiding is a drag.
Well, Min, where did you put those tapes of Ethel Merman Sings Led Zeppelin? Mork, where are you gonna go? I don't know.
I mean, someplace where no one ever goes.
The frozen tundra, the barren desert, a Mike Curb rally.
Isn't there anything I can do to help? Oh, don't worry.
Necrotons can't breathe Earth's atmosphere for more than 24 hours.
I mean, I'll be back tomorrow, unless, well Unless they find me.
But what'll they do if they catch you? Well, people who have dealt with Necrotons have a saying: ( Screams ) No, wait.
Wait a minute, Mork.
Look at it this way.
I mean, there's over that live here in Boulder, and And so they'd never find you if you just stayed here.
Good old logical Min, you old palooka.
You're right.
I mean, the odds of them finding me here in this particular room in the next 24 hours are ( imitates computer hum ) Three hundred and sixty-two million to one.
See? ( Chuckles ) ( screams ) ( suspenseful theme playing ) Must be my lucky day.
MORK: Oh.
Einstein was right, Min.
Space is curved.
I am Captain Nirvana of the Necroton black army.
Kama, Sutra, fall in.
Orkan, you have exactly five seconds to get your meaningless life together in one bucket.
Min, those are Necrotons.
They're as mean as they are ugly.
MORK: No, stay away.
Stay back.
Ah.
I'm going to get all the information you have out of your little pea-brain.
It's up to you, bright eyes.
It can come out of your mouth, or I'll, uh, suck it out your ear.
They mean business, Min.
Hope this room is Scotchgarded.
Mork, do something.
I am, Min.
I'm shaking as fast as I can.
You can't just barge in here and suck out his brain.
( laughs ) Orkan, curb your pet.
Pet? Min, Min, heel, girl.
Heel.
Heel.
Heel.
Don't worry about them.
I'll guard us with a force field.
( squeals ) ( laughs ) See that, Min? She's frozen in her tracks.
She won't thaw for months.
( gasps ) Is it spring already? Your silly, little Orkan weapons are useless against us.
Mork, run for it! Silence the pet.
I'll pet you, you bimbo! ( pulsing tone ) Mork, I'm trapped! Oh.
It's not that bad.
We'll have her housebroken in a month or so.
Come on.
Let her go, please! Private, the transinducer.
The pink one? Or the yellow? Oh, just give me one, you twit.
All right, you cute, little hot potato, you are going to be under my power.
Ha-ha! I'm afraid you've underestimated the incredible, hulking will of an Orkan.
I scoff at your sparkling balls.
Ah! Bachelor number one, if we were to go Tijuana All right, take him to the spacecraft.
( Mork mumbles ) ( chuckles ) Aw, don't worry about your master.
He's gonna be just fine in our little torture chamber.
( gasps ) Hm.
Must be the runt of the litter.
( suspenseful theme playing ) ( upbeat theme playing ) ( high-pitched whirring ) ( whirring decreases ) ( whirring fades ) ( gasps ) That was good.
I never knew you had a talent for pantomime.
No, uh, Mork I Uh Nelson, you gotta help me.
Uh, Mork was kidnapped.
Kidnapped? Yeah! They, uh They came in here, and they blew the door off the wall, and then they carried him away.
Dastardly! Who did it? Three gorgeous, voluptuous women.
That'd get my goat.
No! No.
They They're vicious and violent, and they're gonna do something awful to him.
Like what? Well Um I can't tell you.
Could you act it out? Oh! Oh, Nelson, I don't know what to do.
Nobody's supposed to know.
This is no stranger here.
This is Nelson talking.
First cousin, same flesh.
Hey, hey, hey, remember when we were kids and I confided to you that I put the goldfish in Mom's clam chowder? Hm? Well, you owe me one.
You're not gonna believe me anyway.
If you want me to help you, you've gotta level with me.
Oh, all right.
Um uh Mork was kidnapped by three creatures from this planet called Necroton, who came to Earth to suck out his brain and to And to invade To destroy our entire planet.
( whimpers ) You can tell Mom about the fish in the chowder.
Ooh! Nelson, it's true! I was trapped behind a force field right here, Well, somewhere, but But it was here.
And then this Mindy, I understand.
It's not easy being a single woman in the Now Generation.
You've got career versus marriage, tradition versus liberation, pregnancy versus being careful.
Nelson! The stress is too much, isn't it? I'm telling you the truth.
Stress can do funny things, like put the door on the couch.
Remember how Mom used to bend spoons? She'd bend them and bend them and bend them Nelson! Look, I mean, you know me.
I'm I'm good old logical, reliable Mindy.
I wouldn't make up something like this.
All right.
I'll help you.
You will? First, we'll get you to a nice home in the country, far away from the urban hubbub.
Why? For your mental and my political health.
I'll pay for everything.
Are you saying that I'm crazy? Well, Mindy, "crazy" is a relative term.
And as Jimmy probably said of brother Billy, "Why my relative?" ( upbeat theme playing ) ( pulsating noise ) NECROTON LEADER: Just think, we wouldn't have even known of the existence of Earth if we hadn't found those two Bogart films when we pillaged the planet Ovits.
Have they been much help to you? Not much, sir.
You see, it's not accurate information.
First of all, the Earth isn't even in black and white.
Then it's essential we capture the Orkan for the information.
Yes.
I've already done so, sir.
In fact, he's in the spaceship right now.
Excellent.
You must extract every report he's ever made to his home planet.
I hope you can handle this, Captain Nirvana.
Yes, sir.
I appreciate your confidence in me, sir.
I have no confidence in you.
The only reason you got the assignment is everyone else is out with the flu.
Well, uh Uh, don't worry.
I won't let you down.
As they say on Earth, "Here's looking at you, kid.
" ( computer beeps ) Private Kama, bring in the prisoner.
Oh, I can handle this.
I know I can.
( door hisses open ) ( moaning ) Aah! Oh! ( moaning ) Why are you making all those noises? We haven't even done anything yet.
I know that.
I'm trying to make you feel guilty.
It's an old Jewish trick.
( door hisses ) All right, smart guy, turn around.
Hands in the air.
What are you gonna do to me? Why, I'm going to search you for secret weapons.
( moans ) Nothing here.
Turn around.
( moans ) ( bell rings ) Ooh! Oh! You seem to have rung my bells.
What are you hiding in your pocket? Is that a secret weapon? No, harmless stuff.
I'm just glad to be here.
No No, uh, it It's a yo-yo.
Yo-yo.
Oh, yes.
We We have something like this on our planet, but without the string.
How do you get it to come back? Well, we don't.
It's never been a big seller.
Oh, and here's something very special.
This is chewing gum.
Yes, we have that on Necroton.
You put it in your mouth and you chew.
Your mouth? Uh, well, I suppose that would work too.
You're not gonna get anything out of me! I'm never gonna tell you anything! We'll see.
Ar-ar-ar! What would you say if I told you that we're going to put you on a rack and stretch your body till your tiny, little bones crack? I'd love it.
I'd look like Tommy Tune.
All right, then, maybe I'll just hang you up by your feet until your spleen slips out your nose.
Just so happens that's a hobby of mine.
Then you're gonna love it when I wrap a rope around your neck and start your head up like an outboard motor.
Ha-ha! That old Orkan party trick? Of course you don't realize that we Orkans scoff at pain.
Ar-ar-ar-ar-ar! All right, the jig is up.
( beeping ) NIRVANA: You'll spill your guts now.
Oh, no! A torture chamber.
The ultimate Ramada Inn! I've gotta get out of here! Oh, no, the Supremes! We know one thing about you little, sissy Orkans, and that is you can't stand any intensive physical pleasure.
Ha-ha! We'll have you moaning for mercy.
MORK: Oh, no.
No! ( mellow music playing ) Romantic music, soft lighting.
Oh, no! Not the hot tub! Not the hot tub! Yes.
Get behind the modesty screen and drop 'em.
You'll never get away with this.
If I don't come home, every cop in Boulder will be on your tail.
What's a supper? What's a cop? What's a Boulder? What's the difference? ( sighs ) How should we start? Maybe we should rub him down with baby oil.
Baby oil? No, no.
That'll leave a slick in the hot tub.
What are you doing? Well, I'm stalling for time.
Snap it up.
I have a planet to destroy.
MORK: All right.
I'm Uh, suspenders.
( chuckles ) Moral support.
Pants.
( snapping ) ( panting ): Hold on.
Okay ( muttering ) Are you finished? Well, I think so.
Then haul it out here, toots.
Why aren't you naked? Well, I am.
This is just a tattoo.
All right, you Orkan dog I'm not an Orkan dog! They have three legs and fall over every fourth step.
Why don't you save yourself a lot of pleasure, hm? Talk.
Never! Never! My Earth files are top-secret.
All right.
Kama, Sutra, sic him.
( as Mr.
Bill ): Oh, no, Mr.
Bill! Oh! Listen, wait a minute! Under the Jupiter Convention I'm entitled to one last meal.
Well, all right.
What would you like? Something to go.
No! No! I'll never tell you anything! Tickle him.
( laughing ) ( snaps ) Oh! Hm.
I must say he has a lot more spunk than I gave him credit for.
Let's just get right to the A stuff and throw him in the hot tub.
No! No! No, these are my new tennies! No! No! ( shrieking ) Ah, I love my work.
What's in that? Bubble bath.
Oh! ( wailing ) Oh, you're cruel! Sutra, blow in his ear.
No! No! Kama, darling, kiss his little neck.
No! Don't leave a mark.
Oh! Oh! Now, hold him down.
I want to read to him.
Oh, reading can't hurt me.
I've been to Evelyn Wood.
Oh, no? What about smutty limericks? No, you're despicable! You're despicable! There once was a lady From Nezzum.
Whose butt was as big No! No! ( gasps ) Yeah! Hey! That was a library book.
We're wasting time, Your Highness.
The Orkan doesn't seem to be breaking.
Yes.
Put him on the trembler.
No! No one has ever been able to endure that.
What's a trembler? The doomsday machine.
( beeps ) Oh, no, magic fingers.
( beeps ) He'll talk now.
( moans ) Oh, think bowling.
Think bowling.
Think baseball.
Think Tom Snyder.
He's formed a mental block.
We can't break through.
He's tougher and smarter than I thought.
There's only one way to break through.
Leave him alone with me.
( snaps fingers ) ( door hisses ) ( beeps ) I'm sorry you did that.
I forgot to close my eyes.
Oh, you've been through such a lot.
Oh, yeah.
War is hell, isn't it? Oh, you poor thing.
You know, this is very hard for a Necroton to say, but, well, I I'm I'm really sorry.
Oh, I thought being a Necroton meant never having to say sorry.
But you don't understand.
This is my last chance.
If I don't suck out your brain and destroy the Earth, well, I'm I'm ( whimpers ): I'm gonna lose my job.
Oh, you poor kid.
I'm sorry I was such a pillar of strength.
And those vultures are just waiting for me to slip up so that they can come in and move into my boots.
Oh, gee, I I didn't know mindless destruction was such a competitive field.
You know, sometimes Sometimes I just wanna chuck the whole thing and kidnap a family I could call my own.
Oh.
I hate to see a barbarian unemployed.
Tell you what.
I'll tell you everything I know.
Oh.
How can I ever thank you? Well, a simple goodbye would be nice.
Just give me any little old piece of secret information that you have for my report.
For instance, these people, the Americans, who is their leader? Well, they've been trying to figure that one out for years.
Um, they pick a new leader, though, every four years.
How do they do that? With a wet T-shirt contest.
What are the duties of this leader? Well, every spring he throws out the first baseball.
After that, he throws out his cabinet.
And he tries to make everything perfectly clear, except for the atmosphere and the water.
And in cases of national emergency, he takes immediate action and books himself a trip overseas.
Well, all leaders are alike, but what about the people? Tell me about the people.
You want to know about all of them? Uh-huh.
All right.
I guess I better start with the A's.
First of all, there's Aaron Ackalala.
He was born in Hawaii.
He has two children, Allen and Arthur.
Allen has a tattoo on his forearm of Jack Lord with the inscription, "Why'd you leave the show, Danno?" And his And his favorite quotation is ( imitates luau music ) His other son now raises herbs on Maui.
Uh, how many people are there on this planet? Well, four billion, and would you believe it? They all sleep laying down.
But to really understand this planet, you must participate in one of their sacred Earth rituals.
It's entitled Simon Says.
You must do everything that Simon says.
I'm ready.
All right.
Simon says close your eyes.
Simon says spin around twice.
Simon says take one step up.
What's the object of this game? To win.
Simon says you lose.
Oh! Why, you dirty rat! You'll never get away with this.
Oh! Nanu.
A privilege dealing with you.
Come back here! ( snickers ) ( as Bogart ): So long, sweetheart.
Don't take wooden dollars.
( normal voice ): Yeah, that's right.
Let me go! Unhand me! Kama, Sutra, help! ( door hisses ) Oh! Aah! ( beeps ) What happened? Oh, I just accidentally backed into the machine.
Where's the Orkan? Oh, he just accidentally ran out the door.
Uh, but we'll catch him again.
Don't worry.
Anyway, I've got some really juicy information that I That I know will please our leader.
( sighs ) ( beeps ) ( tape rewinding ) NECROTON LEADER: Fool, you blew it again.
It's all meaningless drivel.
The Orkan has tricked you.
But I tortured him all over the place.
Let me talk to him.
Well, he, uh He ran away, but But we'll get him back.
You imbecilia, Orkans are the best hiders in the universe.
You'll never catch him now that he knows you're after him.
I have a plan.
Oh, boy, do I have a plan.
Uh, I'm gonna make him come to me.
You better, captain, or you'll be space dust.
( computer beeps ) What are you going to do? He seemed very attached to his pet.
Yes, I believe he called it "Mindy.
" Catch her.
Bring her here.
We're gonna have a lot of fun.
I think I'll keep her little foot for my key chain.
( suspenseful theme playing ) ( upbeat theme playing ) KAMA: Captain Nirvana! Captain Nirvana! What took you so long? Well, the pet was a little hard to handle.
It bites.
Bite me and I'll remove your cheeks.
Leave us alone.
Who do you think you are? I mean, you You break down my door, you mess up my house, you kidnap my best friend and And now you threaten my cheeks? I mean, you're pushing me too far.
Well, if you think you're pushed too far, my job's on the line.
Oh, I never wanted to be in the military in the first place.
For one thing, you have to wear these drab uniforms.
I don't know.
I mean, who could look good in this? The bass player from Kiss? Will you get in the cage? Wait, wait Wait a minute.
Uh, uh, maybe you and I could be friends.
Friends? Yeah.
Like, if we were friends, we'd do nice things for each other, like, uh, I might lend you my best purse, and you might not kill me.
Well, it's a cute idea, but I don't think it'll catch on.
No, no, wait! Think about it.
I'll bet you deep down inside, you and I are a lot alike.
I doubt it.
Uh, what do you plan to do with me? Well, I haven't made up my mind yet, but right now I need you for bait for your master.
He is not my master.
And how do you even know he's gonna come here? Well, I don't know.
It's just a hunch.
But I got a feeling he's got a yen for you.
( clicks tongue ) It's called friendship, but obviously you wouldn't understand.
Well, whatever.
But what is it? You've never had a friend? Well, I I once felt something for a man named Torga from the planet Lepto.
Torga from Lepto? You know him? No.
Just the name.
Oh.
Well, anyway, he was Well, he was a wonderful kind of guy.
I mean, he had long, beautiful hair and a flowing red beard.
He was He was, well, so nice and warm.
Really? Whatever happened to him? I had him made into a jacket.
And there's something about Mork too.
Of course, he wouldn't make a very good jacket, but I like him anyway.
Well, if you like him so much, why don? Why don't you just let him go? Oh, well, it's strictly business.
You see, after I get all the information out of him, maybe I won't destroy him.
Maybe I'll take him home with me and donate him to the zoo.
Yeah, but if you do that, you might as well kill him.
Okay.
Now, will you get in the cage? I'm not getting in that cage.
How would you like to get into something a little more comfortable, like thumbscrews? If you need me, I'll be on my perch.
( dramatic theme playing ) MORK: Mindy? Where are you? Min! Min! ( groans ) "While you were out.
" How nice.
"Dear Orkan swine, we have captured your pet.
"If you value your life, give yourself up.
"Otherwise, we'll realign her head, "steam-clean her thighs, and rotate her limbs.
Yours truly, Nirvana.
" Now, just remain calm.
Deep breathing.
( short, shallow breaths ) Remain calm.
Mork.
Nelson! Oh, Nelson, they got Mindy! I was gonna get her and rescue her, but now it's too late! It's my fault! It's my fault! ( sobbing ) Hey, easy, easy, easy.
That's better.
( sobs ) Nice outfit you got there.
Pretty boss threads.
I told Mindy you'd be back.
( laughing ): You're not gonna believe this.
You know what she said? She said that you ( laughing ): Were captured by three gorgeous women from another planet.
( laughing ) By the way, where were you? I was captured by gorgeous women from another planet.
( laughing ) You crazy nut! Where's Mindy? She was captured by three gorgeous girls BOTH: From another planet! ( both laugh ) I get it! I get it! The two of you are in this together, right? ( laughing ) No, no, no.
Nelson, no! It's true! They captured me, and they took me to their spaceship.
Then they forced me to undress and sit in a hot tub with all of them.
A hot tub! ( laughing ) I get it.
Candid Camera, right? I heard it was coming back on.
Okay, Allen Funt, come out wherever you are.
Oh, you're too much.
Well, goodbye, Mork.
Goodbye, Mr.
Funt.
Let me know when I'm on.
Hi, Mom.
Three gorgeous girls from another ( upbeat theme playing ) MINDY ( gasping ): Mork! Min! Shh! You shouldn't have come here.
I couldn't leave you alone.
Oh, but Mork.
I'm only one person.
If they catch you, the whole world is in danger.
I'm gonna get you out of here, and if not, I've got a backup plan.
What is it? Remember how I told you that the Necrotons are biodegradable.
They can only last on Earth for 24 hours, and after that, well, bing! And by my calculations, they only have a few minutes left.
Yeah? Yeah.
Well, all we have to do is just stall.
Hiya, toots.
Hiya, boots.
Well, I see my plan worked.
I am executive timber.
I hope you get executive termites.
Not nice.
All right.
I surrender.
Let Mindy go.
Ha! Not a chance.
But we made a bargain.
So sue me.
There's something so nice about omnipotence.
( gagging ) Ew! ( Gagging coughs ) What's wrong with him? Uh, he's He's got something caught in his throat, and he'll die unless you help him.
Oh, I need his brain.
I better cut his head off.
Oh Oh, I don't know what you did, but you saved me.
Enough of your cheap Orkan tricks.
Now, get in the cage before I forget I'm a lady.
Uh, all right.
I didn't want to do this, but according to cosmic rules, and those dictated by Prime Minister Fluffy, I hereby challenge you to a holotecker.
Ha! Sissy stuff.
I mean, if you really want a duel, let's go all the way.
The Battle of the Rose.
Uh-uh.
Not the Battle of the Rose.
( snaps ) What's the Battle of the Rose? The greatest mental challenge in the universe, Min.
Those with the strongest will get to keep the rose.
This will be easier than Bobbing for Martians.
( sighs ) All right, who starts? I'll flip you for it.
Whoa! Ugh! Captain Nirvana seems to have won the toss.
He has elected to receive.
It's time to begin the game with a play-by-play now.
Five yards this way.
Good luck to the both of you.
( strained grunt ) ( hisses ) ( Mork muttering ) ( grunts ) ( tango theme playing ) ( upbeat big band theme playing ) ( "Tea for Two" playing ) ( upbeat rock 'n' roll theme plays ) ( upbeat groovy theme playing ) Ha-ha! You're pretty hot stuff, but I won.
I've got the rose.
Ha-ha! But I won.
You're out of air and time.
Four, three, two, one.
Ha-ha! You're gone.
Adiós.
Huevos rancheros, albóndigas, and anon.
What are you talking about? Well, you should have deteriorated, but You're still here.
You only had 24 hours.
Oh, those were Necroton hours.
MINDY: Oh, excuse me.
Roughly how long is that on Earth? Nine hundred years.
Boy, if I'd known that, I would have paced myself.
( dramatic theme playing ) ( humming "Nobody Knows the Trouble I've Seen" ) Oh, come on, Min.
Cheer up.
Hey, I'll give you a ride.
It was only a girl In a gilded cage Mork.
Sorry, Min.
Stop trying to cheer me up.
Yeah, I know.
It's kind of hard to frolic in the face of doom.
You know, I've been thinking about all the things that have happened to me since I've met you.
Well, one thing for sure, I never thought I'd end up sitting in a birdcage waiting for my brains to be sucked out by Necrotons.
Well, look on the bright side.
You still have your health.
Mork, you know, you You didn't have to come back and risk your life to save me, but you did.
Thanks.
Yeah, but I kind of botched up.
Because if I'd done the right thing, you'd be safe in your own home when they destroyed the Earth.
I guess we've had a full life.
I only wish I had gotten to meet Anson Williams.
Mork, there's something that I've been wanting to tell you for a long time, but I just couldn't.
Oh, what is it, Min? Well, one time when you weren't home, I put on your spacesuit.
The helmet too? Boots and all.
Are you mad? No.
I have a confession to make to you too.
Well, one time when you weren't home, I held your blow dryer and jumped up and down on your bed.
Are you mad? No.
I guess we've done it all.
Okay, Morky, it's time to get your brain sucked.
Oh! Goodbye, Mork.
( whimpers ) Goodbye, brains.
Hello, Larry.
Yaddy-yaddy, warden! Oh, Mork! Top of the world, Min! Top of the world, Mindy! Oh.
Is this thing gonna hurt? Oh, no.
I won't feel a thing.
No, no.
I meant me.
Well, you tremendously.
Oh.
Comfy? What? It would have been easier if you'd talked.
But since we can't trust you, we'll have to take out your brain and squeeze out the information.
What? Sutra.
Activate the extractor.
( machine pulsing ) All right, I'll take it from here.
Prepare the ship for takeoff.
And check to see if the cookies are done.
Oh, Mork, Mork.
Boxing have been good to me, Howard.
Oh! It's too late.
Oh! It's not in there.
I think it in my ear.
( mumbles incoherently ) Whew! Uh, that was close.
Oh, I'm so glad you're all right.
Well, I I thought you wanted to suck out my brains, put them in that little jar over there for the winter.
NIRVANA: Oh, no, Mork.
That was just to pretend for those two Those two barracudas.
You see, ever since I danced the tango with you, well, Well, I felt something I never felt before.
What was that? Lack of hate.
Well, you know what they say.
"Lack of hate is a many splendored thing.
" Oh, Mork, Mork.
If anyone on my planet knew what I was feeling now, well, I'd be vaporized.
But, somehow, ever since I met you, I've discovered there's a woman inside of me.
Oh, yes.
I can see where she's hiding.
Oh, why? Oh, why? Why? Oh, why? Why do you have such power over me? I do? Yes.
My life used to be so simple.
Up at 9, maim, torture, mutilate, and then a light supper and curl up with a good book.
But now, now I have to have you.
I want to take you home with me.
You'll be my slave.
Oh, we'll have such fun together.
Ooh! Well, we really can't.
We can't? What could be more important than being my slave? My friendship for Mindy.
You mean, you would pass up cosmic euphoria for that That thing scratching around in the cage? You got it.
Maybe you'll feel differently after I put your pet to sleep.
( dramatic theme playing ) Now, Nirvana, don't do anything rash.
Mork, you still have your brain! That's the good news.
There's some bad news you don't want to hear right now.
Listen, can we talk about this, maybe discuss it? No.
We Necrotons have a saying: "If an enemy gets in your way, you just needlepoint a sampler out of their hair.
" Oh, you're a real homebody, you know that? Mm-hm.
But since I don't have time to do all of that, I'll just part her hair down to her toes.
What did she say? Oh It's just kind of girl talk, Min.
Something about split ends.
Listen, if you hurt her, you'll break my heart.
Oh, you can have one of mine.
I have three.
All right, pet.
You have littered your last cage.
If you come near me, I'll I'll poke you with my perch.
No, no! No, no! Now, listen.
If you hurt her, you'll never, ever be my friend.
Oh, you'll forget about her.
No.
You never forget about a friend, even when they're gone.
Oh, I don't know what I'm feeling.
No matter what I do, I can't win.
You are driving me crazy! Mork, I think she wants to be a little more than just friends.
I don't care what you call it.
If I can't have him, no one can! Whoa! Oh.
It's a strange way of showing affection, Min.
It's time for slicing and dicing.
No, no.
Not so fast, Captain Ferrucci! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Ow! Ow! Ha! You missed the whole galaxy.
Really? I warn you.
I am the best swordsman in all of Ork.
Ow! NIRVANA: Ooh! Ho-ho-ho.
Well, I never actually faced a person.
( in high-pitched voice ): But I am undefeated at capes and pictures.
( whimpers ) Oh.
I can't do it.
You win.
I win? Oh, what did I do? I'll make a deal with you.
Mork, you can't trust her.
Oh, go peck your cuttlebone.
Listen, I'll set your pet free.
I'll I'll say in my report that the Earth was uninhabitable, if only you'll come back and be my mate.
Oh, that's a wonderful offer.
Can I sleep on that? Okay, okay.
We'll go back and you'll be the master.
I'll be your slave.
We've heard enough.
Drop your sword.
Don't point that thing at me.
I'm your captain.
Our ex-captain.
Filing false reports, that's treason.
We're going to vaporize you and take the two specimens home with us.
We will be heroes.
See? I told you they wanted my job.
Traitors deserve to suffer.
I think we'll crush her slowly with the Necroton death hug.
Ooh! Gee, that always wrinkles my clothes.
Let's just vaporize her.
Hey, you with the death ray.
You've got a split in your tights.
Okay, ladies, put your hands up.
Don't worry.
She can't shoot.
She doesn't know the firing sequence.
Quick! The death hug.
No, no, no! Don't harm her! Aah! Oh! Oh.
Ahh, ha-ha-ha.
Whoo! ( rapid beeping ) Oh! I think I must have found the sequence.
Okay, gang, reach for Mars.
No.
I mean, up with your hands! Mork, not you! No!! Not you, you! No! Not you, them! No, you Mork! Mork! Mindy No, Mindy.
She's with me, me, me, me, me.
Okay, open the door.
Get out, pet.
I'm not a pet.
Okay, I'm sorry.
Get in, goons.
Oh, Mind.
Oh, we did it! NIRVANA: You know, I still don't understand.
I tortured you, I put you in a cage, and And yet you helped me, and, Mork, you saved my life.
Well, what else would a friend do? I don't know.
I never had any.
Are you gonna let us go? Sure.
You got the gun.
Mork.
Mind.
Here.
We have more with our friendship than could ever be destroyed by any gun.
Now will you let us go? Do I have to? A friend would.
You guys sure play rough.
( tender theme playing ) This time I had my eyes closed.
Yeah, me too.
Well, goodbye, Nirvana.
Next time you come to this planet, I won't hide.
Oh, what are you gonna do with Kama and Sutra? I'm gonna try to teach them what you taught me, but if that doesn't work, I think I'll have them stuffed.
Wait! W-when you have friends, does it hurt when they leave you? Yes.
( sobs ) Well, then, I guess I've found some real friends.
( tender theme playing ) ( suspenseful theme playing ) Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson.
Mork calling Orson.
Come in, Orson! Come out, come out wherever you are.
Olly, olly fats in free! ORSON: Mork! Yeah.
I'm relieved to see you're in one piece.
Well, sir, what did you expect to see me in, a bikini, your Harper's Bazaarness? Ar-ar.
Congratulations on once again surviving the attack of the Necroton.
Well, sir, this has been a week to end all weeks.
I'm not kidding you.
Now that it's over, have you any special observations to report? You must remember this: That a kiss is still a kiss, and a sigh is just a sigh.
And on Earth, friendship is as contagious as the flu.
Are you sure? Well, it must be, sir.
I mean, I caught it from Mindy, then I gave it to Nirvana, captain of the Necrotons.
You gave it away? Well, I got it right back.
I mean, that's the funny thing about friendship.
( Australian accent ) It's like a boomerang! It comes right back at you.
Bam! But you wasted it on a Necroton, our enemy.
Well, but now we have one less enemy.
There's plenty more Necrotons where she came from, Mork.
Oh, but, sir, how about this for a plan? Tell you what.
If everybody makes two friends and those two friends make two more friends, and two more friends, and Yeah! Out to infinity, pretty soon, we'll all be flying the friendly skies and united.
Until next week, sir.
Nanu, nanu.
( dramatic theme playing ) ( upbeat theme playing )