My Family (2000) s02e11 Episode Script

Don't tell me, you've done something with your hair? I'm happy you're enjoying my humiliation.
- I'm happy if you're happy.
- Well, I'm not.
They're making us wear stupid costumes.
- It's not bad.
- Yesterday I was a beefeater.
Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.
Ever since that American company took over it's been miserable.
Oh.
Cramming in more tours, hawking cheap souvenirs - and working longer hours.
- Eight Days A Week and (Chuckles) And it, er It's not fair.
Don't do that again.
No, I'll let it drop.
Thank you.
I'm late.
I've got to meet some Germans in Abbey Road.
Oh! Morning.
I'm having the weirdest dream.
Dad's kissing a Beatle.
Can't you say good morning like a normal person? - I think it's Ringo.
- Obviously not.
I'll go back to bed and wake up.
Earth to idiot, you're not dreaming.
Right, and if I was awake could I do this? I'm awake, aren't I? (Music starts) Do you have to watch TV in here? - Am I bothering you? - Yes.
Then that answers your question.
(Grunting) (Yells) - I give it an eight point five.
- More like a three.
Three? I had perfect form and flawless extension! But you get a five-point deduction - Mum saw you.
Warming up for the arse-kicking finals? That's what you'll get if you do that again.
My boss is coming for dinner so I want help cleaning up.
- The place looks OK.
- Which is why you wear glasses.
- This place is a mess.
- It looks lived-in.
- By a herd of goats.
- That was just the one weekend.
OK, you heard her.
Michael, start cleaning.
She said for all of us to help.
I know.
Don't forget to vacuum.
- Hi, Mikey! - I hate this house! Good talking to you too, Son.
- Good, you're home.
- Ah, I didn't know you cared.
- I need you to clean the guest toilet.
- Why? The guest toilet is for guests.
- We've got a guest.
- Scott phoned from the airport.
- I invited him for dinner.
- Why tonight? Couldn't Scott come round another night? - Who's Scott? - Scott Taylor, my new boss.
Oh, I know him as "that cretinous toad".
He wants to dine in an English home with English food.
What's he coming here for then? I'd love to engage in witty repartee but I don't have the time and you don't have the wit.
Susan, did it occur to you that I may have plans of my own? - What are they? - I-I was going to watch the footie and clean the guest toilet.
(Susan) Nick! Love to help but I've got this fake limp.
- "Fake limp"? - Sorry, I'm a really bad liar.
Get L20 from my purse and take Janey and Michael out for dinner.
- All right, 30.
- (Groans) Only 30? Do I have to remind you of my fake disability? - 40.
- (Ben) 50 if you leave now.
(Sighs) Another week's work done.
- Who's winning? - Winning? What? Oh! The game? Oh, God, it's on! Oh, dear.
Must have accidentally turned it on when I was dusting the remote.
I don't know why I'm so nervous.
I just want everything to be perfect.
Mm-hm.
- How do I look? - Great.
You look so great.
Yeah.
Dinner's gonna be great.
Everything's gonna be great.
And if Scott doesn't realise that, he's a fool.
It's times like this I realise how lucky I am to have you.
Mm-hm.
Now give me a hand.
Where are we supposed to eat for 20 quid? - I gave Nick 50.
- What? Commission.
Don't take Michael to a pub.
I know better than that.
Last time you tried to pass him off as a midget.
That's why I know better.
Just go, get out, have a lovely time, I love you and don't come back before ten.
Come on, do as your mother says.
Come on, out! Let's go, everybody out! (Door slams) Ben, this evening is very important to me so you could at least try to put on a happy face.
Remember who you're talking to.
This is my happy face.
Do this for me and tonight I'll do the thing.
Which thing? "The thing" or "the thing"? Both.
- You're bluffing.
- Can you afford to take that chance? That's better.
(Doorbell) Now remember, he's cheap, priggish and he's ruining morale, - so be nice to him.
- Mm-hm.
- Happy face.
- Happy face! Scott, welcome to London! Susan, thank you for inviting me to dinner.
Oh, I brought a little something.
Oh, tiny, little airline soaps, these will come in handy! Yeah, when we move to Lilliput(!) My husband, Ben.
Ben, Scott Taylor.
Hi, Scott.
Heard a lot about you.
- All good, I hope? - I certainly enjoyed them.
(Car horn honks) That'll be my taxi.
I never got around to changing my money.
Could you take care of it for me? Of course.
Ben will look after it, won't you? (Whispering) Happy face! While you're at it could you bring in my bags? - Yeah.
- Thanks, "old chap".
(Cockney accent) Not at all, guv'nor.
Plinky plonky, blimey! What a great house! I just love English decor.
Thank you.
I did it myself.
The way that nothing matches with anything, it's so garish and so simple at the same time.
Then you should feel right at home.
So, Scott, how was your flight? Cheap.
I traded my first class ticket for one in economy and made myself 2,300 bucks.
Ker-ching, ker-ching.
Imagine if you flew cargo.
If they threw in bonus miles - I would! That cab was 50 quid! (Happy face.
) - Could you open the wine? - I'm going to need something stronger.
- I meant for our guest.
- Yep.
That'll do fine.
Ah, I think you'll like this one.
It's the Chateau Margaux.
Please I brought the wine.
Ah, really.
You can never go wrong with British Air Cabernet.
No, no.
Susan, bring some smaller glasses and a tiny corkscrew.
Don't be silly, Ben, they twist right off.
They? Oh, I see.
Goodness me, mark of a fine wine.
Allow me.
Here we are, my famous shepherd's pie.
Ah, I could eat a horse.
Well, this is your lucky day! Mmm! - That is delicious! - Really? Some people appreciate fine cuisine.
It's as good as the chicken supreme on easyJet.
Oh.
Remember, Susan, happy face.
So, Scott, I was hoping we could discuss the direction the company is taking.
I have some suggestions.
Absolutely! I love hearing fresh ideas.
Note to myself, Susan may have some interesting ideas.
Well, I was thinking we should consider getting rid of the costumes.
While they are novel, I feel they actually distract tourists from things they should be experiencing.
Interesting.
Hold that thought.
Note to myself, cancel that last note.
Ben, where's the coffee? Coming! Won't be a minute.
Take your International London Tour.
- What about it? - Look at the itinerary.
The Gap store, lunch at McDonald's, Nike Town, followed up by Planet Hollywood.
They don't even know they've been to London.
That's why you're dressed as a beefeater.
There's more to history than stupid costumes.
Er, Sue, history is old news.
Note to self, this man is an idiot.
Sue, we've done the studies.
People don't come to England for the history, people come to England to see where Diana died.
Then they would need to go to Paris.
That's that British can't-do attitude I'm talking about! As opposed to the will-do-anything-for-a-buck attitude? Do you remember who you're talking to? - Yes, I have an attention span! - What's that mean? Perhaps I should put on my sarcastic outfit? - I l - What sort of argument is that? - You you - Don't try and turn it on me.
Coffee! Just to make you feel at home, yours has been stewed, reheated and served in a plastic cup.
No, no.
No coffee for me.
- No? - I feel sick.
Your wife has triggered my acid reflux! I know, isn't she marvellous? - I'm gonna lie down.
- So those silly costumes Doesn't she ever stop? Only to reload.
I was I was this close.
What, to losing your job? To winning him over.
He's on the ropes.
He's in our bed.
With acid reflux, whatever that is.
There is a bright side to this.
He's in my bathrobe, using my toothbrush, sleeping on my pillow - that is not a bright side.
The longer he stays, the more time I have to convince him that his outlook on life is misguided and his attitude to everything else wrong.
He's your boss, not your husband.
I know what'll cheer you up.
What? The thing that you promised? - No, the sofa's too small.
- Oh.
Let's pretend that we're out camping, you and I, alone with nature.
Look, Ben, look, all the stars are out.
Isn't it romantic? Yeah(!) Look, you can see a crack in the ceiling.
Made by the weight of a man sleeping in my bed.
There's no point in cheering you up, - I was about to sing a song.
- No, don't sing.
- # Ging gang gooli gooli # - Don't sing.
Please don't.
Stop it! Stop singing and I'll stop complaining.
How are you gonna make me stop? Hayla, Hayla Shayla - (Giggling) Hayla Shayla, Hayla Ooh! (Susan giggles) (Ben) # Shallawally shallawally shallawally Oompah oompah oompah Ooh! - (Door closes) - (Susan) Did you hear that? No.
Where was I? Ben, could you move to the right? - (Ben) What? - She said move to the right.
What the hell are you doing here?! Watching telly.
What are you doing? Nick, your mother's boss is upstairs in our bed.
Is that in her job description? I'm here, you idiot.
Scott wasn't well so we let him stay here.
Oh.
So what do you wanna watch? Nick, shouldn't you be somewhere else? I'm not sleeping with him! Nick, we're trying to sleep.
Yeah.
- It's OK, you won't bother me.
- Nick, get out! OK, I can take a hint.
You want me to leave, right? Has he left yet or has he booked in for another night? Breakfast is ready.
You go and wake him.
- Me? - Well, he might not be dressed.
- Janey, go and wake him.
- Ben! Why am I always the one to wake the fat, naked man? - (Knock at door) - Scott! Scott, are you decent? If that's at all possible(!) Oh, Scott Scott, can you hear me? (Chuckles) You crude, loud, beached narwhal! Yeah.
Oh, I see, what's this then, huh? Didn't exchange our money? Thanks, old chap.
Scott? How'd you get home? - Like you care.
- I don't, I'm just curious.
- (Susan!) - How does he want his bacon? Erm, I don't think it matters.
Wow, check out Dad - looks like he's seen a ghost.
God, he was naked, wasn't he?! Erm, Susan, er Scott has moved on.
He wouldn't have left without saying goodbye.
Er, he might.
- Michael, go and wake him.
- No! I don't want anyone up there, OK? - Ben, what's going on? - He's, erm he-he-he he's - he's - Superman.
He's For God's sake, he's dead! - What? - Scratch Superman.
- Oh, my God! - I didn't want to tell the kids.
- A dead body? Here? - That's so awful.
And sad.
- Where are you going? - I have to tell my friends.
Can I have his bacon? I know what he's writing.
"She did it.
" What? What are you talking about? If I hadn't argued with him, he'd still be alive.
I feel so guilty.
You argue with me all the time and you don't feel guilty.
You're not dead - yet.
Susan, you didn't do anything.
But I had a motive.
Anyone who's ever met Scott had a motive.
The key to this is to act rationally.
Right.
Rational.
Rational.
- I'm going to confess.
- Susan Let's go over the key part again, shall we? - You're right.
- We've finished here.
I did it! - I beg your pardon? - Forgive my wife, she's a got a psychological disorder - she won't listen.
We had a disagreement and then then I killed him.
- See? - Just what did you kill him with? - The full force of my argument.
- A blunt instrument.
I'll handle this.
I've advised my client not to talk without her lawyer.
- Who are you? - Her lawyer.
I see.
So she can talk now.
I've also advised her not to talk when I am present.
- He's my son.
- I never would've guessed.
Nick, go away.
I'd give you my card but I don't have one.
Michael gets all the attention, Nick's an idiot, Mum and Dad never listen to me.
- Why are you telling me this? - You asked for a statement.
- Janey, who's the fit bird? - Nick, she's a police officer.
Me want! - Like you've got a chance.
- You're on.
Er, Mum, one dead guy and suddenly you've gone goth.
Does everything come down to fashion? Well, yeah! Michael, I thought your mother told you to stay downstairs? But the body's upstairs.
My investigation indicates cardio-pulmonary attack.
Time of death between 2:25 and 3:45.
Just let the officers do their job.
Actually, he's spot on.
- Her name's Stephanie.
- You got her number? - What did you say to her? - I had a bomb in my trousers.
- That is pathetic.
- But it worked.
Our first date and she's already felt me up.
Susan, you didn't do anything.
He died of a heart attack.
Which I gave him.
If you could argue someone to death, I'd have snuffed it years ago.
Come on.
How tragic.
He went to his grave still believing he was right.
Poor Scott.
"Poor Scott"?! What about poor me, eh? I found him, I'm going through the trauma.
If this is a competition, Scott's winning.
At least he's getting some rest.
Y-You don't think he'd come back, do you? What, so you can argue with him some more? - He had unfinished business.
- No, you do.
Scott's fine.
He's in heaven, dressing the angels as beefeaters.
Don't joke! I get the strange feeling there's someone else in here.
Yes, there is, me.
And I wanna go to bed.
Oi! Oi, oi, oi! That's my side.
I'm not getting in my side, that's where Scott No, no, he did not.
When I found him, he was on my side.
You're lying.
I'm not.
OK! You can have the dead side! Hop in, Ben! Yeah, OK.
Oh, don't be silly! Just get in! So being afraid of ghosts is rational but being squeamish about sleeping on the death side is silly? Look, we're both overwrought, it-it's been a long day, let's just calm down and behave like two rational adults.
Like Right, yeah.
It's stupid, stupid, yeah.
I'm gonna sleep on the couch.
OK? I'll just leave you two alone.
- Whooo! - No, Ben! No! (# Gentle organ music in background) It's so small in here.
You would think if you're confessing your sins they'd at least make it comfortable.
- Welcome.
- Oh, hello.
- How are you? - I'm fine.
- When was your last confession? - I'm new to this.
- Forgive me.
- All right.
That was easy.
Shall we get to the confessions then? Right.
To be honest, I'm not sure how this works.
I've seen films You tell me your sins and I give you a penance.
For instance, have you taken the Lord's name in vain or had impure thoughts? Of course, but that's not why I'm here.
I - I killed a man.
- (Excited) Really? - That is a sin, right? - Yes! One of the biggest.
- I didn't mean to.
- No, of course not.
My boss and I were having this healthy debate about his new company policies.
- Yes, yes, go on.
- All completely idiotic.
- Things got out of hand - Ooh! - We had an argument and - And?! - He had a heart attack.
- That's it? - Isn't that enough? - So you didn't really kill him.
Yes, I did! The force of my argument was too much for him.
- You can't be argued to death.
- Yes, you can.
- No, you can't.
- That's your opinion.
- Yes, it is.
- You're wrong.
In God's eyes you're not guilty.
What does He know? If I hadn't talked about those stupid costumes, his heart wouldn't have given out.
Surely you can see I'm right? Oh, my God! I just can't stop killing! Father! Father! Have you tried the Methodists? Janey - a little help? Why do you get a new bed and I don't? Next time someone dies in your bed we'll buy you one! I want to get this mattress downstairs.
- What's the magic word? - I haven't got time for this.
- The new mattress will be here.
- Magic word - Please? - Try again.
There's about to be someone else dead.
The magic word is "money".
Yeah, right! Mikey, give us a hand.
She's got a point.
We don't work without compensation.
- Very funny.
After three.
- This isn't a sweatshop.
- One - Child labour laws I'm your father, not your boss.
That's just semantics.
Pack it in, the pair of you.
Help me or I'll ground you for a month.
Right(!) The last thing you want is us hanging around here! (Laughing) Yeah! Right! Just try me.
Fine, OK, five quid each? Careful, Janey, careful.
- I've got it.
- We're almost there.
- I've got it, just go.
- Steady, steady.
- Oh, my God! - What? - I broke a nail.
- (Yelling) I spent an hour doing these! Don't worry about me, I'm fine.
Janey? Janey?! You OK? Yeah.
Hi, Mikey.
Fancy giving your dad a little hand? Sure.
Seems like a good time to renegotiate terms.
I'll get some cereal so you can consider my offer.
Mich Michael! Michael! (Strains) I don't know why I'm so attracted to you.
- There must be a million reasons.
- No.
Something in your eyes that says - Amore? - Danger.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
I'm drawn to danger.
That's why I got this job.
I've always liked danger too, that's why I got into whatever it is I'm gonna get into.
- Can I ask you something? - Once.
But I didn't inhale.
Why has your mum got this urge to confess? Mum thinks she talked him to death.
- What do you think? - I think you're not wearing a bra.
I thought I'd feel better after confession but I don't.
Because you've nothing to confess.
I'd argue that but I don't want to kill you.
Susan, you want me to be supportive and I am, so here goes - you are a very small person in a very big universe and in your wonderful but insignificant life things just happen regardless of what you say, wish or do.
When does the support part begin? That was it.
I may be a very small person but I have very big ideas.
And a mouth to match.
That was said with great love.
- Really? - Really.
So nothing I do matters, hm? Well, there is one thing.
(Chuckling) - I was right.
- Yeah, yeah, of course.
- You're not just saying that to agree? - No, I'm saying it to get my leg over.
- No, wait.
- What now? - I just felt something.
- I should bloody well hope so.
Not that! Something something otherworldly.
Well I do my best.
- No, something else.
- What? Oh, not him again! It's as if he were still here in the room! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Whatever.
I can't do this with someone watching! - I can.
- Then do it alone.
Look, Susan All right! OK, OK I've got a solution to this problem.
- Exorcism? - No.
It's no good, I still feel like someone's watching.
Hey, Mum.
Hey, Dad.
Have you seen the tool box? - (Ben, muffled) - He said it's in the tool shed.
Cheers.