One Day at a Time (2017) s02e11 Episode Script
Homecoming
1 Lupe, Max will be here soon.
Have you finished packing for your romantic vacación? Almost.
But we're gonna have to stop at the outlet mall on the way to Palm Springs because the only desert wear I have is this.
You need clothing? What kind of romantic vacación is this? - The kind that won't get us arrested.
- That happened one time.
Ay, Elena, your homecoming dance is only 36 hours away.
If I pluck your eyebrows with both hands I may be able to separate them in time.
School dances are barbaric events designed to make less popular kids feel bad.
They're for total narcissists.
Okay, eyes on me.
How fly are my vintage threads for the dance? [PENELOPE.]
Ooh.
Papito, you look so handsome in your abuelo's outfit.
- Who did you decide to go with? - This older girl, Emma.
She's older.
By two months.
Okay.
Well, she had an epic big ask.
It is not polite to talk about your girlfriend's fondillo, no matter how big it is.
No, Abuelita.
"Big ask.
" It's the way kids invite each other to dances now.
It's a whole obnoxious performance.
I am so glad Syd is home-schooled and not into this stuff.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Oh, hey, Syd.
What's happening? I don't know, but I think Syd is wearing their grandpa's outfit too.
["WE DIDN'T START THE FIRE" KARAOKE PLAYING ON PHONE.]
[SNAPPING FINGERS.]
[SINGING.]
Harriet Tubman, Mass Effect Frida Kahlo, full respect Queer theory, gender theory Notorious RBG Women's march, science march Labor march Tax march, equal rights, Bathroom rights Diversity on TV Do we have to watch the rest of this? That is a big ask.
Slam poets, Supergirl You're the cutest in the world Bell hooks, Pokémon Cookie Om-nom-nom-nom-nom! L Word, Will and Grace RuPaul's Drag Race Shantay, you stay What else do I have to say? You set my heart on fire On that day When I didn't know if you were gay You set my heart on fire So please say yes You don't even have to wear a dress Will you go to the dance with me? [GIGGLES.]
Yes! Of course I'll go! - What? But I thought you said - Shut up! [THEME SONG PLAYING.]
I am ready.
I thought we were going away for the weekend, but are we moving to Palm Springs? No.
This one's empty.
Yeah.
It's for the mini shampoos and soaps we're gonna snag from the hotel.
And this is for the free breakfast we're gonna swipe so we don't have to spend money on lunch.
I'll pay for lunch.
Maybe even splurge for Quiznos.
Damn, I didn't know I was dating a rich guy.
[SCOFFS.]
Plus he is charming, he's sexy, he's tan.
He claims to be a gringo, but all signs point to cubano.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Don't answer, it's probably another bad singer.
[LAUGHS.]
Little privacy here? You knocked! Oh, yeah.
Nikki has some stuff she wants to tell you.
[BOTH CLEAR THROAT.]
As an active member of the St.
Bibiana PTA, and presidential candidate "Don't be picky, vote for Nikki.
" It is my duty to inform you you failed to complete your mandatory family volunteer hours.
- You done? [CHUCKLES.]
- Yeah.
Oh, stop that! I'm sorry.
I'll make the hours up soon, okay? Okay, but Uh-uh.
The deadline is Sunday.
But lucky you! I'm short on chaperones for homecoming tomorrow.
Come get your salsa on, chica.
That's not convincing me.
But I can't, because we're going to Palm Springs.
So you can just pay the fine.
It's $50 an hour.
And you're behind 20 hours.
So it's $1,000, no bigs.
What? I don't have that kind of money.
I packed these so we could soft boil them in the Jacuzzi.
I guess I'll see you at homecoming then.
It counts for five hours.
Bye! [CHUCKLES.]
I'm not voting for her.
- [POP SONG PLAYING.]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Whoa! School-schools are way bigger than home schools.
I can't believe it has its own ballroom.
This is a gym.
What? I'm gonna hit the restroom.
I cannot wait to meet all of your friends.
All of your friends? Yeah, so, um Syd kinda thinks I'm really popular.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh Wow! Love really is blind.
Why would Syd think you're popular? - You're only friends with the teachers.
- And the principal! I just I maybe didn't correct some false assumptions.
Syd knows I'm president of a lot of clubs and it's not my fault people hate powerful women.
The same thing happened to Hillary.
You can't say that about everything.
- Okay, how will you pull this off? - With this.
I can skim Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat and find a few facts about these ding-dongs to make it seem like we're friends.
I'm gonna talk to my actual friends, but I'm gonna leave you with this thought.
Maybe you're the ding-dong.
I'm sorry we're not sippin' margaritas by a pool right now.
I had my blender packed and everything.
So that was the buzzing coming from your suitcase.
- I was worried slash excited.
- Oh! Well, thank you for doing this.
With your five hours, my mom's five hours, I'm almost caught up.
Happy to be here.
[GRUNTS.]
God! This place takes me back.
My first homecoming dance, Sister Barbara caught me hiding boxed wine in my top.
She did not buy "My boobs are square.
" [LAUGHS.]
It's like she had a way of sneaking up and yelling at me with her demonic voice.
- Hello, Penelope.
- [EXCLAIMS IN SPANISH.]
Hi.
Hi.
Hi, Sister Barbara.
That's a very red dress.
And also, I see your bosoms have rounded out.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh We had our fun, didn't we, Sister Barbara? I know I was a bad girl, but I'm a nurse now.
And I was in the army.
I turned out pretty okay.
Oh, that's nice.
Pride is a sin.
You know, all chaperones are required to wear black.
Did you receive my e-mail? I sent it through the Internet.
Oh, I don't use e-mail.
That's the devil's work.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, I'm just kidding.
I'm kidding.
Anyway.
I This is Max.
Thank you for helping out today, Max.
Oh, bless.
Is he simple? Well, the Lord made you strong.
[SCOFFS.]
What the hell was that? Sorry, I have a thing for nuns.
- You do? - Yeah.
Small women that boss you around, make you do stuff.
Hot.
Why do you think I like you so much? [CHUCKLES.]
Hello, Sister Barbara.
Blessed be the fruit.
I'd like to introduce you to Schneider, my boyfriend.
Yep, I'm her boyfriend, which is not news to me.
We're not married yet, but we've promised ourselves to each other.
Wonderful.
Is everyone ready for their assignments? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Hey.
How about if Max and I do dance patrol? We all know what goes on in the middle of a dance floor.
The farther you are from the chaperones, the freakier the freakin' gets.
We have a strict anti-freaking policy.
I don't think the situation would be helped by you in that dress.
Well, I don't have another dress, so what do we do? Hey, Mom.
This is Emma.
Emma? Your teenage date? Nice to meet you.
How is she in ninth grade? Was she held back? Like, nine times? Seems like it, right? Let's get a picture.
[SIGHS.]
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- Next! Oh.
Don't worry, guys, I'm here! Hey, Connor.
Remember when you had so much fun in Cancun in 2007? [CHUCKLES.]
I mean, you pet a stingray? Crazy! Elena, how come I never met these guys? You don't know my life.
Just take the picture.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- Got it.
- Hi, I'm Syd Okay.
Tag me when you post it.
Jay-Z is your favorite artist.
You guys want one without her? [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Oh.
Hello? I cannot stop looking at you in that nun outfit.
- It is a choir robe.
- Eh, I can make it work.
See, this sucks.
I like to be near you when you're being pervy.
Oh, I gotta go.
Okay.
I love you.
You what? Hello? What? What? What? Oh, hi, Penelope.
Hey, Doc.
Thanks for coming on such short notice.
You're my last five hours.
Of course.
I have never been to a school dance before.
My mother was afraid I'd contract mononucleosis.
I never did.
Aw [CHUCKLES.]
Could you take over the photo booth for a minute? - I need to talk to Max.
- Sure.
Finally, I get to hang with the cool kids.
Like this guy.
- Lupe? - What? Why is Leslie here? Is he stalking me? I asked him to come help finish my hours.
I didn't think you'd mind.
You said you were okay with him dating someone new.
Of course I'm okay.
It's him I am worried about.
I mean, seeing me look this fabulous? It is so cruel.
Where are you going? Mami, I think I just heard Max say he loves me.
- Why are you still standing here? Run! - [CHUCKLES.]
- Pen! - What? Oh, thank God.
Did you hear what Nikki said to Sister Barbara? - She thinks I'm her boyfriend? - I can't stress how little I care.
I know! I can't stop thinking about it either.
On one hand, Nikki is a terrible person.
On the other hand, is it time for me to get married? [SIGHS.]
Excited to see this next chapter of your life unfold.
Bye! Hello, you.
Hey.
I'm just keeping an eye on Alex and his date.
He got pulled into the booty-dancing jungle and a loose woman told me that's where the freaking takes place.
Hey, good looking out.
I wanted to ask, when we hung up you said something [UPBEAT SONG PLAYING.]
This is my jam! But wait Oh, damn! This is my jam too! It takes two to make a thing go right It takes two to make it outta sight It takes two to make a thing go right Oh.
Hi, Sister Barbara.
Why have you abandoned the photo booth? The children are taking pictures of their rear ends.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was I was just keeping an eye on the dance floor.
You know, showing the kids what not to do.
Yeah.
Hey, kids, don't do this.
[GRUNTING.]
I do not like it! Elena! - Hey, Mrs.
Wallace.
- What up, girl? Hey, how is your Susan B.
Anthony claymation coming along? Thank you for texting me all those updates.
[EXCLAIMS.]
You are really capturing her handsome severity.
- You're friends with your teacher? - No! She does this.
It's weird.
I'm friends with her! Hey, Suehee! Do I know you? Girl, your one-year anniversary since your braces came off? Hashtag, time flies.
- Let's just go dance over here.
- By the trash? Yeah.
I need some empty space to pop and lock.
[TANGO MUSIC PLAYING.]
Finally.
My request.
Hello, Leslie.
How is Esme? The woman whose name I refuse to mention.
Well, Esme and I actually have been taking dance classes.
Oh, really? Well, I guess she ruined you as a dancer.
She did not.
I was already ruined.
It's not her fault that She's so irresistible But all the damage she's caused Isn't fixable Every 20 seconds you repeat her name But when it comes to me We can't.
It is forbidden.
Objection I don't want to be the exception To get a bit of your attention I love you for free And I'm not your mother But you don't even bother Objection Oh, this used to be my spot.
All my best bad girl stuff was done here.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm just glad we escaped Sister Barbara's sexy clutches.
Now that we are alone, I wanted to ask you something.
Earlier, on the phone, I thought I heard you say "I love you"? Yeah.
I did.
Why'd you say that? 'Cause I love you.
Oh, I'm sorry, was I supposed to choreograph that to a Billy Joel song? No.
Boyz II Men.
I wasn't planning on telling you at a school dance, across the room, on the phone.
But I've been thinking about it for a while and there you were in that sexy nun outfit.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [SIGHS.]
What can I say? The power of Christ compelled me.
I wasn't planning on telling you in a stinky choir robe that smells like incense and Fritos.
- But you were planning on telling me? - At dinner in Palm Springs over a beautiful bottle of wine I won on the radio.
- Tell me what, exactly? - Come here.
I love you too.
Oh You know what I could use right now? Here? - Okay.
- [GASPS.]
Oh, I can't believe they're still here.
[GASPS AND LAUGHS.]
Whoa! Are you sure you want to do that? Those are 20 years old.
And they're cigarettes.
Hey, as long as I'm being a bad girl Oh, yeah.
[COUGHING.]
God! Why did I ever like this? [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
Sister Barbara! What do you need to talk about that's so important? After a grueling 30 minutes of thought Nikki, will you be my starter wife? Schneider, I don't wanna get married.
I just got divorced.
You're on the rebound.
That's the best time to get married.
You don't have time to think.
Aw, that's so stupid.
But what about all that boyfriend stuff you said to Sister Barbara? I was trying to impress her.
I'm running for PTA president.
Hello? I told everybody else you were my manny.
So you were never thinking about me? My emotions? My feelings? - Oh, God, no.
- [GASPS.]
You used me, Nikki, Finn's mom! And not in the way I like! Oh Ew.
Kids are so gross.
Smoking in the hallway? And that's not all, Sister Barbara.
We knew each other.
Biblically.
And while we were doing it, she took the Lord's name in vain.
A lot! [UPBEAT SONG PLAYING.]
Whoo! I am all popped and locked out.
- And look at that, it's almost 10:00.
- It's 8:30.
And you're not wearing a watch.
Look.
I know why you haven't introduced me to any of your friends.
- You do? - Yeah.
You're embarrassed of me.
What? No, no, no.
I'm not embarrassed of you.
I'm embarrassed of me.
I don't have very many friends.
Like, if I were to count them, I wouldn't say any numbers.
- This, it really isn't my thing.
- Then why did you say yes? You were so excited.
And your big ask was amazing.
You must have worked on that song for forever.
Actually, I just really got in the zone.
The lyrics were sort of writing me, you know? I pretended that these people were my friends, but, honestly, for some reason, I'm not that popular.
Hey, planet killer! Recycle that! I don't know what it is exactly.
I'm sorry I let you believe I was someone I'm not.
[SIGHS.]
Elena, I'm home-schooled.
My only classmate is my chinchilla.
[CHUCKLES.]
And Roxie's a total mean girl.
I don't care that you don't have any friends.
Aw I don't care that you don't have any friends.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
We should probably make some friends.
Actually, I do have one friend here at the dance.
I haven't been kind to her tonight.
Hey, Mrs.
Wallace.
Elena.
I want you to meet my girlfriend, Syd.
Syd, this is my friend.
Mrs.
Wallace.
- I'm really sorry.
- I get it.
I was a teenager once.
Of course, I didn't have teachers as cool as me.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
Ooh, can we have this dance? Uh, yeah.
Let's show these losers how it's done.
Time after Sometimes you picture me I'm walking too far ahead You're calling to me I can't hear what you've said Lydia.
Esme and I broke up.
Oh, Leslie, I am sorry.
How dare she! Esa boba thinks that she can do better than a doctor just because his arms happen to be longer than his legs? Actually, I broke up with her.
[GASPS.]
¿Cómo? Why? Because I realized you're the one I want to be with.
In whatever way it means to you.
Look, I don't know how much time I have left on this lonely, spinning space rock we call Earth but I know I don't want to spend it without you.
Ay, Leslie we're going to be friends again.
[LAUGHS.]
Come over tomorrow.
We will sit a respectable distance from each other and watch the Property Brothers.
[CHUCKLES.]
Now I'm blushing.
[LAUGHING.]
So, just to be clear just friends? Well, friends who occasionally hug.
Papito, what happened to your date? Did you find out she was an undercover cop here on assignment? [SIGHS.]
Turns out she was just using me to make stupid Travis Aarons jealous.
- [LAUGHING.]
- Oh, not with my son.
Whoa! Keep your earrings on.
Dude, you are not looking at this the right way.
A ninth-grade girl, who I swear was on The Bachelor last season just used you to make another guy jealous.
And it worked.
You gotta be pretty cool for that to happen.
- [CHUCKLES.]
You think? - Are you kidding? And now you got that whole sad-puppy-dog thing going for you.
Girls eat that stuff up.
Hey! That's true, though.
So, get back on the dance floor and show the ladies what you got.
[SCOFFS.]
Please.
They already know.
And just like that, he's back.
Can I have this dance? I am very impressed.
You were really great with Alex right now.
Oh.
Well, he's a great kid.
So is Elena.
Probably has something to do with their mom.
- Yeah.
They are pretty great, right? - Yeah.
I can't wait to have kids.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]
Have you finished packing for your romantic vacación? Almost.
But we're gonna have to stop at the outlet mall on the way to Palm Springs because the only desert wear I have is this.
You need clothing? What kind of romantic vacación is this? - The kind that won't get us arrested.
- That happened one time.
Ay, Elena, your homecoming dance is only 36 hours away.
If I pluck your eyebrows with both hands I may be able to separate them in time.
School dances are barbaric events designed to make less popular kids feel bad.
They're for total narcissists.
Okay, eyes on me.
How fly are my vintage threads for the dance? [PENELOPE.]
Ooh.
Papito, you look so handsome in your abuelo's outfit.
- Who did you decide to go with? - This older girl, Emma.
She's older.
By two months.
Okay.
Well, she had an epic big ask.
It is not polite to talk about your girlfriend's fondillo, no matter how big it is.
No, Abuelita.
"Big ask.
" It's the way kids invite each other to dances now.
It's a whole obnoxious performance.
I am so glad Syd is home-schooled and not into this stuff.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Oh, hey, Syd.
What's happening? I don't know, but I think Syd is wearing their grandpa's outfit too.
["WE DIDN'T START THE FIRE" KARAOKE PLAYING ON PHONE.]
[SNAPPING FINGERS.]
[SINGING.]
Harriet Tubman, Mass Effect Frida Kahlo, full respect Queer theory, gender theory Notorious RBG Women's march, science march Labor march Tax march, equal rights, Bathroom rights Diversity on TV Do we have to watch the rest of this? That is a big ask.
Slam poets, Supergirl You're the cutest in the world Bell hooks, Pokémon Cookie Om-nom-nom-nom-nom! L Word, Will and Grace RuPaul's Drag Race Shantay, you stay What else do I have to say? You set my heart on fire On that day When I didn't know if you were gay You set my heart on fire So please say yes You don't even have to wear a dress Will you go to the dance with me? [GIGGLES.]
Yes! Of course I'll go! - What? But I thought you said - Shut up! [THEME SONG PLAYING.]
I am ready.
I thought we were going away for the weekend, but are we moving to Palm Springs? No.
This one's empty.
Yeah.
It's for the mini shampoos and soaps we're gonna snag from the hotel.
And this is for the free breakfast we're gonna swipe so we don't have to spend money on lunch.
I'll pay for lunch.
Maybe even splurge for Quiznos.
Damn, I didn't know I was dating a rich guy.
[SCOFFS.]
Plus he is charming, he's sexy, he's tan.
He claims to be a gringo, but all signs point to cubano.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR.]
Don't answer, it's probably another bad singer.
[LAUGHS.]
Little privacy here? You knocked! Oh, yeah.
Nikki has some stuff she wants to tell you.
[BOTH CLEAR THROAT.]
As an active member of the St.
Bibiana PTA, and presidential candidate "Don't be picky, vote for Nikki.
" It is my duty to inform you you failed to complete your mandatory family volunteer hours.
- You done? [CHUCKLES.]
- Yeah.
Oh, stop that! I'm sorry.
I'll make the hours up soon, okay? Okay, but Uh-uh.
The deadline is Sunday.
But lucky you! I'm short on chaperones for homecoming tomorrow.
Come get your salsa on, chica.
That's not convincing me.
But I can't, because we're going to Palm Springs.
So you can just pay the fine.
It's $50 an hour.
And you're behind 20 hours.
So it's $1,000, no bigs.
What? I don't have that kind of money.
I packed these so we could soft boil them in the Jacuzzi.
I guess I'll see you at homecoming then.
It counts for five hours.
Bye! [CHUCKLES.]
I'm not voting for her.
- [POP SONG PLAYING.]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER.]
Whoa! School-schools are way bigger than home schools.
I can't believe it has its own ballroom.
This is a gym.
What? I'm gonna hit the restroom.
I cannot wait to meet all of your friends.
All of your friends? Yeah, so, um Syd kinda thinks I'm really popular.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh Wow! Love really is blind.
Why would Syd think you're popular? - You're only friends with the teachers.
- And the principal! I just I maybe didn't correct some false assumptions.
Syd knows I'm president of a lot of clubs and it's not my fault people hate powerful women.
The same thing happened to Hillary.
You can't say that about everything.
- Okay, how will you pull this off? - With this.
I can skim Facebook, Instagram and Snapchat and find a few facts about these ding-dongs to make it seem like we're friends.
I'm gonna talk to my actual friends, but I'm gonna leave you with this thought.
Maybe you're the ding-dong.
I'm sorry we're not sippin' margaritas by a pool right now.
I had my blender packed and everything.
So that was the buzzing coming from your suitcase.
- I was worried slash excited.
- Oh! Well, thank you for doing this.
With your five hours, my mom's five hours, I'm almost caught up.
Happy to be here.
[GRUNTS.]
God! This place takes me back.
My first homecoming dance, Sister Barbara caught me hiding boxed wine in my top.
She did not buy "My boobs are square.
" [LAUGHS.]
It's like she had a way of sneaking up and yelling at me with her demonic voice.
- Hello, Penelope.
- [EXCLAIMS IN SPANISH.]
Hi.
Hi.
Hi, Sister Barbara.
That's a very red dress.
And also, I see your bosoms have rounded out.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh We had our fun, didn't we, Sister Barbara? I know I was a bad girl, but I'm a nurse now.
And I was in the army.
I turned out pretty okay.
Oh, that's nice.
Pride is a sin.
You know, all chaperones are required to wear black.
Did you receive my e-mail? I sent it through the Internet.
Oh, I don't use e-mail.
That's the devil's work.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, I'm just kidding.
I'm kidding.
Anyway.
I This is Max.
Thank you for helping out today, Max.
Oh, bless.
Is he simple? Well, the Lord made you strong.
[SCOFFS.]
What the hell was that? Sorry, I have a thing for nuns.
- You do? - Yeah.
Small women that boss you around, make you do stuff.
Hot.
Why do you think I like you so much? [CHUCKLES.]
Hello, Sister Barbara.
Blessed be the fruit.
I'd like to introduce you to Schneider, my boyfriend.
Yep, I'm her boyfriend, which is not news to me.
We're not married yet, but we've promised ourselves to each other.
Wonderful.
Is everyone ready for their assignments? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Hey.
How about if Max and I do dance patrol? We all know what goes on in the middle of a dance floor.
The farther you are from the chaperones, the freakier the freakin' gets.
We have a strict anti-freaking policy.
I don't think the situation would be helped by you in that dress.
Well, I don't have another dress, so what do we do? Hey, Mom.
This is Emma.
Emma? Your teenage date? Nice to meet you.
How is she in ninth grade? Was she held back? Like, nine times? Seems like it, right? Let's get a picture.
[SIGHS.]
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- Next! Oh.
Don't worry, guys, I'm here! Hey, Connor.
Remember when you had so much fun in Cancun in 2007? [CHUCKLES.]
I mean, you pet a stingray? Crazy! Elena, how come I never met these guys? You don't know my life.
Just take the picture.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
- Got it.
- Hi, I'm Syd Okay.
Tag me when you post it.
Jay-Z is your favorite artist.
You guys want one without her? [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS.]
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
Oh.
Hello? I cannot stop looking at you in that nun outfit.
- It is a choir robe.
- Eh, I can make it work.
See, this sucks.
I like to be near you when you're being pervy.
Oh, I gotta go.
Okay.
I love you.
You what? Hello? What? What? What? Oh, hi, Penelope.
Hey, Doc.
Thanks for coming on such short notice.
You're my last five hours.
Of course.
I have never been to a school dance before.
My mother was afraid I'd contract mononucleosis.
I never did.
Aw [CHUCKLES.]
Could you take over the photo booth for a minute? - I need to talk to Max.
- Sure.
Finally, I get to hang with the cool kids.
Like this guy.
- Lupe? - What? Why is Leslie here? Is he stalking me? I asked him to come help finish my hours.
I didn't think you'd mind.
You said you were okay with him dating someone new.
Of course I'm okay.
It's him I am worried about.
I mean, seeing me look this fabulous? It is so cruel.
Where are you going? Mami, I think I just heard Max say he loves me.
- Why are you still standing here? Run! - [CHUCKLES.]
- Pen! - What? Oh, thank God.
Did you hear what Nikki said to Sister Barbara? - She thinks I'm her boyfriend? - I can't stress how little I care.
I know! I can't stop thinking about it either.
On one hand, Nikki is a terrible person.
On the other hand, is it time for me to get married? [SIGHS.]
Excited to see this next chapter of your life unfold.
Bye! Hello, you.
Hey.
I'm just keeping an eye on Alex and his date.
He got pulled into the booty-dancing jungle and a loose woman told me that's where the freaking takes place.
Hey, good looking out.
I wanted to ask, when we hung up you said something [UPBEAT SONG PLAYING.]
This is my jam! But wait Oh, damn! This is my jam too! It takes two to make a thing go right It takes two to make it outta sight It takes two to make a thing go right Oh.
Hi, Sister Barbara.
Why have you abandoned the photo booth? The children are taking pictures of their rear ends.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was I was just keeping an eye on the dance floor.
You know, showing the kids what not to do.
Yeah.
Hey, kids, don't do this.
[GRUNTING.]
I do not like it! Elena! - Hey, Mrs.
Wallace.
- What up, girl? Hey, how is your Susan B.
Anthony claymation coming along? Thank you for texting me all those updates.
[EXCLAIMS.]
You are really capturing her handsome severity.
- You're friends with your teacher? - No! She does this.
It's weird.
I'm friends with her! Hey, Suehee! Do I know you? Girl, your one-year anniversary since your braces came off? Hashtag, time flies.
- Let's just go dance over here.
- By the trash? Yeah.
I need some empty space to pop and lock.
[TANGO MUSIC PLAYING.]
Finally.
My request.
Hello, Leslie.
How is Esme? The woman whose name I refuse to mention.
Well, Esme and I actually have been taking dance classes.
Oh, really? Well, I guess she ruined you as a dancer.
She did not.
I was already ruined.
It's not her fault that She's so irresistible But all the damage she's caused Isn't fixable Every 20 seconds you repeat her name But when it comes to me We can't.
It is forbidden.
Objection I don't want to be the exception To get a bit of your attention I love you for free And I'm not your mother But you don't even bother Objection Oh, this used to be my spot.
All my best bad girl stuff was done here.
[CHUCKLES.]
I'm just glad we escaped Sister Barbara's sexy clutches.
Now that we are alone, I wanted to ask you something.
Earlier, on the phone, I thought I heard you say "I love you"? Yeah.
I did.
Why'd you say that? 'Cause I love you.
Oh, I'm sorry, was I supposed to choreograph that to a Billy Joel song? No.
Boyz II Men.
I wasn't planning on telling you at a school dance, across the room, on the phone.
But I've been thinking about it for a while and there you were in that sexy nun outfit.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [SIGHS.]
What can I say? The power of Christ compelled me.
I wasn't planning on telling you in a stinky choir robe that smells like incense and Fritos.
- But you were planning on telling me? - At dinner in Palm Springs over a beautiful bottle of wine I won on the radio.
- Tell me what, exactly? - Come here.
I love you too.
Oh You know what I could use right now? Here? - Okay.
- [GASPS.]
Oh, I can't believe they're still here.
[GASPS AND LAUGHS.]
Whoa! Are you sure you want to do that? Those are 20 years old.
And they're cigarettes.
Hey, as long as I'm being a bad girl Oh, yeah.
[COUGHING.]
God! Why did I ever like this? [FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING.]
Sister Barbara! What do you need to talk about that's so important? After a grueling 30 minutes of thought Nikki, will you be my starter wife? Schneider, I don't wanna get married.
I just got divorced.
You're on the rebound.
That's the best time to get married.
You don't have time to think.
Aw, that's so stupid.
But what about all that boyfriend stuff you said to Sister Barbara? I was trying to impress her.
I'm running for PTA president.
Hello? I told everybody else you were my manny.
So you were never thinking about me? My emotions? My feelings? - Oh, God, no.
- [GASPS.]
You used me, Nikki, Finn's mom! And not in the way I like! Oh Ew.
Kids are so gross.
Smoking in the hallway? And that's not all, Sister Barbara.
We knew each other.
Biblically.
And while we were doing it, she took the Lord's name in vain.
A lot! [UPBEAT SONG PLAYING.]
Whoo! I am all popped and locked out.
- And look at that, it's almost 10:00.
- It's 8:30.
And you're not wearing a watch.
Look.
I know why you haven't introduced me to any of your friends.
- You do? - Yeah.
You're embarrassed of me.
What? No, no, no.
I'm not embarrassed of you.
I'm embarrassed of me.
I don't have very many friends.
Like, if I were to count them, I wouldn't say any numbers.
- This, it really isn't my thing.
- Then why did you say yes? You were so excited.
And your big ask was amazing.
You must have worked on that song for forever.
Actually, I just really got in the zone.
The lyrics were sort of writing me, you know? I pretended that these people were my friends, but, honestly, for some reason, I'm not that popular.
Hey, planet killer! Recycle that! I don't know what it is exactly.
I'm sorry I let you believe I was someone I'm not.
[SIGHS.]
Elena, I'm home-schooled.
My only classmate is my chinchilla.
[CHUCKLES.]
And Roxie's a total mean girl.
I don't care that you don't have any friends.
Aw I don't care that you don't have any friends.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
We should probably make some friends.
Actually, I do have one friend here at the dance.
I haven't been kind to her tonight.
Hey, Mrs.
Wallace.
Elena.
I want you to meet my girlfriend, Syd.
Syd, this is my friend.
Mrs.
Wallace.
- I'm really sorry.
- I get it.
I was a teenager once.
Of course, I didn't have teachers as cool as me.
[BOTH CHUCKLING.]
Ooh, can we have this dance? Uh, yeah.
Let's show these losers how it's done.
Time after Sometimes you picture me I'm walking too far ahead You're calling to me I can't hear what you've said Lydia.
Esme and I broke up.
Oh, Leslie, I am sorry.
How dare she! Esa boba thinks that she can do better than a doctor just because his arms happen to be longer than his legs? Actually, I broke up with her.
[GASPS.]
¿Cómo? Why? Because I realized you're the one I want to be with.
In whatever way it means to you.
Look, I don't know how much time I have left on this lonely, spinning space rock we call Earth but I know I don't want to spend it without you.
Ay, Leslie we're going to be friends again.
[LAUGHS.]
Come over tomorrow.
We will sit a respectable distance from each other and watch the Property Brothers.
[CHUCKLES.]
Now I'm blushing.
[LAUGHING.]
So, just to be clear just friends? Well, friends who occasionally hug.
Papito, what happened to your date? Did you find out she was an undercover cop here on assignment? [SIGHS.]
Turns out she was just using me to make stupid Travis Aarons jealous.
- [LAUGHING.]
- Oh, not with my son.
Whoa! Keep your earrings on.
Dude, you are not looking at this the right way.
A ninth-grade girl, who I swear was on The Bachelor last season just used you to make another guy jealous.
And it worked.
You gotta be pretty cool for that to happen.
- [CHUCKLES.]
You think? - Are you kidding? And now you got that whole sad-puppy-dog thing going for you.
Girls eat that stuff up.
Hey! That's true, though.
So, get back on the dance floor and show the ladies what you got.
[SCOFFS.]
Please.
They already know.
And just like that, he's back.
Can I have this dance? I am very impressed.
You were really great with Alex right now.
Oh.
Well, he's a great kid.
So is Elena.
Probably has something to do with their mom.
- Yeah.
They are pretty great, right? - Yeah.
I can't wait to have kids.
[MUSIC PLAYING.]