Package Deal (2013) s02e11 Episode Script

Why did you get me up on my only day off to come to a storage locker auction? Oh, this isn't gonna be just any old auction.
Trust me.
This is gonna be sweet.
Sheldon, I thought you hated other people's old crap.
I do.
But this is our crap.
When mom and dad died, I took all the stuff from the house and, well, I stored it right in here.
So why do we have to buy it back? Well, you know how you're supposed to pay your bills? I'm familiar.
Well, I did the opposite of that.
Ladies and gentleman, here are the auction rules.
You have three minutes to look inside the locker before the auction begins.
However, you may not enter the locker until the winning bid has been called.
Look at this mess.
Are you sure we even want this? Oh! Those are my old comic books! Sheldon's right! We can't just get rid of this! This represents all of my childhood memories! Maybe even the ones I repressed! Plus, you do always hear about those people finding priceless treasures at these things.
You know, a rare coin, a Faberge egg, a Picasso.
A mint-condition "Lite Brite" set, a Chewbacca piggy-bank, the first issue of "Hustler" magazine.
Okay.
Now, I'm gonna do all the bidding here, okay? I'm the businessman.
I'll keep the cost way down.
Alright, let's start the bidding at E-yup! Sir, I haven't even opened the bid yet.
Sorry, I just really want this locker bad.
Way to not show your hand.
Alright, guys, let's start the bidding at 400.
Hai-yeah! Oh, yup! E-yup! Hai-yeah! Guys! We're bidding against ourselves here.
Ooh-yeah, ooh-ooh.
I got this.
Hai-yeah! Guys, stop bidding.
E-yup! - This is stupid.
- Exactly! One of us should just $1,500! $1,500! Going once, twice, three times Sold to the man who's got absolutely no working knowledge of an auction! Yes! Okay, that was stupid.
E-yup! I'm agreeing with Danny.
[.]
Propane tanks, briquettes, lighter fluid.
Is it safe to be in here? Hey, don't worry, Danny.
If a fire breaks out, we can smother it with this oily tent.
And highly-flammable toys.
I remember I won that for you at the carnival.
Yeah, it still smells like the fairgrounds.
Hot dogs.
Cotton candy.
Vomit! [Gags.]
Oh, yeah, vomit bear! You know, no disrespect to our parents, but this stuff kind of looks like junk to me.
Wait a minute.
Junk? Come on! Don't you remember this? Huh? When we worked our way down from the bleachers and got Michael Jordan to sign it for us? "To the White boys.
" Well, that's unfortunate.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! Gosh! Look what I found.
It's "Leon Troutsky!" Oh, I used to love this fish! Do you remember? It hung over the mantle.
Right next to that picture of Great-grandma White.
Yeah.
I remember.
They both had the same teeth.
Can you just put that thing away? It always scared the hell out of me.
I could never understand why dad insisted it stay up.
Uh, because it's a 20-pound trout.
Uh, it's a pike.
Whatever.
Guess who's got two thumbs and reeled it in all by himself? This guy.
Come on, Ryan.
You sucked those thumbs until you were 12 years old.
Dad was the one who took the hook out of its mouth.
Oh, like I'm gonna touch a fish? Besides, you're just jealous.
You should've seen Sheldon all boo-hoo with his piddly little 6-inch perch.
And the look on dad's face, all proud I think I'm gonna lose it.
Oh, boy, looks like we're about to pull into the cry cafe for a sob salad and a tearachino.
Whoa! Is this mom? She was so young and pretty.
Hey, wow.
She looks just like Kim.
Wh How dare you say that about our mother? Huh? Oh, my God.
It's uncanny.
She's even got those eyes that scold you without saying a word.
She doesn't look anything like Kim.
Most of my therapists agree that men who fall for women who look just like their mothers have unresolved sexual issues toward them.
What about men who seek out women that cheat? Ironically, brother issues.
Are we about done? I don't know.
There's still a crap-ton of stuff in here.
So what are you gonna do with it? I was thinking about renting out a storage locker.
I love vintage comics.
Do you have Spider-Man from the '80s? No, but somewhere in there is a Hulk from the '90s.
It's pretty cool.
He beats up hootie and the blowfish.
Whoa! Oh.
There's a Playboy in here.
Oh.
Yeah.
Sheldon used to swap out the covers when we were kids and sell them.
It was his first business venture.
[Laughs.]
Whoa! That's a lot of hair.
Yeah, perms were very popular back Oh.
You mean that.
[Both chuckling.]
Ooh.
That feels good.
Oh, getting a little scruffy back there.
What was that? Oh, time for a haircut, mister.
Come on, scruffy.
It's bedtime.
Yeah, I don't know.
I just, uh, I just got started on these and, well, I'd like to cross-catalog them all alphabetically, and by villain.
Oh, well, if that's what you wanna do.
I'll be upstairs.
Danny! Can you please stop leaving your shoes everywhere? Honestly, if I've asked you once, I've asked you a million times! [Conch bellows.]
Nice lamp, nice lamp.
Give you $30 for the lamp.
Do you ever talk normally? Going once, going twice Sold! Wait a minute.
I didn't say it was for sale.
Not sold.
Uh, hold on a sec.
Okay.
Okay.
I'll take it.
Nice jacket.
Looks like you got it from a crackhead.
Crackhead, crackhead.
Do I hear crackhead? Hey, this is my jacket.
You got a lot of nice stuff here.
You gonna make a lot of money.
You gonna make a lot of money.
who wants a hockey player no longer alive? Yop! He's got a stick, he's got a puck, if you're not here to bid, then hey, what the f Hey-ya! Sold, to the lady with the nicotine-stained fingers.
Alright, last item up for bid.
A toilet seat from the greenroom at Caesar's palace! [All groaning.]
Hey, come on! Elvis's ass touched this thing! I'm talking about the King himself! Well, I'll give you 50! Sold! [Like Elvis.]
: I thank you.
I thank-you-very-much.
Sheldon, what is that guy doing holding our old downstairs toilet seat? Well, turns out I'm a natural auctioneer.
I was able to unload a bunch of this locker junk.
No more storage fees.
A bunch of it? You sold everything! Well, not everything.
We've still got the VCR machine and a box of video tapes.
Sheldon, what the hell? You got rid of Leon Troutsky! Man, that fish represented the best moment of my entire childhood, and you just got rid of it! Ahh, this is worse than the time Alison sold her wedding dress on eBay.
Well, a lot of women do that.
It was three days before the wedding.
I'll tell you what.
I made 60 bucks.
Why don't you come shopping with me? Help me pick something out for myself.
I can't believe Sheldon would just sell off that fish.
I can't believe you actually caught a fish.
Well, I also caught poison oak, poison ivy, and a mysterious rash that reoccurs every summer.
I thought you loved those trips.
Oh, I hated those trips! Dad and Sheldon loved them.
Toughin' it out.
Eating tree bark.
One time, I got a tick in my scrotum! That explains why you're always scratching yourself in the vacation photos.
Anyway, consider yourself the lucky one.
You were just a baby.
You were still home, suckling on mom's breast.
Oh! Please don't go there.
I don't know if it was just the lighting, but last night, I swear, I saw mom in Kim's face.
Really? Well, did she tell you she loved me? It didn't come up.
In fact nothing did.
What if this ruins our sex life? Been there.
Toward the end, Alison would only let me have fruit-fly sex.
What the hell is that? Fruit flies only mate once a year, and then they die.
She always seemed so disappointed afterward.
Don't feel too bad, okay? It's not like you're the first guy in history to have mommy issues.
I don't have "mommy issues.
" [High voice.]
: "Norman, come closer.
"Come closer to the bed where mother can see you, Norman.
" Psycho.
Ryan.
[Thump.]
I brought you a peace offering.
It's a can of tuna.
A fish is a fish.
At least it's travel-size.
I'm not talking to you until I get that fish back.
Look, I told you I'm sorry, okay? This auctioneer-speak is just too good.
It speeds everything up.
Like picking up chicks.
You've got great hair.
You've got nice boobs.
Really like your ass.
Hate your red shoes.
See? It's a gift.
You know what I'm beginning to think? You did it on purpose.
You're still mad because I caught a bigger trout than you! - Pike! - Whatever! Look, it's a stupid stuffed fish.
If you really want the damn thing, I'll get it back for you.
Do you really have to? Look, I got enough disturbing images floating around in my head.
Wait.
What's that supposed to mean? Danny can't sleep with Kim now because she reminds him of mom.
I knew it! Mother issues.
I don't have mother issues! [Mocks "Psycho" violin screech.]
[Laughs.]
Psycho! Look.
See? Sheldon gets it.
Look, I feel sorry for you, little dude.
You'd better get back in there and get some, before it's too late.
Too late? Yeah.
I know this guy who realized his wife looked like Alex Trebek.
And what, they never had sex again after that? No.
They didn't have sex before.
She had a moustache, for crying out loud.
Wild night? What makes you say that? 'Cause you're actually drinking caffeinated tea.
That's about as rock 'n' roll as you ever get.
Danny was up half the night looking at comics he found in that stupid storage locker.
He finally comes to bed.
I gear up Mm-hmm.
And? And he throws me back into neutral! I get it.
You're feeling unfulfilled? Easy fix.
Go lean against that corner.
When the subway comes by, it vibrates like a son of a bitch.
Nikki! Have you been doing that when I'm not here? I got an eight-hour shift, I get bored! You're just in luck.
The 2:15 is coming.
It's not that simple.
He was acting weird.
He wouldn't even look me in the eye.
Who cares about eye contact? There's nothing that interesting going on above the waist anyway.
No, it was something else.
I think something about that storage locker set him off.
Well, he did lose his parents at a young age.
We all saw what that did to Batman.
Maybe he just Needs a little extra comforting right now.
You know, I guess it wouldn't hurt to just mother him a little.
Yeah, sure.
Try it your way.
But if that doesn't work, I know another great trick with a metal chair and a couple of jumper cables.
[Coughs.]
Hey.
Now, that is what I call a room with a view.
We may not even get up Cookie? They're oatmeal.
Your favorite! Suddenly not hungry.
Oh, come on! Sit down.
I'll get you a nice tall glass of milk.
Might need something a little stronger.
Ooh! Do you want me to make you cocoa? No.
Not what I was thinking.
Do you know what, Kim? Forget the cookies.
Come over here.
I want you.
What's wrong? Nothing.
Nothing's wrong.
Why-Why-Why would anything be wrong? Well, you're not looking at me.
Of course, I'm looking at you.
I just I well, I have something in my eye.
- Shh, hold on.
I'll get it.
- No.
No, it's okay.
It's really it's There you go.
Make a wish! [Puffs weakly.]
Now, where were we? [Giggles salaciously.]
Yeah! So that was really, really nice.
Um, ahem.
But I'm gonna be upstairs, doing some work.
Hah.
Hoo.
Where are you going? Oh, the tea shop.
If I hurry, I can make the 8:05.
So, uh Gale, can I get you a drink? Maybe a tequila? Bloody Mary? Sambuca? I'm an alcoholic.
So all three, then? Are we doing this or not? I gotta see a guy about an Alaskan halibut.
Listen, I'll give you Ha! Sorry, I had it appraised.
It's worth a lot more than that.
Gale, baby.
It's Sheldon talking.
Okay? Come on! We're both fish-lovers here.
"Affishianados," if you will.
I'm sure we can come up with a deal that's win-win.
You know what? This fish really doesn't mean that much to me.
Leon Troutsky! You got him back! Oh, this fish means everything to me.
Wait! I thought you just said 200! Well, you got a little bit of a tell.
You know what? Why don't you get lost? Wait a second! No way! I'd pay anything for this.
- 1,000! - Deal! Ryan, quit it.
- Why don't we make it two? - Double deal! Ryan, I'm not gonna let you pay two grand for that fish! I'd pay 10! Well, now, that's just a little sad.
Ryan, you don't understand.
You didn't catch that fish, okay? I did.
Oh, Sheldon, this is pathetic.
Just accept it! I'm a better trout fisherman than you.
It's a pike! And you were too squeamish to pull it up, okay? I had that fish stored under a dock on a stringer.
I switched them out.
Oh, for the I can't believe I'm hearing this.
Do you believe this? To be honest, I'm not really getting the "fisherman" vibe from you.
More like "gay optometrist.
" Listen.
Ryan, think about it.
How many fish did you catch before that day? And how many fish have you caught after that day? Well, I You switched the fish! Why would you do that? Because I couldn't take your whining anymore about the trip! "Oh! It's too hot.
" "It's too cold.
" "There's a tick in my scrotum.
" Look, you even made dad drive just so you could use a real toilet! Oh, what, so I'm supposed to go in the woods like an animal? I'll tell you what.
I'll give you the fish.
I don't want your pity-fish, Gale.
It's his fish! Give it to him! Wait! I don't want it! I don't want it.
It's bad juju.
[Guys.]
: Take it! Look.
I really don't know what you're so upset about.
That was 20 years ago.
Sheldon, if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you.
You just don't get it, do you? Wait! Where are you going? I'm going to the bathroom! Well, it's not that way! I don't use the bathrooms here! I'm going to McDonald's.
Uh, Ryan, would you mind giving me that comic book if you're done with it? Danny, would you please tell your brother if he'd like to read a comic, there's a perfectly good Wonder Twins in the pile on the table.
Will you two shut up? I'm trying to read this Playboy interview with Gary Coleman.
Look, I'm not the one who's acting like someone who got stood up for the prom.
As you well know, I was stood up for prom! Did you orchestrate that, too? Look, are you still mad at me? Because I've done a lot worse.
Remember the time I shot you in the hand with a BB gun? Oh.
Big deal.
So I can't make a full fist now.
It's not like I was gonna join the Black Panthers.
Okay, what about the time I googled "how to make a pipe bomb" in your laptop, and you got put on the no-fly list? Or that time he slept with Ingrid, that girl you had a crush on.
That was the girl that stood me up for the prom! That was supposed to be between us.
Look, how much worse can this fish incident be? You really want to know? Way worse.
Because that was the one moment of my entire childhood when I finally got dad's approval.
It wasn't even real! Where is that Wonder Twins? Come on, Ryan.
Dad loved you.
Yeah, but he never got me.
To be honest, we don't get you.
You and dad were so tight.
I was always the odd man out.
When I caught that fish, I finally felt like I was part of the club.
Well, if you're talking about the time dad and I went into that club and left you sitting outside, it's because you weren't old enough.
Then why'd you leave me with a six-pack and a dirty bong? Because I care about you, Ryan! You know, if I could turn back the hands of time and make it right, I would! There's nothing I want more in the whole world.
Except for maybe meeting Miss October here when she was in her prime.
Ho-ho-ho! Look at those "wonder twins.
" Do you see it now? That you look exactly like my mother? No.
Oh, come on! The eyes, the hair, the lips I can't kiss without feeling like I'm going to hell! Danny, it's all in your head.
I mean, if you looked like my dad, I wouldn't have trouble having se Oh yeah - that is a problem.
- Yeah-huh.
Well, now I see why the oven mitts and cookies weren't doing it for you.
I might as well have offered to tuck you into bed.
You did.
I was feeling sleepy after my bath.
Well, I'm glad you told me.
You know what? It's actually made me feel much better.
Ooh.
Well, how much better? Gah! I can see down your shirt! I'm going.
[.]
Don't feel too badly, Danny.
It's like Alison used to say, "solving the problems of love is as easy as calculating infinity.
" That's beautiful! When did she say that? When I found her doing her yoga instructor in the back of my Infinity.
Ryan? I was wrong.
I think I figured out a way to turn back the hands of time after all.
I was up all night, watching these videos from the storage locker.
Went through seven seasons of Knight Rider.
How David Hasselhoff did not win an Emmy is beyond me.
Anyways, I think I struck gold.
"O.
" "B.
" "I" "A.
" "Myso phobia?" You making that up? Nope.
It's fear of dirt.
You can look it up.
Oh, no.
I trust you on that.
Okay, well, adding that score to "antiseptic" I'd say you creamed me.
Let's play again.
Do you think we should ask Sheldon to play? Nah, this is our thing.
Plus, he's kind of a bonehead.
[Zapping.]
Wow! I'd completely forgotten what put you into that coma.
And also, playing games with dad! I used to love that.
See? I told you, there were repressed memories in that locker.
See? And that's a club I never got into.
I think I'm gonna lose it.
Another stop for a tearachino? Looks like it's gonna be a double.
[Door opens.]
Hey, baby.
Do I still remind you of your mother? Sheldon.
Ryan.
Let yourselves out.
Come on, Ryan.
I've got a 112 episodes of "Alf" we can watch.
It was surprisingly sophisticated for its time.
I'm gonna do things to you that make your toes curl.
Oh, mama! Don't go there.
Hey-hey-hey, guys! How was the big fishing Holy crap! You guys smell horrible.
First off, you'd be proud of me.
I actually went to the bathroom outside! Number one.
I'm not an animal.
And two, I caught a 30-pound trout! It was a pike.
It was a pike.
[Roaring.]
: It was a pi-i-ike! Yeah, whatever.
Drinks and gloating are on me.
So you switched the fish again, huh? No! And I don't want to talk about it.
Hey! Can we just order some food, please? You got five seconds.
Kitchen's closing.
How long? Five seconds.
Perfect.
Meatloaf, gravy, extra fries, now I'll pass it off to these other guys.
Tuna melt, 5-grain bun, tomato soup.
That's it, I'm done.
Veggie sandwich, no peppers, please, sourdough bread, with extra cheese.
Nope.
Too late.
E [Together.]
: yup! Hoo-hoo.
[.]