Sabrina The Teenage Witch s02e11 Episode Script

VILA [ON TV.]
: So you grab a chain and whack away.
- After you.
- I feel weird.
I haven't even had an argument with this cabinet.
Hold me back.
It's got a good beat and I can dance to it.
- I give it a 92.
SABRINA: What are you doing? It sounds like you're smashing furniture.
Oh.
You are smashing furniture.
Why? It's our new hobby.
We're antiquing this cabinet.
Some people wait a hundred years.
We're just beating the tar out of it.
Personally, I find knitting relaxing.
It's a great way to get out your frustration.
Take that, stupid Nobel Prize committee.
May I? Take that, people who won't buy their dear niece a car.
Oh, shoot, I missed what Bob did with the linseed oil.
Well, let's ask him.
- Could you go over step four again? - How did I get? Whoa, this needs a lot of work.
Say, Bob, you ever wired a litter box for cable? I gotta remember to crack a window when I work with varnish.
I'm ready for my close-up.
Do I have food in my teeth? [SALEM SNORING.]
- Salem.
SALEM: What? What? - It was like this when I found it.
- Val and I are going to the movies.
If I'm not dressed in five minutes, I'm gonna miss my ride.
Why didn't you say so? I don't mind moving.
Even if I knew what I wanted to wear, I couldn't pick it out of this mess.
- It's full of kibble crumbs.
SALEM: Brush them in a pile.
I'll eat them later.
Better clean this up.
I forgot, I'm only allowed incantations this week.
Thank you, quizmaster.
Uh Stuff is messy This place is a zoo Make things that need it Brand-spanking new Let's see if it worked.
Excellent.
"Extra charge for cat-hair removal"? I think this is the nicest thing we ever beat up.
Except for that teamster.
Oh, no.
Our antique is brand-new again.
- That's odd.
- Meeting Valerie, Rialto Cinema.
- See you.
- Freeze.
- What? Oh, yeah.
Back by 10.
- Cast any spells lately? Yeah, I cast a make-everything-new spell.
- Why? - You made it too general.
Look.
I guess now would be the wrong time to say I think it looks better like that.
- Sorry.
I was in a hurry.
- We witches have a saying: Haste makes a gigantic mess.
Got it.
Did I screw anything else up? SALEM: I found the Fountain of Youth.
It's the toilet.
No problem.
I'll just fix it with an undo spell.
I made things new And that was bad So undo it all So they won't be mad SALEM: Welcome back, trick knee.
Sabrina, you don't wanna rely on undo spells.
It's not in the spirit of magic.
You really have to get it exactly right the first time.
Otherwise, there may be side effects.
I remember one time, I was making rum balls and I got tired, so I made a make-everything-round spell.
Well, let's just say you can thank me for Columbus Day.
I'll be careful.
I don't have time to think of a spell to get rid of these wrinkles.
Help.
We think that outfit will serve as a helpful reminder.
I like her best.
- Hey.
- Hey, how can you stand it? - The school is freezing.
- Oh, yeah.
Guess I'm too miserable to be miserable.
My Uncle Lloyd's coming to the football game on Friday.
Family members coming to cheer you on.
- It sounds terrible.
- It is terrible.
I can just hear my dad now: "Lloyd's three boys are first-string.
" I never get to play.
Sure you do, that time we were up by 53.
Just once I'd like to start and shut Uncle Lloyd up.
And his two sons who can form sentences.
Well, maybe this Friday You'll start the game And Uncle Lloyd Will leave in shame Why are you talking in rhyme? Kinkle, you're starting on Friday.
- I am? - You are? Well, look at that.
I love this carpet.
Yeah, this old thing is gonna go perfectly with the new stuff we made look old.
Hey, Val, look.
The Slicery's under new management.
Wow, that's the first time this month.
And they're looking for people to work after school.
- We should get jobs.
- You think? Yeah, maybe we could save enough money to buy a car.
Or maybe our parents will get so sick of driving us to work that they'll buy us cars.
- It's win-win.
- All right, I'm in.
But I gotta warn you, I haven't had much luck with jobs.
When I was a camp counsellor, they fired me after two days.
They didn't give you a chance.
- They didn't even get to know you.
- Yeah.
And they eventually found those kids.
Hey.
[HARVEY SNEEZING.]
Whoa, didn't mean to make you explode.
I think this cold weather's giving me the flu.
I told you to bundle up for math.
Coach finally gives me a chance to start, and now this.
I can hear my dad now, "Your nose runs faster than you do.
" See you.
Poor Harvey.
Feel better.
And you will.
No spells at school unless I gotta And I do, so make it hotter Well, that concludes your orientation to the Slicery.
I'm Mrs.
Popowski.
If you have any problems, my office is always open.
It's between the fryer and the wall.
Mrs.
Popowski, there's a mistake on my nametag.
- My name is Sabrina, not Salinas.
- Live with it.
Yeah, and my name is Valerie, not Fred.
When I said "problems," I meant things like: "My hand is caught in the meatball maker.
" Okay, Val, I'll do the dough and the sauce, - and you do the toppings.
- Check.
[PHONE RINGING.]
Slicery.
Okay, that's a large pizza, extra anchovies.
Hold the crust.
Hold the sauce.
Hold the cheese.
Salem, quit fooling around.
Crank call.
Okay.
Medium cheese.
- Medium cheese.
Check.
- Crust.
Sauce.
Cheese.
Oven.
- Check.
- We're a well-oiled machine.
- Okay.
Large pepperoni.
- Large pepperoni.
Check.
Crust.
Sauce.
Pepperoni.
Cheese.
Oh, no.
That was supposed to be cheese, pepperoni.
Okay, large, extra cheese, half mushroom.
Crust.
Sauce.
Things are gonna start hopping.
Weight Watchers meeting just let out.
I'll help.
Think that'll melt down? - There.
Perfect.
- I don't believe it.
You've taken a beautiful rug and put it in the worst place ever.
Well, where would you put it? - There.
Perfect.
- Yes, I see.
That is perfect, if we had our eyes gouged out.
[PHONE RINGING.]
I need a medium, half sausage, half pepperoni, quarter mushroom, quarter anchovy, extra cheese.
Val, could you get that? Valerie? Val, we have to get these pizzas finished now.
- Am I moving? - No.
How about now? - Somebody's gonna get fired.
- Oh, gosh.
This is faster than it happened at camp.
I can't tell the future That would make me omniscient But something bad's gonna happen Unless Val's more efficient Okay, that's medium, half sausage, half pepperoni, quarter mushroom, quarter anchovy, extra cheese.
Check.
Okay, the inert gases are neon, argon, krypton, leon? Leon? Boy, public schools have really gone downhill.
Hi, how you been? I've been fine.
Let's get this quiz over with.
The fine art of conversation lives.
It's an easy one.
- Just clean up your room.
- It is clean.
Fine.
Here's a quiz I know I'll ace Put everything back In its rightful place Hey, that's my diary.
And I was just getting to the awkward teenage years.
Well, that was so easy, I almost feel guilty taking an A.
Well, then this will make you feel a lot better.
- You failed.
- What? You were only to clean your room, and you "put things back" where they belong.
That was a very sloppy spell.
With good results.
The room's clean and I busted Salem.
Listen to the man.
It was a sloppy spell.
Clean up your spells.
I still say it was a fine incantation.
Now, talk me through this kissing game, Seven Minutes in Heaven? Wow, it's hot in here.
The boiler must be broken.
- What are you doing in my locker? - Sweating.
Somebody left a heat spell running.
- Uh-oh.
That'd be me.
- I told you to be more precise.
No problem.
I'll fix it with an undo.
Let's see: It's hot in here It's making us perspire Undo the spell Or the straits will be dire.
Aah! What's going on? I've taken away your undoing privileges, partly to teach you a valuable lesson, partly fun for me.
How about this for fun? Auditioning for Stomp.
So you can see by these projections, Mrs.
Quick, we can easily put out two editions of the paper each week rather than one, and we can do it for 38 percent less money.
Good work, Val.
That's an excellent use of your resources.
- Check.
- Not that we need two papers a week.
You see that? The efficiency spell I put on Val is working out great.
Oh, it looks good now, and that heat spell looked good too, yesterday.
HARVEY: Ow.
Ow.
- Harvey, what's the matter? - I just burned my hand on my locker.
Oh, great, I have enough trouble catching with two good hands.
Now, how do you expect me to fix all this without an undo spell? That's the part that's fun for me.
Think, Sabrina, think.
Okay, first let's take care of the temperature.
It's hot in here The sweat's a-pooling So let's get down To some serious cooling Cool.
Okay, now Harvey.
I got it.
The team doesn't need A Harvey that's tame So make him worthy Of the hall of fame See? All done and no undo.
Oh, yes, but there was a hot front, which is now meeting a cold front, resulting in an occluded front.
- Oh, no.
That means-- - Yep.
Showers.
Everyone outside, where it's not raining.
I meant to do that.
[THUNDER CRASHING.]
And that too.
Come on.
Admit it.
That rug would look better in my room.
Please, that rug is an object of taste and refinement.
Your room is decorated with stuff a clown takes out of his pockets at night.
It's gone.
You've put it in your room, haven't you? I most certainly did not.
Well, it's gotta be around here somewhere, then.
SALEM: Psst, psst.
Tell you what happened to it for a belly rub.
Hi.
Gotta go to work.
Forgot my nametag.
The ulprit-cay just walked into the oyer-fay.
- What? - Sabrina did it with an everything-in-its-place spell.
They threatened me.
- What did I do? - Made our rug disappear.
Sabrina, normally I don't advocate undo spells, but I want that rug back.
I'd love to undo it, but: - If you can undo this, I can undo that.
- We can't undo that.
There's no undoing a no-can-undo.
It's a triple negative.
It's magically ungrammatical.
Sorry.
I gotta get to work.
We're introducing garlic sticks.
Now how are we gonna get our rug back? Excuse me.
There's someone whose belly earned a rubbing.
Oh, I know.
Everyone inside is beginning to bug Help them find their stupid lost rug Close enough.
SALEM: Come on, you can't vanish and rub at the same time? - Where are we? - I don't know.
But I bet I know who's to blame.
- Sabrina.
- Sabrina.
Oh, I'm sure she heard that.
- Salem, that's not helping.
- Hey, there's your rug.
HILDA: That is our rug.
- That was helping.
You know, this place reminds me of Merlin's old weekend castle.
Oh, man.
You guys had a vicious breakup.
ZELDA: That was awful.
By the time it was over, the only thing I liked about him was-- --this rug.
This is Merlin's castle.
We better get out of here.
Yeah.
For a guy who wears a dress, he's a real misogynist.
Leaving? So soon? - Hi, Merl.
- Zelda Spellman.
I haven't seen you in 500 years.
So, what you been up to? Oh, a little bit of this, a little bit of that.
And you? Uh Waiting for revenge.
- Why don't you stay a while? - How long a while? Until you love me again.
How about if I love you? Or me? I can be quite tender.
I feel like we've made a hundred pizzas today.
Seventy-four.
Seventy-five.
- Check.
- Fred.
Sabrina, this is hard for me.
I'm your friend, - but also your supervisor.
- When did you become supervisor? - Just now.
- Way to go.
I've already celebrated.
Who arranged these pepperonis? The pepperoni fairy.
Back when I was on the line, I liked to remember the three P's: precision, placement, promptness.
- You forgot "pannoying.
" - You're on your ten-minute break.
Go.
- Spellman.
- Sorry, I must have dozed off.
And you extended your break by 55 seconds.
I'll make it up at the end of the day.
I'll run into the walk-in cooler.
That would be fine if you were still part of the Slicery, but you're fired.
Look at that.
I gave myself two minutes to dismiss you, and it only took one.
Check-a-roonie.
The garlic sticks bite.
- We need a plan.
- How about we weep uncontrollably? [SALEM SOBBING.]
If only we could get a message to Sabrina, she could reverse her spell.
But we can't, so we have to work on Merlin.
Now, one thing I remember about him is he doesn't like to be challenged.
That's right.
You once questioned a word he used in Scrabble, and he turned you into an oryx, which, as I recall, was also the word.
Exactly.
Maybe if we're nice to Merlin, he'll feel sorry for us and let us go.
- So let's not antagonise him.
- Good plan.
- Dead magician walking.
- How is everyone? - Got everything you need? SALEM: No, no, we're fine.
Now that I think about it, I could use a little freedom.
So have you decided to love me again? I'd rather lick a dead seal.
Am I the only one who remembers the plan? - Excuse me-- - Oh, shut up, conehead.
It can't be done.
It's a shame you've decided now to be so nasty, just when I was about to feed you.
- You're not gonna feed us? - That's right.
And they look mighty hungry, so I'd sleep with one eye open, cat.
[SALEM SOBBING.]
You're not gonna be able to keep us here forever.
My niece, Sabrina's, gonna find out we're missing, and she's gonna come after us with a lot of help.
And drunken bouncers.
Oh, I'm so scared.
Maybe I ought to send you back.
Wait a minute.
I think I got a better idea.
You're never gonna believe what happened.
My friend-- I mean soon-to-be ex-friend, Val.
--fired me.
And I know what you're gonna say: "Sloppy spells, more specific:" So please don't.
I'm pooped.
I'm going to bed.
Thanks for listening, guys.
Guess I won't be needing this anymore.
Yes, that was a better idea.
You can always count on a teenager to be self-absorbed.
Attica! Attica! Attica! Please, I'm trying to concentrate on a new escape plan.
Well, why don't you try coming up with some decorating ideas for this cell, because we're never leaving? I've got it, the perfect escape plan.
It's so simple.
I can't believe I haven't thought of it before.
- What is it? - You marry Merlin.
What do you think about painting these bars Navajo White? Come on, Sabrina.
No time for breakfast.
I'm late and I have to try to fix Val.
I can't believe I put a spell on her.
I'm such a dummy.
Sabrina's never gonna save us.
There's no hope.
None.
And the worst part is, we're not gonna die.
We're gonna live here forever without hope.
No hope.
Uh-oh.
I bet I had something to do with this.
- Hot news coming through.
- Hey, Val, got a sec? No, I have to get out the next edition of the paper.
By typing continuously, I can make it a daily.
You look like you haven't slept.
If I sleep, I won't have time to learn opera.
- Can we talk? - Friendship is inefficient use of time.
Excuse me.
Pardon me.
Coming through, sorry.
Harvey? I think I might have overdone it with the pull-ups.
I can take care of this.
Somehow.
- Blizzard! - Oh, no.
Think fast.
Block that snow from pouring out And stick something in That spewing spout Help, quizmaster.
Are you sure you need help? I mean, like you said, there's nothing wrong with inexact spells as long as they get the job done.
I got it wrong, very wrong.
It was all wrong.
It was a correctness shutout.
By the way, did I say I was wrong? Because she admitted She'd been wrong and a lout Every spell she incanted Will be undone Including several ones She doesn't even know about They just have to be exact, not pretty.
[SALEM MUMBLING.]
- You wanna shut him up? - Let's do it together.
SALEM: Who's going to share--? Cool.
So all I had to do was admit I was wrong? And? And that I have to be more careful with my magic? And? And I can learn something from my elders? And? And that the barn door on your ski suit is open? See you.
You'll never believe the day I had.
I've learned so much.
I'll never do an inexact spell again.
In fact, I'm gonna go upstairs and clean my room the old-fashioned way.
We've gotta send something to the quizmaster for undoing Sabrina's spell and saving us.
He strikes me as a cheese-log person.
I am forever grateful.
I don't think I've ever been in a more terrifying situation.
And yet, I remembered to grab the rug.
SALEM: And I learned a valuable lesson.
Whenever there's a crisis, I can depend on you guys to turn on me.
Come on.
We're sorry.
How about that belly rub? I'm so cheap.
Lovely.
So how'd it go at the Slicery this weekend? Terrible.
I fell apart and overcooked some pizzas.
Once the fire department was gone and Mrs.
Popowski came to, she asked me to leave.
- How'd you get fired? - Well, it's a long story.
Hey, Harvey, you really bulked down over the weekend.
- So how'd the game go? - Great.
I caught a pass.
And if it had been inbounds, it would've been great.
Did anyone bring an umbrella? I hear it's supposed to rain.
Not indoors.
They fixed the roof.
Let's never talk about it again.
You skipped your breakfast again, didn't you? Yeah.
I'll catch up with you guys in a minute.
I'm gonna put my books away.
[SCREAMS.]
Hey.
Quizmaster, what are you still doing in there? QUIZMASTER: My apartment's being painted.
I needed a place to crash.
Well, just don't get cheese log all over my books.