See Dad Run (2012) s02e11 Episode Script

- Higher, Joe.
Higher.
- Stop pressuring me.
I haven't read the instructions yet.
- Joe, the instructions are "jump.
" - And then what, dad? Then what? - And then what? You know what you do? Then you take it in the backyard, because grandpa Bernie is coming here soon.
Come on! - We have a grandpa Bernie? - He's not our real grandpa, Janie.
He played the grandpa on dad's show, remember? - Whoa! Dad, what are you doing in my chair? - I don't know what you call it, but I call it "sittin' and eatin'.
" - That pie was meant for dinner with my boss tomorrow night.
- About that, I got good news and bad news.
The bad news is you were fired.
The good news is this pie is delicious.
- I was fired? - Gotcha! I haven't seen him since the show ended.
I'm so excited.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, yeah, you're excited to see the hottie he's dating.
- No.
- Mm-hmm.
- No, no.
I miss the guy.
- Is he here yet? And who is the hottie that he's dating? - I don't know, but I'm putting my money on a former swimsuit model, - No, no, I'm going yoga instructor, about 30 to 35.
- Uh-uh, you guys are ridiculous.
She's a hot nanny, not a day over 30.
- You know, I'd be willing to join this wager if I had, say, $10 to bet.
- Kevin, you gotta let that go.
Bernie borrowed that $10 years ago.
He doesn't even remember! - Well, I remember.
It was a Tuesday.
Taco Tuesday.
And guess who couldn't afford a taco because he didn't have ten bucks.
This muchacho.
- Wow, come on! Ohhh! Ooh.
Whoa! - Aww.
- Nice save.
- Yeah, sorry.
Bernie, you look like a million bucks.
- I was gonna say more like ten.
- Christine, what are you doing here? - Oh! Hello, Joe.
- You two know each other? - Yeah, she was my friend fitzy's nanny.
- Oh.
- Ahh.
- What can I tell you? I have a thing for nannies.
- Which is exactly why we will not be getting a nanny.
Oh, and, uh, this is Bernie Jr.
- Yeah.
- Precious little thing.
Hi, sweetheart.
I'm Amy.
Nice to meet you.
- Wow.
What a cutie! What's an outfit like this go for, Bernie, huh? I don't know, ten bucks? - Well, brunch is waiting in the kitchen.
So follow me, kids.
- Yeah, please, come on in, guys.
- I hope we're having tacos.
Mmm! - He's still weird! - Christine, how can one hire a nanny like you? - Oh, do you have a little one at home? - Nope.
But if that's what it takes.
- Look at you.
Got a wife and a kid.
It's like a whole new Bernie.
I thought for sure you'd be spending your golden years on a beach in Costa Rica with a new woman each week.
- Well, I thought so too, David.
But you convinced me that life is meant to be shared.
And I listened, and now I have all this.
- Oh, well, you're welcome.
- I'll never forgive you for it.
- Hey, new Bernie? Old diaper.
- Never forgive you.
Bernie, this is one of those "gotcha" moments, right? - No.
- Hey, bern, you were kidding about not forgiving me, right? - Yeah, I was just blowing off steam.
I mean, other than no sleep and no peace and quiet, I am fine.
I just wish I could get this diaper closed before he goes again.
You got a stapler or something? - No, no, no.
Watch and learn, okay? It's simple.
And so the TV son teaches the TV dad.
- I'd stand back a little.
The kid kicks like a mule.
Look at this.
- Come here, little guy.
Come here.
Oh.
Lookit, look how cute he is.
Come on.
He's got your eyes.
- Bloodshot and sad From crying of things I'm never gonna see, of things I've never done.
But I'm a happy guy! - Oh, hey, grandpa Bernie.
- Hey! Emily! - This is Zack, from my home ec.
Class.
And this is our baby.
- Home ec.
Is getting exciting.
In my day, we made toast.
- It's not a real baby, grandpa Bernie.
It's a simulator baby.
We're taking care of it for a class in school.
- Yeah, the class is called "intro to don't even think about it.
" - It's programmed to behave just like a real one.
- That means he's happy.
Aren't you happy? Yes, you are! Yes, you are! - He's the luckiest baby in class.
- Whose baby is that? He's so cute.
- This is grandpa Bernie's.
- No, really.
Oh, really? - Yep.
I made it myself.
- This is Bernie Jr.
Here ya go.
- No, I'm good.
- Oh, time for a bottle.
- Let's do this.
- Can I feed your doll? - Sorry, Janie.
This is not a doll.
- Yeah, she won't let me hold it either.
- Uh, that's right.
Because when Janie was a baby, butterfingers over here used to drop her all the time.
- I don't remember that.
- Me neither.
I don't remember a lot of stuff.
- Well, Emily, I'm a lot older now, and my hands are a lot grippier.
- Smooth.
Like butter.
- You've got great kids, David.
- Thank you.
- I mean, I got a lot of dreams for this guy.
Top of the list is that Bernie Jr.
is outta diapers before Bernie sr.
Is in them.
- Well, Bernie, you just need to relax a little bit.
You know, I'll tell you.
Why don't you do this? Why don't you take Christine, pick a night, go to dinner.
Amy and I will watch little-- - Christine! David's gonna take the baby! - David's doing what now? - Oh, that's so sweet, but we can't.
- We can't, yet we're gonna.
- Go.
- Thank you, Amy.
Oh, I love you, my little angel, mm! - And I love you too, my little angel.
Go, go, go! - You were right, mommy.
He totally loves that toy.
- Mm, just like you were, sweetie.
So fascinated by all the sounds it makes.
This thing cracks me up.
They're so cute at this age.
Okay, you, time for bed, you.
- Come on, just a few more minutes.
- I think she meant me.
- Good night.
- It's getting kind of late.
I wonder where Christine and Bernie are.
- They're fine.
They're probably on their way.
You think they'll let me keep this? What? They're not paying us.
- What are you doing? - Emily thinks I have butterfingers? Well, watch these butterfingers hack past the high school's firewall and into the robot baby software and turn it into Emily's worst nightmare.
- All I understood was "Emily's worst nightmare.
" So I'm in.
- Ooh! Hang on, hang on.
Hello? Hey! Bernie, you guys having fun? Huh? Oh-- He had a little bit too much to drink.
He thinks we're mad.
He's feeling guilty.
No--no, no, bern-- Bernie, no, do not drive.
Don't worry, okay? Amy and I, we'll take care of little Bernie-- hello? - Guess he wasn't feeling that guilty.
- No, he was.
You should've heard him.
He was like "David, I feel so bad.
"They had this thing with the small glasses "and the salt and the lime, and it was crazy! But I feel bad for you, David.
" - Look, all right, here's the thing.
The hard part is done.
Go to bed.
I'll take it from here.
- Okay.
David I'm going up that thing that leads me to the place for sleeping.
All right? I'll see you later.
Good night.
- Okay, okay.
Shh.
Shh.
I don't get it.
I changed him, I fed him.
It's like he's suddenly gone haywire.
- If it keeps crying, it's gonna wake up my baby.
- Oh! Yeah, hey, Bernie.
It's David again.
- Just wondering when you're gonna pick up your little bundle of joy.
- You hear that? That's Bernie Jr.
saying, "come home soon, because Uncle David is getting cranky.
" - I was up every hour on the hour with this scream machine.
- Join the club! - Daddy, whatever I did as a baby, I apologize.
Just make it stop! It's like it's programmed to torture me.
- Nice work.
- Hey, maybe he's hungry.
I heated up some milk.
- Wait, Kevin, no.
You have to test the temperature of that for the baby so it's not too hot.
- Just right.
- On your arm! Gimme the bottle.
Move over, move over.
Come on, little-- little Bernie.
Here we go, come on.
Come on! Little milk.
Come on, here we go.
- It's not working.
Not working.
- Take the bottle.
Wait, keep go-- wait, Kevin.
Don't stop, Kevin.
Keep going.
It's working, it's working! Go! Go! Yes! It's working.
And-- and turn! Okay, there we go.
There we go.
Okay.
Ooh.
Ah! - Maybe we should have taken shifts.
- What do we do now? - Okay, all right, here we go.
Let's try jazz hands.
Wah! See, he likes that.
Here we go.
- Oh, yes! Marcus Please tell me Bernie showed up, Marcus.
- Look, I am no longer in the business of telling you what you want to hear, so, no, he did not.
- Oh, that kid is relentless.
- That's not Bernie Jr.
- Kevin! What's wrong? - David, this thing has been crying from the moment you went to get the kids until right now.
He broke me, David.
He broke me! - Oh! Bernie! - Before you say you were worried about me, I just want to tell you I am fine.
- Well, we weren't fine.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
But you were right.
I needed to clear my head.
- Good, I'm relieved.
I just thought for sure you were on a beach in Costa Rica wearing a fake beard, insisting everybody call you "El presidente.
" - Don't worry about that anymore.
Because of you, I am in a very good place.
I actually got my beautiful Christine a mani-pedi Whatever the hell that is.
There's my little guy.
How you doing? Missed your daddy-waddy? Hi! That is just like you! If I knew why it was crying, don't you think I would tell you? - Okay, so now our son is an "it"? - I just need a break, Emily.
- You don't get a break, Zachary.
Every day you wake up, that baby is there.
Day in, day out, week after week, year after year! - So what are you saying, my life's over? - Guys, what are you doing? This is--what's wrong with you? This is a three-day school project.
I don't get it.
What's with the drama? Right, Bernie? Oh, hey, Marcus, you seen Bernie? - Well, he came in mumbling something about "I'm old, I'm tired, I blame David for everything.
" - Daddy, where's grandpa Bernie going? - What the heck? - Now that's how you use a trampoline, Joe.
- So Bernie came back and then abandoned his baby by doing a triple lindy over the wall.
- Yeah, and amazingly, he stuck the landing.
- Got it.
What I don't understand is what those two are doing.
- Well, first, they were going after Bernie, but now they're just trying to prove that if a 70-year-old can do it, they can do it.
- One more time, baby, you can do it! - Okay, let's go.
- Do we have to? - Zachary, part of our assignment is to go out in public with our baby.
And you were the one who promised your idiot friend Chad that we'd meet him for pizza.
- Emily, I am exha-- - Excited? 'Cause I know you weren't going to say "exhausted.
" - Fine.
- Forgetting something? - What it's like to be free? - The baby.
- Same thing.
- Hey, I'm happy to report that Kevin made it over the wall.
Unlike Bernie, however, he did not stick that landing.
- Think, honey, think.
You worked with him for ten years.
Where would he go? Where would Bernie be? - I think I found the answer.
On the other side of the wall, I discovered a coupon for a Reuben sandwich and that the fazios's cat does not like surprises.
Is there a draft in here? - Uh, uh, uh, Kevin, let me take a look at that, man.
- Yeah, it's like a-- - Yeah.
Ah.
Yeah, feldy's deli.
That's right.
Bernie loves this place.
He's always here.
- Yeah, it makes sense.
If you're gonna run off to Costa Rica, you don't wanna do it on an empty stomach.
- Why would he be in Costa Rica? - I don't know.
All I know is I better find him before Christine finds out that El presidente's on the run.
- Who? - I don't know.
- Hey, this is for ten bucks off.
I'm keeping this.
Where's my wallet? Okay.
I'm even with Bernie, but now I've got a score to settle with mittens fazio.
- All right, I'm off.
All right, come on, little guy.
Let's go.
- Your turn.
- I don't care if we fail, Emily.
Just shove him under the table.
I can't deal with that thing.
- I've never gotten anything less than a "b" and this baby is gonna get me an "f.
" Unless A waitress walked by and accidentally spilled this pitcher of soda on the baby, shorting it out.
- I'm in.
Do it.
- All right, on the count of three.
- One, two-- - whoa! Dudes! That is totally not okay.
Don't waste a perfectly good soda.
- It won't stop crying, Chad.
- I got this.
Babies love Chad.
You see? - Aww, aww, little bro! Oh, smells like you just whipped up a fresh batch of computer dooders.
Ugh! Chad out.
- Wait.
Those are not computer dooders.
Real dooders, real dooders, real dooders! - What? - Real baby, real baby, real baby! - ? Uno, dos, cha, cha, cha!?/i> Uno, dos, cha, cha, cha!/i> Uno, dos, cha, cha, cha!/i> - Bernie.
- No habla ingles.
Cha, cha, cha.
- Bernie, Bernie, I know it's you.
I smell the Reuben and you got your name, "Bernie," written on your to-go bag.
You can't just take off like this.
- Sure, I can.
If there's a trampoline at the Mexican border, I'm as good as gone.
- No! Bernie, Bernie, come on.
Christine needs you.
Your baby needs you.
- Christine is young.
She'll find another guy.
And Bernie's a baby.
At this point, he don't know who I am.
If I leave now, he'll never remember me.
Hey, it's for the best.
You think I'm a bad father? - Well-- - look at this moron.
He's driving off with a baby on the trunk of his car.
- No! That's your kid! No! - Bernie Jr.
! Wait, wait, wait! - Stop the car! Stop the-- look in your rearview mirror! - Baby half-on-board! - Oh! No! Wait! No! Turn the Engine off before the Baby falls! - Stop! I knew it.
I knew this would happen.
- Of course.
Who couldn't have foreseen a construction crane dangling their child high above the street? - I got this, David.
Hold my Reuben.
Was I close? - To where you started.
That's the fake baby.
- That's the fake baby.
- That's the fake baby.
- That's the fake baby! - That's the fake baby! - That's the fake baby! Then where's my kid? - Oh, Emily! - My baby! - Oh, my baby! I am so sorry, grandpa Bernie.
I did not mean to take a live human being.
- Don't worry, sweetheart.
It worked out for the best.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Thanks for taking care of Bernie Jr.
- He really is a great baby, grandpa Bernie.
- He is, he is.
And I never thought I'd be so excited to see him.
Hey! I don't know what I'd do if something happened to him.
- Welcome to parenthood Where the worrying never stops.
- I'm gonna be okay, right, David? - Yeah.
Come on.
Bernie, you "raised" me for ten years, and look at me, I'm fine.
You're gonna be amazing.
Bernie? Bernie! Bern-- - gotcha! - Oh! Doh! Come on! - Your dad has still got it.
- Don't do that!