Sex and the City s02e11 Episode Script

There is nothing more humiliating for a woman than a visit to the gynecologist Do you need more OrthoNovum? unless it's having to tell your gynecologist you don 't need the pill anymore.
Actually, I'm going off it.
- Are you trying to have a baby? - No! I sort of jumped the gun going on it in the first place because Steve the guy that I went on it for, the first real relationship I've had in years, is over and I don't need a daily reminder that I'm not having sex.
So that's the story with the pill.
Okay, I'm quiet now.
Just when Miranda thought she'd hit rock bottom she discovered a new geological layer of humiliation.
We got your tests back and everything looks fine.
Great! Just one small thing.
It appears you have a lazy ovary.
A lazy ovary? Your right ovary has stopped producing eggs.
Is it possible it's just on strike? I know what this is.
My right ovary has given up hope that I will ever get married and have kids.
It's like a case you know will settle out of court.
Why bother? - The left one still believes.
- I'm a biological underachiever.
It's ironic because that ovary went to Harvard.
I have a tilted uterus.
The sperm have to jump over that hurdle to get to my egg.
But once they get there, there will be an egg.
I need a new gynecologist.
Do you like yours? Not right now.
No.
At least she's a woman.
I tried to go to a man, but it was too strange him spending all that time down there and leaving without an orgasm, and a bill.
Here.
I'm going to get this.
I don't think these are accepted here.
I'm spending the night at Big's.
After all this time, you don't have so much as a drawer there? Big is weird about stuff.
All men are.
That's why you have to just stake out some territory.
- It's not a land run, it's a relationship.
- Exactly! Talk to him about it! With Big, I think it's best to walk softly and carry a big purse.
Yes, she shouldn't leave anything there to remain a creature of mystery.
What's the big mystery? He knows she wears underwear.
I never leave underwear because I never see it again.
- What happens to it? - Nothing.
I never go back.
Isn't it a little expensive disposing of lingerie every time you sleep with a guy? That's why I stopped wearing underwear on dates.
That's why I'm never borrowing a dress from you again.
I once found another woman's underwear in a man's bed.
Maybe it was Samantha's! Once in Steve's bathroom, I found one of those hair scrunchies from the '80s.
I'm not sure what was more disturbing: The fact that he had a girlfriend before or the fact that he dated someone who wore a scrunchie.
Half my music collection was left behind by past boyfriends.
- I always give that stuff back.
- I don't.
I consider it a parting gift.
"Thanks for playing.
Here's Hootie and the Blowfish.
" They're sexual souvenirs.
Okay, then I want a T-shirt that says: "I dated a bartender and all I got was this lousy ovary.
" The next morning at Big's, I started to think.
If the things we leave behind become the archeological relics of our sexual history I should be able to leave something.
Ancient man left cave drawings to prove they existed.
I left a Hair Pro 1200.
And I didn't stop at that.
Man may have discovered fire but women discovered how to play with it.
Charlotte was making history as well.
Tired of the Neanderthals she'd been dating she spent her night with a gay friend who catered parties for the gallery: Dessert chef, Stephan Bodean.
I had no idea that Betty Buckley was so talented! Please! She is the cat's pajamas.
Why do people say that? I have no idea.
Maybe because she was in Cats.
Let's start another one.
Like, "She's the dog's tuxedo.
" - Thank you so much for inviting me.
- No, please.
Thank you for accepting my last minute invite.
My friend Don canceled and we had had tickets forever.
Call me anytime.
It's refreshing to go out with a man I can talk to.
- You want to grab a cappuccino? - No, I've just got to get on home.
- You're uptown? - Yeah, and you're Chelsea.
I'll hail you a cab.
- Or you could get one yourself.
- It helps to show a little leg.
You know, I tried that and nothing.
Thank you.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
What happened? What do you think? I am so confused.
Is he gay or is he straight? It's not that simple anymore.
The real question is: Is he a straight gay man, or is he a gay straight man? The gay straight man was a new strain of heterosexual male spawned in Manhattan as the result of overexposure to fashion exotic cuisine, musical theater and antique furniture.
Hopefully, he's a gay straight man meaning he's straight with great gay qualities.
Whereas a straight gay guy is just a gay guy who plays sports and won't fuck you.
He must be a gay straight man because he asked Charlotte out for a second date.
Unless he's a straight gay man in denial.
But Saturday night wasn't even a date.
I didn't wash my hair and I wore my glasses! Are those recreational, because this drink isn't doing it for me.
They're hormones.
I'm trying to jump-start my ovary.
- My mother's taking those for menopause.
- Does she have a tilted uterus, too? Isn't anybody going to notice my purse? Cute! Is it new? No, but it is quite small and panty-free.
You left your underwear at Big's.
No, but I did leave a hair brush, a hair dryer, razors tampons and eye-makeup remover.
Good for you! And something else.
What? For the first time at Big's, I did a number two.
I think it's a good sign that I feel comfortable enough with Big to do a number two.
It is not a good sign! It's the end of romance.
This is a big deal! I went through a relationship never doing that at the guy's place including a weekend in Bermuda where I spent the whole time running to the lobby.
It's tough in New York.
Small apartments, one bathroom.
You can hear everything.
That's why I only date rich men.
Money means that there's enough space to distance yourself from the number two.
I have never done a number two at a boyfriend's place.
Honey, you're so uptight, you need to do a number seven.
Excuse me, it's from that guy at the end of the bar.
Really? My God, it's Dominic.
Dominic Delmonico was a publishing magnate and the first and only man Samantha really loved.
He wined and dined her, set the bar for hot sex then dumped her for an Icelandic supermodel named Anka.
Once, on the cover of Fortune, he'd fallen to tabloid level due to a messy public divorce.
I'm just gonna say hello.
After what he did to you? - What did he do? - He broke her heart.
Imagining Samantha with a broken heart was more confusing to Charlotte than a French kiss from a gay man.
Ancient history.
I'm the one with the power now.
I've evolved past him.
- Hey, beautiful.
- Hiya, handsome.
- What's this? - Just a few things you left at my place.
Thanks.
It's like I had one too many items and I was being kicked out of the relationship express lane.
What is it about Big's apartment? Nothing ever sticks.
It's like Teflon for women.
I meant to leave that stuff at your apartment.
Why? For one thing, I don't wake up looking like this.
I actually need stuff to look like this and it would be nice not to have to carry it around all day with me like a nomad.
It's just a few things.
And you can leave stuff here.
- I don't want to leave stuff here.
- Not a lot of stuff.
Just like, you know, if you want to shave in the morning.
I shave at the gym.
I don't know, socks.
You want me to leave socks here? Never mind what I want.
What do you want? I don't know.
Let's save an hour.
Why don't you just tell me what I want? No, really, in your mind what is the ideal living situation for two people in a relationship? Exactly what we have.
- And what is that? - I have my place, you have yours.
We're together when we want to be, we're apart when we want to be.
- Like Woody and Mia.
- Before Soon-Yi.
Ever since Woody Allen described waving to Mia Farrow across the Park single men in Manhattan had yearned for that kind of separate togetherness.
I felt like the last dinosaur.
Was I the one who needed to adapt? Was my view of a relationship extinct? I couldn 't stop thinking about it.
This is a city where gay men are so out, they're in where women are so chronically single, ovaries may be the next vestigial organ.
We can have anything delivered anytime.
We can have our dogs walked, our clothes cleaned, our food cooked.
Who needs a husband when you have a doorman? Are New Yorkers evolving past relationships? Relationships have declined since women left the cave Iooked around and said, "This isn't hard.
" So you don't need a man, but do you still want one? I want more than one.
I can't decide whether you represent our future or our demise.
I am the future! Seeing Dominic reminded me of how needy I was and how far I've come.
- We're going out Friday night.
- Sweetie! It took you a year to get over him.
He treated you like shit.
- Why do you go out with him again? - Because he treated me like shit.
- I'm leaning toward demise.
- It's called revenge.
I'm gonna make him want me and right before we do it I'm gonna drop him like he dropped me.
- As long as you've got a plan.
- Not only a plan, I have a dress.
Samantha's revenge fantasy, like all her fantasies, was even better live.
You're more beautiful than ever.
So successful and I'm getting gray hair and Anka is taking me for everything I've got.
I read that she got the sailboat.
We had good times in that boat.
- You and Anka? - You and I.
Have I mentioned how unbelievable you look in that dress? Since Stephan hadn't come out Charlotte accepted his invitation to stay in.
That's delicious.
Grilled Portobello pizzas topped with fresh basil and Parmigiano-Reggiano cheese.
It's Martha's recipe.
- I love Martha Stewart.
- She's the dog's tuxedo! Look, you have the silk placemats I've been eyeing at Bergdorf's.
- You have good taste.
- This is my fantasy kitchen.
This is my fantasy.
Is that dress Cynthia Rowley? Charlotte wanted to be open-minded but Stephan seemed to be making it as hard as possible.
Meanwhile, Samantha was making Dominic as hard as possible.
So do you want me? Do I want you? This was the moment Samantha had waited years and years for.
What was another couple hours? I tried to call you.
Were you at Big's? No, I was out shopping.
My relationship is at a standstill, so instead, I'm evolving my look.
How did it go with Dominic? I slept with him.
That wasn't part of the plan.
It's the new plan.
I wanted to remind him what he was missing.
I can't believe I thought he was such a great lover.
I'm better than him now.
Bye.
In order to survive two decades of dating in New York Samantha had become a powerful hybrid: The ego of a man trapped in the body of a woman.
Charlotte feared the opposite was true of Stephan.
She still needed help classifying her find, so she brought in a team of experts.
Carrie, Stanford, this is Stephan.
- Hi.
- Ciao! - You changed your hair.
- It's just straightened.
Have we met? No, I've seen your column.
In that photo, your hair is free flowing and Botticelli-esque.
It's fabulous either way.
Cannolis and cream puffs and tarts, oh my! I put a little bit of everything.
This one's an experiment.
It's a date tart with pumpkin custard.
This is all for us? - Sweets for my sweet.
- And her freeloading friends.
My nutritionist will kill me, but somebody hand me a fork.
- Can you join us? - I'd love to.
I have got to glaze my wedding cake.
Get back to me on the tart.
I find him very attractive.
Which, of course, means he's straight.
He's obviously choosing to be straight because he seems to be head over heels about her.
What if he's gay and he doesn't know it yet? Honey, we are aware.
When I was a boy, my father gave me a book about the female body to teach me about sex.
I took one look at it and said, "No.
" - How is he in bed? - I don't know.
I haven't slept with him yet.
- Really? - But he wants to.
It's so not fair.
All the good ones are straight, even the gay ones.
Give me a cannoli.
- Are you looking at my forehead? - No! That night, Miranda went out with Joseph Adler a labor-relations lawyer who'd been after her since the firm retreat.
The lamb is delicious.
You can look if you want.
I've got nothing to hide.
It's actually starting to fill in.
She'd refused him twice before, but since she was down to her last ovary Miranda decided she was in no position to eliminate men on the basis of hair plugs.
- I'm telling you, I was practically bald.
- I remember.
Now I have hair.
This is a miracle.
- Some more bistee? - Sure.
You probably think I'm crazy.
Actually, I was thinking you seem very happy.
The funny thing is, I never thought that I'd be the kind of guy to get plugs.
But I've learned that you should never say never.
I know what you mean.
There are things that I've considered lately that I never thought I would consider.
Like what? - Do you really want to know? - Sure.
I recently found out that I have a lazy ovary.
Which is no big deal.
It just means that I only produce an egg every other month.
I'm not even sure that I want kids, but all of a sudden it hit me that if the other ovary shuts down, I'm out of business.
I've started taking hormones and now I'm actually considering freezing my eggs.
Freezing your eggs? Like a fertility savings account.
I think it would take the pressure off.
It removes the whole biological clock issue.
- Yeah, but it raises a lot of other issues.
- Such as? Such as, what is all this reproductive technology doing for us? Do we want desperate women having babies at 50? Maybe some people aren't supposed to procreate.
Maybe this is the world's way of weeding out the weak.
If you ask me, this is a ridiculous abuse of science.
You have now designer sperm and these simulated wombs.
Here's a good idea.
Why don't we just eliminate men altogether? I don't need to be lectured about science by a man who's doing crop rotation on his forehead.
Miranda went off the hormones.
Not because of what Joseph said, but because she was only 33 she still had her left ovary and she wasn 't ready to settle out of court.
Maybe someday there would be eggs in her freezer.
But not yet.
Meanwhile Charlotte decided to stop trying to figure out her creature of mystery and just enjoy.
- Cher? - I love her! She's such a survivor.
Wait.
I have to ask you something.
Have you ever been with a man? No.
Have you ever been with a woman? I'm sorry, it's just Betty Buckley and Martha Stewart and Cynthia Rowley! Are you gay? I'm a 35-year-old pastry chef who lives in Chelsea.
If I were gay, I would be gay.
You're the one who doesn't want to make love.
I wouldn't be so sure about that.
Charlotte was relieved and delighted to discover Stephan was definitely straight, or at least a gay straight man.
Frankly, after two orgasms, who the hell cares? The next morning, it dawned on Samantha that her desire for revenge was not as strong as her desire for Dominic.
You're awake.
Yes.
You're so incredibly beautiful.
- I'm gonna miss you.
- What do you mean? Anka and I are giving it another shot.
It's mostly financial.
You can't do this to me.
- I know.
I'm sorry.
- No! I'm supposed to do this to you! I had a plan! This is all wrong! I should go.
- Get out! - I said I was going.
Stop beating me to the punch! As she watched history repeat itself Samantha realized she couldn 't do what Dominic did because she hadn 't evolved past having feelings.
In a way, that was nice to know.
- Good morning.
- Good morning, sleepy.
Something smells amazing! It's warm cranberry buttermilk scones and lemon curd.
If I continue dating you, I'm gonna gain 10 pounds.
You'll still be gorgeous.
- You want some tea? - Yes, please.
- What is that noise? - What noise? It's kind of like a squeaking.
My God! It's a mouse! - Are you sure? - It's in that glue trap.
- Where? - There.
- My God! - His legs are stuck! - Do something! Don't kick it to me! - Get it out! Get it away! My God! At that moment Charlotte realized her masculine side wasn 't evolved enough for a man whose feminine side was as highly evolved as Stephan 's.
I spent the night at Big's for the first time since my stuff was kicked out of the nest.
- Where you going? - Home.
It's where my hair dryer is.
I may have to dry my hair.
I'm wearing it straight, in case you didn't notice.
I noticed.
But I think it looks pretty amazing right now.
Bring that gorgeous ass back into bed.
I just have to make sure I didn't leave anything else.
Suddenly, I realized I didn't have to worry about leaving something behind because I was there.
Okay.
I'll stay a little longer.
But I'm leaving this underwear here.
Is it clean? Okay it was a small step for mankind, but it was a really big step for Big.