Single Parents (2018) s02e11 Episode Script
The Angie-Man
1 I don't get why you're boxing up this wine I recommended.
It's got everything you need grapes, et cetera.
Because, Miggy, according to this letter from the FDA, this wine with goat on the bottle also has goat in the bottle.
The hair or the meat? How much goat we talking? Isn't any amount of goat bad? - Mm - Look, we're not doing this.
- I gotta get it off the shelves.
- 'Kay.
And now Rory's giving me his "Where's my snack?" eyes.
Daddy hungry.
There she is Poppy, the May to my December.
There he is Douglas, my sexy, eh lighthouse.
Hey, why don't we, uh, skip out of here and spend the afternoon together, huh? I gotta blow off steam after this three-day work week.
[Groans.]
I would love to, but I've got a busy day carting Rory around.
Plus, now I've got a goat situation.
There's hoof in the wine.
Yeah.
Okay.
That's my cue.
I'm gonna go to the club and maybe hop in a golf cart, nod off, and just see where I wake up.
- Mm.
- You know, rich guy weekend.
Mm-hmm.
Bye.
Ah, sir, a moment? Thanks.
Hi.
Couldn't help but overhear you totally dropping the ball with your girlfriend! She clearly needs your help here.
If she wanted help, she would've asked.
That's what grown-ups do.
Shush! Sweet child.
- Shush.
- Don't shush me.
My mother would never ask for help.
That's not who she is.
[Sighs.]
But go ahead.
End up like Davey.
- Who's Davey? - Who's Davey? Her last serious boyfriend.
He was great.
Tall like you, maybe taller.
Oh, taller than me is too tall.
Anyway, he never helped her, and she never asked him to, so now he's dead.
To her.
But I get it.
You're totally incapable of pitching in.
Incapable? It's a choice.
That's why I hired a 60-year-old butler 30 years ago.
Well, you keep those hands clean, Davey.
I mean, Douglas.
Damn you! Poppy? Uh, let me help you out.
Why don't I take Rory for the day? Really? No, no, no, no.
I could never ask you to do that.
Eh, you're not asking.
I'm offering.
Come on.
- Are you sure? - [Chuckling.]
Yes.
Because I can just I can No, really, it'll be a breeze.
And I can tell that you have your hands full with, uh Ohhh, Poppy.
I-I think my tum-tums got the rumb-rumbs! But it's okay.
I'm gonna wash it down with some more wine.
- [Sips.]
- No, Miggy.
02x11 - The Angie-Man [Goat bleats.]
Ohh.
40 years.
Wow.
Your parents have been married for, like, over two-thirds of Douglas.
Yeah, if you'd told me a month ago we'd be celebrating their anniversary, I would've said "Buzzer sound!" 'Cause I had a really sore throat and it would've hurt to make an actual buzzer sound.
But also because I thought their marriage was doomed.
Right.
Right.
Because when you were giving my son the sex talk, you learned A fact about sex that I didn't know my father was having it with someone besides my mother.
And not just anyone.
His fellow health teacher, Ms.
Sugars Hawthorne.
Ah, two health teachers.
Do you think it was, like, super hot or super clinical? I confronted him about it, and he talked to my mom, and clearly, they worked things out because here we are, celebrating their love.
I don't trust anyone who works through problems.
It's not a real thing.
But I do love your parents.
They're the only people still using technology that I can help with.
Yeah.
Well, they really love you.
And the free tech support.
Hey, you should actually stay for the party.
Ah, you don't need me.
I mean, won't Tracy be here? No, she got called into work.
A big story broke.
Apparently, a group of cats took over [Chuckles.]
a sushi restaurant.
It's pretty funny.
It's an anniversary party.
It's gonna be all couples.
Smells datey.
I'm gonna head out.
I came, I saw, helped set up, - ate all the mini grilled cheeses.
- Thank you for that.
- This is a wrap on D'Amato.
- All right.
- [Door opens.]
- BUD: Look who's here! - Whoo! - Your two favorite palindromes Mom and Dad! [Laughter.]
I'll take one large hug, please, hold the pickles.
- Ohh! - Ohh! - [Chuckles.]
- Hey.
Ohhhh! Happy anniversary.
Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
Ohh! - Look at you.
- [Chuckles.]
- Oh, it's good to see you.
- You, too.
Listen, my Garmin is on the fritz again.
- Again? Ugh.
- I know.
Yeah.
What's with the purse? You're gonna stay for the party, aren't you? Oh.
Uh Uh Yeah.
Sure.
Of course.
I mean, who am I? Meghan Markle? Where do I gotta be? [Both laugh.]
Aah! Staying! [Laughter.]
She just threw it over there.
What's wrong with Tony? AMY: Cassandra dumped him again.
This time, she ain't coming back.
I know that look.
Tony's in pain.
There's only one way to make that man whole again.
He needs a woman.
Should we call his mom? Tony used to babysit Elvis.
You think his mom's still alive? I'll get the shovels.
Won't be the first time.
Ladies, I'm not talking about a mom.
I'm talking about a special kind of friend.
I don't mean to be crass, but we need to get this man hugged.
Well, no one's gonna hug him looking like that.
Come on.
Let's put in a new backsplash and flip this house.
All right.
We did it.
Three farmer's markets, two laps around the ointment district, and a very confusing stop at a Judaica store.
Okay, they have the best candles, and you just know nothing about atmosphere.
Yeah? Why don't you tell that to my $30,000 chandelier, you scrub? I'm exhausted.
How long have I been watching you? Two, three weeks? - It's been four hours.
- Really? I don't know how your mom does this every day.
All right, here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna take a soft 20.
Do you have a Wall Street Journal lying around? Don't you dare check the markets now.
You still have to take me to go get my new tap shoes.
Okay, now, I know for a fact you have seven different pairs in your closet.
I've turned on them all.
And they on me.
Well, then you're gonna have to dance barefoot.
You can make the sounds with your mouth.
"Click-clack-tap.
" See? It's easy.
Well, guess I should be grateful.
Least I didn't get kidnapped.
Let me just text my mom.
- Hey, Siri, send message to Poppy.
- [Cellphone chimes.]
"Douglas dropping the ball, period.
Couldn't provide help, period.
Suggestions, question mark.
" A-A-At ease, Sarah.
- [Cellphone chimes.]
- All right, fine.
You want shoes? I know the guy at the Ferragamo store.
He can get us the illegal stuff.
Oh, no, no, no.
I only get my dance shoes from Foot Clothes for Number One Best Music Moving.
It's foreign-owned.
[Applause.]
BUD: Well, thank you all for coming.
Uh, boy, being married to me for all those years, [Chuckling.]
well, it couldn't have been easy.
[Chuckling.]
No.
My, uh, hair-plug trial nearly ruined us.
[Chuckles.]
Uh, my weight fluctuates 70 pounds in each direction every six months, and I don't go to Burning Man, but I talk about it all the time.
- [Both chuckle.]
- Oh, and also, honey, don't forget you banged the girls' health teacher.
- [Chuckles.]
- Oh.
That was a big one.
They're incredible.
They've had both their arms ripped off by a gorilla, and they're still pitching a perfect game.
I don't know how they did it.
You're probably wondering how we did it.
Well, we sought the help of a licensed marriage counselor.
And then an unlicensed one whose office had better parking.
[Laughs.]
But what we found most helpful was how inspired we were by a very special couple.
Yes.
They're best friends.
They're co-captains of the S.
S.
Romance.
They're partners in the law firm of Smooch, Hug, and Feingold.
That's right.
We're talking about our son Will.
And his girlfriend, Angie.
[Applause.]
To Will and Angie.
- ALL: Will and Angie! - [Chuckles nervously.]
[Whispering.]
Wait.
What is happening? Why are they throwing to us? Do they want us to say the name of the couple? [Whispering.]
The couple is us, Angie.
Terrible twist the toast is coming from inside the house.
Oh.
Hey, guys.
A note about your toast Yeah, less of a note, more of just, like, a "What-chu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" That's a synonym for note.
Mom, Dad, uh - the thing about Angie and I is that we - I'm sorry.
Did we embarrass you, Mr.
Big Shot Weatherman Public Personality? - [Chuckles.]
- So, sue us.
We're very proud that you found true love.
We're parents.
We brag.
It's what we do.
No, Mom, we're not We didn't want to get bogged down in details in front of our friends, but the truth is we were this close to a divorce.
- Oh.
- My bags were packed.
Your father grew a soul patch.
I was one click away from a black leather couch.
Started wearing my wedding ring on my thumb.
But in our darkest times, when it just feels like there is no point in trying anymore, that one ray of light that cuts through the blackness and it gives us hope.
- Me and Angie? - Us? Yes, you're so inspiring, the way you communicate and support each other.
Look, we understand it might not make any sense to you, - but it makes sense to us.
- Yeah.
So, Will's relationship with me is what's keeping you - from a divorce? - Boop.
- BUD: Perfectly said.
- Yes.
Will, hang on to this one.
She has a knack for summaries, and she can figure out the tabs on your Netscape! And your sexual chemistry is the stuff of volcanoes.
[Inhales slowly.]
[Imitates explosion.]
Okay, you know what? I'm gonna stop you right there.
While it is true that I, myself, ooze sexuality all over the place, uh, Will and I Babe? A mo'? BUD & LUCY: Oh! I think that was short for moment.
Ugh, your hand is soaking wet.
Because I'm nervous, okay? The only thing keeping my parents' real marriage together is our fake relationship.
We have to play along.
Okay, dude.
You are a grown man, all right? You can handle your parents getting divorced.
The thing you should really be upset about is that they are going to die.
Not today, but soon.
Come on, all we have to do is convince a bunch of old people that we're in love for like two hours, just until the sun sets, and they return home to watch "Jeopardy!" - It'll be easy.
- That's what you think.
No one's gonna buy that you scored this hot piece.
[Scoffs.]
What?! I'm on TV.
I'm a local celebrity.
Women look at me and they salivate like I'm a rotisserie chicken.
The fan mail I get, Angie insane.
Most of it's from prison, but the things they say they want to do to me You're not writing them back, are you? It would be rude if I didn't, but I am worried I'm getting in too deep and can't get out of it.
Anyway, please just pretend to be my girlfriend.
[Sighs.]
Don't you think that this is all a bit much? I don't like it either, okay? But I can't let my mom and dad get divorced.
Divorce is what happens to other people and to me personally, but not to my parents.
Ohh! Bud and Lucy spoke about the two of you so beautifully.
- Oh! - So, tell us, what's your secret? [Smacks lips.]
Um - Honey.
- Mm-hmm? I'll take this one.
[Chuckles.]
Okay.
When I come home from work, there are three things he has waiting for me.
Number one, a hot meal, number two, an ice-cold martini and number three, foot rub so intense, Mama sees angels.
- [Slaps.]
- A-A-Also, we like beaches.
The movie and the place.
How you feeling? I'm gonna find that goat and make it drink a wine made out of me.
Well, I finished boxing up the goat wine.
- [Clears throat.]
- So, guess I should go get Rory.
[Chuckles.]
He probably has Douglas in some kind of outfit by now.
O-Or, since he offered to help, you ask Douglas to keep watching Rory.
You deserve a break.
To do what? Sit around and enjoy myself? Who am I? Angie? Come on! Let Douglas help you.
You don't want another Davey.
Ooh! Davey! - He was useless.
- Useless.
- But boy, was he tall.
- Tall.
I once saw him eat a leaf off a tree like a brontosaurus.
Hunh.
But you're right.
I should do this.
- How should I do it? - Okay.
So, you text Douglas and ask him to keep Rory for the rest of the afternoon while you go shopping for you! And maybe for me, if you feel so inclined.
[Chuckles.]
- I don't.
- Okay.
- But okay.
- [Clears throat.]
Um you know what? Just gonna text him "I'm tied up.
" Right? I mean, why start a thing? Yeah, close enough.
All right.
Let's hit the mall.
I want to see teens and old people comfortably co-exist.
- [a-ha's "Take on Me" plays.]
- How did we meet? Uh Well, buckle up, because it is a yarn.
Remember, darling? Uh, like it was yesterday, buttercup.
Uh, we met on a - ski trip - Hot August night.
Because we both love water skiing in the dark.
- It's actually safer.
- Yeah.
- [Click, trimmer buzzing.]
- Here we go.
Watch me.
They have to match.
Believe me, I know symmetry.
Tony! Hold still! So, next thing we know, this knucklehead has signed us up for the pair skiing competition at the Lake Winnipesaukee Olympics! - And we win! [Chuckles.]
- Wha! What did you win? - $50,000! - Fish dinner.
[Sighs.]
It's an easy mistake because, you know what? To look into this man's eyes while he is eating makes you feel like you have won $50,000.
- [Chuckles.]
I do eat fish very sexually.
- [Chuckles.]
Watch me, Tony! Take on me BOTH: You missed a spot! So, now we're back at our cabin, first place trophy on the mantel, our bellies full of catfish - Our hearts full of love.
- [Chuckles.]
And at the exact same time, we look at one another and we say BOTH: "I love you.
Would you like to go out on a second date?" [Laughter, applause.]
Take on me Take on me And then what happened? You know what, Betty? Calm down.
RORY: C'mon, you big chimney.
Now that we have my shoes, only six more stops until dance class.
Could we take a break? I've done everything you wanted and more.
I even pulled over coming here because you thought you saw Jennifer Lawrence at a Rite Aid.
Okay, it was Jennifer Lopez, and it also wasn't her.
That was my B.
Now let's go to a deli.
I haven't eaten in 45 minutes.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute.
You ate 45 minutes ago? I haven't eaten all day.
Let's sit, huh? My mom hasn't sat in 10 years.
Do you know how hard that woman works? Whoo! We're wearing everything we bought! Two for leisure, please.
[Both laugh.]
[Both gasp.]
It's not what you think.
Lady, you forgot your alto saxophone.
Ssst! Here he is! Men want to be him, women want to hug him.
Tony! [Kids gasp.]
All that's left to do is to get this show pony to the rodeo.
Now somebody wake him up.
See? Look how happy they are.
If only there was some music playing, they wouldn't seem so crazy.
[Chuckles.]
Hey, uh, thank you for being my pretend girlfriend.
Oh.
Pfft.
No problem.
It was actually Easy.
Yeah.
I'm gonna go double-napkin some cake to take home.
Delicious.
Son, you really dressed this party up, but Angie strutted it down the runway.
Oh, yeah.
That's my lady.
The ol' ball and chain.
My one and only.
Ohh! I am so sorry I'm late.
I had to shower twice just to get off - all the sake and fur.
- H - Oh, hi.
- Hi! Mmm! [Both moaning.]
[To tune of "The Candy Man".]
Angie's walkin' backwards Tryin' to leave the room Ah.
Okay, so, that's just a kiss that we do that everybody's cool with.
Uh, Angie, do you want to take Tracy into the kitchen, show her that kangaroo-shaped soap dispenser where the soap comes out of the mouth but you put the sponge in the pouch, like a little joey? Thank you.
I am going to take these parents of mine into a room that is not this one.
Guys.
[Australian accent.]
Let's throw another soap on the spongy.
- What are you - [Normal voice.]
Just come see it.
[Exhales sharply.]
Kissing another woman? In your own home? It's brazen.
It's brazen! He got this from you.
Those might as well be your lips.
Ah.
You got my ass, but you got his lips! Damn it, Lucy, I take responsibility for my own mouth, no one else's! Okay, guys, I have a lot of info to get out, so I need you to put on your young-people brains, okay? Yes, you saw me kissing a woman.
That woman, known as Tracy, is my actual girlfriend.
- What? - Angie is not my girlfriend, but when you thought she was, we went along with it because you said our relationship was saving your marriage.
And it's true my friendship with Angie is very inspiring, but I have a great thing going with Tracy, and not to build it up too much hopefully, that will be the relationship that keeps you guys together.
Any questions? Mom, there's three people in this room.
You don't have to raise your hand.
- Do you always lie to us? - How long have you known Tracy? - Was your marriage to Mia real? - Are you intimate? - And is Sophie still Sophie? - Where's her family from? O-Okay, obviously, we do need to raise hands, and, Mom, I saw yours first.
Actually, mine was raised, but it was low, so okay.
Is this the Tracy from work? Yes.
She's my boss.
Follow-up question do we think that's a good idea? So, it's two questions per hand raise? It's good to know.
Everyone will get their turn.
Yes, Tracy is my boss, but we are navigating the tricky waters of a modern office romance very well, and she means a lot to me.
Yes, Father? Well, what were we supposed to think? We've never even met Tracy, and we've been to where Angie went to elementary school.
We didn't want to go, - but she took us there anyway.
- Not at all.
Look, Angie is a good fr a great friend.
Honestly, she's my best friend.
[Exhales sharply.]
Caught between two women.
[Chuckles.]
Sounds familiar.
I was referencing my own affair.
You're not that deep.
Yeah, Dad, we were able to crack the code.
[Clicks tongue.]
Yes, Mother? Is Tracy Presbyterian? Are we Presbyterian? See, you push on the head, and it barfs out the soap, which I love.
Angie what are you doing? See, you push on the head, and it barfs out the soap, which I love.
Okay, Angie.
Look [Exhales sharply.]
It's weird that I'm here.
And not just today, but all the times.
And that can't be fun for you.
You're right.
It's it's not.
See, you push on the head, and it barfs out the soap, which I love.
Sorry.
I'm re-reading your text.
"Still up to my ears in goat wine.
Miggy continues to complain of rumb-rumbs.
No end in sight.
" Yeah.
Yeah.
And get this the only store that sells rumb-rumb medicine keeps woodwinds by the register for impulse buys.
All right.
I'm sorry.
I just I wanted to take an afternoon off, and I couldn't bring myself to ask you.
Look, Poppy, you shouldn't be afraid to ask me to do anything, especially if it involves Rory.
[Sighs.]
Douglas, can you please take Rory for the rest of the day so that I can have the afternoon off? Just for me? It would be my pleasure.
RORY: Click-clack, click-clack, click-clickity-clack, clack-clack-, clack-clack, click-clickity-clack, clackity-clack, clackity-clack, clack-clack-clack-clack.
Son of a bitch isn't even wearing the shoes.
Angie.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'm leaving, but are you okay? Not really.
Pretty sure my parents' marriage is screwed.
It's a lot to process.
Do you think that maybe I could call you later - and we could - Will, I love hanging out with you, but we need to do less of it.
For Tracy's sake and for everything.
Okay.
Yeah.
No, you're you're probably right.
- So, are we getting divorced, or - [Chuckles.]
Is this like a best-friend divorce? Oh, no, that would that'd crush Betty.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, let's just call it a best-friend trial separation.
Okay.
But I gotta live my life.
I'm gonna be best friends with other people.
Hey, we're separated.
None of my business.
[Chuckles lightly.]
[Sighs, chuckles.]
We'll always have Lake Winnipesaukee.
Ah.
First place.
[Chuckles.]
[Door closes.]
Oh.
Cool.
You guys have met.
No, we missed our window, and now we're stuck in uncomfortable silence.
Okay.
Even better, because I want to do the honors.
Mom, Dad, this is my girlfriend, Tracy Freeze.
[Chuckles.]
Hi.
Lovely to meet you.
Uh now, correct me if I'm wrong, but is "Freeze" Methodist? I don't know if a name can be Methodist but my family's Presbyterian.
[Gasps.]
I knew it.
[Sighs.]
We're Episcopalian.
Okay.
We've done everything we can.
It's up to him now.
Come on, Tony.
Spread those cheeks and let the smile do the talking.
Yeah.
Take a lap.
Check out the talent.
Good.
Good.
Yeah.
Now perch and let the birds flock.
BARTENDER: Here you go.
[All gasping.]
AMY: Oh, my gosh! Guys, look at my arm.
I'm shaking.
- [Sophie gasps.]
- [Chuckles.]
Goodbye, Cassandra.
He's found a new woman, and he's gonna hug her forever.
Just think of the wedding.
Something small and intimate.
By the sea.
What have we done? Oh, my God.
We've created a hug ho! Guys, Tony's asleep.
[Kids shouting.]
: Tony!
It's got everything you need grapes, et cetera.
Because, Miggy, according to this letter from the FDA, this wine with goat on the bottle also has goat in the bottle.
The hair or the meat? How much goat we talking? Isn't any amount of goat bad? - Mm - Look, we're not doing this.
- I gotta get it off the shelves.
- 'Kay.
And now Rory's giving me his "Where's my snack?" eyes.
Daddy hungry.
There she is Poppy, the May to my December.
There he is Douglas, my sexy, eh lighthouse.
Hey, why don't we, uh, skip out of here and spend the afternoon together, huh? I gotta blow off steam after this three-day work week.
[Groans.]
I would love to, but I've got a busy day carting Rory around.
Plus, now I've got a goat situation.
There's hoof in the wine.
Yeah.
Okay.
That's my cue.
I'm gonna go to the club and maybe hop in a golf cart, nod off, and just see where I wake up.
- Mm.
- You know, rich guy weekend.
Mm-hmm.
Bye.
Ah, sir, a moment? Thanks.
Hi.
Couldn't help but overhear you totally dropping the ball with your girlfriend! She clearly needs your help here.
If she wanted help, she would've asked.
That's what grown-ups do.
Shush! Sweet child.
- Shush.
- Don't shush me.
My mother would never ask for help.
That's not who she is.
[Sighs.]
But go ahead.
End up like Davey.
- Who's Davey? - Who's Davey? Her last serious boyfriend.
He was great.
Tall like you, maybe taller.
Oh, taller than me is too tall.
Anyway, he never helped her, and she never asked him to, so now he's dead.
To her.
But I get it.
You're totally incapable of pitching in.
Incapable? It's a choice.
That's why I hired a 60-year-old butler 30 years ago.
Well, you keep those hands clean, Davey.
I mean, Douglas.
Damn you! Poppy? Uh, let me help you out.
Why don't I take Rory for the day? Really? No, no, no, no.
I could never ask you to do that.
Eh, you're not asking.
I'm offering.
Come on.
- Are you sure? - [Chuckling.]
Yes.
Because I can just I can No, really, it'll be a breeze.
And I can tell that you have your hands full with, uh Ohhh, Poppy.
I-I think my tum-tums got the rumb-rumbs! But it's okay.
I'm gonna wash it down with some more wine.
- [Sips.]
- No, Miggy.
02x11 - The Angie-Man [Goat bleats.]
Ohh.
40 years.
Wow.
Your parents have been married for, like, over two-thirds of Douglas.
Yeah, if you'd told me a month ago we'd be celebrating their anniversary, I would've said "Buzzer sound!" 'Cause I had a really sore throat and it would've hurt to make an actual buzzer sound.
But also because I thought their marriage was doomed.
Right.
Right.
Because when you were giving my son the sex talk, you learned A fact about sex that I didn't know my father was having it with someone besides my mother.
And not just anyone.
His fellow health teacher, Ms.
Sugars Hawthorne.
Ah, two health teachers.
Do you think it was, like, super hot or super clinical? I confronted him about it, and he talked to my mom, and clearly, they worked things out because here we are, celebrating their love.
I don't trust anyone who works through problems.
It's not a real thing.
But I do love your parents.
They're the only people still using technology that I can help with.
Yeah.
Well, they really love you.
And the free tech support.
Hey, you should actually stay for the party.
Ah, you don't need me.
I mean, won't Tracy be here? No, she got called into work.
A big story broke.
Apparently, a group of cats took over [Chuckles.]
a sushi restaurant.
It's pretty funny.
It's an anniversary party.
It's gonna be all couples.
Smells datey.
I'm gonna head out.
I came, I saw, helped set up, - ate all the mini grilled cheeses.
- Thank you for that.
- This is a wrap on D'Amato.
- All right.
- [Door opens.]
- BUD: Look who's here! - Whoo! - Your two favorite palindromes Mom and Dad! [Laughter.]
I'll take one large hug, please, hold the pickles.
- Ohh! - Ohh! - [Chuckles.]
- Hey.
Ohhhh! Happy anniversary.
Yeah.
[Chuckles.]
Ohh! - Look at you.
- [Chuckles.]
- Oh, it's good to see you.
- You, too.
Listen, my Garmin is on the fritz again.
- Again? Ugh.
- I know.
Yeah.
What's with the purse? You're gonna stay for the party, aren't you? Oh.
Uh Uh Yeah.
Sure.
Of course.
I mean, who am I? Meghan Markle? Where do I gotta be? [Both laugh.]
Aah! Staying! [Laughter.]
She just threw it over there.
What's wrong with Tony? AMY: Cassandra dumped him again.
This time, she ain't coming back.
I know that look.
Tony's in pain.
There's only one way to make that man whole again.
He needs a woman.
Should we call his mom? Tony used to babysit Elvis.
You think his mom's still alive? I'll get the shovels.
Won't be the first time.
Ladies, I'm not talking about a mom.
I'm talking about a special kind of friend.
I don't mean to be crass, but we need to get this man hugged.
Well, no one's gonna hug him looking like that.
Come on.
Let's put in a new backsplash and flip this house.
All right.
We did it.
Three farmer's markets, two laps around the ointment district, and a very confusing stop at a Judaica store.
Okay, they have the best candles, and you just know nothing about atmosphere.
Yeah? Why don't you tell that to my $30,000 chandelier, you scrub? I'm exhausted.
How long have I been watching you? Two, three weeks? - It's been four hours.
- Really? I don't know how your mom does this every day.
All right, here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna take a soft 20.
Do you have a Wall Street Journal lying around? Don't you dare check the markets now.
You still have to take me to go get my new tap shoes.
Okay, now, I know for a fact you have seven different pairs in your closet.
I've turned on them all.
And they on me.
Well, then you're gonna have to dance barefoot.
You can make the sounds with your mouth.
"Click-clack-tap.
" See? It's easy.
Well, guess I should be grateful.
Least I didn't get kidnapped.
Let me just text my mom.
- Hey, Siri, send message to Poppy.
- [Cellphone chimes.]
"Douglas dropping the ball, period.
Couldn't provide help, period.
Suggestions, question mark.
" A-A-At ease, Sarah.
- [Cellphone chimes.]
- All right, fine.
You want shoes? I know the guy at the Ferragamo store.
He can get us the illegal stuff.
Oh, no, no, no.
I only get my dance shoes from Foot Clothes for Number One Best Music Moving.
It's foreign-owned.
[Applause.]
BUD: Well, thank you all for coming.
Uh, boy, being married to me for all those years, [Chuckling.]
well, it couldn't have been easy.
[Chuckling.]
No.
My, uh, hair-plug trial nearly ruined us.
[Chuckles.]
Uh, my weight fluctuates 70 pounds in each direction every six months, and I don't go to Burning Man, but I talk about it all the time.
- [Both chuckle.]
- Oh, and also, honey, don't forget you banged the girls' health teacher.
- [Chuckles.]
- Oh.
That was a big one.
They're incredible.
They've had both their arms ripped off by a gorilla, and they're still pitching a perfect game.
I don't know how they did it.
You're probably wondering how we did it.
Well, we sought the help of a licensed marriage counselor.
And then an unlicensed one whose office had better parking.
[Laughs.]
But what we found most helpful was how inspired we were by a very special couple.
Yes.
They're best friends.
They're co-captains of the S.
S.
Romance.
They're partners in the law firm of Smooch, Hug, and Feingold.
That's right.
We're talking about our son Will.
And his girlfriend, Angie.
[Applause.]
To Will and Angie.
- ALL: Will and Angie! - [Chuckles nervously.]
[Whispering.]
Wait.
What is happening? Why are they throwing to us? Do they want us to say the name of the couple? [Whispering.]
The couple is us, Angie.
Terrible twist the toast is coming from inside the house.
Oh.
Hey, guys.
A note about your toast Yeah, less of a note, more of just, like, a "What-chu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" That's a synonym for note.
Mom, Dad, uh - the thing about Angie and I is that we - I'm sorry.
Did we embarrass you, Mr.
Big Shot Weatherman Public Personality? - [Chuckles.]
- So, sue us.
We're very proud that you found true love.
We're parents.
We brag.
It's what we do.
No, Mom, we're not We didn't want to get bogged down in details in front of our friends, but the truth is we were this close to a divorce.
- Oh.
- My bags were packed.
Your father grew a soul patch.
I was one click away from a black leather couch.
Started wearing my wedding ring on my thumb.
But in our darkest times, when it just feels like there is no point in trying anymore, that one ray of light that cuts through the blackness and it gives us hope.
- Me and Angie? - Us? Yes, you're so inspiring, the way you communicate and support each other.
Look, we understand it might not make any sense to you, - but it makes sense to us.
- Yeah.
So, Will's relationship with me is what's keeping you - from a divorce? - Boop.
- BUD: Perfectly said.
- Yes.
Will, hang on to this one.
She has a knack for summaries, and she can figure out the tabs on your Netscape! And your sexual chemistry is the stuff of volcanoes.
[Inhales slowly.]
[Imitates explosion.]
Okay, you know what? I'm gonna stop you right there.
While it is true that I, myself, ooze sexuality all over the place, uh, Will and I Babe? A mo'? BUD & LUCY: Oh! I think that was short for moment.
Ugh, your hand is soaking wet.
Because I'm nervous, okay? The only thing keeping my parents' real marriage together is our fake relationship.
We have to play along.
Okay, dude.
You are a grown man, all right? You can handle your parents getting divorced.
The thing you should really be upset about is that they are going to die.
Not today, but soon.
Come on, all we have to do is convince a bunch of old people that we're in love for like two hours, just until the sun sets, and they return home to watch "Jeopardy!" - It'll be easy.
- That's what you think.
No one's gonna buy that you scored this hot piece.
[Scoffs.]
What?! I'm on TV.
I'm a local celebrity.
Women look at me and they salivate like I'm a rotisserie chicken.
The fan mail I get, Angie insane.
Most of it's from prison, but the things they say they want to do to me You're not writing them back, are you? It would be rude if I didn't, but I am worried I'm getting in too deep and can't get out of it.
Anyway, please just pretend to be my girlfriend.
[Sighs.]
Don't you think that this is all a bit much? I don't like it either, okay? But I can't let my mom and dad get divorced.
Divorce is what happens to other people and to me personally, but not to my parents.
Ohh! Bud and Lucy spoke about the two of you so beautifully.
- Oh! - So, tell us, what's your secret? [Smacks lips.]
Um - Honey.
- Mm-hmm? I'll take this one.
[Chuckles.]
Okay.
When I come home from work, there are three things he has waiting for me.
Number one, a hot meal, number two, an ice-cold martini and number three, foot rub so intense, Mama sees angels.
- [Slaps.]
- A-A-Also, we like beaches.
The movie and the place.
How you feeling? I'm gonna find that goat and make it drink a wine made out of me.
Well, I finished boxing up the goat wine.
- [Clears throat.]
- So, guess I should go get Rory.
[Chuckles.]
He probably has Douglas in some kind of outfit by now.
O-Or, since he offered to help, you ask Douglas to keep watching Rory.
You deserve a break.
To do what? Sit around and enjoy myself? Who am I? Angie? Come on! Let Douglas help you.
You don't want another Davey.
Ooh! Davey! - He was useless.
- Useless.
- But boy, was he tall.
- Tall.
I once saw him eat a leaf off a tree like a brontosaurus.
Hunh.
But you're right.
I should do this.
- How should I do it? - Okay.
So, you text Douglas and ask him to keep Rory for the rest of the afternoon while you go shopping for you! And maybe for me, if you feel so inclined.
[Chuckles.]
- I don't.
- Okay.
- But okay.
- [Clears throat.]
Um you know what? Just gonna text him "I'm tied up.
" Right? I mean, why start a thing? Yeah, close enough.
All right.
Let's hit the mall.
I want to see teens and old people comfortably co-exist.
- [a-ha's "Take on Me" plays.]
- How did we meet? Uh Well, buckle up, because it is a yarn.
Remember, darling? Uh, like it was yesterday, buttercup.
Uh, we met on a - ski trip - Hot August night.
Because we both love water skiing in the dark.
- It's actually safer.
- Yeah.
- [Click, trimmer buzzing.]
- Here we go.
Watch me.
They have to match.
Believe me, I know symmetry.
Tony! Hold still! So, next thing we know, this knucklehead has signed us up for the pair skiing competition at the Lake Winnipesaukee Olympics! - And we win! [Chuckles.]
- Wha! What did you win? - $50,000! - Fish dinner.
[Sighs.]
It's an easy mistake because, you know what? To look into this man's eyes while he is eating makes you feel like you have won $50,000.
- [Chuckles.]
I do eat fish very sexually.
- [Chuckles.]
Watch me, Tony! Take on me BOTH: You missed a spot! So, now we're back at our cabin, first place trophy on the mantel, our bellies full of catfish - Our hearts full of love.
- [Chuckles.]
And at the exact same time, we look at one another and we say BOTH: "I love you.
Would you like to go out on a second date?" [Laughter, applause.]
Take on me Take on me And then what happened? You know what, Betty? Calm down.
RORY: C'mon, you big chimney.
Now that we have my shoes, only six more stops until dance class.
Could we take a break? I've done everything you wanted and more.
I even pulled over coming here because you thought you saw Jennifer Lawrence at a Rite Aid.
Okay, it was Jennifer Lopez, and it also wasn't her.
That was my B.
Now let's go to a deli.
I haven't eaten in 45 minutes.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute.
You ate 45 minutes ago? I haven't eaten all day.
Let's sit, huh? My mom hasn't sat in 10 years.
Do you know how hard that woman works? Whoo! We're wearing everything we bought! Two for leisure, please.
[Both laugh.]
[Both gasp.]
It's not what you think.
Lady, you forgot your alto saxophone.
Ssst! Here he is! Men want to be him, women want to hug him.
Tony! [Kids gasp.]
All that's left to do is to get this show pony to the rodeo.
Now somebody wake him up.
See? Look how happy they are.
If only there was some music playing, they wouldn't seem so crazy.
[Chuckles.]
Hey, uh, thank you for being my pretend girlfriend.
Oh.
Pfft.
No problem.
It was actually Easy.
Yeah.
I'm gonna go double-napkin some cake to take home.
Delicious.
Son, you really dressed this party up, but Angie strutted it down the runway.
Oh, yeah.
That's my lady.
The ol' ball and chain.
My one and only.
Ohh! I am so sorry I'm late.
I had to shower twice just to get off - all the sake and fur.
- H - Oh, hi.
- Hi! Mmm! [Both moaning.]
[To tune of "The Candy Man".]
Angie's walkin' backwards Tryin' to leave the room Ah.
Okay, so, that's just a kiss that we do that everybody's cool with.
Uh, Angie, do you want to take Tracy into the kitchen, show her that kangaroo-shaped soap dispenser where the soap comes out of the mouth but you put the sponge in the pouch, like a little joey? Thank you.
I am going to take these parents of mine into a room that is not this one.
Guys.
[Australian accent.]
Let's throw another soap on the spongy.
- What are you - [Normal voice.]
Just come see it.
[Exhales sharply.]
Kissing another woman? In your own home? It's brazen.
It's brazen! He got this from you.
Those might as well be your lips.
Ah.
You got my ass, but you got his lips! Damn it, Lucy, I take responsibility for my own mouth, no one else's! Okay, guys, I have a lot of info to get out, so I need you to put on your young-people brains, okay? Yes, you saw me kissing a woman.
That woman, known as Tracy, is my actual girlfriend.
- What? - Angie is not my girlfriend, but when you thought she was, we went along with it because you said our relationship was saving your marriage.
And it's true my friendship with Angie is very inspiring, but I have a great thing going with Tracy, and not to build it up too much hopefully, that will be the relationship that keeps you guys together.
Any questions? Mom, there's three people in this room.
You don't have to raise your hand.
- Do you always lie to us? - How long have you known Tracy? - Was your marriage to Mia real? - Are you intimate? - And is Sophie still Sophie? - Where's her family from? O-Okay, obviously, we do need to raise hands, and, Mom, I saw yours first.
Actually, mine was raised, but it was low, so okay.
Is this the Tracy from work? Yes.
She's my boss.
Follow-up question do we think that's a good idea? So, it's two questions per hand raise? It's good to know.
Everyone will get their turn.
Yes, Tracy is my boss, but we are navigating the tricky waters of a modern office romance very well, and she means a lot to me.
Yes, Father? Well, what were we supposed to think? We've never even met Tracy, and we've been to where Angie went to elementary school.
We didn't want to go, - but she took us there anyway.
- Not at all.
Look, Angie is a good fr a great friend.
Honestly, she's my best friend.
[Exhales sharply.]
Caught between two women.
[Chuckles.]
Sounds familiar.
I was referencing my own affair.
You're not that deep.
Yeah, Dad, we were able to crack the code.
[Clicks tongue.]
Yes, Mother? Is Tracy Presbyterian? Are we Presbyterian? See, you push on the head, and it barfs out the soap, which I love.
Angie what are you doing? See, you push on the head, and it barfs out the soap, which I love.
Okay, Angie.
Look [Exhales sharply.]
It's weird that I'm here.
And not just today, but all the times.
And that can't be fun for you.
You're right.
It's it's not.
See, you push on the head, and it barfs out the soap, which I love.
Sorry.
I'm re-reading your text.
"Still up to my ears in goat wine.
Miggy continues to complain of rumb-rumbs.
No end in sight.
" Yeah.
Yeah.
And get this the only store that sells rumb-rumb medicine keeps woodwinds by the register for impulse buys.
All right.
I'm sorry.
I just I wanted to take an afternoon off, and I couldn't bring myself to ask you.
Look, Poppy, you shouldn't be afraid to ask me to do anything, especially if it involves Rory.
[Sighs.]
Douglas, can you please take Rory for the rest of the day so that I can have the afternoon off? Just for me? It would be my pleasure.
RORY: Click-clack, click-clack, click-clickity-clack, clack-clack-, clack-clack, click-clickity-clack, clackity-clack, clackity-clack, clack-clack-clack-clack.
Son of a bitch isn't even wearing the shoes.
Angie.
- Hey.
- Hey.
I'm leaving, but are you okay? Not really.
Pretty sure my parents' marriage is screwed.
It's a lot to process.
Do you think that maybe I could call you later - and we could - Will, I love hanging out with you, but we need to do less of it.
For Tracy's sake and for everything.
Okay.
Yeah.
No, you're you're probably right.
- So, are we getting divorced, or - [Chuckles.]
Is this like a best-friend divorce? Oh, no, that would that'd crush Betty.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, let's just call it a best-friend trial separation.
Okay.
But I gotta live my life.
I'm gonna be best friends with other people.
Hey, we're separated.
None of my business.
[Chuckles lightly.]
[Sighs, chuckles.]
We'll always have Lake Winnipesaukee.
Ah.
First place.
[Chuckles.]
[Door closes.]
Oh.
Cool.
You guys have met.
No, we missed our window, and now we're stuck in uncomfortable silence.
Okay.
Even better, because I want to do the honors.
Mom, Dad, this is my girlfriend, Tracy Freeze.
[Chuckles.]
Hi.
Lovely to meet you.
Uh now, correct me if I'm wrong, but is "Freeze" Methodist? I don't know if a name can be Methodist but my family's Presbyterian.
[Gasps.]
I knew it.
[Sighs.]
We're Episcopalian.
Okay.
We've done everything we can.
It's up to him now.
Come on, Tony.
Spread those cheeks and let the smile do the talking.
Yeah.
Take a lap.
Check out the talent.
Good.
Good.
Yeah.
Now perch and let the birds flock.
BARTENDER: Here you go.
[All gasping.]
AMY: Oh, my gosh! Guys, look at my arm.
I'm shaking.
- [Sophie gasps.]
- [Chuckles.]
Goodbye, Cassandra.
He's found a new woman, and he's gonna hug her forever.
Just think of the wedding.
Something small and intimate.
By the sea.
What have we done? Oh, my God.
We've created a hug ho! Guys, Tony's asleep.
[Kids shouting.]
: Tony!