Son of a Critch (2022) s02e11 Episode Script

1
Nothing made me feel better
than feeling sick on a school day.
Big news for this little town
Tina Turner is gonna pay a visit.
Oh, give me that!
Never thought I'd get
to cover a papal visit.
You know, there's money
to be made from this visit.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
Have some respect.
Hello?
Mike
Look, I told you not to call me at home.
Thank you, goodbye.
Telemarketer?
Ah, yeah.
Where's your uniform?
I'm sick!
- I am not buyin' it.
- What?
I first caught the acting bug
by faking sick
A lot.
Breathe in.
Out.
Well?
He's faking.
You little shagger!
But I'm actually sick this time!
Get dressed!
It was my own fault.
I was the boy who cried whooping cough.
Go on.
Little faker.
Jeez!
Our school has been invited
to send a class to see
His Holiness.
I've decided that this class is
The least worst.
Congratulations.
One of you will get to do a reading
in front of the Pope himself.
And it will be televised!
Television?!
Any volunteers?
Lord, hear our prayer!
Unless it's for the
Bruins to win, am I right?
Yeah!
My man!
Mark Critch.
The winner by default.
Thank you, Miss
Are you sick, Mr. Critch?
Uh, no.
Just gotta lay off
the second-hand smokes.
I had faked sick before,
but now I had to fake healthy.
Ahem!
Oh, hey! There he is!
What?
You told me to stop calling you!
Scott Howell.
Owner of rival station VOAQ.
His station was number one,
but first was never good enough.
Now how'd you get past Gertie?
I'm not used to hearing "no."
What's it gonna take
to get you to come work for me?
I'm not a DJ, Mr. Howell,
and VOAQ isn't exactly
known for news, so
No, no, no, we want you to
bring your call-in segment to us.
And then we'll make it sexier.
I'm not "sexy," Mr. Howell.
You don't say!
The world's goin' digital.
It's 1988.
Look at all this crap!
It's a joke!
I'm a "dance with the one
who brought ya" kind of man.
Yeah, which is why you're stuck here
in this closet for a studio,
with gum under the desk.
I get what I want, Mike.
I even get what I don't want.
I've got a show to do, Mr. Howell,
so if you do not mind
Hey, Dad, can I show
you something real quick?
Not now!
Listen, um, Mr. Howell is lost.
Could you please show him to the door?
I've gotta get on the
air. Thanks for comin' by.
Think about it!
Mr. Howell! I'm, uh, Mike, Junior.
Please, no "Mr. Howell"!
I wear cowboy boots.
Call me Scott!
Hey, wha what have you got here?
Oh, I just this stupid little
thing I was thinkin' up, but
Yeah, I want to hear all about it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Okay, uh, it's a mobile
broadcasting unit,
but it's in the shape of
a giant boombox, right?
We're gonna launch it
when the Pope comes.
That is wild!
Far out!
Do you mind if I hold onto this, kid?
Please, take it! Yeah, yeah.
Thanks.
And if, uh, you ever get sick
of workin' in this museum,
gimme a shout.
Radio's for the young, kid.
Monogrammed.
Cool.
Are you sure you're up for this?
You can't handle gym
class on the best of days.
Oh
Was the sun always this bright?
Mark, if you're too sick for laps,
you're too sick for the Pope.
Oh, come on. He has to
read one stupid line.
Anyone could do that.
I'd like to see you try.
Are you sure you're okay?
Ew! Are you gonna hurl?
Gross. Snots.
All right, listen up!
Let's hustle!
Ugh
Ten laps!
Today, people!
Come on, Critch!
Come on, come on!
C'mon, lift those legs, lift those legs!
In through the nose
Exhale.
In
Oh
Critches get stitches!
My own doctor had labelled me a liar.
So I sought out a second opinion.
Asthma, epilepsy
Gout?
That's a self-diagnosis.
It explains my grade in gym.
Where are your parents?
My family doctor says
I'm a hypochondriac,
which sickens me.
Stop talking. Just cough.
Hm. Breathe?
Mm.
Give it to me straight, Doc.
Well, you're most certainly not faking.
You have bronchitis.
Would you like a note for school?
No!
I just need something to
get me through the week.
You know, B-12 shot?
Morphine?
How about some cough syrup?
Oh
I just got a phone call.
Who the frig is Dr. Lee?
He's my personal physician.
It's private.
Get in bed!
The big day! My TV debut.
But first, a performance
for a smaller audience.
Woke up feeling like a new man!
No. You're staying home.
But I have a duty to a higher power!
Mike?
Listen to your mother.
I already called the
school to let them know
you're not doing your reading.
What?!
But I'm fine!
Would somebody get that?
Yeah, got it!
Yeah, me and the b'ys,
we're selling Pope crap
to raise money for our bar.
What do you think?
What is that?
"Pope on a Rope"!
How much would you pay for this?
That is my good Avon soap!
No, it's not! It just looks like it.
Anyway, I've got two dozen
more setting over here.
Ah, yes, I'll help
You are gonna sit on
the couch and watch TV.
You're gettin' on my last nerve!
Ohhh!
All the times I pray to be sick!
What kind of God is this?
Get!
Yes, sir.
Thank you, sir!
That was Scott Howell.
He just offered me a job at VOAQ radio.
He's only hiring you to get at me!
Or, you know, maybe he thinks I'm good?
No, that's not it!
I turned him down.
I'm taking the job.
Mark is off sick so we will
have to select another student.
Perhaps I should have
chosen Sister Maura's class.
Maybe this illness is a
sign of God's disapproval.
But, Sister, didn't
Jesus say something about
not throwing stones ?
You're right.
God loves redemption.
You can redeem yourself by
doing the reading for the Pope.
- Pardon?
- What?
Good luck, Ms. Fowler.
I'm sure Fox will make you proud.
This was the scene earlier
My big break!
Millions watching!
The adrenaline would get me through!
Maybe I can still make it!
You're not getting off this
couch until you feel better.
Oh
Asthma, epilepsy, bronchitis
Sin.
You never had a chance.
The Pope's schedule is packed with stops
along the Newfoundland shore.
There was still a way
to get to the Pope.
A very Catholic way
Guilt.
You're right!
I wish I was there to be blessed.
A blessing could mean a miracle cure.
I might have a chance then.
In search of hope and healing,
a record crowd has gathered to see
Get in the car.
- Oh, yes!
- What?
I just hope this works.
Yeah.
Pop and his buddies
turned the papal visit
- into a mini Las Vegas!
- Four quarters holding up the wheel!
Anybody, four quarters?
Come get your tickets!
See, state of the art!
Everything in here is digital.
Bet you never seen
anything like this at VOCM.
No. No, nothin'!
Wait, no, the super roving
radio looks pretty cool, right?
Ah
And here we are, Pope-side,
here at what is quickly
becoming quite the event
Yeah, it's not as cool as ours, though!
Maybe I shouldn't have
showed you their design.
Poppycock!
Here, I have something for ya.
Look at this bad boy.
- Oh, come on!
- Yeah.
Good God!
He's wearing enemy colours!
I can't do this! It's stupid.
There's too many people.
You're just nervous.
Whenever I'm scared of public speaking,
I picture the audience
in their underwear.
Just picture the Pope in his underwear.
Ew, gross!
Ugh!
No help.
Quick blessing, straight back to bed.
Just know, it's not
your fault that I'm weak.
It's just bad genes.
I made ya! Whose fault is it, then, hm?
Dad's.
Oof, I'd say, yeah.
We go now live to Flatrock,
where the Pope is about
to bless the fishing fleet.
Let's listen in
The joyful event that
unites us is the blessing
of the fishing fleet here at Flatrock.
That Jesus called Simon, Peter
Why don't we show your old man
what you're made out of, huh?
Hey
Scram.
Yeah.
She's all yours.
Thank you, Holy Father.
On behalf of all the fishermen,
we also wish you a
blessed and safe journey.
Over.
And the Pope has blessed the
Newfoundland fishing fleet.
You're listening to VOAQ radio.
Call in for your chance to win
VIP tickets to Pope on the Rock!
That little Judas!
Call in to our request line
and tell us your biggest sin to win!
Dick, turn up our volume.
- Are you sure?
- Just do it!
If you're a part of the
wide world of VOCM ♪
Stand up straight. Stand up.
Come on, stand straight.
Do up that button.
Zipper!
Has anyone seen Fox?
Um
I think she may have pipped off?
Pipped off?!
Oh, typical.
Motorists should be warned
the Pope is leaving the area,
so all roads are now closed.
Act like you're having an asthma attack!
What, why?
You've been faking sick your whole life!
Do it!
It was time to use my
faking superpower for good.
Road's closed.
Can't breathe
Is this the light?
Can you see that my son
is having an asthma attack?
So help me, if my little boy
dies in this car, you're next!
We're gonna let her through!
Go on, let her through! Let her through!
Gordie, get her an escort, would ya?
Let's go, get her through!
We followed the Pope like pilgrims.
Not since the Virgin Mary was
there such a dedicated mom.
And once we cleared the barricade,
Mom ditched our police
escort like a bad habit.
Excellent work.
Who needed faith in God?
I had faith in Mom.
Beautiful stuff.
Yeah, beautiful.
So, souvenirs! Souvenirs here!
Come get your John Paul II souvenirs!
Great, great.
Oh! Oh, here.
Man and woman who are
Oh, bless this, Father.
Oh yeah, here.
Get that water. Bless it there.
Get it in there.
Beautiful.
Love and protect those who use them.
Rosaries! Rosaries for sale!
Blessed by the holiness himself!
And holy, holy, holy water!
It's so holy you can
practically walk on it!
Come on, now! There you go!
Yes, please! Very good choice.
Very good choice. Yeah, beautiful.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you, that's perfect.
Well, this is
Where are you going?
That nun set me up!
There will literally be people
in Poland calling me a nimrod!
If you don't do it,
you'll be proving everyone
who says you can't right.
You got this.
If this sucks, you're dead, okay?
Yeah. I know.
Souvenirs!
John Paul II souvenirs!
Come get your souvenirs!
- Oh, oh.
- Excuse me.
Sorry, Father.
I'll take two rosaries
and a "Pope on a Rope."
Oh! What a good choice, Father.
Well, here, take these rosaries.
There we are for you.
And there's the Pope on a rope.
Beautiful.
Happy scrubbing, Father.
Thank you. Special rate for the clergy.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And now a reading from a local student
from St. Bridget's school.
And there he was.
The Catholic Elvis!
I was seconds away
from international fame!
This is it!
A reading from the book of Matthew.
I'm too late!
And Jesus said to them,
"follow me and I will make
you become fishers of men."
Amen.
I may have missed my chance,
but watching Fox, I wouldn't
want it any other way.
Yeah!
And that was a reading from a student
at St. Bridget's. My
son mark goes there
I'm sorry you didn't get to go up.
Luckily, we'll be broadcasting
right up to the minute
It's okay.
This is even better.
It's more about the journey, ya know?
Mike Critch, reporting live
from the tailgate party.
All hands are listening to ye crowd.
Way to go, young fella.
Thanks, Dick.
Hey, did my dad say anything?
Look, his heart might
be broke right now,
but he'll get over it.
Broke?
I get it. You do what you gotta do!
But by the way,
would you give my résumé to Scott?
Us young fellas got
to stick together now.
Yeah.
I better get back to the booth
before your dad realizes I'm gone.
Scott!
We're expecting to see the weather
turn to rain showers soon,
so if you're out to
have a gawk at the Pope,
make sure you bring an
umbrella or a rain hat!
The pontiff is expected to
leave Newfoundland around 7 pm,
making a quick stop in
Toronto before heading home
to Vatican City to put his feet up.
We can go home.
Aw.
Jesus Christ!
is, uh, certainly
a Newfoundlander today.
After all, he was a fisherman.
And a good fisherman at that, Mike!
You're listening to VOCM.
With live coverage as the
Pope makes his final journey
back to the airport, then home.
Oh, that Pope gets around worse
than Mary packin' Magdalene!
The Pope was done with Newfoundland,
but Mom was not done with the Pope.
Aah!
Hold on, we're not through
with this yet, by Jesus!
That was a pretty good
first day of radio, son.
- Oh! Thanks, man.
- Yeah.
So, what time tomorrow?
Oh yeah!
See, I don't know if we have
any slots open for you right now,
but we'll we'll find
something down the line.
Hey, Scott, thank you very
much for the opportunity.
Uh-huh.
But you were just using
me to get to my dad.
So, I quit.
What?! You
You can't qui You
can't go back to VOCM!
They're a bunch of losers!
Ah that's weird.
I guess I am too, then.
- All right.
- Well, you you can't quit,
because I fire you! You're fired.
Okay.
By the way, there's been three
minutes of dead air on your station.
Yeah, I-I turned it
off when I quit, so
What ? You can't do that in radio!
- Yeah.
- You have no respect!
I'm still learning.
- You son of a
- Critch?
You have no respect for radio!
Breaking Pope news!
A slight diversion for the
Pope on his way to the airport.
A group of Polish fishermen are in port.
They'd hoped to meet His Holiness.
He is the first Polish Pope,
and it seems the Holy Father will stop
to offer the fishermen
a blessing on his way
Mom had brought me to
half the doctors in town,
so why not try a faith healer?
Gotcha, ha!
What mother could resist a miracle cure?
Come on, sweetheart, let's go!
Excuse me, get out of the way!
Deathly ill child coming through!
Bless my son.
Bless my son for the asthma.
And for the epilepsy.
Oh, thank Your Holiness.
Come on.
Let's get you back in
the car before you catch
your death again. Excuse me.
Turns out there are many ways
to say "I love you."
Sometimes it's how far
a person will go for you.
And now Newfoundland bids
a fond farewell to Pope John Paul II.
And sometimes
It's where they're willing to meet you.
I know I got a lot to learn.
I could learn a bit from you too.
You did a great job today.
Come on.
Newfoundlanders will remember this
special visit for years to come.
Woo! Over 800!
We've got enough for the bar!
That is indeed a miracle!
Oh, dear.
Maybe we should have
got one more blessing.
Oh
My biggest blessing is right here.
Mary I'm sick.
Jesus Murphy!
- Mary!
- Tea?