Splitting Up Together (US) (2018) s02e11 Episode Script

1 Ew.
It's the Yellow Pages.
I know.
That's what the "ew" was for.
It's stupid and it's ugly and I hate.
I'm in here.
Under "Gilded Lotus.
" - Ooh, Gilded Lotus.
- It's the name of my business.
It sounds like a vagina-piercing place.
No, it doesn't.
It's a play on "gilding the lily.
" So why didn't you just call it "Gilded Lily"? Because that name was taken.
By a vagina-piercing place.
You know, when I'm interested in hiring someone, - the first thing I do is I get the phone book - Yeah.
- and if their name is in here - Right? I don't hire them.
It's 2019.
It's all about branding yourself on social media.
It just so happens I'm in a ton of Facebook groups.
And I tweet up a storm.
I am on Instagram.
You have 14 followers.
It's not about quantity.
It's about quality.
No, it's about quantity.
You're wrong.
Oh god, yeah, e-even Mae doesn't follow you.
- Mae is a tough nut to crack - She follows Arthur.
Okay, don't worry.
I'm gonna help you.
If you want your business to blow up, you have to project success.
- Are you suggesting - I think we should buy you some followers.
You can Venmo me back.
I don't have that.
I can write you a check.
[SIGHS.]
I can't even look at you right now.
Keep giving me hope for a better day Keep giving me love to find a way Through this heaviness I feel, I just need - Someone to say everything's okay - Everything's okay - Mm? Your very own bedroom.
Look at this, man.
How cool is this? - Did you say utilities were included? - [BEEPING.]
- Yep.
And the best part is - [RATTLING.]
lint time! You never know what you're gonna find in the lint filter.
Ta-da! Wow.
25 cents.
You know, just because I live in the laundry room, don't expect me to fold everyone else's clothes.
Learning a trade would be good for you.
Hey, hey! I-I'll take that.
Easy, buddy.
What's up with you and the turtle? Gee, I don't know.
What's up with you and my mom? Excuse me? What Hey, is everything okay? Hmm? Is this about the laundry? Because you don't have to really do it.
It ain't about the laundry.
It's just I don't like prying questions.
And I can see that you don't, either.
So let's just remember that.
Hey, you guys, it's Tamryn Tomas Vandaloo TTV.
You guys, is this mole growing? [GROANS.]
It's like, "Seriously, mole? Right now, mole? You're gonna do this?" Anyway, I am currently in my daughter Rabbit's playroom, and, as you can see, it's really gross and she never, ever wants to be here.
Does anyone have any pro tips? - [CLICKING.]
- "Chair swing.
Massive wall decal with shelves you can climb.
Bring the outdoors in.
" Hey.
You guys grammin'? Are you just lurkin'? I used to be a lurker m'self.
Hey, there's a lotta new content on my page these days.
Unsubscribe.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
- [SIGHS.]
Oh, schnapp! Mom's blowin' up! I just got a reply from TTV.
Stop it.
Mason, she loves my ideas.
She wants to discuss.
TTV! So cool.
- Sounds like a bot.
- You're a bot.
[CLICKING.]
- [SIGHS.]
Lena.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- Hey.
- We have a problem.
I found this in Milo's book bag.
It's the Room Mom sign-up sheet.
Oh, I-I don't think I can do that this year.
I'm trying to get my business off the ground.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, yeah.
Pink Lotus.
- Gilded Lotus.
I'm changing it.
- Oh.
What, are you gonna hang up your Room Mom Keds? Turning in your glue gun? Between Mae, Mason, and the last four years with Milo, I've been Room Mom for over a decade.
Come on.
You're not seriously - gonna make me feel bad about this.
- No, no, no I'm not trying to make you feel guilty.
I swear it.
I-I just I'm worried about Milo you know? I don't know if it's a delayed reaction to the divorce or it's because we've moved him into the laundry room, but the kid is just not himself.
- - [WASHING MACHINE WHIRRING.]
Hey! It looks great in here.
Yeah, I love what you've done with the place, bud.
- [WASHING MACHINE CHIMES.]
- Oh! - Oh, thank you for that.
- No problem.
So, um.
.
- it looks like I'm not - [DOOR CLOSES.]
gonna be able to be Room Mom this year.
That's fine.
I know women everywhere are counting on you for their hysterectomies.
Okay, that's not what I do.
- Oh, no? - No.
I want to help people by decorating their houses.
Oh, well, that's also important work.
But I wanna make sure you don't feel neglected.
On the contrary.
Don't worry about me.
Please.
Carry on.
Ah.
Oh, okay.
Maybe - there's a way I can figure out how to - Ask me to be Room Mom? No need.
I am on it! I'm in! You're not exactly Room Mom material No, I am not, son.
I am Room Dad material.
I'm gonna dad that room until it forgets it even had a mom.
- Really, Martin? Are you sure? - Yes.
Yeah, you know what? It's my turn, okay? I-I-it was probably my turn a lot of turns ago, so I feel like I want to hug you.
Can I hug you? I'm not in the business of turning down hugs.
- What we gonna do when the vibe roll through? - [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
When it's feeling so good and it's feeling so new, it's lit - H Oh, hi! - TAMRYN: Oh, my God, you guys.
Look at her.
She's so confused.
I'm Instastorying our meet-cute.
- Oh! I didn't realize our meet - It's lit was gonna be so cute.
Um I'm Lena.
Hashtag hope there's a filter.
That really sucked.
- Yeah, I'm not gonna post that.
- [BEEP.]
Hi! - [PHONE THUDS.]
- Ow! Ohh! Oh, I want you to meet my daughter, Rabbit, and her rabbit, Pamela Catherine.
Hi! Rabbit always wanted a rabbit, but we were worried it was gonna be just super confusing, so we named her Pamela Catherine.
- That makes sense.
- Run that beat back TAMRYN: Quick poll, you guys hire or fire? Gainfully employed or living on the streets like a hobo with a long stick and a bandana? Okay, just to clarify, if this doesn't work out, I won't be living on the street! I was talking to my followers.
Gotcha.
Gotcha.
I just didn't want them to worry about me.
They won't.
Okay.
So tell us your ideas.
Oh, what? Oh, now you're talking to me.
Okay.
So, Tamryn, I die for your modern aesthetic, but this playroom needs a serious dose of warmth and playfulness.
I'm picturing a woodland wonderland, where the centerpiece is a giant tree with a hollow center that doubles as a reading nook, and this floor-to-ceiling moss wall - that has just little, fake flowers - It's lit that can be picked and replanted.
Okay, little mama.
You just earned yourself a job.
- Aah! [LAUGHS.]
- Run that beat back, let me show 'em what's up Hey, hey, it's a party over here - Hey, hey, it's a party over here - ALL: Milo! - Hey, hey, it's a party over here - Hey, guys.
Rules the school just like his old man.
Hey, welcome aboard.
Hello.
Milo's dad, reporting for duty.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Uh, what exactly are my duties? Oh, helping out with special projects, overseeing hot lunch.
Oh, and putting together - our upcoming 100 Days of School party.
- Ooh! - You actually get to help choose the theme.
- Hmm.
Oh, okay.
Let's see Hollywood Nights! Ooh.
How about "Black Panther"? Neon Carnival? - "Black Panther.
" - "Great Gatsby.
" Listen, Milo's dad, it's gonna be "Black Panther.
" Wakanda forever, okay? - Uh-huh.
- Yeah? Okay.
MILO: Give it to me.
What the hell? [WHISPERING.]
Hey, hey.
Buddy, what, uh what's going on over there with the money and the and the bow? I-I don't know anything.
[NORMAL VOICE.]
I'm the Room Dad.
You can talk to me.
I'm too scared.
Scared of what? [WHISPERING.]
Milo.
It's crazy! Did you hear the rumor that she dated both Property Brothers? Everybody heard.
She made sure of that.
I don't think I've ever seen this side before.
- What side? - You're jealous.
Jealous? [LAUGHS LOUDLY.]
Ooh, you even have a weird jealous laugh.
I thought you'd be happy for me.
I am happy for you.
- I'm practically elated.
- Ha! [LAUGHS MOCKINGLY.]
Okay, look, it's just that I've seen the way that she operates.
She'll chew you up, she'll suck out all your content, and she'll leave you on the side of the road, gasping for air.
TTV is supportive.
Whereas you made fun of my Yellow Pages.
I bought you followers, okay? I accepted a check.
I didn't even know I could do that.
TTV accepts me for who I am.
No.
She exploits you for who you are.
For Tamryn, this is just about her increasing her female followers, okay? This is not about your design skills.
You're wrong.
She hired me to design her playroom.
Our relationship is based on mutual respect and is strictly 100% professional.
- You guys, - Whoo these paper straws make us want to vom.
- Vom! - Ugh! - Okay, step back, here comes the queen - I can't even.
Oh, Lena.
So pliable.
[SIGHS.]
Well, looks like you're my new BFF.
I knew you'd get there.
[BIRDS CHIRPING.]
[SIGHS.]
What kind of racket you running here? Look who's back.
"Mr.
Questions.
" [SIGHS.]
Are you a bully? A bully? Quite the opposite.
Roger was just repaying a few bucks I loaned him on the bake sale day.
He's a good kid.
Hey, boss.
This guy bothering you? Whoa.
Didn't know the school was K through - 30.
- I'm a sixth grader.
It's cool, Owen.
This is my dad.
Copy that, boss.
[DOG BARKING IN DISTANCE.]
Ah, can I just have all the wine? [AS TAMRYN.]
Can I have all the wine, please? Ugh! You even sound like her.
Well, maybe that's why I had a follow spike.
Baby's first follow spike.
16,000! Did you see? I think it's 'cause she tags me in everything.
Actually, 5,000 of those followers are from me.
Thank you.
But actually, I don't think we even needed to buy them.
I'm just I feel so blessed to be working with an influencer who is so influential.
- Hmm.
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
So how's that playroom coming along? - Hmm? - [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
The job she actually hired you to do? - Designing the playroom? - [CELLPHONE CHIMES.]
Totally.
[GASPS.]
So crazy! She boomeranged our Vom Straws, and it went viral.
Look at how many views! Mm.
No, thanks.
Where are you going? Well, you said you wanted all the wine.
It's all yours! I should story this.
Wait.
[SCHOOL BELL RINGS.]
Good morning, Ms.
David.
Uh, I just wanted to grab a quick word - before class.
Hi.
- There he is! Our Room Baba.
"Baba" means "father" in Wakandan.
- Cool.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Um, so, I'm just a little bit concerned - about Milo.
- Oh, okay.
Okay, it's starting to look like he, um I'm j I'm just getting this feeling that he might be [SIGHS.]
I don't know, a bully.
[LAUGHING.]
- What? What? - That's absurd.
Milo is a gorgeous and wildly popular golden-haired child who's probably gonna - out-earn us all.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Okay, okay, stop.
He's got some goon working for him.
- Goon? - Yeah, Owen.
He's like a He's a sixth grader.
Have you been interacting - with sixth graders? - No.
Because as a third-grade Room Parent, that's strictly against school rules.
- There.
Did you see that? - What? - What? - Look, look, look, look! Hello, Ms.
David.
- Hey, superstar.
[CHUCKLES.]
- You missed it.
- He he just did the thing.
- I think I know what's going on here.
Your ex-wife, Lena, she was Room Parent royalty.
The stuff legends are made of.
Here comes Baba, feeling all threatened.
- No.
- He starts swinging his hose around, - lookin' for a fire to put out - Mnh-mnh.
but there is no.
.
fire.
Do I make myself clear? Yeah? Ooh! Really good news! - We did it.
- What did we do?! We broke through.
Our hashtag "mommyfriendship" delivered thousands of unique impressions in the coveted 47-55 demo that I was so sorely lacking in.
- My sponsors are so stoked.
- That's amazing! - I know.
- And they are going to love that playroom centerpiece I told you about.
- I found someone who can fabricate - Cool, cool, cool.
So, can we put a pin in this for one second because I actually need your design expertise on a much more pressing project.
Rabbit's seven-month birthday.
You want me to plan your pet's birthday party? Oh, you're thinking of Pamela.
Rabbit's my daughter.
I don't know why you get confused by that.
Yeah.
I j But - you know, I'm not really a party planner.
- Supes interesante.
I love that backstory.
So, uh, this, I promise, will be the only non-playroom favor that I ask of you.
I swear.
Okay.
Well, if I do it, will you at least mention my company? No can do, baby.
Technically, I can only mention two companies and those are MeUndies and Westside Rentals.
So, I have purchased 900 balloons.
And I need every last breath in that adorable little body to inflate them.
You're a legend! MARTIN: I'm telling you, man, the teacher is in on it! The kids, they're too scared to even make eye contact with Milo.
I've heard that's what it's like working for Dr.
Phil.
I take the reins for one minute and this is what happens? My 8-year-old is shaking kids down? You know what you have to do, bro.
Toss his room, man.
Full-blown search and seizure.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No, going through his stuff, that's a violation.
It just means you want to keep him safe.
Same reason why I go through Camille's purse at night - while she's sleeping.
- You do? Yeah, I look at her receipts, I pay her parking tickets.
I learned all kinds of things about her, things I would never know otherwise.
[WHISPERED.]
She's a bad tipper, bro.
Dude, okay, okay.
No, he's he's he is on a field trip right now, so if we go in there, no one's gonna even know that Goin' in.
- Aha! - What are you thinking? Static Touch Plasma Sphere with Mini Tesla Energy Coil.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let me try.
"To William, love Gramma Bea.
"? Josh Jr.
, you sneaky bastard, you know something.
You want me to slice that turtle? What the hell, dude? Where did you get that? Camille's purse.
I told you.
It's treasure trove.
Cut him.
- [GASPS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Oh! What is this golden-haired Svengali up to? I don't know, but I want in.
[ANNIE LENNOX'S "I PU A SPELL ON YOU" PLAYS.]
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
I put a spell on you Because you're mine [BREATHES HEAVILY AND COUGHS WEAKLY.]
[RINGING.]
CAMILLE: Hey, it's Camille.
You should know I'm text-only.
- Never do this again.
- You better stop the things you do Because You're mine Oh, yeah Uh, does your character have blond hair? No.
No, he does not.
Milo.
We need to talk.
Now.
We don't talk during "Guess Who?" unless we're guessing who.
Up.
[SIGHS.]
Fine.
Okay, the jig is up.
I found your stash and your cash.
I cut William a deal, and he's gonna sing like a bird.
This is your last chance to come clean with me.
Oh, fine.
I run a very profitable organization called "Club Milo.
" I charge monthly dues, but in exchange, - you get a place at my lunch table and in my heart.
- [WASHING MACHINE CHIMES.]
People want that? What, they pay for your company? Premium members get a T-shirt with my face on it, - and I'll call you on your birthday - Milo.
[SIGHS.]
Friendship isn't commerce, pal.
You can't sell it.
You should try following the example of your older siblings who show you kindness because they love you - and you're their brother.
- You kidding? That's why I came up with Club Milo.
- I pay them to spend time with me.
- What? Mae! Mason! I want you in Milo's fluff and fold now! - You shrieked? - What's up? Are you two selling yourselves to your brother? - Pretty much.
- Yeah, kinda.
What what is wrong with you? Have you no decency? He pays, and he pays well.
I-I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
Okay.
You two.
You guys, return all that money you accepted from Milo.
And you.
You are gonna shut down your club and refund all of the membership fees.
And furthermore, the three of you are gonna be punished if you do not continue to have a loving relationship with each other.
For free.
- - [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Oh, my God.
You're finally here.
So, I need a favor, baby.
The clown I hired canceled.
So you need me to find someone else last minute? No, I already found someone last minute.
Oh, and I will remember to shout-out your business.
What is the name of it again? Golden Cervix? Here's the thing, Tamryn, and, um I've really thought a lot about this, and even with the shout-out, I only want to be your designer.
I don't want to do any of this other stuff.
I feel like you're really selling yourself short.
You're so much more than a designer.
What does that word even mean? You're like a mother figure to Rabbit and totally on-brand friend.
I have my own friends, and I have my own kids.
I just need a job.
This is the job.
Then I'm not interested.
Well, then, I'm not interested.
You see that, though? How much we have in common? Room Baba? - Hm-hmm.
- This place looks great.
And you cooked dinner? - It's not even your week.
- Stop it.
I told you it's my turn to pick up the slack.
Well, speaking of slack, I missed the 100 Days of School party.
Oh, God.
Who cares? How many times have I missed that thing? - 79.
- Oh, good.
- So you were counting.
- Mmm! - This is really good.
- Yeah? Here, here, here.
- Try it with some bread.
- Oh.
- So I have a little update on the Milo front.
- Mm.
His odd behavior wasn't about the divorce or the downsizing of his room, so we're not bad parents.
No, he was just acting weird because he's running an extortion scheme! Oh.
Mm.
Well, we are bad parents, just not the way that we thought.
- You know what? I'll take it.
- Hmm? Oh, and I seized hundreds of dollars that's he's been laundering inside Josh Jr.
Wait.
- Did Milo make more money than me this week? - Mm-hmm.
- But I thought we could put it towards college.
- Hmm.
- Or bail.
Mm? - Mm.
- [TAPPING.]
Bail.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Probably [INSECTS CHIRPING.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
You wanna make skinny margs and drinkstagram? Not for a million [BLEEP.]
dollars.
Well, what if I just said sorry? I'm sorry, too.
I should have been more supportive and less threatened.
No, Camille, you were right.
She was using me.
And after we parted ways, all of her followers unfollowed me.
Now I'm back down to the 5,000 you bought me.
BFFs again? I mean, I've never banged a Property Brother, but sure.