Stuck in the Middle (2016) s02e11 Episode Script

1 "PSA.
" "PSA.
" I put it on here, I just have no idea what it means.
Pedicure Saturday afternoon? No, that would just be setting myself up for disappointment.
Pick shiny automobile? Are we getting a new car? Really? There's even less chance of that than me getting a pedicure.
PSA.
Pat Sajak arrives.
No way.
I sent that letter four years ago.
I got it.
Stop being annoying.
- Those aren't the right letters.
- I know.
If it were up to me, we wouldn't be having this problem.
I would've taken this activity board digital years ago.
With a high-tech interface, real-time scheduling for every member of the family, and the ability to delete toilet scrubbing.
Instead, my mom erases things with spit on a tissue.
Sometimes I even wonder how this came from that.
Oh, no, now I remember.
- Public service announcement.
- What with a capital huh? Remember we saw that commercial about visiting the elderly? BOTH: Awww! HARLEY: That's so sweet.
She gave her her luffy.
Those old people need us.
We should be helping, too.
Mm-hmm.
We signed up to volunteer Saturday at the retirement community.
I'd like to help old people, but not today.
What about next week? They'll be even older, so it'll be that much nicer to help them by them.
You think I wanna spend my Saturday cutting up food for cranky people? I can do that right here, but we made a commitment.
Fine.
But next time, we fast forward through the commercials.
Georgie, Ethan, you're on laundry duty.
You're breaking up, Mom.
Hey, Mom, can I borrow 20 for the mall? The good news is, you can have your 20.
The bad news is, you're babysitting Daphne, and the worst news is, I only have a ten.
Not fair.
I hate taking her to the mall.
I hate when she takes me to the mall.
Then it's totally fair.
No one's happy.
Besides, about time you did more to help out around here.
Otherwise, having seven kids was a total waste.
I mean for chores.
You're each a gift from heaven.
Was that last part an afterthought? I felt it was an afterthought.
Let's be honest.
Half of us were an afterthought.
Speak for yourself.
I know going to Golden Horizons is a sacrifice, but it's for the seniors.
Oh, but before we go, I have the SWTO.
I just added that.
Start writing things out.
Hey, hey, hey, hey Sometimes it feels like things are outta control Like you're living in a circus Tryin' to figure out your way in the world Where you're at is kinda perfect So turn it up, turn it up Do your thing, don't stop Let the games begin, let's jump right in I wanna get stuck with you In the middle of the party We're just getting started I wanna get stuck with you In the eye of the tornado, rowin' in the same boat I wanna get stuck with you Get stuck in the middle with you I wanna get stuck with you Hello.
(loudly) Excuse me.
Is this Golden Horizons? Poor thing.
Doesn't even know we're talking to him.
Harley, it's gonna be a sacrifice, but it's for the seniors.
- Whoa! - Sorry.
I thought you might be chilly.
No, I wasn't chilly.
I was chillin' before racquetball.
Listenin' to the Beebs.
Yeah, the kid's really turned it around.
It's the good part.
That is not what I expected.
And this is not what I expected.
Hi, I'm Kelly.
Welcome to Golden Horizons.
You must be the Diazes.
Yes, we're so happy to be giving our time.
By the way, it took us ten minutes to park.
Does that count towards our volunteer hours? No, but we validate.
And I get it.
Most people think volunteering is just cutting up food for cranky old people.
Oh, so the cranky old people cut up their own food? Actually, our residents are very active.
No kidding.
Softball, beach day, pottery class.
What, no foot massages? Spa day Tuesday.
Harley, when it comes time for me and your dad to go to Golden Horizons, and you can only afford one, I call dibs.
I'm not sure what you need us for.
From what I'm seeing, the residents should be volunteering at our house.
You provide interaction with young people.
That's so important.
They love when you take a class, or just visit.
Oh, you should start with Mr.
Kibbenshaw.
Do you play racquetball, too? Racquetball? I didn't work my butt off for 50 years to chase a ball around like a golden retriever.
Everything here is go, do, and move, so my children don't feel bad about not visiting me.
(nervous chuckle) Every rose must have its thorn.
Hey, Kelly.
Hey, you want me to drop 'em by the swing dance class? They can meet the rest of the gang.
As long as you don't make 'em late for the food from around the world buffet.
It's true what they say.
Volunteering does make you feel good.
Sometimes I wish Mom and Dad had an extra kid.
One just in charge of laundry.
I think we are those extra kids.
There's no way I'm touching Beast's dirty underwear.
Because when he says they're dirty, you better believe him.
Well, I'm not touching Dad's work shirts.
Man sweat and minnows? Not a winning combination.
Mm-mm.
You think anyone would notice if we just buried all this in the backyard? You really want these clothes seeping into the groundwater? I don't wanna go to the mall.
It makes my tummy hurt.
I don't wanna go to the discount store.
It makes my tummy hurt.
Please.
That's straight from my playbook.
You got 20 minutes to dominate all the jungle gym-ers, so enjoy it.
Twenty minutes? Deathnee likes to know her victims first.
Everyone off the monkey bars right now! I've got limited time here.
Did you hear me? Move it or lose it.
Watching kids is exhausting.
Totally.
And I barely get paid for it.
Right? Nobody recognizes how hard it is to be a nanny.
That's why I formed a group.
- Oh, I'm not - Nannies For Nannies.
We take turns watching each other's kids while the rest of us go to the mall.
Interested? Count me in.
Us nannies have to stick together.
Nanny strong.
One question.
Exactly how long can I leave her? All day if you want.
You just have to babysit every fifth time.
I like those odds.
Anything we should know? Asthma, allergies? Oh, there's a lipstick that kinda makes my face You're talking about her.
Nah, she'll outlive us all.
I'm going to need five more minutes.
I'm about to expand my territory to the ladybug on the swing.
What if I said I found a way for you to stay at the park while I go to the mall? I'd say there's hope for you yet.
Gotta give it to you, Mom.
You're a mean paintball player.
Hey, you might've had a shot at me if Larry hadn't provided cover.
To be honest, I didn't think you'd shoot a senior citizen in the back.
Only because it felt wrong to shoot you in the face.
That's wrong? Oh, I better go apologize to Matilda.
Hello, Diazes.
I hope you're enjoying your day with us.
Are you kidding? A swing class, paintball, now an international buffet.
Do you guys do takeout? I didn't plan dinner.
It sounds like we'll be seeing you next Saturday.
Wait, it's over? It's only been wow, six hours.
I can't believe my mom and I had so much fun together.
The last time I had her to myself for six hours was when we both had sinus infections.
Way too much of our conversation was about the color of our snot.
Unless you wanna come back earlier.
Is tomorrow too soon? What time are you guys open? I don't know, we don't wanna overstay our welcome.
You already have.
But Mom, tomorrow is ice cream sundae Sunday.
Well, what kind of volunteers would we be if we let these people split their own bananas? Tomorrow it is.
Uh, guys.
What happened here? Or more importantly, what didn't happen? We did half of it.
The "never touched a butt" half.
Aw, you left the stinky butt stuff for me? You shouldn't have.
Well, there goes my day tomorrow.
But Mom, we're supposed to go back to Golden Horizons on Sunday.
They'll go bananas if we're not there.
Harley, I really think we're being selfish.
Heads up.
If you're going to scam your siblings, don't partner up with your mom.
Well, your mom maybe.
But mine, definitely not.
There go our golden horizons.
Why should we keep the joy of volunteering to ourselves? We'll stay home tomorrow, and let Ethan and Georgie tend to the elderly.
You better bring a change of clothes.
You're gonna get really dirty.
Dirty? How many bedpans are you scrubbing? I'd rather not say.
We wouldn't wanna rob you of the satisfaction of giving back to those who need it most.
Yeah, what kind of people would we be? Bad ones.
That's who.
We'll finish the laundry tomorrow.
Have fun.
Whoa! Did you see that? I had no idea she had those kind of moves.
Wow, I never thought my mom would be my partner in crime.
I also never thought I would say the phrase "Eat paint, old man!" Volunteering really broadens your horizons.
Ready to do some volunteering? It'll be a sacrifice, but it's for the seniors.
This whole volunteering thing really has paid off.
I know.
We even got to go to the butterfly sanctuary, and our family's banned from there.
I meant you and me.
I'm usually so busy keeping the Diaz train on the tracks, I barely get to spend any time at Harley's station.
To us giving back.
Cheers.
Now remember, I'm your nanny while you're here.
Stop speaking to me like a child.
I can play pretend.
Hi, Rachel.
Hey, Daphne.
Thanks for hangin' out with us today.
- You must really love your nanny.
- Almost like a sister.
I'm off to the mall, but you're in good hands with Natalie.
Um, Nanny.
My shoe's untied.
You can tie your own shoe.
But I need my nanny to do it.
Oh.
And here's my gum.
I want to save it for later.
Wow, she's a piece of work.
I'd love to see the family she came from.
Oh, they're all crazy.
After their first kid, everything went downhill.
ETHAN: That's everything.
Call Mom and tell her we're done.
And don't tell her about the things we put back dirty.
(ringtone chimes) Hello.
Hey, Mom, we're done with laundry.
No ifs, ands, and all the butts we didn't do the first time.
Anyway, when are you coming home? Could be a while.
We're in the middle of toenail clipping here.
Look, you've worked hard.
Why don't you guys relax, rent a movie.
You've been working your fingers to the bone.
So enjoy.
Nothing over 5.
99.
Bye.
Genius.
Not to sound braggy, but I couldn't have done better myself.
Hate to tell you, kid.
It's not my first time at the rodeo.
Oh, speaking of which, we should sign up for that trip to the rodeo.
Totally.
I'd say order a horror flick, but after that laundry pile, I don't think anything could scare me.
Finally.
GEORGIE: That's adorable.
Aw, she gave her her luffy.
We can't just sit here watching movies while Mom and Harley are changing lives.
- This feels so good.
- Mm.
Oh, push harder, Felicia.
Don't be afraid to bring the heat.
You people still here? Can't you just let me get old without trying to make it a happy experience? Even Mr.
Kibbenshaw can't kill this vibe.
(laughs) Nope.
Wow, you're right.
Volunteering is hard work.
Guys, great.
You came down.
We were just Just Uh, just trying out these new face bibs.
Face bibs? For feeding the elderly.
Through here.
They call it anti-dribble feeding.
Very technical.
Don't try and pull the face bib over our eyes.
You were getting massages.
In all fairness, we offered you the chance to volunteer.
In all fairness, you neglected to mention everything.
You guys are living the life.
At a retirement home, but still.
We want in.
You're right.
We shouldn't have kept this to ourselves.
Go check in with Kelly.
I'm sure they would love two more volunteers.
Well, that was fun while it lasted.
Should've known the Diaz Duo would come to an end.
- The what? - Diaz Duo.
It's our sneaky crime team name.
I was gonna make T-shirts that say that tomorrow, but guess there's no point now.
You know what? The Diaz Duo doesn't have to call it quits.
Georgie and Ethan left that pile of laundry for me yesterday.
Maybe they deserve a little payback.
Imagine if Georgie had to spend the afternoon with Mr.
Kibbenshaw.
So tell me a little bit about yourself.
Well, I don't like friendly people.
And I don't like nosy people asking me questions about myself.
And think about how Ethan's music will go over here.
Any requests? Anyone? Yeah, I got one.
Take a lesson! And believe me, they'll be outta here in no time.
Am I going too far? It is kind of sneaky.
I've never felt closer to you than I do right now! Hey, Nat, here's my little angel.
See you at 5:00.
Wait up.
It's your turn to watch the kids today.
What? No, it's not my turn for a couple of weeks, when I was probably gonna be sick.
Yeah, sorry, Carla got a tell-all book deal about her family and quit.
Newbies get subbed in first.
Here's my little angel.
See you at 5:00.
Please don't.
Don't leave me here.
These shoes aren't meant to walk on grass.
So what's the plan, Nanny? King me.
Your family is just the best.
Throwing Mr.
Kibbenshaw a birthday party this afternoon, that's huge.
- A party? - Us? How? Georgie said you would.
But you have to have a birthday party.
It's not every day someone turns 80.
My family will throw you one.
I hate birthday parties.
Well you know those kids you're always complaining about? It would make them have to drive all the way out here.
Making my kids suffer? You know how to sweet talk me.
And if you really want to torture them, I'll even get my brother to play guitar.
He's right there.
Darn Georgie and her big heart.
Now it is Mr.
Kibbenshaw's 80th birthday, so it needs to be really special.
Entertainment, a fancy cake, lunch for 20, taking into consideration all of our residents' dietary needs.
Glad I don't have to do it.
You know what? I'm thinking he is such a grump.
Maybe he wouldn't want a big to-do.
Yeah, Mr.
Kibbenshaw totally seems like a less-is-more kind of guy.
Like way less.
Like maybe just a card.
You know, for people who have been here so much, you'd think you'd want to go the extra mile for our residents.
Now if you don't, there are other places where you don't have to give so much.
Or get so much.
Or we could throw him a huge party at the park.
That'd be great.
Mr.
Kibbenshaw hasn't been outside since someone accidentally pulled the fire alarm.
Stripey shirt, get back here! Kid who took my shoe, give me back my shoe! Okay, everybody, we're gonna play a game.
It's called run.
Whoever runs to the end of the park and back first wins.
Run! Run until your tiny legs give out.
"Happy birthday, Keanu.
" Keanu Kibbenshaw.
Would not have guessed that.
I've never been a big fan of your family, but I hate this less than I thought I would.
If that's a compliment, we'll take it.
Look at us.
We volunteered here because we wanted to make a difference, and we just did.
Because of our family, Mr.
Kibbenshaw got a wonderful party.
Yeah, it feels good.
Yeah.
- Rachel! - Cake! (chuckling) Mr.
Kibbenshaw? I'm really sorry this happened.
I thought you'd be mad.
Mad? I have never laughed so hard in my life.
Watching your faces when y'all wiped out that cake and ruined my party.
(laughing) That's a memory I'll never forget.
When it comes to spoiling parties, that's when my family really shines.
I've got an idea for next week's activity.
How to remove common stains, like, say, frosting.
I don't think we'll be needing your family next week.
We're gonna switch our volunteer program to something a little easier.
Therapy dogs.
You are so grounded.
Let's think about this.
If you hadn't volunteered, I wouldn't have had to babysit.
So in a way, this is your fault.
You're right.
You're off the hook.
- Really? - No.
I just wanted you to see what it felt like when someone says crazy things to you.
I can't believe we've been replaced by dogs.
Yeah, that's insulting.
We threw a bad party.
No one had to pick up our poop.
We've had a fun few days.
We did a lot of cool stuff together.
Yeah, we had a good run.
Oh, well, looks like that's the end of us making bad pottery and good cupcakes.
Doesn't have to be.
We can bake cupcakes right here.
- Just the Diaz Duo.
- Really? Yeah.
It's not like we don't have a kitchen.
Oh, that's what's under all the dirty dishes.
Not for long.
Rachel needs a punishment.
No reason why we can't make that work to our advantage.
Wow.
When one scheme goes down, she jumps right into the next.
I guess Mom and I are a lot more alike than I thought.
Working the angles, taking big swings.
You want the slice with the footprints or the grass? And not afraid to get dirty.
Doesn't matter.
I'm gonna eat around it either way.
Wow, you guys are a mess.
Yep, you two are gonna have a lot more laundry to do.
- What?! - Us?! Yeah.
If you're gonna put clothes back dirty, rub 'em with a dryer sheet first, like I do.
(groans) And that takes care of Ethan and Georgie.
Mmm.
Good.
(laughing)