The Addams Family (1964) s02e11 Episode Script

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family Oh, it's a lovely night.
That looks wonderful, Gomez.
Yeah, all it needs is a final touch.
Absolutely breathtaking.
All right, Lurch, let's have it.
Thank you.
No damage.
Beautiful.
Beautiful! Querida, let's have a go at the tower.
Now, darling, that's Lurch's room.
Besides, you've had enough fun for one day.
Lurch can use the playroom.
We can both take turns with the wrecking ball.
Temperance, temperance.
Too much of a good thing Besides, I have all of these bills to get out.
Very well.
Thank you, Lurch.
Well, now.
Let's see.
Thank you.
Darling, our phone bill has been unusually high this month.
Have you been making any calls? Just to Saudi Arabia on that oil merger.
I dialed four or five times before I got the right number.
It's a bit expensive.
Oil merger? Abigail Adams and the rest of those Boston one-D Adamses are trying to block the deal.
In fact, they're trying to go to court to have me removed as executor to the family fortunes.
A financial wizard like you? Abigail's always fancied herself as the head of the Addams family.
Besides, she thinks I'm some kind of a nut.
You? Impossible.
She even tried to prove it in court once before.
Good thing the judge fell asleep.
Darling, if dear Abigail is as smart as she thinks she is, she'll drop this case.
After all, the family fortune couldn't be in better hands.
Could it? Never has the family been able to declare larger tax losses.
There, that proves your financial genius.
Tish, you just parlez vous.
Hey! Somebody say something about Abigail Adams dropping the case? Well, it sure don't look like it.
She's here in town.
- She is? - Yeah.
"Abigail Quincy Adams is in town on family business.
"It is assumed she will mix business with pleasure "by visiting her grandchildren.
" I didn't know she had grandchildren in this town.
Well, whosever grandmother she is, thank goodness she's not our little Pugsley and Wednesday's grandmother.
Actually, she's only a cousin by marriage.
Still, I do think we ought to pay our respects and invite her over.
Our worst enemy? I'm gonna faint! Quick! Water.
Thank you, Thing.
What's the matter with Fester? He heard Abigail Adams was in town.
I guess the shock was too much for him.
Better try my remedy.
It always ends his spells.
That felt good.
Do it again.
My turn.
No, no, no, Gomez, darling.
Now, put it down.
I want to find out what this is all about.
Morticia, Gomez just told you.
Abigail is out to get him.
- She has been shooting dirty pool.
- She has? Well, then, she's not welcome in this house.
Hold it.
That Abigail probably has got spies all over the place.
We better look around.
Can't be too careful.
The walls have ears.
Interesting thought.
Wednesday's in love, Wednesday's in love! Wednesday's in love! Now, you stop that, Pugsley.
It's not nice to tease your sister, darling.
Besides, she's been taking judo lessons.
- See what I mean? - Yes, sir.
By the way, has there been any phone calls for me? She means Robespierre Courtney.
She's even doing her hair different for him.
Yesterday she got so upset while waiting for his call that she let the trains run for 20 minutes without one crash.
Wednesday, you didn't.
Shocking waste of electricity.
We could have recharged Uncle Fester I'm sorry, Father, but you don't measure love with dollars.
That's a woman for you.
That's love.
I'm afraid it's unrequited.
Poor little Wednesday's so upset.
Oh, dear.
I'm sorry to hear that child's so unhappy.
I think I'll just go down to the cellar and wrestle with the alligator.
Mama We can't think of our own selfish pleasures now.
We must think of Wednesday.
You're right, Morticia.
The alligator can wait.
Now, we must get Wednesday together with Robespierre.
We've just got to get you together with Wednesday Addams.
But you said you didn't want me to have anything to do with those kooks.
That was before your mother found out the little girl was related to Abigail Quincy Adams.
It just so happens that Abigail Quincy Adams is one of the most socially prominent women in America.
Is that what you meant by riffraff? Mother was just trying to have her little joke.
You want Mother to be the president of her club, don't you? Why don't you spell it out for the kid? Your mother wants you to wangle us an invitation to the Addams family.
Then she can say she had tea with Abigail Quincy Adams and we can get our name in the society column.
You're impossible.
That makes us a perfect pair.
Hello? Yes, this is Mrs.
Courtney.
Morticia Addams? Tea? Yes, we'd be delighted.
Oh, of course I'll bring Robespierre.
And how is dear grandmother? Splendid.
Toodle-oo.
We're going to have tea with the Addams family! Hurray for our side.
Isn't that nice? She especially asked about you, Mama.
I always was the popular one in the family.
You know, I do think I'd better have a talk with Wednesday.
You know, woman to woman.
I can give her a few helpful hints.
Querida, you are to romance what Mama is to dignity and charm.
Darling.
Oh, that dress does do things for you.
Black is such a happy color.
Now, remember, my dear, in all your relationships with boys, you must be shy and modest.
Yes, Mother.
Poise and good manners are important, too.
For instance, when Robespierre comes, I think it would be proper for you to curtsy.
- Curtsy? - Yes, let's try it.
In this dress? I see what you mean.
Let's forget about the curtsy.
- Now, what are you going to talk about? - My spiders.
That's marvelous.
If the spiders don't get him, and being shy and modest doesn't get him, use the trap.
Good hunting.
Very becoming.
I like the style.
Still, dressing isn't everything when it comes to pleasing a young man.
A young lady has to know all the latest steps.
So, Thing, if you don't mind That's it! By george, I think you've got it! But, just in case the dance doesn't work, try this.
Very nice.
Very nice.
But there's just one thing that boys can't resist.
A nice long face.
Beautiful.
But just in case that doesn't work Good.
Good.
But you know what attracts a man most? - Money? - No.
Hair, a woman's hair.
See? And you're my type.
Perfect.
But just in case the hair doesn't work What's that? Love dust.
What advice do you have for me, Lurch? Oh, I love you.
Nothing like a bit of cricket to while away an hour or two.
Darling, are you sure this is the way it's played? Querida, I was the scourge of the fields of Eton.
I can hit the ball with my eyes shut.
Serve it up.
Yes, dear.
Oh, darling, I'm so sorry.
Nothing at all.
I did make contact.
That must be the Courtneys.
Let Lurch get them.
Once more, my dear.
The Courtneys.
Gomez Addams here.
How do you do? And this is my lovely wife, Morticia.
How do you do? I guess you folks go in for pop art.
Or something.
So, this is Wednesday's little friend Robespierre.
Oh, yes.
He certainly looks it.
I'll call Wednesday.
Wednesday, darling? Come along, dear, and say hello to your little friend.
Wednesday, what was that? Love dust.
Children today.
So precocious.
Would you children like to go out and play in the cave? No.
- In the swamp? - No.
Did you say cave? And swamp? It's not much, but room enough to romp.
Wednesday, darling, why don't you and Robespierre go and play with the trains? Would you like that, Robespierre? Well, all right.
Spirited little fellow you have there.
Please, come in.
Please, sit down.
I suppose you'd like to meet the rest of the family? After all, a child is a product of its environment.
Will you excuse us? Oh, Cousin Itt! Your cousin? He's up in the fireplace? Loves privacy.
Itt, are you there? He's there, all right.
Itt, please, come down.
There are some people here we want you to meet.
Mr.
And Mrs.
Courtney, this is our Cousin Itt.
Cousin what? Not What, Itt.
He always says the right thing.
Morticia, I can't get this thing tight enough.
Dear, you're so helpless.
This is the only thing that cures his headaches.
Fester, these are Robespierre's parents.
Oh, hi.
Who's Robespierre? He's the little tyke Wednesday's set her cap for.
Oh.
When's the wedding? Now, look, they're just children.
This is just a social call.
We've always admired Abigail Adams.
Abigail! Excuse us.
Honey, do you know a good divorce lawyer? Henry, rich people are all eccentric.
Nobody is that rich.
I know a spy when I see one.
He has the face of THRUSH.
And did you see all those pens in his pocket? Microphones.
Are you sure? Have I ever been wrong? Now don't answer that.
Now, Itt, you keep an eye out Well, you just stand guard.
Come on.
Watch.
Look, why don't we just say hello to Abigail Adams and get out of here? What's your hurry? Hey! Very interesting pens you have there.
Yeah.
Be more interesting especially if they had ink in them.
Oh, you You Oh, dear.
Don't worry.
We'll do something about the dress.
But you must admit, it does look better in a darker shade.
Now, go on, then.
Which one has the microphone? Microphone? Uncle Fester has an uncanny sense about these things.
Uncanny? Excuse us.
Eleanor, I want to be fair about this.
You may have custody of Robespierre.
What if Abigail calls all those witnesses and gets Gomez back in court again? Dear, that could be dangerous.
Cara, was Stonewall Addams afraid? When he led his troops into battle? When he flunked his physical.
I have it.
I shall win our friends over with a demonstration of the Gomez Addams financial wizardry.
Then can I shoot them in the back? There will be no violence.
Count me out.
Itt, I'll play you a game of solitaire in the chimney.
Come on.
Come, dear.
Querida, maybe we should let Fester take a shot.
He hasn't got very good aim.
Your way is the honorable way.
Courtney, how would you like to become rich? We only came here to meet Nonsense, Mr.
Courtney.
It's really quite painless.
And besides, it's the least we can do after ruining Mrs.
Courtney's dress.
Old man, you're buying yourself Yes, I have a private line to my broker.
- Blooker - Now, wait a minute.
I can't afford 10,000 shares of anything.
No problem.
We'll just have them pick up 1,000 for you.
My husband is so understanding.
I'm getting out of this booby trap.
Robespierre! Blooker, cancel that order.
My, but your husband's a jumpy one.
Robespierre.
Oh, Mr.
Courtney, I'm so glad you decided to stay.
Blooker, cancel that cancellation.
Lurch, put Mr.
Courtney in the good chair.
Blooker, buy 1,000 shares of Consolidated Lint and charge it to Henry Courtney.
C-O-U-R-T-N-E-Y.
Courtney.
Well, I'll give you all the details in the morning.
Yes, I'll hold on.
Please At 86, eh? Good work, Blooker.
Congratulations, old man, you're on the road to success.
I don't want 1,000 shares of Consolidated Lint.
Now, now, Mr.
Courtney.
A deal's a deal.
Let's see how you're doing.
Just as I thought.
Consolidated Lint, 86 and a half.
- 82.
- 82? Isn't this exciting? Sell, please sell.
Sell.
Too late.
62 and an eighth.
Excuse me, please.
Darling.
I'm not too sure, but I don't think Mr.
Courtney is very happy in Consolidated Lint.
Well, we can certainly take care of that.
I'll swing him into National Dust.
Blooker, sell Courtney's Consolidated Lint.
And pick up 1,000 shares of National Dust.
Please, you can thank me some other time.
- Good show, Blooker.
- Hurry, darling.
Let's see what it's doing.
Did it go up? By george, it's up eight and a half points.
- National Dust? - Consolidated Lint.
- Back to 70.
- What about National Dust? Down three.
Bad business, shifting horses in mid-stream.
I'm sure dear Abigail knows that as well as anyone.
Consolidated Lint.
Up to 75.
- Up to 80.
- And National Dust? Holding steadily at 54.
It pays to buy the better stock.
But it's not paying me.
If you make me stick to this deal, I'll be broke, bankrupt, penniless.
Nonsense, old man.
If you're a bit short, I'll take the deal off your hands.
- Oh, thank you.
- You're all even again.
- Thank you.
- Ever make a better deal than that? Oh, no, never.
Never.
Thank you, Mr.
Addams.
Easy come, easy go.
And now if we could just meet old Mrs.
Adams.
As soon as she's finished wrestling the alligator.
Wrestling the alligator? Ah, here she is.
Well, I finally beat that darn alligator.
Dear, Mr.
And Mrs.
Courtney have been dying to meet you.
She certainly photographs differently.
Do you really wrestle alligators? Oh, just once in a while.
She actually prefers kangaroos.
This is Abigail Quincy Adams? Certainly not.
I wouldn't have that woman in this house.
Robespierre! I'll have Lurch get your hat.
Oh, please get my hat.
The bell's out of order.
Well, think nothing of it.
You rang? The gentleman's hat, please, Lurch.
Robespierre! Did you call me, Mother? What have they done to you? First she made me blow up the train, and then she wanted to put me in the guillotine just because my name is Robespierre.
My husband is going to write a letter to the papers about this.
How can I? All my pens are broken.
Let's get out of here.
What's the matter with them? Soreheads.
Oh, poor Wednesday's going to be broken-hearted.
Where's Robespierre? Well, darling, I'm afraid you're going to have to forget about Robespierre.
Forget? I've already forgotten.
He wouldn't even play with Pugsley's octopus.
That just proves it.
He's not our type.
Poor boy.
But as you yourself say, darling, children are products of their environment.
Morticia! You called? Pugsley and I are ready.
Ah, good.
You're so thorough, Gomez.
So efficient, so precise.
You know me so well, querida.
Giving our congressman two ways to beautify America.
I like the swinging ball, but this may do the job better and faster.
- You ready, Pugsley? - Ready, sir.
To improve the American landscape.
Back to nature.
Beautiful, Gomez.
Beautiful! I'll have to speak to that newsboy.
I've told him we wanted the paper delivered through the back window.
Cara mia, look.
"Abigail Adams returning to Boston.
"Drops plans for fight over Addams Family fortune control.
" Now, isn't that nice? The Courtneys must have given us a good report.