The Beverly Hillbillies (1962) s02e11 Episode Script

Come and listen to my story about a man named Jed A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed And then one day, he was shooting at some food And up through the ground come a-bubbling crude Oil, that is Black gold Texas tea Well, the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there" Said, "Californy is the place you ought to be" So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly Hills, that is Swimming pools, movie stars.
Morning, Elly.
Morning, Pa.
Where's your granny? Out by the cement pond.
Elly May.
I'd like to strike up a bargain with you.
What's that, Pa? If they won't eat in my kitchen, I won't eat in their tree.
Well, it ain't their fault they're in here.
They'd a heap rather eat in the tree.
Then why ain't they? 'Cause Granny's making soap under it.
These poor little critters couldn't hardly stand it.
Yeah, Granny's lye soap a-cookin' does give off some right powerful fumes.
Miss Jane says it's commencing to kill Mrs.
Drysdale's hibiscus.
What's a hibiscus? Some kind of a flower plant.
Mrs.
Drysdale's got a prize one that sets right next to her patio.
The Drysdale place does set downwind of our pond, don't it? Yes, sir.
Well, I'll have to speak to Granny about cooking her soap someplace else.
You know, I've seen them fumes bring a full-growed mule right down to her knees.
Ravenswood, my pruning shears.
The nurseryman says it's a losing battle, madam.
Unless you can stop those noxious vapors being wafted from the Clampett" swimming area, your hibiscus will have to be taken out.
Go over and speak to them emphatically.
Help me up.
Begging your pardon, madam, but the last time I spoke emphatically, I was picked up and tossed into their pool.
Jethro? Granny.
Well! I'll not let them ruin my garden party this afternoon.
I shall speak to them myself.
Oh, good show, madam.
If I hear a splash, I shall come immediately.
Hey, Granny, some more of the bark off this tree just fell into your soap.
That's all right, Jethro, it'll dissolve.
Hey, have you noticed some of the branches is turning a mite brown and puckering up? Yeah, I reckon the bugs is after it.
Could it be your soap? Nah.
Bugs won't go near my soap.
Howdy, Mrs.
Drysdale.
What's the matter, honey, you got the sniffles? No, it's not that.
Granny, could I speak to you over there? Why, sure, honey, and don't you cry.
Whatever's troubling you, I'm here to help you.
Now, now, now.
Dry them tears and tell old Granny what's got you to bawling like that.
It's your soap.
Oh you can have all you want.
Feel better now? It's not that, it's the vapors.
Is it bad? Yes.
In fact, I've just heard dreadful news from my nurseryman.
What'd he say? He said unless you do something, he's going to have to take out my hibiscus.
No! No.
I'll help you.
Don't let them go to cutting on you.
Morning, Mrs.
Drysdale.
I'm right sorry about your hibiscus.
Jed, maybe she'd rather not talk about it in front of you.
Oh, no, that's all right.
I'm glad Mr.
Clampett is here.
As you know, your pool area practically adjoins my garden.
Yes, ma'am.
Well, I'm giving a garden party this afternoon about 3:00.
You will be through cooking soap and hanging wash by then, won't you? Oh, I can be, yeah.
Oh, please do.
The very best people in Beverly Hills will be there, and I I was hoping that you folks would cooperate.
Oh, we'd be glad to cooperate.
You betcha we will.
But even with our help, should you be giving a party with your ailing hibiscus? Oh, I, I shall rise above that.
Well, don't let 'em take it out.
I'll doctor it back to health for you.
Well, uh, thank you.
Uh, perhaps tomorrow.
Uh, now, remember, the party is from 3:00 until about 5:30, and I'll appreciate it if all of you will be as inconspicuous as possible.
Perhaps Jethro could drive you around in the truck.
Oh, no need to do that.
We can walk over to your place.
And we'll be on time, too.
3:00 sharp.
What?! Granny, this poor little critter just can't stand no more of your soap cooking.
Well, let him go some other place, then.
Take him over to your place for a while.
Mrs.
Drysdale.
Oh oh oh Oh, bye, Mrs.
Drysdale.
You want some hot soap to take home with you? Your soap's done, Granny.
It's commencing to thicken.
I'll put the fire out.
Thank you, Jed.
Now, Elly, get rid of that skunk and start taking down the clothes.
We got to all pitch in and help Mrs.
Drysdale with her party.
Is she having a party? She is, with our help.
Poor woman.
She has a ailing hibiscus.
I know; Miss Jane told me.
Hey, Granny, what's a hibiscus? Never mind; that's doctor's talk.
Well, we's been studying the human body over to school, but we ain't never studied that.
Course not; that's for grown-ups.
Now, get busy.
You know, Elly, it's a long time since I run into anyone with a ailing hibiscus.
It has? Yeah and a funny thing.
Not everybody has 'em in the same place.
Well, I reckon that's so.
Yeah.
Did Miss Jane happen to mention where Mrs.
Drysdale's is? Yes, ma'am, Granny, she says it's right next to her patio.
Yeah, that's where they generally is.
A right awkward place to poultice, too.
And I might add that the construction of high-rise buildings in the Beverly Hills area is a contributory factor in the financial upt Who let these tramps in? Get out of here! See here, you derelicts, you Mrs.
Drysdale.
Ravenswood.
What? Here, Milburn, have a skunk.
That's only a toy.
I was handed the real thing.
Margaret, what's the meaning of this masquerade? It's a graphic illustration of what will happen this afternoon, unless you do something about those hillbillies.
What do you mean? They're going to crash my formal garden party.
Oh, nonsense, they couldn't care less about that tea-sipping poodle pack you run with.
That's true.
They think they've been invited, and I warn you, Milburn, if they ruin my garden party Now, Margaret, Margaret, will you relax, dear? I'll solve this problem just as I've solved dozens of others.
Now, you and Ravenswood run along home and I'll handle everything.
All right? All right.
Sir.
And please take the freight elevator.
Tell me, Chief, just how do you plan to solve this problem? Just as I've solved dozens of others.
I'm turning it over to you.
Well, Elly May, now that we got your granny's soap out of the way, I reckon it's safe for your critters to get back in their tree.
Well, I'll tell 'em, Pa.
Wait, Jethro.
Don't take Granny's soap in there yet.
What's the matter with that girl? I ain't just for positive certain, but I got my suspects.
I was right.
Her and her critters.
Uncle Jed, it was getting so I couldn't even go swimming in the cement pond, there was so many of 'em.
But I fixed that.
What'd you do? Well, I seen this great big rubber alligator at the store, so's I up and bought him and put him in the cement pond.
There ain't been a critter near it since.
Yeah, them little fellers are right shy of gators.
Come on, come on, get away from here.
I got vittles to cook for Mrs.
Drysdale's garden party.
What's a garden party, Granny? Well, I ain't sure I know.
Do you, Jed? Yeah, I been studying on it some and I think I got it figured.
What you got figured? Well, when folks has a barn-raising party, everybody comes over and helps you build a barn.
When you have a quilting party, everybody gets together and makes a quilt.
So I reckon when you got a garden party, everybody comes over and makes a garden.
Hmm, that figures.
Jethro, you and me got to get the shovel and the spade and the tater fork all honed up nice and bright 'cause chances are these Beverly Hills society folks is going to show up with some fancy, shiny tools.
Come on.
Just a minute.
Just a doggone minute.
What's the matter? Well, when I wanted to plow up our front yard and make a garden, it was the Drysdales that said I hadn't ought to.
Now, how come they's making one? I think I got that figured.
What you got figured? I hear tell Mrs.
Drysdale is overpowering fond of flowers.
I reckon she wants to make a flower garden.
Hmm, yeah, that figures.
I reckon so.
Come on, Jethro, there's ground to be turned.
Yeah that figures.
How's this tater fork look, Uncle Jed? Give her a few more licks, Jethro.
Greetings, Mr.
Clampett.
And greetings to you, too, Jethro.
You're looking handsome as ever.
It looks as though you've decided to forgo Mrs.
Drysdale's party.
Oh, yes, ma'am, we's all four going.
No, no, no.
I mean it looks as though you are not going.
Oh, we wouldn't want to disappoint Mrs.
Drysdale.
She invited us special.
And she'll be glad she did when she sees me get going with this.
Ain't nobody can swing a fork like this young'un.
Jethro, I know how much you like food, but that is ridiculous.
Jed, while you're Oh, howdy, Miss Jane! Granny.
It's good to see you.
Jed, put a edge on this thing while I have a little private talk with Miss Jane.
Yeah, Granny.
Now, what is it, Granny? Well, I promised Mrs.
Drysdale that I would do my best to doctor her hibiscus.
Oh, that's wonderful of you.
I know she's terribly worried about it.
Yeah, the poor thing was crying the last time I seen her.
Tell me, just how bad is it? Well, I'd say it's about half gone.
No! Yes.
One side has withered and turned brown.
Oh, this is gonna take some doing to save that.
Yes, the nurseryman is in favor of just taking it out completely.
No, no, no! I told Mrs.
Drysdale that, don't let 'em do that.
Cutting something out is a last resort.
Well, I'm sure Mrs.
Drysdale agrees with you.
She wants desperately to save it.
She's had two blue ribbons on it.
Don't you tell her I told you, but that ain't gonna help nothing.
Here you are, Granny.
You can split a frog's hair with that.
Oh, thank you, Jed.
Come on out to the kitchen, Miss Jane.
I'm mincing me some crawdads for Mrs.
Drysdale's party.
Oh, no, no, no, wait.
That's what I want to talk to you about.
Please don't go.
What? What? And disappoint Mrs.
Drysdale? Just when she needs us? And we give our promise? Please believe me, you will not enjoy it.
Well, this is a poor time for us to be thinking of our own enjoyment, when you-know-who has got a withered you-know-what.
Uncle Jed, everything's honed and sharpened.
Howdy, Miss Jane.
Are you going to the party? No, Elly, and I hope none of you will go either.
What?! What?! What's got into you?! Now, hold on, everybody, I'll handle this.
Miss Jane, you know how fond we are of you.
You've been a good friend to us.
But I reckon the time has come when we got to do what we know is right, and we're going to that party.
All right, if you insist.
But you can't go to a garden party in those clothes.
Oh, of course not.
We're gonna put on our old clothes.
Old clothes?! Yes, ma'am.
You can't expect us to do gardening work in our good clothes.
But you don't garden at a formal garden party.
What do you do? You stand around and sip tea and listen to music and boring conversation.
Now, do you still insist upon going? All right, but first, will you do one thing for me? Chief, I would like you to meet a society family who are on their way to your wife's formal garden party.
Are you kidding? I've got no time for those professional tea tasters.
I think you're going to like these people.
Entrez.
Howdy, Mr.
Drysdale.
Jed Clampett.
Elly May Jethro? And Granny.
Can that be you? I ain't sure.
It don't look like me.
Miss Hathaway, how did you do it? Well, Chief, the fact that the bank held a mortgage on a certain movie studio was a great help.
Mr.
Drysdale, you coming to the party? Well, I don't ordinarily, but I will today.
Well, we'll see you there.
Bye.
So long.
Good-bye.
He don't act a bit worried about his wife's hibiscus.
He couldn't care less.
His wife's the one with the green thumb.
Oh, so that's where it is.
Oh, hello there, Millicent! So glad you could come.
Come on, Uncle Jed, the party's starting.
Hear that music? Yeah, but we got to wait for our womenfolks, Jethro.
How come they's late? Women is always late, Jethro.
Well, how come? No man can answer that.
Probably no women neither.
There sure is a lot of pretty girls over there at the party.
Can I sweet-talk me one, Uncle Jed? Chances are she'd be with a feller.
If I whupped the fella, can I sweet-talk her then? No, Jethro.
This being our first Beverly Hills high society garden party, I reckon we ought to just watch the folks and not go to scrappin'.
Unless, of course, everybody else does.
In which case, be careful of your borrowed clothes.
Yes, sir.
Pa? Elmer and me's ready.
Elly, I don't recall Elmer being invited to the party.
Well, can I take him, please, Pa? Well, I reckon not, Elly.
No fightin' or scrappin' neither.
Well, this party sure ain't gonna be much fun.
Oh, yes it is! I made sure of that! Remember now, Granny's rheumatiz medicine is just for old folks, with rheumatiz.
Or for not-so-old folks who want to ward it off.
Providing, of course, they's married.
Well, come on, everybody, let's load up and cut through the hedge and get to the party.
Bye, Elmer.
Dorothy! All the way from Santa Barbara! How lovely! Oh I beg your pardon, gentlemen.
Have we met? I hope to kiss a pig we have.
We's your next door neighbors.
My smelling salts! Looks like we got here in the nick of time.
She's looking a little peaked.
You just leave everything to us, honey.
All right, you young'uns, get them chitlins and that crawdad dip on the table over there.
Crawdad dip? It's finger-licki" good, ma'am.
And so is these little hot possum sausages, just a-swimmi" in hog renderings.
Don't burn yourself.
Anything tastes good after a few swigs of this.
Ravenswood, help! Granny always brings a couple of jugs to barn-raisings and quilting parties.
I've seen a jug of this raise a barn purty near single-handed! And it gets credit for some right crazy quilts, too.
Want me to put these on the table, Uncle Jed? Yeah, Jethro.
But, uh, pass the word around.
Nobody to touch it but married folks.
Now, what can we do to help you the most? How soon did she say the overflow would commence to overflowing over here? She didn't say no particular time, Jethro.
But when it commences, we's in charge of it.
I'll see how it's going over there.
My possum sausages will be stone cold! Granny, want me to take 'em in and put 'em on the stove for you for a spell? Thank you, Elly.
But be careful.
Don't splatter any hog renderings on your party dress.
I won't, Granny.
I don't blame them young'uns for getting restless.
I'm getting a mite squirmy myself.
Me, too.
Granny, I'd ask you to dance, but that is the sorriest dancing music I ever listened to.
Only one thing sorrier.
What's that? This stuff they call fruit punch.
It don't have much body to it.
Tastes like it was drawed off a barrel of rainwater that some apples dropped into.
Pitiful, pitiful.
Jed you know what that stuff needs, don't you? I sure do.
At least the overflow folks will get their whistle wet proper.
Uncle Jed.
Uncle Jed.
How's the party going, Jethro? Terrible.
Everybody's just standing around.
The only one moving is that fiddler player.
He's moving? Yeah, he keeps walking up to different people, playing in their faces.
And they still won't dance! Well, it ain't altogether their fault, Jethro.
He plays that thing like he's stove up with rheumatiz.
Uncle Jed, I'm getting tired of standing around in these here clothes.
Can I go swimming? Yeah, I reckon so, Jethro.
Granny and me will take care of the overflow.
Yee-hah! Judging from what's showed up so far, that alligator in the pond can handle 'em.
Alligator! Granny, that ain't no Granny! Thought I seen that varmint this morning, but I wasn't sure! Granny! Granny, that ain't no real live alligator.
It ain't now! I blowed a hole in him you could swim a catfish through! Granny, I reckon it's a mite late to be telling you now, but - Hey! Hey, what happened? Everybody all right? Howdy, young feller.
Uh, my name is Jed Clampett.
Curt Massey.
And this here's Granny.
Howdy! How do you do? Say, we been listening to you sawin' on that thing.
Uh, kind of sluggish, ain't it? Well, that's what they want over there.
Well, it ain't what we want over here! Now, come on.
We got the overflow here.
Come on, let's liven things up a little bit.
May I have some of the punch first? I recommend it.
Come on, everybody, get some punch.
Here comes the hot sausages.
This here's my daughter Elly May.
And that young fella carrying the sausages is my nephew Jethro.
Well, howdy.
Wow! Hey, Fred! Howdy.
Wow-wee! Hey, Doris! Hey, fellas! Hey, Granny, hurry up with the possum sausages.
And we need more crawdad dip, too.
A hundred more people just come through the hedge! Ravenswood, did you find anyone in the house? No, madam, it's as deserted as the garden.
Oh, dear.
Um, madam, might I have the rest of the afternoon off? What? Oh, uh, yes, I suppose so.
Oh, thank you, madam.
The party over so soon? It's only 4:30.
Those dreadful hillbillies have stolen all my guests All 300 of them! Milburn! Yee-hah! Why, I say, this is ripping, you know! Mrs.
Drysdale, can I see you for a minute? Make way for the hot possum sausages! Be careful of her hibiscus, Jed.
Dandy party, Mrs.
Drysdale.
Thank you, Mr.
Clampett.
Well, now it's time to say good-bye To Jed and all his kin And they would like to thank you folks For kindly droppin' in You're all invited back next week to this locality To have a heapin' helpin' of their hospitality Hillbilly, that is Set a spell Take your shoes off Y'all come back now, y'hear? This has been a Filmways Presentation.