The Cosby Show s02e11 Episode Script

A-T-E.
COME ON, RUDY.
OKAY.
COME ON, COME ON.
OKAY.
THAT'S IT.
TANGIBILITY.
TANGIBILITY.
T-A-N-G-I-B-I-L-I-T-Y.
TANGIBILITY.
YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS? NO, I JUST HAVE TO SPELL IT.
VANESSA, WHAT DOES Q-N-G-H SPELL? NOTHING.
GIVE ME ANOTHER WORD.
WHAT DOES Z-R-B-T-T SPELL? NOTHING! HOW COME WHEN YOU SPELL IT'S A WORD AND WHEN I SPELL IT'S NOTHING? HEY.
DAD, I'M STUDYING VERY HARD FOR THE SPELLING TEST AND SHE KEEPS ASKING DUMB QUESTIONS.
I DON'T THINK ANYBODY ASKS DUMB QUESTIONS.
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? WHAT DOES Z-R-B-T-T SPELL? Z-R-B-T-T SPELL? UH THAT'S ZURBITT.
ZURBITT, UH YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK A ZURBITT IS? I JUST REMEMBERED.
A ZURBITT IS THIS.
( SPUTTERING SOUND ) THAT'S A ZURBITT.
YEAH.
( SPUTTER ) THAT'S RIGHT.
I ZURBITT YOU.
( SPUTTER ) I ZURBITT YOU.
( LOUD SPUTTER ) TV ANNOUNCER: BESIDES ALTERNATING YOUR ROUTINE HI.
HI, DEAR.
HOW WAS YOUR DAY? IT WAS EXCELLENT.
I WAS GOING OVER MY CALENDAR TODAY AND GUESS WHAT I DISCOVERED.
WHAT'S THAT? TOMORROW IS THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE DAY THAT YOU PROPOSED TO ME.
OH UH, THE WHAT? THE ANNIVERSARY OF THE DAY YOU PROPOSED TO ME.
I PROPOSED SEVERAL TIMES.
I'M NOT COUNTING THE TIMES BEFORE YOU WERE 15.
I MEAN AT THE LAKE WHEN YOU PUT THE RING ON MY FINGER.
THAT WAS SPECIAL.
YES.
AND SO, TO COMMEMORATE THAT SPECIAL EVENT TOMORROW NIGHT YOU AND I ARE DINING BY CANDLELIGHT AT THE GOLDEN DOVE.
MY WIFE IS TAKING ME OUT TO DINNER? YES.
WHO-O-O-O-HO.
TO THE GOLDEN DOVE? YES.
WH-O-O-O! THEN THE TWO OF US SHOULD BE DRESSED IN THE FINEST OF THE FINEST AND THAT RESTAURANT WILL NEVER HAVE SEEN TWO SUCH BEAUTIFUL CREATURES IN THEIR LIVES.
DON'T WORRY, I'LL BE GORGEOUS.
OH AND I WILL BE GORGEOUS-ER THAN YOU.
I AM GOING TO STOP THE PEOPLE IN THEIR TRACKS.
HA-HA! AND I WILL BE LOOKING SO GOOD THAT THE MAN WILL PUT ME AT A TABLE IN THE CENTER OF THE RESTAURANT BY MYSELF AND PUT THE SPOTLIGHT ON ME! WHOO! YES, BUT WHEN THE PEOPLE LOOK, THEY'RE GOING TO SAY: "WHO IS THAT SMOOTH, GORGEOUS WOMAN SITTING NEXT TO THAT PITIFUL MAN IN THE SPOTLIGHT?" ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU ARE GOING TO LOOK SMOOTHER THAN ME? THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.
HA! YOU LIE THROUGH YOUR FACE.
YOU WISH! WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE A "SMOOTH" CONTEST? YOU ARE CHALLENGING ME TO A "SMOOTH" CONTEST? WE'LL GET DRESSED, COME DOWN AND WE'LL BE JUDGED TO SEE WHO IS THE SMOOTHEST? BY WHOM? BY OUR CHILDREN.
YOU'RE ON.
ONE THING: YOU CAN ONLY WEAR WHAT IS IN YOUR CLOSET.
YOU CANNOT GO OUT SHOPPING FOR SOMETHING NEW.
EXCEPT FOR SHOES.
YOU THINK THEY'LL WIN FOR YOU? THESE SHOES ARE SO SMOOTH THEY COULD WALK DOWN THESE STAIRS AND WIN THE CONTEST ON THEIR OWN.
YES! CLIFF, GET OUT.
I CAME FOR THE REMOTE.
WHY CAN'T YOU TURN ON THE TELEVISION BY YOURSELF? I DON'T WANT TO WALK TO THE TV.
YOU WOULD RATHER WALK ALL THE WAY UP HERE? I WALKED UP HERE BECAUSE MY REMOTE IS UP HERE AND A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
WITH HER NEW SHOES.
GET OUT.
THIS IS MY BEDROOM, TOO.
YOU SHOULDN'T SEE HOW SMOOTH THE COMPETITION IS.
YOU'LL GET YOUR FEELINGS HURT AND GIVE UP.
OH! CLIFF! WHAT'S THE MATTER? I JUST BANGED MY FOOT ON THAT CHEST! LET ME OW! DEAR, I DIDN'T TOUCH IT.
WHAT DID YOU HIT? I HIT THAT TOE NEXT TO THE LITTLE ONE.
BRING IT DOWN HERE, OKAY? NOW JUST ( WHIMPER ) COME ON, NOW.
PUT IT DOWN.
OKAY, NOW DEAR COME ON.
COME ON, LOOK.
THIS WON'T HURT.
* BOOP-EE-DOO-BE-DOO BE-DOOP-EE-DOOP * OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, NOW JUST WIGGLE IT.
COME ON, WIGGLE IT.
I AM WIGGLING IT.
NO, I MEAN MOVE IT.
CLIFF, I'M MOVING IT! DON'T GET MAD AT ME.
IT'S NOT YOU.
I'M MAD AT ME AND THAT STUPID CHEST! EVERYTHING IS FINE.
YOU SURE? YEAH.
I'LL PUT ICE ON IT AND I'LL BE FI.
.
! DEAR, YOU'RE NOT ALL RIGHT.
I'M FINE.
YOU'RE GOING TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.
THIS IS NOT AN EMERGENCY.
OKAY, WALK.
YOU'RE GOING TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.
NO.
SUPPOSE THEY TELL ME IT'S BROKEN.
IF NOBODY EVER TELLS YOU IT'S BROKEN AND IT IS BROKEN HOW WILL YOU KNOW IT'S BROKEN? THIS WOULD BE MUCH EASIER IF YOU HAD THE CANE, DEAR.
I DON'T NEED IT.
THANK YOU.
OKAY.
I'LL HELP YOU WITH YOUR COAT.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
I CAN GET MY COAT OFF BY MYSELF! I SEE.
OKAY.
WHERE WHERE ARE WE GOING NOW, DEAR? TO THE COUCH.
OKAY.
JUST LET ME KNOW.
MOM, ARE YOU OKAY? YES! IS IT BROKEN? YUP, IT'S BROKEN! SNAPPO! KEEP THAT THING ELEVATED.
GET THE PILLOW FOR YOUR MOTHER'S FOOT.
I CAN GET MY PILLOW FOR MYSELF, THEO.
OH, BOY.
WHEW! LISTEN.
YOU WANT TO SEE PICTURES OF YOUR MOTHER'S FOOT? YOU HAVE TO DO THAT NOW? WELL, SURE.
IT'S EDUCATIONAL.
COME HERE.
THIS IS WHAT YOUR MOTHER'S FOOT LOOKS LIKE WITH THE SKIN OFF.
CLIFF! LOOK RIGHT HERE.
SEE THAT? WAIT A MINUTE.
THAT LOOKS LIKE A HAIR.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THIS IS CALLED A HAIRLINE FRACTURE OF THE PROXIMAL PHALANX OF THE FOURTH TOE.
UNDERSTAND THAT? THAT'S COOL.
ALL RIGHT, IT IS.
TAKE MY FOOT SOMEPLACE ELSE AND LEAVE ME ALONE.
OKAY.
WANT TO SHOW IT TO YOUR FRIENDS AT SCHOOL? CLIFF! MOM, DON'T WORRY.
WE'LL ALL HELP OUT.
THANK YOU, BUT I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP.
THIS IS REALLY DUMB.
DEAR, DEAR WHERE ARE YOU GOING? UPSTAIRS TO SEE THE KIDS AND TO LOOK OVER A BRIEF FOR TOMORROW.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WORK.
NOT ANOTHER WORD ABOUT THIS.
I'M GOING TO WORK TOMORROW AND TO DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT AND I AM GOING TO WIN THE "SMOOTH" CONTEST.
AT LEAST TAKE THE CANE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH! OKAY.
OKAY? YEAH, BUT YOU GOT IT IN THE WRONG HAND.
THIS TOE IS BROKEN.
WHY WOULD I PUT THE CANE IN THIS HAND? BECAUSE YOU DON'T WALK LIKE THAT.
WHEN PEOPLE WALK THEY GO THIS FOOT, THIS HAND THIS FOOT, THIS HAND.
IF YOU KEEP IT IN THIS HAND HERE-- I'M SORRY-- IF YOU DO LIKE THIS YOU'LL WALK LIKE THIS-- "THE WALK OF THE DRUNKEN MUMMY.
" SO PUT IT IN THAT HAND.
WHEN YOU PUT THAT FOOT DOWN THIS COMES DOWN WITH IT.
BOOM-- THAT'S YOUR SUPPORT.
BOOM.
THERE YOU GO! NOW YOU'RE COOKING.
ALL RIGHT.
GO AHEAD.
I AM NOT GOING TO USE THAT CANE.
I'M GOING TO GO UP THESE STAIRS BY MYSELF! MR.
BARKER.
HELLO.
MS.
KESSLER WILL BE JOINING US SHORTLY.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FOOT? WELL, I BROKE MY TOE.
HOW DID YOU DO THAT? I BANGED IT AGAINST A CHEST.
I'M SORRY.
ARE YOU OKAY? I'M FINE.
WON'T YOU SIT DOWN? WITH THE TRIAL NEXT WEEK, WE SHOULD REVIEW YOUR CASE.
I BROKE MY TOE LAST SUMMER.
TRIPPED ON A SPRINKLER HEAD.
I WAS IN AGONY.
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
YOU KNOW WHAT MADE ME MAD? THEY SAID IT WOULD HEAL IN TWO WEEKS.
IT TOOK NINE WEEKS.
REALLY? WHAT DID THEY TELL YOU? TWO WEEKS.
MINE STILL HURTS.
ON RAINY DAYS IT THROBS LIKE SOMEBODY'S HITTING IT WITH A HAMMER.
MR.
BARKER, WE SHOULD GET STARTED HERE.
CERTAINLY.
NOW, ON THE 15TH OF OCTOBER HELLO, MR.
BARKER.
HELLO, MS.
KESSLER.
CLAIR.
HI, CARLA.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FOOT? SHE BROKE HER TOE.
HOW? RAN INTO A CHEST.
OH! CLAIR, THAT'S AWFUL! IT'S NOT THAT BAD.
REALLY, IT'S JUST A SLIGHT FRACTURE.
THEY SAID IT WOULD HEAL IN TWO WEEKS.
I SAY NINE.
MY COUSIN BROKE HER TOE.
IT TOOK EIGHTEEN WEEKS.
EIGHTEEN? THAT'S TERRIBLE.
SHE WAS GROCERY SHOPPING WITH HER HUSBAND.
SHE STOPPED AT THE CANNED VEGETABLES.
HE RAMMED INTO HER WITH A SHOPPING CART.
NO! YES! DROPPED A 16-OUNCE CAN OF GREEN BEANS ON IT.
SHE STILL HASN'T GOTTEN ALL THE FEELING BACK.
MINE STILL GETS NUMB OCCASIONALLY.
YOU BROKE YOUR TOE? YEAH, LAST SUMMER.
NEVER HEALED RIGHT.
IT'S STILL CROOKED.
MY COUSIN'S ISN'T CROOKED BUT IT'S TURNED UP AT THE END LIKE THIS.
MR.
BARKER AND I WERE BEGINNING TO REVIEW HIS CASE.
WILL THIS TOE BE A PROBLEM IN COURT? NO, I CAN WALK.
I'LL COVER FOR YOU.
NOPE, I WANT MRS.
HUXTABLE IN THAT COURTROOM.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONFIDENCE.
IF YOU ASK ME, THAT TOE'S OUR TICKET.
I BEG YOUR PARDON? WHEN THE JURY SEES YOU HOBBLING AROUND FORGET ABOUT IT-- THEY'RE YOURS.
PLAY INTO IT.
LET THEM KNOW IT REALLY HURTS.
MAYBE WE SHOULD WRAP YOUR FOOT.
EXCUSE ME, MRS.
HUXTABLE.
HERE ARE THE PAPERS YOU WANTED.
THANK YOU.
WHAT HAPPENED? I BROKE MY TOE.
I BET YOU KNOW SOMEBODY WHO BROKE THEIR TOE.
YES.
ME.
HOW SOON DID IT HEAL? TEN DAYS.
YAY! FOR YOUR INFORMATION, THEY FIT JUST FINE.
PUT IT ON.
I'LL PUT IT ON WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT.
( CHUCKLING ) WHAT DO YOU WANT? WELL I DON'T WANT YOU TO HAVE ANY PAIN SO, KNOWING THAT YOU ARE NOT GOING TO USE THE CANE I BOUGHT YOU THESE.
AND THEY'RE UGLY.
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT ALL OF THE FASHIONABLE WOMEN IN PARIS WHO HAVE BROKEN TOES WEAR THESE.
THEY'LL RUIN THE LOOK OF MY ENTIRE OUTFIT.
WELL, DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.
DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE TO ME BUT THESE ARE HERE IF YOU EVER NEED THEM, OKAY? IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE WHAT YOUR LITTLE FEET LOOK LIKE.
YOU'LL LOSE THE CONTEST ANYWAY.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
YOU'LL WANT TO KISS ME SOMETIME LATER.
THEY'RE UGLY.
( KNOCKING ) YES? WHO IS IT? IT'S RUSSELL.
CAN I COME IN? OF COURSE YOU CAN COME IN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? OH, I HEARD ABOUT YOUR BROKEN TOE SO I BROUGHT YOU THIS.
OH, IT'S VERY LOVELY.
IT MIGHT COME IN HANDY.
THAT'S VERY THOUGHTFUL OF YOU.
IT BELONGED TO MY FATHER.
HE GOT IT WHEN HE WAS WORKING ON THE RAILROAD.
ONE DAY AT THE TRAIN STATION IN SCHENECTADY A PULLMAN CAR CAME UNHOOKED AND STARTED ROLLING BACKWARDS.
MY FATHER SAW A SMALL CHILD WALKING ON THE TRACK.
HE RAN OVER AND SNATCHED HIM AWAY IN THE NICK OF TIME.
WHEN HE DID IT HE TWISTED HIS KNEE.
THE CHILD'S PARENTS WERE SO GRATEFUL THEY GAVE MY FATHER THIS CANE.
IT'S FROM KENYA.
HAND-CARVED.
HE MUST HAVE BEEN PROUD.
HE LOVED WALKING WITH THIS CANE BECAUSE PEOPLE ASKED HIM ABOUT HIS INJURY.
DAD SAID HE DIDN'T LIKE THE ATTENTION, BUT HE DID.
NOT LIKE SOME OTHER PEOPLE THAT ARE THE OPPOSITE.
THEY WANT TO PRETEND NOTHING HAPPENED.
THEY WANT TO KEEP DOING WHAT THEY ALWAYS DO.
WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS SOMETIMES YOU NEED SOME HELP.
YOU NEED TO LEAN ON SOMEONE OR SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW, SUPPORT CAN BE A BEAUTIFUL THING.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
IT'S VERY NICE.
I'D BE PROUD TO USE YOUR FATHER'S CANE.
WHEW! LOOK AT THAT.
IT DOES MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.
YOU GOT HER TO USE THE CANE? SURE DID.
I'VE TRIED TO PERSUADE HER FOR TWO DAYS AND IT TAKES YOU TWO MINUTES.
HOW DID YOU DO IT? CHARM, SON.
HOW DID YOU DO IT? I SAID IT WAS MY FATHER'S.
THE STORY EVEN HAD A CHILD AND A TRAIN.
WHERE DID YOU REALLY GET IT FROM? I GOT IT FROM AN AFRICAN STORE ON FLATBUSH AVENUE.
IT WAS ON SALE.
I'LL BUY YOU A GRAPEFRUIT JUICE.
COME ON.
THEO: CALLING ALL JUDGES! JUDGES, COME ON.
THE CONTESTANTS ARE READY AND THE SMOOTH CONTEST SHALL BEGIN.
GRANDPA, ARE YOU VOTING? NO, I LEARNED LONG AGO TO STAY OUT OF FAMILY AFFAIRS.
(* SMOOTH JAZZ *) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN CONTESTANT NUMBER ONE-- DR.
HEATHCLIFF HUXTABLE.
(* SMOOTH JAZZ *) NO FLOURISHING, DAD.
THAT WAS A TURN.
A TURN WITH RAISED ARMS IS A FLOURISH.
JUDGES, NO POINTS FOR THE FLOURISH.
SINCE WE'RE TALKING ABOUT POINTS I WANT TO BRING UP WALKING.
I WANT THE JUDGES TO NOTICE WALKING WHEN THEY'RE VIEWING THE NEXT CONTESTANT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO-- MRS.
CLAIR HUXTABLE.
(* SMOOTH JAZZ *) FLOURISH.
DAD, LOOK THAT WAS A TURN.
OKAY, WHAT ABOUT THE BROWN PAPER BAG? THAT'S UGLY! NOW, POINTS FOR UGLY FOR BROWN PAPER BAG.
HAH! ( CHEERING ) WILL THE CONTESTANTS PLEASE LINE UP FOR THE JUDGING? NOW, JUDGES YOUR APPLAUSE WILL DETERMINE THE WINNER.
WE HAVE CONTESTANT NUMBER ONE.
YAY! WALKING! LOOK AT THOSE SHOES! LOOK AT THOSE SHOES! AND CONTESTANT NUMBER TWO.
YAY!! OKAY.
YES, YES.
THE WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION.
MRS.
CLAIR HUXTABLE.
( CHEERING ) AND AND FOR THE WINNER OF THE SMOOTH CONTEST A LOVELY WRIST CORSAGE.
IF I HAD WON THIS IS WHAT YOU WERE GOING TO PUT ON ME? CLIFF, WE'RE GOING TO BE LATE FOR DINNER.
THE ONLY REASON I'M GOING WITH YOU IS BECAUSE YOU'RE PAYING FOR THE DINNER.
YOU KNOW WHAT? IT WAS THE CANE THAT DID IT.
YOU LIKE THIS? THIS WAS YOUR GREAT-GRANDFATHER'S.
HE TWISTED HIS KNEE SAVING A CHILD FROM AN ONCOMING TRAIN.
THE PARENTS WERE SO GRATEFUL THEY BOUGHT HIM THIS HAND-CARVED CANE THAT WAS MADE IN HONG KONG?! LET'S GO TO DINNER.
HAVE A GOOD TIME.
WHAT A PERFECT EVENING.
EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT-- THE MUSIC, THE FOOD, AND THE COMPANY.
YES, INDEED.
YOU KNOW WHAT I ESPECIALLY LIKED? WHAT? I ESPECIALLY ENJOYED THE PART WHERE THEY CAME TO ME WITH THE CHECK PUT IT IN FRONT OF ME AND MY WIFE SAID "I'M SORRY, DARLING, BUT THE CHECK GOES HERE.
" THANK YOU.
DID YOU NOTICE THE WAY EVERYBODY STARED AT US WHEN WE DANCED? IT'S BECAUSE THEY HAD NEVER SEEN PEOPLE SIT AT A TABLE AND DANCE BEFORE.
WE ARE THE WORLD'S SMOOTHEST TABLE DANCERS.
THAT IS CORRECT.
THE PEOPLE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT WE WERE THE GREATEST AND EVEN SOME OF THEM TRIED TO TABLE DANCE.
(* DANCE MUSIC *) ( CONTENTED SIGH ) AND NOW THAT THAT IS OVER I THINK, DEAR IT'S TIME TO TALK ABOUT THE MATTER OF MY APOLOGY.
WHY ARE YOU APOLOGIZING TO ME? NO.
YOU HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO ME.
FOR WHAT? BECAUSE YOU ARE A PAIN.
WHEN? FOR THE LAST TWO DAYS.
YOU WOULDN'T USE YOUR CANE.
YOU HOPPED UP THE STEPS.
YOU STUCK YOUR TONGUE OUT AT ME.
I SAID, "DON'T GO TO WORK.
" YOU YELLED AT ME! YOU OWE ME AN APOLOGY.
OH, CLIFF.
YOU DO.
YOU GOT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL LITTLE TURTLE-BROWN EYES.
YOU OWE ME AN APOLOGY.
THOSE FLECKS OF GRAY IN YOUR HAIR MAKE YOU LOOK SO DISTINGUISHED AND HANDSOME.
YOU OWE ME AN APOLOGY.
I LOVE YOUR EARS-- ESPECIALLY THIS ONE OVER HERE.
YOU OWE ME AN APOLOGY.
WHEN I SEE THAT LITTLE SPOT RIGHT THERE I WANT TO NIBBLE ON IT.
OH UH CLIFF? MM-HMM? I'M SORRY.
DO YOU REMEMBER THE DIP? YES.
MM-HMM.
(* DANCE MUSIC *)