The Drew Carey Show (1995) s02e11 Episode Script

Look, uh, you guys
are the best Christmas elves
Winfred-Louder ever had,
but I can't afford to pay you
more than ten bucks an hour
this year. I'm really sorry.
- Hey, it's $15, or we walk.
- I'm tryin' to be fair here.
I mean, who gets you guys
benefits, who gets you
off-season work?
And here you are..
Tryin' to cut me off
at the knees.
I-I didn't mean it that way
and you know it.
Yeah, I know it, Drew,
and I'm sure that
management's not just tryin'
to get fat.
Oh, I didn't mean it that way,
and you know it.
Look, how about 11 bucks
an hour? But you have to know.
That means I'm screwing over
the Easter Bunny.
Yeah,
like he brings in the kids.
Wow, 11 bucks an hour,
we'll do it for that.
- Yeah.
- Hey, look, giraffe boy.
The job description says elf.
Now, metal midget,
that's another story.
Hey.
Hold on, there's no problem
here, my friends
aren't competing for your jobs.
I mean, look at 'em.
Oh. Now you're just being
a hate-ist.
Yup. That's me.
Okay, guys, we got it, let's go.
Hey, wait a minute,
where are you going?
I told Sox to call if they
meet our price of 15 an hour.
And I'm hoping
they'll pay us under the table.
Shut up.
- Well, well, well..
- Ha-ha-ha.
Suddenly we don't look so tall,
huh, Drew?
Man, I need somebody right away.
Uh, we could use
the extra Christmas cash.
- What do you say?
- What, are you serious?
- Okay, you got the jobs.
- Hey! Hey!
- There's just one catch.
- Whoa!
It looks like
we're gonna be sexy elves.
[Vogues singing
"Five O'clock World"]
Up every mornin'
just to keep a job ♪
I gotta fight my way
through the hustling mob ♪
Sounds of the city
poundin' in my brain ♪
While another day
goes down the drain ♪
Yeah yeah yeah ♪
But it's a 5 o'clock world ♪
When the whistle blows
no one owns a piece of my time ♪
And there's a 5 o'clock me
inside my clothes ♪
Thinkin' that the world
looks fine yeah ♪
Holiday ee-ee yeah ♪
Hey hey hey ♪
Hey ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[sighs]
[sighs]
Something wrong, sir?
Tell me something, Carey,
what are some of the more
imaginative ways
I've fired people?
Well, the price is right
or you're fired is pretty novel.
And who can ever forget the
famous half-time show you put on
for the guy who called in sick
from the Ohio State game?
Two four six eight
who be livin' off the steak? ♪
It's you it's you it's you ♪♪
[laughs]
Better days, Carey, better days.
I haven't told anyone this,
but I went to fire Hutchison
this morning, and I just
didn't have the old stuff.
- You mean you didn't fire him?
- Oh..
[chuckles]
Don't get me wrong,
I fired him, alright
but, but afterwards
I didn't run over to the window
and enjoy the inevitable temper
tantrum in the parking lot.
I just sat there
cradling my water balloon
thinking, "What's the point?"
Well, it's funny you should
bring that up now, sir, because
I've come up with a system
for downsizing
that's less random and more
humane. See, here's what we do.
We take the employee's
number of days missed
multiply it by the number of
days late, divided by seniority
plus the number
of customer complaints.
Okay, use your formula to reduce
the work force by three percent.
Or it's back
to the finger of fate.
Can we factor in stupid glasses
and see who that knocks out?
Why, Bobeck, sometimes
you're just plain evil.
Why, thank you, sir.
Here's a question
I don't want an answer to.
Were you just flirting with him?
Bite me, giant drummer boy.
Oh, by the way,
here's your invitation
to the office Christmas party.
Thanks. Who are you bringin'?
I'll pause here
for your dignity.
Don't worry about me.
I got my eye on somebody.
Who is your date?
Puttin' a skirt on your dog?
You know, you really know
how to hurt a guy, Mimi.
You know, you're tappin'
into a lot of pain
and vulnerability here.
No-no-no-no no-no-no-no
no-no-no-no ♪♪
No, no, I'm serious.
I'm not settin' you up.
I'm all alone for the holidays.
It's really bringin' me down.
Oh, knock it off.
Nobody is believing you.
Ooh, bo-hoo-hoo.
[pops]
Goes the weasel ♪♪
- Hey, good-lookin'.
- Hey, Drew.
Actually,
I was talking to the cake.
"Congratulations, Lisa."
Hard to believe
she's gettin' married, huh?
I guess some couples
are just meant to be, I guess.
Wow, Drew,
I'm really proud of you.
I mean, throwing Lisa
a wedding shower, for God's sake
that's really classy.
Well, I'm glad
she's gettin' married.
I mean, she's no
spring chicken anymore.
What is she, 70?
Drew, who are we talkin' about?
Lisa, in appliances.
No, the person
that's getting married is Lisa.
Lisa, your ex-girlfriend.
- Li-Lisa? My Lisa?
- Oh, oh, my God.
Drew, I-I thought you knew.
You're not still
attached to her, are you?
No, I'm-I'm not attached
to my Lisa at all.
Oh, oh, man. Just get out
of here. I'll handle this.
I sure could use a friend
right now.
Drew, leave the cake.
Lisa, there you are.
- Congratulations.
- Oh, thanks. Come here, Drew.
Listen, I-I just wanna tell you,
I'm-I'm really touched.
You know,
if the tables were turned
and you were gettin' married
I don't know if I could be
so cool about it.
And here you are,
throwing me and Trent a party.
Trent? You're marrying Trent
in men's furnishings?
That's what I said
when I first heard about it.
Here I am still singin' it.
Hey, let's open my gifts.
Oh, look, you guys,
this one's from Drew.
Uh, I think I got you the wrong
size. Lemme just take that back.
Don't be silly, Drew.
You know my size.
Okay.
"Though things may be sagging
"and your sex drive is lagging
I'll still be bragging
what a hot number you were."
Come on. I wouldn't be that
insensitive. I got it for her.
[instrumental music]
(Drew)
'I can't believe
Lisa's gettin' married'
'only three months after
we broke up.'
How could that happen so fast?
Buddy, take it from me.
The best thing to do is just
to wish her well and move on.
Like the time you tried
to run over
your ex-boyfriend's new
girlfriend?
Hey, if she didn't wanna get
hit, she wouldn't have been
weaving all over
her front lawn like that.
- Uh, hey, guys.
- Hey.
[door shuts]
[chuckles]
You guys look worn out.
Well, that damn Santa
has been ridin' us all day.
You know, we shouldn't have
to put up with this garbage on
our second jobs, I mean, we've
been bustin' our humps all day.
Pickin' up kids, givin' 'em
candy canes. And what do we get?
"Mommy, mommy,
the giant bean is grabbin' me."
[telephone ringing]
Hello. It's for you.
- Who is it?
- Santa.
How did he know
we'd be at your house?
He knows when you are sleeping,
he knows when you're awake. Hm.
(Lewis)
Hello.
Yes, I'll accept the charges.
Yes, Santa.
Uh, no, Santa.
- Sorry, Santa.
- 'What is it?'
That was Santa's one phone call.
Apparently, he woke up
in the parking lot
of a Capri lounge in a bad way.
- He wants us to bail him out?
- Yeah, yeah.
But the good news is, uh, we
might see ourselves on "Cops."
- Oh.
- Yeah, let's go.
[instrumental music]
Good, Bobeck, you're here.
I need you to distribute
the Christmas bonuses.
Oh, sure.
"A tree will be planted in your
name for the Tree Foundation."
Where do all those trees go
anyway?
You know, pretty much
around my house.
I'm landscaping.
So, uh, Mr. Wick,
are you excited
about the Winfred-Louder
Christmas party?
Sadly, I, uh, heh,
don't have a date.
You know,
I just had a crazy thought.
- If you're not doing anything..
- Yes?
[telephone ringing]
That'll be my gardener.
We'll talk later.
Damn. I was so close.
He was gonna ask me
to the party. I just know it.
Hm. Oh, I'm tingling all over.
Whoo!
Oh, holy night! Whoo!
Alright.
So what was I lookin' for?
Oh, yeah, a place to throw up.
Oh, gee, and I did
something nice for you.
I ran your firing program
through the computer
and the first two luckyfirees
areontheirwayup.
You sent both guys up at once?
I can't fire two people
at the same time.
It's gonna be horrible.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, what was I lookin' for?
Oh, yeah, a way to screw you.
[laughs]
- Hey, Drew.
- Oh.
Hi, Stan, listen,
uh, have a seat
I just gotta have to tell
somebody to wait in the lobby.
Take your time, I was just
smokin' in the lounge anyway.
Yeah, I know,
it's against the rules.
Hey, my formula works.
- Hey, Drew.
- Hey, Trent.
There's my Lisa'sfiance.
What are you doin' up here?
Well, Mimi said
you wanted to see me.
Mimi..
- Oh.
- Hey, listen, by the way..
Thank you for the wedding gift.
For an ex-boyfriend,
you are really cool.
Oh, hey, Stan. What, uh,
Drew called you up here, too?
- Huh?
- Uh-huh.
Are we employees of the month?
Actually, Trent,
I called you up here
to tell you
what a great job you're doin'.
- Oh. Oh, cool.
- Keep up the good work.
I'd like to, uh, stick around
and chat, but, um
I think I might have left
my register open.
Hey, while you're down here,
would you close mine, too?
Yeah, sure, Stan.
See you later, Drew.
(Stan)
'Thanks.'
Oh, man.
So, Stan, bet you're wonderin'
why I called you up here.
Alright, I know a guy
who can get you some stuff.
But you gotta pay up front.
First, let me thank you
for making
this moment so much easier.
Secondly, how'd you like to stay
home and smoke all day long?
Oh, man, I would love that.
- Well, Merry Christmas.
- Thanks.
[instrumental music]
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Look, Santa,
we're bringin' the kids
in and out as fast as we can.
You kick me in the ass
one more time and I quit.
Yeah, and stop calling me
the dumb one.
The dumb one has a name,
it's Oswald.
Hey, look, for 11 months out of
the year, I'm just a fat old man
but for one month I'm king.
This is my time.
Now bring in another kid.
And this time, no weapons.
Next kid that cuts the cheese
on Santa gets five bucks.
Pass it on.
Hey, elfie, right here.
Uh, hey, don't take
a picture of me doing that.
I can lose my job, you nimrod.
- Gimme, gimme, gimme that.
- No, no. This is over.
Now I got proof here
that Santa's a jackass.
Okay, come on, guys..
Danger, here's danger.
Look, Santa's nose
looks like a road map.
Look at that. Ah? Look at--
Break it up, break it up.
Geez, I didn't know Santa's
village needed a bouncer.
- Hey, Drew.
- Hey. Oh, Lisa.
- Am I glad to see you.
- Come on, we need to talk.
Okay, but first
let me thank you.
Trent said you told him
what a great job he's doing.
You didn't have to do that.
You know, the one thing you
never fail to do is surprise me.
Well, here we go again.
I called him up to fire him.
- What?
- Hold on, let me explain.
See, I came up with
this totally objective formula
to determine which employees
deserve to be fired.
Oh, sure,
and somehow coincidentally
it pointed to the man
that I'm going to marry?
No, the coincidence is
you're about to marry
one of the two guys
who sucks at his job.
You're jealous!
- I am not.
- Alright, fine.
If you're not jealous,
then sit down with him
and tell him what he needs to do
to save this job.
Okay, I'll talk to him,
but this is not about jealousy.
You know, I haven't exactly
been sittin' at home
since we broke up.
I got dumped by a married woman.
I had a couple
of uncomfortable dates.
And there are several very
attractive women who in a moment
of weakness or after
just the right number of drinks
might possibly consider
goin' out with me.
So don't you feel sorry
for Drew Carey.
Drew, uh, I need
some petty cash for Santa.
He wants a-a bucket of chicken,
a carton of smokes
and some medicine
from Al's Liquor.
I'm not buying Santa booze.
Oh, come on, Drew,
you can fire him tomorrow.
Right now
the guy is in a bad way.
Santa's startin' to leave Las
Vegas, if you know what I mean.
Alright, buy him a small bottle
of peppermint schnapps.
His breath will smell like
he's been eating candy canes.
Well, I hope you're planning
on bathing him in it, too
'cause his breath
is just a tip of the iceberg.
[instrumental music]
- Hey, Kate.
- Uh, hi!
Wait!
You know, we haven't had
much time to talk
you know, woman to woman.
I time my breaks that way.
Well, maybe I deserve that,
but I don't have that many
women friends, so if you could
just grow up and kind of
put some of the things I've said
about you aside..
- I need some advice.
- What's up?
Well, you know how men are
naturally attracted to me.
- Yeah.
- Well..
[sighs]
There's this one guy
who's havin' a hard time
workin' up the nerve to tell me.
- Who is it?
- Oh.
Like I'm gonna tell you,
Ms. Easy Pants Romance.
- Alright.
- Sorry. Sorry, sorry.
If you could just, you know,
put that aside, too.
Fine. Well, uh..
There's nothing wrong with
a woman making the first move.
Tell him
you're not into playing games.
It's just, "I like you and I
wanna go out. What do you say?"
[scoffs]
Well, that was worth it.
I was lookin' for a spell
or a trick.
Okay. Never mind.
So, Mr. Wick,
I need to ask you something.
I need to ask you something.
[clears throat]
I-it's about
the, the Christmas party.
Ah, as you know,
I-I'm somewhat shy.
Well, you know what they say
about the shy ones.
No. What do they say?
[indistinct whispering]
Good Lord, Bobeck.
You've got a mouth that would
make a streetwalker blush.
Speaking of streetwalker
blush, that's
a very provocative color
you've chosen.
Oh, well, it looks even nicer
in the morning.
Let me get to the point, Mimi.
There are quite a few ladies
that I'd like to ask out
but I've, I've never been
very good at it.
So, um,
so here's a list of 25 ladies
I-I'm too shy to call.
You, you want me
to call these women
and invite them
to the Christmas party for you?
Oh. Well, boy,
that's a lot to ask.
But you're a nice guy,
so, sure, I'll do it.
You're a good soldier.
Carry on.
[scoffs]
Oh, hi. Is this Tania?
Oh, I'm calling
for Mr. Nigel Wick.
Have you been itchin'
in any sensitive areas lately?
No? Oh, well,
that's all he wanted to know.
Good luck. Bye-bye.
Hey, Drew.
Oh, man,
I feel so bad about Stan.
Here I was, gloating,
and he's about to get the axe.
[chuckles]
Well, they never see it coming,
do they?
- Hm.
- 'Heh-heh.'
So, what's up?
I gotta tell you, Trent,
you're not doin' so well.
Well, w-what do you mean?
Yesterday you said
I was doing terrific.
Yeah, but I reassessed
a few things, the absences
the lateness,
leaving your counter
to look at an accident outside.
I know, I know I've been
slackin' off a little lately
but, you know, Drew,
this isn't exactly my dream job.
Well, maybe that's your problem.
I mean, look at your resume.
All in one year, a paralegal,
a gardener, ice sculptor
acupuncturist, career counselor?
You know things have
a better chance of workin' out
if you just decide what you want
before you make a commitment.
You know, you need stability.
You're about to get married.
Yeah, and I'm rushing
into that, too.
[chuckles]
Oh, God!
Oh, God, Drew, you're right.
I'm making the same mistake
I always make.
What? Oh, no, no, no. See,
I was just talking about work.
In your private life,
you should just be
as reckless as you wanna be.
No, no, no, Drew, you're
you're on to somethin' here.
Hey, you know..
I took one of those
aptitude tests once.
It said I should travel.
And what am I doin'?
I'm stuck in a do-nothing job,
about to get married.
Drew, the thing said
I had potential.
Oh, potential isn't good, that's
what they tell high-school kids
to make them work harder when
they're really just dummies.
Forget them.
You are gettin' married.
- I can't do this, Drew.
- Sure you can.
What are you worried about?
You have a job here.
Let me make it easy for ya.
I quit.
Oh.
Yeah, this is Drew Carey.
Could I talk to Lisa, please?
She's in
the bridal department? Oh.
Well, at least she hasn't made
out her invitations yet. Oh.
Well, at least she hasn't put
a deposit on her wedding dress.
What?
[receiver slams]
It's not my fault.
Oh, my God, you look beautiful!
Thanks. What's not your fault?
That you're the sweetest,
most understanding
forgiving person
in the whole wide world.
Oh, my God, you did it!
You fired him!
Drew, do you know
how bad this is gonna look
you getting beaten up by a bride
in the middle of the store?
I didn't fire him. If you're
gonna hit anybody, hit Trent.
He's the one who's backing out
of marrying ya.
- What?
- Hey.
Better now than at the altar.
What the hell did you say to
him?
Nothin'. We were just talkin'
about how he rushes into things.
Then all of a sudden he decided
he didn't wanna get married.
You are jealous. You just
can't let me go, can you?
Oh, you should talk, you're the
one that's havin' a hard time
gettin' over me, rush into
a marriage you're not ready for
and to a guy
who doesn't even have a job.
[gasps]
What do you mean
he doesn't even have a job?
Oh, yeah, there's somethin' else
I forgot to tell you.
- He quit.
- Alright, I've heard enough.
Let's go. Where do you want it,
face or stomach?
Drew, I have to talk to you.
- Hi.
- Not now.
- Drew, Santa's dead.
- Huh!
[gasps]
Oh, my God, our store Santa?
- 'Yeah'
- What happened? Where is he?
Oh, he's still on the throne.
We put the ropes around him
so the kids can't get in.
We told them Santa's havin'
a little nap with his eyes open
'cause he's always watchin' you.
What are you doing?
Who's watching Santa?
Don't worry, I found a way
to distract the kids.
- Hi.
- W-what-what are they doing?
They're having
a staring contest with Santa.
[instrumental music]
- Hey, guys.
- Hey!
Oh, my, God. I heard
what happened to you guys.
Poor Santa!
And I can't believe
his last words were
"And to all, a good night."
Well, actually, that's just
what we told the kids.
His real last words were,
"I'll see you in hell, Oswald."
Maybe there's a message here.
You shouldn't be
mean and abusive
especially at Christmas time.
Or maybe you shouldn't eat just
pork and cheese and wash it down
with a pack of smokes
and a quart full of gin.
(Kate)
'Yeah.'
But I still hold to my theory
that you can eat anything
you want as long
as you just walk a little.
[doorbell rings]
Coming! Ahem.
Hey, I'm walkin' to the door.
Now I can have more chips.
[clears throat]
[door opens]
- Lisa?
- Hi, Drew.
So where were we?
I just, uh, ruined
your marriage and your life.
So, okay, stomach, I guess.
[laughs]
I'm not gonna hit you.
I'm not mad. Trent told me
it wasn't your fault.
Oh, God, am I glad
to hear you say that.
You know, I don't wanna
say anything, but, you know
jumping from job to job,
aimlessly walking through life
frankly,
I think he's kind of flaky.
And let's face it,
he's no Einstein. So..
Drew, he's in the car.
We're eloping.
Oh? Okay.
Stomach again, I guess.
Look, he said
it wasn't your fault
and he just freaked out a
little, but-but now we're okay.
Oh, then that's great.
Let me go congratulate him.
No, no, no. Stay right here.
Right. So where are you goin'?
We're gonna drive up to Niagara,
get married
and then, uh, take
a driving trip across Canada.
And then Trent's gonna take
some time off to decide
what he wants to do
for a career.
Oh, man, well..
[car honking]
That's great.
I'm really happy for you.
Thanks.
I should get going.
Oh, wait, I didn't even get you
a wedding present.
Um, here.
Why don't you take these?
It's cold up there.
I'm gonna miss you.
What?
Hold on, wait a second.
If you don't want your naked
pictures back say, "Huh."
Huh?
Just kidding.
Take care of yourself.
[car honking]
The nights ♪
[door opens]
Look in her eyes
for a sign in the rain ♪
There seems so much
but there's nothing for me ♪
Turn from the window
and pull down the shades ♪♪
[instrumental music]
Hey, Lewis, check it out.
Hey, they're cute.
(Lewis)
Uh-huh. They're looking at us.
Uh..
(Oswald)
Uh, Lewis, I think I know
what they're staring at.
What?
You got
a piece of popcorn, like a..
- Right here? Right here?
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Thanks.
- Ready?
- Uh..
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]