The Larry Sanders Show (1992) s02e11 Episode Script

[Larry.]
Please welcome hugh hefner.
[Applause, cheering.]
It's a pleasure.
[Hugh hefner.]
I don't do this often.
No, you don't.
That's why it's Special that you're here.
May i call you hef? You may.
Ok.
Call me larry.
Ok, larry.
Tell me how you Select these women.
I've wished i could Be in on that.
How does this All start? Well, it begins With, um Uh, pictures coming Into the magazine And sometimes by, Uh, photographers.
Sometimes The girls themselves Send the pictures in, And, uh If they look promising, Then test shots are made.
If the test shots Look promising, Then they do the centerfold.
You don't have any of those Test shots with you? I don't.
You're married now, Right? I am indeed.
And, uh With two small boys.
Two small boys So future playboys.
Yep.
So to say.
How does Your wife deal With the business? Because You're surrounded By gorgeous women.
Is that ever a problem? She was a playmate Of the year.
I didn't want To say anything.
Yeah.
We've All seen her.
[Laughter.]
You're a lucky man.
I am a very lucky guy.
Good for you.
How did you Meet her? She was already In the magazine, Uh, and her centerfold Had already appeared When she was here In los angeles Staying at the mansion Shooting a pictorial With helmut newton.
Did you bump into her At the mansion? Yes.
We were Watching a movie.
I asked her if she Wanted to watch a film.
You have this Great advantage Because these women Are in your house To begin with.
And i've already Seen test photos.
You've seen Test photos.
You're walking-- You're going To the kitchen To get something From the fridge And bump Into miss january.
That's the way it is.
And you say, "Hey" That's all you Need to say Because you're Hugh hefner.
Hey is all you need.
We'll come right back With more hugh hefner.
Stay tuned.
Don't flip around.
You have A little hair there Coming down.
All right.
When we come back, We'll go Into your wife Being jealous About your work.
I'd rather stay away From that.
Excuse me, hef.
You're doing great.
Thank you.
Um, i just Want you to know That it's an honor To be this close To you.
Thank you very much, Frank.
You know what? In my bedroom In a box next to my bed, I have every tape Of every playboy after dark Ever made.
I take that As a real compliment.
Yes.
You know, i do quite A lot of reading About the parties At the mansion.
Phew! That would be a hoot to Be invited to one of those.
I imagine it would be.
[Clears throat.]
[Coughs.]
[Clears throat.]
Darlene, can i Have some water? No.
No, Thank you.
Go ahead.
I don't Have anything.
No, really.
All right.
Thank you.
Who's that? That's my assistant darlene-- Darlene chapinni.
She's, uh-- well, She's from madison, Wisconsin, And, uh, Her hobbies include Is he Bothering you? Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
It's a problem.
Jesus, did you see how hank Was all over hefner? He did everything But hump his leg.
You must have Looked away.
You know, i have to, uh Get going because, uh Where are my keys? Oh, i got them.
I have to get My place ready For architectural digest.
That's tomorrow.
I want it To look perfect.
I've never seen you Get so excited Over a piece Of publicity.
I always wanted My house in there Since i saw Carson's place.
Oh, that was A wonderful house.
Great house.
Yes.
You could Stand on the roof And watch Angie dickinson Sunbathe.
You know, francine Doesn't want to be In the photos.
Ah.
What should i do? Oh, no.
I refuse To get involved In this.
All right, But you're coming Over later, right? In about an hour.
You want me to Bring anything? Uh, you know what? There's a plant On the set to my left.
What about this one? This is A mediterranean ficus.
It's a very classy plant.
Look perfect By your fireplace.
Think so? Yes.
No.
Darlene? After many years Of trying, Hank kingsley is going To appear in playboy.
You got The interview.
I knew it would Happen someday, Hank.
I'm so happy for you.
Thank you.
This is great.
Actually, it's not The interview.
It's a feature about women Who work in television.
But, hank, You're a man.
Right, But you're a woman.
Now it's, uh, it's-- It's, uh-- It's a piece, And it's called "The sidekick's sidekick," And it has some shots Of you and me In the office And on the set, And out on the town.
Mostly, it is A spread about you.
They want me To pose? Sorry? Pose? Uh Uh, yeah.
Naked? Uh, naked I-i didn't ask, But i would assume, yeah.
I'm flattered, hank, But i just don't-- Hear me out.
Hear me out.
I said "but" At first, also.
Uh, sit down, darlene.
Ha ha ha! You see, Darlene, my dad, Henry kingsley, sr.
, Was a charter subscriber To playboy.
He adored that magazine And all that it stood for.
That's sweet.
And now i finally Have the chance To make my dad proud.
Your dad's Passed away, right? We think so.
We're not sure.
He left when i was 7.
Anyway, i know Wherever he is, He's watching, And i know it would Mean a lot to him, But look, If appearing in playboy Makes you Uncomfortable, I'm sure pop Would understand.
[Knock on door.]
Would you at least, Please, think about it? Ok? Artie, uh, uh, How can i help you? Sit down.
Yes, sir.
Before he left, Hef told me About this little Idea of yours.
All i can say is Be careful.
It'll be very Tasteful No bush.
Listen to me, hank.
I want you to keep this Very low profile.
Larry sanders Is the star here, Goddamn it.
Artie, i hear you-- Low profile.
I don't know why you Can't be in the picture.
It's one little picture.
It's the little insert In the corner.
I'm not going to be In the picture.
I don't live here.
I'm not your wife.
This isn't my house.
I won't do it.
Ok.
All right.
You're right.
Ok.
You know, The magazine Doesn't come out For two months.
Things might be Different by then.
Well, you asking me To move in with you? [Laughs.]
Yes, in my own "I can't believe i did it That way myself" way.
Yes, i am.
I guess.
Well, i, um-- I, um [Stammering.]
I-- i'm-- i I won't be In the picture.
Fine, but let's talk About moving in.
I don't want anyone thinking I decorated this house.
What is that Supposed to mean? I don't know.
Wait a minute, You don't think this Is in good taste? Right.
That's what i'm saying.
I don't think this house Is in good taste.
Well, why? Well, just look around.
What? All right.
Look.
What is this? That's a head Carved out of rock.
This looks like The junior suite In the four seasons.
Thank you.
Jeannie and i met there.
Gladiolas will Liven things up.
Oh, gosh.
Ah, you're all set, Kiddo.
Artie, she won't Be in the picture.
Huh? That scenario I will not get involved in.
Bye, larry.
Bye, artie.
Bye.
Now, if you'll Excuse me, I know a lovely place For this african violet.
Where? In the crapper.
Don't talk that way When the architectural digest People are here.
Did you do The test photos? Yeah.
It really Wasn't that bad.
There was no one there But me and the photographer.
Some slime bag, right? No.
She seemed nice.
She? What did you wear? You're not actually Doing this, are you? Hank really wants me to, And i owe him a lot.
You're doing this For hank.
If it wasn't for hank, I would still be Being sawed in half By the amazing clifford For two shows a night.
You know, the more I hear about this, It sounds to me Like there's Little difference Between hank And the amazing Clifford.
Clifford probably Dresses better.
Come on, you guys.
You come on.
You're being exploited and used, And you don't Even know it.
Here's those, uh, playboy after dark Tapes you wanted.
Oh, great.
Pay attention To mort sahl.
You could Learn something.
What was that? What? You're hiding Something from me.
No we're not.
Yes, you are.
We're writing The monologue.
If we were Hiding something, You wouldn't Know it.
Should we show him? Yeah, show me.
We have darlene's Test photos.
How did you Get those? They were on her desk In a big envelope With a playboy Bunny on it.
We just thought It was a new issue.
How are they? Good.
No.
No.
This is Not good.
This is not Right.
This is not Our property.
[Clears throat.]
Oh, my god.
[Laughs.]
Hank, Your agent's On the phone.
Where did you Get those? Hank.
I got it On your desk.
And you thought You could just Take them And show them Around? Well, i Darlene! That's rough.
Oh, wait.
Let me see.
I'm not going to be Exploited and used! Come on, darlene.
This is playboy We're talking about.
We're not talking about hustler or penthouse Or swank or juggs Or screw! Shh! Hey.
You promised me You'd keep this Very low profile.
I am.
Aw, bullshit.
Shouting out the names Of some of this country's Finest men's publications Outside the ladies' crapper Is not low profile.
Listen, Miss bernadette peters Is down that hallway In her dressing room.
I wasn't shouting.
Maybe it was That weird intern Carrying on Like that.
That's why They call him The weird intern.
Hank! Yeah.
If you think It's so great, Show everyone your tits.
Lower profile Out there, you two! You got to be In the picture.
Don't make me Sit alone.
I'll look like Harvey korman.
You're only worried About how you'll come off.
So it's for you.
No.
Well, look.
Ok.
So i'm worried about How i'll come off.
You're worried, too.
We want The same thing.
I don't want to be In this picture As an appendage.
Move in, then you're Not an appendage.
Then you're a person Who has moved in.
No one's ever asked me To move in before.
Wait a minute.
How did you end up Living with What's-his-name? Well, you know.
You're dating, Then you're together, And then you're just Kind of living together.
That's a good way, But you can't Count on that way.
This way, you take the picture, Then you move in.
That's a better way.
You don't know how much I hate having My picture taken.
You still think It takes-- Artie, come here.
Artie.
Talk to her about The picture, please.
I cannot get involved In this area.
Artie, why don't you Be in the picture? Just larry and me In a decorating magazine? People might get The wrong idea.
I would.
Wouldn't A picture of me And her look Really nice? With your arm Around your lady With a big bouquet Of baby's breath Behind you.
Whoa, horsie, whoa.
You got me sucked me For a second.
Artie, come back.
Brad pitt's In the green room.
I'm going to see If he's as cute As everybody says.
You're gonna be disappointed.
You'll see.
Is she moving in? I don't know.
Come here a minute.
Do you think my house Is too feminine? Should i send over Some trophy heads? No, but don't you Have that chair With the teeth Or something? Antlers and bones, Actually.
It might look good On the sun deck.
Yeah.
Bring that.
Yeah.
Sure.
I don't know.
That's a hard Decision, darlene.
I don't want To look stupid.
Standing Next to hank, You'll come off Like carl sagan.
Are you sure? Positively.
I've never told Many people this, But i knew Marilyn monroe.
We were friends.
Really? Yeah.
Lovely, bright, Sensitive woman.
She was very Self-conscious Till she learned how To use her beauty As an asset.
I'm no marilyn monroe.
Well, you're mighty Nifty, sweetie.
What i'm trying To say is, You gotta use what You're born with.
I've got a face That cracks mirrors.
That's why I'm a producer.
Marilyn did playboy, Didn't she? If you're going To do this, Do it for yourself And no one else, Especially not For fucking hank.
Then i can do it That's up to you.
For myself.
Thanks.
I'll tell hank.
Thanks, artie.
[Knock on door.]
[Door opens.]
Ohh Hello, Miss exploited and used.
I came to talk to you About playboy.
You're gonna be very happy.
They killed it.
What? Hef bounced the idea Off of some editor, And he nixed it.
What didn't they like? I tell you this.
That magazine Was built on ideas Like "the sidekick's Sidekick," And it is not A circa 1975 idea.
It is money In the bank, frank! They hated my test Shots, didn't they? Oh, those fuckers! Those fuckers! Bunch of sleazebags, Every one of them.
Oh, god.
It just would Have been so great.
What did they Say about me? About you? Oh, they loved you.
They want to know If you're interested In doing a Pictorial alone.
I am interested, Hank.
I'll do it for me, Not for you.
But for me, I want to do it.
What are you doing, Hank? Ok.
Here's what We'll do.
Uh, you'll call them And say to them, "Look, i am not going To do a pictorial Unless hank kingsley Is part of it.
" Hank, come on.
I'm sorry.
I did the best I could.
Who'd you talk to? I talked to The editor himself.
What did he say? I'm sorry.
I know this Was your pop's dream.
It's not just my pop.
Don't you understand? My restaurant's opening In less than two months.
I put everything into it, Just everything.
If i don't get Publicity, You know who'll be At the gala opening? You, me, the creditors, And that's it.
I could wear a hank's Look around cafe t-shirt.
You see, it's very Hard to pose nude And wear a t-shirt At the same time.
In fact, It's downright Impossible.
Great.
I've become pissy.
Well, if it isn't my two Favorite playboy models-- Especially you, My dear.
Thank you.
Excuse me.
Say, hank, you been Keeping it low profile? Artie, They cut me out, Those cocksuckers.
[Laughs.]
Oh, i'm sorry, hank.
It's america's loss.
You want To get a drink? I'd love to, sweetheart, But i'm going to larry's.
Larry's? What's up? Come on, it's just One little picture.
What difference Does it make? Come on.
I don't want to waste Any more time arguing.
Where do you Want me? If you really Don't want to-- Let's just get this Over with.
Sit down.
You want me over here? This is perfect.
You're going To wear this? [Doorbell rings.]
I'll get that.
Max, with this lighting, I'd use an f-8 stop.
Thanks, artie.
Hey.
Oh, hank, we're A little busy Here tonight.
Oh.
Oh, gosh.
You are busy.
I'm sorry.
I had no idea.
It's hank kingsley.
Might be fun to get you And hank on the couch.
When are you moving in? Come and sit down, hank.
Ok.
I don't want him In the picture.
Come on, larry.
The more, the merrier.
Sit down, hank.
This'll be great.
You drive A hard bargain.
I don't want him in-- It's just A little picture.
Ok, everybody.
Say, "hey, now.
" "Love, darlene.
" There you go.
architectural digest Is great! Yeah.
Right.
This is fucking Bad timing That darlene's Article came out The same day As yours.
Otherwise, everyone Would be bent over Your desk instead Of darlene's.
Have you seen it? Yes, it's right here.
It's nothing special.
You see one, You've seen them all.
But how many houses Do you see like this? Jesus.
These lilies on The coffee table-- That's a sexy touch.
Has francine Seen this? I don't know.
Has she moved in yet? I don't know.
She's there every night.
I don't know If she's moved in, artie.
Have you talked To hank? No.
Does he know that It's not my fault That he was cropped out? He'll be fine.
I didn't even know She owned a motorcycle.
[Chuckles.]
I've already Signed yours.
Hank, Have you seen My playboy Pictorial yet? Very nice.
Congratulations.
I wore the hank's look Around cafe t-shirt In the main shot.
It's a little ripped, But you can still read it.
Very nice.
I thought you Would like it.
I guess you didn't hear There was a small grease fire At the site last night.
Oh, my god.
No, no.
It's only Going to push us back About, oh, 10 months.
Oh, god.
Hey.
Hey! Hey! It's the new architectural digest.
Those fuckers.
Fuckers! [Artie.]
Low profile, hank! Bunch of fuckers!