The Neighborhood (2018) s02e11 Episode Script

1 All right, Malcolm, be careful up there.
Well, don't worry, Dad.
I got him.
I'm not worried about Malcolm.
I'm worried about my lights.
Those are practically new.
I bought them on my honeymoon.
Yeah, which is why every year, I get shocked by these janky wires.
It's called Christmas tradition.
Okay, Marty, it's time for a moment of truth.
Plug 'em in.
(LAUGHING): Uh first can I grab some rubber gloves? You know, I don't want a repeat of last year.
Would you stop crying? Your mustache grew back.
Okay, here we go.
Ha, ha! One.
(LAUGHS) Two.
Hey, Merry Christmas, guys.
Ah, thank God.
Hey, Dave, what's with the hat and the scarf, man? - It's 80 degrees.
- CALVIN: Yeah.
You keep all that on, you're gonna roast your chestnuts.
I'm just trying to get into the Christmas spirit.
You know, in Michigan, we'd be having snowball fights, going sledding, building snowmen.
Boy, do I miss it.
That's right.
Last year, you guys spent Christmas in Kalamazoo.
And boy, do I miss it.
Yeah.
W-We went back because of my mom.
But this year, we decided to stay here.
Again, because of my mom.
I just wish it felt a little more Christmasy out here.
Hey, it's plenty Christmasy out here.
I mean, just yesterday, Crackhead Victor tried to sell me a dime bag of mistletoe.
Uh, you know, Dave, if you want to feel Christmasy, uh, why don't you do the honors and plug in our lights? Oh, man, I'd love to! Okay, well, now hold on.
Now, Dave, those shoes do have a rubber sole, right? Yeah.
Well, then light 'em up! Here we go.
Damn, Dave, you broke my lights.
And those were practically new.
All I did was plug 'em in.
Yeah, but you probably didn't (ELECTRICAL HISSING, GROANING) (WHIMPERS) Hey, uh, don't-don't worry, Dad.
Your mustache will grow back.
Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood Welcome to the hood.
Ah.
Hey, Santa.
You know, you're the only black man that can sneak in people's houses and everybody's cool with it.
DAVE: Hey, Calvin.
Heads up.
I'm coming in hot! Whoa.
(CHUCKLES) Black Santa, meet White Dave.
What's cracking, Kringle? What's with the scooter? It's Grover's Christmas present.
They're sold out everywhere.
I had to go - to six different stores to get one.
- Oh.
That reminds me of when the boys wanted a Tickle Me Elmo for Christmas.
How many stores you go to? None.
They could tickle each other for free.
All right, well, I better go hide this before Grover and Gemma get back from having their picture taken with Santa.
- Oh, you didn't want to go? - No.
I already got mine.
I see someone didn't open their e-mail.
(WHIRRING) Can I lick the beaters? Sweetie, the batter has raw eggs in it.
You could make yourself sick.
Are you just saying that so you can keep them for yourself? Fine, but I get the one with more on it.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) TINA: Hey, Gemma, where are you, girl? In the kitchen! Quick, hide these.
There's not enough batter for all of us.
- Hey, what are you guys ? - There's none left! Hey, Tina.
What's up? Well, I came by to grab those old toys for the charity drive at church.
I'll be damned if I let Loretta Banks think she's a better Christian than me.
- Oh.
They're right here.
- Awesome.
Hey, those are mine.
Yeah, but if you don't get rid of your old toys, there won't be enough room for Santa to bring you new ones.
Well, if it's for the kids.
So, what are you guys making? Gingerbread men.
- Oh.
- We make them every year.
It's our mommy-son tradition.
Aw, I miss when my boys were little.
We used to dress up in our Christmas sweaters and make ornaments out of Popsicle sticks and dry pasta.
Oh, that's so sweet.
Yeah, it was, until the year that Malcolm crammed macaroni up Marty's nose.
Was he okay? Oh, yeah.
He whistled when he slept for a while, but, you know, as soon as he caught a cold, he sneezed it right out.
(BOTH LAUGH) - Well, thanks again for these.
- You're welcome.
Oh, and, uh, by the way, I know you two are holding out on that batter.
And Santa does, too.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Hey, Calvin! Something terrible happened.
I know.
I saw your picture with Santa.
You were way too big to be sitting in his lap.
No, I was robbed.
Somebody broke into my garage and took Grover's scooter.
Whoa.
Are you sure? May-Maybe Gemma moved it.
No, there was a broken window, and they ransacked the place.
My spring sweater collection is all over the floor! So we won't be looking for anybody in a pink V-neck.
I can't believe that somebody would do something like this right before the holidays.
I mean, what kind of Christmas spirit do people have around here? Okay, hold on now.
Every neighborhood has a few knuckleheads.
I mean, doesn't mean we don't have Christmas spirit.
Yeah, well, all I know is, I don't have a gift for Grover.
And he doesn't even have a brother he can tickle! Okay.
All right, all right, just relax.
I think I know where we can go to get your scooter back.
- Where? - The barbershop.
It's where everybody in the neighborhood goes to get information.
It's like Black Google.
It's how I found out Queen Latifah was my cousin.
Hey, hey, check it out.
What's all this? Oh, I don't know.
Popsicle sticks, yarn, macaroni.
(GASPS) It's back Christmas quality time with Mom! No, man.
We are way too old.
She wouldn't really expect us to be There are my sweet babies.
Who's ready to make ornaments with Mommy? BOTH: We are.
Yes! So what's the plan when we get in there? Squeeze 'em 'till we get the juice? What? You know, put the screws on 'em 'till we get the 411.
Why are you talking like a gangster from the Disney Channel? Since everyone in there already knows you, I figured you'd be good cop, I'll be bad cop.
Okay, all right, first of all, if we want anybody to help us around here, don't say the word "cop".
And second, we got to handle this delicately, all right? - Nobody wants to be labelled a snitch.
- Okay.
So, what do you want me to do? Nothing.
Just lay back in the cut like a Band-Aid.
Got it.
What does that mean? It means, just sit back and chill while I find out if anybody knows anything.
Okay.
What if no one's willing to talk? (CHUCKLES) Dave, come on.
These are decent, stand-up guys that want to do the right thing.
Plus, if they don't, I got dirt on all them fools.
Merry Christmas, everybody.
ALL: Hey, Calvin.
Hey, uh, listen up, y'all.
My man Dave here Oh, we're losing time! I want answers, and I want 'em now! - What are you doing? - I'm coming out the cut! Now, no one is leaving this room until I find out who took my son's scooter! Starting now! All right, now listen up.
Some sticky-fingered dirtbag broke into my garage and disappeared my kid's Christmas present.
So one of you canaries better start singing real quick! Look, what Bugsy Malone is trying to say is that he got robbed last night, and we could use some help.
Sorry, Calvin.
I haven't heard anything.
How about y'all? (NEGATIVE MURMURS) (LAUGHING): Okay.
I see how it is.
I'll play your little game.
(LAUGHING) - (BUZZING) - Somebody talk, or I'll mess up his hairline! (ALL EXCLAIMING) Dave, stay away from Randall's fade before you get your ass whupped.
Look, we all connected to the streets.
Somebody in here heard something.
- I heard something.
- See, Dave? Black Google the World Wide Web of nosey people.
What you got, Trey? Okay, word is, James is cheating on his girl.
What's that got to do with it? I don't know.
I just don't like James.
Come on, guys.
This is a kid's Christmas present we're talking about.
This is not how we do things around here.
I mean, Que, every Christmas Eve, you give away free haircuts to the homeless.
And Trey, how many bikes have we put together for kids so they can have something under their tree? Seventy-five.
76 if you count mine.
Exactly.
'Cause in this neighborhood, we take care of each other.
Especially during this time of year.
So one of you wise-apples better spill the beans, or I'm cracking skulls! If nobody talks, I'm leaving him here.
Yo, yo, Calvin, come here.
What's up? All right, look.
Now you ain't heard this from me, but I have a colleague that's in the same line of business as myself.
Oh, so, a hustler that sells stolen stuff? That's hurtful but not untrue.
Anyway, if anybody's got your scooter, it's him.
This is where you can meet him.
All right, got it.
All right, come on, Dave, let's go.
Right behind you.
Oh, and, uh I didn't mean to be so tough with you guys.
Sorry if I scared anybody.
That time of year Has come again I thought you said you got rid of these sweaters.
I tried, man.
But for some reason, they wouldn't burn.
Okay, I made some hot cocoa, just the way you used to like it.
- (CHUCKLES) - Aw.
This is ridiculous.
I know.
There aren't even any marshmallows in here.
Okay, so let's see how your ornaments are doing.
Ooh, Malcolm.
You've got the googly-eyes on your reindeer centered perfectly.
(CHUCKLING) Yeah.
Now that I'm not six, I'm not eating the glue, either.
Oh, Marty, what are you spelling out with your macaroni? Oh, uh, it says, "Help".
As in "Santa's little helper"? Sure.
(LAUGHING) Okay, Ma, you know what? This has been fun, but I think I am done.
Yeah, Mom, me, too.
W-W-Wha No.
W-We're just getting started.
You haven't finished your ornaments or made the popcorn string for the tree.
Yeah, I know, Mom, but that's tuff we did when we were kids.
Yeah, we're too grown for this.
Well, says who? Says the man wearing a Christmas crop top.
Okay, fine.
I mean, if you're too grown to spend time with your mother, I'll just go somewhere where they have Christmas spirit.
GIRL: Merry Christmas, Mrs.
Butler.
Ah, shut up.
Oh, man, she is mad.
Yeah, I know.
We really screwed up.
Yeah.
Hey, you gonna drink your cocoa? You touch my cocoa and you're getting a macaroni up your nose.
(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE) This is ridiculous.
Jeremiah said the guy would meet us here over an hour ago.
Right.
Because guys who hang out in back alleys selling stolen goods are known for being punctual.
Help! Help me, please.
Somebody just ran off with my donation bucket.
See that? Even Santa gets jacked around here.
C-Can one of you please call the police? Oh, yeah.
I-I got you, Santa.
(WHISTLES) Never mind.
Looks like you're good.
They're not cops! Open up! You're the guys we've been waiting for? That's right.
Welcome to Santa's workshop.
(GASPS) Oh, look, Grover, - you made a little gingerbread family.
- Yeah.
This is me, this is you, and this is Dad.
Aw.
And who are you making over there, Tina? Two ungrateful sons.
Not so grown without your legs, are you? Why don't we lay off the eggnog for a little bit? You would think I deserve one afternoon.
Between the two of them, 36 hours of labor.
And Marty was born with that pumpkin head.
Hey.
That was my dad.
Don't worry, sweetie.
We'll bake your father a new head.
I'm sorry, Gemma, I'm trippin'.
It's okay.
We all trip sometimes.
You know, it's just, when your kids are little, you don't realize some traditions don't go on forever.
I know, but at least you have those memories.
Do you really want to ruin them for the three of you? And us.
Mm.
Show me which cookie is you again.
I'm still hungry.
So what are you gentlemen interested in this holiday season? Electronics? Jewelry? Maybe a pet? You got animals in there? Not at this location.
But I can have a kangaroo here in 20 minutes.
I'm not interested in kangaroos.
At least not right now.
I'm looking for a stolen scooter.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We don't use the word "stolen" around here.
Santa's on probation.
We're done here.
H-H-Hold on, hold on.
What-What my friend meant is that we're looking for a scooter that may have recently fallen off Santa's sleigh.
Okay.
You're in luck.
I just got one in this afternoon.
Hold on.
I think it's in "sporting goods".
See, Dave? I told you we'd get your scooter back.
(SCOFFS) Great.
I have to buy back a scooter that I already paid for.
Look, I hear you.
But won't it all be worth it on Christmas morning when you see the look on Grover's face? SANTA: Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! What is that? It's your scooter.
Every kid wants one of these.
Are you kid Santa, that is not my scooter.
All right, Dave, it's not the exact one, but Grover will never grow out of this one.
You know, I knew this was a waste of time.
All right, look.
We'll just go back to the barbershop No, Calvin, it's Christmas Eve, and I don't have a gift for my son.
No more barbershops, no more sketchy alleys, no more Santas and their stolen kangaroos.
Hey, I came by those kangaroos honestly.
Hey, uh Just window shopping here, but how much would one of them mid-size marsupials go for? Oh, hey, boys.
You know, I just wanted to, um What are you doing? Finishing up our ornaments.
Yeah.
See? "We're so" what? Oh, uh, it's supposed to say "We're sorry" but I lost circulation in my arms and I had to stop.
You know what? I'm the one who should be sorry.
You're right, you're both adults, and I shouldn't force you to do what you don't want to.
Mom, it's not that we don't like celebrating Christmas with you.
Yeah, but maybe we can figure out some new traditions.
Ones that are more age and, uh, size appropriate.
Like what? I don't know.
We could go down to Ernie's bar, do a little Christmas karaoke.
Oh, that sounds good to me.
Well, you know, I wouldn't mind a holiday cocktail.
Gemma's eggnog is all egg and no nog.
Okay, so what do you say? Do we have a new tradition? I would love that.
Well, all right.
Let's do it.
Come on.
Let's go.
- Yeah.
- Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let me get these scissors.
I got to cut off those tight-ass sweaters.
I'm sorry, Dave.
I really thought this would have ended differently.
I mean, you with your scooter back, and me with a pet I could box.
Yeah, I'm just disappointed.
Yeah, me, too.
I really wanted to help make Grover's first Christmas here special.
Oh, hey, it's the guys from the shop.
Hey, fellas.
What y'all doing here? We came to bring you this.
Oh, it's my scooter.
Yeah, we tracked it down after you left the shop.
Yeah, Calvin, we heard what you said about the holidays.
Yeah, it made me think back to that year when the neighborhood chipped in - so I could spend Christmas with my family.
- Oh, yeah.
That bail wasn't cheap.
Like you said, Calvin, we got to look out for each other, especially this time of year.
Well, all right.
I don't want to overstate it, but looks like I saved Christmas.
Oh, man, I-I don't know how I can thank you guys.
This is the best gift a guy could get.
Merry Christmas, Dave.
Eh, so where'd you guys get this? (ALL EXCLAIMING) Oh, now, Dave, that is one question Black Google won't answer.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
Hey, Dave, come on outside! Whoa, snow.
- (GASPS) - Like back in Michigan.
Calvin, what is all this? I told you, I wanted to make your first Christmas here special.
(GASPS) Aw, Merry Christmas, Tina.
(BOTH CHUCKLING) Hey, what'd you guys end up doing last night? Well, we started a new Butler Christmas tradition.
Yeah.
Karaoke, drinking, and finding out Mom is great at darts.
Yeah, she's not just great, she's a hustler.
She took me for almost 50 bucks.
- (LAUGHING) - Ooh.
Well, you're the one who said you were a grown-up.
Take it like a man.
Calv, this is amazing.
W-Where'd you get the snow machine? Well, after you got your scooter back, I paid another visit to Santa's workshop.
The kangaroos were all sold out, so I got this snow machine.
(LAUGHING) Thanks, buddy.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, bud.
So what do you say? Snowball fight? Ah, no.
That's for the kids, man.
All right.
(LAUGHING) Hey.
What can I say? I'm a kid at heart.
This Christmas, fireside's Blazing bright We're caroling Through the night And this Christmas will be A very special Christmas For me