The Wild Wild West (1965) s02e11 Episode Script
The Night of the Ready-Made Corpse
Your Excellency.
Welcome to Wickenberg, sir.
Well, good morning, James.
Hi, Artie.
Anything happening? Oh, same old thing.
Just a different town.
Thank you.
As I was saying, Colonel Pellargo, welcome to Wickenberg.
You're very capable.
Your name? My name is James West, and this is my partner Artemus Gordon.
Assigned to me by your government? That's right, sir.
I approve.
I trust you will forgive my men.
They were only trying to keep me from being murdered.
Well, if that's what I had on my mind, I could have murdered you easily.
And if you had, Mr.
West, there'd be no harm done, would there? A double, or should I say a lightning rod? If you prefer.
But a lightning rod who is handsomely paid for the risks he takes.
Very ingenious.
You had me fooled.
Pellargo has many people fooled, Mr.
West, which is why Pellargo is still listed among the living, eh? Sir? Your Excellency? Fifteen minutes is all I can give you.
Work fast and efficiently.
Yes, sir, Your Excellency.
Yes, sir.
An old custom in my country: A portrait of its ruler to be distributed amongst the people.
As a substitute for bread? I like you, Mr.
West.
You say what you think.
My country, alas, is poor.
We cannot afford both portraits and bread.
So your people get portraits.
Why not? My people are completely dedicated to two basic objectives.
The first is eking out a wretched hand-to-mouth existence, and the second- Trying to assassinate you.
From time to time, yes.
I'm a reasonable man.
I'm willing to grant them the first, but never the second.
Hold it, sir.
Hold it.
Where'd he go? He disappeared into thin air or thick walls.
He was kind enough to leave a souvenir behind, complete with bloodstains.
Ah.
Good evening, Mr.
Antille.
You're a few moments late.
My arm is hurting.
Yes, well, I can see you've got a wound there, and I'll take care of it for you.
Uh, the blood.
Uh, don't drop it on the carpet because it gives the mourners a very bad impression.
Um, will you follow me, please? Oh, uh, you just, uh, sit down here on the table, will you, please? It's not a very comfortable table, but then, very few of my clients complain about it.
Now Oh, it hurts, does it? Yes.
Well, let me see that.
Well, you're very fortunate, you know.
That's just a flesh wound.
We'll have that taken care of right away.
There.
I trust you accomplished your mission tonight, hmm? I always do.
Why should this job be an exception? Heh-heh-heh! Well, very good, very good.
Very good.
Congratulations.
Well, that being done, I suppose it remains now only for me to fulfill the little service that you and I contracted for, eh? The agent guarding Pellargo came after me.
I suppose they'll soon be searching the whole area.
Uh, yes.
I anticipated that.
And so we have accommodations provided for you right here.
I'll show you.
Here you have our slumber wall.
Ooh, sorry, old boy.
Occupied.
Voilà , as they say in Paris, France.
Must it be there? Oh, well, really, this is the safest place, you know, in case of a search.
And our other guests will never disturb your rest.
She wheeled a wheelbarrow Through the streets Broad and narrow Singing cockles and mussels Alive, alive, oh She was a fishmonger And sure 'twas no wonder For her father and mother Were fishmongers too Now, they wheeled Their wheelbarrow Through streets Broad and narrow Singing Cockles and mussels Alive, alive Oh Alive Oh There was no reason for you to come to me, Señora Pellargo.
I would have gladly come to you.
I wanted to walk.
Walls in my room were beginning to close in on me.
What did you wish to see me about? I've been entrusted to deliver this telegram to you from the president of the United States.
An official expression of sorrow? Sympathy? Heartfelt condolences? Am I correct? Will that bring back my husband or bring his murderer to justice? I'm sorry, señora, but you might be interested to know we've identified your husband's murderer.
Who is he? Claudio Antille, assassin, courtesy of Washington's file of international wanted criminals.
Portrait of a murderer.
The United States has been made to look responsible for your husband's death.
How is it possible that this man has accomplished what he set out to do? Antille is, in his own way, very capable.
Think of his preparation.
He arrived only two months ago, set up his shop as a photographer under an assumed name.
And then he waited patiently until- Oh, excuse me, señora.
Can I see you for a minute, Jim? What is it? Antille? He's been found.
Oh, thank heaven.
What does a murderer say when he is caught? In this case, nothing.
He's dead.
Are you sure you feel up to this? I want to do it.
It'll be painful.
So was the loss of my husband.
I want to see his murderer.
Ah, good day.
Can I be of assistance to you in your hour of sadness? Are you in charge here? Yes, I'm Fabian Lavendor, the director.
You have a body here presumed to be that of Claudio Antille.
Oh, yes, that one.
Yes, we have him here.
How does he happen to be here? Well, that was irregular, but the men who found him simply said this was the nearest available place, so I could hardly turn them away.
I notified the police very soon after.
Who brought him in? They were two laborers.
They declined to give their names.
And I have no authority to force that kind of information.
They left rather quickly before I had a chance to discover the bullet wound in the departed.
You made the identification? Yes, from some papers in the coat and a- A letter.
I'll get them for you.
Uh, are you and madam related to the deceased? The, uh, señora is the widow of the man Antille killed.
Oh, I see.
Well, I'm- I'm very sorry.
My sympathies, and if I can be of professional service to the señora, why- It's been taken care of, thank you.
May we see the body, please? Of course.
He's reposing right here in the chapel, so if you'll step this way.
So that's the monster.
Could you please take care of the señora for a moment? Yes, of course.
Come this way, señora.
We've got some smelling salts.
Oh, no more, please.
I'm quite all right now.
I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, but I had to be positive.
I'll have to keep these papers.
Yes, of course.
About the financial I'll see that the government reimburses you.
Fine.
Mm-hmm.
Sorry, old boy.
I had hoped to send you off with a little pomp and ceremony, however Artemus Gordon.
There.
Case closed and report completed.
Sign on the dotted line, Jim.
Something still bothers me.
Like what? I don't know exactly.
I still keep wondering how Antille got out of that blind alley.
What difference does it make? He's dead.
Wonder why.
Well, the coroner's report says because of unseemly familiarity with a bullet.
Our job's finished.
Is it? Look, what's eating you, Jim? Antille killed Pellargo.
He tried to kill you, then me, finally wound up as your target.
What if it wasn't Antille's body in that coffin? How could it not be? You recognized his face, didn't you? I did.
His wallet and papers are authentic.
The scars on his body match the description in the dossier, ditto the cuff link I found.
Everything you say is correct.
Well, then what more do you want? I wanna check the missing persons file.
All right, Jim, now it's my turn to ask.
Why? Because, Artie, things aren't always what they seem to be.
Look here, Lavendor, I've been going out of my mind.
Oh, now, now, now, you mustn't do that, Mr.
Antille.
We must avoid that at all costs.
These mummy wrappings, how much longer do I have to wear them? Well, not any longer, Mr.
Antille, I'm happy to tell you.
You mean you're going to take them off now? Yes, that's exactly what I mean.
Now, if you'll seat yourself in that chair.
Please, go ahead.
I'm going to remove these wrappings, and unveil the new you.
Now Here we are.
Wait.
What if I don't like the new me? Ah, well, I'm afraid you have no choice.
I mean to say, the old you is wanted by the police for murder.
Mm-hm.
Yes, you're- You're right, of course.
I- I just got panicked there for a moment.
Well, it's perfectly normal, I assure you.
I had a client once, an Albanian knife artist who was wanted for multiple murders.
Why, he broke down and wept uncontrollably at the very moment that you're facing now.
And? Oh, happy ending.
Fell in love with the new face I provided for him.
He became a distinguished importer in Cairo, traveled widely with the best circle.
He even sent me a few clients.
Now one moment.
I don't believe it.
I'm a different person.
Uh, you are Charles Kobles Stevens, to be precise, a dealer in lithographs and etchings.
Uh, now, I have here your papers: identification, passport, steamship tickets.
You're to leave the country within three days.
Well, it's fantastic.
Mr.
Lavendor, you're a real artist.
Why Oh, uh, Golo.
I don't believe you've met, eh, Golo.
He's in charge of field operations, that is to say, the acquisition of bodies.
It was he who recognized the suitability of the double that we, uh, a- acquired for you.
You did a wonderful job.
Who was he? Uh, who? The double.
Oh, his name was Toby Murphy, a man who'll never be missed, an obscure kind of a carousing Irishman.
Mmm.
That's telling 'em.
Whoa, happy chappers.
You think this is the place? Could there be another like it? Sure, now, two fine gentlemen like yourselves will be wanting a private booth, I'll bet? Oh, pick up the jackpot, Colleen.
You win.
Take the one over there, and I'll be along in two shakes.
Well how'd you ever find a nice, quiet little pub like this? Beginner's luck.
There now.
That'll keep you from dying of thirst while you decide on what you'd like to drink.
Thank you, Rose.
Oh, do I know you? I could have sworn I never forget a face, especially such nice faces as the both of your own.
No, we haven't met, Rose.
We're here about the missing persons report you filed on your father.
Do you know where himself has gone? No, but we'd like to help you find him.
Federal- Federal government, is it? Oh, I had no idea me father was that important.
Well, it could turn out that he is.
How long has he been missing? Four days now.
Dropped out of sight like a stone in a bog.
Well, did he do that often, just not show up? Never for any longer than it took him to find his way home again.
A day or so at most.
Have you any recent pictures of your father? Ha, ha! No.
He always tells me, "It's a waste of money when you've got meself to look at all the while.
" We've got the description you filed with the report.
Is there anything you'd care to add, anything that might help us with the identification? Scars, marks? There was one little thing I didn't put in the report, for no one could ever notice.
But he's missing the little toe on his right foot.
Is he, now? How did that happen? At the St.
Patrick's Day festival two years ago.
A random beer keg happened to fall on his foot.
At the time, he hardly noticed.
We want Rose.
Oh.
Going, are you? You should stay.
The place livens up a little bit later in the evening.
It's a shame we have to miss it, but, uh- We have to visit an old friend minus one toe.
Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest.
Artie.
Over here.
All right, Jim.
Let's settle this Murphy-Antille body-switch theory of yours right now.
Artie.
Well, that was careless of 'em, leaving the door open like that.
Wasn't it? Well, four toes, which proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's Toby Murphy.
Here.
Forget the lock pick, Artie.
It's jammed.
I don't suppose there's any doubt about it.
No, Rose.
I'm sorry.
None.
Sure.
That's just like the old man.
He used to cage drinks by pretending to be the Lord Mayor of Dublin.
Now he's impersonated himself into the wrong grave.
There's more to it than that, Rose.
I don't know how it happened.
I promise I'm gonna find out.
I don't suppose there was a wake.
No.
Oh! Well, that's a sad thought.
He He always wanted a grand wake, a- A four-alarm riot of a wake.
Oh, he'll be sorry to have missed that.
Rose, I may need your help in this investigation, and it may mean some danger to you.
Oh, I don't mind that.
And what about a headstone? Is the old man going to go through eternity with the wrong name over his head? We'll arrange for the kind of headstone that he would have approved of after the case is cleared up.
In the meantime, it's an absolute necessity that you don't mention this to a soul.
Fabian Lavendor, proprietor, at your service.
Oh I would like to arrange a funeral.
Oh, certainly.
Certainly.
Is the, uh, need immediate? Very pressing.
I see.
I see.
A member of the family, hmm? Someone, eh, very close to me.
Oh, too bad.
Too bad.
Well, please accept my sincere condolences.
If you'd care to be seated, why, we could discuss the various arrangements possible.
I would prefer to examine your facilities as we talk, if you don't mind.
Oh, fine.
Fine.
Well, you're standing in our chapel here at the moment.
You'll notice the decor is nondenominational.
It's- Oh, incidentally, what, eh, denomination is the deceased? He's not dead yet.
Oh, I-I thought you said- Very soon.
Oh, very soon.
Yeah, well, in that case, the, uh, prospective client, uh Uh, is of the masculine gender? Yes.
Does it matter? Oh, no.
No, not at all.
It's just that, uh, members of the gentler sex, bless their dear memories, they just require more extensive preparation.
Even in final repose, you know, appearance is a primary concern.
The rest of your facilities, if you don't mind? Yes, fine.
Fine.
If you just step this way, why, I'll show you to our slumber room.
Thank you.
Eh.
Mm-hm.
Very nice little workshop.
Well, my staff hasn't arrived yet.
Otherwise, I could show you some of the technical functions that we perform, or are you interested in that sort of thing at all? Oh, profoundly.
Oh.
Well, I can assure you that everything will be done that can be done to provide for a glorious life in the hereafter.
I am far more concerned with a glorious life in the here and now.
Uh, perhaps we ought to be just a little bit more specific about the client.
I mean to say, who is he? Oh, that's an interesting face.
Friend or relative or, uh? Take a close look at me.
Well, lookie here.
Very neat.
Very effective.
Well, of course, Mr.
Link, I could simply notify the police.
Well, you could, of course, also lose a lovely, fat fee.
Who sent you? Oh, no.
No, the contact who recommended you swore me to secrecy.
Eh, quite understandably, he'd prefer that his present identity remain unknown.
Yeah, well, I can't quite swallow that, Mr.
Link- I'll tell you why.
- because I keep rather- Rather extensive files on all my alterations, so I'd have to know who he was, wouldn't I? Ah.
Yeah.
So, uh, I ask you once again, who sent you to me? Well, I'm sorry, but, uh I promised my friend that I wouldn't mention his name, but, uh I'm quite sure that, uh, you know him by his nickname.
I never had any client with a nick- Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You couldn't mean Jim, could you? Jim the dodger? Oh, ho-ho, you're a clever man, Mr.
Lavendor.
Jim the dodger.
Well He still running Liverpool to suit himself? The best.
Señora Pellargo.
You're leaving? Is there any reason for me to stay here, of all places? I wish to continue my husband's work and to work for his political party and try to repair the damage that has been done to relations between our two countries by his death.
Now, that's a very courageous plan, señora, but have you thought about the personal danger involved? Your husband's dedication to certain objectives got him killed.
Well, that was the act of a single misguided fanatic.
That man is dead.
What if I were to tell you that Claudio Antille is not dead? Oh Well, that's absurd.
I saw his body with my own eyes.
So did you.
I think we were both deceived, señora.
I hope to prove in a few days there was a conspiracy to fake his death.
Till then, I'd like to provide a guard for you as long as you're here.
Oh, no.
Thank you.
He would just be in my way.
But señora I would prefer to hear no more about it, Mr.
West.
Good day, señora.
I have a dreadful feeling your nosy Mr.
West is going to force me to kill him.
You brought the money? In small bills, as requested.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
All right.
This way.
Now Ah! Will you step this way, please, Mr.
Link? Well, thank you.
You know, I'm really quite impressed.
It's much quicker service than I expected.
Ha, ha! Well, we aim to satisfy.
Now, would you remove your outer garments? Finley, uh, help Mr.
Link with the final processing, please.
Of course.
Thank you.
Ah, as regards the seating, should we anticipate many mourners? I like to think so, yes.
Mostly lovely young ladies, sobbing incontrollably.
Ah, an epitaph.
Have you considered an epitaph? How about "gone to a higher court"? Mr.
Link, you're a devil.
Heh-heh-heh! Well, I think that, uh, covers just about everything, except for the final step.
Thank you.
You know, I had no idea dying could be so entertaining.
The entertainment is just about to begin.
Oh, good.
Heh-heh-heh! Uh, Golo? Uh, anything the matter, gentlemen? Uh, just that final step I mentioned to you before.
You see, very soon, you're gonna put aside this burdensome identity.
In short, you will cease to be Artemus Gordon, secret agent for the United States government.
I just had one of those nagging suspicions that something's gone wrong.
Mr.
Gordon in trouble? Poor lad.
Which jail? Oh, worse than any jail, Rose.
Mr.
Gordon is, uh, in an undertaking establishment.
Last night, he didn't show up.
Anyway, Rose, what I need now is the help I asked you for.
You're on.
What do you want done? And what rascal do you want it done to? Oh, no, Rose.
Nothing like that.
Can you play a grieving widow? Faith.
Me, who hasn't even gotten around to being a wife yet? I wanna locate Lavendor's files, and Rose, I want you to keep him as busy as possible in the front office, while I go around to the back and- And Rose? Huh? I think I just figured out the back door to Lavendor's funeral emporium.
Have you now? There was blood on this poster.
I distinctly remember Artemus rubbing his fingers across it.
Poor Patrick! Me own devoted husband, gone to his untimely reward.
Yes, well, now, dear- What a good and gentle lad he was too, except when he'd had a few.
Uh, madam, I think you should try to- I do believe I'm going to faint.
No, don't.
Everything is going dark.
Finley! Bring some water! Ohhh.
Come over here to the sofa, madam, and- Poor poor Patrick.
He's gone.
Ohhh! Throw water on her.
Artie, you in there? Jim? Glad you could make it.
Ahem.
Don't worry, Artie, I'll get you out.
Don't wait too long.
I'm scheduled for an early departure.
Gotta find those files.
Any clues? The chapel.
Try there.
Right.
Artie, don't go away.
Oh! Poor Sean.
He's dead.
I thought you said his name was Patrick.
Oh? Oh! Oh, uh Uh, well, Patrick's me husband, and Sean's me- Me brother.
They were both in the same accident.
Oh.
What a terrible double loss.
Terrible.
Terrible! Terrible! Yes, madam, you- Get some smelling salts! Quickly.
We've gotta get her out of here.
What? Well, search the entire place.
Go on! Enough.
I'm- I'm all right now.
Good.
I'm sorry, madam, but you'll have to leave at once.
Ah.
But what about me- Me dear departed ones? Yes, well, try some funeral parlor that specializes in hysterics.
See if I ever bring you any more business, you- You glorified taxidermist! What's the matter with you? Eh? What's the matter with you? Oh yeah.
You better quit sampling that formaldehyde.
You hear me? I've changed my mind.
I thought it all over, and I want my money back.
Oh, I'm afraid that'll be impossible, Mr.
Gordon.
You see, you're going to be doubly useful now.
As it happens, we have an order for a body exactly your size.
Mm-hmm.
You mean I'm subbing for some crook at his funeral? Yes.
Exactly.
Your last official act will be to provide a new life for a vicious criminal.
I hope you find that as amusing as I do.
Oh, yes, I can hardly keep from laughing.
Uh, Finley, bring Mr.
Gordon's coffin now.
Here we are.
Mm-hm.
And now, Mr.
Gordon goodbye.
What took you so long? I was kinda cozy in there.
Must have dozed off.
You weren't worried, were you? Because I was being strangled? Of course not.
It's going to be quiet around here now.
We better take a look at Lavendor's files.
You mean you found them? Not only did I find them, I did some browsing on my own, and I found that the old boy has been blackmailing his customers too.
Well nice of him to keep these up-to-date.
Yes, very thoughtful.
About the only detail left out is where Antille is headed.
And I'll be glad to supply that data.
It occurred to me that I might find you and your colleague here.
That's not a very good disguise, Antille.
It has proved adequate so far, and anyone who might question it will very soon be dead.
Into the other room.
Quickly.
You two did a remarkable job.
Too bad it has to be spoiled at the last moment.
Now I know how you managed to stay one jump ahead of us: the devoted Señora Pellargo.
Devoted to Mr.
Antille.
Well, you should know, gentlemen, a woman never does anything for political reasons.
I'm delighted to see you, Antille.
Now I want you to shoot these two men.
Get rid of them now.
Precisely why I returned.
You see, gentlemen, in my job, loose ends are not only messy, but also dangerous.
How do you feel about blackmail? Don't believe him, Antille.
What do you mean, blackmail? I mean, that quaint little operation that, uh, Mr.
Lavendor has been running at the expense of his clients.
He's the most imaginative liar I've ever met in my life.
I wouldn't- Antille, now, don't believe him.
Now- Now, wait a minute, now.
The truth is, I may have dabbled a little bit.
The files, they were there.
Why not? It didn't matter.
It was something on the side.
But with yours, never.
Never, Antille.
Now, don't do it.
Don't do it.
All right, gentlemen, throw the records down.
Let's have a nice, big blazing bonfire, shall we? Darling strike a match.
No, wait.
Wait.
Let's make it a big blaze.
Mr.
West throw alcohol over those records.
Oh! Oh.
Just how long did you expect me to wait out there in the carriage for you? Rose, please.
No violence.
Well, Rose, thanks to you we'll be rounding up a lot of infamous criminals.
And there'll be a reward for helping capture Antille and the Lavendor gang.
Ah, it'll be reward enough for me to get the proper Christian headstone over me father.
I do feel like celebrating that.
Good.
Then tonight, when you finish work- Uh, he took the words out from between my very teeth.
You're a fine pair of lads, the both of you.
But I've already got an engagement.
Oh, but, Rose, consider.
We're not mere men we're men of the law and justice.
And here comes me boyfriend now.
That's what I call a lawman.
I'll, uh- I'll drink to that, Rose.
Welcome to Wickenberg, sir.
Well, good morning, James.
Hi, Artie.
Anything happening? Oh, same old thing.
Just a different town.
Thank you.
As I was saying, Colonel Pellargo, welcome to Wickenberg.
You're very capable.
Your name? My name is James West, and this is my partner Artemus Gordon.
Assigned to me by your government? That's right, sir.
I approve.
I trust you will forgive my men.
They were only trying to keep me from being murdered.
Well, if that's what I had on my mind, I could have murdered you easily.
And if you had, Mr.
West, there'd be no harm done, would there? A double, or should I say a lightning rod? If you prefer.
But a lightning rod who is handsomely paid for the risks he takes.
Very ingenious.
You had me fooled.
Pellargo has many people fooled, Mr.
West, which is why Pellargo is still listed among the living, eh? Sir? Your Excellency? Fifteen minutes is all I can give you.
Work fast and efficiently.
Yes, sir, Your Excellency.
Yes, sir.
An old custom in my country: A portrait of its ruler to be distributed amongst the people.
As a substitute for bread? I like you, Mr.
West.
You say what you think.
My country, alas, is poor.
We cannot afford both portraits and bread.
So your people get portraits.
Why not? My people are completely dedicated to two basic objectives.
The first is eking out a wretched hand-to-mouth existence, and the second- Trying to assassinate you.
From time to time, yes.
I'm a reasonable man.
I'm willing to grant them the first, but never the second.
Hold it, sir.
Hold it.
Where'd he go? He disappeared into thin air or thick walls.
He was kind enough to leave a souvenir behind, complete with bloodstains.
Ah.
Good evening, Mr.
Antille.
You're a few moments late.
My arm is hurting.
Yes, well, I can see you've got a wound there, and I'll take care of it for you.
Uh, the blood.
Uh, don't drop it on the carpet because it gives the mourners a very bad impression.
Um, will you follow me, please? Oh, uh, you just, uh, sit down here on the table, will you, please? It's not a very comfortable table, but then, very few of my clients complain about it.
Now Oh, it hurts, does it? Yes.
Well, let me see that.
Well, you're very fortunate, you know.
That's just a flesh wound.
We'll have that taken care of right away.
There.
I trust you accomplished your mission tonight, hmm? I always do.
Why should this job be an exception? Heh-heh-heh! Well, very good, very good.
Very good.
Congratulations.
Well, that being done, I suppose it remains now only for me to fulfill the little service that you and I contracted for, eh? The agent guarding Pellargo came after me.
I suppose they'll soon be searching the whole area.
Uh, yes.
I anticipated that.
And so we have accommodations provided for you right here.
I'll show you.
Here you have our slumber wall.
Ooh, sorry, old boy.
Occupied.
Voilà , as they say in Paris, France.
Must it be there? Oh, well, really, this is the safest place, you know, in case of a search.
And our other guests will never disturb your rest.
She wheeled a wheelbarrow Through the streets Broad and narrow Singing cockles and mussels Alive, alive, oh She was a fishmonger And sure 'twas no wonder For her father and mother Were fishmongers too Now, they wheeled Their wheelbarrow Through streets Broad and narrow Singing Cockles and mussels Alive, alive Oh Alive Oh There was no reason for you to come to me, Señora Pellargo.
I would have gladly come to you.
I wanted to walk.
Walls in my room were beginning to close in on me.
What did you wish to see me about? I've been entrusted to deliver this telegram to you from the president of the United States.
An official expression of sorrow? Sympathy? Heartfelt condolences? Am I correct? Will that bring back my husband or bring his murderer to justice? I'm sorry, señora, but you might be interested to know we've identified your husband's murderer.
Who is he? Claudio Antille, assassin, courtesy of Washington's file of international wanted criminals.
Portrait of a murderer.
The United States has been made to look responsible for your husband's death.
How is it possible that this man has accomplished what he set out to do? Antille is, in his own way, very capable.
Think of his preparation.
He arrived only two months ago, set up his shop as a photographer under an assumed name.
And then he waited patiently until- Oh, excuse me, señora.
Can I see you for a minute, Jim? What is it? Antille? He's been found.
Oh, thank heaven.
What does a murderer say when he is caught? In this case, nothing.
He's dead.
Are you sure you feel up to this? I want to do it.
It'll be painful.
So was the loss of my husband.
I want to see his murderer.
Ah, good day.
Can I be of assistance to you in your hour of sadness? Are you in charge here? Yes, I'm Fabian Lavendor, the director.
You have a body here presumed to be that of Claudio Antille.
Oh, yes, that one.
Yes, we have him here.
How does he happen to be here? Well, that was irregular, but the men who found him simply said this was the nearest available place, so I could hardly turn them away.
I notified the police very soon after.
Who brought him in? They were two laborers.
They declined to give their names.
And I have no authority to force that kind of information.
They left rather quickly before I had a chance to discover the bullet wound in the departed.
You made the identification? Yes, from some papers in the coat and a- A letter.
I'll get them for you.
Uh, are you and madam related to the deceased? The, uh, señora is the widow of the man Antille killed.
Oh, I see.
Well, I'm- I'm very sorry.
My sympathies, and if I can be of professional service to the señora, why- It's been taken care of, thank you.
May we see the body, please? Of course.
He's reposing right here in the chapel, so if you'll step this way.
So that's the monster.
Could you please take care of the señora for a moment? Yes, of course.
Come this way, señora.
We've got some smelling salts.
Oh, no more, please.
I'm quite all right now.
I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, but I had to be positive.
I'll have to keep these papers.
Yes, of course.
About the financial I'll see that the government reimburses you.
Fine.
Mm-hmm.
Sorry, old boy.
I had hoped to send you off with a little pomp and ceremony, however Artemus Gordon.
There.
Case closed and report completed.
Sign on the dotted line, Jim.
Something still bothers me.
Like what? I don't know exactly.
I still keep wondering how Antille got out of that blind alley.
What difference does it make? He's dead.
Wonder why.
Well, the coroner's report says because of unseemly familiarity with a bullet.
Our job's finished.
Is it? Look, what's eating you, Jim? Antille killed Pellargo.
He tried to kill you, then me, finally wound up as your target.
What if it wasn't Antille's body in that coffin? How could it not be? You recognized his face, didn't you? I did.
His wallet and papers are authentic.
The scars on his body match the description in the dossier, ditto the cuff link I found.
Everything you say is correct.
Well, then what more do you want? I wanna check the missing persons file.
All right, Jim, now it's my turn to ask.
Why? Because, Artie, things aren't always what they seem to be.
Look here, Lavendor, I've been going out of my mind.
Oh, now, now, now, you mustn't do that, Mr.
Antille.
We must avoid that at all costs.
These mummy wrappings, how much longer do I have to wear them? Well, not any longer, Mr.
Antille, I'm happy to tell you.
You mean you're going to take them off now? Yes, that's exactly what I mean.
Now, if you'll seat yourself in that chair.
Please, go ahead.
I'm going to remove these wrappings, and unveil the new you.
Now Here we are.
Wait.
What if I don't like the new me? Ah, well, I'm afraid you have no choice.
I mean to say, the old you is wanted by the police for murder.
Mm-hm.
Yes, you're- You're right, of course.
I- I just got panicked there for a moment.
Well, it's perfectly normal, I assure you.
I had a client once, an Albanian knife artist who was wanted for multiple murders.
Why, he broke down and wept uncontrollably at the very moment that you're facing now.
And? Oh, happy ending.
Fell in love with the new face I provided for him.
He became a distinguished importer in Cairo, traveled widely with the best circle.
He even sent me a few clients.
Now one moment.
I don't believe it.
I'm a different person.
Uh, you are Charles Kobles Stevens, to be precise, a dealer in lithographs and etchings.
Uh, now, I have here your papers: identification, passport, steamship tickets.
You're to leave the country within three days.
Well, it's fantastic.
Mr.
Lavendor, you're a real artist.
Why Oh, uh, Golo.
I don't believe you've met, eh, Golo.
He's in charge of field operations, that is to say, the acquisition of bodies.
It was he who recognized the suitability of the double that we, uh, a- acquired for you.
You did a wonderful job.
Who was he? Uh, who? The double.
Oh, his name was Toby Murphy, a man who'll never be missed, an obscure kind of a carousing Irishman.
Mmm.
That's telling 'em.
Whoa, happy chappers.
You think this is the place? Could there be another like it? Sure, now, two fine gentlemen like yourselves will be wanting a private booth, I'll bet? Oh, pick up the jackpot, Colleen.
You win.
Take the one over there, and I'll be along in two shakes.
Well how'd you ever find a nice, quiet little pub like this? Beginner's luck.
There now.
That'll keep you from dying of thirst while you decide on what you'd like to drink.
Thank you, Rose.
Oh, do I know you? I could have sworn I never forget a face, especially such nice faces as the both of your own.
No, we haven't met, Rose.
We're here about the missing persons report you filed on your father.
Do you know where himself has gone? No, but we'd like to help you find him.
Federal- Federal government, is it? Oh, I had no idea me father was that important.
Well, it could turn out that he is.
How long has he been missing? Four days now.
Dropped out of sight like a stone in a bog.
Well, did he do that often, just not show up? Never for any longer than it took him to find his way home again.
A day or so at most.
Have you any recent pictures of your father? Ha, ha! No.
He always tells me, "It's a waste of money when you've got meself to look at all the while.
" We've got the description you filed with the report.
Is there anything you'd care to add, anything that might help us with the identification? Scars, marks? There was one little thing I didn't put in the report, for no one could ever notice.
But he's missing the little toe on his right foot.
Is he, now? How did that happen? At the St.
Patrick's Day festival two years ago.
A random beer keg happened to fall on his foot.
At the time, he hardly noticed.
We want Rose.
Oh.
Going, are you? You should stay.
The place livens up a little bit later in the evening.
It's a shame we have to miss it, but, uh- We have to visit an old friend minus one toe.
Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest.
Artie.
Over here.
All right, Jim.
Let's settle this Murphy-Antille body-switch theory of yours right now.
Artie.
Well, that was careless of 'em, leaving the door open like that.
Wasn't it? Well, four toes, which proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's Toby Murphy.
Here.
Forget the lock pick, Artie.
It's jammed.
I don't suppose there's any doubt about it.
No, Rose.
I'm sorry.
None.
Sure.
That's just like the old man.
He used to cage drinks by pretending to be the Lord Mayor of Dublin.
Now he's impersonated himself into the wrong grave.
There's more to it than that, Rose.
I don't know how it happened.
I promise I'm gonna find out.
I don't suppose there was a wake.
No.
Oh! Well, that's a sad thought.
He He always wanted a grand wake, a- A four-alarm riot of a wake.
Oh, he'll be sorry to have missed that.
Rose, I may need your help in this investigation, and it may mean some danger to you.
Oh, I don't mind that.
And what about a headstone? Is the old man going to go through eternity with the wrong name over his head? We'll arrange for the kind of headstone that he would have approved of after the case is cleared up.
In the meantime, it's an absolute necessity that you don't mention this to a soul.
Fabian Lavendor, proprietor, at your service.
Oh I would like to arrange a funeral.
Oh, certainly.
Certainly.
Is the, uh, need immediate? Very pressing.
I see.
I see.
A member of the family, hmm? Someone, eh, very close to me.
Oh, too bad.
Too bad.
Well, please accept my sincere condolences.
If you'd care to be seated, why, we could discuss the various arrangements possible.
I would prefer to examine your facilities as we talk, if you don't mind.
Oh, fine.
Fine.
Well, you're standing in our chapel here at the moment.
You'll notice the decor is nondenominational.
It's- Oh, incidentally, what, eh, denomination is the deceased? He's not dead yet.
Oh, I-I thought you said- Very soon.
Oh, very soon.
Yeah, well, in that case, the, uh, prospective client, uh Uh, is of the masculine gender? Yes.
Does it matter? Oh, no.
No, not at all.
It's just that, uh, members of the gentler sex, bless their dear memories, they just require more extensive preparation.
Even in final repose, you know, appearance is a primary concern.
The rest of your facilities, if you don't mind? Yes, fine.
Fine.
If you just step this way, why, I'll show you to our slumber room.
Thank you.
Eh.
Mm-hm.
Very nice little workshop.
Well, my staff hasn't arrived yet.
Otherwise, I could show you some of the technical functions that we perform, or are you interested in that sort of thing at all? Oh, profoundly.
Oh.
Well, I can assure you that everything will be done that can be done to provide for a glorious life in the hereafter.
I am far more concerned with a glorious life in the here and now.
Uh, perhaps we ought to be just a little bit more specific about the client.
I mean to say, who is he? Oh, that's an interesting face.
Friend or relative or, uh? Take a close look at me.
Well, lookie here.
Very neat.
Very effective.
Well, of course, Mr.
Link, I could simply notify the police.
Well, you could, of course, also lose a lovely, fat fee.
Who sent you? Oh, no.
No, the contact who recommended you swore me to secrecy.
Eh, quite understandably, he'd prefer that his present identity remain unknown.
Yeah, well, I can't quite swallow that, Mr.
Link- I'll tell you why.
- because I keep rather- Rather extensive files on all my alterations, so I'd have to know who he was, wouldn't I? Ah.
Yeah.
So, uh, I ask you once again, who sent you to me? Well, I'm sorry, but, uh I promised my friend that I wouldn't mention his name, but, uh I'm quite sure that, uh, you know him by his nickname.
I never had any client with a nick- Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
You couldn't mean Jim, could you? Jim the dodger? Oh, ho-ho, you're a clever man, Mr.
Lavendor.
Jim the dodger.
Well He still running Liverpool to suit himself? The best.
Señora Pellargo.
You're leaving? Is there any reason for me to stay here, of all places? I wish to continue my husband's work and to work for his political party and try to repair the damage that has been done to relations between our two countries by his death.
Now, that's a very courageous plan, señora, but have you thought about the personal danger involved? Your husband's dedication to certain objectives got him killed.
Well, that was the act of a single misguided fanatic.
That man is dead.
What if I were to tell you that Claudio Antille is not dead? Oh Well, that's absurd.
I saw his body with my own eyes.
So did you.
I think we were both deceived, señora.
I hope to prove in a few days there was a conspiracy to fake his death.
Till then, I'd like to provide a guard for you as long as you're here.
Oh, no.
Thank you.
He would just be in my way.
But señora I would prefer to hear no more about it, Mr.
West.
Good day, señora.
I have a dreadful feeling your nosy Mr.
West is going to force me to kill him.
You brought the money? In small bills, as requested.
Mm-hmm.
Mmm.
All right.
This way.
Now Ah! Will you step this way, please, Mr.
Link? Well, thank you.
You know, I'm really quite impressed.
It's much quicker service than I expected.
Ha, ha! Well, we aim to satisfy.
Now, would you remove your outer garments? Finley, uh, help Mr.
Link with the final processing, please.
Of course.
Thank you.
Ah, as regards the seating, should we anticipate many mourners? I like to think so, yes.
Mostly lovely young ladies, sobbing incontrollably.
Ah, an epitaph.
Have you considered an epitaph? How about "gone to a higher court"? Mr.
Link, you're a devil.
Heh-heh-heh! Well, I think that, uh, covers just about everything, except for the final step.
Thank you.
You know, I had no idea dying could be so entertaining.
The entertainment is just about to begin.
Oh, good.
Heh-heh-heh! Uh, Golo? Uh, anything the matter, gentlemen? Uh, just that final step I mentioned to you before.
You see, very soon, you're gonna put aside this burdensome identity.
In short, you will cease to be Artemus Gordon, secret agent for the United States government.
I just had one of those nagging suspicions that something's gone wrong.
Mr.
Gordon in trouble? Poor lad.
Which jail? Oh, worse than any jail, Rose.
Mr.
Gordon is, uh, in an undertaking establishment.
Last night, he didn't show up.
Anyway, Rose, what I need now is the help I asked you for.
You're on.
What do you want done? And what rascal do you want it done to? Oh, no, Rose.
Nothing like that.
Can you play a grieving widow? Faith.
Me, who hasn't even gotten around to being a wife yet? I wanna locate Lavendor's files, and Rose, I want you to keep him as busy as possible in the front office, while I go around to the back and- And Rose? Huh? I think I just figured out the back door to Lavendor's funeral emporium.
Have you now? There was blood on this poster.
I distinctly remember Artemus rubbing his fingers across it.
Poor Patrick! Me own devoted husband, gone to his untimely reward.
Yes, well, now, dear- What a good and gentle lad he was too, except when he'd had a few.
Uh, madam, I think you should try to- I do believe I'm going to faint.
No, don't.
Everything is going dark.
Finley! Bring some water! Ohhh.
Come over here to the sofa, madam, and- Poor poor Patrick.
He's gone.
Ohhh! Throw water on her.
Artie, you in there? Jim? Glad you could make it.
Ahem.
Don't worry, Artie, I'll get you out.
Don't wait too long.
I'm scheduled for an early departure.
Gotta find those files.
Any clues? The chapel.
Try there.
Right.
Artie, don't go away.
Oh! Poor Sean.
He's dead.
I thought you said his name was Patrick.
Oh? Oh! Oh, uh Uh, well, Patrick's me husband, and Sean's me- Me brother.
They were both in the same accident.
Oh.
What a terrible double loss.
Terrible.
Terrible! Terrible! Yes, madam, you- Get some smelling salts! Quickly.
We've gotta get her out of here.
What? Well, search the entire place.
Go on! Enough.
I'm- I'm all right now.
Good.
I'm sorry, madam, but you'll have to leave at once.
Ah.
But what about me- Me dear departed ones? Yes, well, try some funeral parlor that specializes in hysterics.
See if I ever bring you any more business, you- You glorified taxidermist! What's the matter with you? Eh? What's the matter with you? Oh yeah.
You better quit sampling that formaldehyde.
You hear me? I've changed my mind.
I thought it all over, and I want my money back.
Oh, I'm afraid that'll be impossible, Mr.
Gordon.
You see, you're going to be doubly useful now.
As it happens, we have an order for a body exactly your size.
Mm-hmm.
You mean I'm subbing for some crook at his funeral? Yes.
Exactly.
Your last official act will be to provide a new life for a vicious criminal.
I hope you find that as amusing as I do.
Oh, yes, I can hardly keep from laughing.
Uh, Finley, bring Mr.
Gordon's coffin now.
Here we are.
Mm-hm.
And now, Mr.
Gordon goodbye.
What took you so long? I was kinda cozy in there.
Must have dozed off.
You weren't worried, were you? Because I was being strangled? Of course not.
It's going to be quiet around here now.
We better take a look at Lavendor's files.
You mean you found them? Not only did I find them, I did some browsing on my own, and I found that the old boy has been blackmailing his customers too.
Well nice of him to keep these up-to-date.
Yes, very thoughtful.
About the only detail left out is where Antille is headed.
And I'll be glad to supply that data.
It occurred to me that I might find you and your colleague here.
That's not a very good disguise, Antille.
It has proved adequate so far, and anyone who might question it will very soon be dead.
Into the other room.
Quickly.
You two did a remarkable job.
Too bad it has to be spoiled at the last moment.
Now I know how you managed to stay one jump ahead of us: the devoted Señora Pellargo.
Devoted to Mr.
Antille.
Well, you should know, gentlemen, a woman never does anything for political reasons.
I'm delighted to see you, Antille.
Now I want you to shoot these two men.
Get rid of them now.
Precisely why I returned.
You see, gentlemen, in my job, loose ends are not only messy, but also dangerous.
How do you feel about blackmail? Don't believe him, Antille.
What do you mean, blackmail? I mean, that quaint little operation that, uh, Mr.
Lavendor has been running at the expense of his clients.
He's the most imaginative liar I've ever met in my life.
I wouldn't- Antille, now, don't believe him.
Now- Now, wait a minute, now.
The truth is, I may have dabbled a little bit.
The files, they were there.
Why not? It didn't matter.
It was something on the side.
But with yours, never.
Never, Antille.
Now, don't do it.
Don't do it.
All right, gentlemen, throw the records down.
Let's have a nice, big blazing bonfire, shall we? Darling strike a match.
No, wait.
Wait.
Let's make it a big blaze.
Mr.
West throw alcohol over those records.
Oh! Oh.
Just how long did you expect me to wait out there in the carriage for you? Rose, please.
No violence.
Well, Rose, thanks to you we'll be rounding up a lot of infamous criminals.
And there'll be a reward for helping capture Antille and the Lavendor gang.
Ah, it'll be reward enough for me to get the proper Christian headstone over me father.
I do feel like celebrating that.
Good.
Then tonight, when you finish work- Uh, he took the words out from between my very teeth.
You're a fine pair of lads, the both of you.
But I've already got an engagement.
Oh, but, Rose, consider.
We're not mere men we're men of the law and justice.
And here comes me boyfriend now.
That's what I call a lawman.
I'll, uh- I'll drink to that, Rose.