TripTank (2014) s02e11 Episode Script

1 [sighs.]
Bald guys are hot.
Hey, ladies.
- Hot guys are hot.
- Aww.
Looks like this guy's all washed up.
We have a white male, 35 years old, blunt force trauma.
Here's something interesting.
The victim either doesn't wear a watch, or his watch is missing.
Well, then I guess it's time to solve a murder.
Yes! Yes! Hello, TripTank.
- Hey, TripTank.
How you doing? - Oh, pretty good.
I'm down at the beach investigating a grisly murder.
Oh, shoot, man, you know what? I gotta put you on hold.
Sure.
No problem.
Hello? Are you just singing into the phone? - Uh, no, you're on hold.
- Oh, oh.
Okay.
Beep! Oh, hey, man, I'm back.
Sorry about that.
Thanks for waiting.
Oh, no problem.
Is there anything I can do for you? Eat a dick! You suck! Mm-hmm.
Yep.
Probably should've seen that coming.
Haha, yeah! We are gonna grab this water park by the balls.
This place is awesome.
I don't know why we've never been here before.
Guys, I have our whole day mapped out.
There won't be a single minute that we're not either sliding or eating.
It's like we've always dreamed.
- Hey, does it matter that I can't swim? - Oh, my God, look! I know, Dreadlock Falls is right next to the all-you-can-eat Jamaican-me nachos shack! - It's perfect.
- No, over there! Gary.
What the hell's he doing at a water park? He knows we always come here.
Aww, let's go home.
The day is ruined.
It's ruined! No, no, wait.
Guys, do you know what this is? - No.
- What? This is a perfect opportunity for the three of us to pull a little prank on Gary.
- Oh, yeah, wet revenge.
- Slippery style.
Now, Donnie, you might look a little funny with zinc on your nose, but remember: This is not a fashion show, it's a water park, and we do not wanna tangle with Mr.
Melanoma.
Ugh, come on, Dad! Nope, nope, you always need to be aware - of the situation you're in.
- So lame.
All right, listen close.
Here's the plan.
Step one: When Gary gets into the lazy river, the three of us wait downstream and pee in it.
Wait, won't the lifeguards see us? Yeah, we'll be kicked out for sure.
No, I found a blind spot near Reggae Reef.
We'll be totally unseen.
- Yes.
- Awesome.
After Gary floats through the cloud of urine, he's gonna want to rinse off at the outdoor showers.
Matt? I wait by the showers, and I pee in his face.
No, disguised as a maintenance worker, you turn off all the hot water.
The freezing cold shower will shrink Gary's penis to the size of a grain of rice.
- Andy, you're dressed as a trash collector.
- And I pee all over him! No, you stand next to him and loudly recommend The Insane Bolt 100 Meter Plunge, - the fastest water slide in the park.
- Got it.
When he gets to the top of the slide, I'll be playing the role of super hunky lifeguard.
- And you'll pee on him! - Pee on him! No, I instruct him to ride the plunge headfirst.
- Why? - Yeah, why? Because that'll yank his swimsuit clean off that's why! And when his ride photo gets projected on the park's Jah-umbotron, everyone will see Gary's teeny-tiny, - cold-shower micropenis! - From earlier! Right, and Gary will finally learn what it means to suck it.
I be jammin', mon I be feelin' irie all day long I be jammin' Oh, here he comes, here he comes! All right, everybody get your dicks out.
Yes, this is awesome! We're doing it.
We're really doing it! Focus! This is only step one of my five-part - Wha! - Oh, my gosh, Dana, I'm coming! I I've got him.
I got him.
He's too heavy! He's pulling me down! Oh, my God, guys, I'll save you I can't swim! I don't know how to swim! I don't know Feelin' irie all day Ooh, a nice little warm spot here in the river.
Smells like asparagus? Suck it, Gary Oh, hi.
It's been a while.
How have you been? I'm good.
How are you? I've been good, and congratulations! When are you due? - I'm not pregnant.
- Oh.
Excuse me.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, we thank you, Great Spirit, for this buffalo.
We will honor your power and grace, Brother Buffalo, by using every part of your body.
Great Spirit, I will claim his horns, and I will use them to fashion weapons for hunting beasts and defending my family.
Great Spirit, I will shear his fur to make blankets and keep my children warm.
Great Spirit, I will cut his meat to make Hold on! Who's taking his anus? - Has anyone called dibs? - Uh, not yet, Sweating Ferret, no.
So, anyway, Great Spirit, I will cut his meat - to make food for the - Well, I mean, someone should take it.
Because the anus, I mean, someone should take the anus.
You don't want it to go to waste.
Yeah, we'll we'll get there, Sweating Ferret.
- We always do.
- But, uh, yeah.
Great Spirit, I'm gonna cut his meat Okay, forget it.
I'll take it! I'll take the anus.
Frankly, I'm just sick of hearing about it.
Great.
We got it.
Going once, going twice, sold, to me! The anus is mine! - Okay.
- Do we have to do this every time? Da-da-da-da! Okay.
Great Spirit, I will Great Spirit, I will take the anus.
And I will do nothing with the anus.
- Great Spirit - Okay, I have to get going.
- You gotta [bleep.]
be kidding me.
- Looks like you guys have this all figured out.
Bye! - Oh, by the way, if you need me - We won't! If you do, I'll be in my teepee, with the buffalo anus, of course, doing nothing.
Whole lot of nothing.
Knock first, just in case.
Mmm, that meal was so good.
This place has authentic Cantonese cuisine.
Oh, it must be authentic.
The fortune cookies are written in Chinese.
Ed, can you read Chinese? I'm Korean, and I was born in Detroit.
Oh.
Oh, I didn't I didn't realize.
I'm so sorry! Well, this is just terribly offensive.
Damn it, we're out of leads! I know, man, all we found on his person was some gummy bears wrapped in a wet wipe, this list of enemies, and this receipt for a snow cone, - but the tip is calculated wrong.
- It just doesn't add up! - Hello, TripTank.
- It's TripTank? Come on, this is the best show in the world.
- Oh, wow, thanks.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Your show is so good, man.
I-It's like my favorite, and it doesn't suck at all.
Wow, that's great.
That's really nice to hear.
I love it.
I just, I love I love it so much, because TripTank is just so wonderful, and it's just a great privilege to be able to talk to you stupid assholes.
- Uh, what? - Eat a dick, you suck! God damn it! Thank you for rescuing me, beautiful teenage lifeguard.
I didn't rescue you.
You guys fell into the lazy river blind spot.
- We never even saw you.
- How are we still alive? That man over there.
He saved your life, mon.
He saved all your lives, mon.
I love you, Dad! You're my hero! No, Donnie, the real hero is situational awareness - and our old friend sunscreen.
- Gary saved our lives? No! Wow, that was unexpected.
I can't wait to see how the guys get Gary back for this.
Just shut up and pass the ganja, ya ol' white devil.
Suck it, Gary Hello, little man.
It's time to dream.
You are finally an athlete, the star quarterback on the football team And you are about to throw the biggest pass of your life.
"Hut-hut," you say.
And as you reach down to grab the football, you realize that your father, the man you admire the most, is the center, hiking you the ball.
But he doesn't have a ball in his hand.
He only has his balls in his hand.
And he slowly passes them back to you through his legs, and as you reach to grab them Aww.
Girl, how many times I tell you not to bother me at work? Girl, let a dream wizard do his thing! - Oh, my God, that's - Shh! I was at the best part! I was about to tell him that Wesley Snipes is gonna kill him in his sleep.
Go to sleep, now.
Three aliens came from the sky The galactic council sent them And here's the reason why Their mission is to study Earth's most average guy To see if humans are worth saving Or if everyone has to die Wait, what? And then she bailed on me this weekend! She did? She's flakier than, like, a piece of baklava.
Oh, shut up, shut up! No way everything she's saying is that funny! But yeah, I'd love to come.
Who are we seeing? John Mayer.
Oh, well, as long as we're going together.
I want to run through the halls of my high school All right, that's it! not making any sound out of my mouth! Okay, Ioh.
Oh, my God.
Now there's sound! What's going on? This thing's pretty cool, huh? Check it out.
Sound - Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Stop doing - No sound.
- Sound.
- Come on.
- That's not something - No s Delta five - Sound! - You better stop it right now, or I swear to God, I'm gonna stup [bleep.]
moron - God damn it! - Oh, wow! This thing right here is insanely dangerous, and nobody should ever use it again, under any circumstances.
Next up, I'm just gonna noodle and jam - for 15 minutes! - Whoo! And Yes! - Hello, this is TripTank.
- I'm the killer.
I'm the one you've been looking for.
I killed that guy on the beach.
Guys, I've got the killer on the phone.
- I've got him on the phone! - If you want the killing to stop, you must do exactly what I say.
- What are your demands, damn it? - Eat a dick! You suck! Damn it, Steve.
Another lead go cold on you there, brother? Yeah, that guy's burned me, like, three times now.
Oh, yeah, well, come get a load of this mess.
His blood work came back negative for barbiturates, lyme disease, and semen, so I cut his chest open.
- What'd you find? - That it's super gross in there.
What's all that chunky gravy by his liver? - The rest of his liver.
- Oh, and these? My watch and my car keys.
Then I guess it's time we hit the road.
So I guess we'd be dead if Gary didn't I don't want to talk about it.
He must have, uh, given us mouth-to I don't want to talk about it! Wait, I just got a totally original prank idea.
Matt, back to the park.
I know we parked around here somewhere.
Now, see, I can hear it, but what direction is that coming from? Suck it, suck it, suck it! - Suck it, Gary! Whoo! - Suck it, suck it, suck it! Ha ha, yeah! Suck it, Dad! Whoo! What? Donnie! Well, the guys are back on top.
- Triple moon's pretty awesome.
- I'm really glad we follow these guys around all day.
Yeah, well, I'd be glad if you'd stop bogarting that sticky-icky! Suck it, Gary "Did you call the plumbers?" I'm so sorry, everyone! If this perp makes it to the border, it's sayonara, Kemo Sabe! Buckle up, partner.
It's gonna be a bumpy ride.
Here we go.
Car 69, we have an incoming call.
Go ahead and patch 'em in.
Hello, this is TripTank.
Man, let's just [bleep.]
hang, dude.
I mean, let's just hang.
Now's not a good time for me, Kegz.
It's my old college roommate, Kegz.
I think he's drunk.
Like, you're so [bleep.]
important to me, bro.
- Do you Do you realize that? - Yes, Kegz.
No, I realize that.
I'm I'm just kind of in the middle of something - right now, man.
- Only we know what we're about.
Bros know what we're about.
And we go out there, and we take it.
And we just leave it all out there, bro.
You You and me - Kegz, can we please talk about this later? - Get him off the phone, man! It doesn't matter what they say about nothing, bro.
You understand that? It's our time! This is our time, right here.
Yes, it's our time, Kegz.
It's our time.
I've gotta go.
I've gotta go, okay? Whoo, yeah, let's [bleep.]
do this! So this is the new "vibrator.
" Uh, unfortunately, I've lost the instructions, so we'll just have to figure it out.
- Is it working? - Um, maybe you could just try I'm a doctor, for God's sake! I know what I'm doing.
- It's here, right? - No.
- How about that? - No.
- How about that? - No.
Aha! You're feeling it hard now, aren't you, you little jezebel? - I want a divorce.
- Damn it! Wow, $100? Do you know how many hot dogs we could buy with that, Jen? - Also, we'd be like freedom heroes.
- Uh, yeah, Jen, freedom heroes with hunks and, like, a hundred hot dogs.
Let's go catch a turrist.
Manny's pretty brown.
Maybe he's a turrist.
I don't know, he's not, like, wearing a turban, and I'm also pretty sure terrorists don't wear Jesus metal throat ropes.
- Um, you mean a necklace? - Whatever.
Hey, what's up, Beth? I made your favorite churro: butter, gummi bears, sour cream, curry, and hot dog flakes! Ah! Ah! - Go on a date with me later? - Ew, no, you've asked me, like, a million times, and a million times I'm gonna tell you I'm already committed to marrying a hunk, in this order of hunkness: Benedict Cumberbetch, Brad Pett, and Tom Breddy! Now give me my churro! Er.
Mah.
Gerd.
Excuse me, you're under citizen's arrest for terrorism.
God, you weren't even trying to hide it.
How could you guys not tell this guy's a turrist?! I am a Sikh.
I am a man of peace and cell phone accessories.
Yeah Okay.
So I'm just gonna go ahead and knock you out for America and collect my hot dog money.
Don't! Don't! Don't! Security, help! You think security's going to help terrorists? - Beth! - Oh, my God, what do you want? Can't you see I'm busy doing freedom stuff? You've rejected me for the last time! If you don't go to a date with me, no one can! - Ermagerd! - A turrist! He's got a bomb! Ow, it wasn't a real bomb! It was just a bunch of hot dogs and a Tamagotchi.
Uh, okay, that's exactly what a terrorist would say.
Uh, hey, America, you're welcome.
I caught the turrist.
Where's my $100? Beth, please don't turn me to a life of terrorism.
Just go on one date with me.
I'm a pretty cool dude.
Ugh, fine, Manny.
I'll go on a date with you.
You just have to give me all those hot dogs.
I wanna eat 'em.
I'm starving! Mmm! Mmm! Oh! Oh! Oh, ma gerd! I'm blind! I'm blind! Hot dog in my eye! I'm blind! The date is off.
Uh, it's just that your profile said, "Mythical equine, loves to travel.
" - I do love to travel.
- But There are other mythical horses besides unicorns.
I know.
I swear, one of my best friends is a centaur.
Oh, good, that's great.
I guess you can't be a bigot since you're friends with a half horse.
I didn't know I was having dinner with Gandhi.
- That's not really what this is - The horn doesn't even do anything! It's just a phallic ornament! I've got wings.
You know what they do? They make me fly! And anyone who's sitting on me flies! What do what happens when you sit on a unicorn? Your Your view is blocked by a [bleep.]
horn! I'd like to go home now.
You know what? I deserve that.
- Let me Let me fly you home.
- Really? No! No, I'm not gonna fly you home! I am not gonna majestically swoop above the clouds and silhouette us in the goddamn glowing crescent moon! You could've looked like the design on the side of a stoner's van, and you blew it.
- This is why I only date unicorns.
- Is this what you want? Huh? Are you not turned on? I'm a unicorn whose horn gives pepper! Answer my magical questions, and I'll lead you to a big pot of golden [bleep.]
you! - You're going straight to jail, Ashley.
- How'd you know it was me? Well, Ashley, you're the only one on the force with an unhealthy lust for snow cones - and a Bulgari watch lower-back tattoo.
- Get her out of my sight.
- You make me sick! Pigs! - Get her outta here! - Get off me! How dare you? - I bet she has a real tough time - Don't you touch me! - In prison.
Yeah, she's really gonna have to watch her back.
Yes! - Hello, TripTank.
- Eat a dick! You suck! Probably should have seen that coming.
Mmm! Mmm! Oh! Oh! Oh, my gerd, I'm blind! I'm blind! Hot dog in my eye! I'm blind!