Trollied (2011) s02e11 Episode Script

Valco Serves you right.
I'm quite nervous.
You won't beat our prices.
Just stop that now.
If you can get it anywhere cheaper, I'll come round and cook it myself.
Red hot deals.
We've got offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
Loads of 2 for 1's.
Service with a smile.
We have fresh produce.
Delivered daily.
Don't forget the Valco tick.
That way.
Am I getting paid for this? I wasn't ready.
When are you ready? Valco, serves you right.
Valco, serves you right.
Oooh.
62.
63.
64.
65.
66.
What's she doing? Oh sorry, I do apologise Margaret.
Oh don't you worry Gavin, it's quite all right.
I think we're the only normal ones here.
What you on about? You're a proper weirdo! You're the weird one.
You are.
I'm serious, make sure you go at lunch.
It's important.
Yeah, I know.
Spuffing two hundred grand on a house IS important.
Why are you being like that? Like what? Do you know, it's like talking to a child.
Just make sure you go.
Make sure he goes, will ya? Go where? To the vet's? Finally get you spayed? Emma's got me going to the mortgage advisor.
She's seen a house.
Well you've got to live somewhere.
Look at me.
Two hundred pound a month.
Mortgaged up to the eyeballs.
Try a grand a month.
For twenty five years.
Shit the bed.
Who can afford that? You want to build your own.
Really.
Yeah bit of common land, dead of night.
Hod on your back.
Pre-mixed cement.
Shed load of bricks.
Wallop you've got a house.
What's up with you? Nothing.
What's up with you? Nothing.
Sure you're not missing me? What's to miss? I'd say it was a lot to miss.
And when I say a lot.
I mean a lot.
Mmm, seen bigger.
Oh yeah.
Where, Aintree? I need to amend the wage sheets, Gavin.
I mean Dawn Lees is still on here and she moved to Whitstable three years ago.
Is everything all right Gavin? I'm at sixes and sevens, and I dare say eights, Julie.
Whatever's wrong? I can't find a stapler anywhere in this blasted office.
Oh, and Chester died last night.
Gavin, I am so sorry.
How old was he? Forty two.
I mean, dog years, obviously.
Had he been human he'd have been a middle aged man in the prime of life.
Like you, Gavin.
He always wanted to get out.
Every time I answered the door, he'd just nibble, playfully, at my ankles.
Gavin, that needs a butterfly stitch at the very least.
So I answered the door and off he shot, straight under the alloyed wheels of a Subaru Impreza.
Oh Gavin.
I'm inclined to think that it was suicidal.
So definitive were his actions.
They wouldn't let me see the body.
Is it a body if it's an animal? I thought it was carcass.
Leighton? I wasn't asleep! Been burning the candle at both ends, have we? No.
No.
The fire brigade said we're not allowed candles at our house.
I meant, are you sleeping properly? I think I am.
I mean, it's hard to tell when you're asleep if you're doing it properly.
Because it's so dark.
Anyway, can you tidy this lot up? It looks like a pig's lunch box.
This one's from 2010.
We're not a museum you know! No, we're a supermarket, Julie.
Just get it tidied up.
Sorry, madam.
It was incredible.
You know I really couldn't tell she was a man.
Sounds like a near miss, Neville.
That it was, Katie.
She still got my wallet though.
And I had to get myself a new phone.
Hey ho.
Neville, can I have a word? Why certainly, Julie.
As long as the word is dinner.
I need you to go on the tills today.
We're a bit short staffed.
The tills? Wow, I'd love to, thanks Julie! Right, well if you want to follow me I'll show you the ropes.
Wish me luck! Good luck! I'll miss you Promise me you'll write.
No.
What you up to tonight? Tonight? I'm shaving my balls.
What's that look for? For your wank bank.
And don't forget you can get six cans of No Nonsense tuna ends for the price of four.
Ow! What you doing? The baby just booted me.
Aw! Let me feel.
Come on, kick! It's your Aunty Linda.
Give up, you'll frighten it! Ow! It didn't! I don't believe it.
Don't think he likes you.
Y'alright there, Nev? I'm positively raring to go.
I feel like Captain Kirk! Want some till tips? Oh insider secrets? I very much do! Right.
Keep your phone between your legs, then you can text whenever you want.
Whiffs a bit by the end of the day like but Oh, smell that.
No no, I'm all right.
Thing is I don't actually have anyone to text at present.
I could text you couldn't I? "Hi Lisa".
Hiya.
Hello.
Do you need the toilet, Margaret? No.
I've already been twice, thank you.
No I meant, what's with the marching? Oh I'm using my new Paedo-meter.
Pedometer.
It's a present from my niece and she's coming over soon and I need to look like I've used it.
A year and a half in three weeks.
Oh I'll be puffed out.
Oh Gavin, yer snouts.
There you go mate, get old Chester's laughing gear round these little beggars.
Fresh off the pigs' faces.
Thank you Andy.
They might be man's best friend, but give a dog a bag of snouts, he'll rip your arm off for 'em.
Not for the first time You all right, mate? You look like a used johnnie.
Chester's dead.
Oh.
Oh right.
I came down and there was no one there mauling the sofa.
No one eating my Shreddies when my back was turned.
No one barking at BBC Breakfast.
They're like soul mates, dogs.
Look at Greyfriars Bobby.
You know why he sat on his owner's grave all those years? No.
He'd been buried holding the lead.
Too soon? Might have to bear with me, bit of a dodgy conveyor belt I'm afraid.
You, er, "bean" anywhere nice this year? Oh, do you always have fish on Friday? "No I'm having it for the halibut".
Ah um, I don't wish to criticise your board work there Leighton, but you might want to spread them out a bit more.
Like this.
Just, oh It's a lot easier to register when they're spread out, you see.
And it puts a lot less strain on the drawing pins.
See? Can humans fall asleep standing up Gavin? Like giraffes? Well I'm not entirely Why do you ask? Every time I blink I have a little dream.
I just dreamt I was a giraffe because you said giraffe.
Are you all right, Leighton? Yeah, yeah I'm just so very tired, Gavin.
Right Well it's nice that we had this chat.
As you were.
Shouldn't be too much longer.
Ooh Back spasm.
Don't worry, it'll soon pass.
Any minute now.
Move! Move.
Alright, skids? I am, but Billy No Nuts here might be living on the street soon.
Here we go again What's he giving you grief for now? Because I've got to go see a mortgage advisor.
How exciting.
Have you found somewhere? Emma's found a three bedroom house with a garden.
And I think two hundred grand is a bit of a stretch.
Bloody hell.
Yeah, bloody hell.
Does it have to be a three bedroom? Emma wants us to start trying for a Oh right Well, you'll definitely need some balls for that then, eh! Sod it, I'm not going? Ooh, she'll go mad! It needs properly thinking about.
I'm not popping out for my lunch and coming back 200 grand in debt.
Oh, mark this date in your diaries everyone.
For today is the day that Kieran finally grew a pair of nuts.
Right.
Thought I'd you'd let you all know there's a sheet on the notice board, everyone's wages on 'em.
What have they done that for? I have no idea, but Julie's gonna do her nut, man.
Ladies, gents, prepare yourself for a shit storm.
That needs to come down.
I mean I don't want everybody knowing how much more than them I earn.
Jealousy can do terrible things to a man.
Terrible, Terrible things.
You finished? Yeah.
Yeah.
Come on.
, Margaret.
Easy now.
This is how all that bother in Egypt got started.
Is that it? Everyone's just on the same shit pay, aren't they? Julie's on £9.
20 an hour! Management though.
Wouldn't want all that shit, would you? Yeah, having to be a massive tit to everyone eight hours a day.
How are you on £7.
37? Skilled labour.
Skilled at what? Just generally skilled.
I'm sorry you had to see this everybody.
I didn't want everybody knowing that I'm on a wedge more than them, but I've been here years so Oh, would you look at that.
Andy Richmond, £7.
37 an hour.
Same as me! Did they leave a zero off or something? Un-Be-fucking-lievable.
If I find hard core pornography on that board, I will not be accountable for my actions.
You took your time.
Been buying a yacht? What are you talking about? Or is most of your money tied up in property? Who's seen this? Pretty much everyone.
I'm thinking it might be a good idea to take it down.
This is a classified document.
Oh, I've got security clearance for everything classified, right up to the very top.
In the time it took you to say that she just earned a thousand quid.
Oh shut up Sharon! Two thousand.
Just get back to work! All of you! See? Money doesn't buy happiness.
How are you on 3p more than me? I'm more mature than you.
Two decades more mature.
I missed it again! I don't believe it.
Hey! Get off, you.
Get off it right.
That's mine and the baby's! You're depriving me.
Hey come on.
Be careful, you're pregnant! Gavin, this was on the notice board.
It could have started World War Four.
Jumping Josephs, that's where it got to! Please tell me nobody saw this.
I'm sorry, but I don't think there's a member of staff who hasn't seen it.
But I had it in my hand and Oh lord, I must have given it to Leighton.
I'm a bloody idiot! Gavin! I'm sorry you had to hear that Julie but I'm just a ball of rage at the moment, I really am.
Gavin I've never seen you like this.
You're like a wild animal! I might as well hand head office a big whip and just bend over for them.
Oh you shouldn't have to deal with this today.
You're grieving.
I'm not, Julie.
Chester was a dog.
It weren't even my dog it was Barbara's dog.
Had nothing but contempt for me.
Oh, where is that blasted stapler? Why don't you go out with the boys tonight? What boys? I thought all men had friends they called "The boys".
Well I don't.
Well not even through cycling? It's a solitary pursuit.
Maybe I could take you out, cheer you up.
I've heard of this lovely Italian I can't even get satisfactory purchase on this drawer.
Oh! Oh Gavin, I'm so sorry.
The Valco family's just in tatters and it's all my fault, Julie? You'll think of something, Gavin.
You know what they say about a tiger, he's at his most dangerous when he's wounded.
But I mean, just look at that.
It's That is shatter proof, allegedly.
Excuse me, can you tell me where the batteries are please.
Aisle nine.
OK, thank you.
Ah! I can't remember who's the boss out of you two.
It must be the one who earns more.
Who's that again? Oh yeah, that's right, go on have a good laugh.
I tell you, you haven't heard the end of this.
No-one has.
Mate, how long have you worked here? Yeah? Long enough to know when I've been royally shafted.
In the arse.
Bloody shit houses.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Oh god, he'll be in a mood all week now.
It's bad enough at home I know it's none of my business But you and Emma are really good together.
Just cook her a meal tonight.
And tell her what's worrying you.
And she'll respect you for that.
Cook? Yeah.
That's an idea.
Thanks.
No problem.
Just buy us a pint with the £42.
80 a week you earn more than me.
You worked it out? And you're sure this will help me keep me awake? Well it'll keep your eyes open.
Was it really that bad? Julie, I received a bona fide chewing out.
Head office will print "Wanted" posters with my face on it.
But did they agree to pay rises? Well let's just gather the troops together, deliver the news in one fell swoop.
Ah! My eyebrow! Hello everyone, gather round, gather round.
Come on everyone, listen to Gavin please.
Come on.
I know you all saw something today that you weren't supposed to.
Yeah, we're all on bog all money.
Present company excepted, Julie Now it is entirely my fault you all saw that classified information.
In that case you can backdate my pay.
I want £10 an hour, going back to September 1998.
Please, Andrew I won't be back dating anyone's pay No, he certainly won't.
But I shall be going one better than that.
Head office have kindly offered every member of Valco Warrington 1,000 points on their loyalty cards! That's equivalent to £10! I do a third more work than numb-nuts here for the same pay and you're palming me off with make believe money? Please, now can we just put all this behind us? Just think what your points could go towards.
I don't know what an ombudsman does, but I'm going to find out and speak to one about this.
So if you could all go back to work now, that would be marvellous.
Get it through your big, fat head, you and Kieran do the same job and are accordingly rewarded.
Rewards? Oh yeah, we know who gets rewards round here.
Go on, go back to your piles of cash, Oprah.
£132.
37, please.
You keep doing that you'll put your back out.
Oh don't worry, it's nothing a tube of Deep Heat and a long, warm shower won't sort out.
You know, I do sometimes miss having a bath.
You should've just flicked this.
Eh! It'll fly down like shit off a shovel now, Nev.
Lisa, you are a beautiful angel! I know.
I know.
Aaah! Oh, you all right.
Oh no.
You all right? Will you give us that magazine? Yeah.
Thank you very much.
Andy, you've got a face like lightning.
Yeah so would you, Margaret, if your whole life was a lie.
It is.
I don't really take a size 6.
I really take a 5.
I just like roomy shoes.
Your life isn't a lie.
You just earn the same amount as I do.
Get over it.
Earn the same as you but do 33% more work.
How d'you work that one out? In my "one-third-more-superior-than-yours" brain.
I do all the heavy lifting, all the mopping, most of the carrier bag replenishing.
You make me do all that stuff! A third more work than you.
And I'm on the same money.
That means I'm entitled to a third of everything that's yours.
Oh this is making perfect sense, yeah.
On top of my own, I'll eat a third of whatever you eat, how's that? Well you look like you do anyway.
And a third of Emma.
She can be my wife for two and a third days a week.
Thursdays, Fridays, Saturday mornings.
Normal.
Be the best third of a week of her life.
Full on romantic.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure she'll be well into this idea.
And that three bed semi.
I'll move in.
Get on the mortgage.
By all means.
At least then we'll be broke together.
Have you really not got a house, Kieran? You could sleep in Alan's shed.
Thanks, Margaret.
I'll ask Emma, see what she thinks.
Yeah, don't ask her Thursday.
I've got a table booked at The Spice Lounge.
Candles, curry and cuddles.
After that, who knows? Oh, is that all? That's the time Margaret.
It's a watch.
But it hasn't got any fingers! It's a digital watch.
Oh that's right, my present was the watch.
They bought Alan the paedo-meter.
Oh what a to do! I do not get paid enough for this.
Leighton.
Don't hurt me! I've been a good girl.
Oh, it's all right, I think you were dreaming.
Listen, you know you can't just fall asleep at work.
It's not the done thing.
I didn't mean to Gavin.
I just couldn't keep awake.
I've never had to work so long before.
I don't follow What's that for? You.
Me? I can't drink wine.
Do you not remember last time? I copped off with a bloke wearing slip-ons.
Anyway, what you buying me wine for? What I earn more than you.
Split the difference.
Aw! Come here you mad head.
Ah! I felt it! Yeah.
It's your Aunty Linda! Oh you've definitely woken it up now Leighton, Monday day, Monday night, Tuesday day, Tuesday night, Wednesday day.
Have you been here for three days and nights?! I don't know.
I did notice it got light and dark outside a few times.
Does that usually happen? You can be certified clinically insane after 3 days with no sleep.
Didn't it even occur to you that you don't even work nights? Well it was on the rota.
And Julie said when I started here, that whatever the rota said, was when I had to work.
Clearly there's been a misprint, Leighton.
And no, we don't just do what the rotas tell us.
We've got to be in charge of our own destiny.
Charge our own density.
Right, just go home, Leighton.
Off you go, go and get some sleep.
Thanks boss.
Night night.
Yeah, sleep tight.
Ah! He-hey! Look, truce.
How's about we get a drink.
My shout.
You'd have to buy three for every two I buy.
I'll buy all of them, how's that? Oh yeah, don't try and buy me off just cos I've got dibs on your Emma.
Oh, Emma.
Oh actually mate, we're going to have to put that drink on ice.
I've got explaining to do.
Ah looks like a rung's come off your property ladder, eh? She is not going to be happy.
Tell you what, you have her this week.
I'll have my go once the dust settles.
Julie! I just wanted to say thank you.
Oh what for, Gavin? The stapler.
You found it, didn't you? I may have.
My lips are sealed, well unless you'd care to open them You know you, em, you never notice the amount of steel used in the construction of a supermarket, till you look at the roof.
Any plans this evening? Well as it happens, yes.
You are looking at the newest member of the Warrington Cycling Club.
Oh, really Gavin? That is fantastic.
Yeah nothing else to go home for.
But you know, might as well go out on the open road.
Three abreast with m'fellow cyclists.
Bottom bobbing on your saddle A cycling club.
You know I don't know why I haven't thought of it before.
Ey up.
Hi.
Wine.
Not plonk.
Food to actually cook, not microwave.
Good lad.
She'll love you for it.
Hiya! Oh, Hi.
Have a good night tonight you two.
You all right? Yeah.
So, how did you get on? Hear me out.
I didn't go.
Oh Kieran, you promised! Don't forget, next Thursday.
Already made a reservation.
I just think it's something we need to properly talk about.
Jesus, talk about it? Kieran I ask you to do one thing.
One thing! Hey, giz a bit.
What? Come on.
Unexpected item in bagging area.
Unexpected item in bagging area.