Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (2015) s02e11 Episode Script

1 Okay, Mom.
My therapist thinks I should deal with some stuff I've been avoiding.
So I guess next, I'll be talking to a picture of broccoli.
But seriously, I do wish I had an actual photograph of you for this.
It would be cool if Geena Davis were my mom, though.
I'll be all, "I don't want to do my homework, Geena Davis!" What are you doing to Geena? I did not get this so you could talk to it.
I got it because the dry cleaner guy's back was turned and they owed me for shrinking all my pants.
Shut up.
Well, Andrea wants me to pretend to talk to my mom, so it's either this or that water stain that looks like a face.
Kimmy, that does not look like Oh, my God, what do you want? I'll do whatever you say.
Titus, my therapy homework is hard enough.
I don't have time for you to freak out at the wall Who sent you? You're not welcome here! Aah! Look, if you want to talk to your mom, do regression therapy.
It's something I saw on TV backwards.
What do you mean backwards? I set up a system of mirrors so I could see the TV from the toilet, okay? - Do you want my help or not? - No.
Too late! We're giving birth to baby Kimmy.
This is dumb, Titus.
I set aside today for some serious Kimmy time.
You can hear your mother's voice.
"My baby, she's a-coming.
And she's gonna be sweeter than Mee-Maw's shoo-fly pie!" Are you trying to help me, or are you just practicing accents? Her vital signs are very good.
I'm the hospital's top scientist.
I'm the top nurse, and I never seen ya before in my life! Someone call the Irish priest who also does impressions! You talkin' to me? You talkin' to me? - Snap out of it! - Hello? Surprise! It's Cyndee.
Pokorny? From kidnapping? - I'll be back.
- I'm in New York! Wait, you're here? Like, now? "E.
T.
phone home.
" Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it But females are strong as hell Unbreakable They alive, damn it It's a miracle Unbreakable They alive, damn it That's gonna be, uh you know, a fascinating transition.
Damn it Unbelievable! A surprise visit? I like Cyndee.
She's who I got when I took the Mole Women Quiz.
You were a Gretchen.
Andrea gave me this sticker at our last session.
It's a sheep with a guitar, and it says, "Ewe rock!" How? It's not even plugged in.
The plug's behind her, Titus! Andrea told me so! But it doesn't even matter.
I can't rock now 'cause I'm gonna get sucked into Cyndee's shenanigans againigans.
Well, maybe this time, you let Cyndee do Cyndee.
That's the problem.
She can't.
She never could.
Where have you been? It's Penance Night.
We have to crank until dawn.
I can't do it.
Can Man dumped me.
What? Cyndee, he's made of cans.
I just want to lie in bed and watch Titanic and cry.
What do you want, Bill Pullman or Paxton? I'm an old lady with no necklace.
That movie is so sad.
When Leonardo DiCaprio has to draw that fat white girl And she doesn't even want to hear what I really think, 'cause it's super that she's engaged to a gay guy and her job is crying and telling people she's a Mole Woman.
Oh, and she's definitely fluent in French now, 'cause she went to college in a dream.
Kimmy, I don't know what to say.
So I'm hoping that the tone of my voice makes you think that I do, okay, sweetie? Thanks, Titus.
Knock, knock! I always wanted to say that, but I was never on the other side of a door from you! Grab it.
I've been saving that for you ever since I caught it at a Backstreet Boys concert.
Did you know they're all the old one now? Oh Titus! Hey, Titus! What's with the hair? You look Travolta with his wig off.
I'll have you know this hairstyle is all the rage among hipsters and Pentecostal elders.
Ha.
Fine.
I signed up for a drug trial to make money.
I can't shave my hair because it might be a side effect.
A drug trial? So you're helping Big Pharma give old men boners? That's my job.
You think I want to be doing this? I thought helping cure cancer or whatever would bring me respect.
But it's humiliating.
They treat me like a piece of meat but in a bad way.
And I'm broke, so I have to sit there and take it but in a bad way.
Count your blessings.
I chained myself to a bulldozer.
I can't get anybody to notice.
I mean, where is everybody? Mikey told me Shark Week is now a union holiday.
So I got to spend a whole week out here? It'll be all right.
I'm doing this for the neighborhood, so the neighborhood will take care of me.
Ah! See? I'm bored.
The neighborhood brings me a newspaper.
Oh, it's just a Learning Annex brochure.
And I'm supposed to be teaching "Dress for Success" right now.
Hey! Hey! Pff! The way I see it, being a Mole Woman is a full-time job.
When I get home, I have to cut the ribbon at the grand opening of a new ribbon store.
But how will I know when to stop cutting? And how's Brandon? Is he in New York? Mentally, always.
And also, yeah.
We still haven't set a date yet because he keeps planning bachelor parties with guys he meets on the Internet.
Well, I'm just so happy for you kulele music.
Thanks, Kimmy.
My life's perfect.
The only thing left to do is get married and start a family.
Wow, family with Brandon.
And you'll be some kid's mother.
Actually, I read the average American family has two and a half kids, so I hope we get to choose which half, because I like the top.
That's where the face is.
Cyndee But, um, my therapist has his own ideas about that.
You're in therapy? Mm-hmm.
Get out back and hold the monkey! I'm in therapy! You? Wow! I was afraid you were gonna judge me for getting help, 'cause you were always so tough and in the bunker.
And not just on the toilet pumpkin.
Okay.
You're getting help.
That's great.
So how long have you been in therapy? Well, I've only been doing it a couple of weeks.
And it's only been over the phone, because his office is actually here in Jew York.
You should come with me.
I'm meeting him today.
That's great! And if you work super hard, maybe you'll get a sticker of a sheep with a plugged-in guitar and it says, "Ewe rock!" I don't get it.
Tragedy can shape our minds, but it doesn't have to shape our futures.
And that's what I want to talk to you about today and all this week on The Dr.
Dave Show! Please welcome your Superstars of Tragedy.
A Celebration of Courage sponsored by Splotchguard Stain Blaster: "Life is messy.
Your clothes don't have to be.
" As a child, she spent three weeks trapped in a well.
It's well-baby, "Baby Debbie," Deborah Wells! He has a disease so rare that they named it after him.
Please welcome Thomas Vletchen and his syndrome.
You first met them as twins conjoined at the crotch.
Now one of them wants back in.
It's Bob and Bub Kittle.
She was eaten and then pooped out by the orca that she raised at SeaWorld please do not applaud, it's a trigger Holly Krieger.
It's because Tonku kept doing shows when I was in him and I could hear the crowd applaud.
Totally understandable.
Finally, Buzzfeed ranked her tragedy one of the top ten most disturbing bunker kidnappings of 2015.
It's Indiana Mole Woman Cyndee Pokorny! Are you ready to heal? Forget blood cancer, Judy.
We might just have a hair thickness drug on our hands.
Mr.
Doctor, we have been standing here for an hour.
Give us our clothes, or turn up the heat.
Take note.
Meat Slab 35 is sensitive to temperature in addition to the obvious bloating and shoulder loss.
Lookit.
Can I at least shave my head? I'm sorry, meat slabs, but we have to continue monitoring this.
I do apologize if it interferes with your fast-paced lifestyles of subway masturbation and being set on fire by prep school kids.
Now take your clothes.
How dare you? I am a person who deserves respect.
I will not be treated like an animal unless it's a glistening panther emerging from an infinity pool.
So I say to you, good day, sir.
Patients who fail to complete the trial will not receive the other half of their $20 bill.
Very well.
Do what you will with my body, but you will never take away my dignity.
Who stole my clothes? Stupid hospital lost and found.
What does it want? Titus, I don't know what I just saw.
Okay.
When two homeless men love each very much No, not this time.
Have you ever heard of Dr.
Dave? Heard of him? I heard him on TV.
Well, he's Cyndee's therapist, and I'm real confused.
Dr.
Dave's show is different from my therapy.
Cyndee, in your pre-interview, you said that you hate the man that kept you captive for 15 years but that you love coconut.
Just something to think about.
Of course I want to get reattached to him.
He got the genitals! Ooh! Uh-oh! Guys, guys.
So you're gonna see someone now.
No.
No! - Stop running, Holly.
- No! - Let Tonku swallow you.
- No! No! Thomas, the audience has spoken.
You are the worst singer.
What the Helvetica Bold did I just applaud at? People go to therapy on TV now? What's next, watching people H-U-M-P on your computer? It's called therapy-tainment, girl.
It's a legitimate form of entertain-apy that started while you were in the bunker.
Are you even studying the flash cards I made? Yes, but they're mostly about Tyrese.
Well, Dr.
Dave is a miracle worker.
His episode about getting out of your depression got me to flip my mattress.
He changes lives, Kimstagram.
Well, that's what I want for Cyndee.
And obviously she listens to him.
Must be nice for Dr.
Dave.
People listen to him, treat him with respect.
They don't tell him to poop in a cup up to a line and then get all mad and accuse him of not following instructions.
Excuse me, sir? "Sir"? I think he's talking to you.
No, sir, you the person.
Oh, because I've only heard the kind of "sir" that comes before "the store microwave is for breakfast sandwiches only.
Please remove your wet laundry and wigs.
" Why would you Titus, you still there? I'm gonna have to call you back.
Where were we? Something about me being a person.
Say it again.
Um, can you buy me movie tickets? It's rated R, and my dad is - In jail.
- No, in Hong Kong for work.
They have jails there.
I just need you to buy the tickets and take me and my friend in later.
I have my dad's credit card.
So you just have to see The Human Centipede 5: A Need for Pede? In this one, he makes all the women into a sports car.
Tyler, when I was your age, a terrible movie was something like Britney Spears' Crossroads, and it was extraordinary.
But this is simply garbage.
Your father knows what he's talking about.
And that's not all I know.
This way, all the popcorn gets nutrition on it.
Huh, smart.
That's right.
I'm smart, like that Jennifer Aniston water.
So we've covered popcorn, pre-Federline Britney, and the appropriate reaction to a broken escalator Yell, "Who stole my wheelchair?" and wait to be carried up.
What else can I pour into your little mind sponge? Well, uh that other ticket is for a girl I like.
Oh, I get it.
Take her to an R-rated movie and she's all, "You're so grown up.
" And you're like, "Baby, your neck is so thin and bumpless," or whatever it is you straights like about women.
So do you think I'm dressed okay? Oh, I thought you'd never ask.
You look perfect for a bus ride to Atlantic City on Christmas.
First off, you need to put on a tie.
Women like a little effort but not too much.
They hate that.
They also hate trying on jeans, the word "moist," and sitting at the table under the vent.
But I don't actually own a tie.
Can you take me shopping or something? Oh, you've made me and your mother so happy.
"Your mother" is what I call your father's credit card.
Ugh.
I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse out of hunger this time and not just 'cause I can't read Portuguese.
Pizza Rat! I knew the neighborhood would provide.
Come here, girl.
Come here.
No, no, no, no, no.
Bring me the pizza.
Oh, come on, I introduced your parents.
Pfff! You know, when my assistant told me the second Mole Woman wanted to see me, at first, I thought it must be another delightful prank played by my very dear friend, William Joel.
It's Billy Billy Joel.
His friends call him William.
Have a seat, please, Kimmy.
Ah, what seems to be troubling you? Here, let me guess.
Since the bunker, you've been trying to gain control through countless serial sexual partners? Cereal what? No.
I mean, yeah, I've thought about Tony the Tiger.
We meet at a provocative art opening Okay, hang on right there.
Ooh.
Yeah, we could do a show about you.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
I don't want to be on TV.
I'm here about Cyndee.
Mm-hmm.
But she would kill me if she knew I was going behind her back.
The only person who's ever killed on this show is the hilarious Louie Anderson, and that woman deserved it.
Go on.
Okay, you've got to get Cyndee to change her life.
Kimmy, I'm not a magician during the week.
But what I hear is that you feel responsible for your friend? You don't have to take all that on, my darling.
Thank you.
It's not fair.
I've got my own me to be.
Mm! I think you just named my next book.
Ah, the cover, is a, uh a bee climbing up a mountain.
Now, look.
Help me help Cyndee, and we'll make her the focus of tomorrow's show.
And since we tape five shows in a day, tomorrow's in 20 minutes.
- What do you think? - Tomorrow is today? In more ways than one.
Kimmy, tell me everything.
Now wrap the big-boned, healthy end around the scrawny little part that magazine covers tell us ties should look like.
Tuck it back through this bulgy part that's what she said and Viola Davis, you're done.
You look like a young Morgan Freeman, which many say never existed.
I'm so nervous.
How will I know if Vanessa wants me to kiss her? Mm, in my experience, you wait so long that the girl eventually kisses you and then yells, "What's your deal?" But in this case, that movie's gonna scare her.
She'll get all clingy.
So you put your arm around her and look at her like she's the only woman in the world.
That's when it's time to put your mouth on her mouth, like The Human Centipede's Dr.
Heiter puts mouths on butts.
I think today is the first time I've ever gotten advice about girls.
Oh, and never buy them a cell phone case.
They are very particular.
You will not be right.
You know, the last time my dad had to take me to school, he tried to drop me off at my old elementary school.
I wish I had a dad like you, Titus.
I wish I had a son like you, Tyler.
I wish I had a son.
I should have a baby.
Then I'd feel like this all the time respected, listened to, adored everything a Titus should be.
Cyndee was right.
A baby is always a great idea! Titus, that's her.
It was days before they realized where I was, which is why I started a charity that goes around the country throwing roast beef sandwiches down wells.
Oh.
Oh.
That's, uh So I'll just watch on this puppy? What are you working with here, a Sears? Titus and I have a Sears.
How's the tint? Nice.
Cyndee, when we flew you to New York on Delta Airlines "We hate this as much as you do" you said that you wanted closure.
I said "overness" and "done-itude.
" - Is that the same thing? - Sure it is.
But it's not all about the past.
How do you feel about the future, Cyndee? Real good.
"So bright, I need shades" good.
Yeah, that's so interesting, because I heard that your future is so dim that you need night vision goggles Donaldson's Night Vision Goggles: "Own the night, perv.
" Wait, who said that about me? I promised I wouldn't tell, but this Mole Woman or man said, and I quote, "Cyndee's not ready for a baby, wherever they come from, 'cause there's no way that what Titus told me is right.
How could it fit?" Sun on a beach! What the fudge? Kimmy! - Schmidt! - Hang on.
I didn't say that, and I certainly don't want some big fight on my stage, because Kimmy Uh-oh, here she comes! Magic wall No! What is wrong with you? You went behind my back and lied to my front? You better stay away from my sides.
Ooh! You think me and Brandon having a baby is crazy? Look, can we do this in private? Guess what, Kimmy.
Gay guys can have babies.
I saw it at the airport.
They just come out Chinese! Ladies, ladies Please, please.
Let's not do something that could go viral.
# MoleFight.
No, Cyndee.
You shouldn't have a baby, because you're a baby! Why? Because I cry sometimes and laugh at keys and spit up milk a lot? I was gonna name my first kid after you! But now I wouldn't even name a bottom-half half kid after you! And that's where the butt is! - Ooh! - Oh, snap! That "oh, snap" moment was brought to you by Spine-Snap Possum Traps: "When you hear the snap, you got a possum to bury.
" I'm gonna freeze to death.
I feel like I'm sitting under a vent.
Oh, Meth-Head Charlie! You brought me all my stuff my winter coat, my stereo, my copper pipes! You robbed me! Methadone H.
Charles, you bring back my radiator this instant! I am a soda inventor Prepare your mouth for a soda adventure Tyler, what happened? I hate you.
I did everything you said.
I put my arm around her and looked at her eyeballs, and she goes, "You think this is a date?" She never even liked me, and it's all your fault! And I wish I never met you! Tyler Middle Name Last Name, I know you didn't mean that.
Young man, you come back here and say something nice about me this instant! Look, you're mad at the wrong person.
Why are you even still here? You think of a new way to stab me in the back maybe with a fork glued to a boomerang? You're the one who stabs yourself in the back, Cyndee, with I don't know a sword that goes all the way around the world! Why can't you just support me? Nope, not interested.
What? I'm not crying for you.
I'm crying for me.
Sometimes it feels good to feel feelings, Kimmy.
Brandon says the ancient Greeks called it "catharsis," and it's just one of the many ways they were real smart about stuff.
No, this is you letting another man manipulate you.
The Reverend made you cry.
Can Man made you cry.
Donna Maria wearing that cardboard mustache made you cry.
Don Mario, the Spanish-language insult comic, was mean.
I don't let other people tell me how I feel.
That's why I never cried in the bunker.
Never? Not even when you were alone? - That's - That's nuts.
Seriously, Kimmy, if you ever want to come back on the show I thought you were a good doctor.
But you're a creep, like Doc Brown from Back to the Future.
Why is he asking a 16-year-old boy to meet him alone in an empty parking lot with a video camera? Right.
Cyndee, Cyndee I know that was very difficult for you, but now that you've confronted your greatest nemesis, Kimmy, I think you're finally ready to move forward and start a new life, which is why I want this Thursday's show, which tapes in 12 minutes, to be your dream wedding to Brandon Yeagley, brought to you by all-new episodes Ghost Bus! Oh! - Yay! - Not before the wedding! You know what? I tried.
I'm not gonna be part of this.
Good, 'cause this wedding's gonna be real emotional.
And I'm totally gonna cry.
Yeah, I'm crying on the inside right now.
Because we're not robots, Kimmy, unlike you.
Oh, so my brain's a computer, I have a built-in jetpack, and my name stands for something cool, like "Killer Imagination Mega-Machine, Ya heard"? Nice insult! If you're dead, may I have your hair for a wig I dreamed? Please.
If anything's gonna kill me, it'll be my lover, Bobby Durst.
Why did you never have children? Oh, I'm not a mom type.
I guess I wanted to hold on to my freedom.
To this day, if I see a raccoon, I can follow it, see where it takes all that stuff, and then that's my stuff.
Kids can make you feel like you're king of the world, like Leonardo DiCaprio before chubs took over the whole floating door.
And then they turn on you for no reason, like me with Kate Winslet.
You know, I do have a child this neighborhood.
Lame.
I take care of it.
I protect it.
I'd do anything for it.
But I was stupid to think I'd get anything back, 'cause kids are selfish, and they take you for granted.
And you love them anyway.
That's what parenting is all about.
You give and you give, and you end up cold, hungry, and handcuffed to a bulldozer.
What if you still think maybe it's worth it? Well, then you're a sucker.
Hey, what's with all this kid talk? Mikey knock you up? No.
We're being careful.
It's just, after I ran away from Vonda, I thought my only chance for a family was a Klumps scenario.
Now I'm 30-mumble.
- I could get married.
- Hmm.
I could have a kid.
I know it would come out Chinese, but it'd still be a little Titus.
The world could use more Tituses.
The plural is Titi.
Fine! Have a nice life, Cyndee! Good rid-dance.
Now I can get back to focusing on me.
I'll start with you, hands.
How's it going? Nice! Aww Cyndee, what happened to us? I can't just abandon her.
Dang it.
I've got to stop this wedding! Oh, Mole Two is back.
Quick, get some makeup on her.
Under the lights, she looks like a glow-in-the-dark Happy Meal toy.
Good, good! Are you ready to heal? Oh, my gosh.
This is exactly what he wants for his dumb show.
I'm not his puppet.
On today's show, a Mole Woman wedding.
No.
This is not how Cyndee Pokorny gets married.
But if I wreck her wedding, Cyndee will never talk to me again.
No matter what I do, she's gone.
Either way, I'll lose her forever.
Um, as part of my vows, I'd like to ask again if anyone objects to this union.
Boy, you're lucky you have friends who know what you've been through.
In the well, I was all alone, until they started throwing down sandwiches.
They were my friends.
And then I ate them.
I ate my friends.
And the next time I saw them, they had changed.
Yeah, Debbie.
Cyndee's special to me.
But she's making a huge mistake, and there's nothing I can do.
I hate this! I'm trapped! There's nothing I can do.
I'm just helpless and sad.
And I want my Geena Davis.
Kimmy? Are you crying? Because I want to help my friend and I can't help my friend.
And I love my friend! You're crying for me? Fifteen years in the bunker didn't make you cry, but this did? Because I care about you! Aww.
If this wedding is making my friend Kimmy cry, then I'm not getting married.
Thank you, Kimmy! Oh, God, thank you! Ladies and gentlemen, this is why I went to pharmacy school.
Yes! Next week on Dr.
Dave: Does your raccoon have OCD? Maybe?! - Good night, everybody! - Good night!