United States of Al (2021) s02e11 Episode Script

- So, how are things in school? - Awful.
I've got this big report that's due tomorrow.
They only gave you a day? Well, they gave me two weeks.
I gave me a day.
What's the assignment? Interview someone from my real life I find interesting.
Oh, yeah.
I had to do that when I was your age.
You don't happen to have it lying around, do you? I don't think a report on Miley Cyrus is what your teacher's looking for.
You knew Miley Cyrus? Nope.
That's why I got a "D.
" Well, you're in luck, Hazelnut.
I got lots of stories.
Who says Hazel's gonna pick you? Why not me? I'm a successful business owner.
Ah, yes, yes.
Your grandfather would be a perfect choice.
Very interesting man.
Not that it matters, but I am also an accomplished businessman.
Did you know I sold more green onions than any other six-year-old in Kabul? We all know.
Every time we eat something with onions in it, you tell us that story.
It's a good story.
Here's an idea.
Why don't you write about your war hero dad? Giving you a bad grade would be unpatriotic.
Another great choice.
Your father is very brave.
I should know.
He fought alongside me.
Uncle Al, would you like me to do the report on you? Oh, Hazel Jaan, there are so many good choices around this table.
- Well, I guess I could do it - I humbly accept.
If a little girl wants to get an "A" on a paper, who am I to stop her? My name is Awalmir Karimi, son of Siddiq Karimi, grandson of Usman Karimi.
A native of Kandahar currently living just outside of Columbus, Ohio, in the second house from the right, beside the pink house with the messy lawn.
And the story of how I got from Afghanistan to America is filled with twists, turns, and dare I say miracles.
Great.
If I talk slow, that might be all I need.
Our story begins on a warm summer day, when the mulberries had just turned red.
Write down that he's afraid of owls.
I'm not afraid of owls, I just know that they are harbingers of death.
They used to hoot in his ear while he was sleeping.
Stop trying to get into my report.
Uh, what advice would you give yourself at age 11? Easy.
Don't waste time with the neighbor's daughter.
She is not into you.
She's into your brother.
What do you consider your greatest accomplishment? - Surviving.
- What do you mean? I lived through three wars with barely a scratch.
Ooh, this guy's got a sixth sense for danger.
One time we were talking to this local farmer.
Seemed like the nicest guy.
He was joking around with us.
Then Al noticed an antenna poking out of his pocket.
He was hiding a walkie-talkie.
Al warned us.
We all got the hell out of there before he could call in an attack.
Whoa.
I know.
It was amazing.
Nothing got past him.
Hazel.
I don't hear typing.
The president was so impressed, he almost named an American base after me.
What? That is not true.
You don't need to exaggerate.
It is called the art of storytelling, Riley.
The details are not as important as the feeling we are trying to inspire in these young dreamers.
- Sure.
Sure.
- Mm-hmm.
Where do you think you'll be in five years? Probably still sitting here, telling his story.
So, would you say you're afraid of all owls? And Al is smart.
He speaks five languages: English, Dari, Urdu, Pashto and French.
He is brave.
He spent six years serving with the Marines and saved many American lives, including my dad's.
And he is modest.
They really wanted to name a base after him, but he thought it'd be too much work to change it on all the maps.
The end.
Wonderful.
Are there any questions for Hazel? What's his favorite thing about America? Me.
Also Costco and game shows.
If he's so brave, why didn't he stay in Afghanistan? Because the Taliban was trying to kill him for helping us.
Okay.
Thank you, Hazel.
Your uncle sounds like a real hero.
He is.
And I know it's really important to him that I get a good grade.
Is Al short for al-Qaeda? You're kidding.
Aw, man, okay.
I'll be right there.
Is everything okay? We got to meet Vanessa at school.
Hazel punched a kid.
What? Why would she do that? I don't know.
She was a biter in preschool.
But who wasn't? The rules are very clearly stated in the student handbook.
- What's going on? - She's suspended.
She punched a kid, and now she's suspended.
We have a zero-tolerance policy for violence.
Danny has a black eye.
What were you thinking? It's his fault.
He was being a jerk.
He called Uncle Al a terrorist.
Oh, Hazel Jaan, I have been called much worse than that.
One of the things about speaking five languages is I've been called terrible things in five languages.
That doesn't make it okay for some twerp to say it to my daughter.
Is this Danny kid suspended, too? We are handling that separately.
Great.
Will you be suspending him separately? We are not here to discuss Danny.
Hazel, I'll see you in one week.
I hope you learned a lesson.
Oh, we'll make sure she does.
Come on, we're going to go apologize to that boy right now.
She can apologize when he does.
Or maybe they do it at the same time.
I'm not in charge of Danny, but I'm in charge of Hazel, and she needs to be punished.
She is being punished.
She's suspended.
Wait, what does it mean that she is suspended? She's not allowed to go to school.
That is a punishment here? Interesting.
Thank you, Mrs.
Ro.
And you are grounded.
No screens, no friends, no fun.
Says who? Her mother.
I'm her dad.
Don't I get a say? Okay what are you doing? Maybe I don't want to ground her for something I would have done, too.
Okay, then, what do you want to do? - I'll talk to her.
- That's it? That's not good enough.
Well, it's my night.
Come on, Hazel, let's go.
I'm gonna punish you with pizza.
Are you kidding me? I will speak to him.
- I'm so sorry about this.
- It's a shame.
Because until that incident, it was a wonderful report.
They almost named a base after you? Oh, good, that made it in.
How's it coming? It's coming.
It's, uh, definitely coming.
Dad, you're so good at so many things.
It's okay if you don't know how to fix a dishwasher.
I didn't know how to fix a roof until I got up there and did it.
You fell off the roof.
Learned a lot.
Hey, what are you doing home so early? I got suspended.
Relax, I'm handling it.
I disagree he's handling it, but don't worry, I'm handling it.
Riley, I think we need to have a talk about your parenting.
No, we don't.
I agree, Dad.
You're killing it.
I'm gonna go ride my bike.
Have fun.
Make good choices.
When it comes to Hazel, you and Vanessa must speak with one voice.
Yeah, one voice sounds great.
I choose mine.
You are disrespecting her mother.
Vanessa's wrong.
Hazel had your back.
She stood up for what she thought was right, which happens to be what I think is right.
That's all good dad stuff.
But you are confusing her.
She cannot be punished at her mother's house and pampered here.
And what makes you such an expert on children? I share a room with one you.
You are the child.
That guy's way too young to be a staff sergeant.
And look, his insignia's upside down.
Drives me crazy.
He's been shooting for an hour, he hasn't reloaded once.
Why do you guys even watch this movie? - Oh, it's a classic.
- It's the best.
- Hey.
- Guys.
Wow.
Movies, brownies.
Really bringing the pain, aren't you, Riley? Hazel knows violence is wrong.
Right? That is not how you use a bayonet.
Okay.
Well, playtime's over.
We're going to Danny's to apologize.
I think I want to stay here tonight.
Oh, no, you're not.
Riley, tell her.
It's okay with me if she wants to stay here.
- Thanks, Dad.
- You're welcome, sweetheart.
Oh, my God, grow up and be a parent.
I'm a better parent than you.
Uh-oh.
Okay, okay, let's put the pin back into the grenade and talk it out.
Hazel, go to the garage.
Uh, she really shouldn't be out there alone Please, Mr.
Art, you stay.
This is a family problem, and the family must solve it together.
Lizzie, we need you, too.
Hazel, why are you still here? And no brownies.
All the way.
All the way, and shut the door.
What's going on? Lizzie, please sit.
Join us.
This family is in crisis.
What else is new? I would like to make a suggestion.
Back home, when there was a problem, we'd hold a meeting known as a jirga.
- What's that? - It is where all members of the family gather to express opinions and offer solutions.
Oh, an intervention.
Okay, cool.
I've been on both sides of those.
Respected members of the jirga, we are here to help Hazel.
God is watching us and expects nothing but honesty.
That's a lot of pressure.
I think we all agree that Hazel cannot have one set of rules at her mother's house and another set of rules at her father's.
You mean no rules at her father's and rules at mine? - I have rules.
- The point is, we agree it's a problem, yes? Yes.
Now, who wants to share their wisdom with this poor couple? We all know the Browns game starts soon, right? All right, I'll start.
Thank you.
Thank you for including me in this important, uh I forgot the word already.
- Jirga.
- Jirga.
Anyway, I think that these are two terrific parents who love their daughter differently but in the same way.
Why does Freddy get a say? I'm not sure he's saying anything.
All right, you guys have got to get it together, 'cause this is a mess, and she's only 12.
It's going to get worse.
That's basic biology.
Thank you, Lizzie.
That is a very good point.
And this one knows what she's talking about.
She was a beast from, like, 13 to 30.
I am 27.
Well, 30 can't get here quick enough.
Is this 'cause I want to call someone to fix the dishwasher? A repairman is a thief with a wrench instead of a gun.
Okay, show of hands, who thinks Dad has no idea how to fix the dishwasher? You're gonna eat those words.
Yeah, well, I'm gonna eat 'em off a paper plate! Okay, I understand this is everyone's first jirga, and it is easy to be tempted to talk about very unrelated things, but we are here to talk about Hazel.
Why is everyone acting like I don't punish her? I punish her all the time.
Do you hear that? This is pointless.
Trust the process.
There comes a time in every jirga where someone says, "This is pointless.
" Yes, it is earlier than I thought, but that means it is working.
It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks 'cause Riley holds all the cards.
No, I don't.
She worships you.
She wants to be a Marine because of you.
She craves your approval, and when we disagree, you're gonna win.
So, it's my fault she looks up to me? No, it's not your fault.
It's just the truth, and it's not fair.
Silence is also a natural part of this process.
It does not reflect poorly on the jirga.
Great word.
- They still fighting? - Yep.
What are you doing in here? Fixing the dishwasher.
Do you think I did the wrong thing, punching that kid? Okay, I'll tell you, but you have to promise to keep it to yourself.
Promise.
I punched a lot of kids for dumber reasons than that.
Like what? In a long time ago, a friend of mine got the first Led Zeppelin album.
I heard it was great.
So I begged him to let me borrow it, and I played it all night, scratched it up good.
So I punched him.
That makes no sense.
Yeah.
I didn't say, "You want to hear something smart I once did," did I? I'll tell you this much.
I never would've sassed my mom the way you did.
That would not have flown.
- Maybe I should go in there? - Nah.
They're having a conversation they need to have.
It's a little about you.
It's a lot about them.
I wish I could do something.
Well, some things, you can't fix.
People.
Dishwashers.
All sorts of things.
Now scram.
I don't like people watching me while I work.
What? I'm sorry I punched you in the face, okay? Who told you to say that? Everyone.
But I do mean it.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Hey, just so you know, it was a crummy thing you said.
Truth hurts.
What's that? You know the last thing America needs? No.
Tell me.
I think the problem with this particular jirga is that our elder is in the kitchen drinking.
Would it help if we all held hands? Stop asking that.
Hey.
Did you get a call from Danny's mom? No.
You're about to.
You were supposed to be in the garage.
I punched Danny again.
- Hazel, what the hell? - See, thisis because of you.
I-I went over and apologized, and he was even more of a jerk, and Well, you're all caught up.
I know I'm grounded forever and you guys are gonna fight, so I'll just be in the garage not watching TV.
So, now do you think this is a problem? Yeah.
I don't want to be that guy, but I feel like we should've held hands.
All right, talk.
I tried.
I really, really tried.
What happened? Well, you guys were fighting so much, I thought if I did what you wanted, it would stop.
Then Danny said a bunch of stuff, and, I don't know, everything went blank, and the next thing I knew, he was on the ground.
Blank? Really? Can I? Sure.
Did you think you were gonna punch him, or did you just do it? I just did it.
I wasn't thinking about anything.
I get it.
Sometimes when I get mad, it feels like a switch flips and I'm not in charge anymore.
What do you do when that happens? Stupid stuff I always wish I hadn't done.
I was lucky when your mom and I were together.
She'd talk me down.
Remember when you kicked me so I wouldn't punch that guy? Which time? She can help you like she helped me.
And we're still a family.
We got to have one set of rules.
So, if I stay here, I'm grounded? Way grounded.
Way worse than your mom's.
- The same as at Mom's.
- The same as at Mom's.
And the next time you start feeling like you're gonna lose it, you call one of us.
- Okay.
- Okay.
So, does that mean I get an iPhone? I mean No.
All right, that should do it.
And It's quieter than I remember.
- Do you give up? - Nope.
I've never called a repairman, and I never will.
However, I will be out for the rest of the day.
Got errands to do, people to see.
Definitely enough to keep me busy between the hours of 11:00 and 4:00.
Okay.
I will know not to expect you home during that five-hour window.
Yep.
See you at 4:00 or whenever you call and say you miss me.
And your credit card if I need it for any reason? On the counter if you need it for any reason.