Whitney s02e11 Episode Script

Hi.
- Hey, Lily.
- Where's Whitney? Uh, she's at home watching Shahs of Sunset.
And you left her alone with those idiots? Yeah, I watched that with her once.
When GG bought that tiny dog a $10,000 diamond collar, Whitney slapped me.
It made us both feel better.
Hey, two new sandwiches? And you're doing soups now? Yeah.
One of the investors came by yesterday.
He thought it'd be a good idea to expand the menu.
I'm an investor.
We can do that? Oh uh yeah? 'Cause I've got, like, a ton of ideas for this place.
A ton, huh? Want to see my pinterest? Oh, I'd love to, but I'm really busy.
And I don't know what that is.
So maybe I can run some stuff by you later? Later would be great.
Is, uh-- is one of your ideas getting rid of these damn T-shirts I wear all the time? Gray--gray washes me out.
- Love the shirt.
- You gotta wear the shirt.
- The shirt is great.
- Company policy, bro.
Ooh.
Not too shabby.
That's attractive to you-- big shoulders, wavy hair, pearly smile? I guess there's a lid for every pot.
Have you seen the bike that dude rides? Oh, let me guess-- a Schwinn? Sorry, Roxanne.
That guy had it coming.
Yeah, you know, I talked to him the other day.
He's got a carbon-fiber exhaust and an open clutch.
It gives it this really cool throaty sound.
Is there no one else on earth we can talk about? Remember in junior high, Sabrina Rosa's dad customized that old police bike? Oh, my God, I remember that bike.
Whoa, we stared at that bike more than we stared at Sabrina rosa.
She's a dude now.
Man, you know, I-I really miss having a bike.
Yeah, man.
I miss mine too.
You two used to ride motorcycles? Yeah, all throughout high school.
Yeah, we used to ride together all the time.
Out on the road like a young Dennis Hopper andAlex.
Yeah, our dream was to ride from California all the way through Mexico until we got to Chile.
Yeah.
Whatever happened to that? You know, we could still do that.
No, I'm done with motorcycles.
When you're young, you don't think anything could happen to you.
And then a triple bypass and two hip replacements later-- - What? - I'm talking about my dad.
He's a cautionary tale.
- Anyway, I don't want a bike.
- Seriously? You guys were gonna ride to South America on your motor-wieners? - Hey.
- Oh, come on.
Motorcycles are totally phallic.
No, they're not.
Yes, they are.
I mean, think about it.
A guy has this powerful machine between his legs ready to carry you away from everything.
It's Exciting.
It's sexy.
It's a lie.
You know what? I should get a bike.
I mean, those were some of the happiest times of my life Besides with you.
Oh, Whitney's not here.
I don't have to say that.
Whitney is taped in front of a live studio audience.
- Hey.
- Hey.
How's it going? I'm calming down.
Better now.
Rough Shahs? They're just so entitled.
They took a party limo to a party bus to a party they didn't even stay at.
But I'm not gonna let them get me angry again.
That's exactly what they want.
Well, everyone says hi.
And, uh, R.
J.
's dad's not doing very well.
Oh, uh, and I'm gonna get a motorcycle.
No, you're not.
What? You're not getting a motorcycle.
I can't tell if you're kidding.
Oh, now I can tell.
I don't think you get to just say no to me.
About this I can.
I would think that you'd be into the idea of a motorcycle.
Based on what? Your boots.
We're a team, okay? How are we supposed to be a team if your organs are in three other people? I die first.
We agreed on this.
The answer's no.
Look, you can't just say no to me, all right? I mean, I would never say no to you about anything.
Why would you? I don't want a motorcycle.
But you ride the "L" all night taking your photos.
That's really dangerous, and I would never say you can't do that.
Yeah, but that's completely different.
- How's that different? - Well, number one, that's for my job.
And number two, I'm the scariest thing on the "L.
" What is going on with you? All of a sudden, you want to ride a motorcycle again? Isn't this like a midlife-crisis thing? Oh, my God.
Are you secretly 40? No, look, just 'cause we're married now doesn't mean you get veto power.
But you're talking about risking your life.
I mean, don't you want to be around long enough to see our weird kids grow up? Of course.
I'm not gonna miss out on being a bad father.
Okay, you're not getting a motorcycle.
This isn't your decision.
No, it's our decision, and our decision is no.
We'll see.
We saw.
I know.
But we'll see.
Okay, okay.
You're hungry.
Why don't we order takeout? Wh--um, uh, how about some Chinese food or Oh, what about that new Italian place down on Wells? - You know, what do you want? - Uh, Chinese.
No.
So, what do you think? Good, right? You proud of me? You ordered new beer? Go ahead.
Say it.
Without asking me? You're proud of me.
"Spektor Brau"? Yeah, handcrafted in Germany.
"Beersel Abbey"? Made by franciscan monks.
"Ladybug lager"? Yeah, now, that one's from Sweden.
By the ladies, for the ladies.
Got a little bit of stevia in it.
Lily, you should have said something to me before you emasculated our beer selection.
Well, I've been trying to tell you my ideas, but you keep putting me off, so I'm forcing them on you.
You are reaping the rewards of me having nothing else to do.
Not if it means serving foreign beers.
What do Germans know about making beer? In low bar, we go American or we go home.
Mark, I'm a food blogger, all right? I see all the trends.
I know what's going on out there.
So just give it a week.
You'll see.
I am trying to keep this an old-school, traditional neighborhood bar.
Simple food, simple beer, for simple people.
Well, speaking for the simple people, new beer good.
See? New beer good.
Mm-mm, no.
Lily, I'm sorry.
When those kegs are empty, I want 'em out of here.
I bought a bike.
Oh, I thought you were gonna say you're gay.
Let him finish.
And then when I woke up this morning, he was already gone.
You just summed up my 20s.
I'm right, right? He's talking about doing something really dangerous.
I can say no, can't I? - Well-- - Wait.
Are you about to disagree? Oh, oh, okay.
You just want someone to take your side no matter what.
Yeah, and Lily was busy, so But you're wrong.
Okay, well, we're done here.
Wait, Whit, listen.
I'm trying to help.
Alex needs adventures.
Okay, but I-I don't get motorcycles.
I don't think anyone should be able to go 100 miles an hour on a chair.
But that's perfect for Alex.
He rock-climbs, he goes mountain biking.
He--he created a website.
Even his job is a little risky.
So you think I should let him get a motorcycle? I'm just saying that if you hold a guy back from being who he is, he'll just resent you.
I was hoping he wouldn't start resenting me for another couple of years.
Well, maybe try to figure out a way to meet him halfway.
Like, get him a really rickety trampoline.
Okay, yeah, something that won't kill him, like, get him but that'll hurt him real bad, so he knows that I love him.
- Yes.
- Uh-huh.
Aw, R.
J.
, you're killing me.
I mean, look at this thing.
V-twin engine.
Five speed.
First name "Real.
" Last name "Deal.
" I thought you didn't want to get a motorcycle because your dad's about to die.
I decided a man can't live his life in fear.
You can walk out of your door and get hit by a motorcycle.
Might as well be on it.
This thing is beautiful, R.
J.
Thank you, prison auction.
So how does it ride? Oh, even more of a rush than I remember.
So when you getting yours? Uh, you know, now is just not a good time.
- Whitney said no? - Mm.
She's got nothing to do with this.
I thought Whit would like motorcycles.
Yeah, well, so did I, but apparently that broad can't live without me.
- So, she did say no.
- Mm.
Letting his lady call the shots.
First of all, she's not a lady.
I would never let a woman boss me around other than my mother, and my older sister, and that psycho who cuts my hair.
Man, this is so, so, so, cool.
Come on, man.
Look at you.
Just go get one.
Look, when I'm ready to get a motorcycle, I'll get a motorcycle.
Yeah, R.
J.
He's gonna get one when Whitney says he can get one.
All right, scoot up, bro.
Hey, man, get away from me.
Come on.
Hey, hey, stop.
Don't fight in front of my bike.
She is a lady.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you doing? I am proving to you that I'm not some anti-fun safety freak.
Okay, I know that you're a guy who likes to live on the edge and take risks.
You play Halo.
I get it.
Cool.
Thank you.
Uh That makes me happy that you would say that.
And I'm not just saying it, okay? I want to give you the gift of adventure.
Like, in there or-- We only have, like, two things left to do in there and I'm saving those for next time I'm losing a fight.
All right, well, just keep in mind my left knee's going.
You won't need knees.
Okay, so you have your choice of racing school, a helicopter tour of the city, or running with the bulls.
Oh, it's the Chicago bulls.
It's a 5k.
It's cool, right? Yeah, cool.
Okay.
I bought a motorcycle.
Cool? I cannot believe you bought a motorcycle without even talking to me about it first.
I did talk to you about it.
- And I said no.
- And I said we'll see.
And I said we saw.
And I said I think that you're being unreasonable.
Oh, it's unreasonable for me to care about you? You know, there's a difference between caring about me and trying to control me.
So, me not wanting you to die is controlling? Whitney, I'm not gonna jump the motorcycle over Caesar's palace, okay? I happen to ride very safely.
I am sure you do, but that thing only has two wheels.
It's not even finished yet.
Why don't you just come out and look at it with me? - Come on, it's so cool.
- No, no, no.
If you love me, you will take that thing back.
And if you love me, you won't ask me to take it back.
Huh? How's that? Uh, okay.
Now what? Well, maybe now is a good time for you to accept that this makes me very happy.
It's not going away.
Okay, if it makes you so happy, why don't you go be with it? Great idea.
See ya.
Ugh, that was hot.
I forgot the key.
Okay.
Not so hot.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Oh, wait, Alex is not with you? No, he's with her.
God, he has been on that thing, like, every day.
Honestly, it is literally my worst nightmare.
I can't compete with a motorcycle.
It's prettier than me, it's softer where it's supposed to be, it's Asian.
It's younger than you.
No, that's--okay, that's not the game we're playing.
I mean, I hardly ever see him anymore.
Every day, him and R.
J.
are riding around, wind in their half-beards.
And I'm turning into a neurotic mess.
And that is why we drink.
Oh, hey, Mark, can we get another pitcher of this ladybug lager? Oh, uh, we're out.
What, two kegs in three days? Yeah.
There must have beena leak.
O-okay.
Well, how about-- oh, how about the Spektor Brau? Out of that too.
Oh, the beersel Abbey? You trying to be funny? Might I ask when you'll be getting more of these brands that are terrible, but you're sold out of? Sorry, I think we're gonna replace all of those with beer.
Hmm, interesting.
Highly profitable beverages not being sold by the manager.
Maybe I'll bring this up at the next investor meeting.
We run kind of a loose ship around here, Lily.
We don't have investor meetings.
Might wanna check your email.
You're bringing the Danish.
- R.
J.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, no.
- What happened? He's fine, we're fine.
Look, it's not a big deal.
Except for my near-death experience.
I must have lost my mind buying that motorcycle.
Those damn things will kill you.
So, I'm scanning the horizon, like I naturally do, and I feel the bike start leaning and leaning.
So I start pulling and pulling.
Oh, my God, how fast were you going? He was parked.
He was filling up the gas tank and he didn't have the kickstand down all the way.
That's one possibility.
So it was a freak accident.
So, Whit, put your hands away.
Or it was God's warning.
And I'm not ready to meet my makers, guys.
I still haven't told my dad that I love him.
Okay, but it's--it's not your pouring hand though, is it? No, but thank you for your concern.
So is it broken? No, it's not broken.
It's just-- it's barely a sprain.
He was wearing that brace on the other hand, like, an hour ago.
It was scary.
Another inch and-- You could have fallen into the squeegee bucket? You joke about that squeegee bucket, but you can drown in an inch of water.
Where are you going? I'm going to finish my ride.
Okay.
So how did you get here? Where's your bike? At the gas station.
That thing has the devil in it.
- Hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Yeah, look, okay.
I know what you're gonna say.
I just--I don't really feel like hearing it right now.
No, I was actually just gonna say have fun.
Really? Look, I hate this thing.
And I'm gonna worry every time you're on it, but you made it very clear that it's not going away, so I just have to accept it.
And I can see that it makes you real happy, so have fun.
Obamacare is coming.
Come here.
Thanks, Whit.
And thanks, Obama.
Hey, you know, um, R.
J.
's helmet will probably fit you.
You wanna ride bitch? Oh, you wanna rephrase that, bitch? Come for a ride with me.
No.
I'll see you at home.
By the way, I think she's had work done.
Hey, what are you doing? Are you writing another email to Earl Wacker? It's Brian Urlacher.
And no, it's his turn to write.
I'm posting an ad online.
Oh, for what? I'm selling the motorcycle.
Oh, but I-I said it was okay to keep it.
No, I said it was okay to keep it.
Right.
Then why are you selling it? All right, I'm gonna tell you something, but I don't want you to think that you're anything special.
Don't worry, my parents took care of that.
Look, the other day I rode along the lake to this cool little diner and I watched the sunset.
You watched a sunset by the lake.
Were you trying to get the bike pregnant? The point is, is that, it should have been great, you know.
But it was only okay.
I just--I couldn't have any fun knowing how worried you are.
And it really pissed me off.
So, you win.
Okay, this is not about winning, but great, thank you.
And look, if something like this comes up again, I don't wanna have the same argument, all right? And I certainly don't respond well to you immediately just shutting me down with a no.
Okay.
Okay.
- But you understand-- - I .
.
But you can't ask me to live my life in bubble wrap.
Why not? That sounds really fun.
I mean, I wanna go whitewater rafting.
I wanna--I wanna go hang gliding.
That I'm fine with.
I'll do that stuff with you.
Really? Because I would love that.
Yes, of course.
But I feel like we should do it kinda soon before we have our weird kids.
You really think we're gonna have weird kids? Are you serious? With your hair and my mouth, I'm giving birth to a more annoying Steven Tyler.
Yeah.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- I didn't order this.
- I did.
It's Belgian chocolate beer.
Well, it's going back to Belgia.
Just like your German brau and your Portuguese monk juice.
This is a bar, not the olympic village.
R.
J.
, install the keg.
R.
J.
, take it back.
You two, figure it out.
I was just in a horrific motorcycle accident.
You know what? Y'all selfish.
I'll do it.
Mother.
You know what, leave it.
I'll do this later.
All right, forget it.
I'm going to the bar down the street.
Oh, she's bluffing.
She was already there today.
You know what, you guys are ruining a really great thing here.
I don't come here to listen to your bickering.
I come here to relax and fill the dark, empty hole in my soul.
It's bottomless, you guys.
Mark, Lily's ideas are making you money.
Why are you being so stubborn? Because It Wasn't my idea.
Okay, now we're getting somewhere.
- Wow.
- That's a man right there.
I mean, just coming out and admitting something that stupid.
Look, Mark, all I was trying to do was-- Take over everything.
All I ever wanted to be was the boss.
Now I'm the youngest brother all over again.
I never got to be Batman.
I always had to be Robin.
And I'm sick of it.
I'm Batman! Okay.
Got it.
Wasn't trying to take over the Batcave.
Sure felt like it.
Well, you know what, Mark? Just so you know, part of being a boss is taking other peoples' good ideas and then just pretending they're yours.
Fine, I'll do that.
But going forward, please don't make decisions without telling me first.
Totally got it.
When the painters show up, just let me do the talking.
- Hey.
- Hi, guys.
How was the helicopter ride? - It was awesome.
- I puked.
He puked.
Yeah, that's the stuff.
Oh, Alex, have you sold your motorcycle yet? Not yet.
Why? You wanna buy it? No, he doesn't.
Uh, oh, okay.
I'm cut off.
I'm Batman.