A.P. Bio (2017) s02e12 Episode Script
Ride the Ram
1 [CAR DOOR CREAKS, SLAMS.]
["THE FIRE THAT KEEPS YOU WARM" PLAYING.]
Hey, hey, hey Let me walk in the sunshine of your smile Let me hide in the shadows of your eyes Of your eyes Let me lie in the safety of your arms Hey, good morning, Lynette.
How's the cult going? Has it turned yet, or are you guys still in the peace and love phase? - Nice one, Jack.
- Thank you.
But just so you know, you are the one that's blowing it.
- How so? - Spirit week.
- It's 70's day.
We play Prairie tomorrow.
- Okay, so you're doing a whole new look just because of a stupid school rivalry.
Why? Basic idea is that it's fun.
Also, to be honest, I really hope we beat them by a lot, and hope their bus crashes into the swamp.
Gosh, it must be exhausting pretending to care about stuff.
Nope.
Not exhausting at all.
Suck it Prairie! Oh, suck it Prairie! - Yeah! - Oh, this guy.
Jack, happy Spirit Week.
My favorite week of the year oh, well, it would be if we can just beat the Prairie Rams once - during my regime.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- They're the Rams too? - Yeah.
That's why it's called the Ram Cup, as I was telling you last night.
Right, right.
Speaking of, thanks for helping move my old fridge out.
I really appreciate that.
Yeah.
And your delts are thanking you as well.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Uh-oh.
- [LAUGHS.]
Well, you know, anytime you need an old appliance moved to the curb, you let me know, or we could go to the gym and you know, lift weights for real.
That could be cool, - assuming no one there is mean.
- Right, right.
Hey, since you offered, I do need some help moving in my new fridge.
All I require is my usual payment of 2.
5 beers and a full sesh of B.
S.
.
[LAUGHS.]
You got it, pal.
Thank you.
Oh, and don't forget about my birthday dinner tonight, 7:00 p.
m.
sharp at Mancy's.
Oh, yes, that's right.
Yeah, tonight.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hi, birthday boy.
Don't make a big deal out of it, okay? [SING-SONG.]
I wouldn't go in there if I were you.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Guys, you did not have to do this.
I am very - [THROWING UP.]
- Blessed.
Oh God, no, please, Helen.
You were supposed to keep people out.
Oh God, don't look at me.
Don't look at my body! [CRIES.]
He came in fifth in the snow crab eating contest.
Turns out all the snow crabs were rotten.
Helen, why did you tell me not to come in here in such a sing-song-y voice? I don't know, maybe it's 'cause you're my favorite person in the whole wide world.
[SING-SONG.]
I wouldn't look in that garbage can behind you if I were you.
- Fine.
- [LAUGHS.]
[THROWS UP.]
Someone's a little dense.
- Ugh! - Oh! Next time I'll listen to my heart Next time, well I'll be smart A.
P.
Bio 2x12 Ride the Ram [CLOCK TICKING.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
Shh.
[JAUNTY CLOCK-LIKE MUSIC.]
Huh.
Today, guys, I need excuses I can use to ditch a birthday party.
Just tell your mom there will be drugs at the party.
Then your mom will call their mom - and it'll get canceled.
- That was you? You could say you are memorizing portions of the Torah for a bar mitzvah.
Mm, mm-hmm.
Again, guys, this would be me saying this, an adult Gentile.
So, I actually use this one all the time.
So you pour a glass of water on your shoes and then you tell people that your sister's water broke right before you got there, and they'll be like, "Well, why don't you go be there with her at the hospital?" And then you jet, baby.
Hmm, interesting.
Uh, anyone else? Mr.
G, whose party is it? So, Durbin helped move my fridge the other day, and he's leveraging that into a forced appearance at his birthday thing.
He helped you move your fridge? - Mm-hmm.
- And furthermore, he's inviting you to a party? That's two good things: moving the fridge as one and an invitation to a party as two.
Two good things.
You have to go if he helped you move your fridge.
Yeah, okay.
All right, I get it, I get it.
Thank you.
All right, well, I guess I gotta at least make an appearance, you know? Especially since I need his help moving my new fridge in tomorrow.
Ah, let's see.
Sarika, make a list of reasons to leave Durbin's stupid party early.
All right, everybody call out those reasons again.
Uh, there's the drug one, the Jewish one Just sit regular and it'll be fine.
And Well, we did our part to win the Spirit Week blood drive.
You know, if we won, it'd make Durbin so happy.
Plus, we got these free cookies.
[LAUGHTER.]
It's so much fun to spoil Durbs once a year.
I spent the last three months working on a banner for the basketball game.
I hope he likes it.
- ALL: Oh! - Nice.
Unrelated: I found us three Barbara Streisand tickets.
- Oh! - Eh, eh.
I won't seat above mezzanine.
I plan on dancing big and I don't need some Mom telling me that I'm blocking the view for her sick son.
Em, I think that was a one-time thing.
- Yeah? - Oh, shoot, my phone is dying.
- Oh, plug it in! - It's okay.
- Go.
- We have got to see this.
- Mm-hmm.
- I can't believe the Mom from "Meet the Fockers" is gonna try and sing.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Sorry, classroom TV.
What up? Hi, I'm looking for the Durbin party.
- Mr.
Griffin? - Yeah.
So nice of you to show up.
That sweet man has been waiting for over an hour.
Oh, no.
Please tell me I'm not this late for a one-on-one birthday dinner.
Yep.
Agh.
[ANIMATED MUSIC.]
- Hi.
- Jack, you're here.
Yeah, um, I made it.
[LAUGHS.]
Thank you.
Yeah, I'm so sorry I'm late.
I, ah, I was um I had to study the Torah.
Oh, you are converting to Judaism? I had no idea.
Yeah, no, I'm I'm just considering it.
You know, they want me pretty bad.
- Well [LAUGHS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
So is it really just you and me, man? Yeah, every year, for my birthday, I invite one friend so we can really talk, and this year, you are that friend.
Well, I am honored.
[LAUGHS.]
Can I get you started with anything? Yeah, no, I can be probably be ready soon.
Birthday boy, you want to go first? No, Jack, you go ahead.
I'm having surgery tomorrow, so I can't have any food after 8:00.
That's why I made the reservation for 7:00.
Oh, my God.
You're having surgery tomorrow? Super early.
Reverse vasectomy.
Kind of a birthday present for myself.
Oh, gosh, everything you're saying is making me very sad.
No, no, it should make you feel happy.
- Oh.
- I'm reclaiming my virility.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I'm gonna give you some more time.
No.
no, no.
He is gonna have a ribeye and a martini.
Nothing for me, of course.
At least I can see and smell and maybe touch my favorite meal.
Oh, well [LAUGHS.]
Okay.
- Ah.
- So What's in the bag? The b Oh.
Uh, that's your birthday present.
What? Yeah.
Yeah, I had to.
Just from the bookstore across the street.
Jack.
"A Bayesian Perspective on Queeny".
- Quine.
- Quine.
- Yeah.
He was a philosopher.
- Oh! I just learned two things.
I thought maybe you would love that.
No one has ever given me anything like this.
- I cannot wait.
- Yeah - I'm gonna save the bag.
- Cool.
Ah, so Yeah.
Yeah.
[PIANO MUSIC.]
[LOUD SWALLOWING.]
[ANIMATED MUSIC.]
[PHONE CHIMES.]
I got the Streisand tickets! [LAUGHS.]
Yes.
Okay.
All right.
[REFRIGERATOR WHIRRS.]
Oh no! That's gonna be some hot blood.
- Ooh, that is cutting nice.
- It is.
Ah, God.
Are you sure you don't want a bite? Oh, I wish.
It's too risky.
It's only a couple of hours before they re-doodle - my noodle.
- [LAUGHS.]
They're you gonna tinker with your dinker.
They are gonna let loose my baby juice! ALL: Happy birthday to I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.
I just I can't believe I just talked about my junk to the wait staff.
Here, let me make a wish.
Hang on, no, it's still happened.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Here, you know what? You can thank my doodle for this, 'cause I can't eat it.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[BELL RINGS.]
I heard the hicks from Prairie are gonna toilet paper Whitlock tonight.
Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! We should kidnap their peppiest cheerleader and put her in a glass case.
You guys talking about Prairie? I got mixed up with one of those Prairie hicks.
It was the summer.
2017.
I met Chaz Gurd at 4-H.
He had a pond rowboat, frogs, the whole deal.
We skinny dipped in the moonlight and held each other as the black night bore down upon us.
Okay, we get it.
All right.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Guys, you are not gonna believe this.
I had the best time at Durbin's birthday thing last night.
Huh, what's this? Principal Durbin came by and returned your book.
He seemed pretty upset.
I think he might have been crying - and limping.
- Oh, no.
What did you do this time, Jack? Well, Marissa, I I left a very incriminating bookmark in the book I panicked-gifted to Durbin.
Ooh! This is a bad sucky feeling.
[LAUGHS.]
It's just an all-around crappy, sucky-ass situation, and there's nothing that can be done.
- You could apologize.
- Nah.
No.
No, I thought about that, but it kind of doesn't work in real life, you know.
You're right boss.
It doesn't work.
I tried apologizing to Chaz Gurd for breaking his heart, but he keeps sending me shirtless photos on his tractor.
Counterpoint.
It worked when I wet my younger brother's bed from beneath it.
He forgave me.
You wet his bed from underneath? How did? I'm not gonna discuss it any further.
Yeah.
Ah, hey, Helen, is, um, Ralph in? No, he's at the morgue! He didn't make it through surgery.
Helen, let me handle this.
And could you get some more crotch ice for my paper underpants, please? Mr.
Griffin, can I help you? Ah, do you mind if we? [LOUD TYPING.]
Ralph, I am, um I'm so sorry.
Man, really, I I wasn't trying to get out of a one-on-one dinner with you.
I need you to know that.
I thought it was going to be a whole big group thing - Ralph, it's not about that.
- Jack, Jack, it's okay.
Hey, I realized that this friendship is it's fool's gold.
Th-there's no gold in this river, so I'm gonna pack up my pan and shovel, and my sluice boxes and my suction dredges, and I'm gonna move on.
You're reading about gold panning? Maybe.
But that's something I would tell a friend, not a coworker.
Have a good day, Mr.
Griffin.
Okay.
[SIGHS.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Oh God! Have a good day, Mr.
Griffin.
I know.
Ralph, I'm she's All right, I'm going.
I'm gonna [BELL RINGS.]
[ANIMATED MUSIC.]
Ladies, do you see that? Do you see that blood being thrown out? I did that.
I ruined that blood.
I unplugged the fridge to charge my phone.
You ruined a full day of blood donations? Don't say it like I meant to do it.
It was a mistake.
We have to catch Whitlock up, or we're gonna lose to those Prairie hicks.
We need to find more donors stat.
I hear you need blood! We are winning this blood drive, and I will be God dang if Jack is gonna ruin Spirit Week and Ralph's birthday.
Drain me.
Are you sure? You've already given twice.
Oh, honey, I'm a regular tomato soup factory.
I gonna make myself go to sleep and you tell them to just keep on taking it.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Word on the street is Durbin hates you.
Oh, yeah, yeah, it's a little rough.
You know I lost my principal friend, and just when he was about to hook me up with JV volleyball tickets.
Bummer, man.
Front row too.
You know, Jack, this whole detached routine is getting a little boring.
I know you care about Durbin.
Isn't it exhausting pretending that you don't? Not exhausting.
Suck it, Prairie.
What? Where are you going? Wait.
[DRUM MUSIC.]
Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Enjoy the game.
And I can now announce that Prairie has won the tug of war! [APPLAUSE.]
Oh my God, Mary! That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Ooh, I should get a quick pic for Durbin.
He hasn't seen it yet.
I guess he's in the bathroom.
- [ANIMATED MUSIC.]
- Oh! Ah, I was trying to find the dang camera app.
Why did I put it in a folder? And now for the results of this year's Spirit Week blood drive challenge.
The winner is the Whitlock Rams! [APPLAUSE.]
Oh my God, Helen, you did it.
You gave so much blood that you won the blood drive for us.
Oh, that's so great.
All right, next up, we've got the mascot dunk contest.
First up, Helen DeMarcus as the Whitlock Ram.
That's me.
I have a quick question.
Are we in a tunnel? No, we're in a gym.
And you are not falling down toward me from above? - You sure you wanna do this? - Oh, yeah, I'm good.
Okay.
For Durbin.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Okay, Helen, you've got this.
Stay focused.
All right, here we go.
No! [DISTORTED.]
This is not good! Holy! [SHATTERED GLASS.]
Font! [CROWD MURMURING.]
What do you think? Low two? Two? [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
[ANIMATED MUSIC.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Ah, yo, a little help here? Ask one of your friends, dummy.
See you.
Wouldn't want to be you.
[HEAVY BREATHING, GRUNTS.]
[ANIMATED DRUM MUSIC.]
CROWD: Five, four, three, two, one! - [BUZZER SOUNDS.]
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
And Prairie beats Whitlock, 74 to 9.
That was in poor taste.
Damn, we got housed.
Well, it all comes down to this, ladies and gents.
It's the principal showdown, featuring Principal Durbin from Whitlock High, versus Dr.
Stumpf, from Prairie High! Remember, the principals don't know what the mystery challenge is.
Will it be a battle of wits? No! It's riding mechanical rams - Oh my God.
- From hell! [ENGINE ROARING.]
What the hell? Whichever principal stays on longer wins.
No.
Ralph, you cannot do this.
Your tubes are too tender.
Helen, I have to.
I can tough it out - for Whitlock.
- Hey, Ralph.
This does not concern you, Mr.
Griffin.
Come on, Durbin, time for you to lose again.
Tenth year in a row for you to lose, you loser.
[LAUGHS.]
Ralph, you cannot do this.
He can't do this.
That means Whitlock forfeits and loses the Ram Cup.
Hold on a second.
Hold on.
What if, uh? What if I ride the bull instead of Principal Durbin? You know, for medical reasons.
That is some [BLEEP.]
typical Whitlock [BLEEP.]
.
Eh, let me see.
Jack, what are you doing? I'm not gonna help you move your new fridge in your house.
My new fridge is in, don't worry about it.
I'm doing this for you, pal.
So, you can, you know, let loose you baby juice, remember? From the restaurant dinner? I agree to let you ride if I can have a designated rider as well.
- Yeah.
That seems fair.
- Ah.
Hey, Chaz.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Alright from Prairie High, third year senior and semi-professional bull rider, Chaz Gurd.
Yeah! Let's go! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Is that? - Yep.
And from Whitlock, middle-aged A.
P.
Bio teacher Jack Griffin! - Middle-aged? - That's what it says.
Come on, man.
I'm, you know.
I crap bigger than you.
Come on, dude, that's from "City Slickers".
- Eh? - [SPITS.]
Oh.
[ENGINES REV.]
And here we go! Let's go! Get up! CROWD: Ride the ram! Ride the ram! Ride the ram! Ride the ram! Ride the ram! Ride the ram! [CHEERS.]
On your mark, get set ride! - [LAUGHS.]
- [INDISTINCT.]
[ENGINE ROARING.]
Don't worry.
I got this.
Chaz.
[VOICE ECHOING.]
[SOFT GUITAR MUSIC.]
- Oops.
- Heather? Come to me.
And Chaz Gurd has been thrown! Whitlock High are the 2019 Champions! - Yes.
- Whoo-hoo! Yeah, baby! I did it! I did it! [LAUGHS.]
Aw, man.
- Hey, so, friends? - Best friends.
That's a little much.
Come on, just razzing you, man, - like friends do.
- All right.
- Go ice those balls.
- I will.
I'm not far behind.
Oof.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Hey.
I see you found your school spirit, Jack.
No, I've just grown to hate these Prairie hicks so much that I wanted to see them lose, you know? And feel deep humiliation.
That is exactly what school spirit is.
Here.
- [INDISTINCT.]
- Geez.
Oh, come on, don't make a big deal out of this.
In the sunshine of your smile Why not, huh? That keeps you warm I'll keep you warm I'll keep you warm
["THE FIRE THAT KEEPS YOU WARM" PLAYING.]
Hey, hey, hey Let me walk in the sunshine of your smile Let me hide in the shadows of your eyes Of your eyes Let me lie in the safety of your arms Hey, good morning, Lynette.
How's the cult going? Has it turned yet, or are you guys still in the peace and love phase? - Nice one, Jack.
- Thank you.
But just so you know, you are the one that's blowing it.
- How so? - Spirit week.
- It's 70's day.
We play Prairie tomorrow.
- Okay, so you're doing a whole new look just because of a stupid school rivalry.
Why? Basic idea is that it's fun.
Also, to be honest, I really hope we beat them by a lot, and hope their bus crashes into the swamp.
Gosh, it must be exhausting pretending to care about stuff.
Nope.
Not exhausting at all.
Suck it Prairie! Oh, suck it Prairie! - Yeah! - Oh, this guy.
Jack, happy Spirit Week.
My favorite week of the year oh, well, it would be if we can just beat the Prairie Rams once - during my regime.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- They're the Rams too? - Yeah.
That's why it's called the Ram Cup, as I was telling you last night.
Right, right.
Speaking of, thanks for helping move my old fridge out.
I really appreciate that.
Yeah.
And your delts are thanking you as well.
- Really? - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Uh-oh.
- [LAUGHS.]
Well, you know, anytime you need an old appliance moved to the curb, you let me know, or we could go to the gym and you know, lift weights for real.
That could be cool, - assuming no one there is mean.
- Right, right.
Hey, since you offered, I do need some help moving in my new fridge.
All I require is my usual payment of 2.
5 beers and a full sesh of B.
S.
.
[LAUGHS.]
You got it, pal.
Thank you.
Oh, and don't forget about my birthday dinner tonight, 7:00 p.
m.
sharp at Mancy's.
Oh, yes, that's right.
Yeah, tonight.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Okay.
[DOOR OPENS.]
Hi, birthday boy.
Don't make a big deal out of it, okay? [SING-SONG.]
I wouldn't go in there if I were you.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
Mm-hmm.
Guys, you did not have to do this.
I am very - [THROWING UP.]
- Blessed.
Oh God, no, please, Helen.
You were supposed to keep people out.
Oh God, don't look at me.
Don't look at my body! [CRIES.]
He came in fifth in the snow crab eating contest.
Turns out all the snow crabs were rotten.
Helen, why did you tell me not to come in here in such a sing-song-y voice? I don't know, maybe it's 'cause you're my favorite person in the whole wide world.
[SING-SONG.]
I wouldn't look in that garbage can behind you if I were you.
- Fine.
- [LAUGHS.]
[THROWS UP.]
Someone's a little dense.
- Ugh! - Oh! Next time I'll listen to my heart Next time, well I'll be smart A.
P.
Bio 2x12 Ride the Ram [CLOCK TICKING.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
Shh.
[JAUNTY CLOCK-LIKE MUSIC.]
Huh.
Today, guys, I need excuses I can use to ditch a birthday party.
Just tell your mom there will be drugs at the party.
Then your mom will call their mom - and it'll get canceled.
- That was you? You could say you are memorizing portions of the Torah for a bar mitzvah.
Mm, mm-hmm.
Again, guys, this would be me saying this, an adult Gentile.
So, I actually use this one all the time.
So you pour a glass of water on your shoes and then you tell people that your sister's water broke right before you got there, and they'll be like, "Well, why don't you go be there with her at the hospital?" And then you jet, baby.
Hmm, interesting.
Uh, anyone else? Mr.
G, whose party is it? So, Durbin helped move my fridge the other day, and he's leveraging that into a forced appearance at his birthday thing.
He helped you move your fridge? - Mm-hmm.
- And furthermore, he's inviting you to a party? That's two good things: moving the fridge as one and an invitation to a party as two.
Two good things.
You have to go if he helped you move your fridge.
Yeah, okay.
All right, I get it, I get it.
Thank you.
All right, well, I guess I gotta at least make an appearance, you know? Especially since I need his help moving my new fridge in tomorrow.
Ah, let's see.
Sarika, make a list of reasons to leave Durbin's stupid party early.
All right, everybody call out those reasons again.
Uh, there's the drug one, the Jewish one Just sit regular and it'll be fine.
And Well, we did our part to win the Spirit Week blood drive.
You know, if we won, it'd make Durbin so happy.
Plus, we got these free cookies.
[LAUGHTER.]
It's so much fun to spoil Durbs once a year.
I spent the last three months working on a banner for the basketball game.
I hope he likes it.
- ALL: Oh! - Nice.
Unrelated: I found us three Barbara Streisand tickets.
- Oh! - Eh, eh.
I won't seat above mezzanine.
I plan on dancing big and I don't need some Mom telling me that I'm blocking the view for her sick son.
Em, I think that was a one-time thing.
- Yeah? - Oh, shoot, my phone is dying.
- Oh, plug it in! - It's okay.
- Go.
- We have got to see this.
- Mm-hmm.
- I can't believe the Mom from "Meet the Fockers" is gonna try and sing.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Sorry, classroom TV.
What up? Hi, I'm looking for the Durbin party.
- Mr.
Griffin? - Yeah.
So nice of you to show up.
That sweet man has been waiting for over an hour.
Oh, no.
Please tell me I'm not this late for a one-on-one birthday dinner.
Yep.
Agh.
[ANIMATED MUSIC.]
- Hi.
- Jack, you're here.
Yeah, um, I made it.
[LAUGHS.]
Thank you.
Yeah, I'm so sorry I'm late.
I, ah, I was um I had to study the Torah.
Oh, you are converting to Judaism? I had no idea.
Yeah, no, I'm I'm just considering it.
You know, they want me pretty bad.
- Well [LAUGHS.]
- [LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
So is it really just you and me, man? Yeah, every year, for my birthday, I invite one friend so we can really talk, and this year, you are that friend.
Well, I am honored.
[LAUGHS.]
Can I get you started with anything? Yeah, no, I can be probably be ready soon.
Birthday boy, you want to go first? No, Jack, you go ahead.
I'm having surgery tomorrow, so I can't have any food after 8:00.
That's why I made the reservation for 7:00.
Oh, my God.
You're having surgery tomorrow? Super early.
Reverse vasectomy.
Kind of a birthday present for myself.
Oh, gosh, everything you're saying is making me very sad.
No, no, it should make you feel happy.
- Oh.
- I'm reclaiming my virility.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
I'm gonna give you some more time.
No.
no, no.
He is gonna have a ribeye and a martini.
Nothing for me, of course.
At least I can see and smell and maybe touch my favorite meal.
Oh, well [LAUGHS.]
Okay.
- Ah.
- So What's in the bag? The b Oh.
Uh, that's your birthday present.
What? Yeah.
Yeah, I had to.
Just from the bookstore across the street.
Jack.
"A Bayesian Perspective on Queeny".
- Quine.
- Quine.
- Yeah.
He was a philosopher.
- Oh! I just learned two things.
I thought maybe you would love that.
No one has ever given me anything like this.
- I cannot wait.
- Yeah - I'm gonna save the bag.
- Cool.
Ah, so Yeah.
Yeah.
[PIANO MUSIC.]
[LOUD SWALLOWING.]
[ANIMATED MUSIC.]
[PHONE CHIMES.]
I got the Streisand tickets! [LAUGHS.]
Yes.
Okay.
All right.
[REFRIGERATOR WHIRRS.]
Oh no! That's gonna be some hot blood.
- Ooh, that is cutting nice.
- It is.
Ah, God.
Are you sure you don't want a bite? Oh, I wish.
It's too risky.
It's only a couple of hours before they re-doodle - my noodle.
- [LAUGHS.]
They're you gonna tinker with your dinker.
They are gonna let loose my baby juice! ALL: Happy birthday to I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.
I just I can't believe I just talked about my junk to the wait staff.
Here, let me make a wish.
Hang on, no, it's still happened.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Here, you know what? You can thank my doodle for this, 'cause I can't eat it.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
[BELL RINGS.]
I heard the hicks from Prairie are gonna toilet paper Whitlock tonight.
Damn it! Damn it! Damn it! We should kidnap their peppiest cheerleader and put her in a glass case.
You guys talking about Prairie? I got mixed up with one of those Prairie hicks.
It was the summer.
2017.
I met Chaz Gurd at 4-H.
He had a pond rowboat, frogs, the whole deal.
We skinny dipped in the moonlight and held each other as the black night bore down upon us.
Okay, we get it.
All right.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[LAUGHS.]
Guys, you are not gonna believe this.
I had the best time at Durbin's birthday thing last night.
Huh, what's this? Principal Durbin came by and returned your book.
He seemed pretty upset.
I think he might have been crying - and limping.
- Oh, no.
What did you do this time, Jack? Well, Marissa, I I left a very incriminating bookmark in the book I panicked-gifted to Durbin.
Ooh! This is a bad sucky feeling.
[LAUGHS.]
It's just an all-around crappy, sucky-ass situation, and there's nothing that can be done.
- You could apologize.
- Nah.
No.
No, I thought about that, but it kind of doesn't work in real life, you know.
You're right boss.
It doesn't work.
I tried apologizing to Chaz Gurd for breaking his heart, but he keeps sending me shirtless photos on his tractor.
Counterpoint.
It worked when I wet my younger brother's bed from beneath it.
He forgave me.
You wet his bed from underneath? How did? I'm not gonna discuss it any further.
Yeah.
Ah, hey, Helen, is, um, Ralph in? No, he's at the morgue! He didn't make it through surgery.
Helen, let me handle this.
And could you get some more crotch ice for my paper underpants, please? Mr.
Griffin, can I help you? Ah, do you mind if we? [LOUD TYPING.]
Ralph, I am, um I'm so sorry.
Man, really, I I wasn't trying to get out of a one-on-one dinner with you.
I need you to know that.
I thought it was going to be a whole big group thing - Ralph, it's not about that.
- Jack, Jack, it's okay.
Hey, I realized that this friendship is it's fool's gold.
Th-there's no gold in this river, so I'm gonna pack up my pan and shovel, and my sluice boxes and my suction dredges, and I'm gonna move on.
You're reading about gold panning? Maybe.
But that's something I would tell a friend, not a coworker.
Have a good day, Mr.
Griffin.
Okay.
[SIGHS.]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC.]
Oh God! Have a good day, Mr.
Griffin.
I know.
Ralph, I'm she's All right, I'm going.
I'm gonna [BELL RINGS.]
[ANIMATED MUSIC.]
Ladies, do you see that? Do you see that blood being thrown out? I did that.
I ruined that blood.
I unplugged the fridge to charge my phone.
You ruined a full day of blood donations? Don't say it like I meant to do it.
It was a mistake.
We have to catch Whitlock up, or we're gonna lose to those Prairie hicks.
We need to find more donors stat.
I hear you need blood! We are winning this blood drive, and I will be God dang if Jack is gonna ruin Spirit Week and Ralph's birthday.
Drain me.
Are you sure? You've already given twice.
Oh, honey, I'm a regular tomato soup factory.
I gonna make myself go to sleep and you tell them to just keep on taking it.
- Okay.
- All right.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Word on the street is Durbin hates you.
Oh, yeah, yeah, it's a little rough.
You know I lost my principal friend, and just when he was about to hook me up with JV volleyball tickets.
Bummer, man.
Front row too.
You know, Jack, this whole detached routine is getting a little boring.
I know you care about Durbin.
Isn't it exhausting pretending that you don't? Not exhausting.
Suck it, Prairie.
What? Where are you going? Wait.
[DRUM MUSIC.]
Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Enjoy the game.
And I can now announce that Prairie has won the tug of war! [APPLAUSE.]
Oh my God, Mary! That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Ooh, I should get a quick pic for Durbin.
He hasn't seen it yet.
I guess he's in the bathroom.
- [ANIMATED MUSIC.]
- Oh! Ah, I was trying to find the dang camera app.
Why did I put it in a folder? And now for the results of this year's Spirit Week blood drive challenge.
The winner is the Whitlock Rams! [APPLAUSE.]
Oh my God, Helen, you did it.
You gave so much blood that you won the blood drive for us.
Oh, that's so great.
All right, next up, we've got the mascot dunk contest.
First up, Helen DeMarcus as the Whitlock Ram.
That's me.
I have a quick question.
Are we in a tunnel? No, we're in a gym.
And you are not falling down toward me from above? - You sure you wanna do this? - Oh, yeah, I'm good.
Okay.
For Durbin.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Okay, Helen, you've got this.
Stay focused.
All right, here we go.
No! [DISTORTED.]
This is not good! Holy! [SHATTERED GLASS.]
Font! [CROWD MURMURING.]
What do you think? Low two? Two? [WHISTLE BLOWS.]
[ANIMATED MUSIC.]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Ah, yo, a little help here? Ask one of your friends, dummy.
See you.
Wouldn't want to be you.
[HEAVY BREATHING, GRUNTS.]
[ANIMATED DRUM MUSIC.]
CROWD: Five, four, three, two, one! - [BUZZER SOUNDS.]
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
And Prairie beats Whitlock, 74 to 9.
That was in poor taste.
Damn, we got housed.
Well, it all comes down to this, ladies and gents.
It's the principal showdown, featuring Principal Durbin from Whitlock High, versus Dr.
Stumpf, from Prairie High! Remember, the principals don't know what the mystery challenge is.
Will it be a battle of wits? No! It's riding mechanical rams - Oh my God.
- From hell! [ENGINE ROARING.]
What the hell? Whichever principal stays on longer wins.
No.
Ralph, you cannot do this.
Your tubes are too tender.
Helen, I have to.
I can tough it out - for Whitlock.
- Hey, Ralph.
This does not concern you, Mr.
Griffin.
Come on, Durbin, time for you to lose again.
Tenth year in a row for you to lose, you loser.
[LAUGHS.]
Ralph, you cannot do this.
He can't do this.
That means Whitlock forfeits and loses the Ram Cup.
Hold on a second.
Hold on.
What if, uh? What if I ride the bull instead of Principal Durbin? You know, for medical reasons.
That is some [BLEEP.]
typical Whitlock [BLEEP.]
.
Eh, let me see.
Jack, what are you doing? I'm not gonna help you move your new fridge in your house.
My new fridge is in, don't worry about it.
I'm doing this for you, pal.
So, you can, you know, let loose you baby juice, remember? From the restaurant dinner? I agree to let you ride if I can have a designated rider as well.
- Yeah.
That seems fair.
- Ah.
Hey, Chaz.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
Alright from Prairie High, third year senior and semi-professional bull rider, Chaz Gurd.
Yeah! Let's go! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
- Is that? - Yep.
And from Whitlock, middle-aged A.
P.
Bio teacher Jack Griffin! - Middle-aged? - That's what it says.
Come on, man.
I'm, you know.
I crap bigger than you.
Come on, dude, that's from "City Slickers".
- Eh? - [SPITS.]
Oh.
[ENGINES REV.]
And here we go! Let's go! Get up! CROWD: Ride the ram! Ride the ram! Ride the ram! Ride the ram! Ride the ram! Ride the ram! [CHEERS.]
On your mark, get set ride! - [LAUGHS.]
- [INDISTINCT.]
[ENGINE ROARING.]
Don't worry.
I got this.
Chaz.
[VOICE ECHOING.]
[SOFT GUITAR MUSIC.]
- Oops.
- Heather? Come to me.
And Chaz Gurd has been thrown! Whitlock High are the 2019 Champions! - Yes.
- Whoo-hoo! Yeah, baby! I did it! I did it! [LAUGHS.]
Aw, man.
- Hey, so, friends? - Best friends.
That's a little much.
Come on, just razzing you, man, - like friends do.
- All right.
- Go ice those balls.
- I will.
I'm not far behind.
Oof.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Hey.
I see you found your school spirit, Jack.
No, I've just grown to hate these Prairie hicks so much that I wanted to see them lose, you know? And feel deep humiliation.
That is exactly what school spirit is.
Here.
- [INDISTINCT.]
- Geez.
Oh, come on, don't make a big deal out of this.
In the sunshine of your smile Why not, huh? That keeps you warm I'll keep you warm I'll keep you warm