According To Jim s02e12 Episode Script

"And Little Red Riding Hood said, "'Grandma, what big eyes you have.
' "And the wolf said, "'The better to see you with.
'" Daddy, can you read it without the voices? Why? I thought you loved the voices.
We're big girls now.
Oh.
That's right.
You're big girls now.
That's okay.
Well, you're big enough now to check under your beds yourself for the monsters, then, right? - We're little girls! - We're little girls! Oh, baby! Oh, this place looks fabulous.
Relax, revitalize, rejuvenate at the Fairmark Hotel and Spa.
Would you look at those mineral baths? Mmm.
Don't they look amazing? That could be you, Cheryl.
Oh, man! - You know, without the good-looking guy there.
- Oh.
Well, I have just completed my best all-time nap.
Better than college? Yes.
Honey.
Yes? Dana was just showing me this brochure for these incredible romantic getaways.
Oh, honey.
We don't have to get away to be romantic.
We've been romantic in the bedroom.
We've been romantic in the kitchen.
We've even had romance in that chair.
Oh, for God's sake! Honey, come on! What? We never go away, just you and me without the kids.
Oh, please! Milwaukee? My father's funeral? Yes.
I'm sorry, honey.
I find it hard to remember.
I was crying the whole time.
Yeah, well, we both got through it together.
You were doing cannonballs in the hotel pool.
Everybody grieves in their own way, Dana.
Mommy, the truck's here.
Oh! My couch is here.
My couch is here.
Okay.
See there, I just spent $800 on a couch.
So, every time you sit down, it's like taking a little mini vacation.
Oh! Okay.
Okay.
- You love it? - Yeah.
I just love it.
That's it.
Right there.
Wow! That's even more beautiful than I remember.
I know, but I'm gonna miss this old thing.
We made Kyle on this couch.
I'm just going to sit on the stairs.
Are they safe? Which one? All right.
New couch rule number one.
No liquids near the couch, ever.
How about solids and gases? Honey, kids.
What? The kids don't get that.
Did you get that? It's a fart joke, right? Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! - We didn't order a second couch.
- Okay.
No, no.
No, no, no.
This is a mistake.
No, no.
No, no.
Oh, no.
I ordered one couch.
- One, guys.
One.
- One.
One.
Two.
One, two.
Two.
No.
Honey, I don't think they understand English.
Here.
Here's a language everybody understands.
Is that a one dollar bill, Jim? Yes.
Dana, in their country, this can clothe and feed an entire village for a year.
Okay.
Couch.
Away.
Take second couch away.
Away.
Away.
Away.
Away.
Away.
Away.
Away.
Away.
Honey, honey, they're leaving.
No, no.
I gave them a whole dollar.
They're probably going out to get bread.
That's their way of saying thank you.
Yeah.
They're gone.
Well, they probably went to go clothe and feed their village.
Man! This is a comfortable couch.
Makes me wish I had two asses.
Don't give up on the dream.
Mmm Damn! I got to figure out a way to bring this door closer to my chair.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
No.
No.
Jim, what's going on? I thought you called Couch Emporium and told them to take back the second couch.
No, no.
I did.
I did.
No, no, no.
You were supposed to take the second couch away, not bring us another one.
Wait, wait.
No, no.
No, no, no, no.
Take.
Take.
- Take.
- You take.
- You take.
Take.
- You take.
You Oh.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Andy, Andy, Andy.
Grab the other side of that.
We'll take it to the truck ourselves.
All right.
Andy, what are you doing? Come on.
The last time I lifted something heavy without stretching, I threw out my back.
You feeling me? Come on.
Andy? Are you okay? Don't try and move me.
Deal.
Hey! Get back here! No! Don't wave and smile.
I'm mad at you.
That's it.
That's it.
I'll show them.
We'll keep the couches.
Oh, Jim.
You can't keep the couches.
They'll charge us for them.
Well, they can't charge us.
I didn't sign anything.
No, no.
That doesn't make it right, Jim.
They're still not ours.
Honey, we tried to give it back to them.
They don't want them.
In my book, that's a gift.
I can't believe you'd even suggest that.
Is that the example you want to set for our kids? Darn right, it is.
I want to show Corporate America, don't mess with Jim Q.
Public.
Because if you do, I'm going to keep your damn couches.
And just maybe, maybe, one day, our kids will grow up in a country where this nightmare will never happen again.
The nightmare of too many couches? From sea to shining sea.
You know what, honey? Just call the company.
Fine.
Fine.
I thought we had the same vision of America.
I guess I'm wrong.
Please don't hang up.
Your call is important to us.
Remember, at Couch Emporium, you are our most valued customer.
- Couch Emporium.
- - May I help you? Yes.
Hello.
Hello.
I have been on hold for 50 minutes.
You cannot do that to me, because I'm I'm I'm a celebrity.
Martin Sheen.
- Listen.
- Here's the thing.
You guys put on my credit card the one couch I bought, but you credited me with three couches.
No, no, no.
Don't transfer me.
I'm trying to give you money back.
Hello? Hello? Who would have thought buying a couch would be so complicated? It's a cautionary tale.
Do you know what? I'm just going to keep the money.
I'm going to keep the money.
Jim! Why not? You know Cheryl would never go along with that.
You know what? She'd go along with it if I took her on one of those romantic getaways she's been yapping about.
Doubtful.
No.
No, no.
Hey, you know when we were kids, we collected money for UNICEF.
She actually called the UN to see if the money went where it's supposed to go.
She's good to the bone, Jim.
Yeah.
Yes, she is.
I'm planning on getting into heaven with Cheryl, plus guest.
What are you doing? What are you doing? Oh, my back still hurts.
Can you walk on it for me? Yeah.
Hey.
I know a way around the money thing.
How? Nah.
It would require you lying to Cheryl.
Well, just for fun.
What might that lie be? Tell her you got it from the Johnson remodel.
We didn't do a Johnson remodel.
Or did we? I seem to recall a pretty hefty bonus for finishing the job ahead of schedule.
Yeah.
That's right.
That's right.
That guy was so happy, that he offered to take us on his private yacht around the world.
Yeah.
Let's keep it simple, Jim.
Keep it simple.
All right.
You ready? Bring it.
All right.
Here we go.
Oh, yeah! Oh! Oh, okay.
Right there.
That's the spot.
Oh, right there.
Grind it, baby.
Grind it.
That's it.
That's too weird.
Thank you.
- Oh, my God! - I'm loving it! I love this room.
- I can't believe this! - Oh, my God! This is incredible.
Isn't this great? Wait! Look at this view! Oh, honey! Honey! Fresh flowers! Fresh flowers.
Fresh flowers? Be careful.
- Honey! - Honey! Look at this.
The remote.
It's not even bolted down.
Hey! No mirror.
Hey.
It's me.
- Guess where I am.
- Where? In the bathroom, next to the fridge.
Honey, this place is amazing.
It must have cost a fortune.
Yes, yes, it did, but, thank God, that bonus came in just in time, huh.
Boo! This place is huge! I didn't even see you.
I still don't remember you doing a Johnson remodel.
Yeah.
Right.
I'm lying, Cheryl.
I woke up this morning and I said, "You know, I'm going to lie to my wife today.
"Make my life go easier.
" Shut up! Oh, honey.
Oh, you are the best, the absolute best.
Okay.
Okay.
Save it for the Jacuzzi.
The Jacuzzi.
You got to see the Jacuzzi.
Oh, yeah.
Oh! Dear, you're terrific.
You got magic fingers.
Hey, Cheryl, I'm feeling a little guilty because I'm probably getting a better massage.
Jim, for the last time, I'm not trading.
Okay, we done.
Okay, Olga.
Thank you.
You know what, you nice ladies, I'm going to give you a $40 tip.
Oh.
Well, I've never done that sober.
Thank you, Mr.
Jim.
I bring you bread.
Can you believe we just got massages? Oh, honey, you know, I got to tell you, you're very sexy when you spend money.
Really? Yeah.
Tell me, are you as filthy as you are filthy rich? Well, that depends who's asking.
Well, who do you think is asking? I think that I'm asking? All right.
I'm not sure where we're going with this, so I'll be back in a minute, and why don't you uncork the bubbly? Maybe I will.
Depends who's asking.
All right.
You know what, we're passed that.
Would you just open the champagne? Yeah.
Oh! I hope that's my pedicure.
- Hello.
- Hello, sir.
I'm Tom Mist.
I am the general manager.
Oh, hi, Tom.
Come on in.
I'm afraid there is a problem with your credit card.
Oh, you see what happens, I carry it in my back pocket, and it probably wore off that magnetic strip.
You know, I mean, I sweat like a pig back there.
Yes.
The Sultan of Brunei said the same thing.
I'm afraid you've reached your credit limit.
That's impossible.
I know I have a $2400 credit on my credit card.
- Damn.
- The couch people.
It's the couch people.
They did it.
Are the couch people here now? No, no, no.
You see, they accidentally gave me $2400 of credit on my credit card, and they must have found that mistake and reversed it.
That's what happened.
Yes.
Well Perhaps you'd like to use another card? Well, yeah.
But, you see, Tom, you remember there was that coup in Switzerland.
And they froze my assets in the city of Switzerland.
Obviously, you're very wealthy.
Well, yes.
Yes.
But unless you can find another form of payment, please vacate the suite by 6:00.
That would be 1:00 a.
m.
in Switzerland.
Oh, it's 20 minutes.
How's the bill? $10 for a bottle of water.
$18 for orange juice! $135 for a facial.
Man! Why did I get that facial? Honey.
Honey.
Honey! Hello, baby.
Have I told you how much I love this robe? It is so yummy and plush.
Hey, hey.
I want to be buried in it.
Okay.
Okay.
Honey.
You haven't opened the champagne.
Do we really need that? I mean, can't we hang out for a couple of hours without the booze.
Well, Honey Oh, okay! I mean it.
I thought it would be fun to sip champagne while we sit in the Jacuzzi.
And, well, you know what? I don't know.
This lifestyle here has really corrupted you.
Isn't it great? Corrupt me more.
- Hey! You know what - You know, hey I can't do this.
I'll just be thinking of Olga the whole time.
Let's go.
Honey! Come on.
Come on.
Let's go.
What is wrong with you? Nothing.
Everything's fine.
Well, honey, I just I just offered myself to you and you want to go home.
Something is wrong.
No! I'll be honest with you, honey.
I think I left the stove on.
I miss the kids.
Jim! You know I can't poop when I'm away.
I gotta go.
I gotta go back.
I gotta go home.
What did you do? Okay.
All right.
This is not an all together funny story, okay.
But there are some funny parts.
I really encourage you to laugh at the funny parts, okay.
Uh, you know the money we've spent on this weekend Mmm-hmm.
Uh It didn't come from the Johnson job.
- What? - Here's the funny part.
There wasn't a Johnson job.
Actually the money came from the Couch Emporium.
They charged us for one couch, but they credited us for three of them.
So, I've been spending that money instead.
But, you know what happened.
Couch Emporium found out the mistake and they took the money back, and so now That's the funny part, you know.
So, that's pretty funny, isn't it? So, you've been paying for our weekend with somebody else's money? Yes.
That's why it was light, sexy, fun.
Now that it is on my dime, we're going.
Actually, if we're not out of here in 10 minutes, they're going to charge us for another night of this hotel.
Well, I'm not paying that.
What? What? Are you okay with this? What do you want me to say? What do you want me to say, that I'm happy that you deceived me, that it's okay to spend money that isn't ours? Well, that would be cool.
Oh, come on, honey.
You wanted to get away.
We got away for one night.
So what? Come on.
Do you know why it meant so much to me that we got away? Because Look at me.
I thought you were spending our money on us.
Because you thought we were worth it.
Oh, honey, I love you like crazy.
Oh! But nobody is worth a $12 bag of nuts.
$18 for orange juice.
Ten dollars.
Does that feel better? We can jump up and down.
No.
That's not doing anything.
There's no weight like Jim weight.
Well, if you want Jim weight, why don't you just lie down on the driveway and I can back my car over you? All right.
We're home.
Mom and Dad are home.
Cheryl.
How come you can't give me the silent treatment when I'm watching SportsCenter? - Hey.
- Hello.
Hey.
What are you guys doing back? Uh, well, we, uh, missed our children.
What'd you bring us? What'd you bring us? Oh, I got you something.
For you, I've a shoehorn.
For my little one Aftershave! Great.
I needed a shoehorn and aftershave.
You're kind of quiet, Cheryl.
What's the matter? Jim too cheap to finish the weekend? Oh, my gosh, it was just a joke.
All right.
I get it.
You're mad.
I'm not mad, Jim.
I'm frustrated.
Oh, not frustrated.
I can't do anything with that.
Any chance that you're hungry, horny, or sleepy? Okay.
Now, I'm mad.
Okay.
Now, we're getting somewhere.
Cheryl, whatever happened to, "Never going to bed angry"? Yeah.
Let's put a pin in that tonight.
Okay.
How about, "Never going to bed sarcastic"? Okay.
I know you worry about bills, and college tuition, and Yes.
our retirement.
And Jim, I love you for that.
I don't know anybody who's a better provider than you are.
Thank you.
But sometimes, you got to forget about all that and just remember what's really important.
Me? No.
You? No, Jim.
I'm talking about us.
I was almost there.
I was this close to "us".
Jim.
I just don't understand why it was such a big deal for us to go and have one carefree weekend alone.
It wasn't a big deal, honey.
That's why we went to the Fairmark Hotel.
We got rubs.
We got room service.
We went! No, we went because you thought you were going to get away with spending dirty couch money.
Yes.
Duh! What's the matter with that? Okay.
Do you remember a long, long time ago, before we had kids? You were so thin.
Yeah.
And your hair wasn't.
That was a joke.
I know, honey.
And it was hilarious, but it's not joke time.
Okay, the point is, we have so much responsibility now Yes.
and so much pressure That's right.
and everything we do is for somebody else.
That's We got the kids, the house and your job.
Right.
You get it.
That's right.
Right.
Exactly.
And that's just the way life is right now, Cheryl.
All right? I mean, it's the circle of life.
Didn't you learn anything from The Lion King? I did, and it's great, and it's right, and it's exactly as it should be.
Okay, come here.
Honey.
Honey.
I don't get it, then.
I know, okay.
Honey, look.
I wouldn't trade my life now for anything.
I wouldn't.
Honey, I don't want to wake up one day and find out we've forgotten something in the mix.
Jim.
I don't want to forget about us.
Look at me.
We are the glue that holds all of this together.
I hate you when you make sense.
Yeah, well, you ought to be used to it by now.
All right.
I get it.
Okay.
Hey, let's go back to the hotel.
What? Yeah, come on.
Let's go back.
No, no Why not? We can go now.
Right now.
No.
I don't want you to do this for me.
No, no, no, no.
It's not for you, honey.
It isn't.
It really isn't.
It's for us.
Oh, my God! You get it.
Freaky, huh? Yes.
All right.
Come on.
Let's go.
Let's go now.
Oh, I Are you sure? I don't know.
Depends who's asking.
Mmm-hmm.
Well, that depends who's asking who's asking.
Well, whoever it may be.
We're not very good at this one.
No.
No.
Honey, if it ever comes down to either you or money, I'll always pick you.
Aw! Eventually.
Honey, it just takes a little time to get there, that's all.
Okay.
I'm going to go tell them we're going back.
Okay.
Honey, I love you.
Oh, honey.
I love you, too.
It's going to be fun.
Yeah, it is.
I love spending money.
"$10 a bottle" What a racket.
Hello.
I come from Mother Russia to thank you for giving us US $1 bill.
You feed and clothe our village for entire year.
I bring bread.