American Auto (2021) s02e12 Episode Script

1
Best of all, the Pika's low price
will draw a new market
of first-time buyers
to your dealerships,
young people that you can
turn into lifelong customers.
And we will help with the biggest
marketing campaign
in our company's history.
Hopefully big applause.
And, uh, thank you.
- [chuckles]
- [sucks teeth]
Yeah, well, I mean,
I I thought that was, uh
That was really
Yeah, it was actually great.
Yeah. That's what I was gonna say.
It's actually actually great.
- Why "actually"?
- A-plus
As long as you don't deliver it
in that voice,
which you obviously won't.
So, uh, any last thoughts?
Uh, dealers arrive tomorrow.
I think we really want to wow them.
One question. Regarding those high-end,
bespoke graphic renderings
- Cyrus helped with the slides.
- Thank you.
Well, uh, really nice job, Sadie.
Whew. Huge relief.
- Yeah.
- I've done nights, weekends
Not a lot of showers this month.
Yeah, we could tell. I was about to do
a drive-by Febrezin' up in here.
So we're cool to lock down those slides?
Absolutely. Good to go.
Great.
Y-you know, actually,
maybe that curvy road
towards the end
should bend to the right.
You know, that hard left turn,
it really kind of threw me.
- Yeah, easy.
- Yeah.
- Right turn.
- [chuckles] Yeah.
I'm sorry. And just one teeny, teeny,
teeny little thing Uh, the font
I was actually gonna say,
the font's a bit
Yeah. [both groan]
- Yeah.
- I will look at the font.
- Yeah.
- Great.
Something else.
What what was off? What was it?
Um, uh, there
There might be one slide
- Yeah.
- We didn't need.
It dragged. It dragged in the middle.
- Yeah.
- It really did.
- It got very draggy.
- I'm glad you said it.
What else don't we love?
Let you know what, Sadie?
Why don't you just bring
the slides back up.
- We can get into it.
- Okay.
- Heh.
- Great.
Slide number one.
Ooh, yeah, this one was a stinker.
Bom bom bom-bom-bom-bom-bom ♪
Buh buh bom-bom-bom
buh bom-bom-bom-bom ♪
[chorus vocalizing]
So the curtains open,
Katherine drives the Pika out,
pops the trunk,
and a hundred furry
little pikas hop out.
The animal handler just texted.
- She'll be here in a minute.
- Uh-oh.
Weirdo incoming.
[chuckling]
Oh, my God, she's behind me, isn't she?
No. We're just not laughing.
- Oh.
- It's gonna be super cute.
The dealers are gonna love it.
Huge moment.
Uh, then I'm gonna do the slideshow.
Remember not to use that voice.
And the dealers will place
big fat orders,
the stock price will go up,
and we all keep our jobs.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yay.
- [laughter and chatter]
- God.
I hate that we have to do
this dog and pony show.
I mean, we're the massive company,
but the dealers decide
how many cars to sell?
- They do.
- Who came up
with that ridiculous system?
- They did.
- Smart.
I mean, if I was to start from scratch,
I would give us all the power,
and then when they don't
do what we want, get rid of 'em.
[laughs awkwardly]
Like an authoritarian regime.
Exactly. Exactly.
Yeah, I I love that. I love it.
[midtempo music]
Eyes on the maestro.
School is in session.
All right, look, there are
three types of dealers:
[bleep]-kicking rednecks,
blue state fruitcakes, and power MILFs.
I don't think you can say
any of the words you just said.
Okay, don't get all PC
in front of the rednecks.
They hate that. Know your audience.
It takes skill.
Okay, you want a dealer to order
20,000 Pikas instead of ten,
you gotta booze and schmooze.
Work both angles.
All right, so we basically
just talk up the Pika.
[chuckles] So cute.
No. Do not bring it up.
Dealers need a little foreplay
before the action,
like women used to before the apps.
Gotcha. So chat 'em up, keep it casual.
Yeah, but you gotta show respect.
To the quote, unquote "power MILFs"?
Especially them. Don't mess that up.
Just trust me, okay?
I know this world.
Do you trust me?
[chuckles] Okay, who am I?
Princess Jasmine, do you trust me?
- Aladdin.
- Aladdin.
- Sure.
- [chuckles]
So do you trust me?
I d
- Sure.
- Yeah.
Hey, look sharp.
Power MILF, 12:00.
- Abigail
- Oh.
- Never fail to impress me.
- Hello, Wesley.
[chuckles] How's it going, guys?
Oh, my God. These pikas are so cute.
Ooh, this one is suave has hell.
He got real sex appeal, Katherine.
Actually, they're not pikas.
- Closest we could do is rabbits.
- Oh.
Pikas are endangered due
to environmental encroachment.
Wait, these aren't actual pikas?
The car is called the Pika.
No one will be mad when they see
this little, widdle, hoppity face.
Are you sure? What's the rule?
I mean, can rabbits play pikas?
Is there gonna be a whole Twitter thread
about how we're taking away
jobs from actual pikas?
Again, most pikas are dead
because of us.
Okay, well, good. I mean, I just don't,
you know, want any trouble, so hm?
Ooh. This one wanna
tell you a secret, Katherine.
He doesn't want to tell me anything.
His brain's the size of a lima bean.
So you're saying
head-to-head, in their primes,
you think that LeBron beats Jordan?
LeBron is bigger than Jordan.
He is stronger than Jordan.
He is a better passer
and rebounder than Jordan.
Hey, he's not Jordan.
- Billy boy.
- Hey.
Ow, ow!
[laughs] Jokin'.
Uh, this guy bothering you, Bill?
'Cause if he is, you say the word,
- and he's out of here.
- He's okay.
He's just got some loony ideas
about basketball.
But nothin' a little schooling
can't fix.
- Okay, okay.
- Jack, Bill Riker owns
60 Payne lots
across Texas and the South.
- 63.
- Oh.
Now, this is a man
who can teach you a thing or two.
- Mm-hmm.
- Plus you should've seen
the absolute smoke bomb
he was here with last year.
- Mm.
- Hey, did you bring her back?
Or was that more
of a pump and dump situation?
You mean my granddaughter?
- Mm.
- Yeah.
Yeah, no, she's back in school.
Course she is. She seemed smart.
I respect her. [chuckles]
Uh, anyway, you guys were You
guys were talking about basketball.
- Basketball.
- [exhales] Beautiful game.
Nothin' but net.
[chuckles]
Whoosh.
Do you wanna hold one?
Just be sure to cradle
their necks when you
Oh. No, that's not necessary.
- No.
- They don't bite.
Worst-case, you get a few
poop pellets in your hand.
Making it worse. Okay, uh, no.
I'm not even gonna be
touching these things.
They can just go way back in the trunk.
- Yeah, that's not gonna work.
- What?
Rabbits need space and airflow.
You can't just toss 'em in a trunk.
Sorry, I misspoke.
Uh, it's not a trunk.
It's obviously a hatchback.
Looks smaller than a trunk.
It's a $10,000 car.
You get what you pay for.
Okay? Can you work with me here?
They really need to be
spread out in the car with you.
Ooh, that'll be even cuter.
Yeah, I'm I'm sure
I'm sure it will.
I just, uh I just have a little thing
with, um rodents.
So, you know, just basically
hate hate all of them.
All of 'em? What about Mickey Mouse?
What adult likes Mickey Mouse, Dori,
other than [bleep] freaks?
If this doesn't work, I'll pack 'em up.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
It's it's, uh,
you know, it's the big entrance,
so that's, uh
[sighs] Just put the [bleep] damn rats
in the car.
Okay. Okay, that's a good point.
Best point guard of all time,
Steph Curry or Magic Johnson?
Please, Magic could flatten
Curry like a pancake.
- The kid's too small.
- Mm.
I think if you had to say it to his face
you wouldn't think he was so small.
Yeah, but he he still can't
pass like Magic,
who is the best of all time.
Yeah, and amazing that
that guy's still alive, right?
I mean, he beat it.
He's, like, a superhero.
Uh-huh.
You know, I should, uh
I should take a quick lap
and check in with everyone.
Let's put a pin in this,
and I'll circle back.
Hey, you know, we gotta play, okay?
I mean, I could teach you
a few things, right?
I mean, I don't drive it,
but I can still
drain it from the outside.
Well, I tell you what,
when the Pika's out,
I'll take the first one off the line,
deliver it myself, and you got a game.
Yeah, well[chuckles]
- Huh?
- Look, Jack,
between you and me, um,
I'm here to be polite, okay?
When HQ calls, I show up.
But I'm not selling the Pika.
N-not selling it, like, at all?
No, you can sell that tin can
to city folk who want to take it
from the coffee shop to the CBD store,
but my dealerships are
in truck country, man.
Big spaces, big cars.
It'll be tough not having 'em
at your dealerships.
Not just mine. There's a lot of dealers
that don't want that thing.
Oh, a lot of dealers don't want it?
That's, uh
A lot? So there are multiple dealers
planning to boycott our car?
Yeah, that's what the guy said.
- He mentions Texas
- Texas.
- Arkansas, Missouri.
- Arkansas, Missouri.
Can they do that?
Refuse to sell a Payne car
at a Payne dealership?
Well, I mean, they can.
But they have to absolutely hate the car
or have zero respect for you.
So, you know, hating the car's
where my head's at.
We gotta stop this.
I mean, do I get
where they're coming from?
Sure. Would I drive the Pika?
Hell no. Is it ugly?
- Cyrus.
- Listen, we are not talking
about a few random lots.
These are megadealers
Hundreds of locations.
This is a huge part of our sales.
Right, well, thank God Jack pulled this
out of the dealers, okay?
So now we can do something about it.
- Nice work, Jack.
- Yeah.
Well, you know, I was just trying
I wouldn't say Jack pulled it out.
It's more like it fell out,
and Jack just happened
to be standing there.
And this was all after I had
boozed and schmoozed.
Well, the show must go on,
right, so let's push ahead.
- Yeah.
- And that means there's only
one thing left for us to do.
Sadie, this is on you.
The what is exactly?
We need to show these country dealers
that the Pika is as much
for their customers
as anyone else's, okay?
So go up there and tweak that slideshow.
Which part exactly?
Roughly all of it? I mean, make it
less about hip city kids
and more about, I don't know,
the kind of place you're from,
heartland kind of thing.
I'm from Indiana,
and Riker's based in Texas.
Yeah, but come on,
you know what she means.
You know, uh, uh, farms and eagles
and Mountain Dew.
Exactly. Be subtle but, you know,
not that subtle, okay? Go!
- [moans]
- All right, Jack, Wesley,
you guys keep the dealers warm.
- Gotcha.
- Come on.
- Slow down.
- I'll just be here
in my own personal hell.
Don't think I won't
take you up on that offer.
I'll see you in Jackson Hole,
but I've been known to snore,
so I hope that guest room is soundproof.
[both laugh]
I'll see you later.
Yo, funny man.
What's up, funny man?
Why do you keep calling me that?
'Cause you're frickin'
Robin Williams out here,
firing off zingers
like you're auditioning
for a spot at the Yuk Hut.
- [chuckles]
- What's the Yuk Hut?
I'll tell you what's not the Yuk Hut,
this very important
launch party for our dealers.
So maybe tone down
the court jester vibe, okay?
- Seriously?
- Aah!
I'm messing with you, dude.
It's all good.
You're doing great. [both laugh]
But do tone it down.
[laughs]
Dude, I'm messing with you.
It's all good.
- You're doing great.
- You had me going there.
- You had me going.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Or are you?
Oh. [chuckles]
♪
We have to do a quick pass
at the slideshow,
just, like, a A red state pass.
- What does that mean?
- I-it means for for
Outdoorsy stuff like hunting, fishing.
Hey, that slide with the bike rack,
that easily becomes a gun rack.
Yes. Make it happen, Greg.
- What else?
- Uh, the car's too clean.
- Yep.
- It's probably been out
in the backwoods, right?
Uh, it's pretty dirty there, I imagine.
Yeah, there's definitely
dirt in the woods.
- I've seen pictures.
- Great, so we need
some dry mud up the side.
Greg, you gettin' this?
I was just
How high do you want the mud?
- I'm thinking pretty high.
- The mud should be high.
But also, these people are all wrong.
We need a guy with a long, unkempt beard
with a a camo bandana.
Someone where you're like, okay,
this guy knows multiple bird calls.
Right, yeah. Let's pop
a few Karens in there as well.
Yes. Greg, where are my Karens at?
- I is this good for the guns?
- Oh.
They're not arming the Saudis, Greg.
These boy are just trying
to snag a buck for winter.
Don't look at me. Look at your screen.
- [rabbits squeaking]
- Bunny party.
- Here you go, guys.
- [chuckling uncomfortably]
You stay right there. Okay.
[chuckles]
- All right, you good, Katherine?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah, I'm fine.
Can you give me a hand over here?
Yeah. Now, that's all the bunnies?
- You don't have any extra?
- I'm all right.
[rabbits squeaking]
Nope.
Nope. Nope, nope, nope, nope.
Can't do this. Dori.
Dori! Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh,
you're gonna need
to get me something for this.
You're gonna need to get me
something for this.
Oh, oh, what, like a poncho?
Uh, what? No.
No, like, a Valium or a Xanax
or something strong!
Well, how am I supposed to find that?
Well, what is an assistant for
if you can't get me drugs?
Go!
Oh, [bleep]!
So now I am holding
onto half a windshield
and keeping Keith's half
off the ground with my foot.
And I am looking around for help,
but the only person I see
is a delivery guy
who doesn't speak a word of English.
And all I can think to say is
Okay. Uh, long story much?
"The NeverEnding Story" called.
They want how long their story is back.
- [chuckles]
- I was just getting
- to the good part.
- Ah, yeah.
Well, wake me up when you get there.
Or better yet, don't.
[chuckles] Right?
Okay. Who here has seen
the last season of "Judge Judy"?
All right. Listen up, people, okay?
I need drugs, and I need them now, okay?
And don't look at me crazy.
I know y'all all are on something.
A very important, anonymous
individual needs our help.
Is it Katherine?
Why why would you think that?
Because you work for her.
Um, it-it's the blonde one, Sadie.
Uppers or downers?
Chloe, does it look like
we're at one of your cyberpunk techno
[grunts rhythmically]
This a place of business.
- Downers.
- I got a bottle of gin.
- Ooh.
- But it's only a quarter full.
That's dark as hell.
Let's keep it prescription.
It's less sad that way.
Da Dale. Ha ha!
I seen you pop pills in the kitchen.
- Come on, cough it up.
- It's ziprasidone.
Oh, that's sounds good.
It's an antipsychotic.
Okay, y-you gonna sit this one out.
- I've got Xanax.
- Boom!
Allison, my girl!
[chuckling] Okay.
This is why she's chill, people.
Also Ativan if you need,
and Klonopin, Percocet,
Ambien, Valium
Um, I'll take, uh, uh, two of those.
Well well, actually, four.
I have, uh, dinner with my mom
this weekend.
Now add sunglasses,
but on the back of his head.
Oh, yeah, and put one
of those little ropes on it
like a sunglass leash.
See, I think it's either-or
- with the back of the head.
- Mm.
Greg, do you know anything
about these people?
"These people"? Come on.
Ooh, right, that's perfect.
He looks like he was
at the Capitol riot,
- but not in the Capitol.
- Mm-hmm.
He didn't know what they were planning.
Guys, this is I mean,
I-I think we're going too far.
- I feel like it tracks.
- It looks pretty right to me.
I'm from Indiana.
I mean, none of this is
I mean, we do love a state fair.
But most of this is just wrong.
I mean, "these people" aren't
just gun-toting,
roadkill-eating bumpkins.
Then what are they?
They're a bunch of nice folks
who look out for each other.
It was actually an amazing
place to grow up.
Oh, yes, I'm sure
you waved a tearful farewell
as you sped out of town
on the express train
- never to return.
- [chuckles]
What if this was about
where you're from?
What if we were making
an ad that implied
that all British people
are just pasty dandies
that only have sex with the lights off?
Well, I'd say you pretty much nailed
the entire middle part of England.
I mean, it's not like that
where I'm from,
but, you know, definitely in some parts.
Look, even if this was accurate,
we're leaning so heavily on it
that we're gonna alienate
the rest of the country.
Oh, don't be dramatic.
Greg, you're a kind of average Joe.
Do these slides make you feel alienated?
- Yep.
- Well, what the [bleep], Greg?
You're tellin' us now?
If you see somethin',
say somethin', Greg.
♪
Katherine, we're way behind schedule.
Have the drugs kicked in yet?
I honestly don't know.
Hm. [notification chimes]
Oh, Sadie.
Oh. "Slideshow's a disaster.
Total [bleep] show. Delay presentation."
That's a lot of exclamation points.
Sounds great, comma.
See you soon, exclamation point.
[chuckles]
Oh, yeah. They kicked in.
Yeah. I wanna be in the mouse pit.
- Okay.
- [cackles]
Hello.
- You sure you all right?
- I'm fine.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
You guys aren't so bad.
You know, a lot of us are misunderstood.
[chuckles]
Dori, this one has eyebrows.
Madam, you look stunning this evening.
[giggles]
Dori, this one's really expressive.
Okay, we'll be fine.
We just have to keep
adding blues state stuff to the deck
until the Gregs
of the world are satisfied.
Here. Um, okay, swap out his camo
for, like, a tie-dye tank top.
He'll look like the cover
of a pint of Ben & Jerry's.
Sure, and maybe he's eating
a plate of food,
but the main ingredient's
been replaced by cauliflower.
Yeah, And he has fancy soap,
like Meyer Lemon soap.
Put put a Meyer lemon tree
behind him.
- Mm.
- Right, right, and a gardener
is trying to use pesticides on the tree.
And this guy is just going nuts on him.
Maybe it's a cauliflower rice bowl.
Yeah, and the lemon guy's,
like, rounded up
a bunch of his friends
who are all, like,
man bun, yogi types, and they're trying
- to cancel the gardener.
- Mm-hmm.
Until they find out that he's
an undocumented migrant.
And then they give him an award,
and then they make him town mayor.
- Cauliflower chicken wings.
- Just get off the cauliflower.
I can't. I'm stuck in a loop.
What is the holdup, Greg?
I I ju
- [sighs]
- How do I show all that stuff?
If I have to give you all the answers,
what is the point of you?
And then there's this whole
community property clause,
which is so unfair.
Yeah, sure, we bought it together.
But with whose money, right?
I mean, let's be real.
At the end of all of this,
can we just be real?
It's my money.
Daphne, are you listening?
Okay, so, um, Mr. Guns and Trucks
is now married to
the college-educated librarian
who spends her free time on Tumblr
complaining there's never been
a female Super Mario.
And the only thing they can agree on
is that the Payne Pika is a car?
- Mm.
- A good car?
Is "good" asking too much?
Why is he burning "Harry Potter" again?
Is that a red state thing
or a blue state thing?
Red. It's the witchcraft.
- Right, yeah.
- Or blue.
Could be blue, you know, 'cause, uh
'cause JK Rowling is a TERF
or something.
I don't know. I think they both hate it.
And that's probably a good thing, right?
- That they both hate it?
- I'm not sure
I remember the assignment at this point.
Does it feel real?
I mean, is is this America?
It's like we typed
"Portland" plus "Arkansas"
into one of those AI image generators.
There's gotta be something
that everyone loves.
Like, one thing that all of America
can get on board with.
- The flag?
- What?
- Oh, God no. No.
- The flag?
- Are you kidding me?
- Okay, okay, what about
a smile? Everybody loves a smile.
Yeah, right, yeah.
As long as it's not, like,
a a creepy one, like on a
Like, a masturbating clown or something.
Great. So just a normal,
simple, non-masturbating smile.
Like this?
All: Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's nice.
- Mm-hmm.
- That's good.
- Anything else?
- Um
Okay, great.
So, uh, Greg, just the smile.
- Cars aren't even cars now.
- Mm-hmm.
They're computers.
What do you think about
all this AI self-driving stuff?
Well, I hate
when anyone backseat drives.
Last thing I need
is the car weighing in too.
[both laugh]
[laughs belatedly]
Uh, come on, old man. It's like, uh,
"I'm afraid of all
the new-fangled gadgets."
I'm I'm not afraid of 'em.
Oh, really? Uh, 'cause you sound like,
"Oh, no, the robots are coming.
Get my cane."
- [laughing]
- [chuckles uncomfortably]
Hey, I like tech.
You're the one that can't use QR codes.
He points to the wrong side
of his phone.
No, I don't
No, that's that was one
No, he's all like, uh,
"Oh, McDonald's wants me
to order my coffee
- "from a machine now."
- It's like he's trying
to show the QR code
a picture of his family.
- It's so dumb.
- Uh, "The grocery checkout's"
- "a computer."
- It is so dumb.
"What do I do?"
Hey, Katherine.
You good with the rabbits?
Dori, I am the rabbits.
Oh, well, then be the rabbits.
Katherine, sorry.
I'm sorry that took so long.
There you all are.
Oh, it's so good to see you.
What'd you do to her?
Wasn't me. It was Allison.
She a walking pharmacy.
Hello.
Hi.
So how's the presentation?
Um, so we kind of we
We ditched the slides,
and now it's just a big smiley face
covered in a meaningless pile
of buzzwords.
That's nice. And you changed the font?
- [bleep]!
- Oh, relax.
What are you so stressed about?
Where do you even get that? Not from me.
- Um, s-sometimes, maybe.
- [scoffs]
Guys, we spend so much time
worrying about things.
I mean, what do we have
to actually worry about?
- Our jobs.
- Uh, Greg going nuts
- and taking us all out?
- Middle East.
Yeah, none of that really
moves the needle for me.
All right. Let's get
this show on the road.
Preferably while I'm still high.
Who is ready to party Payne-style?
[scattered applause]
Oof. Not a big reaction.
Come on, everybody, I know it's hard
for rich people to get excited
about anything except money,
but who is ready to party Payne-style?
[light applause and laughter]
Class warfare. Very cool.
He'd let the teenagers
of America murder you
for the crime of being successful.
Anyway, uh, let's put
your hands together for
No, no. I was gonna do that part.
Let's put your hands together for
- Let it go.
- No, I'm introing for
Let it go.
Put your hands together for
both: Katherine Hastings.
[applause]
[upbeat music playing]
Hi.
Ooh, uh [rabbits squeaking]
Hey, guys?
Uh, you're blocking the brake there.
Mama's gotta brake.
- Stop.
- Whoa.
[indistinct chatter]
Katherine, Katherine, stop.
They're they're under the brake!
Shift the car into neutral.
They're on the gear shifter!
- Just swat 'em off!
- Do not swat them.
You cannot swat them!
This is all part
of the immersive experience.
There are bunnies in here!
Why?
I I I don't remember.
Uh, cut it, turn it.
- Oh, God.
- Turn it. Turn the wheel.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
[gasps and chatter]
Ah, whoopsie.
And now for a quick slideshow.
Uh, we're We're gonna skip it.
It's fine.
♪
Well[sighs]
Gotta say, I don't think we changed
hearts and minds out there.
Well, at least the bunnies are okay.
I as so worried
about those little cuties.
But, uh, who cares. [blows raspberry]
This is what matters.
I did a quick gut check to see
which dealers were
gonna stock the Pika
- Uh-huh, yeah?
- Mm-mm.
[sighs] Okay.
Okay, guys, I know it's been a long day.
But the launch that will determine
the future of our company,
and whether or not we keep our jobs,
is in shambles.
So what are we gonna do?
Guess I'll be the bigger man here, Jack.
Guys, Jack crushed it
with the dealers today.
I mean, he is a natural.
Like, he could be the head
of dealer relations one day.
Thanks, man.
Right.
Well, I can't even imagine
a less helpful contribution
for this moment, so thank you.
- Anyone else?
- Ooh, I have this cousin
Well, he's technically
not my real cousin.
We just grew up together,
and then we just call
each other cousins.
And then I realized,
he's really not my cousin.
It's my mama's cousin's son's
Would somebody reboot her?
Anyways, he geeks out
about these cool online pre-orders
like the Cybertruck.
So why don't we do that but for this?
Yeah, well, eh
Wait, why don't we do that?
Because the dealers would hate us.
Yeah, but they already do hate us, so
that's actually a really good idea.
- Why "actually"?
- Right?
- I love it.
- I I do too.
Yeah. Yeah.
Unless you're being sarcastic,
in which case so am I.
I like it. I think it's
a really cool idea.
The Payne Pika, a car for young people,
sold exclusively in the place
they like to shop,
the World Wide Web.
[all grimace]
Uh, we can work
on the last part, but yeah.
You know what, Sadie?
Don't note everything to death.
Sorry.
What do you think, Tammy?
Oh, I stopped listening.