Andy Richter Controls the Universe (2002) s02e12 Episode Script

(knock at door) May we help you? Where's Andy? Right here, man.
Always right here.
Jessica, hello.
And over there, man.
Always over there.
Wait.
Don't go.
Oh I had way too much to drink at that executive office party last night.
Ooh.
So, after I had a run-in with that jerk Frank Winters, I e-mailed him an essay on the hundred funniest ways for him to be killed by his own diarrhea.
Well, don't worry.
Winters won't get his e-mail until Monday and we can ask my neighbors Teak and Phil, if they can wipe it out for you.
Those guys I was just talking to? I've smoked joints smarter than them.
ANDY: Later, Jessica told me how wrong it was to use drugs.
No, no, they're computer geniuses.
Last year they hacked into Citibank, and for one day it was legally known as "Big Floppin' Boobs Bank.
" Do you think they'll help me? No, but they'll help me.
They worship me.
Teak and Phil belonged to the same frat I had been in when I was at Northwestern.
I'm kind of a legend there, which basically means I did an unusual amount of stuff drunk and naked.
(whispering): And now, the moment you've all been waiting for.
Behold Andy.
Oh, you guys, I told you not on weeknights! This e-mail you sent is super funny.
This Winters guy sounds like a real rod.
My favorite is death number 43: stabbed in the eye with a diarrhea icicle.
Yeah, yeah, that's a special one.
Just get rid of it.
Initiating obliteration sequence.
There.
So it's gone, right? Abso Pletely.
Oh! I am forever in your debt.
And yours.
Now I have to get up to Winters' office.
I hid a bunch of lunch meat in his sofa.
She hid lunch meat in a sofa.
Is there anything she can't do? I could love a woman like that.
I do love a woman like that.
Exactly like that.
Her, Jessica, the woman who just left-- I love her.
Guys, you're getting in way over your heads and it's going to end badly.
Remember that time that you tried to get rich by breeding wolves in your apartment? It would have worked if not for the government.
Yeah, and all the wolves.
* You never know just what's around the bend * * Where to go and where you've been * * Just see the world through my eyes * * And I think you'd be surprised.
* Hey.
You guys like dancing and hanging out with rock stars, right? Sure.
Wow.
Yeah.
Excellent.
What are you doing tomorrow night between 8:00 and 11:00? Nothing.
Nothing.
I'm free.
You want to help me move my grandma into her new assisted living facility? Afterward, we can go dancing and look for rock stars.
If there's time.
There probably won't be.
Oh, the old bait and switch-- I get it.
Sure, Andy, I'll help you.
No, I won't.
Yeah, it sounds like fun.
No, it doesn't.
I'll bring coffee.
No, I won't.
I'll bring doughnuts.
Wait, how do you play this? Come on, I need you guys there as a buffer.
My grandma always makes me feel bad about myself, you know, which isn't hard, because I suck.
See, I just talked to her a little while ago, so now I think I suck.
(high-pitched voice): You don't suck, Andy.
You're great.
Thanks, guys.
ANDY: Hey, Jessica, what are you doing tomorrow night? You want to help me move my grandma? Oh, I'm sorry, I'm working.
But I'll help you next time.
Nah, that's okay.
Next time I move my grandma, there's only going to be one box.
(all laughing) I get it-- a coffin, 'cause she's going to be dead.
Okay, they didn't think it was quite that funny.
Andy.
That's awful.
Yuck.
Jackass.
Hey, guys.
What are you doing here? That e-mail's still erased forever.
I hope you're just showing me your shirt.
As you know, we met you a few days ago.
Those days have been filled We love you.
Filled with special Now my stuff doesn't work.
Listen, guys, I got the Metallica CD's and the case of Tequiza your sent and I'm flattered Shh.
No more words.
No, I'm going to keep talking.
I'm not interested in either of you.
But also, there's another problem which I'm curious if you've picked up on.
We have a car now.
Good, but that's not it.
There are two of you.
How exactly did you see this playing out? Yeah, I see what you're saying.
Dibs.
Dibs.
Double dibs.
Double dibs.
Shotgun! Shotgun! Blah! Blah! (gasps) Andy here's the article on Michael Crichton I've been saving for you.
Now, he's very successful.
You should do something like that.
Like what? You know, ever since Andy was a little boy, he has wanted to be a writer.
And now he sort of is.
It is so nice how supportive you are.
When I told my grandmother I wanted to be an artist, she slapped me and told me to draw my own dinner that night.
Oh, Byron, that's terrible.
Would you like a coupon for some paper towels? Yeah.
You know, this is going to encourage me to try a new brand.
Look at all these vintage postcards, and all these incredible antique bottles.
Darling, why don't you just take them all.
I have no room for any of that stuff here.
Wow, we're really making a killing.
I can't wait to go home and put on seven aprons and a couple of wigs and enjoy a highball out of a chipped state bird glass.
Oh, you are a gorgeous man.
Andy, can you imagine looking like that.
Oh, look, here's that sweater I was knitting for you.
You know, everything you say to me is some kind of put-down.
I'm offering you a sweater.
Right.
Okay, not that.
That was fine.
But pretty much everything else.
Well, if you don't want the sweater It's not about the sweater.
Byron, would you be insulted if I offered you this sweater? Not at all.
I'd be honored.
Oh, and I bet you like lemon cookies, too.
Like? Try love.
You're witty.
(chuckling): Here.
You should be the writer.
The advantage of the autonomous subdivision is increased (phone ringing) This is Jessica.
Jessica, this is Teak.
I just called to tell you I'm a total jerk and you should definitely go out with Phil-- because he's your kind of man.
And strong.
Phil, you bastard.
Jessica, it's me, Teak.
No, wait, I'm Phil, and you're fat.
Did you hear that? Phil just called you fat.
(deep voice): Wait, I'm Phil.
What? Huh? Hello, this is Teak.
What? Who is this? Phil-- I think that somebody else is on the line.
What? What? Are you Teak or Phil? I'm in the house.
Dude, run! Hang up! Run! The advantages increase productivity by up to a factor of ten.
I had the best time with your grandmother yesterday.
Wait, didn't you just play bingo with her like, three days ago? Yeah.
Man, she's a riot.
Okay, first we drove to the pharmacy, where we had our blood pressure taken-- for free.
Then, at the post office, this clerk spoke to us abruptly, so we wrote a letter to the Tribune.
Huh.
I didn't want to spend time with my grandmother, so why was this bothering me? And Evelyn has a lot of really interesting people in her family.
Okay, did you know she has a grandson who has a boat? Yes.
He's my cousin.
So what? So, I'm just saying, maybe you should do something like that.
Like what, be a boat? All right, what do I know? You know all those old bottles we got from Andy's grandmother? Who can forget old bottles? Well, last night, I had a horrible headache and I decided to drink from one of them.
Good thinking, honey.
No, it was sealed.
"Dr.
Spooner's Herbal Health Tonic "for Vim, Vigor and Vitality.
"It's good for joint pain headache, gout even woman's time.
" It made me feel great.
I think you should try this.
As much as I trust any I don't have any problems.
Well, that's all right.
It keeps problems away.
And it's licorice-y.
I do like licorice.
Plus it makes colors really vibrant.
And it makes things funnier.
I couldn't just let Byron take my place in Nana's life.
After all, you only have one grandmother.
Well, two.
You only have two grandmothers.
Actually, my mother's father remarried, so I have three.
Maybe I could let Byron have one.
No.
Andy! What are you doing here so early? I just wanted to say hello.
I brought you some strudel.
Why is Byron here? Andy, I thought it was time I took a lover.
But why is Byron here? Andy, I have taken a lover.
Yes, but why is Byron here? And why isn't he wearing any clothes? Won't the lover see? Where's the lover? Where's the lover? Oh, my God.
(screams) So, Byron was having sex with my nana.
Later that day, I calmed down and Byron and I talked about it.
(screams) I know.
You've been saying that all day.
She is my grandmother! And she will always be your grandmother.
I'm not trying to replace you.
Evelyn and my relationship isn't about a grandmother and grandson.
It's about intense and frequent sex.
Ew! My grandmother is not supposed to be having sex! Oh, yes, she is.
(chuckles) She is so supposed to be having sex.
(weakly, quietly): I can't feel my legs.
Okay, okay, maybe I'm overreacting.
I needed another opinion.
Ew! Thank you.
Okay, I'm not overreacting.
I have to break this thing up, but how? Blackmail is such an ugly word; ugly and inapplicable.
I'll just go talk to my grandmother.
But Byron's, like, half a century younger than you.
Andy, Byron is good for me.
I haven't been with a man since your grandfather died.
He makes me feel alive.
And he's a man.
(chuckles) A real man.
And then she told me how Byron had won her heart, her old, recently refurbishedheart.
Oh, ducks are great.
(laughing): Oh, they are.
Just the best.
Oh, hey, Evey, when are you going to come over and see my etchings? Stan, you know I don't like that kind of talk.
Oh, come on.
I'm having prostate surgery next week, and the window's closing.
Look, buddy, the lady's not interested.
Yeah, well, this is none of your business, pretty boy! Well, I'm making it my business.
Oh, yeah? Well, why don't you make this your business?! Oh! Oh! (gasping) I'm sorry! Call him off me! I better not catch you around here again.
Now let's get you inside.
You need to be kissed.
Oh! (giggling) You'll get used to Byron and your grandmother, and then it won't freak you out so much.
You think? You just need to let it go, let it all go.
Ahh Are you okay? I think I may be coming down with something.
I should take some more medicine.
Guys, I need you to hide me! Phil's chasing me with-- Aah! There, I hit you with a garbage can.
Teak! Phil! ANDY: Hey! Come on! Is this Jessica thing really worth ruining your friendship over? The answer is no.
No, it's not.
Just let it go.
Let it all go.
Ahh Isn't that right, Keith? Dude, look how much hair I have on my arm.
I decided that I'd take Keith's advice and just let it go, let it all go.
Ahh Maybe I could learn to see Byron and my grandma's relationship the way they do: As something beautiful and giving, rather than an unholy mix of old flesh and Byron.
So we all went out to dinner.
Unfortunately, they thought it would be fun if they brought a date for me.
This is Marge.
Here's what I look like to her: (slow, distorted): Karr fer larb Roosevelt hoop? I asked if she was enjoying her soup.
Oh, you know, Andy, Byron just loves my lemon cookies.
Oh, they're the best.
This isn't so bad.
We're talking about lemon cookies.
I can handle this.
No, I mean it.
He really loves them.
He'll do anything for them.
Won't you, dear? Hmm.
Oh yes.
Sweet man.
Oh (both moaning) (moaning continues) I feel so vital.
Whoa! How long have you been there? I don't know.
Just don't step on my face.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
Hey! Hey.
Hey.
Hey.
We're going to Jessica's office.
Cool.
Cool.
Cool.
Hey.
Do you think we have a problem? Yeah, we have a problem.
We're out.
What? There's a few drops left.
Let's take it to the lab, make them duplicate it.
Yeah, then we can have as much as we want for the rest of our lives.
(slurps) Oh, no.
Look what happened.
We're through with you.
That's terrible.
Ooh, I'm over it.
You came between us like a wedge, you wedge woman.
Whatever.
Just give me your parking thingy and we'll get you out of here.
You used your powers of sexual hotness to ruin our friendship.
Yeah, like a succubus or a type-five demon.
Okay, that's enough.
I didn't do anything.
I certainly didn't lead you on.
This whole thing has been in your heads! You love me, you hate me.
Who cares? Why don't you go find something to pierce or tattoo or inhale from a bag, but just leave me alone.
That was so hot.
I want her so bad again.
Hey, didn't you hear what she said? She's not interested in you.
Grandmothers should not be fornicating.
Exactly.
The ancient pharaohs had it right.
When they died, their wives were buried alive with them.
The perfect answer for "You never take me anywhere.
" Okay, now you lost me, 'cause that's horrible.
God didn't intend for women to enjoy physical pleasure, anyway.
The female orgasm is a myth created by Marconi to sell his pocket vibrating machine.
Look it up.
Okay, that's just stupid.
But is that what I sound like? Am I being that insensitive? Was Byron and my grandmother's relationship a beautiful thing? Once again, I needed another opinion.
Ew! Thank you.
Wait.
This is the second time you've come into my office, asked my opinion, and then run away as soon as I've said "Ew.
" Thank you.
Andy just because you and I find it hugely off-putting doesn't mean it's wrong.
Your grandmother's having fun and that's her right.
When I'm her age, I hope I can find somebody who will climb on board, take a look around, see if he recognizes anything, then start the ignition and do me like the filthy little car I hope I am.
Wow.
What's with Jessica and cars? But maybe she did have a point about my grandmother-- Nana should have the right to do what she wants, because this is America, and America stands for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, and that means old ladies doing it.
Okay, Byron, my grandma has a right to be happy, so I give you my blessing.
Just don't get her pregnant.
I don't need another mom.
(sobbing): Evelyn broke up with me.
I'm so sorry.
What are my arms doing? Evelyn left me for that old guy I fought with across the hall.
I can't compete with someone who has a guaranteed income for the rest of his life.
Wow, poor Byron.
What do you say when your friend's girlfriend leaves him for another guy? What a slut.
Look, Byron, I want you to know that I appreciate what you did for her.
You got her to start living again.
You got her out into the world.
You know, she's a great gal, and we had a lot of fun.
Well, I know she had feelings for you, too.
Maybe she's just a woman who can't be tied down.
Oh I wouldn't say that.
And so Byron and I worked out our differences.
You don't need to see the details.
Ah, what the hell? I'll show you.
Oh (grunting and groaning) (wailing): I'm sorry!