Archer s02e12 Episode Script

Not once, not ever has he volunteered for a dangerous mission, and now all of a sudden he's like "Let me go"?! On a night jump in the freezin-ass cold to kill a Finnish double agent? Please.
So I'm like "Yeah, let Archer go!" But she's like "Ray, it's your mission and that's final!" And why? Cause just between us gals and the C-130, I think she used to screw, ick, Nikolai Jakov, the head of the KGB! I know, right?! And I think Archer wanted this mission so he could cross into Russia cause he thinks Jakov might be his father! And y'all know me, I'm no gossip, but that's some scandalous-ass shit right there - What.
Dukes.
- Ray? If it's any consolation, you were right.
Oh, and try not to be unconscious too long.
It's super bad for you.
Hey thanks guys.
Just tell my mother I pulled a gun on you, all right.
This is to share.
Look at me! To share! You nut.
O.
K.
Got my fake documents, plenty of cash, so the crossing should be a breeze.
Drive to Saint Pete, grab a latte, then 400 miles to Moscow Putting me there right about the time Nikolai Jakov, head of the KGB, comes home for his borscht, only to find an unexpected dinner guest.
Who may be his son.
And for dessert, we will have the truth.
You hear that, Mother? After a lifetime of your secrets and lies, we will finally have the truth! And also hopefully shitloads of vodka.
Woo-hoooo! - Parachuuuuuuuuuuuuute! - Chief, why's the door still Wait, don't tell me he - just now jumped! - Yep.
Like just just now?! Yep.
You know he missed the drop zone by like, eight miles.
- Yep.
- Jesushe give you the money? - Nope.
- What an asshole.
Yep.
Huh.
Hei, jãtkãt! Tãmã suomalainen laskurjo klubi? I was uh, asking if this was the Finnish Skydiving Club.
Which, judging by your response, - I assume it is not.
So guys, listen! - What an esshole.
- He did what?! - Well for starters this.
That's a broken zygomatic bone, plus I was unconscious for an hour! - Ooh, really? - Which is super bad for you! - Super bad, have you seen a neurologist? - Have a cat-scan tomorrow.
Well unless it's in Russia you'd just better cancel it! Well it's obviously not, and what? The mission you failed was right on the border and I think Sterling might be trying - to cross into Russia! - Why would he oh, is this about - Nikolai Jakov, the head of the KGB? - I who? - Who, nice.
- Right? The man you've been having a - forty-year affair with? - What are you talking about?! - Sex, baybee! Let's talk about - Zip it, Omara! And even if I did know what you're talking about, how do you know what you're - talking ab Paaaam! - I'm not eavesdropping! Get your bloated carcass in here! - What's up? - You disgusting little sneak! Have you been going through my desk?! Okay, A, nobody cares about your big knobbly vibrating eggplant! - Wh-?! - B, sometimes I work late, and C, there's this new thing the kids are doin, called shuttin the damn door! Foaty ounce in my lap, - and it's freezin my jernk - Then I put whipped cream all over everything - And then you know where this goes - Eww! Oh shit.
- You guys talking about the Whipped Cream Incident? - Wh-? Does everyone know about it?! Not everybody.
Just us, Krieger - really just the, ya know, core group.
- Pam, I should have you - flensed, and what in God's name do you people want? - More rubber cement.
And SIGINT said to give this to you.
Radio chatter about an American agent the KGB caught parachuting into Russia? - Oh my God, really?! - Hey, where's Archer? Probably hanging by his Achilles tendons in some KGB hellhole! Caught at border, taken to Vyborg?! Ray, get your purse and take some Midol, - you're going back for him! - Mmm, according to these notes from my doctor, a radiologist, and my new neurologist, I'm doing no such thing.
- You little! Okay, then Lana! - Yes? Start at the KGB field office in Vyborg, if he's not being held there go to Saint Petersburg, and if he's not there, you go straight to Moscow! - Undercover? - Wh-? Of course undercover! - As what, Russia's only black woman? - Damn it! I can't have this getting blabbed all over the agency, but oh God, someone has to go rescue my son! Before he talks to Nikolai Jakov! Well that someone needs to be fluent in Russian, a few contacts in the KGB wouldn't hurt could, um, this someone be from outside the agency? Nooo, no-no-no-no! Oh, now I know you two have had your little differences in the past, but Differences?! You remember he shattered my femur, right? Which is why I'm in New York, by the way, - I need all new pins put in it! - And I'm sure that must be - Oh! And he sodomized my fiancée! - You're still together?! Sorry, ex-fiancée! That`s what I meant to say.
Well, then it wasn't meant to be.
- I I don't even know how to respond to that.
- What is meant to be is your going to Russia to bring back my son before he does any damage.
- Or more damage.
- One million dollars.
- Well, if you can divide that by four.
- Wh-? C'mon, this is your son's life! And my money.
Fifty now, two hundred when you bring him back.
- Alive.
- I'll do it on one condition.
- No! - Lana, please! I am not having sex with Barry! - You did it once! - By accident! Mostly.
And you were about to, when you thought it would get you my job! That was for work! This is just for Archer.
His life may very well depend on it.
- But he's such a douchebag - I know, dear but he's also my son.
Not Archer! Well, also very much Archer, - but I'm talking about Barry! - Who is, in fact, sitting right here.
So you wanna do it on the desk, or hallway, where you wanna knock this out? - Wherever.
After you bring back Archer.
- Oh no, no, no.
Before.
We`re doing it before.
- After.
Non-negotiable.
- Then can I bring you back anything from Moscow? - Maybe some nesting dolls of my penis? - Sterling's already in Moscow?! According to ODIN's guy in the KGB.
- Which, as a real agency, we have.
- We've got guys in the KGB too, smarty! - Yeah, so I hear - Damn that Pam! - I'm still not eavesdropping! - Well don't just stand here, Sterling's probably being - tortured as we speak! - Don't worry, he's a high-value asset.
- I'm sure they're treating him just fine - So uh, yeah Kinda wishing I'd taken my training more seriously right about now Which is pretty rare for me.
Hi.
I swear I'm just a Finnish skydiving enthusiast who Shit, why am I speaking English?! With an American accent! - Mebbe becuz you are Sterlink Archer? - Who? No, you know what I bet happened, is all the shocks damaged my frontal lobe.
- In the brain's language center? - I tink nut.
Okay, we wait some test on you, - so now I tek a kuffee brek.
- None for me, have a nice break.
- Ten minutes.
I drup kids off et pool.
- Da, da - Psst! Hey, comrade! - Hey stupid.
Barry?! Oh my God, Barry, I got Holy shit, Barry! You're in the KGB?! I no.
Dickbrain.
Your mother is paying me to rescue you.
- Oh.
How much? - Quarter million plus smell that.
- What am I smelling, Barry.
- Nothing yet! But just wait! Um, okay.
Until then, do you have some sort of escape plan, or? I thought maybe I'd shoot you in the face and smuggle you out in a coffin.
How about something a little less sarcastic? - Or less stupid? - Lesson one - Don't "lesson one" me, Barry! - Always hide in plain sight.
- Unless you've got a better idea - I I might, maybe, depends on him.
Nikolai Jakov, the head of the KGB? - Yeah, he uhmight be my father.
- Wh-?! - That's why you're in Russia?! - Yes, Barry, and if you tell anyone, I will murder you.
Now shut up while I go confront my putative father - You bekstebbink, two-timink, harlot! - While he's in such a good mood.
I know you heff been sleepink with thet, - thet mudak Len Trexler! - Oh, like you're Mister Monogamous! Wh-?! for forty years, kroshka, you! You are my only woman! Well?! I didn't know that Da?! Do you know your son is here, in the cells of the dreaded Lubyanka?! - Yes, that's why I'm - End thet I am now - awaitink results of DNA test to esteblish peternity?! - I thought they just wanted my hair so their scientists could unlock the secret of its luxuriant fullness - Touch it Barry.
- Uh, no, it's not that thick back here.
End if he is nut my biologik son! - I will put personally a bullet in his bren.
- Nikolai, please! - So! Whut do you think are his udds?! - Well, I guess maybe one in three? Yeah, no, I do not like those udds.
So what was your plan again? I think I remember thinking it was good Wait, I Nikolai?! Oh my God, he's going to kill him! - Wow, so this is pretty serious, huh? - Well, Archer's being tortured with two-to-one odds he ends up brutally murdered, so yes, - I'd say it's pretty serious! - Oh.
- What.
- Nothing.
Were you talking about we're out of rubber cement? - Yes.
- What is wrong with you?! - Bitch I got ants all over me! - Who cares about yer glue withdrawal?! - Jeez, what if Mr.
Archer gets killed?! - Yeah right, - my luck's not that good - Did I say good? I meant fantastic - Just roll it down.
- We're hiding in plain sight, alright - Roll it down.
- For all of what'd we get, Barry, - like six blocks? - Roll the God damn window down! - Efternoon, comrades.
Peppers? - Uhh - What the shit, Barry?! - What?! We don't have any peppers! Or earplugs, you idiot! You know how bad that is for your eardrums?! - What?! - I said - I'm kidding.
Drive the damn car.
- Idiot.
- I'm sorry, what was that? - I said, how's your ex-fiancée.
- How is she, I don't know.
You tell me! - Well gee, Barry, what's French for - "deliciously depraved"?! - How 'bout you ask your mom?! - What's that supposed to mean?! - Was that not self-explanatory?! It means best-case scenario you have no frickin idea who your father is, and worst-case, he's head of the KGB! - Yeah?! Well at least I have a father! - Are you implying - my mother gave virgin birth, or what do you? - No! Barry! I was implying that Actually I dunno what I was implying, I just said it.
- But I think we may have a problem.
- Ya think? - Yes, Barry! That's why I said it.
- Kill them! - Barry wait, slow down! - Why?! So I can go past you! Has anybody ever told you that you are profoundly self-centered?! - Yes! - No! Nikolai, please, do something! Kroshka, he kill two military police.
So even if he wuz my biologik son If?! But were the DNA results? - Inconclusive.
Semple was conteminated.
- Who do Archer think he is? - The unly guy who want a fodder? - Under wery suspicious circumstences Out! Get out, you idiot man! I'm sorry, Melory.
Even if he is my son, it is too let.
I kennot help him.
- You could help, ya know! - Yeah so now, what are we doing? Running for our lives, Barry, I thought that was fairly obvious.
- Yeah, but up that? High thing? - Um, unless you wanna stay here.
Wow, lotta fears kinda coinciding here.
- Who tut you women how to shoot?! - It's just I'm not super-big on heights - Jesus, here we go - Ever since you threw me off a balcony! First of all, I didn't throw you off anything.
I dropped you! After I begged you not to! - After I begged you not to rip my suit! - I was clinging for life! Yeah, to the silk-lined sleeve of a bespoke Savile Row suit jacket! Ya know Oh, oh! And a bespoke Turnbull & Asser shirt, which you also ruined! - You ruined my life! - Oh, that is bullshit! Really?! Well how would you phrase the fact that you crippled me both - physically and emotionally?! - Not that, crybaby! This, the door's locked.
And uh That way's not looking too good.
Wait, wait, wait Barry, there! We'll jump it! - Uh, no! - You got a better idea?! Hang on, hang on.
No, no it's gone.
Ohhhhhhohhhhhawwshiiiiit! Now see? This is why I didn't wanna do this.
So Barry Looks like the whole "find out who my father is" thing isn't happening, and so now I just wanna get outta here So I'm thinking that we probably should split up.
- No! Archer your boots are slipping! - Probably because there's - two hundred pounds of asshole hanging off 'em! - Wh-? ! One eighty three, fatboy! Whatever, tell that to my silk socks.
- Why are you wearing silk socks?! - Is that a joke? - Archer! Lemme climb up you! - Barry - No, please, Archer - Barry, buddy, this is happening.
- Archer, no! - So try to aim for that dumpster.
- Aaaaaaaaaaghhhhhhhhhhhh! - By Barry.
Dead center.
Good work, Barry.
Oh for why don't you just go to my house and take all my clothes?! Mudaks! You shoot like uld women! - Seriously, these people can't hit anything - See? Wuz det so hard? - Ow! Ow! - What is this, a broken glass factory? Uh secret police! Shoes! Now! Those cannot be your only shoes.
What am I saying, it's Russia, I bet people come from miles around just to have their picture taken in those.
- Halt! - Piece of how are you a superpower?! Okay, so here's the deal I'm commandeering these shoes But I'm giving you this coat, so Hi, how ya doin, Sterling Archer.
Sorry I can't stay for dinner, I assume that smell is cabbage and not just you two.
- Halt! - Make me! - Nice apartment.
- Thenk you, comrade.
- Shut up, you're under arrest.
- Awkward Don't even think I want Jakov to be my father.
He's really got a temper Oh that is bullshit! - Who would break in to this shithole?! - Come on! He's on the roof! Which is apparently a soldier factory! Sterling Archer - The world's most dangerous spy.
- So they say.
Hm.
You dunt look so dangerous now.
You think it's because I'm in loafers? Because they are not mine.
What is Luffers? Wh-?! Aahhaaaghhhh! It's a versatile shoe.
Works with a turtleneck, obviously, but and I'm seeing this more and more I really like 'em with a casual suit.
What do you guys think? Loafers and a suit, yay or nay? No?! More of a lace-up crowd?! Aaaaaghhhh! How?! How is this happy playtime?! Ow ow! Use your imaginations, make a soccer ball out of a dead cat! Ow! Ow! What the hell? Split up! Did I just blow your minds? - Aaaaaghhhh! - Aaaaaghhhh! What, you hear machine guns and decide now's a good time to take out the Oh, that's groceries? Sorry, thought it was garbage.
Here, take this Get a welder to cut the top off that, and bing: new umbrella stand.
Huh? Hate to do it to you, but I'm commandeering your vodka.
We square? - Halt! - Are we square?! - Nice extinguisher - Thenk you, comrade.
- Shut upt you're - Under arrest! Bam! My collar! Really rethinking that tetanus booster right about now Rethinking a lot of things, actually.
Like taking the elevator.
Not very green.
Although I do have three pounds of glass in my feet, so - So.
This is how game ends for you.
- That's it? No lovely parting gifts? We will send flowers.
To your mother.
- Mother - Sterling, nooooo! - There was nuthink I could do - My poor baby boy! The doctors say thet even if he did nut already hef pins in thet leg - Wait, what? - They could nut hef saved it.
- Oh for Jesus, did you even try?! - I em sorry, Mr.
Archer.
- God damn it, I'm Archerrrrrrrrr! - Thet's what I sed.
Nikolai, don't you see?! Sterling doesn't have any pins in his leg! I dunt - then if that is not Sterlink, where is he? - I am! If you'd hang on a damn minute! - Come on, we dunt hef all night.
- Yeah, right, like you've got plans.
- Goodbye, Mr.
Archer.
Hey, [BEEP.]
you, ya douchebags! - Um thanks? Hello? Mrs? - Ms.
- Excellent.
- Kazanova.
Katya Kazanova.
- Hi, I'm Sterling Archer of Yeah.
- Sterling Archer, of ISIS Do you not wonder how it is that I know your name? - Well, I assume I'm pretty famous here, so - I em KGB.
- Oh.
Oh! But then why - Because I want to help you escape, Sterling Archer! - But only if you will promise me one thing! - Okay - Take me with you! - Okay! Super glad I didn't wet my pants.