Bojack Horseman (2014) s02e12 Episode Script

Look alive, bright eyes.
It's the morning and somebody loves you.
Right back at you, buddy.
- Oh, my God.
He's here.
- There he is.
- I love you, Mr.
Peanutbutter.
- I love you, too.
Idea for a new Pixar movie: what are pizza boxes thinking about? - And Leland Stanford? - Transcontinental Railroad.
- Transcontinental Railroad? - That is correct.
Next question, what is my favorite kind of berry? - Barry Bostwick.
- Raspberry? I'm so sorry, the correct answer, of course, was Barry Bostwick.
- How was I supposed to know? - He also likes Franken Berry.
- We would have accepted Franken Berry.
- What? - I'm sorry, you lose.
- What the? That's our show, but before we go I wanna send out a quick message.
Diane, if you're watching this, I love you and I know you're doing great things.
Idea for a new app: an undo button that could undo long amounts of time.
- Hey, is everyone having a good time? Ha! - Three months.
A year.
A life.
Erica, where did that tooth come from? All right, let's keep this party going.
One click and everything could just go back to the way it was.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- You're still here? - Yup.
Still here.
- Stop it.
- Wake up, captain dumbshit.
I've been trying to get in touch with you for two months.
Ow.
Okay.
I'm awake, I'm awake.
Aah! What is it? If the studio wants to sue me, tell them to take my house.
I belong to the sea now.
- Are you drunk? - Only on adventure.
And gin.
And vodka.
And gin.
They're not gonna sue you.
They finished the movie.
- What? How? Explain yourself, land wench.
- I don't know, ask Turteltaub.
That's not why I'm here.
I thought you were in Cordovia.
You've been here this whole time? Idea for a thing Princess Carolyn should do Shut up.
Get dressed.
We're going to the orphanage.
What orphanage? Remember at Herb's funeral, I asked you what you wanted me to do - with your Horsin' Around residuals? - I do not remember that.
You said, "Give it to an orphanage or something.
" - What? - It turns out you made enough money to build a brand new one.
So congratulations.
You're a hero.
A hero? That's right, a hero.
Or is it pronounced "gyro?" I just call them subs.
Anyway, enjoy the sandwich, you're a great man.
Welcome to The BoJack Horseman Orphanage.
Or, as we call it, The BoJack Horsephanage.
You cannot call it that.
A, because I am not a great man and B, because that is a really stupid name.
- The name was Molly's idea.
- Stop pissing off the orphans.
A lot of them grow up to be serial killers.
Thank you for that lovely song.
But I'm not a good person.
This is the only good thing I've ever done and I did it by accident.
And it just goes to show you life is just Ah, what am I saying? I don't have to tell you how hard life is.
You're the ones with the dead parents.
- My parents are dead? - No.
No.
Not necessarily.
Maybe they just didn't want you.
My point is, I don't understand how people live.
It's amazing to me that people wake up every morning and say, "Yeah, another day, let's do it.
" How do people do it? I don't know how.
Yay.
So you see, Todd, the nimble improviser must navigate the most sensitive of areas.
- And I'm not just talking about the butt.
- Ha.
Copernicus, how do you always come up with these amazing butt jokes? When you're a Level Nine, as I am, you don't come up with butt jokes.
You live truthfully in the moment and the butt joke comes to you.
So true.
So wise.
Listen, I need to "shove off," as we sailors say, on my comedy cruise line, the Giggleship.
I shan't be returning.
- Shan't you? - I shannot.
I'd like you to join me on the high seas, as my Number Two and I don't mean that kind of number two.
What, number two, how do you do that? If it isn't the furshlugginer putz who cost me 50 grand.
I'm sorry I bailed in the middle of production.
If there's anything I can do.
Do? What do? Movie's finished.
- We fixed the whole thing in post.
- Really? Remember your first week, these nerds made a computer scan of your head so we could finish if something happened? Please don't call us nerds, sir.
Something happened to you, so these nerds finished the movie.
Look what Computer BoJack can do.
- Help you out of that tree, ma'am? - Look at him save that cat.
Now there's a protagonist we can root for.
- You did all that in the computer? - Not just that.
Computer BoJack had so much charisma and screen presence we ended up going back - and replacing you in every scene.
- I'm not in the movie at all? Not technically, but computer you is giving the performance of your career.
When people see what you do in this movie, they are gonna storm Daniel Day-Lewis's house, schlep him out into the street, shoot him in the head.
That's how good your performance is.
It's gonna make Daniel Day-Lewis look like shit.
- They're gonna hate Daniel Day-Lewis.
- But it's not my performance.
Explain that the widow Day-Lewis.
She'll be devastated.
Kaput.
Kapleshky.
Are you Jewish? Because I feel some of these you're just making up.
We got a screening this weekend.
Come see the movie, we'll schmooze, we'll kibitz, schlemiel, schlimazel, Hasenpfeffer Incorporated.
Just think, Carolyn, in one week, all of this will be ours.
We should a put a social-media desk there.
If we hire someone to micromanage our clients' online personas and new media outreach, they'll seem more grounded down to earth.
Smiling poop emoji, I love everything about that.
I wanna make sure the couches we get are really comfortable.
- Just in case we have some late nights.
- Mr.
Rabitowitz.
This is a place of business.
Ugh, can we just freeze in this moment for a second? I just wanna remember this instant where for once in my life, - everything was going - Hold that thought.
What is it? Ugh.
My wife and I are going to the ballet tonight, there's a real ish with the restaurant.
- This is the wife you're divorcing, right? - You know how it is.
You say you want a divorce and she says, "No, we can make this work.
" You go to counseling and remember why you fell in love with her in the first place and then, blah, blah, it's a whole thing.
We've been sleeping together for three months.
- We're about to start a company together.
- None of that has to change.
I am definitely going to divorce her probably, it's just Ugh.
It's hard to explain to someone who's never been married.
- Listen, this is - Oh! Sorry, Katie just said something funny.
- What? - I gotta hop.
I love you, though.
Ha, ha.
Okay, keep the engine running, I'll be back in a Oh.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Um, I'm just here to pick up some stuff.
I'm going away for a while.
- Oh, where? - The Giggleship.
It's the comedy cruise line People magazine - once called "a comedy cruise line.
" - Comedy cruise line? Oh right, your improv thing.
How was your, uh, graduation show? - It was two months ago.
You missed it.
- Sorry.
- No, you're not.
- Well Hey, do you remember the morning after my first night here? I don't know why everyone keeps asking if I remember things.
I don't.
Just as a general rule, if your question begins, "Do you remember" and doesn't end with "how much you hated Moulin Rouge," the answer's no.
I was so happy to have a place to stay that I made pancakes.
And you kept eating them so I kept making them.
And then you got mad at me for letting you eat so many pancakes.
You tried to chase me around the pool, but you were too hungover and also full from the pancakes so instead you took a nap.
And when you woke up, you said, "Thanks for the pancakes.
- Now get out of my house.
" - I don't remember any of that.
Well, anyway, I'm finally moving out, just like you wanted.
Good.
Honestly, you'll probably be better off without me.
Yeah.
But we had some good times, though, right? - Did we? - Right.
Well, um, take care.
Hey, I hope you can find a way to be happy, BoJack.
- I really do.
- Yeah, okay.
Hey, Todd? You need to get your shit together.
- Ugh.
- Rutabaga and I are starting a new agency.
I want you to come onboard and write celebrity tweets.
- I don't know how to do that.
- You're a ghost-writer.
It's the same as writing a book, they're just a lot shorter and more people read them.
All right, but why are you helping me? Because my life is a mess right now and I compulsively take care of other people when I don't know how to take care of myself.
Oh.
I was hoping it was because you believed in me.
I don't.
Welcome to my Giggleship.
For us, it's a place to realize our higher selves.
For the paying public, it's a place to watch improv and drink watered-down margaritas for 8.
99.
Wow, we must all make a lot of money.
No, no, you just get paid in experience and stage time.
- Which in a way is even better than money.
- Say what? Look, We've arrived at your living quarters.
Wow.
No more couch-sleeping for this guy.
He gets a mattress.
That's the spirit.
And you can use improv to make this room anything you want it to be.
My cabin is exactly like yours, but when I use my imagination, it becomes a rich stateroom with a treasure chest full of booty.
I like a big booty, if you know what I mean.
And I don't mean a butt.
You really are the master of spontaneous witticisms.
All right, you ready? This is go time.
There's no turning back now.
- Oh, I am ready.
- Great.
Now let's get out there and tell all those garbage rat bastard sons of bastards what we really think of them, once and for all.
Everyone.
We have an announcement.
Guys, we have an announcement.
- What's going on? - Mr.
Witherspoon's in the hospital.
- He had a stroke.
- Oh.
Well, you know what you rat bastards can stroke? - Uh Oh.
- My big, hairy Well, we burned that bridge.
Todd, you should be up a magician's sleeve because you are a card.
Hey, Bryan.
What's going on here? - He refused to scrub the floors.
- Oh, Bryan.
Please.
My knees were cramping so I needed to stand.
But I'm real good at cleaning windows.
Look.
That's solid space-work.
Bryan, don't worry.
I'm gonna go to Copernicus and get this sorted out.
Copernicus? Uh, Copernicus? Huh? Huh.
Whoa.
One Hundred and One Butt Jokes? "No parking in the rear?" Aah! - Copernicus is a fraud! - A fraud? Me? Ow.
- Aah.
- I had such high hopes for you, Todd.
Normally, I'd make a perfectly timed butt joke here, but as you can see, I don't have my book.
- Oh! - Guards, take this subversive to the Yes And room.
- No.
- Hey, what are you doing? No.
Shame on all of you! Just wait till you see my Trip Advisor review.
This cruise is getting three stars.
Because I have very mixed feelings about it.
- Carolyn, we are free.
- Yeah.
Real quick, kiss me once.
Then kiss me twice.
I don't want to do that anymore.
- I told you, we can make this work - No.
I don't want Carolyn, you're a single woman in your 40s.
- Can you really afford to be picky? - What? I'm just saying, what, you think you're gonna find some perfect unattached guy who's gonna love you like I do? Who's gonna make you laugh and feel good about yourself? This is it, Carolyn, this is what you get.
If you're holding out for something better, well, I hate to break it to you, but you're gonna be alone for a long time.
I'm not afraid of being alone.
And you might wanna find someplace else to work - because you're not coming with me.
- Wait, wait, wait, what? It's my company.
My name is on all the paperwork.
I think I can do it without you.
Good luck.
- Whoa, Carolyn, we just Come Carolyn.
- My name is Princess Carolyn.
And as I held that baby in my arms, I knew I had been given a second chance.
A chance to finally make things right.
And this time, I was gonna win the race of life.
- Whoa.
That was actually good.
- We're doing a full awards push.
You should clear your schedule for the next year.
Buckle up, buddy, this is the year of Secretariat.
But it wasn't Secretariat.
And it wasn't me.
It was a computer.
What difference does it make? Smile and collect your trophies.
- You know Ana Spanikopita? - Hello.
- Aah! - They call her the Oscar whisperer.
- Ana Spanikopita.
Big fan.
- Thank you, it's I meant you are going to be a big fan of me because I am going to win you an Oscar.
Ana is the best there is.
- You better start writing your speech.
- I don't have to thank my parents, do I? You're funny.
I am literally laughing out loud.
- Uh - We gotta get you on a talk show.
You have any weird history with Kelly Ripa I should know about? - No.
Well, define "weird.
" - You look doughy.
Do you run? - Cardio? Anything? - I mean, occasionally.
Excuse me? That was such a beautiful performance.
- So brave.
- Thank you.
Everyone here loves you.
Do you feel that? - Feel that energy! - They don't love me.
- They don't know me.
- That's why they love you.
He's right.
Our research shows America likes to think they know you, and then they like learning more about you, but at a certain point they pass a threshold where they actually know you and then they find you weird and off-putting.
Are you saying that nobody who really knows me could ever love me? - No, no, no.
Not nobody.
No.
- No.
What am I doing here? I don't know where you're going, but if you could run there.
Sextina, hi.
Thanks for meeting me here.
I'm really excited to be working with you.
Listen, chitch, if you're going to tweet for Sextina Aquafina, you need to capture the essence of my personal brand, okay? All upper caps, no punctuation, lots of cryptic bullshit about the Illuminati and make sure to mention my preferred brands, okay? Beats by Dre, Abercrombie and Fitch and brand fin polish.
- Can you spell that last one? - No.
I gotta go get my blowhole bleached.
Hey, thank you so much.
You people are the real stars.
Huh? Hi.
I'm Sarah Koenig.
This is one ringtone told over the course of several rings.
And the story it's telling you is to answer your phone.
- Hello? - Hey, Diane.
Hey.
Uh So How's Cordovia? It's hard.
- Do you know where the batteries are? - What? - The batteries in the remote died.
- Did you check the junk drawer? Yeah, I looked in the junk drawer.
I'm gonna take them out of the smoke detector.
- No, don't do that.
- Well, I'm out of options.
Listen, I know this sounds crazy, but I think maybe you should get back here - so you can help me find the batteries.
- Yeah? I know you're doing important work and it's a long way to travel, but I need you here and I think you should come home.
- Is that really what you want? - Of course it is.
Well, okay, I'm looking at this website right now and it says if I leave immediately, I can still make it home tonight.
- That sounds great.
- I love you.
I love you, too, Diane.
You know, it's the funniest thing.
There is a woman in this restaurant who looks just like you.
I guess I just have one of those faces.
Okay, party people, we have time for one more suggestion.
- Todd.
- Did someone say movie theater? I heard movie theater.
I'm Abe Lincoln and I'm gonna wear my giant hat to the movies.
Who's this sitting behind me? John Wilkes Booth.
Uh-oh.
- Todd, it's me, BoJack.
- BoJack? - Todd, I'm getting you out of here.
- I can't leave.
I need to take suggestions.
Okay, well, here's a suggestion, your name is Todd.
You're 24, you live on my couch and you've always seen the good in me somehow.
You've been brainwashed into thinking that you belong here, but you don't.
You belong back home.
If you're any kind of improviser, you'll take that suggestion and you'll run with it.
Huh.
Let's get out of here.
I'm afraid that getting out of here is not an option.
- You've seen too much.
- What the hell are you gonna do about it? - Stop you.
With these.
- Oh, no.
- Don't do anything crazy, guys.
- You can't be serious.
- Just get behind me, BoJack.
- No sudden moves.
Be reasonable.
You wouldn't wanna puncture the hull.
Especially not when I have this smoke bomb.
Ka-pow! - I've lost them.
Where did they go? - Seriously? Now feel the wrath of my flamethrower.
Too bad we're wearing sunscreen with SPF a million which protects against flamethrowers.
Oh, no.
Now we finish this with our strangle machine.
Beep, boop, boop.
Machine? - Strangle those guys.
- Ugh! BoJack, help.
There is literally nothing happening to you.
You don't understand, if you die in improv, you die in real life.
So stupid.
Fine.
I guess I have a guard killing machine? Beep, boop, beep.
No.
I have a wife and children.
Well, they're improvised, but they're real to me.
- Can this be the end? - This whole ship is full of idiots.
Beep, boop.
Come on, come on, come on.
Come on, come on, Todd.
Almost there.
Wait.
Where are you going? Sorry, improv is fun and great and everything, but you guys are really into improv.
I'm gonna go with my friend.
Your friend? I didn't realize this man was your friend.
Well, then, by all means, go with him, Todd.
But, see, I thought this was the man who sabotaged your rock opera.
The one who constantly abuses you and makes you shower with a hose in the yard.
I invited him to.
The one who's never said a kind word to you the entire time you've known him.
- Is this your friend, Todd? - It's more complicated than that.
- Is it? We're your friends, Todd.
- More than that, we're a family.
- I, uh - Hash browns.
- What? - I heard hash browns.
- Martha, did you see my hash browns? - Oh, my God, do you ever turn it off? It was hash browns, not pancakes.
The first morning you stayed with me.
You kept making them and I kept eating them and then I threw up in the pool.
That made you throw up in the pool.
Then I got mad at you for throwing up in my pool.
- But, you said, "I'll clean it up.
" - And did I clean it up? No.
You didn't.
I had to call the pool cleaner.
- Ha, ha.
- And you said, "Thank you for letting me stay here.
I don't have anywhere else to go.
" And I remember when you said that, "I don't have anywhere else to go," because I felt good about myself.
And I don't feel that way a lot.
Letting you stay with me was the best thing I ever did on purpose.
I don't think I ever told you that.
But I should have.
Because you're my best friend, Todd.
I'm not gonna lie, if you just made all that up, that was some really good improv.
Game recognize game.
- Why do you have a boat? - Uh, I don't remember.
- Hello? Prince? - Listen, bozo, I keep getting calls from this New York playwright, she really wants to talk to you.
- She says you know her, Jill Pill? - Jill Pill? Ring any bells? Apparently, she worked on your TV show.
- Horsin' Around? - No, actually.
The other TV show.
Other TV show? Oh, shit.
Jill.
I'm moving into the new office and I got Herb's ashes here.
I really don't know what to do with this thing.
- Do you want it? - Yeah.
Why did I take you with me? Herb loved orphans.
Mostly as a delivery apparatus for hackneyed punchlines and mawkish sentimentality, but still.
And we will do our part to honor his legacy.
- Hey, who's Jerb? - What? Jerb Ka Why does it say "Jerb Kazzaz?" Your e-mail said "Jerb.
" I forwarded it to the plaque guy.
- Is it not? - No, obviously that was a typo.
Why would I want to dedicate the orphanage to the memory of Jerb Kazzaz? Kind of sounds like something you'd get at a Mediterranean restaurant, but wouldn't finish.
And the waiter would say, "You want me to box up this jerb kazzaz for you?" - And you'd say, "No.
" - You gotta fix this.
Really? We spent a lot of money on this plaque, you know? - And on the t-shirts.
- Jerb's kids? No, there's no Jerb.
It's Herb.
T-shirt's say Jerb so I'm going by the t-shirts.
You know, Herb would probably think that this is pretty funny - that you couldn't even get this right.
- Yeah.
He would.
- So, in a way - Yeah.
You wanna get some Mediterranean food? You read my mind.
Oh, God.
Lungs on fire.
Ow.
Crap.
I hate this.
Running is terrible.
Everything is the worst.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- It gets easier.
- Huh? Every day, it gets a little easier.
- Yeah? - But you gotta do it every day.
That's the hard part.
But it does get easier.
Okay.
Boxer versus raptor.
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.