Californication s02e12 Episode Script

Previously on Californication I think we should go into business together.
To be honest, I'm interviewing for jobs in New York.
So, how do you two know each other? - Hank is the father.
- Alleged father.
I'll raise the child and I'll love it as my own.
Oh, my God.
Look, look, look, Damien and Becca.
Because isn't that the Becca right there? Bec! - I don't want to do any more porn.
- Really? I'd kind of like the last person I had on-screen sex with to be you.
All right, Marcy.
After all the shit we've been through, I want to get a divorce.
I'm gonna be with Daisy.
You fucked my man.
Marcy, I didn't mean - She's here.
- She who? "She who"? Janie, you asshole! Come on! What? Lew.
Shit, Lew.
Lew! Lew! Lew? You got yourself a bit of a ritual there, huh? Yep.
Every time I finish a book - whiskey, weed, and Warren Zevon.
It's the little things.
- Yeah.
How'd it turn out? - Hard to say.
You'd know better than I.
You lived the motherfucker.
Yeah, but living it right means you don't remember much of it at all.
You can read all about it here.
Your dirty life and times.
What's next? I suppose I try to get my life back in order in some fashion.
Yeah, you You do that.
Remember, at the end of the day, it's all about her.
- Who? - You know.
I'll miss seeing you around here, man.
Gonna miss you too.
And it's true what they say, you know.
You got one hell of a band.
What up, buttercup? I just thought I'd pay my last respects before I hit the road.
- Where you headed? - Didn't you get the memo? I'm taking Fucking & Punching all over this fair country of ours.
Coming soon to a supersized bookstore near you.
- Mothers, lock up your sons.
- And husbands.
I'm gonna miss him way more than I thought.
Yeah, I know the feeling.
At first, fucking him was was just a way of yanking your chain.
Really? You don't say? Yeah, but then he just had to win me over, you know? Like some sweet, mangy little puppy who just wanted someone to pet him and tell him he was a good boy.
- Then he'd shit the rug.
- Or hump your leg.
Where's your first stop? - Borders in Tacoma.
- Know it.
There's a great coffee shop down the street.
Around the block, there's this old record store, sells used vinyl, tons of it, fantastic.
Great! Old guy's guide to Tacoma.
Good to know.
Well, just be gentle with our retarded love child.
I will.
Be good out there, psycho.
Tell 'em who sent you.
Well, if it isn't the madre of my bambino.
What's shakin', sweet duck? - I got a job.
- A good job? A great job.
I mean, my dream job.
Way to go, fancy pants.
Yeah.
It's - It's in New York.
- Even better.
- Right.
I start Monday.
- No time like the present.
Oh, my God.
You're taking this much better than I thought.
Why shouldn't I? I've been trying to get back to New York for years now.
- Hank.
- Karen.
I got a job.
You got a job.
That's what you just said.
- Not you.
- No.
Not I'm not following.
No, you're not following.
I mean, you're not invited.
That is fucked up.
Well, this is not about you or us, OK? This is about me and Becca.
But you can't just whisk her away and expect me to sit here in L.
A.
with a dry thumb up my ass.
Well, you know what? You do have some serious shit to deal with here.
Karen, I can write anywhere or not, as the case may be, which is not the case.
I just finished the Ashby book.
This morning, as a matter of fact.
- Honey, I'm on fire - Good for you.
.
.
which is why we should be together, or, at the very least, why I should be your manny.
- You laugh? - My manny? You're a high-powered career gal now.
You need somebody to hold down the fort.
- A major-domo.
- Thank you.
I'm your man, woman.
I'm not talking about your writing or lack thereof, OK? I was talking about the impending arrival of your latest mistake.
Did you forget? Sir Francis Drake said he was down with raising the little bastard as his own.
- You heard the bearded woman.
- You're OK with that? I'm not entirely convinced it's mine.
I never came inside her.
I don't think I did.
I mean, when she broncoed me, - I spasmed out a little dog water.
- Thank you.
I'm still hoping she banged some dude in the P.
F.
Chang's parking lot while she was looking for Mr.
Goodbar.
It's an entirely plausible scenario.
There is something wrong with you.
Well, I'm special.
I think I'm special.
I really do.
What does Jeff Becca think about you tearing our family apart? - Well, right now, she's heartbroken.
- Of course she's heartbroken.
You rip her away from her old man, you don't invite him to come with.
That shit is harsh! - She's heartbroken about Damien.
- What about Damien? Well, she saw him making out with someone else at Mia's party, so Welcome to All American Burger.
May I take your order? Can I get a jumbo "What the fuck were you thinking?" That's the problem, I wasn't thinking.
I mean, she fucking kissed me, dude.
That kind of shit just doesn't just happen to me a lot like ever.
Be that as it may, on the flip side, what I've got is a young girl whose heart is broken.
Yeah, I know.
I know, and I feel all sorts of awful about it.
But, you know, I've been thinking about it, and given the opportunity to do it again, I don't think it would go any differently, honestly.
I mean, a beautiful girl is kind enough to kiss you fuck, you kiss her right back.
Because you know, who knows where that kiss is gonna take you? I went there to kick his ass, and I stayed to soak up his wisdom.
They know more than we do, the children.
We forget.
Which is why we end up in these fucked-up situations.
Yeah.
Selling BMWs in the Valley? What the fuck, dude? Don't kid yourself, pal.
I always was.
Selling writers, actors, directors it's all the same shit.
- Have you talked to the Marce? - Through the lawyers.
She's a little feral right now, wants to take me for all I'm worth.
Oh, no.
All four figures? I don't even care, really.
I just want to be happy, you know.
That's all that matters now, the big happy.
Pimping rides, living in a studio apartment in the valley with a porno chick.
Hey, retired porno chick.
She's taking some Groundlings classes.
She's really quite funny.
I am sure she's a deep-throating Lucille Ball.
Bully for her, but what about you? Does this work for you, give you the big happy? More than you know, pal.
I feel like I'm 23 again.
You know, life is simple.
It's good.
Money's a little tight.
I'm gonna have to use the office Xerox to copy your manuscript.
I'm so happy I stayed with you.
Me too.
Good for us.
We're making shit happen.
Let's go, Runkle.
You got to be on that sales floor at all times.
A.
B.
C.
, baby, "Always Be Closing.
" Yes, sir! "A.
B.
C.
, baby, 'Always Be Closing"'.
These fucking guys They all think they're the only one who ever saw Glengarry Glen Ross.
Hey, if you want, I'll take you out back and shoot you.
I will let you know.
That number, my friend, puts you in a beautiful '07 convertible with navigation.
You're good.
How we doing over here? Chuck Runkle.
Nice to meet you.
There goes my agent.
I'm sick to my stomach.
It's gonna get better.
I promise.
- Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't.
- Well - Either way, Dad, words don't help.
- Yeah.
I suddenly understand the appeal of cigarettes and alcohol.
Here's an idea, why don't you hang behind with me and nurse your broken heart? We could smoke some cigarettes, pass the bottle, listen to some blues.
It'll be fun.
- Hank, that is very manipulative.
- No! It's not.
It's not manipulative.
- Dad - It's a suggestion.
.
.
I'm going with Mom.
I need a change of scenery.
I don't want to be driving down the street and be reminded of all the places we kissed.
"All the places"? What kind of an operation are you running here? What the hell? Hey, no, don't answer that.
It's rude.
- No, it's Sonja.
It could be important.
- Well, really don't answer it.
- No! It's around the due date, right? - Voicemail, that's what it's for.
No, no.
Excuse me, sweetie.
Hey, Sonja.
You are? Drugs! I want some fucking drugs! Fuck! Can't you hippies make this shit stop?! Breathe, Mommy.
- It's all about transcending - Fuck you, you stupid fucking doula! - Hey.
- Oh, God.
Hey.
Hi, guys.
Thanks.
Thanks for coming.
By the way, fuck you for putting this monster in my stomach.
I'm not entirely sure it's mine.
There will be some genetic tests.
Do not be an asshole! You're right, and when you're right, you're right.
Let's get the little fucker out first, then we're gonna test.
Oh, hey, look at you.
Look who showed up.
I'm back.
The man's back.
Have you been drinking? Just a little tequila for the pain.
You bearded fucking lunatic.
Who do you think you are? You're stressed out? You need a drink? You know what? Don't come near me.
I'll rip his handlebars right off your fucking face! - I'll do it.
Fucking drunk.
- You got to get your shit together.
It's time to stand up and extract that little artist within.
Come on.
- I'm just a fraud, Hank.
- I know, but it's time to stand up.
- No.
- Take the dress off already.
Oh, stop.
- I am.
- Don't.
Don't.
No, actually, that's good.
That's good.
You march over there with those tears, and tell her they're tears of joy, OK? She will swoon.
Trust me.
Go.
- OK.
- You go.
- Thank you.
- Yes, you're welcome.
You're beautiful.
Just go.
No, you got to go alone.
OK, I'm just gonna What the fuck, Julian? - I'm crying.
- Are you crying? - Yeah.
- What the fuck? I'm the one fucking pushing out a goddamn bowling ball out of my pussy, my sweet, beautiful pussy that is never gonna look the same again! - I should be crying! - You are.
I did have a pretty pussy, didn't I, Hank? Oh, my God, yes.
I mean, a beautiful pussy.
- I would put it in the Top 10 of pussies.
- I love your pussy, too.
You know, no disrespect to yours.
Karen, number-one pussy in the world, - with a bullet.
- Fuck you.
Lover! You home? Oh, yeah.
Charlie.
Oh, shit.
I know that look.
He's gonna blow.
Slow it down, Runkle.
Forget it, Jake.
It's Vaginatown! I know.
That's the only way Charlie, what are you doing? I'm sorry.
Can you just wait outside for a second? Sure thing, babe.
I'm sorry, baby.
I just I thought I was gonna be by myself for a while, you know? - Who's that? - Just a guy from my Groundlings class.
We were gonna work on a sketch.
OK.
I'm really sorry.
I just I thought I'd have a few minutes to myself.
It's OK.
You know I'm totally fine with you masturbating.
It's just kind of weird when you bring somebody over.
I understand, and it's important that we set these ground rules.
Gus? Gus, this is my lover, Charlie.
Gus, Chuck Runkle.
Hey, Charlie.
Should we start? Oh, fuck.
- Here it comes.
- OK.
- Fuck.
- OK, it's time.
- Oh, yeah.
- Breathe, breathe.
OK, go, Sonja.
Go! Yes! Fuck! Push.
Push! Oh, my God! Oh, look.
What the fuck? Boooooo-ya! Baby is black! Karen! The baby's black.
You see that shit? God damn it! I didn't knock her up.
- I know! - I love you.
I love you.
Congratulations, Mommy.
Bathe the child and bring him to me.
I forgot about that fucking barista.
He was so hot.
He looked like Lenny Kravitz.
Fuck.
I said, bathe the infant and bring him to me.
Coming.
Coming.
Fuck, I forgot.
I'm sorry, Hank.
Yes.
Oh, yes.
I will raise this black baby as my own.
Come here.
Before you drop him, you drunk, come here.
I will raise this black baby as my own.
As my own.
He's beautiful.
Congratulations.
- He looks like me.
- He doesn't look like you.
- Hey, lover.
- Hey! - How'd it go? - Good.
I think it's gonna be really funny.
Good.
Good.
I had sex with Gus.
What? I got confused.
You got confused? What the fuck does that mean? I've never done a scene like that before and we got to the kissing part, and I got all confused.
My autopilot kicked in and I kissed him for real and the next thing you know, he was inside me.
- That sounds like rape.
- No, not really Unless he wants to press charges.
It felt good.
He had a really nice cock.
Jesus Christ, Daisy! I'm sorry.
Does that make you feel bad? Yeah, it makes me feel bad! It makes me want to throw up! - Do you want me to suck your dick? - No! Yes.
I don't know.
Now I'm confused.
See? This is confusing stuff! Maybe we should take a break.
"Take a break"? I just left my wife for you! I didn't ask you to, Charlie! I know! It just seemed incredibly romantic at the time.
It was.
Maybe we should have some sex, just fuck through the pain.
OK.
OK, citizen, fuck the Gus out of me.
Why didn't you pinch me? Jesus! Woman! I'm tapping out.
You had me looking for the fucking rodeo clown.
Really? Hey, you know what? I think you should come to New York.
Well Why the change of heart? I can't live without this.
I thought maybe it was cos you wanted to make a black baby with me.
- No, I just need a manny.
- I have excellent references.
Plus, my vagina's become really attached to you.
Not your heart? Just your vag? Well, it's tough if, you know, the heart and the vag are not on the same page.
But, you know what? In this instance, they are.
Well, that's terrific because I am all about improving heart-vag relations, you know? - It's my thing.
- So we're in sync.
Should we take advantage of that? - Could we - Round two? - Yeah.
- I'm answering the bell.
You got five minutes, Runkle.
You look beautiful.
That's right, motherfucker, I do.
I've always looked beautiful.
That's true.
You have.
Then why the fuck did you have to go and stick your dick into some skanky porno chick? I don't know.
I got confused.
You could've stayed with me.
You were number 19.
There were 18 cocks before you, Charlie.
Not a ton, not a rogues' gallery, but enough to know that I liked yours the best.
Not the longest, not the thickest, little bit of English on it, but it was mine, all mine.
And now you and your cock have betrayed me for the last time.
- Don't go, Marce.
- I'm already gone, baby.
I was gone the moment you said you wanted to be with Daisy.
You said it out loud! You can't take it back.
Oh! And your friend Ronny Praeger called.
He said something about Intense Video wanting to "Buy Vaginatown for a shitload of money.
" Really? That's good news.
Oh, hells yeah.
It's great news for me.
What? You said I could have everything.
But don't worry your pretty little head about it.
We'll let my lawyer figure it out.
He's really good.
Later, Runkle.
Where's my iPod? I can't find my fucking iPod! Bec It's gonna be a long trip.
Yeah.
- Uh-oh! - What? Something pubescent this way comes.
OK, I know you hate me right now.
I do.
OK, but I figured I'd hate myself even more if I didn't, you know, at least say goodbye.
That's it? That's the best you can do? Here, I got you something.
I put a playlist on there.
Our playlist, the one we made out to - All 17 songs.
- What? That's a lot of making out.
- Hank, could you shut up? - He said 17 songs.
I still loathe you.
I know.
I know.
And you have every right.
I do feel like I was unjustly seduced, but I know that doesn't make it OK.
I just wish you weren't leaving cos cos I love you Becca Moody.
You're like the only post-punk, heavy-metal chick who's ever truly rocked my world.
Is it OK if we go upstairs for a minute? - Of course - No fucking way.
No, no.
You take it out on the strand where there are people, and I'm watching you, eyes in the back of my head.
As always.
Hey, Damien.
Well played.
Big ups.
You know, that was a nice parental move.
I Yeah.
I kind of I like the way you handled that shit.
That's right, motherfucker! I feel kind of bad splitting them up right now.
- Well, then don't.
- What do you mean? You go.
I stay.
Are you crazy? What, you think I'd leave Becca behind? Well, I'm not gonna break her.
I promise.
Well, hold on a second.
What about you? I mean, you'd give up New York? For her, yeah.
At the end of the day, it's all about her.
It's always been about her.
What happens between us, I can't fucking control.
Lord knows I've tried every which way.
But what I can do is be the absolute best I can be for her.
If I followed you to New York, I'd just be hoping against hope that we lived happily ever after.
Maybe we do.
Maybe we don't.
But you got some shit you got to do, lady.
I think you should do it.
I'll hold down the fort.
Keep her off the pole.
Oh, Jesus.
I wish you hadn't just said all that.
- Why? - I don't know.
Cos, you know, it just makes me love you even more.
Yeah, well that really can't be helped.
I am me, after all.
A quick one while they're away? You're disgusting.
Look, just because it's you and me now, alone, doesn't mean I'm gonna let you get away with stuff.
Good.
Cos I'm not gonna let you get away with stuff either.
Oh, really? What are you gonna do? I'm not scared of you.
You're very diminutive, and I know jujitsu.
- I can still kick your ass.
- Yeah, at Guitar Hero, maybe.
- Hey.
- Hey, yourself.
- Is this your offspring? - Yes, this is This is Becca, my daughter, and this is This is surfer girl.
Hello, surfer girl.
It's Michelle.
- My name is Michelle.
- OK.
I'll go check out that head shop.
I'll be watching.
Eyes in the back of my head.
- Head shop.
- Wow.
- Oh, boy.
- Cute kid.
She has her moments.
So, Michelle, huh? That's interesting.
You're disappointed, aren't you? I did kind of like not knowing.
It was cool in a Last Tango In Paris kind of way.
I think you mythologise me just a little too much.
You know, I'm just a normal girl with normal wants and needs.
You know, I have been around the block a time or two, lady, and there ain't nothing normal about you.
You're still the sweetest guy I ever fucked and robbed.
You know, I'd like nothing more than to get high, fuck you goofy, and indulge your larcenous tendencies, but I have a serious child-raising problem here.
Look at that.
I think she's looking for a bong.
And the dance continues.
So it does.
She seems nice.
I don't know if "nice" is exactly the word.
Have you been intimate with her? Why do you got to talk to me like that? What? You're always up in my grill about boys.
Well, and up in your grill I always will be.
Count on it.
Don't stop, OK? Even if I curse your name on a semi-daily basis.
I wouldn't dream of it.
That's the gig.
Hey - What's this for? - For staying.
You're stuck on the island now.
And you did it for me.
What are you talking about? I like it here.
It's nice.
The sun is chirping.
The birds are shining.
The water's wet.
Life is good, sweetheart.
Life is good.
Rip: DevilsBackbone