Call Me Fitz (2010) s02e12 Episode Script

Life is a million fucking roads with only one destination, kids.
The big sleep, deadsville.
Population: everyone.
Take it from Fitzy.
You only get one real advantage when you're behind the wheel.
You get to choose where you want to go.
And the radio station.
What the fuck? Fast-track to awesome! Why take Gumdrop Lane when you can bury the pedal on Highway 69? What? Where the hell am I? This isn't Highway 69.
What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck?! Without you I'd find my smile Without you I'd have won by a mile Without you Oh, life would be so grand Without you I'm half a man Without you Without you Without you I'm tripping, that's it! Only one way to come down from a bad batch of fucked-up! Oh, come on! Come on, where's my stash? You won't find alcohol or drugs here, Richard.
Jesus, Larry! How can you rag on my vices when you keep hiding my fucking vices? I don't know how to say this.
Less saying, more looking for my drugs.
I think we're dead.
Dead-fucking thirsty! This is another dream! No, Richard, it's not a dream.
Don't you remember? Your crash, the head injury? You weren't even in the car with me! Unless I crashed into you.
Please tell me I crashed into you! You fell! And when you died, I died too.
'Cause I'm your conscience.
I'm a part of you.
I'm just sorry it took your demise to prove what I've known this whole time.
You? No booze? You? So, this is hell! Dream on, kid! You're not there yet.
Holy shit! Nicky Vebronsky! In the flesh.
Flesh? But aren't we dead? Who's Mr.
Specific? Oh, I'm Larry! He's nobody.
Vebronsky, the commission king! Summer of love, and they never saw you again.
They said you made a deal with the devil.
Or I'm just that good.
You sold a tank to a hippie.
You sold a Volkswagen to a rabbi.
Don't forget the kid I took as collateral.
Fuck, man! You're an inspiration! They said you were a charmer, Fitz.
You know who I am? He knows who I am! Why do you think I'm here? Someone of your stature gets the VIP treatment.
Top-of-the-line spirit guide! Oh, Richard! A dead used car salesman is your spirit guide? I'm sorry, I failed you! I tried so hard to keep you out of hell, and now here we are! Once more for the cheap seats, this ain't hell.
Oh, so so we're in purgatory? The waiting room of the afterlife.
Come on, let me show you around.
See what I can interest you with today.
What's your poison, Fitz? Dealer's choice, I trust you.
Let's get started on the paperwork! Finally! Tip of the iceberg, kid! Albertan? What, are you trying to kill me? If you want the top-shelf stuff, you got to head downstairs.
Ring-a-ding-ding, let's go! Richard, I think we should keep our options open.
Maybe heaven has alcohol too, or something better! Like love? Hey, who's the spirit guide here? Well, if hell is so much fun, then why aren't you there, mister? You had me at top-shelf.
This way, pal! Yeah! Wait up! Look, Fitz, I know you're the real deal, but we can't do business until you ankle that Edsel.
I'm working on it! I know you are.
Look, take a look around, get a feel for the place.
Give me a shout.
How will I find you? You don't find Vebronsky, kid.
Vebronsky finds you.
And if you do get to hell, tell them Nicky sent you.
Make sure they get it on the books.
Wheels up! No, no, she's not a woman.
She's a succubus, a sexual demon.
It's a trick! And my stewardess for all eternity.
Ring-a-ding-ding! They prefer the term "flight attendant.
" Welcome to hell.
Ban on all outside food and beverage, recording devices hope.
We got a great show for you tonight! Poison-hot cuties all lined up! Holy shit! Hell is the Rat Pack lounge of my dreams! Hey, easy buddy! Vebronsky sent me! You're not on the list.
Oh, thank God! Hey, give me some scratch.
I'm sure we can work out this little oversight.
I don't want money.
I'm a sodomy demon.
Take him.
Uh, no, thank you very much! Oh, come on, buddy! Work with me! I'm a prick! I've been a prick my whole life! What's a guy got to do to get on that list? Richard, I think I know why they're not letting you in.
Really? Illuminate me, fuck-tard! The dead, Richard! Only the dead get into hell.
Don't you see? We're not dead! We're still alive, whoo! Caucasian male, late 30s.
Blunt-force trauma to the back of the head.
Uh, breathing shallow, pupils non-responsive.
Signs of extensive drug and alcohol abuse.
Possible brain damage, over.
Brain damage? How can you be so calm? Ativan.
Lady, this man's life is at stake, and you may be the key to his survival! We're doing all we can here, okay? Maybe your friend should learn that the speed limit is not a suggestion.
Now is not the time for judgements, missy! I need you to emotionally invest in this situation.
Put these on.
Of course, anything! Don't tell me how to do my job! Hey! Oh, ah! What the fuck's your problem? Fitzy! He's in the "whee-ooh!" I think he may be-- he could be-- My son is dead? Fitzy's dead? Oh, buddy! You really think this is a good idea? Fucking brakes, man! Why, Fitzy, why! Cousin, cousin! Our prayers have been answered.
Richard Fitzpatrick has died in a flaming ball of twisted metal! The ne'er-do-well prince is dead? The kingdom is weakening! Step one on our plans towards automotive domination! And the king is old.
And in today's economy, he could use some help with his mid-level retirement plans.
Courtesy of the Ruptal world, huh? Soon, cousin, all of this, all of it will be ours! Glory be! Vebronsky! Vebronsky? Aw, come on, man! You're supposed to be my spirit guide! Don't leave me hanging! Richard, he's not coming because you don't need a spirit guide.
And once we're back to the land of the living, we can focus on making you a better person.
Oh, maybe we'll go organic! Fuck that! I've seen hell, and it's awesome, man! It's time Fitzy gets rewarded for his sins! But how do you know it's not the old bait and switch? Lure you in, and then presto-chango, submit you to an eternity of genital torture? Giddy-up! This isn't just your eternity we're talking about here! Fitz! You've already ruined my life.
You're not ruining my afterlife! Vebronsky! Fitzy? What are you doing here? You're supposed to be drinking 80-proof and getting a lap dance from Lucrezia Borgia.
Apparently, they're prejudiced.
Said I wasn't on the list because I'm not dead, or some shit.
Fuck! Ah, I've seen this before.
You can't die 'cause your soul's in turmoil.
Fuck turmoil.
I'm all soul, and I know exactly what I want.
But Larry doesn't.
You telling me that fucker actually has something to do with this? He's a part of you, man.
I can't make that shit up! Oh, well, that wasn't the stairway to heaven.
Once again, here you are to fuck things up! Or I'm traversing the bowels of eternity trying to save you, and make things better for us.
Why you always got to try and ruin my fun? If you hadn't got into that infernal car-- It was your fucking idea! Do you know how hard this is for me, Richard? I'm a busy man! And as your spirit guide, I got to insist that you sort out this whole two-bodies, one-soul bullshit.
And how would you suggest we do that? With magic tricks? I love magic tricks! Card game.
If Fitzy wins, you both agree to go to hell.
If I win, mister, we go somewhere less hot.
Not going to happen.
All right, we got a deal! Standard dealer's contract, initial here, here and here.
So, uh, what's it going to be? Go Fish? Canasta? No, we're going to play a man's game.
Five-card stud.
Oh, what version? Jackpots, double draw, California lowball, London lowball, little Chicago, Terracina, shifting sands, razz, Mississippi stud, and my personal favourite, the bitch! Impressive.
What? You know poker, so I know poker! Deal.
Enjoying your sandwich? Gunshot wound, bus crash, twins.
How is your day going? My day? Try the last three months, lady.
A carnie fortune-teller told Richard he'd be murdered, and when we couldn't find his killer, he decided to jazz up his obituary by breaking the county speed record.
Why don't we just skip ahead to the injury? I tried to stop him, and so he changed his route and then he crashed.
And then, I tied his shoe, and that made him Uh-huh? I insisted we track down his killer.
I forced him to change his route! I tied his shoe! And now, you're cutting off his oxygen.
Hmm? Oh! It's all my fault! Here's to Richard Fitzpatrick.
May his jinx die with him.
How many more times are you going to say that today? As many times as I have to! Vodka, straight up.
No booze for Legs! She's pregnant.
I'm not making the same mistake with you as I did with those other two Mongoloids.
If that means you being locked up in a box under my bed for nine months, so be it.
Oh, I terminated the pregnancy.
You're not going to say anything? What is it with you broads and talking? It's over, move on.
I have.
My letter of resignation is on your desk.
You know, your son never had a chance.
That crash didn't kill him.
His family did.
He's paying.
Do these chips represent all the bad things I've done? And those are the bad things done to you.
I'll open with the women I've fucked over.
I will call with the one woman who effed you over.
One.
I will take three.
Let's make things interesting.
Timmy, the boy I wedgied in daycare.
Jan, the girl who shaved your eyebrow in seventh grade.
Full house, 10s over queens.
Jacks over kings.
Goody! Ugh! Deal! What's happening? He's convulsing.
Well, what does that mean? It means I don't get to finish my sandwich.
What? Clear! All right, gents, let's see what lady luck has to offer.
Every lemon I ever sold.
I will call.
Royal flush! Fuck me! I see your credit card scam with your father's punishment of your perceived weaknesses.
You going to let him treat you that way? Like a girl? Is that what you are? I call.
I fold.
That's my boy.
Two pair, aces high.
Look at that! I got the exact same hand as you.
I thought you were a player.
I'm all in.
Gentlemen, the chips are down.
You know, you just inherited Fitz's tab.
Heh, heh! Like fuck I did! What do you taco benders want? You are a very amusing man, Mr.
Fitzpatrick.
A man who deserves much more than disrespect and ill-fortune.
Which is why we come to you with an offer that even a man of your much-disputed greatness would be a fool to refuse.
My office, tomorrow, 3 o'clock.
One.
I am fine.
Four kings.
You win.
Yes! I'm going to hell! Signed, sealed and delivered.
We are going to hell, and it's going to be fucking awesome! No, it's not.
You can slow down! That's it? I would apologize, but according to our legal department, that might be construed as an admission of culpability.
But he can't be dead! Richard! Richard, you can't be dead! Because I'm not dead! Live, Richard, live! Heh, heh! See you again, sweetheart! You cheated me! King of commission baby! You know what kind of coin the big guy would pay for a bastard like you? We're talking about a brand-new motor home.
And when I say motor home, I mean solid-gold tits for days.
You fucker! Us tin-slingers are supposed to stick together! Vebronsky doesn't do partners.
Unlike you! Have fun, kid.
Oh, we will.
One last chip.
You went south on us? You sneaky fuck, that's cheating! No, no, that's just my insurance policy, for Richard's own good.
I suspected Nicky Vebronsky of treachery from the moment we met, and when it became obvious you were blinded by his charms-- Blah, blah, blah! No need to get testy! What do you say, Fitz? One last hand, winner take all.
My eternal damnation for a set of gold ti?? Give me that fucking chip, Larry! No, Richard.
It's all we have left, and your soul is far too valuable to gamble.
No! Get the fuck off me, fruit bar! You're alive! You're alive! Ow, ow, Larry! My ribs! Sorry, sorry! Put the sirens back on.
Oh, Jesus Christ, fuck! Keep breathing! My brother's dead.
Wow, I thought I would feel something.
Great.
Ugh! You know what kind of month I've had, asshole? Drop the gun! Drop it! You're cute.
Too bad I have to kill you.
It's nothing personal! I was told to send a message to your brother.
Bad move, moron.
My brother doesn't give a shit about me! Especially since he's dead.
He's not dead.
What the fuck you talking about? Ambulance drivers, all Lebanese.
Your brother is still alive.
Son of a bitch! Nobody tells me anything around here! My father's the same way! And my mother, goddamn it! You have a talent.
You've seen me dance? If you let me go, may I interest you in employment? Keep talking.
That's phenomenal, Richard.
Get your hands off me! While I was saving you in real life, I was also saving you in your dream.
Yeah, whoopty-doo.
Oh, that's okay, buddy.
I know it's hard for you to show gratitude.
But you know what? The fact that you're still breathing, that's all the thanks I need.
I was wrong; this is my hell.
Hey, Richard? You know the funniest thing about all this? No, Larry, tell me.
What's the funniest thing about the fact that a almost died today? Well, for a minute there, I actually thought that I was your shadowy figure.
Hmm, look at that.
Yellow paint on my Italian leather gloves.
It's kind of like the paint that was used to deface our mural.
But that's silly! Next thing you know, I'll be accusing myself of digging up Babs Devon's grave! Mud? My God, that could be from Babs Devon's grave! And my size 13 boot! But how could I be running around sabotaging you? You can't be, Larry.
That's fucking retarded! What's next? You shot the mommy video too? My God! Why do we always hurt the ones we love the most? You just saved me, moron! Only so I could kill you tomorrow, on the beaver moon! Oh, for fuck's sake! Well, I guess you better get out of my life then! You're right.
I will! Forever.
Forever'd be good.
Goodbye, Richard.
We're almost out of milk, and the toilet paper's under the sink.
My God.
Is he really fucking serious this time?