Chappelle's Show (2003) s02e12 Episode Script

1
(Dave)
I can't.
I'm sorry,
I can't do this anymore.
(man)
What?
Why not?
I'm burnt out, Lou,
I got a family, man.
I'm workin' 20-hour days
every day.
I ain't makin' no money.
Mr. Hanky
makes more than me.
Dave, you signed a contract
for two seasons
and I don't know if
you've read USA Today,
but we expect you back
for a third.
Oh, really?
Really,
you expect me back, huh?
Well, guess what,
expect this:
My resignation,
effective immediately.
I quit!
Suit yourself, Dave.
You've already shot
all of your sketches.
At this point in the season,
you're replaceable.
Heh-heh,
replaceable?
You gonna replace me?
Dave Chappelle
of Chappelle's Show?
I'd like to see that.
Brady Show.
The Brady Show.
Brady Show.
Heh.
Brady Show.
Brady Show.
Not Dave's Show.
Not no mo'.
The Brady Show.
The Brady Show.
Say what?
The Brady Show.
The Brady Show.
Let's start the show.
Oh whoa.
(announcer)
Wayne Brady!
Whoo, hey!
Welcome, folks up top,
people down here.
Everybody!
Comedy Central!
Hey!
Thank you guys so much.
As you saw, this really is
the Wayne Brady Show,
no longer
the Chappelle show.
Dave has been uh downsized
and um, and I've been brought
(woman)
Hey.
You're so wonderful.
Oh, thank you.
(cheers & applause)
You know, one of the things
in Hollywood is,
there are only
a few of us black actors
that happen to be working.
And nothing makes me happier
than to be able
to take another
black actor's job.
(applause)
Thank you.
I'm just doin' my thing.
So, Dave,
before he was let go,
he taped a bunch
of his sketches.
So before we go on with
the third season
which would be
the Wayne Brady Show,
we have to burn off
all of his sketches.
So, 'scuse me, I'm gonna
give my flowers to you, sir,
but not in that way, dude.
So this next sketch,
this is about
you guys know the show
Fear Factor, right?
(audience)
Yeah.
So Dave and those guys,
they found a very, very
special episode
of Fear Factor
that they wanted
to share with you.
Let's take a look.
I'm Joe Rogan
and this is Fear Factor.
My name's Jeff.
I'm a computer programmer
from Redondo Beach,
and I refuse to lose.
My name is Rita,
I'm from Idaho,
but trust me,
I ain't no couch potato.
I'm Anne,
I'm from Boston.
I promised my mom
I wasn't going to
embarrass her here tonight.
Huh?
Oh.
Hi, I'm Tyrone Biggums.
I heard that
I could win a lot of money
and I get a pig-testicle dinner
with all the fixins.
Gotta play to win!
(Joe)
Here is your first stunt.
(Tyrone)
We gotta eat that?
I can't eat
all of it.
You each have to lie
in this coffin
covered with worms and bugs.
The three of you
that can last the longest
will move on to
the next round.
Rita, you're up first,
climb on in.
All right, we're gonna have to
add a few more to the mix.
Oh, Joe Rogan,
you crazy!
God.
One of them tried
to crawl in my mouth!
One minute
and 42 seconds.
Lemme just help you out,
get some on him.
There you go.
Look at 'em spreadin',
they spreadin'.
Five minutes
and 42 seconds.
Anne, it's all up to you.
Lie down.
(screams)
Oh God,
that was gross.
Wow.
All right, Ty.
I'm gonna tell you
something about me,
Joe Rogan, that you
might not know.
I smoke rocks.
(laughter)
Mmm!
You did it, Tyrone.
You shattered Jeff's time,
you can come on out now, man.
Joe Rogan, if it's all
the same to you,
I'd like to finish
readin' my newspaper.
I haven't had a chance to sit
still and read for so long.
(chuckles)
Technically, you can stay
in there as long as you want.
You know what?
I think
I'm gonna take a nap.
Go ahead without me,
I'll catch up.
Could you dim the lights,
please, Joe Rogan?
(farting)
Ugh!
(snoring)
Crack
all right, it's time
for your next challenge:
Walking on hot coals.
Some of these coals burn
at over 1,000 degrees.
Goddamn!
The two people that can spend
the most time on those coals
will advance.
All right, Rita,
you're up first.
You ready
to do this?
Yeah.
Go!
Time!
Eight seconds.
Go!
Time!
Seven seconds.
Rita, he didn't beat
your time.
Congratulations,
you advance automatically.
Tyrone,
it's up to you now.
All you have to do is beat
Jeff's time of seven seconds
and you will
move on to the next round
and be that much closer
to $50,000.
Oh!
Take your shoes off,
let's do it.
Whoa.
Tyrone, I think
there's something wrong
with one of your feet.
Oh!
Go!
Hey, Joe Rogan,
is it almost lunchtime?
'Cause I smell
somebody cookin'.
Smells like
cajun steaks
with catfish
and fried peppers.
Mmm!
Tyrone, are you okay?
You won,
you beat Jeff's time.
You advance to
the next round.
My feet are strong.
(laughter & applause)
All right, Rita, Tyrone,
here is your final stunt.
Each one of these platters
contains over three pounds
of elk penis
in a light cream
testicle sauce.
It's topped off with
diced pig bladder.
For dessert,
we have horse hooves.
Whoever can
eat the most
is gonna walk away
with $50,000.
Go!
(Tyrone) Hurry up,
girl, I wanna do my turn.
Grab that penis.
Suck them juices off,
suck it!
That's it.
Mm-mmm!
Oh!
(gagging)
I can't do this.
Are you sure?
Mm-hmm.
All right, I'm sorry,
you're eliminated.
All right, Ty,
it's up to you.
All you have to do is
eat a little bit
and you're
the champ
and yadda yadda yadda.
Mm-mmm!
You know, Joe Rogan,
this is not the first time
I've tasted penis.
I've had several
in my line of work.
You taste penises
all the time.
Cocaine is
a hell of a drug.
Tyrone,
you are our champion.
Congratulations.
And evidently,
fear is not a factor for you.
Fear is never a factor,
Joe Rogan.
I'm tryin' to
get some crack rocks.
Tyrita, I did it!
I won!
Come down on
these penises with me.
Hot sauce!
There you go,
pretend like it's mines.
Tyrita, this money's gonna
change our lives forever!
Tyrita, I can finally make
an honest woman outta you
and give you that rock
you always had your eye on.
Look, Tyrita.
Oh, Tyrone,
this'll get us high for
hours, I know.
But first,
may I have this dance?
(classical music plays)
(cheers & applause)
Folks, we'll be
right back in a second
to the Brady Show!
Brady Show.
Yeah, yeah.
Brady
Brady Show.
Oh, come on, man.
(cheers & applause
on TV)
(phone ringing)
Hello?
Big Boi!
Uh, who's calling?
It's Dave Chappelle, man.
(whispers)
Fuck.
What's happenin', Dave?
Nothin', man.
I, you know, I got
a bunch of free time now.
Figure I'd call you up
maybe we could get together
and hang out.
Dave, I'm in
the operating room,
um, gettin' back surgery.
Oh, no.
Where's the anesthesia?
Stop.
Well, look,
I'm just sayin'
maybe we can get together,
maybe tomorrow,
I'll come
and bring some soup by.
Tomorrow
might not be good.
Tomorrow
I'm supposed to be hookin' up
with Don Cornelius tomorrow.
All right.
Yeah, we playin' tennis, man.
Well, you know,
I'm around, man.
Just give me a call.
We playin'
on the moon, bitch.
Peace, don't call me
no more.
What?
I gotta clear my head.
Hey, son!
Nick Cannon?
Oh!
What you doin'
with Nick Cannon, boy?
I'm livin' my life.
I told you Nick Cannon
is hilarious,
so I'm done with you, dad.
I'm hilarious too,
remember me?
"I'm Rick James, bitch!"
Remember me?
Doo-da-lit doo-da-lit
doo-da-lit doo
doo-da-lit
doo-da-lit
That was me, baby!
Dave, I'm trying to
fulfill his needs.
You know, he need
a working actor in his life.
Understand, man,
you done fell off.
Shouldn'ta gave up
your show, dawg.
Still got Chuck E. Cheese's,
huh, little man?
Leave me
and my new daddy alone.
I'm gonna
get my show back, now.
I'ma get my show back!
My show back!
(slow motion)
My show baaack!
'Cause this
your show, man.
It's my show?
If it's my show,
can I do this?
You can do
whoo!
(beat boxing)
Whoo!
(cheers & applause)
Thank you.
Thank you.
He's better lookin'.
Agreed, agreed,
handsome guy.
And charming.
And the other thing,
cooperative.
I just can't believe
how funny he is.
Agreed.
Couldn't be funnier.
and it's not so much
the shock anymore
because the shock
is really your body's way of
cushioning your mind against
the whole horrid experience.
It's not
what you think, Dave.
Dave, it's not what
they gave me
she is a great critic.
Let's have a round of applause
for my mom, right?
(applause)
Huh?
Yeah.
Whoo!
Right, right,
right, right.
No no no, no no no!
You guys are too kind,
you guys are too kind.
Ha ha ha!
(man)
Whoo!
Oh, fuck y'all!
It's good
to see you, Dave.
What's up, Wayne?
What's up, brotha?
I want my show back.
Gimme my show
back now.
Just give it back!
Come on, man!
Okay, wait,
you know what?
Look, Wayne
what?
Why don't we host it
together?
Nah, son.
No, man,
it can't be together, man
'cause you do different
things than I do.
The way you do it
ain't like the way I do it.
You got yo' thing,
I got my thing.
I'm tryin' to do my thing!
Come on, Wayne, you know
what I'm talkin' about!
No, actually I don't know
what you're talkin' about.
I what's my thing, Dave?
Oh like, remember that time
we was hangin' out?
Remember that
a few months back?
Dave, I gotta tell you, man,
I'm really happy
to be hangin' out with you.
This is nice.
Oh, man,
it's just been great, man.
Well, same here, man.
You busy with your show,
I got my stuff.
This is really cool.
Yeah, man, you see that's the
thing with black actors, man.
We need to just unify,
we can't just be out like
exactly.
Hey, hold up, Wayne,
I think you passed our turn.
The restaurant's
back that way.
Nah, that's all right.
Relax.
What, you goin' to
get some weed?
Haha, no.
You wanna get some weed
now, holla at yo' boy.
I know the spot.
Hold on.
All right.
There he is.
Back yo'self, fool!
Aww, shit,
it's Wayne Brady, son!
Oh, shit!
What the fuck you doin'?
Riverside, mothafucka!
Damn!
Ha ha!
What the fuck
are you doin'?!
Dave, calm down.
What you mean,
calm down?
Dave, relax.
You just shot people, Wayne,
those were people you shot.
Goddamn, man, you got
a daytime emmy, nigga.
You ain't supposed to be
doin' shit like this.
Dave, you makin' me nervous.
You're makin' me think
that you gonna snitch.
Now, you're not gonna
snitch, right?
No, man, come on now,
I ain't no snitch.
Now, you sure
you're not gonna snitch?
It's me, nigga,
it's Dave, baby.
What the fuck,
you gonna snitch on me?
Yo, nigga, come on,
it's me, it's Dave.
We black actors, man,
we gotta stick together.
We black actors.
Come on, it's me,
baby, it's Dave.
It's Dave Chappelle,
it's yo' boy.
Okay, sorry, man.
I gotta get
some money, man.
I gotta go to the ATM.
I don't have no money.
I'll get some money.
(laughter)
All right,
right here.
Where's the ATM at?
We at it.
Hey!
(car horn plays
"La Cucaracha")
Hey, daddy.
Hoes, Dave.
Dave, hoes.
Good evening, bitches.
We did good tonight.
That's what I like to hear,
that's oh, that's nice.
Hey, baby!
Thank you.
All right,
more power to me.
All right, thank you, baby.
Oh, Raquel,
what's this?
Mr. Franklin's lonely,
he's there's only
Sorry, daddy.
What do you mean,
"sorry, daddy?"
What the hell?
Is Wayne Brady
gonna have to choke a bitch?
I'm gonna have to get out
this car and choke
I'm not violent,
I try not to be.
I'm a you know what?
Wayne, come on, man.
No no no, I'm gonna
get outta this car
come on, will you please,
please, Wayne?
Come on,
just let her slide.
You better thank
Dave Chappelle.
Go ahead.
Thank you, Dave,
and I like your show.
Run, bitch,
run for your life!
Get some help!
I'm sorry, heh,
you know
there you go,
pay me back whenever.
I, I
I can't take this money, man,
this money ain't clean, man.
Dave, relax.
No, man, I can't relax,
I don't want this money.
Dave, you are
too uptight.
You know,
here, smoke this.
Nah, I'm cool, man.
No no, smoke this,
take it, come on, smoke it.
I don't wanna smoke
this is not
an option, nigga.
If you do not smoke this,
we have a problem.
Ain't no damn
after-school special.
Smoke it.
(coughs)
(laughs)
Dave, I didn't know
that you liked to get wet.
What do you mean, "wet?"
(sinister laugh)
Yeah, brother,
that's PCP, angel dust,
sherman hemsley,
"love boat."
Ashy Larry
white people
love Wayne Brady
because he makes Bryant Gumbel
look like Malcolm X.
(distorted)
(police sirens)
Where are we?
We got company.
Just let me do
all the talking, okay?
Good evening!
Good evening, officer,
may I help you?
Yeah
(no voice)
Can you step out
of the car, please?
Not a word.
(chuckling)
Coming!
Can I see
your license?
Absolutely.
Holy cow!
You're Wayne Brady.
Guilty as charged.
My mother-in-law
loves you.
Well, thank you very much,
thank you very much.
The morning I wake up.
(chuckling)
And I put on
my make up.
I say a little prayer
for you.
Ooohhhh.
Together, together,
you'll be in my heart
and I will always love you.
She is not gonna believe
that this happened.
That's 'cause she is never
gonna know about it, bitch.
What?
(snap)
Thank you, good night!
What the fuck?!
What the fuck, man!
It's not my thing, man,
it's not my thing.
I'm sorry.
Well, actually,
I'm not sorry.
(laughing)
I don't give a fuck.
They cancelled my show
and shit goes crazy!
I just wanna go home
and see my family, man.
I just wanna go home
and see my family.
Dave?
You hungry?
I'm not hungry.
Come on, you hungry?
You want a sandwich?
(choking up)
I just wanna go home.
Eat your sandwich,
Dave.
Give me your sandwich.
I said, give me
your damn sandwich.
I make Bryant Gumbel
look like Malcolm X,
huh, motherfucker?
This is me.
Whatever,
get out.
(laughing)
Hey, Dave.
Huh?
Man, really
I had a great time tonight.
Thank you.
Black actors, man.
Black actors.
All right.
All right.
Oh, Dave?
Yeah?
Aaah!
(laughing)
I'm Wayne Brady, bitch!
It was Mooney!
We gonna take
a quick commercial break.
Yeah.
We'll be right back
with more Chappelle show
right after this.
Aahh!
The greatest show.
I'd like to thank you all
for being here.
I'd like to thank
my guest Wayne Brady.
Thank you, sir.
I'd like to thank
the greatest audience
in the world.
I'm out!
Take your show back.
I'm rich, biatch!
(horn honking)
Hi,
thank you.
Paul Mooney did that thing,
that thing
about white people
and Bryant Gumbel.
Next thing I know,
this man calls me.
No one calls each other
in show business,
because they're
all too arrogant.
He calls me.
"Wayne, hey, man."
Not like he was scared,
but he called me
and said,
"hey, look,
you know what?
"I really respect you.
And I would love for you
to come out and do the show."
I cancelled three of my shows
to come and do this
because that
meant so much.
(applause)