Code Monkeys (2007) s02e12 Episode Script

1
Code Monkey like Fritos ♪
Code Monkey like Tab
and Mountain Dew ♪
- Aah
-Code Monkey ♪
Very simple man ♪
- Yee-ha!
- With big warm
fuzzy secret heart ♪
- Woz!
Code Monkey like you ♪
- Ha ha!
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah
- Code Monkey like you ♪
- Aah!
- I love you, whores!
Dave: Well, I think I'm ready to
head home,
have some microwave pizza,
and cry myself to sleep.
Pepperoni and regret--
my staples.
Dave: I'd love to join you, man,
but somewhere on this carpet,
there's a very
small square of paper
with a picture of
Jester Hopperpot on it.
I'm not leaving till my
tongue finds it.
Aah. Aah.
Hey, I found my toenail.
Aah. Aah. Secret trap door?
Or did I just find that
piece of paper?
Wait. Who cares? Either way,
I deem it awesome.
Larrity: First the bee makes
sweet, sweet love to the bird,
and then the bee eats
the bird's head off,
and that's where the bee-birds
come from.
Benny: Hey, what this have
to do with banging chicks?
Larrity: Everything, boy.
Everything.
Clare: Mr. Larrity, Dave called
in sick again.
And I'm supposed to tell you
some director guy wants
to talk to you.
It's John something.
Anyway, aren't you wondering
why I'm wearing a birthday hat?
Larrity: I'm wondering why that
breakfast ain't in my belly yet.
Clare: No, it's my birthday.
[Sobbing]
Hughes: Mr. Larrity, the name is
John Hughes.
I'm a screenwriter and director.
And I'd like to spend some time
shadowing your employees.
I have an idea for a new movie
about cool young video game
programmers.
Larrity: Sorry, Hughes. All I
gots here is freaks and losers.
Hughes: Look, I'll make you
a deal.
Let me hang out at GameAVision
with your programmers for
one day, and I'll make sure
your games are prominently
featured throughout the movie.
Larrity: Oh, I get it!
You're saying you wants to make
a movie about me. Heh!
Why didn't you just say so?
Hughes: What? No.
Larrity: Shake on it.
Hughes: Ah
Larrity: You picked a great
subject for your next film,
John Hughes.
I'm a handsome, enigmatic CEO
with a few whores in my trunk
and skeletons in my closet,
ripe for a blockbuster.
You know how to clean skeletons
out your closet?
Like this. Hyah!
Dean: Awesome, bro. What's up!
Clare: Good morning.
It's my birthday.
Hello. It's my birthday.
Yes, it is my birthday.
Someone listen to me.
It's my birthday.
Hughes: Ugly girl's birthday.
Nobody cares.
Clare: I heard that!
Hi, Jake Ryan, sexy UPS guy.
Is that for me?
Jake: Uh, are you Dave?
Clare: No, I'm Clare.
It's my birthday.
Guess what I'm wearing under
my clothes.
Jake: Underwear?
Clare: No, my birthday suit.
And guess what's under that.
Just blood and me
and my vagina and stuff.
Jake: Uh, well, happy birthday.
Guess I'll see you around 5:00
when I do pickups.
Clare: Yes, you will,
Jakey-wakey.
Mary: So where's Dave?
Is he still "sick"?
Todd: Perhaps from playing
his own games.
They certainly make me sick.
Anyone?
Shall we do that fun thing in
which we clap palms
above our heads? Ooh!
You missed my palm.
Try again, black knight.
Black Steve: Sure.
Todd: Ooh. Egads.
You're hopeless at high five.
Mary: If Dave can pretend to be
sick, I can, too.
Can I call in sick of all
this [bleep]?
Jerry: Mary, I've been talking
to Dave every day,
and I'm sure he's really sick.
He's my best friend, and for
once, I choose to believe him.
Mary: That's because you're
an idiot.
Dave: Well, congratulations,
because you just crossed
the finish line in a race to
hurt my feelings.
Larrity: All right, everybody.
This here is Hollywood
screenwriter and film director
John Hughes. Heh!
He's here to make a movie
about yours truly.
Now, tell him your favorite
story about me.
And they better be Oscar-worthy.
Hughes: Well, that's not
exactly what--
Larrity: Well, I'm thinking of
calling it
"The Breakfast Club." Not
sure why. I just like breakfast.
And I think I'd like a club
where people gobble pancakes
and morning meat. Huh!
If poor old Dave wasn't so sick,
I'm sure he'd do
something good with that.
Mary: Dave is not sick.
Larrity: Quit barking at me,
red dog.
Now pitch me something terrible
like you always do.
Mary: My game is called--
Larrity: Arf! Arf! Arf!
That's all I hear. Ha ha!
Hey, why ain't you writing
that down, John Hughes?
Jerry, go. And I'd better
like this'un.
Or your next b.m.'s gonna look
like kidneys.
Jerry: Uh, I guess I'll start
with the pitch that Dave
called in because even though
he's sick,
he cares about GameAVision.
No eye rolling, Mary.
His game is called "Genius."
And it's about a genius who
finds a secret dungeon
under his office.
He pretends to be sick, and then
he turns the dungeon
into his own personal paradise.
The longer you can fool your
co-workers,
the more points you get, and
that's how you play "Genius."
Larrity: Holy Moses! That is one
game you can rest your balls on.
Heh! Where does he come up
with this stuff?
Dave: What could be better
than this, ratty?
Our very own dungeon,
and the walls have picture faces
to wipe with.
Eat it, Reno. Ratty, no!
My last pound of gank. Come on!
[Ratty squeaking]
Larrity: Hot damn, Jerry!
Dave's game "Genius" is
the first sensible pitch
I heard all day.
Mary: What?
Larrity: Let that be a lesson to
you, fire crotch.
If your boobies was testicles,
then maybe you could come up
with something as good as that.
Write that down, Hughes.
Hughes: "Dave. Mysterious.
Possible creative genius."
Larrity: Come on, John Hughes.
I'm about to go sit on
the commode for an hour.
You should watch me and learn
how a great man eliminates.
Hughes: But I--
Larrity: We'll put a chair
across from the toilet
so you can stare into my eyes.
Dean: Toilet!
Good one, Dad-bro.
Todd: You said we were going
to take a break
and then reevaluate from there.
I did not know that this break
was semi-permanent.
I cannot read your mind.
Not yet anyway.
I do like your friends.
It is they who do not like me.
Oh, you--oh, you want to break
up then?
Fine. It's over. I'll be in
another's arms by sundown,
my dear.
Hughes: Girl problems?
Todd: Mother is acting like
a filthy cur.
Hughes: That was your mother?
Todd: And she wants to see
other people. So typical.
Hughes: Yeah, I need to get back
to watching Mr. Larrity
on the toilet.
I don't want to miss the ending.
Hughes: Who are you anyway,
John Hughes?
Did Mother send you, hmm?
Did she send you to spy on me?
Well, I want you to give her
a message from me.
You tell Mother I will use
science to supplant her forever.
Hughes: I'm afraid
you're mistaken.
I don't even know your mother.
Todd: Mistake nothing.
I will build a better mother
with my computer skills
and science,
but first I must find
a supple body. Away!
Hughes: Disturbing. How to make
this character appealing
to a general audience.
Jerry: And that's how I keep my
pens separated from my pencils.
It's just one of the neat
systems I've developed.
Hughes: Hmm, I'd like to hear
more about this Dave character.
He sounds so interesting.
Jerry: You don't think that I'm
interesting?
Hughes: Well, interesting is
a strong word.
Jerry: Dave?
I thought you were sick.
And why are you
in the floor?
Dave: Jerry, I'm gonna tell you
a secret,
but I don't want your eye-ginas
to start leaking.
Jerry: I can't make any
promises. I'm just being honest.
Dave: Jerry, I'm not sick.
I've been living in the basement
for the past 7 years.
Jerry: But you've only been gone
for a month.
Dave: Seriously? Ahh.
Anyway, so awesome down there.
The time just slows down, man.
I found a secret dungeon. I have
everything a man could want--
porn walls, stash of weed,
and a talking rat.
All I need now is a blowup doll.
Who's the douche bag?
Hughes: My name is John Hughes.
I'm making a coming of age movie
about game programmers,
and I think you're exactly
the kind of character I've
been looking for.
Dave, can you show me your
underground paradise?
Dave: I don't let strangers in
my man-hole
or see my underground paradise.
Hey, you got 100 bucks?
I could arrange for a rat
to suck your nips.
It feels even better
than it sounds, dude.
OK, boners, let's go.
We're taking the day off because
I am sick of work.
Jerry: Hey, but I've been doing
all your work
for the past month.
Dave: And aren't you sick of it?
You deserve a few hours off.
You deserve to have a party
thrown in your honor.
You deserve a party at
Larrity's mansion.
Jerry: Yes, I do. Wait.
What if we get caught?
Dave: We won't get caught, dude.
And when Mary finds out
what a rebel you are,
she won't be able to resist you.
Dave: Do you really think
I have a chance?
Dave: A bad boy like you?
Of course.
Now, let me work here.
[Man imitating snoring
on cassette recording]
[Jerry yells]
Dave: They'll never know
we're gone.
Jerry: Well, then how's Mary
going to find out?
Dave: Dude, leave it to me.
And would I have a party for you
without inviting
the chick you most want to bone?
Hughes: This is fantastic!
Dave: Yes, it is. Give me
another hundy, and let's roll.
You're driving, dude.
Jerry: Dave, you know I carpool
with Black Steve on Thursdays.
Dave: Agh. Do I have to do
everything?
There's Dean's car. Perfect.
Jerry: We cannot touch
Dean's car. He'll kill us.
Why would you do that?
It's a convertible.
Dave: Jerry, I have to make it
convincing. Now, get in.
Hughes: Ha ha. Oh, boy!
This is fun.
Jerry: We're going to get fired
and die alone
in mother loving SROs.
Dave: Jerry, listen to me,
although that last part is
probably true.
But that is why
we're doing this.
So let us rock it hard.
Jerry, you know Dave isn't sick,
and I, for one--
what the [bleep]?
Dave: Yeah! Freedom!
Mary: I [bleep] knew it.
This is bull-[bleep].
And I will not stand for it.
Aah!
What the hell?
[Coughs]
Ugh. It smells like nards
and irresponsibility.
So Dave's game pitch was real.
I should've known he was
too lazy to make it up.
You poor girl.
Larrity: Keep that pig fat
coming, boy.
I wants to look nice for
my movie.
Mary: Ew! I mean, ew, sir.
Larrity: What the hell
do you want?
Mary: Dave's not sick.
I just saw him and Jerry leaving
with John Hughes in Dean's car.
If you want proof, I can show
you the blowup doll
he left in Jerry's chair
and the disgusting dungeon
where Dave's been hiding.
Todd, speaking slowly:
Oh, hello.
Oh, I must say, this is--
heh heh!--a pleasant surprise.
Excuse me. I'm handsome? Well,
that is so kind of you to say.
You're a lovely girl.
[Blows]
Naked look.
Feminine features,
3 usable holes.
Excuse me. 4. Yes. You'll
make an excellent mother.
Quickly, my sweet.
Mary: It's right over--
what the hell?
Mr. Larrity, I swear the doll
was right there,
and this is the door to
Dave's gross basement.
Larrity: Mary, that's the door
to my "picture room."
No one must ever find out
about my "picture room."
So just, you know,
shut the door and forget
you ever heard me say the words
"picture room."
Mary: I'm pretty sure I could
sue you for everything you got.
Larrity: None of this ever
happened. Whooooo.
Mary: He wasn't sick!
He was down there.
Larrity: I believe you, except,
uh, you know,
I don't have a picture room,
so Dave couldn't
have been down in it.
Mary: Ugh!
I'll just find him myself.
Jerry: You guys,
we'll never get past this gate.
It's Larrity's house.
That speaker box probably has
voice-recognition software.
Dave: No problem.
[As Dean]
'Sup, bro?
[Regular voice]
Dean probably isn't allowed
to have the key. Hmm.
[As Larrity]
Yee-ha!
Jerry: I told you, this isn't
going to work.
Dave: Dude, that negativity is
why Mary will not finger paint
on your under-paper.
Now I want you to say what you
think Larrity would say
to a sexy transsexual
on the beach at Rio de Janeiro.
Jerry as Larrity: Hey, sexy
mama, I want to inspect
that bottom Texas-style. Ha ha!
Dave, this is a bad idea.
Dave: Was Vietnam a bad idea?
No way. New Coke? Uh-uh.
The Clapper. Well, I have
no idea about that one.
But people who did that stuff
did it because they
didn't give a crap.
Young Jerry, too young to give
a crap.
Now, what do you say?
Are you ready to make history
or be history?
Hughes: Can you slow down?
This is gold!
Dave: How old are you in
time years, John Hughes?
Hughes: 33.
Dave: Whoa.
You're almost out of
the target demo.
If I get that old, I am
definitely gonna kill myself.
[Rifle fires, Jerry yelling]
Jerry: What is this place?
Dave: We're having a party in
Jerry's honor, dude.
Unfortunately,
he has no friends.
That's why I brought
the conch.
[Blows note using conch shell]
Boy: The conch!
Dave's having a party.
[Students speaking excitedly]
Man: That's Dave's signal, man.
Different man: I'm crapping
indoors tonight!
[Conch signal continues]
[Funk music playing]
Jerry: OK, it's Geezer's turn to
play spin the bottle--oh, no.
Geezer: Hee-ho! Ah!
Open up, Jerry.
Mr. Wiggles is ready to party.
Blah blah
Jerry: How is this a party in
my honor?
Dave: Hey, everybody,
having a good time?
Hanging out, laying low.
I like it.
Jerry: No, I am not
having a good time.
A bum is throat punching me with
his crusty tongue.
And I thought you said Mary
was coming to this party.
Hughes: This is amazing.
I'm getting everything I need.
I'm gonna head back
to GameAVision and check in
with that helmeted fat guy.
Dave: While you're out, pick me
up some beers.
Oh, also, we're almost out of
deodorant
and nail polish remover.
Clare: I can't believe you
remembered it's my birthday,
even though I told you
several times this morning.
Jake: What?
No, this isn't for you.
Clare: What do you mean?
Larrity: Yee-ha!
Clare: My cake!
Larrity: That ain't your cake,
girl!
I've been on
an all-birthday cake diet
for the last 3 weeks now.
It ain't working worth
a good goll-darn, but it does
make me feel special every
single day.
Clare, sobbing:
Why? It's my-y-y--
Jake: Are you OK?
Clare: I will be soon.
Uh! Oh, look. Somebody brought
me a present.
I better unwrap it in private.
Todd: You again? What did Mother
say about my plan? Did she cry?
Did she send you here to beg for
my hand in marriage?
Well, you can tell that wrinkly
old hag that she blew it.
New mother will be here
momentarily,
and she's hot as hell.
Hughes: Like I said before,
I don't know your mother.
Todd: Deny it all you want,
John Hughes.
I don't care what you tell her,
but, you see, this is
not only science. It is
weird science.
Hughes: Wow!
Todd: Yes. You take good notes,
you spy.
I want Mother to know exactly
how I've replaced her.
First, I will hook this doll up
to the flux capacitor,
and then I flip the switch.
[Flux capacitor buzzing]
It's working! New mother,
welcome to Earth.
I am your son--Todd.
And I just gave birth to you.
[As new mother]
You're my son? Ooh.
Why don't you lose 50 pounds,
you hot fat-ass?
[Regular voice]
Oh, Mother.
I love it when you sass me.
[Kissing]
[As new mother]
Brush your teeth.
I smell like Gollum's
butt-gina, you dummy.
[Regular voice]
Oh, Mother. You're the dummy.
[As new mother]
No, you're the dummy.
[Regular voice]
You are!
Hughes: I think I have what I
need.
Todd: As do I. And now, Mother,
it's time for
the most crucial point of our
bonding.
I'll prepare your bath.
[As new mother]
Make sure the water's warm,
you stupid [bleep].
[Regular voice]
Oh, I will!
Just as you like it, Mother.
The temperature of
freshly-spanked bottom. Aah!
[As new mother]
Harder. Harder, tubby.
[Regular voice]
Ack. Very well.
But I think I'm drawing blood.
[As new mother]
Yeah, that's right.
You do what Mama says. You've
been naughty your whole life.
Mary: Have you seen those
jerk-wads--Dave and Jerry?
Hughes: Of course. They're at
a party at Mr. Larrity's house.
Mary: What party at Larrity's
house?
Hughes: The cool party.
The cool kids are all there.
Maybe you're not cool.
Mary: They are so busted.
This is the greatest moment
of my life.
I won. I did it.
I finally caught
Dave and Jerry red-handed.
[Dance music playing]
Jerry: Mmm. Mmm. Oh, yeah.
Mary, you made it! Hey, do you
think I'm cool now?
Mary: What? No. I think
you're gross and dead.
Jerry: No, I'm still
in the demo.
Geezer: You want to play
spin the bottle?
Ooh, yeah.
Mary: Get a job.
Man: How am I supposed
to get a job
when I'm
a convicted flasher, missy?
Dave: Hey, mama, want to take
a garbage bath?
Mary: You are so dead.
Say good-bye to GameAVision,
Dave.
Get ready to eat out of
dumpsters
and sleep in your own filth.
Dave: I already do those things,
Mary.
HoJo, the horse fly.
[Horse fly buzzing]
Mary: Aah! Let me go.
Dave: Nice going, HoJo!
HoJo: HoJo, HoJo, HoJo,
HoJo, HoJo, HoJo! ♪
Mary: I'm not the trespasser.
You guys are.
Dave: Would a trespasser leave
trash and medical waste
in your hot tub? Yes,
if his name was Mary.
That reminds me, cannonball!
Larrity: What in the bowels of
Beelzebub is going on in here?
Dave: I'm glad you're here
so you can see it with
your own eyes.
We caught Mary having a party
at your house, dude.
Mary: Bull-[bleep].
Larrity: Party?!
And didn't bother
to invite me, huh?
Mary: No! I caught them having
a bum orgy at your house.
Larrity: If you caught them,
then why are you
tangled up in more net
than a tuna-loving dolphin?
I can see it's gonna take some
time to unravel this mystery.
Dave, whip me up a few shots
of turpentine
and some lunchmeat, butter,
and shoe polish.
Dave: Geezer, get this man
what he needs.
Larrity: This is a classic case
of he said, he said.
Now, if I was King Solomon,
I'd cut you right in half.
Benny: Want to borrow Mr. Sammy,
great white demon?
Mary: Wait. I have proof that
Dave was there before me.
Larrity: I'm listening.
Mary: If you're listening, stop
trying to cut me in half.
Larrity: Or maybe you should
start talking faster.
Mary: Look in my purse.
There are pictures of what
I found when I got there.
That's not my purse.
Mary: I thought it felt
a little too lumpy.
Ha ha! Here we go. Huh.
All I see here is evidence
of your bum crack conquests.
Mary: What? No.
The bums at the party must've
used that camera.
Jerry, tell Mr. Larrity
the truth.
Dave: Yeah, Jerry, tell me
Mr. Larrity "the truth."
Who's your best friend?
Mary: Who do you love?
Dave: Who put his ass in your
face when you were sleeping?
Oh! I shouldn't have said that.
Mary: Who do you want to hold
in your arms?
Dave: Who gave you that rash?
Jerry: Aah. Aah!
Jerry: It was Dave.
He stole your stuff,
he let bums take dirty baths
in your hot tub.
He was never even sick.
Larrity: Well, hi-ho! Hold up.
Hold up. David, is this true?
Did you non-truth me?
You ain't sick?
Ain't sick? Shoot. I ain't
seen that much puke
since Judy Garland won
the hot dog eating contest.
Dave: Sweet! Taking a bath with
HoJo must've got me sick.
I am a genius.
Jerry: But I made out with
Geezer. That must mean--
Mary: Jerry, I can't believe you
wavered about
telling the truth.
If you'd have told it just
one minute earlier,
I'd consider having sex with you
someday.
Jerry, slowly: Ohhh.
Dave: Don't worry, buddy.
I love you too much to let
that happen.
I'd jam a knife into your spine
because I'm that kind of friend.
Hughes: So good!
Larrity: You got what you need,
John Hughes?
Hughes: Pretty much.
Todd: Great tidings of glad joy!
Mother has forgiven my borrowing
of her best corset,
and we are getting
back together. Behold!
[All gasp]
A token of her affections.
[Camera shutter clicking]
Mmm, still warm.
Black Steve: Todd, you nasty.
Hughes: I have it.
I have it all!
Larrity: Put that filthy
pillowcase away, fatty.
John Hughes is about to pitch
my movie.
Hughes: Yes. Spending the day
with you all has given me
a decade of inspiration.
I now have in mind an epic
called "Pink Breakfast Candles."
It's about how there's
no such thing as normal anymore.
We're all misfits
but in a way a mass audience can
relate to.
Black Steve: So how many
Black people are in this movie?
Hughes: Well, it's not
that kind of movie.
Black Steve: I get it.
This movie's gonna be
the mirror white America can
look in and see
the idealized version of itself.
Hughes: Exactly.
Larrity: Wow! Hold on.
Wait a second.
This film ain't about just me?
This is about my dumb-ass
employees?
Don't nobody want to see
that crap.
Hughes: Yes, they do. I have
the test marketing right here.
And, Mr. Larrity, just to show
you my gratitude,
I would love for you to be
the producer.
Larrity: Only thing I'm gonna
produce is
5 bullets in your mouth.
Hughes: Aah!
You crazy old coot!
Black Steve:
Look at that honky run. Ha ha.
No offense.
Larrity: None taken, my man.
Clare: Tell me "Happy birthday."
[Jake sobbing]
Jake: Happy birthday.
Clare: Now tell me you love me.
Jake: I love you.
Clare: Say it like you mean it!
Jake: Uh! I love you.
Clare: That's right.
Clare:
My fantasy in summer ♪
[Elephant trumpets]
HoJo, HoJo, HoJo,
HoJo, HoJo, HoJo! ♪