Comedy Bang! Bang! (2012) s02e12 Episode Script

- Houses.
George carlin once said They're a place to put all of our stuff, But what if that stuff includes our children? We found a local house That's luring children like yours inside To do god knows what, And they're even charging admission.
- Aah! [growls.]
- Come with me.
Right here.
Yeah, cobwebs.
Not the kind of place you want your children hanging out in, But that's not all we found.
Earlier today, we found a full-sized leg bone And approximately But that is just the tip of the iceberg.
[dramatic music.]
Oumeras picked up this shocking footage Of children being exposed To rabid-looking, uncaged animals.
We've also heard reports that once inside, Some have encountered a wolfman, a dracula, Or even a dr.
Victor frankenstein's monster.
Local police have done nothing, Even being so bold as to laugh and point at me When I brought this to their attention, So we decided to take matters into our own hands.
- Aah! [children scream and laugh.]
- Scott aukerman's scotcha gotcha! Were you just trying to Hack those children to death with that axe? What's the matter? Scotcha gotcha your tongue? - Dude, I'm a volunteer.
- Oh, so you were volunteering To hack those children to death, You sick twist.
- Look, this is a haunted house.
We're just scaring kids here.
- Oh, really? Well, the only people who were scared around here Were those kids! - Why are you yelling at my husband? - Scott aukerman's scotcha gotcha! - Oh, are--are you with the news? - No, I host a comedy show.
Are you aware that your husband here Is an axe murderer who preys upon small children? - Oh, god, are you serious? - What is your problem, man? - Murderer! - No! - You murderer! - No! No! Leave me alone! - You murderer! - Stop nagging me! Stop nagging me! [axe blow.]
- Whoa! - You made me do this, scott aukerman! Aah! - Wow.
Well, I'm scott aukerman for scotcha gotcha, "axing" the tough questions.
Uh, "asking" the tough questions.
Ah, 15 years of speech therapy for nothing.
Well, back to you, opening credits.
[jazzy music.]
- It's comedy bang! Bang! yeah comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! Featuring me, reggie watts comedy bang! Bang! Comedy bang! Bang! comedy bang! Bang! ah [thunderclap.]
- I "vant" to host this show! Hey there.
Welcome to "comedy fang fang.
" Very special Halloween show tonight.
We have a very special guest.
Pee-wee herman will be joining us all night.
I'm scott aukerman, and I love Halloween.
It's my favorite holiday, Mainly because it's a great reminder That tomorrow, the rent is due.
Let's say hello to our good friend reggie watts.
[hip-hop music plays.]
- [laughs demonically.]
- Fantastic.
Hey, wait a minute, reggie.
Are you dressed as me? - Yeah, you know, the yellow sweater, The collared shirt, the white shoes, The flat hair-- typical aukerman.
Uh, are you supposed to be me? - So, reggie, what are you gonna pass out to the kids tonight? - Well, this year, I thought I'd do fruits and vegetables.
You know, something really healthy for the kids.
- Ugh! What do you mean? Like apples? - No, bigger.
- Well, then, you can't possibly be talking about cherries.
- Yes.
Yes, I am.
- How can cherries be bigger than apples? - Well, scott, I've been doing a little gardening lately, And by using chemical mutagens, I've been able to get Some uncharacteristically large specimens this year.
Check it out.
How do you like them apples? - But you said that they were-- - Ah-ha-ha! - Okay, we're friends.
All right.
Oh, reggie, I really want to apologize For that Halloween party I had Where I ran out of all the food.
- Yeah, what was going on with that? - Well, uh, the problem was That everyone was "a'gobblin'.
" Ghosts: Boo! - Oh, come on, it wasn't that bad of a joke.
Who's booing? - I don't think that was meant for you.
Look.
All: Boo! - Oh, ghosts.
[doorbell rings.]
Oh! Reggie, our first trick-or-treaters are here.
Come in! - Trick or treat! - It's pee-wee herman! - Really? Where? - You! Come on in.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Welcome to the show.
- Thank you.
Thank you for having me.
- Please, have a seat.
Well, welcome to our studio here.
- Heh! - My goodness, look at you.
You're a cowboy, I'm assuming.
- Oh, bingo! Good guess.
- Yeah.
You have the hat and the chaps and the-- - White shit-kickers.
- Oh, my! And, uh, uh, I notice you even have a whip there.
Is that right? - Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Do you know how to use that thing? - Ooh, do I know how to use it? Heh! I'm an expert with this thing, scott aukerman.
Check it out.
[whip cracks.]
[dramatic music.]
- Whoa! - Want to see it again? - Yeah, sure.
[whip cracks.]
[dramatic music.]
I don't know, pee-wee.
That's just not being nice.
- I'm nice with it sometimes.
- I don't know in what situation you could be nice with it, But--oh, my god, look, pee-wee, it's a monster! - Stay seated, scott! I'll take care of it! [whip cracks.]
- [faint screech.]
- Whoo! Wow! Good one, pee-wee! - [laughs.]
- gosh, boy, yeah.
We've been having that trouble at the studio With that for a long time.
Thank you so much for taking care of that.
- Oh, you're so welcome.
- So, pee-wee, it's Halloween.
You must have plans.
What are you up to? - Next up, I'm headed out on a long-haul wagon trip.
Why don't we take a look at what I've packed in my saddle bag? Shall we? [laughs.]
- Great.
[heavy thud.]
whoa! Look at that! That is impressive.
- Maybe you at home can, uh, Pick up some tips for your next wagon trip.
[laughs.]
maybe.
I like to start out with the classic cowboy treat, Trail mix! - Oh, I love trail mix.
- Why don't you marry some? [laughs.]
- No, uh, but I do love trail mix.
It has the raisins, the nuts, the granola.
- I skipped the raisins, nuts, and granola.
Mine is just 100% candy.
[laughs.]
- That's quite a bag.
- Yeah.
- All right, well, uh, great.
- Oh! [laughs.]
- thank you.
- Here's another fun favorite-- Cowboy cojones calzones.
- Oh, they--they look like little cowboy hats.
- Bingo! These are filled with a light chorizo filling And go great with a spicy, sassy chuck wagon chili! - All right.
What else do you have? - Well, finally, We have a double-baked potato Topped with what else? Ranch sauce! For an extra cowboy flourish, I've added bee-sweetened cilantro jalapeno slaw.
[sniffs.]
Mmm! Cowboy-y.
[laughs.]
- This seems like very delicate food, pee-wee.
- Oh, yes, yes, this really appeals to the cowboy palate.
[laughs.]
Now that we've unpacked everything, Time to chow down! [laughs.]
- Oh, great.
What do you want to start with? - Well, hand over that trail mix.
- Oh, all right.
Uh, here you go.
- [laughs.]
mmm! [laughs.]
green.
[swallows.]
Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer.
[laughs.]
Just making conversation.
[laughs.]
Mmm! Ooh! Ha! Quite filling, this trail mix.
[laughs.]
Well [clang.]
[laughs.]
[clatter.]
- So, pee-wee, tell me about this outfit.
This is amazing.
- [laughs.]
Well, I take my Halloween costumes very seriously, scott, Very seriously, So I learned how to be a real cowboy.
- Wow, really? - I can twirl a lariat, Make fire from sticks.
Do you know what to do If you get bitten by a venomous snake? - I don't know.
I-- - I do.
[laughs.]
Bring in the snake! [laughs.]
- wait, you brought a - Ooh! - Live snake here? - Don't be afraid, scott.
Don't be afraid.
- Okay.
- In fact, just sign this release Really quickly for me, if you will.
- Uh - No need to read it.
Just sign right there.
- Sure, pee-wee.
I trust you, I mean-- - right there.
- Okay.
- Uh-huh, and right here.
- Sign right there.
- Right here.
- And right there, okay.
- And right here.
- Another one? All right.
- Initial there.
- Okay.
- And there.
- All right.
Oh, do you want your pen ba--ow! [dramatic music.]
Oh, it got me! Pee-wee, tell me how to cure snake bites.
- Uh, I can't remember.
I forgot.
- You forgot? How could you forget? - Uh, I get nervous.
When I get nervous, I can't remember stuff.
I didn't think I'd be this nervous.
- Wh-wh-what is it? Do you suck out the venom? - Uh, no, you suck out the venom.
- Come on, pee-wee, you got to remember! - Oh, I got it.
Step one, determine how bad the symptoms are.
Um, how bad are your symptoms? - They're really bad! - Oh, okay.
Uh, step two, Move to a warm, indoor location.
- What? - Step three, wrap your body in warm blankets.
- Pee-wee, that's what to do in case of frostbite, Not a snake bite! - I knew that didn't sound right.
Uh, how about this? Let's go over all the stuff of yours I want In case you die.
- Pee-wee, don't you have anything That can save my life? - I do have this bottle of anti-venom pills, But I'm saving them for a special occasion.
- Give me those pills, pee-wee! - All right, all right.
- [exhales.]
Okay.
- Oh, whew.
[laughs.]
- We'll be right back.
- You're welcome for saving your life.
- Halloween is a time for both tricks and treats, And everything in between, So we thought tonight, we'd-- - Hey, scott.
Both: Aah! - It's a talking book! This place is haunted! Let's get out of here! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait! It's me, booky.
- Oh, booky.
Oh, my goodness.
- I'm wearing a Halloween costume.
I just changed my dust jacket.
- What are you supposed to be? - I'm a sexy book, see? It's my excuse, once a year, to slut it up.
- All right, well, good luck, booky.
[upbeat music.]
- Welcome back to the show.
We're here with pee-wee herman and-- [bell dings.]
Oh, what's that noise? - I'm baking some homemade sugar cookies for Halloween.
It sounds like they're ready to come out of the oven.
[comical cartoon sound effects.]
- Ooh, sugar cookies.
My grandmother used to make these for me When I was a little boy.
- Enjoying your sugar cookies, scott? - [choking.]
- No! - What's the matter? Did I use too much salt? - Of course you did, reggie, but that's not the problem.
When I was a little boy, My next door neighbor was murdered And they never found the killer.
But when I ate that cookie, I flashed back, And I think I saw something very strange.
I have to go back, reggie.
I have to go back! [exhales.]
- I can't wait to see This new science-fiction movie they just announced.
It's called argo.
- Aah! Oh! The murderer, I think I recognized him.
It was my third-grade teacher! - Accusations aren't like darts.
You can't just go throwing them around Without consequences.
- You're right, reggie.
I need to go back to the third grade To really be sure, but how? - Is there anything else you used to eat? - In the third grade, My desk was filled with potato chips! [dramatic music.]
[school bell rings.]
- So, class, as you see, George washington and thomas jefferson Are kind of our original obi-wan kenobi and yoda.
- Mm! I was right! The killer was my third-grade teacher, mr.
Hellman.
- You've got to track him down and bring him to justice.
- I don't have time to do an online address search Right now, reggie, I'm hosting a show.
I mean, I could do it later, But I don't know if I have plans or not.
Wait a minute! When was the last time I looked at my day planner? At breakfast this morning! Wah! [knife scraping.]
Oh, good, here it is.
All right, volunteer at the soup kitchen.
Lunch with the make-a-wish child.
Ah, but what am I doing after the show? Aah! [car engine starts.]
[tires squeal.]
Bomb-making instructions? And blueprints to the football stadium? Mmm! He's gonna blow up the football stadium.
God, I probably should have remembered That happened this morning.
- Scott, you've got to stop him.
- Ah, the game isn't for two weeks.
How can I go into the future, reggie? - When you went into the past, you ate a potato chip, So it stands to reason That if you want to go into the future, You'd have to eat-- Both: A microchip! - My cell phone! [marching band playing music.]
[dramatic music.]
Whew.
[panting.]
Oh, no! Eating all those snacks turned me into a grade-a fatso! I can't stop the attack because I love to snack! Aah! Oh.
- Did you stop the terrorist attack? - No, but I did learn a very important lesson-- I gotta lay off the fatty snacks.
All right, we'll be right back with more pee-wee herman.
How about some music? - Oh.
[scatting bass line.]
- Welcome back.
We're here with pee-wee herman.
And who's this little guy, huh? - Well, scott, I'd like to introduce you To my little friend, barney bowlegs.
Hello, scott! - Hi, barney, how are ya? - Hi! - Wow, he's a little cowboy, isn't he? - The politically correct term Is cattle management specialist, Scott aukerman! - Sorry about that.
- I love his outfit.
- Thanks, reggie.
I used to wear a suit made of paper, But I annoyed the other cowboys Wit[laughter.]
ing! - You used to herd cattle? - "heard" cattle do what? - Boo! - What about branding? You do any branding? - It's the 21st century, scott.
Branding's very important to your image today.
- Of course.
- [laughs.]
Barney bowlegs is also A world-champion yodeler, scott.
- Really? Well, you know, I also happen to be A bit of an amateur yodelist myself.
Would you like to hear? - Sure! Yeah, sure! - Okay, here we go.
me me me me yo-de-lay-he-hoo - [laughs.]
great.
- Funny thing, I-I have a-- I have a degree In advanced cowboy yodeling myself.
So, please observe.
[clears throat.]
yo-de-lay-ee, yo-de-lay-ee yo-de-lay-ee, yo-de-lay-ee yo-de-lay-ee, yo-de-lay-ee little old lady shoes - Boy, terrific talent in the room.
[laughs.]
wow.
How 'bout you, barney? Go ahead.
Beg me! Go ahead, scott.
Beg him.
- Me? You want me to beg? - Beg me! - Please, barney, I beg of you, Please, yodel, please? Please, please, please, please, please? - Okay.
Go ahead, hit it.
[accordion music.]
- [professional yodeling.]
[holds high note.]
[rumbling.]
[shattering.]
[thunderous crash.]
[finishes song.]
- Bravo, bravo, bravo, bravo, bravo, bravo, barney! Great work, barney! Yay! [laughs.]
- So, pee-wee, any other plans for Halloween? - Oh, yeah, the usual.
[laughs.]
Trick-or-treating, bobbing for apples, Sniffing the pumpkin.
[laughs.]
But most of all, casting spells.
- Oh, my goodness.
You know how to cast spells? - Yes, of course! I learned how to cast spells By taking some classes at witch school.
- Very cool.
Which witch school? - Witch school.
- No, no, which school? - Witch school.
- Which school? - Witch school! - Which school? - Witch school! - Which school? - Witch school! - Which school? - Witch school.
- Which school? - Oh, you're asking me, "which school?" - And you're saying that you went to witch school.
- [laughs.]
- that's classic.
- I don't want to say which school, because I don't Want to give them any extra publicity.
- I understand.
- [laughs.]
- So, do you need anything to cast a spell or--? - Yes, my big book of spells.
- Great.
Can we get pee-wee's big book of spells, please? - [claps.]
- ow! - [laughs.]
- pee-wee.
- [laughs.]
- what? Ooh! Both: Whoa! - How'd that get in there? - What the devil? - [laughs.]
[grunts.]
Ooh! Ha! - Wow! - It's a big book of spells.
- My goodness.
Do you think you could cast a spell on me? - Bring in the cauldron! [upbeat music.]
- Wow.
- Now [thunder crashes.]
[animal howls.]
Double double, toil and trouble, Fire burn and cauldron bubble! Eye of newt and boat of gravy, Scott will act like a pretty lady! [thunder crashes.]
[animal howls.]
- [southern accent.]
oh, my heavens! It's pee-wee herman himself! - [laughs.]
hello, mrs.
Aukerman.
Scott never told me he had a younger sister.
- Oh, now, pee-wee, scott doesn't have a sister.
I'm his mother, but of course, Flattery will get you everywhere.
- Arrr, arrr! [laughs.]
Calm down, cougar.
[laughs.]
- Hey, pee-wee, pee-wee.
Can you cast a spell on me? - Yeah, sure, reg.
- Okay.
- Let me select the proper spell.
Hmm, reg, reg, reg.
Oh! [laughs.]
Here it is.
Dancing dogs and rockettes kickin', Cluck, cluck, cluck, reggie's a chicken! [thunder crashes.]
- [clucking.]
- [laughs.]
- [clucking.]
I think I want to lay an egg.
- Ooh! - [clucking.]
- Make that a dozen, reg! [laughs.]
Make one golden for me, baby! - [clucking.]
- Oh, pee-wee, you're so funny! Oh, my goodness, pee-wee, oh! - Whoa! You two guys are out of control! We need a nap! Uh, nap, nap.
Ooh.
Fur of mouse and fluff of sheep, Scott and reggie, go to sleep! [thunder crashes.]
[animal howls.]
- [snoring.]
- [laughs.]
I'll wake them up with a spell reversal While you guys watch this swell commercial.
[laughs.]
- [vocalizing.]
liberia - Welcome back.
Well, it's about time for us to wrap up our show.
I want to thank our guest, pee-wee herman.
- [laughs.]
Oh, thank you so much, scott aukerman.
Been a barrel of fun, but it's time For this cowboy to vamoose.
- So long, pee-wee.
- [laughs.]
Well, thanks again.
See ya, cowboys.
[laughs.]
[dreamy cowboy music.]
[horse whinnies.]
- There goes an 11-gallon man In a 10-gallon hat.
All right, well, I want to thank our guest-- - Ooh, so sorry.
Forgot the keys to my horse.
- Oh.
- [laughs.]
Ooh.
[keys jangle.]
[laughs.]
[car alarm chirps.]
[horse whinnies.]
[dreamy cowboy music.]
- That wraps it up for the show.
I want-- - [stomach groaning.]
- Reggie, are you okay? - I don't know, scott.
I don't feel so good.
- What is happening to you? - [groaning.]
It must be an adverse reaction To the mutagens I've been using To grow my giant cherries.
- Damn it, reggie, you are not supposed to play god! - [groans.]
All: Boo! - Oh, no! Your mutation-- It's angering the ghosts! You have to stop! - [groans.]
All: Boo! - Wait! Of course! Science! [ghosts wailing.]
"the effects of mutagens can be reversed "with the chemical formula of c12-h22-o11, Also known as household sugar"! Reggie, you need to eat those sugar cookies you made And fast! [dramatic music.]
[video game sound effects.]
[motorcycle revving.]
[clatter.]
- The wolf dead.