Cow and Chicken (1997) s02e12 Episode Script
Boneless Kite
1
Lookie! My kite is soaring! It is flyin!
Flying Tall Princess!
Yeah. Very impressive, your majesty Cow!
Maybe next time you go kite flying
you'll graduate to a six foot string.
Oh, but I don't know
how to fly a kite for real.
Back in Nam when I was with the Hundred
and First Kite Flying Division, I
- You flew military kites?
- You flew military kites?
Sure, yeah!
Back in sixty-six in Nam.
Viet Nam?
No. Nam, Wisconsin.
But that's besides the point.
Let's go to the park right now!
And you teach us to fly kites!
All right!
All righty!
We got the string, paper,
scissors and tape!
Private Cow awaiting instruction
from Kite Master
Captain Boneless Chicken, Sir!
Listen, gang. I don't think I can do this.
I mean, I haven't flown a kite since
that incident in Nam,
on Patty Belt Hill.
My navigator, Joe, and I
were flying solo that fateful day.
Boneless, pull up!
They're comin' in too low!
Pull up! Pull up!
I never flew a kite again.
But I guess I'm finally over
what happened to Joe.
I'm glad you're over it.
Okay, Cow, here's what you do.
Roll out some paper.
Then tape the nostril.
Good, Cow!
Now, Chicken, hold the kite
and don't let go 'till I say so.
Like this?
Right.
And Cow?
You run like a stupid idiot down the hill.
Is this stupid enough?
Oh, Chicken, you can let go now.
Okay, Cow, new strategy.
Run like a pinhead this time.
Oh, goodie! My kite is really flying!
Whose kite is this?
I demand to know who owns this cow kite?
And just who are yous?
Who am I?
I am Baron Von Nein Leder Hosen --
Kite Flyer Extraordinaire!
Now, who's the dead man
who owns the cow kite, hmm?
Me, Sir.
You?
You?
And who taught you how to fly a kite?
That would be me I guess.
I see.
Do you realize what you have done?
No, of course you don't.
You don't have any bones.
Well, I'll show you!
See that kite up there?
That kite is being flown by the good,
good people of Asswipay.
Asswipay! Asswipay!
The Asswipay's have challenged me
to a mid-air kite duel and tug of war.
Their kite was too tangled with my kite,
and fight to the death
over the burning waves of the Lava River.
- Asswipay!
- Asswipay!
I ain't never heard of no contest
like that before ever.
Oh, sure.
In some parts of the world
it's an ancient custom.
And we just happen to be in one of those
parts of the world.
Now, from where I stand,
you owe me a kite,
since you destroyed mine!
Let's try you out as a kite, hmm?
No, you're too fat to be a kite.
Let's see if you'll fly!
No!
Nope.
How about you?
Now hold on there, fat boy.
I'm soaring.
Oh, Grandma, I'm soaring!
Oh, great.
My one chance to fly
and I run into a dragon kite
flown by a bunch of Asswipay people.
Asswipay! Asswipay!
Hot boiling lava?
Boneless?
Help me!
Oh, Big Brother,
we've got to help Boneless Chicken
before he gets burned to a crisp
in the molten hot Lava River!
Mommy, Grandma's lookin' at me again.
All right, Cow, let's go join the Asswipay's!
Hang in there Cousin Boneless!
We are coming to save you!
I got the joy, joy,
joy down in my heart. ♪
Asswipay!
Hot boiling molten lava!
Oh, the agony!
Oh, the agony.
This is kinda nice.
It's really like lukewarm lava.
Oh, I got the lava lovin' fool, ♪
the sight of lava makes me drool. ♪
Oh, sorry about the kite thing today.
And that pantless guy.
Hope you weren't hurt.
Well, at least you didn't get me
any broken bones.
It's a joke, Cow!
I'm Boneless Chicken!
Got no bones to break!
Oh, cousin Boneless!
You are the best cousin
a cow could ever have.
Hey, kids!
Did I ever tell you about the time
I was champ
of the Boneless Bowling League
back in eighty-four?
No! No! Really, that wasn't a joke!
What is wrong with you kids?
You must be this tall to ride.
Ah, dang! I'm too short!
This is great! Right, Chicken?
Yeah, great!
I'm havin' the time of my life!
You don't need pants
for the victory dance ♪
'Cause Baboon
better than Weasel ♪
I.R. Baboon, big
star of cartoon ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.R. Baboon reigns
king in his mind ♪
He's just as good as
the weaselly kind ♪
But round every corner,
he's likely to find ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.M. Weasel!
I.M. Weasel!
Greetings Weasel fans!
This is Dick Pickle reporting to you live
from the Hollywood Bowl,
Where a sold out crowd will soon
be privileged to witness a lovely
soul stirring virtuoso harp concerto
by the one, the only, I.M. Weasel.
Oh, he's so so fabulous!
I.R. better music man than Weasel!
I.R. can play harp, too!
I.R. can play anything!
Weasel! Weasel! Weasel! Weasel!
Ladies and Germans!
Give it up for I.M. Weasel!
Weasel! I love you!
How dare they treating I.R.
like spotted ape.
Come on, boy.
Good doggie.
My beauty!
Free at last!
Did you miss me,
stuck in your sweaty case all day?
Nothin' up my sleeve.
Nothin' up my pants.
Presto!
I.R. have question,
Mr. Pantless Man who cannot see.
Oh, I see just fine.
It's these black opaque glasses!
Can't see a darn thing through 'em.
But they were on sale.
What are that?
What's the matter?
Can't you see? It's a Theraman!
The Theraman is the greatest instrument
since the probe.
When you play the Theraman,
you play with the juice of life itself!
Electricity!
Silence, por favor!
Shut your pie holes!
A-B-C-D-E-F-G, H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P ♪
Explode, goes the Weasel!
Q-R-S-T-U-V ♪
You don't need pants ♪
for the victory dance, ♪
'Cause Baboon's better than Weasel. ♪
I.R. Baboon's a big star of cartoon ♪
Explode goes the Weasel! ♪
I.R. Baboon reigns king in his mind ♪
He's just as good as the weaselly kind. ♪
But round every corner he's likely to find ♪
Explode! ♪
W-X-Y AND Z. ♪
Now I know my A-B-C'S ♪
Tell me what you think of me! ♪
A-B-C-D-F-B-I, G-I-C-U, B-V-D-D-D. ♪
I-R-B-AND-A-R-V ♪
W-X-Y-AND-ZED, ♪
Now I know my A-B-C'S ♪
Tell me what you think of me. ♪
I.R. better music man than Weasel!
I.R. have magic box!
The Theraman is without
a doubt a virtuoso instrument.
However, the harps melodic tone
is more suited to this piece.
- A-B-C-D-E-F-G ♪
- I-C-U ♪
H-I-J-K ♪
U-R-C-ME-TOO. ♪
Q-R-S ♪
C-I-A ♪
W-X ♪
J-F-K ♪
Now I know my A-B-C's ♪
Next time you won't sing with me. ♪
A-B-C-D-E-F-G, H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P ♪
A-B-C-D-F-B-I, G-I-C-U-B-V-D-D-D. ♪
I-R-B-AND-A-R-B, DO-RO-ME-AND-L-A-G. ♪
Now I know my A-B-C's, ♪
Tell me what you think of me. ♪
Oh, no! An earthquake!
It seems the frequency of the Theraman
is reverberating down
to the San Andreas Fault.
The vibrations are going to cause
a cataclysmic earthquake.
The big one!
I.R.!
You must turn down the volume at once!
Weasel jealous of I.R.!
I.R. make better music than Weasel!
I.R.! Stop the music!
Magic box! I thought you dead.
I.R., are you injured?
Wait! Put the box down!
Oh, don't!
You'll cause another earthquake!
I.R., no!
I.R. Baboon?
Give me your hand!
I.R. not leaving without magic box.
Don't be a fool, man!
What a waste.
He was a Theraman virtuoso
and a good monkey.
Let us pause for a moment of silence.
Lookie! My kite is soaring! It is flyin!
Flying Tall Princess!
Yeah. Very impressive, your majesty Cow!
Maybe next time you go kite flying
you'll graduate to a six foot string.
Oh, but I don't know
how to fly a kite for real.
Back in Nam when I was with the Hundred
and First Kite Flying Division, I
- You flew military kites?
- You flew military kites?
Sure, yeah!
Back in sixty-six in Nam.
Viet Nam?
No. Nam, Wisconsin.
But that's besides the point.
Let's go to the park right now!
And you teach us to fly kites!
All right!
All righty!
We got the string, paper,
scissors and tape!
Private Cow awaiting instruction
from Kite Master
Captain Boneless Chicken, Sir!
Listen, gang. I don't think I can do this.
I mean, I haven't flown a kite since
that incident in Nam,
on Patty Belt Hill.
My navigator, Joe, and I
were flying solo that fateful day.
Boneless, pull up!
They're comin' in too low!
Pull up! Pull up!
I never flew a kite again.
But I guess I'm finally over
what happened to Joe.
I'm glad you're over it.
Okay, Cow, here's what you do.
Roll out some paper.
Then tape the nostril.
Good, Cow!
Now, Chicken, hold the kite
and don't let go 'till I say so.
Like this?
Right.
And Cow?
You run like a stupid idiot down the hill.
Is this stupid enough?
Oh, Chicken, you can let go now.
Okay, Cow, new strategy.
Run like a pinhead this time.
Oh, goodie! My kite is really flying!
Whose kite is this?
I demand to know who owns this cow kite?
And just who are yous?
Who am I?
I am Baron Von Nein Leder Hosen --
Kite Flyer Extraordinaire!
Now, who's the dead man
who owns the cow kite, hmm?
Me, Sir.
You?
You?
And who taught you how to fly a kite?
That would be me I guess.
I see.
Do you realize what you have done?
No, of course you don't.
You don't have any bones.
Well, I'll show you!
See that kite up there?
That kite is being flown by the good,
good people of Asswipay.
Asswipay! Asswipay!
The Asswipay's have challenged me
to a mid-air kite duel and tug of war.
Their kite was too tangled with my kite,
and fight to the death
over the burning waves of the Lava River.
- Asswipay!
- Asswipay!
I ain't never heard of no contest
like that before ever.
Oh, sure.
In some parts of the world
it's an ancient custom.
And we just happen to be in one of those
parts of the world.
Now, from where I stand,
you owe me a kite,
since you destroyed mine!
Let's try you out as a kite, hmm?
No, you're too fat to be a kite.
Let's see if you'll fly!
No!
Nope.
How about you?
Now hold on there, fat boy.
I'm soaring.
Oh, Grandma, I'm soaring!
Oh, great.
My one chance to fly
and I run into a dragon kite
flown by a bunch of Asswipay people.
Asswipay! Asswipay!
Hot boiling lava?
Boneless?
Help me!
Oh, Big Brother,
we've got to help Boneless Chicken
before he gets burned to a crisp
in the molten hot Lava River!
Mommy, Grandma's lookin' at me again.
All right, Cow, let's go join the Asswipay's!
Hang in there Cousin Boneless!
We are coming to save you!
I got the joy, joy,
joy down in my heart. ♪
Asswipay!
Hot boiling molten lava!
Oh, the agony!
Oh, the agony.
This is kinda nice.
It's really like lukewarm lava.
Oh, I got the lava lovin' fool, ♪
the sight of lava makes me drool. ♪
Oh, sorry about the kite thing today.
And that pantless guy.
Hope you weren't hurt.
Well, at least you didn't get me
any broken bones.
It's a joke, Cow!
I'm Boneless Chicken!
Got no bones to break!
Oh, cousin Boneless!
You are the best cousin
a cow could ever have.
Hey, kids!
Did I ever tell you about the time
I was champ
of the Boneless Bowling League
back in eighty-four?
No! No! Really, that wasn't a joke!
What is wrong with you kids?
You must be this tall to ride.
Ah, dang! I'm too short!
This is great! Right, Chicken?
Yeah, great!
I'm havin' the time of my life!
You don't need pants
for the victory dance ♪
'Cause Baboon
better than Weasel ♪
I.R. Baboon, big
star of cartoon ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.R. Baboon reigns
king in his mind ♪
He's just as good as
the weaselly kind ♪
But round every corner,
he's likely to find ♪
I.M. Weasel.
I.M. Weasel!
I.M. Weasel!
Greetings Weasel fans!
This is Dick Pickle reporting to you live
from the Hollywood Bowl,
Where a sold out crowd will soon
be privileged to witness a lovely
soul stirring virtuoso harp concerto
by the one, the only, I.M. Weasel.
Oh, he's so so fabulous!
I.R. better music man than Weasel!
I.R. can play harp, too!
I.R. can play anything!
Weasel! Weasel! Weasel! Weasel!
Ladies and Germans!
Give it up for I.M. Weasel!
Weasel! I love you!
How dare they treating I.R.
like spotted ape.
Come on, boy.
Good doggie.
My beauty!
Free at last!
Did you miss me,
stuck in your sweaty case all day?
Nothin' up my sleeve.
Nothin' up my pants.
Presto!
I.R. have question,
Mr. Pantless Man who cannot see.
Oh, I see just fine.
It's these black opaque glasses!
Can't see a darn thing through 'em.
But they were on sale.
What are that?
What's the matter?
Can't you see? It's a Theraman!
The Theraman is the greatest instrument
since the probe.
When you play the Theraman,
you play with the juice of life itself!
Electricity!
Silence, por favor!
Shut your pie holes!
A-B-C-D-E-F-G, H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P ♪
Explode, goes the Weasel!
Q-R-S-T-U-V ♪
You don't need pants ♪
for the victory dance, ♪
'Cause Baboon's better than Weasel. ♪
I.R. Baboon's a big star of cartoon ♪
Explode goes the Weasel! ♪
I.R. Baboon reigns king in his mind ♪
He's just as good as the weaselly kind. ♪
But round every corner he's likely to find ♪
Explode! ♪
W-X-Y AND Z. ♪
Now I know my A-B-C'S ♪
Tell me what you think of me! ♪
A-B-C-D-F-B-I, G-I-C-U, B-V-D-D-D. ♪
I-R-B-AND-A-R-V ♪
W-X-Y-AND-ZED, ♪
Now I know my A-B-C'S ♪
Tell me what you think of me. ♪
I.R. better music man than Weasel!
I.R. have magic box!
The Theraman is without
a doubt a virtuoso instrument.
However, the harps melodic tone
is more suited to this piece.
- A-B-C-D-E-F-G ♪
- I-C-U ♪
H-I-J-K ♪
U-R-C-ME-TOO. ♪
Q-R-S ♪
C-I-A ♪
W-X ♪
J-F-K ♪
Now I know my A-B-C's ♪
Next time you won't sing with me. ♪
A-B-C-D-E-F-G, H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-P ♪
A-B-C-D-F-B-I, G-I-C-U-B-V-D-D-D. ♪
I-R-B-AND-A-R-B, DO-RO-ME-AND-L-A-G. ♪
Now I know my A-B-C's, ♪
Tell me what you think of me. ♪
Oh, no! An earthquake!
It seems the frequency of the Theraman
is reverberating down
to the San Andreas Fault.
The vibrations are going to cause
a cataclysmic earthquake.
The big one!
I.R.!
You must turn down the volume at once!
Weasel jealous of I.R.!
I.R. make better music than Weasel!
I.R.! Stop the music!
Magic box! I thought you dead.
I.R., are you injured?
Wait! Put the box down!
Oh, don't!
You'll cause another earthquake!
I.R., no!
I.R. Baboon?
Give me your hand!
I.R. not leaving without magic box.
Don't be a fool, man!
What a waste.
He was a Theraman virtuoso
and a good monkey.
Let us pause for a moment of silence.