Dan Vs. (2010) s02e12 Episode Script

(tires screeching) Oh, come on!l It's the pedal on the right, idiot! (phone rings) Hello? Why are people so stupid?! Uh Which people? Everyone except me.
Yeah, this sounds like a longer conversation, and I'm kind of busy so (honking) What are you doing?! Move it! (frustrated scream) And what ever happened to the concept of the passing lane? They stopped teaching that a couple of years ago.
They found it too complicated for people to grasp.
What's complicated?! If you're not moving faster than the people on your right, GET OVER! It's like there's some conspiracy of idiots and jerks that make it impossible to get-- (gasps) What in the name of all that is holy? Dan? What's wrong? They made ANOTHER Humongobots movie? Of course they did.
The first five were huge hits.
But they're awful! It's another sequel to a reboot of a remake, that was originally based on a toy that, by the way, was based on another toy.
Why do people keep going? Hey, Dan, I'd love to talk about the current state of the American entertainment industry, but there's a show on TV that I can't miss.
All right! Humongobots 6! Can't wait! You're going to pay money to see that? It's gonna be krinkled, bro-face! "Krinkled?" Wha.
.
What are you saying? Mott the hoople, chuckle-truck! Now there's something meatier! Are you talking like that because you're intentionally trying to sound stupi--whoa! Krinkled, bro-face Stop calling me "bro-face!" And you! What happened? Ooh, sorry, bro-face.
I's all, um texty? STUPIDITY!!! Turn off the idiot-box,Chris.
We have work to do.
Just once, I'd like you to open with "Hey, Chris! How are you today?" Grow up.
We have to end stupidity in this country once and for-- What are you watching? Is that guy eating a bucket of mayonnaise? It's a competitive eating contest.
Want to watch with us? This is your "must-see" television show? Yep.
The Gullet Bowl.
What? It's good.
I'm not going to say anything, Chris.
I'm just going to give you the slow, sad, head-shake of disapproval.
What are you doing here, Dan? What are YOU doing here, Elise? I could see Chris watching this drivel, but I'd expect better from you.
Oh, he's not just watching it.
He's going to compete this year.
That's right! In the deep-fried bacon eating contest.
I've finally found my sport! There are so many things wrong with that statement I don't even know where to begin.
You actually want him to do this? Of course not.
It's terrible for his health.
But you can't stand between Chris and empty calories.
I come over here to enlist your aid in destroying the stupidity epidemic, and instead I find myself knee-deep in it! It's not an epidemic, Dan.
Sure it is! And it's getting worse.
Every aspect of our society is serving to make us dumber.
Come on Spell-check means you don't have to spell.
People don't use encyclopedias, they just get the wrong information from the Internet! Dan, could you move? You're blocking the TV.
(announcer on tv) Wow, folks, Thompson's just CRAMMING those fishsticks into his gullet He's the one to beat.
Listen to you! Our whole society is getting dumber as we speak.
TV shows just quote older TV shows.
Even if you're right, Dan, how do you expect to-- (announcer on tv) We now pause for breaking news from the Government Action Center for Action in Los Angeles.
Aw, I wanted to see how the contest ends! With clogged arteries for the contestants.
(announcer on tv) Let's go live to the Governor of California, with a special announcement.
Uh heh Is this thing on? Heh, heh Well, hello.
My fellow Californians.
I'll get right to it.
Due to budget cuts, the school year is being downsized to three months.
Also, textbooks will be replaced by the Internet.
So, uh that's happening.
Heh, hehYes sir.
Mister Governor? Is this a good idea? Further cuts in education? Are you saying you WANT higher taxes? I'm just asking if the school system will be able to-- I don't know about that, son.
I just let the teachers teach.
Because unlike you, I believe in America.
I believe in America, too.
It's-- Good, then we're in agreement.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you Govenor! And now, back to the Gullet Bowl! I think I know where to start.
Come on, Chris, let's go talk to the Governor.
I should get something to eat anyway.
Gotta stretch out the guts.
Gross! You have no idea.
He's been sweating bacon fat.
And NOW, the cash registers at Burgerphile have pictures of the food on the buttons! Okay, Dan.
And leashes for children? I mean, sure, if they had choke collars on them for training purposes, but--- You know what I think is stupid?! Complaining endlessly about things you can't change! Just shut up about it, you angry little troll! Wow, Chris.
That hurts my feelings.
I'm sorry.
I'm just under a lot of pressure, inside and out.
Outside, because I've got to win this contest.
Inside, because I've been eating a LOT of stuff lately.
So then why do it? No one is forcing you.
Don't you see? It's for Elise.
She's just so good at everything she does.
I want to excel at something, and prove I'm worthy of her love.
So your plan is to prove yourself worthy of Elise by eating huge amounts of fatty foods as quickly as you can, even though Elise is dead-set against it? Yes.
You're a weird guy, Chris.
I demand to see the Governor.
Whizza-what? The Governor.
Happy-pologies, scuba tank.
No doma.
Yerba mat-tay.
This is going nowhere.
I think physical violence is our only recourse.
Agreed.
Hey! Don't squeezy the cheesy, bro faces! I WANT TO SEE THE GOVERNOR! (governor o.
s.
) Uh, maybe I can help you with that.
Heh-heh.
Finally! Your Eminence.
What are you doing? I don't know what the correct greeting is for a governor.
Do you curtsy? So, uh, why are you assaulting my work-release volunteer? That is not important.
I am a constituent and I have some grievances.
Which you, as an elected official, are legally required to listen to and resolve.
I don't think he's legally-- Of course, son.
I'd, well, I'd love to hear your complaints.
Thank you.
First of all-- --just email them to my office and I promise they'll be read.
By whom? This guy?! Psh.
Like I can read.
That's not good enough! I demand immediate and comprehensive action! Oh, I can do that.
Hey! Let go! Ow! Well, I'm sure not voting for that guy again.
Get up, Chris.
The Governor hasn't seen the last of us.
I don't know, Dan.
I really need to get back to my bacon training.
This is no time for face stuffing! We are in crisis! I just don't understand what your GOAL is.
You're not going to magically make everyone smarter.
I'm not trying to make people smarter, I just want to stop the downward spiral.
I'm supposed to be following a strict regimen.
People are putting sweaters on dogs as we speak! But how do you expect to talk to the Governor when we just got kicked out of his office? We need to catch him in public.
Then he'll have to hear us out.
I did read something about the Governor's "Jes' Folks" campaign.
He's going to be eating lunch at a local diner today.
Are you just saying that so I'll take you to a deep fryer.
I think I'm going with a double order of mozzarella sticks, some onion rings, and a large fries.
Hey, when it gets here, time me! Ugh.
For the last time, no! An athlete needs a support network, Dan.
Don't you want to be my athletic supporter? Don't make this weird.
I need to find out if I have what it takes.
I mean, I'm a pretty gifted amateur, but some of these guys have been training since childhood.
There he is! and that's why, back on the farm, they used to-- So, Governor, we meet again.
Your majesty.
We're here to talk to you about concerns we have regarding the growing stupidity epidemic.
Well, heh, I always have time for constituents.
Okay, first off, Chihuahuas are not real dogs.
I agree.
So anyone who purchases one should be thrown in jail.
I'll have to take a look at the polling on that one.
Second, we can't cut education any further.
We're falling behind the rest of the world in math and science at an alarming rate.
Good.
Science is for nerds.
And hypocrites.
What? Scientists.
You know they say Pluto's not even a planet anymore? We're down a planet because of them! Do you have any idea what effect that will have on our economy? Uh no.
What?! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for Humongobots 6.
Are you kidding me?! Oh, I never joke about Humongobots, son.
I saw the first five.
Or maybe I saw one of 'em five times.
Heh heh.
I'm not sure! You are part of the problem.
Why do you hate America? I don't hate America, I love America! That's why I want to make it better! You can't improve on perfection! I read that on the inside of an iced tea bottle cap! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA How does that guy keep getting re elected? He has a foolproof defense.
Any time his opponents point out he's wrong about something, he accuses them of being elitist.
I'll "elitist" him! Where did you get that briefcase? Elise has one just like it.
I stole it.
From the Governor.
Why? We'll talk about it while we bust this baby open.
One, two Stop right there! Do.
Not.
Hit.
That.
Case.
Why not? I have one of those.
It's a Zembik Mark 5.
Mine's a prettier shade of brown, though.
So why shouldn't we Because the Zembik Mark 5 self destructs if you force it open, spraying a super-acid that disintegrates everything within a four-foot radius.
Why do you have one of these? Because it matches my wallet, silly.
Okay.
Against my better judgement GO! Et, voila! Eight seconds.
Pathetic.
I'm ashamed to call myself an eater.
I have to say, that was disgusting, terrifying, and yet somehow exhilarating to witness firsthand.
Guys? The case is open.
Pickled herring? Gross.
What is this? It's all in some kind of code.
It's not code.
It's French.
This one's in Russian.
Spanish, German, Latvian, Polish This is strange What's it say? Well, the one that's in Russian seems to be a plan to introduce a phrase into the popular culture.
Krinkled.
As in, "That's totally krinkled.
" I heard some moron say that very thing this morning! So, some Russian group is trying to introduce a new phrase? That's a bit odd.
Huh.
This looks like a new Drivers' Ed curriculum.
They're going to teach people to change lanes without looking.
And this looks like a marketing plan for Humongobots 6.
What's going on here? I don't know, but it's high time we found out.
So my head is, like, going to explode in two seconds, kay? Figuratively! Okay, Dan, we're here.
What's your plan? First, we kidnap the Governor.
Then, we hit him with two-by-fours until he tells us what's going on.
Here.
What? No way.
Don't be a wet blanket, Chris.
Besides, we're here already.
I really need to start asking you what the plan is BEFORE we break into someone's office.
Someone's coming! Hide! Thanks for letting me tag along with you today, Mister Governor.
Oh, my pleasure.
Heh, heh.
But if you'll excuse me, I've got governor stuff to do.
Oh, of course.
Yes, hello.
Geoffrey, Please inform the higher-ups that everything's ahead of schedule.
The American public grows more stupid by the day.
Oh, hold the line, would you, Geoffers? That's our Russian friend calling.
Zdrastvuiche.
Dmitri, Kak djela? Eh, nichivo.
Nyet.
Nyet.
"Yech talla ecki Islandskur.
" (he laughs) Do svidanya.
Yes, well, I'm glad to hear that things are going smashingly in Texas, but when we're finished MY state will make a Houston barbecue look like the Italian Renaissance.
Cheerio.
So if I'm interpreting events correctly, our Governor is, in fact, a foreign spy sent here to make America dumber? Just as I suspected all along.
And it sounds like they're replacing governors to dumb down other states too.
That explains Utah.
So who do we call about this? Homeland Security? NASA? No.
It's clear this conspiracy of dullardry has compromised our nation from the bottom to the top.
Please don't say it's up to us now.
Dancing Shadow to Eagles' Nest.
I've discovered an EU conspiracy designed to ensure our complacency and incompetence for generations to come.
I recommend immediate action.
(spyboss) Negative, Dancing Shadow.
We are aware of the EU plot.
Operations are delicate at this point.
Highly volatile.
The last thing we need is interference by someone who is not fully apprised of the situation.
How do you get to the trap door under this thing!? Jump higher! I think I saw it give a little! This is as high as I- whoaaa! Yo, Governator, everything krinklin' in there.
And we're working on the new fashion trend.
We've tried pants too tight, pants too baggy.
How about "No pants at all?" If you must.
You know at some point we're bound to get diminishing returns.
Some day soon, it will be time to pack up this operation and move it elsewhere.
How will you know when that time is? Oh, we'll know.
A bomb.
Now that's what I'm talking about! Help me find it so we can blow this place to kingdom come.
There's no bomb here, Dan.
Looks like this is the AI that generates slang terms to be injected into our popular culture.
Looks like the next one's "moldy" to mean "good.
" Man, I hate Europe.
(spyboss) Dancing Shadow, the situation has changed.
Please report to the Government Action Center for Action immediately.
Finally.
What do I do when I get there? Make contact with our field agent in charge to receive further orders.
Anything else I need to know? (spyboss) Yes.
Don't see Humongobots 6.
It's terrible.
There has to be something here we can use as a weapon.
I'm just seeing a lot of video games.
Most of which I own.
Ah, ha! New plan.
We tie the Governor down and put fire ants down his pants until he agrees to stop making us dumber.
Ooh! Ooh! What did you find? A weapon? A mini-fryer! A what? It's a portable deep-fat fryer! This is really going to take my eating game to the next level.
Come on, let's get back to the Governor's office so we can ambush him.
Yes, my pretties.
Soon you will have a target for your horrible, painful bites.
Yesss.
I'm going to make sure this thing works.
He's coming! Get ready! Oh, no.
Ahh! Ahhh! I'm on fire! Help me! I'm on it, buddy! When are you going to learn to hold still!? Daaaannn! You were supposed to be on MY side! Ow! I'll teach you to bite me, you little pests! Ow! Ow! Our work in America is finished.
Pack up.
We're moving all stupidity operations to China.
Pardon me.
Wahhh-oof! Thank you.
Quite welcome.
There's a garden hose out back.
You can wash the ants off.
I'll get you for this! Highly unlikely! Good day.
I spent ten months undercover and you ruin it in oneday.
Do you have any idea of what this investigation cost the taxpayers? A lot? I'm out of here.
Dancing Shadow.
Agent Bro-Face.
How are you? Okay, I guess.
I know what will make you feel better.
Let's get you some deep-fried bacon.
Ladies and gentlemen, our next event is Deep Fried Bacon Eating! I hear this sport's really taking off in China.
Ugh.
I'm so nervous.
You don't have to do this, you know.
Of course I do.
I have to show you that I'm good at something.
You're doing this for me? Chris, I don't need you to win any competitions.
You're already good at something - being my husband.
So, I don't have to do this? No.
What? You absolutely have to do this! Not for Elise, because who cares about her, but for yourself.
For myself? Listen, I have been watching you eat for more years than I care to remember.
My friend, a gift like yours comes along once in a lifetime! You really think so? I know so.
Now you get out there, and you win this thing! Thanks, Dan.
In retrospect, that may have been a mistake.