Deadbeat (2014) s02e12 Episode Script

La, la, la, la, la (coughing) Kevin! What are you doing? Smoking the weed that I found hanging over the door.
That's mistletoe, silly! Oh God, well, whatever this strain is called, it's uh it's pretty weak! I mean, it's getting me there, halfway there.
So my friend Millie invited us to a little Christmas Eve party tonight.
Uh, Millie? Yeah.
My friend who died in the Triangle Shirtwaist Fire.
She died on her period.
- I've told you about her! - Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
I remember who she is.
Yeah, she's great.
I just I don't know, Sue.
Like a ghost party? I, like, I deal with ghosts all day every day.
The last thing I want to do is hang out with them off the clock.
Wow.
- I didn't - You know what? Don't bother coming to the party.
You're off the clock.
Merry Christmas.
Come on, Sue.
I don't Ugh.
It's the mistletoe talking! Well, at least I have you.
Fuck you, dude.
What? (phone ringing) Yo, this is Tyson.
Leave a message.
For real! Hey! Hey playa! Uh hey Tyson.
It's Pac.
I'm, uh I'm just looking to score some drugs, you know? Like, maybe some drugs that can help with emotion sickness? Actually, just any drugs will do.
I can't pay you in cash, little bit strapped, but maybe I can pay you in, like, admiration? Or uh, maybe I have some frozen pizzas? You like frozen pizzas, don't you? Never mind.
Oh yeah Oh yeah (screaming) Daddy's drinkin' up our Christmas Gonna be some hard times this year No tree or stockings or presents Just bottles of Christmas cheer Daddy's drinkin' up our Christmas Don't know what's gonna become of him (loud bang) (sleigh bells ringing) Holy shit.
Santa? Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Boo! Yo, yo, yo! Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas.
- Where's your dude? Oh, um.
He couldn't make it.
Ah, well, his loss.
This party is gonna be off the motherfucking chain! - Really? - Yeah! Okay, so the girl who died here yesterday, the one whose party it is? She is pretty rad.
And my pilgrim buddy Chaz is coming, and this chick who died on 9/11 who is hilarious.
You're gonna love her.
- Nice! - Oh, holy shit! Did you hear about the food truck accident? What food truck accident? Oh my God.
Let's just say that James McAvoy is a maybe.
- What? - Yeah! Oh my God.
I'm dying.
So is he! What's the matter, young man? Surprised to learn that Santa is a ghost? Uhh quite frankly, I would be more surprised to learn that he was alive.
Ho-ho-ho-ho! Good one! (chuckling) But it's the truth.
I've been a ghost this entire time.
Bull-fucking-shit.
Ho-ho-ho! Language! Hey, fuck you, man.
There is no Santa Claus.
There never was, okay? And you wanna know how I know? I'll tell ya! I was a little boy in the orphanage and the older kids told me that if I was really good, I could ask Santa for any present in the world.
All I wanted was a candy bar called Spirit Chocolate Crunch.
It had a little ghost cartoon on the wrapper, which appealed to me as a child medium.
It also had nougat and tasted like what I imagined parents smelled like.
When I found my present, I was so happy I could have cried! I immediately shoved the whole thing into my mouth.
Needless to say, it was not chocolate.
But why did you eat it? Didn't you smell it first? I had a cold that day.
But it was unwrapped.
I know.
I know! Okay? I know.
Don't you think I know that? It doesn't matter.
The point is, Santa failed me.
Well, I'll go to the store and get you another candy bar.
You can't! You can't because they discontinued Spirit Crunch 25 years ago! Well then, I'll get you a different candy bar! I don't want another one! I want that one.
All right! Fine! Fine, fine! Just stop already.
Jeez.
I'm not actually Santa.
My name is Gary, Gary Poquette.
I'm just a regular guy who used to dress up as Santa every December at the Fairfield Mall.
There.
Now, you happy? No, actually, I'm a little more sad.
But that's why I'm here.
'Cause I want you to deliver that present.
Yeah I'm not gonna do that.
Oh, I think you will if you ever want to see your precious weed again.
My heartache medicine! No! Ahhh! No! Herro? Oh.
Oh, that's so fucking good.
(loud bang) Huh hi? Can we help you, bro? What what is this? What are you guys? We're a brotherhood.
A brotherhood of Santas.
A Santahood, if you will.
I most certainly will not.
Hey, take it easy, guy.
This is a safe place, a secret society where Santa enthusiasts can gather.
What the fuck is a Santa enthusiast? We're just regular bros who dig dressing up as Santa Claus for various Santa-centric holidays throughout the year.
Uh, like Christmas? Uh, yeah, that's definitely one example.
All right, hey bros, I I just wanna drop off a present, maybe finish the milk Whoa, whoa, sorry, bro.
You can't leave presents here.
Brothers only.
Okay.
All right, well, you know, I'm in.
Hey, how do I become a brother? Newsflash, brah.
You can't just choose to be a member of Sigma Alpha Nu Tau Alpha.
Yeah, dawg! You gotta get initiated.
Okay, dawgs! So initiate me.
All right, bitch.
Welcome to pledge.
(knuckles cracking) Oh boy.
(laughter) Thank you so much for inviting me, Millie.
I'm having such a good time.
Yay! I knew you would.
- Good peeps, right? - Yeah! Truth or dare, bitches! Let's get this shit started.
Oh my God, Sue.
Have you played truth or dare as a ghost? How is it different than regular Truth or Dare? Uh, remember the anonymous phone call that led to Watergate? - Yeah.
- Ghost dare.
- What?! - Yeah, I know! You have to play! Okay? Hi.
Fuck you! Look, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the fraternity.
I just didn't have time I had to get that present delivered by tonight.
What are you talking about? Oh, they're not gonna like that.
- Gary! - All right! Look, before I died, I was a member of this Secret Santa Society, until one of my brothers stabbed me in the back.
Right in front of my face.
All right.
What happened? Well, it was last year's Secret Santa Gift Exchange, and everything was going really well until Santa Juan opened his gift.
- What was it? - It was the vagina wallet I had given Bill the year before! The vagina wallet? Yeah, I found it on Etsy? Looks like a vagina; it opens Hey, that's not the point! The point is that Bill regifted my gift.
Do you have any idea what that means to a Santa? It is the ultimate slap in the face.
Who the hell are you talking to, Neophyte? Oh well.
There's the fat, four-eyed fuck now.
No one.
Let's get one thing straight, grinchface.
We do not need you.
You need us! And you're gonna demonstrate how much you need us by going through a series of tasks, each designed to push you to your physical, mental, and holiday spiritual limits.
Do I make myself clear? Sure, yeah, sure! Nog me! Let's do this shit.
(sighs) Hey baby, I'm comin' down your chimney tonight So get it right Don't want no milk or cookies 'cause I just wanna love you out of sight (yelling) All night Naughty.
Nice.
Naughty.
(all yelling "Ehh!") (groaning in pain) Aw, yes Santa's gonna give you his love What more can I say? Awanata, truth or dare? Okay - Dare.
- Okay.
When James McAvoy gets here Oh, you guys didn't hear? Oh, McAvoy pulled through.
- Oh no! Okay, um, okay, then I dare you to go in the corner and kiss that weird guy.
Me? No, wait, truth! - No! - No backsies! - No backsies! Up the pole, down the pole Astroglide, any hole (all groaning, laughing) Ay, Chihuahua.
Hey Scrooge Nuts? You really think we're gonna let you in? You're freaking worthless.
You're more worthless than Rudolph before they realized what his nose could do! You're doing great, by the way.
Keep it up, bro.
Now sing, you son of a bitch! Sing! Silent night Ow! Fuckin' Holy Oh! Night All is calm Oh! All is bright (groaning in pain) He's ready! ("Carol of the Bells" plays) The Santa Claus.
(applause, cheering) USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! Way to go, Pac! We're in the home stretch.
- Of what? - My revenge on Bill? Oh yeah.
Right.
That.
Do you think we still need to do that? I don't know, do you really want your heartbreak medicine back? (door opens) Come on, bro! I got a stocking with your name on it! That just says Santa.
Well, I guess you're one of us now.
(chuckling) Oh, fuck.
Sue, is it true that you're dating a solid? Well, I mean, he's a medium, so it's, like, not a big deal.
Uh-huh.
How's the sex? It's fine.
Okay, do you use a condom? Or does he, like, jizz through you onto his own face? (giggling) Excuse me, um, I'm just gonna go freshen up my aura.
Welcome to Secret Santa, bitches.
You all know how this thing works.
Every gift under the tree has one of our names on it, and that's it.
That's how it works.
All right, this gift is for Santa Dylan! (laughing) All right! I wonder what it could be! Is this some sort of fuckin' joke? (snickering) This gift is clearly over the ten dollar spending limit, a monumental violation of the rules! Who bought this present, yo? Who? That's it.
I'm checking the list.
Check it twice.
- Bill.
- What? I didn't buy that present.
It's your name, dawg.
(laughing) Suck it, Bill.
See what life's like on the outside.
You know what this means, Bill.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait! Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What what are you doing? I brought that gift.
My brothers, I gotta tell you something I'm a medium, and I'm here with the ghost of a former Santa named Gary Poquette.
Okay? He's the one who made me bring that present to bring down Santa Bill.
Bring me down? Why? Because he's mad at you for regifting the vagina wallet he gave you.
Hold up! This was a regift? Of course not! Wait, Gary thinks I regifted the vagina wallet? Yeah, bro.
You mean this vagina wallet? (gasps) What the hell? I didn't regift anything.
I love this present.
Every time I open it up and the little lady is staring up at me every time I buy a Power Bar! I just wanted to share that experience with my bro.
I just wanted to be the guy who knew how to get the perfect present.
When I thought that Santa Bill had regifted the vagina wallet, I began to question my whole purpose in life.
But now I'm finally free! Thank you for that gift, Pac.
(all gasping) (gasps) Hey.
Hey.
I'm so sorry about Sean.
- He's an asshole.
- No, he's not.
It's just maybe they're all right to laugh.
I mean, a ghost dating a solid? It's stupid! How can I be in a relationship with someone if we're not even on the same plane of existence? I guess it all just depends what you're looking for.
I just wanna date someone who I can feel without having to be in someone else's body.
You know? It's just been so long since I - Since I've - Felt? I I Millie, I Sue, I really like you.
I really like you, too.
Truth or dare? Dare.
I dare you to kiss me.
I've never been with another ghost before.
Sue? Sue? Sue? Kevin? Sue! Hey, Sue.
I need to talk to you about tonight after you left.
The fuck are you doing? Oh shit, I didn't I didn't realize this was gonna be like a, like a whole thing.
I would've prepared something a little more, I don't know, rom-comy? Like, uh (vocalizing) No that's that is stupid.
That's a complete rip-off.
- What do you want? - Listen, listen Sue! Tonight after you left I met the ghost of Santa Claus.
Not the real Santa Claus, calm down.
Just a mall Santa named Gary Poquette.
But, but I went on this crazy journey where I, like, pledged a Santa fraternity, and I became part of, of a gift exchange, and I thought I was gonna, like, learn something about brotherhood, or, like, Christmas, or, like, believing in things, but I didn't.
I didn't learn about any of that goddamn stuff.
All I got was this weed and this old chocolate bar.
Oh, worst make-up speech ever.
Hey screw you, man! I I'm going somewhere with this.
Just Kevin, what are you doing here? Okay, look.
I'm sorry about what I said earlier, about you and ghosts.
I didn't mean that.
Okay? That was bullshit! I just, like I was upset.
I was upset 'cause of the whole sex thing.
And you know? I was getting scared, I started to question I started questioning us! And that scared the shit out of me.
And I know we haven't exactly had the best of luck finding a sex vessel, but Sue, tonight, I think I did it.
I think I finally found the perfect vessel.
An old candy bar? What? No.
Oh, no.
Sorry.
Me! How's it feeling? It's good.
It's really fucking good.
Why is this weed so fucking good? This can't be good for me.
- What? - Huh, nothing, nothing.
Nothing, it's kicking in.
Okay.
Oh my God, it's kicking in.
This is the sweet spot.
You ready? I think so.
Oh my God.
Kevin, are you here? Yeah I'm here, I'm here.
Oh my gosh! I can feel everything.
I know, me too.
I can feel you inside of me.
Oh my gosh.
Okay, let's do this.
We'll make a wish and send it on a prayer We know our dreams could all come true With lovin' we can share With you I never wonder, you're the right one for me I finally found the love of a lifetime A love to last my whole life through I finally found the love of a lifetime Forever in I'm Fat Daddy La, la, la, la, la The reindeer boss All the kids love me Simply because They know Fat Daddy is really Santa Claus La, la, la, la, la I want you to come on, Dasher La, la, la, la, la