Dilbert (1999) s02e12 Episode Script

How did I end up with all this obsolete equipment? It seems to multiply.
Eh, eh, eh! Not in the recycling container! Recycling container? I thought it was my garbage can.
No, it's a recycling container.
No obsolete equipment.
No food.
No toenail clippings.
No dead animals.
I'm probably forgetting a few things.
Well, fine.
How do I throw away my obsolete equipment? There's a phone number you call.
They come and take it away.
What's the phone number? I wouldn't know.
Who's "they"? My area of expertise is limited to what you can't put in the can, plus the certain knowledge that a phone number of some sort exists.
Your new computer just arrived.
Everything you owned this morning is junk.
Thank you, Asok.
And here's a modem for your troubles.
What can I do with a 2400 bps modem? You can try to throw it away, but you need to know a secret phone number.
I think it has a nine in it.
So you have seen the secret number? No, but a lot of your unknown phone numbers have nines in them.
I read that.
Ow! What if I take some of this old stuff home and throw it away from there? That would be stealing from the company! How can you steal garbage? You could tuck it in your pants.
Obsolete equipment isn't officially garbage until you call that phone number and they take it off our books! I hear everyone is dumping their obsolete equipment in here.
Who told you that? They didn't give me their names.
Why can't you be more like Wally? He's a problem solver.
If we can't figure out how to throw anything away, we're doomed to suffocate here in our own waste.
I'm afraid of suffocating in waste! Well, get over it.
Things are only going to get worse, until we're so cramped, we can't possibly do any work.
You don't do any work now.
But I depend on other people to be working.
It's like a delicate ecosystem- You can't have all rabbits or all foxes.
You need some of both.
And to think I immigrated here for the wide-open spaces alluded to in folk songs and travel brochures.
Never have I felt so betrayed.
Somewhere in the uncharted depths of this almost criminally mismanaged company there's got to be some extra space.
Just one unoccupied cubicle where we can store our non-disposables, and I'm going to find it.
It's Old Zeke.
Actually, that's Young Zeke who takes really bad care of himself.
Excuse me.
Can I talk now? Yes! Of course.
Excuse us.
So sorry.
They tell a story in the men's room of an unused cubicle.
Empty, glistening, pristine.
It shines under the fluorescent lights like a beacon of hope to those seeking extra storage space.
You are crazy, young man who takes really bad care of himself.
That is crazy talk.
Crazy, am I, intern? Well, grab your crap and follow me.
Oh Why did I do that? I guess I am crazy after all.
Crazy and unable to walk.
Good call.
According to the floor plan, it looks like there could be an unused cubicle just around the next bend.
Look! Could it be? Zeke was right.
The legends of the empty cubicle are true! It's pristine.
This baby has never been used.
And it's all ours.
I claim this cubicle for engineering.
Hey, wait a minute.
We've gone in a circle.
How could you not know there was an empty cubicle right next to you? I never had a reason to go in that direction.
The important thing is that we found an empty cubicle! Shush! Keep it down! Be quiet.
If he is not silenced, the secret of this precious cube will be revealed.
I must sacrifice myself.
Hey, kids, what's all the noisilation about? Dilbish, nice tie.
Howard, nice, uh, intern in your face.
Ooh, what's this, a vacant cubicle? No.
No! Uh-uh.
Marketing could sure use the space for, uh, marketing stuff.
It's ours! You know the rules.
Empty cubicles are up for grabs.
It's not empty.
It belongs to, uh the new guy.
His name is, uh Todd.
And he's a new guy.
Which explains why he's not here yet.
Uh, being new and all.
I haven't heard about this Todd fellow.
He's an unbelievable guy.
Totally unreal.
No one has ever disliked him! Oh, right, right.
Todd.
T- O-D-D.
Your enunciation leaves a lot to be desired.
I thought you said "Todd.
" We did.
If you had said "Todd" in the first place, we wouldn't be having this conversation.
I apologize for our oversight.
Todd.
Old Todd.
Good old Toddy.
Toddo.
Great guy.
Love Todd.
You tell Todd I dropped by to say hey.
Oh, we will.
Oh, that was close.
My upper lip is moist with perspiration.
Well, nice work, everybody.
Where did you come up with the name Todd? From my mind, where I come up with everything I think and say.
Well, that's the last load of my obsolete equipment.
It looks just like someone works here.
I had a name plate made.
Very nice! Is Todd in there? Todd! Todd! Where the heck are you, you devil? Everyone in marketing is talking about him.
I hear he's amazing.
I just had to meet him in person.
Todd is away on important business.
That figures.
While you two are lollygagging around, Todd's having important meetings with important people.
I don't know how he does it all.
Oh, my, Todd.
Look at all this.
The man must be some sort of engineering genius.
Why can't you two have this much equipment in your cubicles? It's not really the quantity of the equipment that matters.
Yes, yes, you're right.
Todd does seem to have those other intangible qualities as well- the kind that make women love him and men wish they were women.
Although, I confess, I've wished that long before Todd burst on the scene.
He's quite the miracle worker.
Yes, so I'm told.
So I'm told.
Straw into gold, take your firstborn, that sort of thing.
Uh-oh, wait a second.
Hold the wire.
That's Rumpelstiltskin, little dwarf bastard.
We have work to do.
Right! I'll see you two at the project meeting.
Do you think anything bad can happen from this? I don't see how.
And on that, I think we're all in agreement.
On what? Haven't you been paying attention? Paying attention? You just walked in here, sat down, and said.
"And on that, I think we're all in agreement.
" You're saying you don't agree? It's a difficult point to argue.
Well, you should all thank Todd I don't fire you all on the spot.
As the new project head, it'll be his responsibility to deal with you dunderheads.
What? You're letting Todd head the project? He's Todd.
You have a problem with that? Yes.
Looks like I've put the fear of Todd in you now, haven't I? Great.
Now Todd is our project leader.
That means we have to do his WORK PLUS OUR OWN WORK.
Plus my work.
Plus Wally's work, as usual.
That's a lot of work.
But if we reveal Todd's nonexistence, we lose our spare cubicle.
There's no way out.
What would Todd do in a situation like this? There is no Todd! We made him up.
I'm not so sure.
He has a cubicle and a job.
That's all I have and I exist.
You don't exist.
I'm probably a bad example.
You'll just have to wait.
Todd gave us a six-hour lunch break today.
He's allowed- he's project head.
It's in Todd's hands now.
Uh-oh.
This could only mean one thing.
Mr.
Catbert, director of human resources, what brings you out of your lair? I understand you've been praising Todd.
You could say that.
His personnel folder is curiously empty- no photo, no work history.
Hmm.
Very, very suspicious.
Uh, Todd works in mysterious ways.
He won't work at all if his file doesn't turn up soon.
You see, I don't believe in Todd.
You take that back.
There is no Todd.
Todd exists only in your minds.
Where's your Todd now? Hmm? We need to give Todd a history and throw Catbert off the scent.
I'm into the personnel database.
"Create new employee record.
" We need a picture of him.
Why don't we make a composite? Good idea.
I'll morph our pictures and make Todd in our image.
Oh, no! We have seen the face of Todd.
And he is us.
According to your records, every one of your employees is rated "good.
" To be honest, I can't tell them apart most days.
Hmm.
Doesn't that crush their motivation and eliminate their will to live? They do walk around with their shoulders drooped, but I assumed they weren't drinking enough milk.
Well, that's all well and good, but we can have more fun with them than that.
We can? We can punish them arbitrarily.
We can do that? We can if we make it look like a policy.
The new policy is that all work groups must have a proper distribution of performance ratings.
At least 20% of YOUR employees must be ranked in the lowest rating.
You mean unsatisfactory? Lower.
Incompetent? Lower, lower.
You mean Exactly.
If the beloved Todd is rated highest, followed by Dilbert and Alice well, I think you see where I'm going.
Can you give me a hint? Wally, I had to lower your performance rating from a solid "good" to our lowest rating, which is "retard.
" Retard? I know, it sounds harsh, perhaps even "politically incorrect," But our new policy is to have a normal distribution of performance reviews, and with Todd taking the top spot, well, it just wrecked the curve for the rest of you.
I guess I'll get used to it.
You will.
But you'll do it somewhere else.
It's company policy that I fire anyone who is at the lowest rating.
The strange thing is that I suddenly feel motivated.
Run along.
This is the greatest injustice there could ever be.
Yes, sirree, Bob.
We'll keep in touch.
We will? No.
I just say it to reduce the awkwardness.
Well, so long.
I'm a free man.
This isn't right.
If we hadn't created Todd, Wally would still have his job and we wouldn't have to be doing Todd's work plus our own.
Todd must die.
We will kill Todd so dead that no one will ever know he existed in the first place.
I'm not usually in favor of killing people, but this does seem justified.
How do we kill someone who doesn't exist? Indirectly- We'll ruin his reputation.
Todd is about to become the most incompetent project leader in the history of the world.
Send an e-mail in Todd's name to all employees.
Very good.
What's the worst product idea in the world? How about that Face-lift In A Can product we introduced about five years ago? The one that shrunk your head to the size of a grapefruit.
Perfect.
Todd is going to suggest reintroducing Face-lift In A Can.
His reputation will surely be ruined.
E- mail from Todd.
Face-lift In A Can? That just might work.
Try it, dude.
If you don't, you're a loser.
Can't we just get something pierced like an eyebrow or something? What if it makes my head tiny for the rest of my life? Shaa! Piercing is so passe.
Shrunken heads is in.
Do me first.
Cool.
Cool.
Okay, do me.
All right.
Yeah.
Lookin' fine.
It's unbelievable.
Just unbelievable.
I'm dumbfounded.
And flummoxed.
And Thursday.
Well, I guess that's the end of Todd.
Yep, or it would be, if it wasn't for the fact that it's the biggest success the company's ever had.
What? Would anyone like to join me in praising Todd? Face-lift In A Can is our NEW flagship product.
We have a hundred-percent market share in first-week sales of one billion dollars, which, I have it on good authority, is more than a million and less than a skillion.
Oh, no.
That can't be right.
Apparently, head shrinking is the NEW "in" thing kids enjoy doing to themselves to shock their parents.
Now, I want you to get cracking on a follow-up: Amputation In A Jar.
Maybe this is a good time to tell you we were responsible for Face-lift In A Can.
Todd had nothing to do with it.
How dare you? This is Todd's work.
Why, if I was 30 pounds lighter and 30 years younger and 30% stronger and, uh, uh 30 times taller, I'd pop you one! Now, you all ought to get up and march into Todd's cubicle and beg, yes, beg grovel FOR TODD'S FORGIVENESS.
I'll be in my office doing some very important high-level breathing.
Don't answer it.
But I can't stand a ringing phone! Deal with it, Howard.
This is the only way.
If we don't answer his phone or his e-mail, if we don't reschedule his appointments and stop juggling his calendar, if we don't do any of his errands or his work, then Todd will return to the nothingness from which he came.
It may mean losing the cubicle.
It's a small price to pay for our sanity.
Why are you all loitering in Todd's cube? We were just waiting for him to return.
Well, when he does, tell him to pack his stuff.
Why? Is he fired? No, no.
I should say not.
He's getting a corner office.
An office? I've been at this lousy company for 10 years, and I'm still in a cubicle, and he gets a corner office? That's it.
It's over.
How can I put this delicately? Todd is dead.
Before you go on, let me thank you for putting that so delicately.
It was really quite thoughtful.
Todd never was.
He isn't! He never will be! He never existed.
We CREATED TODD IN OUR OWN IMAGE.
We made him, and now we've destroyed him.
Are you done? Yes.
Good.
That's the confession I was waiting to hear.
Take them away, boys! These are them what killed Todd.
It's all a big mistake! There is no Todd! Oh, my next correspondence to Mama and Papa will certainly be a tale of woe.
Tell us what happened and we'll recommend a light sentence.
Nice try, but I happen to understand a little thing called "the prisoner's dilemma.
" Is that so? You have no physical evidence of a crime, so you can only convict us if one of us rats out the others, and since we're all aware of that fact, no one will rat out anyone and we'll be free in a matter of minutes.
It was all Dilbert.
I told him not to chop the body up, but he insisted.
He said that's how he gets rid of all his victims.
Oh, hi, Dilbert.
Alice! He has always been evil.
I felt it.
But I never knew how evil until he would not stop plunging that fork into Todd's body.
I stopped counting at 100.
Oh, God.
Hello, Dilbert.
Asok! May I have that ice cream sandwich you promised me now? Look, we've got enough on you right now to put you away for the rest of your life, plus 30 years.
Plus 30 YEARS? That doesn't make any sense.
Why not give me life plus a thousand years? Keep pushing.
This can't be happening.
All I wanted was some extra cubicle space.
That's all I wanted.
Hello? Yes, this is Todd.
Todd? How do we know it's Todd.
How do we know this is not an act? An act of Todd? Is Todd's word not good enough for you? Sorry.
Now, listen carefully.
I'm working on a top-secret project for the government.
All I can say is it, uh, has something to do with the government, and it's a secret.
But you're alive- alive and well? Do I sound dead to you? Unenthusiastic, maybe.
Flat, affectless, but not dead.
Precisely.
Now, I've got to go.
I've got to go do something with this, uh secret government thing.
I understand.
Good luck.
Yeah, whatever.
You lucked out, Judas.
Dilbert.
You're free to go.
And you can thank Todd.
Oh, I will.
I will.
How'd I do? Not well, but it doesn't matter.
People want to believe Todd exists.
So anything you say in the name of Todd people will tend to buy.
You see, you CAN play Todd, but you still can't play Dogbert.
Amen.
Well, back to work.
Maybe I'll try a limp.
You realize Todd's now a billionaire.
And a Nobel prize winner.
Don't forget the special law they passed that allows him to be a bigamist.
Now, that was a coup.
I understand, after he saves the rain forest and all the endangered species and feeds the starving, he's coming back to town and opening an actually fair-priced electronics store.
Get out of here.
That's Todd's word, not mine.
I just saw Todd! You're just drunk.
That's just what Todd would say.